"Ladies and gentlemen, your next question is…" started Harry, reading the card. "'America is hungry. America needs _'."
"This game seems very America-centric," said Neville.
"Maybe because it was made in America?" suggested Luna.
"Still, couldn't they just…" started Neville.
"From what I know if America, they believe they are the world," said Hermione. "So no, they couldn't."
"…fair enough," said Neville, playing his card.
"Okay, let's see what you guys came up with," said Harry, picking up the first answer. "So, America is hungry for 'Creamy slices of real, California avocado'."
"BOO! Boring," said Ron.
"Yeah, give us something controversial for them to eat," said Ginny.
"I'm sure we'll get to that soon enough," said Harry, picking up the next card. "This one isn't it though. 'An emotionally draining friendship'."
"How would that even help with hunger?" asked Neville.
"Just because it's emotionally draining doesn't mean they aren't feeding you," said Hermione.
"Okay, let's hope for something good this time," said Harry, drawing the next card. "'The land of chocolate'. Still not there guys."
"Hey, maybe they'll invade it for resources," said Hermione.
"Well, they've definitely got a lot of food there," said Ron.
"It also sounds like a lot of cavities waiting to happen," said Ginny.
"That's what my parents call a 'retirement fund'," said Hermione.
"Come on, something controversial," said Harry, picking up the next card. "Well, not controversial, but still the best card so far. 'SNES cartridge cleaning fluid'."
"I have no idea what that is, but it doesn't sound drinkable," said Ron.
"No. No it is not," said Hermione.
"Still, it hasn't got a lot of competition for being a potential winner," said Harry, picking up the final card. "Unless…ooh. 'Poor people'."
"Oh no, the Americans are cannibalising each other," said Neville.
"To be fair, at their weight that would fix the hunger problem," said Ron. "So Harry, does the cleaning fluid still win?"
"Not anymore," said Harry. "American being cannibals does."
"Thank you," said Ron, taking his next point. "Ginny, you're up."
"Okay then," she said, picking up the next black card. "'In 2019, Donald Trump eliminated our national parks to make room for _'."
"I've heard of this guy," said Neville. "Was he really as bad as…"
"Yes. Yes he was," said Hermione, playing her card.
"Ah," said Neville. "Then I don't have to feel bad about playing this card then."
"You shouldn't feel bad about playing any card," said Harry. "It's all just a game, right guys?"
"As long as I stop getting nasty questions to ask," said Ron, playing the last card for the current question.
"Okay, let's see what this Trump guy wants instead of national parks," said Ginny, picking up the first answer. "Apparently, 'Chipotle'."
"I was under the impression that he didn't like Mexicans," said Harry.
"I think it's just the people," said Hermione. "Their food's fine apparently."
"The next thing he's eliminating national parks for is…" started Ginny, reading the next card. "'Genetically engineered super-soldiers'."
"What does he even need those for?" asked Ron.
"Probably doesn't need them, he just wants them for bragging rights," said Hermione.
"And if someone threatened him or the country, he'd deploy them," said Luna.
"That too," said Hermione.
"Well, the next thing Trump got rid of national parks for is…" started Ginny, drawing the next card. "'The Harlem Globetrotters'."
"Guess they needed a bigger court," said Harry.
"Court?" asked Neville. "What are they, judges or something?"
"They're a basketball team," said Hermione.
"Why are a basketball team playing in a courtroom?" asked Luna.
"That's not…" sighed Hermione in resignation. "Whatever, what's the next one?"
"The next one is…" started Ginny. "'The economy'."
"Okay, so now he's ruined both. Good going," said Harry.
"How would destroying national parks even help the economy in the first place?" asked Luna.
"Cut down the trees to make more paper to make more money?" suggested Ron.
"Wouldn't that make things worse?" asked Neville.
"Yes, much worse," said Hermione. "Okay Ginny, what's the last one?"
"The last one is…" started Ginny, picking up the card. "'Repression'."
"That makes a scary amount of sense for him," said Hermione. "So, who do you choose Ginny?"
"Hmm…" mused Ginny. "Well, he was a business man first, right? I can see him destroying national parks for the economy."
"Two in a row," said Ron, taking another point.
"Well, you won't be getting three," said Hermione. "What's your question for us?"
"Please don't be a bad one," prayed Ron, as he picked up the card. "Oh thank God. 'Bravo's new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with _'."
"You could be in that show Harry," said Ginny, playing her card.
"Gee, thanks Gin," said Harry sarcastically as he played his card.
"You're welcome," said Ginny, as everyone else played their cards.
"Okay, let's see what these celebrities are living with," said Ron, picking up the first card. "'The male gaze'."
"Guess they're all women then," said Neville.
"Or men finally dealing with unwanted attention from men," said Hermione.
"It doesn't happen to you that often, does it?" asked Ron.
"It depends if the men in question know what's good for them," said Ginny.
"Right…next answer," said Ron, picking up the next card. "These washed-up celebrities are living with…'A shark'!"
"Now THAT I would watch," said Harry.
"What if it eats them?" asked Luna.
"Then don't go in the water," said Harry.
"Next up we have…" said Ron, picking up the next card. "'Moderate-to-severe joint pain'. Wow, they're washed-up AND old, huh?"
"Don't get cocky Ron, it's not like we're that far off that ourselves," said Hermione.
"Yeah, yeah…" he said, picking up the next card. "The next answer is 'Xena, Warrior Princess'."
"So, nine washed-up celebrities?" asked Harry.
"I'm pretty sure Lucy Lawless is still doing stuff," said Hermione.
"Do you have any idea who they're talking about?" whispered Neville.
"Not a clue," replied Luna.
"Okay, last one," said Ron, picking up the card. "'Political correctness'. Well, that sounds horrible."
"For you maybe," said Hermione. "You think 'tact' is something you use to stick something to the wall."
"It isn't?" asked Ron. "Anyway, who had the shark?"
"That would be me," said Hermione, taking the point. "Guess it's my turn."
"Lay it on us," said Harry, replacing the card he'd just played.
Hermione picked up the card and read it to herself. "Ron, don't get too jealous," she said with a smirk.
"Say what?" asked Ron, as Hermione read the card out loud.
"'Well if you'll excuse me, gentlemen, I have a date with _'," read Hermione.
"I knew my brother couldn't keep someone like Hermione," said Ginny, playing her card.
"Hey, come on," said Ron.
"This is what you get for getting a card that didn't insult you," said Luna.
"God damn it," said Ron, playing his card.
"Okay, let's see what you've got for me," said Hermione, picking up the first answer. "'That thing politicians do with their thumbs when they talk'."
"You mean lie?" asked Neville.
"Neville, you realise I'm the Minister of Magic, right?" asked Hermione.
"He asked you a question, honey," said Ron, earning him a punch from Hermione.
"Next answer," she said, picking up the next card. "'Three boobs'."
"Nice," said Harry, earning him a punch from Ginny.
"Is Luna going to punch Neville next?" asked Ron.
"It depends," said Luna. "Did you play that card?"
"…read the next answer please," said Neville, earning him a punch from Luna.
"Okay, next up we have…" said Hermione, reading the card, then flinching. "Uh, no-one here's religious, right?"
"Oh, this is gonna be good, whatever it is," said Harry.
"If by good you mean horrible, then yes," said Hermione. "'How great of a blowjob Jesus could give'."
"Holy shit," said Ron. "Who would play a card like that?"
"It was you, wasn't it?" asked Ginny.
"…next answer please," said Ron, who was relieved that no-one punched him this time.
"Next up we have…" said Hermione, picking up the second last card. "'J.D. Power and his associates'."
"And they are…?" asked Ron.
"I actually have no idea with this one," said Hermione.
"Well that's a first," said Ginny.
"You think I have some kind of encyclopaedic knowledge of everything muggles have ever done?" asked Hermione.
"…I mean, you have encyclopaedic knowledge of everything else," said Neville.
"Okay, final answer," said Hermione, picking up the final card of her round. "I have a date with…oh Christ."
"Read it," said Luna.
"I don't know if I want to," said Hermione.
"You know I'm just going to Accio it away from you if you don't," said Ron.
Hermione sighed with resignation. "Fine, whatever," she said. "'Seven dead and three in critical condition'."
"Holy shit," said Ginny. "That sounds like a crime."
"It's multiple crimes," said Hermione. "Hence why it's not winning." No-one said anything. "I said…"
"We heard you," said Harry. "I'm guessing whoever played it was just hoping to see how you'd react to the card, not caring if they won or not."
"Speaking from experience?" asked Hermione.
"…so who wins?" asked Harry.
"Hmm…" mused Hermione. "I think I'm going to go with…three boobs."
"Thank you," said Neville, taking the point. "So, guess it's my turn."
"What have you got for us?" asked Ginny, as Neville picked up the next black card.
"Umm…" started Neville. "Okay, I think whoever wrote this card had a stroke while writing it."
"What does it say?" asked Ron.
"I hope I'm saying this right," said Neville, taking a deep breathe. "'Skidamarink a dink a dink, skidamarink a doo, I love _'."
"…what the actual fuck did you just say?" asked Ginny.
"I have no idea," said Neville, looking at Hermione for help.
"Don't ask me, I've lost on this one too," said Hermione.
"Twice in one night? You're losing your edge Hermione," said Ron.
"Oh, shut up and play the game," said Hermione, picking a card.
"I feel like this is about to be a round where we just get rid of cards we don't like," said Luna, playing her card.
"For you maybe," said Ginny, playing her card.
"Hey, if the garbage cards make this make sense, I'm all for them," said Neville. "Speaking of which, let's see what you've got for me." Neville picked up the first card and read it out. "'Increasing economic inequality and political polarization'."
"Sounds like pro-capitalism propaganda," said Hermione.
"Why are they like that anyway?" asked Luna. "Why not give some of their extra money to people who need it?"
"Because then they won't have it," said Ron. "Greedy bastards."
"Okay, next card," said Neville. "'Sucking down thousands of pounds of krill every day'."
"So now you're a whale," said Harry.
"I think whale song would make sense than whatever this card is," said Ginny.
"Agreed," said Neville, picking up the next card. "The next thing I love is…oh, come on, who played that?"
"Read it," said Ron.
Neville gave a heavy sigh, before reading the card. "'Men'," he said, much to the amusement of everyone else.
"So, have you told Hannah about this, or…" started Harry.
"Oh, piss off," said Neville, picking up the next card. "Okay, the next thing I love is…oh, come on, really? 'Women's undies'?"
"Wearing them, or…" started Ron.
"Oh, don't you start," said Neville, picking up the final answer card. "Okay, this one's fine. 'Casually suggesting a threesome'. In fact, I think I might make that the winner."
"Nice," said Hermione, claiming another point. "Okay Luna, go ahead."
"Okay, here goes," said Luna, picking up the next question card. "'Behind every powerful man is _'."
"Oh, this is gonna get nasty, isn't it?" asked Ron.
"Depends what you play," said Hermione, picking her card.
"…yeah, I haven't got anything that bad anyway," said Ron, playing his card.
"Okay, let's see what you had," said Luna, picking up the first answer. "'A hazmat suit full of farts'."
"Of course that's how we start a question about men," said Hermione.
"Did you expect better from us?" asked Ginny.
"Hey, we're not that bad, are we?" asked Ron.
"I live with you, I have firsthand experience," said Hermione.
"You think that's bad? I lived with six of them," said Ginny.
"You win," said Hermione, as Luna picked up the next answer.
"The next thing behind a powerful man is…'Science'," read Luna.
"I didn't realise I killed Voldemort with the power of science," said Harry.
"Clearly you're not powerful then," said Ginny.
"Gee, thanks Gin," said Harry, as Luna read the next answer.
"The next thing behind a powerful man is…'women voting'," read Luna.
"I suppose men do need a few women's votes to secure their victory," said Ron.
"A few?" demanded Hermione.
"Well, you're sleeping on the couch tonight," said Neville, as Luna read the next answer.
"Why would someone…" said Luna, looking at the card in confusion. "Whatever. Apparently powerful men are backed by 'The prunes I've been saving for you in my armpits'."
"Okay, seriously, why would someone do that?" asked Neville.
"Because they…uh…yeah, I've got nothing," said Hermione, as Luna read the final answer.
"The final thing behind powerful men is…'Some kind of concentrated encampment for people'," she read.
"Oof, that one's a little too real," said Harry.
"Wait, that actually happened?" asked Neville.
"Do you guys not know about World War II?" asked Hermione.
"Why were people camping during a war?" asked Ron.
"Ron, first of all, that's not what the card means," said Hermione. "Second of all, we literally did that."
"Oh yeah," said Ron. "So who wins Luna?"
"Hmm…I like the idea of women voting behind men's backs, I'll go with that," said Luna.
"Not what the card was referring to, but I'll take it," said Hermione, claiming her point. "Harry, you're up."
Author's note: The current scores are:
Hermione: 8
Neville: 6
Harry and Ron: 5
Luna: 4
Ginny: 2