Authors Note: For anyone interested in re-reading the story, or just flipping back through, I have been working at generating some digital art images that have been added to different chapters in this story and will be added to further chapters going forward.
Trigger Warning: This chapter contains descriptions of medical examinations, mentions of SA and triggering content.
….
"Do you feel like you can continue?"
"Let's get this over with '' He looked at Hermione, amber eyes showing nothing but warmth as he reached out and grabbed her hand. "Because I want to go home"
oOo
"I am afraid this is the part where I need to examine you, if that is alright with you Severus?"
A shudder ran through his body, but he nodded his ascent regardless.
"At this point Hermione, I would usually ask that you step outside with Alexander, unless it is Severus's wish that you remain?"
Taking Alexander from him, she cradled the boy gently while placing the other hand in a comforting gesture on his shoulder.
"It's your choice Severus, I don't mind either way"
Inhaling deeply, he squeezed her hand on his shoulder, before breathing out deeply. "Go and take Alexander for me please, I will be alright for now, thank you though"
She nodded, pressed a gently kiss to his hair and walked in the adjoining room.
"Alright Severus" Hannah said in a voice that was gentle and kind as she stood from her seat "Remember we can call her back at any time if you need them" He stood at the same time and with practised ease she guided the much larger man with a gentling hand on his arm, towards the bed in the room.
"If you can just take a seat on the bed while I get a few things together please"
He did as asked, sitting nervously on the end with his legs hanging over the edge. Butterflies in his stomach became thestrals as he worked hard on raising his occlumency to shield his tumultuous thoughts and anxiety that was coursing through his veins making him feel sick with dread and shame. He was wearing new robes, however they were brewing robes that were not unsimilar to those he wore at Hogwarts. He'd chastised himself for wearing the clothes that were not exactly easily accessible but he'd found he needed to shield himself in familiar armour, rather than wearing the more comfortable clothes he wore at home with Hermione and the children.
"This is the part where I need you to remove some clothing for me, do you think you can strip below the waist and lay back on the bed for me?"
She also passed him a thin sheet, which was obviously for his comfort and to cover whatever part of him she wasn't currently assessing.
He didn't answer her, but nodded, if Hermione could subject herself to this and survive, then he could also.
He could have used his wand to disrobe, but he did it by hand instead. Perhaps there was something self soothing in the familiar routine. Shoes unlaced, socks removed and rolled, trousers folded, underwear folded. Or perhaps he was just procrastinating and trying to buy himself some more time before the inevitable.
He laid back , with the sheet gathered around his middle, thinking what a bizarre sight he must be with his bare legs on the bed but still buttoned up and severe above the waist, even if he had removed his robes, he still had on his shirt and waistcoat. Finding comfort in the fact that he was still somewhat buttoned up. As she pulled on some latex gloves, the snap of which made him flinch. "Before I touch you, are you allergic to latex, I have latex-free gloves if so ?"
Shaking his head in the negative , he was staring resolutely forward at the opposite wall and doing his best not to look in her direction.
"I am going to tell you exactly what I am doing, before I do it, and if at any point it is too much or if at any point you need a break or to call Hermione in, we shall do so, do you understand?"
"Yes" He managed to choke out , his voice nowhere near as strong as he would have liked it to be, still not meeting her eyes.
"I need to start by examining your genitals , can you please lower the sheet for me now Severus?" He didn't deserve how gentle and kind her voice was for him .
Forcing himself to let go of the iron hold he'd had on the blanket , he found that he couldn't then also force himself to take the next step and push them down and out of her way. Instead, leaving the blanket where it was bunched at his waist, but fisting his hands in the sheet he was laying on instead.
The doctor waited for a short time, seemingly waiting to see if he would do as she'd asked and when she'd assessed that he was going to, she spoke to him in those soft tones once more. "Severus, would you like to stop, or do you want me to move it for you?"
"Can you…please"
"OK, I am going to move the blanket now Severus"
She did so slowly , and upon feeling the cold air his hands jumped up to cover himself , before he remembered himself and forced them back down by his sides, taking in a shaky breath and downright refusing the tears that wanted to fill his eyes.
Hermione did this. You can do it.
"I am going to examine you now and I will need to touch you, if at any point you need to stop, we will stop, alright?"
"Yes" He couldn't force any more words out , aware he was being rude and monosyllabic but he could no more form a sentence that he could stop the instant full body flinch and shudder when she touched him where only a few women had before.
Before he'd gotten here, in his ever anxious dread leading up to the appointment, a part of him was mortified at the thought that he might embarrass himself and get hard with a female doctor touching him. But now it had come down to it, the fear and anxiety was acting like iced water and he was more concerned that if he retracted any more she wouldn't be able to do the damn exam.
He tried his best to zone out, occluding so heavily (too heavily) that he knew his voice would sound almost robotic to her as he was answering her questions, but it allowed him to answer without actually having to think too much, while she touched him this way and that and asked him to cough while she cupped him.
"Do you currently have any pain in your genitals?"
"No"
"Are you able to pass urine without pain or discomfort?"
"Yes"
"Are you able to ejaculate without pain or discomfort"
"Yes"
"Any blood when you pass urine or ejaculate?"
"No"
"Any bleeding or discharge?"
"No"
"Have you had any traumatic injuries to your genitals?"
"Yes"
"Anything that caused you to bleed?"
"Yes"
"Did the bleeding ever last more than a couple of days, or re-occur afterwards"
"No"
"Anything that altered the shape or structure of your penis?"
"Yes"
"Was the change permanent? Or did it resolve?"
"Permanent"
"Are you talking about the slight curve here towards the tip of your penis?"
"Yes"
"Was that accidental or intentional?"
"Intentional , a kick "
"And how long ago did that happen?"
"About 30 years"
She was silent for a moment , but Severus was so heavily occluding that he didn't really notice , nor did he notice the way she had gently moved her clipboard closer to her, checking for his date of birth on the information she'd written down and then looking at him sympathetically.
"So when you were approximately 8 years old?"
"Yes"
"Did that happen at school , another child?"
"No"
"Then who?"
"Father"
She covered the blanket back over him then, and placed a hand over his, it pulled him out of his occlusion a bit , enough to register the concern on her face.
"Did he ever do anything else like that?"
"No" He answered quickly, perhaps too quickly and she looked like she didn't believe him, so he felt the need to expand on his answer, deeply ashamed though he couldn't quite figure out why, after the reason he was here.
"It wasn't…it was never…sexual." He managed to get out. "He just wanted to teach me a lesson".
She didn't say anything more, but her brow was furrowed in concern and he found words tumbling out of his mouth, though she hadn't asked.
"He knocked me around a lot, me and my mother, but he never touched me like that I swear…I…I liked listening to David Bowie..He was so confident and carefree and I loved the colourful pictures and outfits and when my da was at work I…I put on one of my mothers blouses and was dancing to the record… my mum even let me use her eyeshadow" His face was fuschia at this point he was sure. "I'm not gay I swear… I'd… just wanted to dress up like Bowie, see if I could be happy like he always seemed to be."
He looked down into his lap, embarrassed beyond belief at that confession.
"I take it your father caught you?" She questioned him gently.
"He'd been sent home from work, drunk. Caught me there in the living room in a girls blouse, with makeup on of all things, dancing and singing with my mum to a Bowie record. My mum had tried to tell him I was just a child, just having fun and playing dress up and pretend, but he broke her jaw for letting me do it, he ripped the blouse off me, called me many homophobic slurs I do not wish to repeat and kicked me. Wanted to make sure I never had those thoughts about men again, even though I swear I'd never had them to begin with, it was just pretend"
"Severus, I am terribly sorry about your father's actions, but you do not need to try so hard to convince me that you weren't in the wrong, it was the 60s, and Bowie for Chrissakes, everyone loved him. Do you really think you're the first man or boy to dress like Bowie? Hell, my husband is as straight as an arrow, but he rocked a FrankNFurter outfit when we went to see the Rocky Horror Live"
He barked out a laugh and a few tears escaped with it, he didn't say anything more but nodded his thanks to her and she moved back, writing a few things on his notes in typical doctors cursive that seemed to be even worse that his own spidery scrawl because he couldn't make out a word of it.
"Do you feel we can continue?"
He nodded yes. He just wanted to get it over with.
"This part of the exam might be uncomfortable but it's very important. First I am going to examine you externally using my hand, and then internally I will be checking you for injuries and prostate which is done by one finger."
He shuddered, he'd expected as much. He'd never had a prostate exam before but he knew enough about what to expect.
"After that, with your permission, I'd like to do an ultrasound. It will take no more than 5 minutes, and the probe is designed to be small and as unobtrusive as possible. I can show it to you if you'd like?"
He went pale at the idea but he nodded, his only experience with the "ultrasound" was when he'd caught snippets of pregnancy on papers or television and was thankful the device she showed him looked more like a slightly larger thermometer. Still the idea of it filled him with unease.
"It might be a little uncomfortable, but it shouldn't be painful, we can sedate you if you prefer-"
"No sedation" He quickly answered. He was in no way, shape or form comfortable with not being in control of his faculties.
"Alright, that's entirely your choice. Then we can use a gel that will numb you, or preferably give you an injection that will numb the entire pelvic area"
For a while he was quiet, debating internally, before he questioned cautiously "What is the ultrasound for?" hoping she wouldn't think him a fool.
It seems she didn't , because she answered him without hesitation.
"The ultrasound will check for damage to the internal muscles, tissues and organs. In assault victims, especially those that have undergone very violent assaults like you yourself have Severus, there is often unseen internal injuries which if left can go on and cause further problems down the line. I do not want to distress you, but internal injuries of these sorts, if left untreated can cause everything from infection, to incontinence, impotence and if there is severe scar tissue even the development of pre-cancerous cells."
"Use the gel, not the needle"
She arched an eyebrow at him, quickly hidden, "Do you have an issue with needles?"
He snorted mirthlessly, "No, I do not have any issues with needles"
"Then may I ask why-"
"I don't want the drugs because I am a recovering drug addict"
oOo
It was clear that was not what she had expected him to say, but he praised her professionalism because she recovered quickly, and picked up her notes and began to write.
"What substances?"
"Muggle or Magical?"
She arched an eyebrow at him and he spoke quietly.
"Morphine and Heroin, Muggle. Magical, Dreamless Sleep and Analgesic Potions , the latter are the magical equivalent of the former, I suppose "
"How long were you using?"
"On and off for about 20 years , the worse was the last few years of the war"
"When you were spying?"
"Yes"
"You must have been under a lot of pressure"
"That's putting it mildly"
"How long have you been sober?"
"Almost 2 Years"
"I am impressed Severus, and pleased. That takes a lot of dedication and I commend you for it. From the situation you've been in, it would have been very easy, almost expected for someone with a habit of 20 years, to fall back into substance abuse, the fact that you haven't shows tremendous strength of character and dedication."
"Thank You" He answered, his voice almost a whisper. He had been waiting for the judgement which hadn't come, and it took the wind out of his sails a bit.
He chanced a look at her, and he could sense there was a question she wanted to ask, but chose professionalism over curiosity and swallowed the urge. He respected her more for it , but answered the unasked question anyway.
"Hermione does not know. It is not something I have withheld from her, nor is it something I would be averse to her knowing, I suppose it has just never come up in conversation even fleetingly enough for it to be relevant. It's not like I could say, pass the coffee, by the way I used to be a smackhead, any sugar please?"
She chuckled, and gifted him with a warm smile. "I can see why Hermione likes you."
He chuckled a bit, then looked somber. "Do you think I should tell her?"
"I cannot answer that for you. But I will say this, Hermione won't judge you or think any less of you"
He looked up sharply and searched her eyes, noticing the warmth in them and gave her a sheepish look.
"Is it.. Am I that obvious?"
She just smiled, "Only to someone who's got a doctorate in psychology" before biting her lip.
"…and I definitely shouldn't say this, but she might be more understanding than you would think"
He arched an eyebrow, searching her expression but said nothing further.
She cleared her throat. "The local anaesthesia does contain lidocaine, considering your history with substances if you would prefer to use just the gel then we can do so, like I said it may be a little uncomfortable but it shouldn't be painful"
"Alright" He answered and she encouraged him onto his side , before asking him to tuck his knees up so that he was essential in the foetal position.
Raising the occlumency shields as high as he could, much higher than he was safe, he gave her his consent to begin.
True to her word, the exam was more mortifying than it was painful. He felt sick with shame and embarrassment, but it didn't hurt. Tears dripped from his face when she used the ultrasound on him and he fought in vain to hold them back. It wasn't painful , but the sensation was altogether alien and also far too similar to things he did not want to think about. And the idea that he might be scarred, broken or damaged or somehow permanently changed what had happened made him feel sick and nauseous.
"Severus do you need me to stop"
"No just get it done please" He didn't want to stop and then have to start again. Didn't want to leave, only to have to come back. As nice as the woman was, he never wanted to see her again.
It only lasted a few more minutes, even though it felt like hours to Severus and when she was finally finished and removed the probe, telling him he could dress now, he broke into real sobs that he could not contain, magicking his lower clothes back on, and crumpling into tears upon the bed.
She spoke to him further but he couldn't make out what she was saying over his tears. She left the room and the only sound was his choking sobs for a short time, until there were soft footfalls and he felt a soft brush of magic that extended the narrow metal bed underneath him, until a warm and distinctly female body slipped in beside him, pulling his head gently to her chest, he wrapped his arms around the familiar shape of Hermione and wept into her chest while she gently soothed and rocked him, whispering random praises and adoration.
"You were so brave"
"I am so proud of you Severus"
"You are so strong"
"I am here for you, I will always be here for you"
It took a while but he eventually calmed down enough that he was able to get back out of the bed and move with her to the seats where they had begun. He took a few calming breaths, pulling himself together and she ran a gentle hand down his face, cupping his cheek.
"You're going to be alright?" He didn't know if it was a statement of determination or a question of his state, but he nodded in agreement either way, letting out a deep shuddering breath before composing himself as the doctor came back in.
"The exam is complete Severus, so now we are going to discuss your results alright?"
He nodded
"Would you like me to leave?" Hermione asked him gently and he shook his head no.
"Are you sure Severus, we will be discussing your intimate health and you are absolutely within your rights to ask Hermoine to leave"
He turned to the woman beside him, who had slung her arm around his waist, perching so far to the edge of her seat to be close to him and offer comfort, that she was partially resting on his own seat. "Please stay with me"
"Of course"
He looked back to the doctor and nodded.
"If you're certain?" She asked once more, giving him another option to back out , but he breathed deeply and nodded again.
And she offered him a small smile, before turning to her notes.
"Alright. You have no significant damage to your genitals, other than the old healed injury we discussed. But considering you do not have any problems with function, as attested by the gorgeous little boy in the next room"
He blushed but smiled softly at the mention of his son, eager to have him back in his arms.
"Then that, and the age of the injury, it does not concern me. If it was going to cause a problem, it would have done by now, so I am happy to say it does not need any intervention . However if anything changes, if you notice any changes in shape or texture, if you have any mechanical problems, or if you have trouble passing urine, or start having "dry" orgasms, then I would ask you get it checked out at that time, alright?"
He nodded, pleased that there was nothing untoward.
"Are you still comfortable with Hermione's presence before we continue"
"If she is not uncomfortable, I would prefer that she be allowed to stay" He was fairly certain her solid presence at his side was the only thing stopping him from fleeing and never looking back.
"I am here as long as you need me Severus, I can cast a muffliato if you don't want me to hear"
He debated it for a moment, but shook his head. "If it causes you distress, please do so for your own sake, but do not feel the need to do so for mine…I…Trust you, Hermione"
She smiled and squeezed him gently, and rested her head on his side. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, before nodding at the doctor to go on.
"Alright. As expected considering what you have been through, there is internal scarring, the level of which suggests at some point you had very serious grade 2 or even grade 3 tearing. However this is mostly tissue damage, not affecting the muscles and there are no fistulas or deviations all of which is very good news. Whatever means of magic or potion you used were effective in healing the damage. The position of this scarring, also means they are very unlikely to cause you any of the issues we discussed, but what I would recommend is every 18 months getting a prostate exam, at which point they can also take a swab and check for pre-cancerous cells, just a routine check in the same way that women have smear tests. A simple check and swab which is over in a few minutes, can you assure me that you will consider that for future peace of mind?"
"Yes, I shall..make the attempt"
He nodded , grateful that the news wasn't worse.
"If it helps, I need to get yearly smear tests for the same reason, we can book them on the same days and go to the doctors together and support each other if you would like?"
He relaxed a little, the thought of such an exam by himself had been daunting. "That would be…appreciated, thank you Hermoine."
"I'm glad you have each other , a solid support system is essential for recovery and I can see the two of you have a great understanding of what each other needs"
"There is something else I would like to discuss Severus, and that is your thoughts and feelings and all around mental state"
He tensed , but he didn't interrupt.
"I really would recommend some kind of counselling, it doesn't have to be now, but I would recommend at some point in the near future, looking at some form of talking therapy or counselling. I am a trained psychologist, so you can come talk to me as Hermione does, or you can go elsewhere if you prefer. For now , I just ask that you consider it"
He nodded.
"One related concern I would like to discuss with you now, and again I give you the option to speak alone"
He shook his head, whatever it was, he'd rather Hermione be by his side, of that he was certain.
"Throughout our time speaking , and throughout your examination, numerous times you have been very adamant about emphasising the fact that you are not gay. Now from what I have seen from you, and what Hermione tells me, you are not Homophobic in the slightest and have been in fact very much an ally as one would say. The reason I bring this up is for two different reasons. The first being that it is very common for male victims of sexual abuse to have this conception that enduring assault from other men, would make people perceive them as gay, or indeed make them gay. That is utterly false, and I do not want you to fall down that self discriminatory spiral, do you understand me? He closed his eyes and nodded but didn't speak."
She seemed to read him up and down, and he not for the first time wondered if she wasn't a bit of natural legilimens or empath, some remnant of a magical ancestor somewhere down the line.
"The second reason, and this is by no means an accusation nor an inference. Is that sometimes the men, and women for that matter, who are the most vocal about not feeling a certain way, are sometimes doing so because they are ashamed, or afraid or confused by their own thoughts and feelings on that subject."
His back was ramrod straight and he thought he might be sick.
"Sex education in the sixties and seventies was absolutely atrocious and from Hermione has told me sex education in the wizarding world is positively -"
"Victorian" Hermoine Deadpanned.
And he choked out a nervous bark of a laugh, she wasn't wrong.
"What I wanted to speak to you about, is the intense feelings of shame and guilt that are often felt in male survivors of sexual assault that are confused or ashamed of their sexual proclivities or orientation."
"Have you ever heard of the term bisexual ?"
He shook his head in the negative but still couldn't verbalise an answer.
"Bisexual means someone who is attracted to both genders. It can be someone who is attracted to both genders equally, or it can be anywhere on the spectrum such as being mostly attracted to women, and only a few men, or mostly being attracted to men and a few women. It is normal, common, and nothing at all to be ashamed of"
Hannah gave a quick look to Hermione, who gave a short nod, before She continued.
"Hermione herself identifies as bisexual"
His eyes snapped open at that , and he turned to look at her.
"It's true, I generally am more attracted to men, but I do find women attractive and I did have a girlfriend at school"
"Severus, the reason I am telling you this, is because men, moreso than women, are often ashamed of these thoughts and feelings about the same sex and hide, deny or internalise them. Especially when they have grown up in areas where there is open homophobia or hostility, such as religious homes or less progressive societies like the wizarding world seems to be, and when it then comes to assault, it can have some severely damaging long term psychological effects. Leading to there being a much higher rate of ongoing mental health problems, self harm and suicidal behaviour."
She was quiet, assessing, making sure he was listening before she continued.
" I want you to understand that sexual assault has absolutely nothing to do with orientation or preference. That even if a man were to ever have had thoughts or feelings of that nature, it does not under any circumstances mean they were "asking for", or "deserving of" anything that happened to them. Regardless of a person's orientation or feelings, the issue of consent is never mitigated. So I would like to ask you a question, do you believe that if a heterosexual or "straight" woman is assaulted by a man, she was in any way deserving or asking for it, regardless of what she was wearing or doing?"
"Not at all" He choked out, "Never!" shocked and adamant.
And Hermione squeezed his hand gently, which he squeezed back .
"And so if a gay man , or indeed a bisexual man was assaulted by another man, does that mean he was in any way deserving of it, or asking for it? Because of his preferences in partners."
His gaze dropped to his lap and he shook his head no.
Her voice was gentle as she asked her final question.
"When you go home today, I will be sending you some reading information about dealing wit trauma and assault, along with some recommendations on resources for counselling and therapy…would you also like me to send you with some reading material on gender identity and sexual orientation?"
He looked to Hermione, she hadn't faltered in the grip she had on him and offered him a soft smile, bumping her knee with his as had become a habit of theirs at home.
And his voice was even quieter when he answered.
"Yes please"