Stella's anxiety levels were high as she slowly stood up in front of the parole board. All eyes were on her, making her anxiety worse. She silently prayed that she'd make it through this without breaking; he didn't deserve to see her break again. Twelve years ago, she was younger, more fragile, and severely broken. He stared at her in that courtroom, and he licked his lips constantly like he knew he was getting to her. She was shaking and very uncomfortable as she told the courtroom full of strangers what he did to her. She cried, screamed, and fell to her knees. She was pulled out of the courtroom by her lawyer and Misty. She knows she looked mentally unstable to the jury. But that was then.
This is now. This Stella Kidd was not the same girl she was then. This Stella Kidd came a long way in twelve years, with the help of Misty, but she was still constantly worried that she was going to run into Paul somewhere and that somehow someday Sonny would get out and come find her. She lived in fear for the longest time. For the longest time, Misty helped her keep her fear at bay, but then one day Misty was gone, and the fear started to slowly creep back in. As she struggled to be normal again, going out to clubs and bringing guys home and using them for sex just so she could feel something because that's what they turned her into, she didn't want love, she didn't want a relationship, and she didn't want to live most days. She just went through the emotions.
And then one night, just scrolling through Facebook, she came across Gabby Dawson's Facebook profile, and they reconnected. Her best friend from childhood, who would have thought that planning a trip back to her hometown to just spend some time with her childhood best friend, would change her life traumatically and in a great way-actually, in the best way possible.
Meeting Kelly Severide was like finding a light amid her darkness. He gave her hope, encouragement, kindness, and compassion. She was barely holding on and struggling daily, but he offered a way to help her regain her glow and shine again. To see the good and the beauty in the world again. He helped her re-establish herself, find herself, show her what love was, and finally put her past behind her. Even though her past sometimes sneaks up on her and tries to bring her back into the darkness, Kelly is her lifeline; he won't let her fall, and if she did slip, he would catch her.
This past year has been the best year of her life. She has grown into the woman she always knew she could be. She's in love with an amazing, supportive, caring, and good-hearted man. And she is involved in the community, and she's helping young girls who have experienced similar situations that she's been through. She has so much strength and courage now; she is stronger and more confident than she's ever been. She can do this; even with him sitting there staring at her with his creepy, perverted eyes and giving her that smile that turns her stomach, she can do this.
She clears her throat and glances at Kelly before she speaks. "I came here today to tell you all why I feel letting Sonny Johnson out on parole would be a bad decision. I was fifteen when I lost my mom and was sent to live with my aunt. You have no idea how scared I was. My mom was gone, and since I had no family, I was sent to New York, a city I'd never been to, with an aunt that I hardly knew. My whole world was changing, and I was scared of a new start without my mom. I was pretty much a loner when I first got there. I kept my distance from everyone because I just wanted to go back to Chicago.
My aunt told me that she and my mom talked years ago about the what-ifs, so if anything happened to her, my aunt promised to take me in and love me like her own. After she told me that, I kind of felt a little less uncomfortable. I was living with my aunt for ten months and started to like it. I have friends and my first boyfriend, and life in New York was turning out better than I thought it would. My aunt threw me this big surprise sweet sixteen party; she wanted my first birthday without my mom to be a good one. The day after the party I met Sonny, my aunt induced him as her boyfriend, and I was shocked because I figured she wasn't the type to date; she never mentioned a boyfriend. He seemed pretty cool at first; he moved in with us, and she told me he was in jail for drugs, resisting arrest, and domestic violence. She said it wasn't her he hit; it was his ex-girlfriend.
I felt a little uneasy knowing that he was in jail, but my aunt kept reassuring me that he wasn't that man and that his ex was a liar, I figured she knew him better than I did, so I wasn't going to judge him. He was there for about a month. He seemed pretty cool, never bothered me, and never really even talked to me. I did my thing; he did his thing. And then one day, it was a Sunday; we had just eaten dinner, and I was washing up the dishes. My aunt went to lie down because she had to work a night shift that night, and I felt these hands on my hips, it was Sonny. He played with my ear, and he apologized for always looking at me. He said I was incredibly beautiful, and it would be in my best interest if I quit wearing tank tops and shorts around him because I was making him jack off daily. He then walked away, making me feel very uncomfortable. I thought that he did it because he was drinking all day, so he was pretty drunk. I just went to my room, locked the door, and stayed in there the rest of the night. I never told my aunt because I thought it was the alcohol that made him do it. Two weeks went by and nothing was said; he never touched me or tried to touch me, but I noticed that he was staring at me a lot, mostly my ass and my chest.
Sonny and his friends were always watching me, licking their lips, and touching themselves. I began to feel more and more uncomfortable with their roving eyes. Sonny started commenting frequently on how I'd grown into such a fine woman, while his eyes would be staring at my chest or my ass. He took to finding opportunities to brush against me 'accidentally'.
Once, after dinner, while I was washing the dishes, he came up behind me, asking if I needed help with the dishes. Before I could refuse, he slipped his arms out from behind and was pressing up against me, so that I had to lean forward toward the sink. I could feel the heat of his groin right up against my ass. I remember gasping and him chuckling as he gave me a quick grind of his groin. Then he left the room.
I told my aunt about what happened, but she said I was probably overreacting. She idolized this man, and I never really understood why. He was not the kind of man you wanted to idolize.
He never touched me or looked at me with my aunt in the same room, but he became less subtle in his overtures toward me. Frequently, he'd comment on how nicely my chest was filling out, or he'd eye my crotch with such intense scrutiny right in front of me. At every opportunity, he tried to cop a feel of my breasts or grope my ass, always trying to make it seem like it happened accidentally. As the months went by, he started getting bolder and more demanding. Sonny and Paul would come up behind me when I was washing clothes, dishes, vacuuming, whatever. They would grab me and put their nasty hand over my mouth so my aunt wouldn't hear me screaming.
"They would feel all over me and tell me how beautiful I was and what they planned to do to my body." She paused and said, "I figured I could survive; they never actually had sex with me. Paul, my aunt's boyfriend's friend, wanted to, but Sonny would say no, she's a virgin; we can't take her virginity. Even though he grossed me out, I was kind of relieved when he said that. I figured I had a year and four months to put up with their sick behavior. Once I was eighteen, I planned on getting the hell out of New York. But everything changed on my seventeenth birthday, Sonny raped me in my bed and took my virginity." She looks down for a moment. Kelly squeezed her hand and whispered. "You got this."
"I'm not going into detail about what that sick man did to me; if you need detail, open the folder in front of you. I refuse to give that man the satisfaction of reliving the hell he put me through."
Sonny gave her a big grin, which only made her stronger. "Sonny Johnson doesn't deserve to be free; Sonny Johnson doesn't deserve to live. Locking him up for life will never be the true justice for me. Sonny Johnson is a rapist and manipulator, a murderer, a four-count murderer."
"I didn't murder anyone!" Sonny yelled.
"Mr. John...
"You murdered my best friend; you murdered my boyfriend; you murdered my babies, both of them," Stella yelled back interrupting the board member who was speaking. She was looking directly into Sonny's eyes-his cold, soulless eyes. "You are the reason my best friend took her life. You cut the break line on Devin's cars the night he died. I will never be able to prove it, but you know it's the truth." She took a deep breath and balled her fist up. "You killed my babies, both of them. By kicking and hitting me repeatedly in the stomach. You took away my teenage years, my virginity, and my birthdays. I can't even celebrate my birthday anymore because of you. You took away my right as a woman because of the intense damage you did while kicking me when I was pregnant. I can't. I can't have kids." She cries. "I can never give my wonderful, supportive fiance a baby. And that fucking kills me; you took that right away from me. You took away my chance to be a mom and my fiance's chance of being a father."
Kelly leans back in the chair as she continues to talk. His mind is racing, and his heart is breaking. She never told him that; he deserved to know, didn't he? Why didn't she say anything? Why would she want to keep that secret from him?
Stella wiped her eyes. "He doesn't deserve to be free; please don't let him be free." She cries as she begs the three board members.
"I'm a changed man, Stella; the Lord changed me."
"The hell he did, you would say anything and everything to get them to believe you. You are still the same sick, creepy, disgusting pedophile, rapist, and murderer that you were twelve years ago. People like you don't change."
"Stella I want to tell you I'm sorry."
"No," Stella interrupted him. "I don't want your apology. I don't accept your apology because you're not sorry; you don't even know what sorry means. I know the game you're playing; you want to say all kinds of bullshit to me just to get them to think that you're a changed man, and I know you're not a change man, and you know you're not a change man. You loved every damn minute of torture you caused me. That's why you keep giving me that freaking evil, wicked smile that you used to give me all the time. You've done it five times since you entered the room, thinking that no one would catch on. Well, I caught on because I know you; I know you too damn well, and it makes me sick."
Sonny smiled and gave a little chuckle. "I know you too, every inch of you." He winked. "Your weakness was my pleasure."
"Office, remove Mr. Johnson from the room," Michelle said.
" No! Don't remove him, please." Stella asked as all eyes looked at her curiously. "Look what I have to say. I want him to hear me. I need him to hear me, so please don't remove him from the room just yet."
"Okay," Michelle said while giving Stella a concerned look.
Stella took a moment to recuperate herself. "My weakness doesn't exist anymore when it comes to you. I am no longer that scared, weak, fragile, broken girl you took advantage of. I am much stronger, more confident, and healed. I will admit that I will probably never be fully healed. You will always pop up in my head. Every time I see a TV show, movie, or news story about a woman being beaten or raped, my mind might flicker back, but it doesn't make me weak. It makes me stronger; all the anger I had for what you put me through has turned into motivation. And I will use that motivation to lift myself and to be a light in someone else's darkness. The traumatic experience I went through has molded me into the woman I am today.
A strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars," she paused. "Again, I tell you that letting this man go would be a huge mistake. I hope and pray that you take into consideration everything I said today, everything the woman before me said, and everything the woman that comes in next says to you. And you think about the other women who are not here today who either didn't know about the hearing or who were afraid to come forth. Because trust and believe me, there are other women I know there are. and I understand their fear completely. Can I please ask you to think about all the other women-all the silent women who couldn't stand up for themselves? I want to be their voice too. Don't let him be free. I know that there are tons of sickos out there on the streets every day, but please don't add to the mixture by allowing this man to be free."
"Thank you, Miss Kidd; we will consider everything you said and make our decision within the next few days. You will be notified by mail of our decision."
" Okay." She gave them a little smile. "Can I say one more thing to Sonny?"
"Yes, you can."
She turns and looks at Sonny with her head held high. Sonny smiled that gross, evil smile at her. "I forgive you." She said it in a tone that was low but carried so much weight. "I forgive you for everything you did to me. I forgive you for raping me. I forgive you for taking away my innocence, for taking away my right as a woman, for taking away my teenage years, and for making me think I was so broken and no one would ever love me. I forgive you for everything."
Sonny's smile faded as he stared a hole through her. "I don't want your forgiveness."
"I'm not forgiving you so that you can have peace because I don't give a damn about your peace; you don't deserve peace. I'm forgiving you for me. I have forgiven you so that I can finally set myself free of you. I refuse to live in the shadows of what you did to me anymore. This past year has shown me how courageous and strong I can be. I need to forgive you so that I can completely heal. I intend to do so once I walk out of this room; any connection to my past that is connected to you will be gone. I'm taking my power back. I hope you rotted in hell with Paul."
She then turned and walked out of the room, with Nacey and Kelly behind her. Once she got out of the room, she let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding. "That felt amazing." She smiled. " I feel like a weight has been lifted."
"You were amazing, Stella," Nacey tells her. "I think you gave them all something to think about, and your forgiving him was not something anyone in the room expected, especially the three board members. I noticed their expressions when you were talking."
"I hope so. I hope they listened."
"I think they did," Kelly tells her as he kisses her cheek. "You were very brave and inspiring in there. I'm so proud of you."
"Thank you, babe." She pecked his lips. "So what's next?"
"What's next is that you go home and continue to live your life. When they make a decision, I will call you. Thank you for coming; what you did today was wonderful, Stella; you made a difference."
"You are welcome." Stella was beyond proud of herself. "Let's go home, Kelly."
It was around nine when they arrived back in Chicago. Stella's happy mood was gone; a confused, worried mood invaded her. She noticed that Kelly had been acting a little differently ever since they left the courthouse. They went and got something to eat before their flight; he didn't talk much; he claimed he had a headache; he slept most of the plane ride; or at least his eyes were closed. Stella believed that he really wasn't sleeping; he was just avoiding talking to her, but she didn't know why. They arrived at the airport, and he was still in his own little world. In the cab, he didn't talk, and when they got home, he went straight upstairs.
Stella stayed downstairs, trying to figure out what exactly went wrong. They were having such a great time in New York, they even got engaged. She really thought they were going to go celebrate their engagement. But now he's hardly looking at her; he won't talk to her, and she can't figure out what she did. She grabbed her phone and texted Gabby that they had made it home. She walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water. Before heading upstairs, Kelly walked out of the bathroom as she entered their room. "How's the headache?"
"It's still there." He told her as he dried his hair with a towel.
"Do you want a massage?"
"No, I'm just going to go to bed; I'm pretty exhausted."
She was surprised he turned down the massage; she usually gives him head massages when he has a headache. "Okay, I'm just going to take a shower."
" Okay." Was his only response. He climbed into bed and closed his eyes.
She knew something was bothering him. But what?
Later the next day, Stella was on the phone with her private investigator when Gabby walked into her kitchen.
"You have no idea how happy that makes me."
Gabby leans over the counter, listening to the one-sided conversation. As Stella continued talking, Gabby caught sight of the diamond on her finger.
"Thank you so much, Ron." She hung up and looked at Gabby. "Great news...
"What the hell is on your finger?" Gabby asked as she grabbed her hand. Interrupting what she was going to say.
"It's an engagement ring."
"Kelly proposed?" She asked excitedly.
"Yes, he did in New York." She smiled as she thought about it. "It was lightly snowing, and Christmas music was playing; it was perfect."
"Kelly's got great taste; it's big and very beautiful."
"Yes, it's beautiful." She replied as she looked at the ring. Her smile fades as she thinks about how Kelly is acting.
Gabby noticed her face. "Okay, for someone who just got engaged, you seem a bit down. What's wrong?"
"Something is going on with Kelly."
"What do you mean?"
"He's acting strange; he hasn't really talked to me since we left the courthouse."
"That doesn't make sense."
"I'm trying to figure out where things went wrong, and I can't figure it out. We had a good time in New York; we got engaged right before we had to go to the courthouse, and he was fine; we were fine."
Gabby sighed. "How was he at the courthouse?"
"Supportive, like he always is, making me feel like I could do anything. Even inside the room, it's like he sensed when I was nervous or when my anxiety was sneaking up on me. He would squeeze my hand and whisper, You got this."She fidgets with her ring. "Afterwards, he told me I was brave and he was proud of me."
Gabby leans up against the island. "When did you notice the change?"
"After we left the courthouse, I told him I was hungry; it was a little after four thirty, and our flight was scheduled for six fifteen, so we went to this little restaurant by the airport. He ordered his food but kept staring out the window. I was trying to get him to talk with me, you know have a conversation about anything with me, but he just sat there, barely paying attention. I asked if he was okay, and he said he had a headache. So I left him alone, and we ate in silence."
" Hmm."
"He was still being a gentleman, opening the doors for me, and carrying my bags. But he wouldn't look at me or talk to me. On the plane, he went to sleep, but I think he was just pretending. I know when he's really sleeping, you breathe differently when you're sleeping."
"Why would he do that?"
"To avoid talking to me, we got home, and he grabbed all the bags and went straight inside and headed upstairs. When I went upstairs he was going to bed, said he still had a headache, I took a shower, and he was sleeping when I came out."
"Maybe he had one of these tension headaches, and he just wanted to sleep. Where is he now?"
Stella laughed bitterly. "I don't know; he got up around seven and said he was going to the gym. I haven't seen him or heard from him."
Gabby's eyes widened. "It's like four in the afternoon."
"I know. I told you he's avoiding me." Her voice was cracking, and her eyes were watery.
Gabby gave her a condolence look. "Make him tell you."
"I can't do that."
"Why the hell not?" Gabby crossed her arms over her chest. "You have every right to ask your fiance what that hell is wrong with him."
"I don't, Gabby. I shut him out a lot, and he never asks me what's wrong; he gives me my space to work it out. If I ask him, I'll be a hypocrite."
Gabby sighed loudly. "Stella, you won't be a hypocrite; you will be a concerning fiance."
"I'm scared."
"Why, honey? You didn't do anything, and it probably has nothing to do with you."
"You think?"
"Yes, just ask him; you will feel a lot better."
"Thank you, Gabby." She pulled her into a hug. "Oh, I forgot to tell you," she said, pulling back. "The private investigator I hired to help find Vanessa found her."
"Stella, that's awesome. Where was she?"
"The girls were right. Vanessa had an aunt in Florida; she is with her. I'm just so happy she is safe," she cried.
"Me too." They hugged again.
Kelly walked into the kitchen to find Gabby and Stella crying and hugging. "What's going on?"
The girls pulled apart and looked over at him. "We were celebrating," Gabby told him.
"Celebrating what?"
"The private investigator found Vanessa; she is safe and in Florida with her family."
Kelly's eyes widened in surprise. He glanced at Stella for just a second. "That's good. I'm happy to hear that." He told them, then turned and walked away.
Gabby watched him in confusion. "See, something is wrong." Stella tells her.
"Look, I'm going to go, but you go ask him what the hell is going on? You deserve to know. And call me later." She gives her a quick hug.
Stella took a few deep breaths before she walked upstairs. She walked into their room to find Kelly lying down. "Are you okay?"
" Yeah."
She watched him for a moment before she asked. "What's wrong?"
" Nothing."
"Kelly, something is bothering you; I can sense it. Baby, please talk to me."
"There is nothing to talk about." He tells her in a loud and irritated tone.
His tone set Stella off. "Like hell there isn't; you haven't looked at me, kissed me, and talked to me since New York. I've spent the last twenty-four hours trying to figure out what the hell I did to upset you."
"I just need to process some stuff."
"Process what? Kelly, please don't shut me out. I know I have no right to ask you that considering I shut you out a lot, and now I know how you feel when I do it. It hurts." Her voice is cracking as she tries to control her emotions.
Kelly sat up. "I felt a little blindsided in the courtroom."
She wasn't expecting that. " Why? I don't understand." She slowly walked over to him.
"I thought you told me everything that happened to you."
"I did."
He looked at her with such disappointment. "When I flew to New York to bring you back home, you told me about Paul."
"I remember." Her voice was low and uncomfortable.
"I asked you if there was anything else in your past I should know, and you said no; you said I knew everything."
"You do; you know everything." She was confused and slightly nervous.
He sighed and shook his head. "I didn't; you lied to me."
" Kelly I never lied to you; I told you everything; you know every single detail of what they did to me." She told him in a defensive tone. "I don't understand where this is coming from or what you think I lied to you about it."
He could tell she wasn't connecting the pieces yet. "Yeah, you told me everything they did to you, and I knew about the pregnancy both of them, and I knew that you lost both babies too, and the horrible way he killed your babies, but you never told me that you couldn't." He trailed off. This was going to be a hard conversation.
She closes her eyes as she realizes what he is getting at and why he is upset with her. "Kelly," she whispered. "I wanted to tell you I did."
He looked up at her; she was crying now. "But you chose not to; we had tons of conversations about our future. We even talked about kids in the hospital when Gabby was in labor, and you didn't say anything to me, not one damn thing."
"I'm sorry." She cries. "I didn't know how; I wanted to, but I couldn't, it was hard subject to approach. I just didn't know how to start the conversation..."
He stood up; she looked so broken and fragile, and he hated that he was the reason. But he couldn't help it; he was upset. He's been planning his future with her, especially the last few months, and kids were a big part of their future. "Did you even consider my feelings? Did it ever cross your mind that I deserve to know that the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with would never be able to give me a child? How is that fair to me, Stella? All I've been thinking about, especially these last four months, was marrying you and having a child of our own, and now that dream is dead."
Stella was crying uncontrollably now. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Kelly." She didn't know what to say; there was honestly nothing she could say to make it better. She knows that he's hurt, and she knows that she should have told him. The subject was on her mind a lot lately, but she kept chickening out.
He wanted nothing but to go over and pull her to him and calm her down, but he let his anger outweigh his love for her. "Sorry doesn't help us. I love you, Stella. I love you so much, but I want kids."
Stella heard her heart break. She couldn't speak; she just stood there, looking at the floor. She knew where this conversation was headed.
"It's hard to accept that I'll never be a father; I'll never have a kid of my own. I don't think you realize how wrong you were for keeping me in the dark. This is a lot to process for me. It's just not fair to me."
Stella's head snapped up. "Wait a minute," she began as she thought about everything he said. "You are being very selfish right now." She was pissed.
"Excuse me? How in the hell am I being selfish?"
Stella wiped her eyes, her anger taking over. "I take full blame for not having that conversation with you. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that we could never have kids. I wish that I could go back and fix it, but I can't." She took a deep breath. "But I refuse to let you stand here telling me how your dreams are shattered and you'll never be a father. How much you wanted to have kids of your own? Nothing is stopping you from being a father; nothing is stopping you from having kids of your own. There are plenty of women out there. Kelly, go find you a real woman that will give you a baby. Since I'm not a real woman."
" Stella I...
" My dreams of being a mom are shattered, I will never be able to have my own baby. I will never get to carry my baby full term, never get to experience what it's like to bring a baby into the world, to love a child that's my own. That guilt eats away at me daily. I feel like I'm not even a real woman because I can't conceive a baby." She took a second to catch her breath. " Gabby is my best friend, and when she announced her pregnancy, I hated her, I was jealous, and pissed off that she was pregnant, I can't tell you how many times I cried, throughout Gabby's pregnancy, or how emotional I get when I see a pregnant woman out in public. It's not fair that they took that right away from me, that I feel guilty and ashamed for not being able to have a baby. Sometimes I feel like it's God's way of punishing me, for not getting away from Sonny sooner. " She wiped her eyes and took a deep breath. " I love you, Kelly, I do. I can never give you the life that you want, the life you deserve. You deserve to be a husband and father, " She took the ring off, " Here take your ring back, and go find you someone who can give you a baby, someone who makes you happy. Be happy Kelly, that's all I want for you."