Episode 29:
Nightmare on Happosai Street

It was almost the middle of the day, and Kasumi was boiling some beans.

"Oh, can't I have some now?" asked Happosai, looking like a kid who'd been caught being naughty.

"No," replied Kasumi, her tone stern but loving. "The flavor hasn't cooked into the beans yet."

"Can't I just taste-test it?"

"No. Now go and wait," instructed Kasumi, her tone growing sterner. "Why don't you take a nap until they're ready?"

Happosai sighed with a groan.

The Sandman Skirmish!
A Nightmare on Happosai Street

"Oooogh...this is such a snoozefest..." groaned Happosai as he dragged himself along the carpet."Kasumi….aren't those beans ready yet?!"

"Not yet!" came the eldest daughter's response.

With another groan, Happosai slumped over. Gazing into the sky at the clouds, he groaned for a bit longer before he started to suddenly feel sleepy.

"Maybe….a nap…wouldn't be…so bad…" he yawned, before he found himself drifting off.

... ... ...

Ranma was laying down on the couch reading comics; it was a pretty slow day—no surprise fiancees, no would-be challengers coming to extract their pounds of flesh, no unwanted visits from Ryoga…for once, it was quiet.

"yawn...So quiet, so peaceful…" He then caught a whiff of the beans. "Mmm…the beans smell great!"

Something about the peaceful serenity of the day, combined with the soothing sound of the beans bubbling made Ranma feel sleepy…and within seconds, he was soon dozing off.

In an empty field, Ranma found himself standing face-to-face with Happosai; but something about this time was different. This time, he wouldn't be caught off-guard.

"This is your last day on Earth, old freak!" Ranma declared as he and the little gremlin charged at each other.

"Chew on THIS: KACHU TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN!" Ranma shouted as he unleashed a flurry of punches that knocked the old geezer flying into the air. "Ha-ha! You never stood a chance!"

"Aw, yeah! That's showin' him what for!" Kenma called, dressed in a cheerleader outfit and waving pom-poms.

"Thanks, Kenma. But you know there are male cheerleaders, right?" his brother questioned

"Yeah, but I like how this feels," replied Kenma. "Also, we've never seen male cheerleaders before, so we have no idea what they look like."

"True, true!" Ranma agreed.

"Also, how come it's me and not Lum or Ukyo cheering for you?" Kenma asked.

"I was fighting Happosai," was Ranma's response.

"...touché," Kenma nodded at the simple answer.

On the outside, Ranma smiled in his sleep, while Kenma was sound asleep next to him.

In his dream, Kenma was in a full-fledged battle against Ryoga, Genma and Kuno, while dressed like Piccolo.

"Alright…if you fools want to take me on, go ahead and meet your doom!" he exclaimed smugly.

"Now you're dead, Kenma!" Ryoga shouted as he charged at him.

"You're gonna be cryin' early today, boy!" Genma scolded as he charged alongside.

"Your arrogance shall be your downfall!" Kuno chimed in as he charged.

Kenma smirked. "...riiiight…" he remarked, as he waited for them to get closer. Once they were close enough, Kenma dodged Ryoga's roundhouse kick, and broke his left arm, then the right one.

The bandana-clad boy cried out in agony, and tried to kick at him, but Kenma grabbed his leg and slammed him into Genma, knocking him away like a baseball. Kuno swung his Bokken at Kenma, but he caught it and jabbed him in the face repeatedly with the butt of the sword.

BOINK!
BOINK!
BOINK!
BOINK!
BOINK!

Kuno yelped and shrieked as he was jabbed in the face. "Varlet, how dare you mar my beautiful face!" he shouted angrily.

"Maybe you'd prefer it if I did this?" Kenma said as he snatched the blade and swung it at the back of his knees, knocking him flat on his back. "And you call yourself a swordsman…PATHETIC."

The young warrior then plunged the wooden sword into the wannabe swordsman's stomach.

"All you are…is the village idiot," Kenma snarled before he put his hand out, warming up an energy attack. "And your act is OVER."

Kuno could only lift his head for a few seconds before he was engulfed in a massive blast.

SKAROCKA-BOOOM!

By the time the blast died down, all that remained was a few bits of dust.

"I probably should have done the same to Genma…" Kenma mused. "...ah, well. Next time, for sure!"

"Yay, Kenma!" Ranko cheered while clad in a cheerleader's outfit.

"Ah! Talk about your pleasant surprises!" Kenma remarked as he took a few bows and waved. "Still, I absolutely appreciate it!"

On the outside, Kenma giggled in his sleep, experiencing his reward after his taxing confrontation.

Akane walked in to see both brothers napping. "Ugh! These two are such bums!" she scoffed. "Sleeping their lives away, and on such a nice day, too!" In a huff, she sat down on the patio.

Then she got a whiff of the beans. "Mmmm…those beans smell pretty good, though," Akane admitted. "Almost…relaxing. I even forgot what I was so frustrated about just now..."

Within seconds, Akane soon found herself dozing off.

In her dream, an older Akimitsu was happily scarfing a meal that the older tomboy had made just for him.

"Mmm! Man, this sure is great stuff, Akane!" he said while indulging himself. "I've never had anything so tasty…well, at least not OUT of bed!"

"I'm so glad you like it, Aki! And of course, there's plenty more where that came from." Akane said with a big ear to ear smile.

A sultry smile crossed the young man's mustachioed face. "That's what I was HOPING for~" he replied. "You're a magnificent cook, sweet-tempered, and the cherry on top, cute as a button!"

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: How do we know Akane's dreaming? Simple, really—only Aki would say all that stuff and ACTUALLY MEAN IT. After all, Kuno is just a deluded dope, and Ryoga is a hopeless simp.]

Akane blushed. "Oh, stop, sweetie!" In actuality, she was really saying, "PLEASE, GO ON. FEED MY EGO MORE, IT'S STARVING."

"Tell you what…how about I make you some more then, huh?" Akane offered.

"Sounds like a blast!" Aki nodded. "Serve it up, if you please!"

As Akane went to the fridge to get more food, she opened it up…only for a tidal wave of lingerie to come spilling out, and start piling up, filling the room. "Ugh! What is all this?!" she asked with disgust.

From all around her, Happosai's voice seemed to echo. "IT'S MY DREAM! MY DREAM!"

Back in Ranma's dream, he was strolling over to the old man's prone form.

"Honestly, old man, I dunno WHY you keep trying," the ponytailed boy smirked. "I mean, it's not like you're ever gonna beat me."

Suddenly, a crackling blue energy bolt struck Happosai's body, and within seconds, he QUADRUPLED in size!

"FOOL! DON'T YOU KNOW THIS IS MY DREAM?!" he squawked, before he belched a massive energy blast that engulfed Ranma and Kenma.

"NOOOOOOO!" screamed both brothers before they were completely consumed by the blast…

…seconds later, they materialized on a street corner, along with Akane and Ranko.

"Akane?" remarked Ranma.

"Ranma? Kenma?...and Ranko?" queried Akane. "So…where are we?"

"You're in MY dream!" squawked a familiar voice, prompting the group to all turn forward. There, ahead of them, sat Happosai, perched atop a signpost that read GREAT MASTER HAPPOSAI'S DREAM.

"Great, the jerk's pullin' a Freddy Krueger!" remarked Ranko.

"So how'd we end up in your stupid dream, anyway?" Ranma asked.

"Yeah! I'd rather be in my own dream!" Akane chimed in.

"Well, I fell asleep first!" Happosai sneered. "And since I fell asleep first, I'm the one who's in control!"

"That's not how dreams work!" Kenma shouted angrily at the prune-faced man.

Ranma angrily swung at the old lech, who dodged and landed on his arm, at lightspeed.

"As long as I'm in charge, you're just too darn slow!" Happosai cackled, as he goaded Ranma into swinging at him again, and led him into a conveniently placed brick wall.

WHAMMO!

Ranko and Kenma winced as they saw Ranma lodged halfway into the brick wall as Happosai leapt down, cackling all the while.

"Kinda seems normal to me," Akane comments as she watches Ranma get defeated easily before Ranko points her towards something that would never happen in any reality…

Happosai, surrounded by girls Akane's age and willingly interested in the so-called "old master".

"Hahaha!" guffawed the old lech as he crowd-surfed. "Now, girls, if ya want a date with me, remember to put your numbers down neatly this time!"

"Well, at least we know it's a dream," commented Kenma.

"More like a nightmare," Ranma said as he pulled himself out of the wall.

After seeing him leave the throng of female groupies, the gang followed Happosai back to their home. Well, more like Happosai's dream version of the Tendo Dojo—a tacky-looking room with a deer head mounted on the wall, a crystal chandelier on the ceiling, a tiger pelt rug, and purple carpeting.

"I'll tell ya one thing. He's got horrible taste in decor!" Ranko remarked.

"Indeed," agreed Kenma. "Despicably tacky, really."

"I'll say!" Akane chimed in. Suddenly, she noticed something sticking out of a nearby cabinet. "Hey, these are mine!" she realized as she went over to see that it was one pair of her panties. When she reached up to pull it free, the doors of the cabinet fell open, and out spilled a pile of panties, bras, and thongs.

"What the—?!" sputtered Akane. "These are ALL mine!"

Happosai guffawed. "Yup!" he nodded. "I've got every Tendo sister undergarment in here—Nabiki's bras, Kasumi's panties, even Akane's thongs!"

"Akane doesn't own thongs!" stated Kenma. "...does she?"

Akane looked down, her face suddenly turning bright-pink.

"Are they for Aki?" inquired Ranko.

Now, Akane was blushing crimson.

"...your silence says so much," responded Ranma with a smirk.

"Oh, shut up!" Akane sputtered before she turned back towards Happosai. "I don't suppose you have my diapers in here or something, do you?!"

Happosai scoffed. "Oh, please. I chase women, not little girls!" he retorted. "I'm a horndog, not a pedophile."

Akane looked at him, incredulous.

"Happosai with standards…" Kenma muttered. "I can't tell if that's a relief or a concern."

Both Ranma and Ranko had their eyebrows raised in total confusion. "I guess we can take comfort in that fact. Not much, though." The ponytailed boy said to the redhead.

Akane rolled her eyes, before she realized she'd been kinda insulted. "...hey! I am not a little girl!" she snapped.

"Your breast size says otherwise," Happosai retorted.

Akane angrily slapped her hands over her chest. "AKI likes them, and his opinion matters more to me than any of yours!" she retorted.

"Eh, whatever," shrugged Happosai. "Besides, I've got some lingerie for Ranma and his cute little friend to try on!"

"No stinkin' way!" retorted Ranma, before a deluge of water was splashed on his head…and turned him into Ranko!

"...whoa, are my funbags that big?" asked Ranko-1, adjusting her chest like she was looking in a mirror.

"What the hell?!" Ranko-2 gasped. "I thought I only changed on my command!"

"Maybe in the real world, but not in here!" crowed the old fart.

"Ken, gimme a spritz!" the double requested.

"Right!" Kenma nodded as he got out a squirt gun and gave Ranko-2 a good spritz of warm water. "...what the—?! It didn't work!"

"Huh?!" Ranma blurted. [A.N.: We'll just call him Ranma for convenience's sake.]

"Hehehe! Now, why don't ya just stop fussing and put on this brassiere?" Happosai said with a smug grin as he held the garment in his hand.

"No way! Let's get outta here!" Ranma said as she zipped out of the room with Ranko following behind, and the others in hot pursuit.

Happosai peered out the doorway. "You can run all you want, but it won't do any good!" he cackled. "After all, it's MY sick, twisted little world—you're just LIVING in it!"

Akane was running in front of the group as they fled into the empty neighborhood streets, when Ranko suddenly realized something. "Wait a second. Do you even know where you're going?" she questioned.

Immediately, Akane ground to a halt. "...no…"

"So then WHAT MADE YA THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA, HUH?!" Ranma shouted.

"Oh, so I suppose YOU had a better idea?!" Akane snapped.

"Can't be worse than YOURS!" Ranma fired back.

"Well, that's just great! We're flyin' blind!" Kenma said sarcastically. "So what the hell're we supposed to do NOW?!"

"Hold on a sec, Kenma. I see something up ahead." Ranko observed as she pointed out a sign that read, Nabiki's Dream: 5 ft ahead.

"Well, blimey!" exclaimed Kenma as he immediately started heading in the direction of the sign.

"Hey, wait up!" Ranma called out as he followed behind his brother, with Ranko and Akane bringing up the rear.

On the way there, they had reached a dark tunnel with a toll booth blocking the way.

"If you wish to pass, please insert ¥1,000 into the slot." the automated voice instructed.

"It figures...paid entry!" Akane said with a straight face.

Kenma cracked his neck and wriggled his arms. "Hang on, I got this," he said as he strode over to the toll booth. Clearing his throat, he leaned down to the slot. "...hey~" he intoned in the smoothest voice he could muster.

"You are clear to enter. Please proceed," the automated voice replied as the light turned green, and the toll gate lifted.

"Thanks aplenty!" Kenma smiled as he trotted gleefully down the tunnel. "Welp, I've gained entry. You guys are next!"

"Oh, I think I get it." Ranko leaned in close to the speaker and said, "Hi, Nabiki~ I hope you don't mind, I brought some company."

The gate opened once again for the redhead as she walked inside, with Ranma and Akane following behind her.

"C'mon!" Kenma shouted. "I think I see a door at the end!"

"Right behind ya, Ken." Ranma said back.

As the group made their way towards the door, Kenma pried it open…only to see that they had all ended up right back where they'd started: at the tackily-put-together Tendo Dojo.

"Welcome baaack!" squawked Happosai. "In fact, I think this calls for some refreshments!"

He picked up a nearby bell and rang it. As the door on the left opened, out came…

"...NABIKI?!" Kenma exclaimed, mortified.

There was the girl he was dating, but dressed like a traditional geisha, carrying a small platter of drinks which she placed in front of Happosai.

"Excellent, slave!" the old geezer cackled.

And that made Kenma very, very angry. "SLAVE?!" he snarled, readying an energy blast. "You damnable old—"

"Watch that temper, runt!" mocked Happosai. "After all, I might just order my cute little geisha here to act as a human shield. Wouldn't that weigh heavily on your conscience, I bet!"

Kenma seethed as he lowered his arm. Damn you… he fumed inwardly.

"You lecherous old cretin!" Akane said. "How dare you turn my sister into a slave!"

"That's a good little monkey," Happosai smirked smugly. "It's about time you recognized your betters…just like dear sweet Nabiki has!"

"He's right, Kenma. It'll be much easier if you just quit while you're ahead." Nabiki said before she subtly shook her head.

"The girl makes sense," Happosai smirked. "Oh, slave? Be a peach and rub my shoulders, wouldja?"

"Anything for Grand Master Happosai," Nabiki replied cheerfully as she started rubbing the old lech's shoulders.

"Baby, you got those magic fingers!" Happosai crowed. "Maybe I'll ask you for something a little more…private~!"

Kenma looked like he was about to vomit from a mix of rage and disgust.

Akane's face was completely red with rage as she clenched her fists and a single drop of sweat rolled down her face.

"I'm gonna kill him!" Ranko said to Ranma. "And I'm gonna help," he replied.

"I don't think I've ever been this happy until I became Happosai's personal servant." the geisha said before clearing her throat because she had thrown up in her mouth.

"You can't really mean that, can you?" asked Kenma.

"She couldn't!" Ranma said in utter disbelief.

"That girl sure is sensible!" the old gremlin chortled.

"¥3,000 for my services, please." Nabiki said as she held out her hand.

Happosai grumbled to himself as he fished out some money and slapped it in her hand. "Almost too sensible..."

"Thank you!" she said with a smile as she slipped the notes into her cleavage. "Just call me if you need anything else." Nabiki then walked away and wiggled her hips while passing by Kenma.

Kenma let out a moan under his breath as he saw that little wiggle.

"Okay, so she hasn't lost her senses." Akane noticed, relieved that her sister hadn't actually given into Happosai's will.

"And that means there's a chance if she knows a way to beat him…I can learn it!" Kenma concluded.

The geisha then flashed a fan that had the words, "Follow me!" written on it in Kanji.

"Good thing I can read small print!" Kenma smiled as he got up and followed after Nabiki. The others quietly excused themselves to join him.

Back in Nabiki's room, she undid the sash of her kimono and took off her pushup bra. "Sweet relief! I felt like I could barely breathe in that thing." the geisha said as she let her breasts hang out.

Kenma and Ranko's jaws hit the floor upon seeing that. Ranma and Akane respectfully looked away, of course.

"Anyways, we need to get out from under you-know-who's thumb." Nabiki stated as she tied her sash. "Lucky for us, I've got a plan."

"Well tell us, then!" Akane urged.

"We'll all have to get knocked out one way or another." her sister explained. "If we get knocked here in the dream, we'll be wide awake in the real world."

"Oh! Well in that case, I nominate Ranma to be the first." Akane said as she pulled out a giant mallet and swung it at the girl's head, which she promptly dodged.

"I veto your nomination!" Ranma snapped. "Maybe we oughta knock YOU out!" he said as he swung back with his fist.

"Oof! Hey!" The tomboy exclaimed as she and the ponytailed girl went back and forth.

"Will you two get off each other's case? Happosai's the one we're after." Nabiki scolded.

"She has a point," Kenma nodded. "I don't wanna have to stay in this nightmare any longer."

"Yeah! Neither do I!" Ranma admitted as he took his mouth off of Akane's arm.

"Me neither." Akane agreed as she let go of the boy's ponytail.

"So the idea is that we knock him out somehow?" inquired Kenma.

"Yep! And I think I know what we can do." Nabiki stated as she handed Ranko a french maid costume. "Here, put this on."

"What for?" the redhead asked.

"I think it's about time for the old gremlin's union-mandated bathroom break." the geisha said with a smirk.

AND SO, A LITTLE WHILE LATER…

Ranko and Nabiki were hard at work in the kitchen, preparing a hearty meal for the…ugh, "great master".

"Hurry up in there, will ya? I'm starving!" Happosai bellowed.

"Patience, grandmaster," urged Nabiki. "One mustn't rush when the intent is to craft a masterpiece."

"And this one's extra special!" Ranko said with a devious smile as she added the secret ingredients to their main entree: extra-spicy chili oil, followed by a whole bottle of extra-spicy habanero sauce. "And now to give this a little mix," the redhead said as she took a wooden spoon and stirred the sauce around. When she lifted the spoon from the mix, she saw that it had been burnt black, before it crumbled to ashes and blew away.

"It's ready!" Nabiki grinned.

Kenma nodded. "Good," he responded. "Then take it to 'im."

"On the double!" Both girls answered as they wheeled out the cart holding the platter.

In the former dojo area, Happosai was looking especially impatient. "About time you got it over with!" he snapped. "That aroma's been taunting me for too long, and I can't stand it anymore!"

"Well ya don't need to wait any longer, oh wise and beneficent one." Nabiki stated as she revealed the dish. A piping hot bowl of Spaghetti and Meatballs. "Voila!"

"Ah, now that sure looks tasty!" the old gremlin said, his mouth watering.

"Well don't just look at it! Dig in!" Ranko urged as she gave him a fork.

"You don't need to tell me twice!" Happosai replied as he snatched the fork, and then tucked into the food, hungrily scarfing down as much as he could.

"I expect a reaction in 5, 4, 3..." Nabiki started counting.

"2, 1!" Ranko finished.

The second Happosai finished off his plate, his stomach began to gurgle and quiver. His mouth then caught fire as he screamed out in agony. "YEEEAAAAAAAAGGHHHH! Hot hot hot hot hot hot!"

"Here! Have some sake!" the geisha handed him a bottle, the contents of which he immediately emptied into his open mouth.

"That didn't work! Gimme somethin' else!" he wheezed as smoke began to rise from his open maw.

"Try some of this chilled green tea!" Ranko urged while holding a pitcher full of the stuff.

Happosai took the whole pitcher and emptied it down his throat. "Darn! That didn't work either!"

"How about some fresh Orange juice?" Ranma offered.

Within seconds, Happosai had snatched the carton of orange juice and poured it down his throat in one swift motion.

That seemed to do the trick…and then, it finally happened. In the real world, Happosai shot awake and made a beeline for the bathroom.

Once he was awake, everyone else was able to wake up, and didn't hesitate to do so.

"Oh thank Kami, we're free!" Kenma shouted as he got onto his feet. "And THAT'S no dream!"

"If I had to call that old bastard "great master" one more time, I would've lost it!" grimaced Nabiki, nauseated.

"Welp, I'm gonna go find Aki," said Akane as she left the room. "Later!"

"You do that! I'm gonna go train a little." Ranma said with a yawn as he got up and stretched.

That left Kenma and Nabiki by themselves. "Hmm…what should we do, I wonder?" the monkey-tailed boy inquired.

"Well, I had this idea with a tight secretary outfit, you, and a bottle of lube," Nabiki smirked as she ran a finger down Kenma's chest.

Kenma's face went red. "...is that right, then?" he wheezed.

After a good hour, Happosai came out of the bathroom, looking completely drained—as though he'd pissed his soul out. "Ah, what a relief!" he exclaimed before spotting Ranma.

Uh-oh! It looks like Ranma's awake again. I better sneak past him before notices me and gives the beating of a lifetime! the old gremlin thought as he began to tip-toe across the porch.

He then snuck into the kitchen and saw Kasumi preparing lunch. "Hey there, Kasumi. Are those beans ready yet?" Happosai asked, once again.

"Yes, but I have to plate them first." the elder Tendo said as she continued.

With another groan of dismay, Happosai fell on his side. MORE waiting?! Aw, nuts…!

"Yes, more waiting. Now run along!" she urged.

Happosai raised a brow. Damn…how did she figure out what I was thinking?!

"You're quite easy to read," replied Kasumi with a smirk.

Happosai fumed as he got to his feet and slunk off, annoyed.

Ranma walked back inside after his training session with a towel draped around his shoulders. "Boy, did that ever work up an appetite!" he said before tripping over the little gargoyle's oversized head.

"Hey! Watch where you're go—" Happosai stopped mid-sentence when he realized who just bumped into him.

"Oh, hello Happosai! Ya know, I just remembered somethin'," the ponytailed boy said as he clenched his fist.

"Wh-what's that, Ranma?" the old man stammered while slowly backing away.

"I need to give you the mother of all beatdowns! C'mere and take your lumps!" said Ranma as he swung his fist at Happosai who ducked and ran in the other direction. "Get back here, you wrinkly old prune!"

"No way! How could you beat up an old man just for having a dream?" Happosai asked while running away.

"Well, ya know what they say," Ranma shouted as he chased the old pervert away. "...DREAMS ARE MADE TO BE BROKEN!"

UP NEXT: IT'S THE SEASON FINALE!

Merry Christmas, everybody…this is Kenma, and I'd like to offer my congratulations for sticking around all the way through Season 2. Because of your support, we'll be able to return in January with a brand-new season, which our finale will include the trailer for!

Anyways…next episode.

Remember the drama teacher from the Romeo and Juliet episode? Well, he wants to put on a community production of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. And guess who's playing ol' Scrooge? …that's right, it's SOUN TENDO!

What, you didn't expect it to be him? Well, we had to show off David Kaye's acting chops somehow!
Don't miss a minute of "RANMA'S CHRISTMAS CAROL", our big season finale!

We'll see you there, okay? Consider this your stocking stuffer!