5

This is What Butterflies Feel Like

"Let's work towards a day when we can both finally do whatever we want to."

Danho's eyes had gone wide at Lady Kim's words but it was hard not to be hopeful from the way she spoke.

"Right," he responded, his voice coming out softer than he intended.

"Yes. Besides," Lady Kim dropped Danho's hand and shrugged, "Everyone has to go through struggle in some way to grow. Look at Dongju for instance, she doesn't have the skills to be a kisaeng but works hard in trying to dance anyway."

"What's wrong with her danc–" Danho began but was distracted by Lady Kim suddenly getting to her feet. He watched in surprise as she plucked a large, flat leaf off a low hanging tree nearby and started waving it like a fan across her face.

"I don't see what's so difficult about this," she said as she twirled around with the leaf in hand, smoothly moving her feet across the rock they were sitting on. Danho could tell she was just being playful but her movements had such an effortless grace; he wouldn't have been surprised if she told him she had been trained as a dancer.

She stretched her slender arms over her shoulder before taking another spin and coming to a halt before Danho. She brought the leaf to her face and loose strands of hair from her bangs flicked away from her forehead when she fanned herself with it; at this point, her expressive eyes were all Danho could see.

He was entranced.

"It's like learning how to fight."

Danho shook his head as Lady Kim's voice brought him back to reality.

"What?" He asked, not sure if he heard her right.

"Dancing is like training to fight," she repeated. "The discipline and the strength you need for both is not too different."

"That makes sense," Danho admitted, remembering then about the day they actually met when Lady Kim was battling those thieves next to him. "Who taught you to fight?"

"Being that as I wasn't allowed to do anything else," she laughed wryly, "I grew up spending my time training with my Master at home."

Danho saw her bright eyes dim a little and he felt a pang of guilt, wondering if that memory of her past might be painful to bring up. Just as he was about to offer some kind of consolation, she tossed the leaf in her hand to the side.

"We should head back," she said, adjusting the coat Danho had lent her tighter across her shoulders. "Dongju might be wondering where I am."

Danho swallowed; Lady Kim's words had suddenly turned the guilt in his gut from earlier into… a different kind of ache.

How is this possible?

Danho didn't want to leave her side; at least not right away. He stood up.

"I'll walk you back to the kisaeng house," he said firmly. Lady Kim simply nodded and as they walked side by side through the woods. They didn't speak but Danho couldn't resist sneaking glances at her, the same question replaying in his head as they went along.

Am I… in love with Lady Kim?

x-X-x

Dongju was already feeling annoyed about having had to deal with yet another failed dance class and Madam Cheon's attempts to encourage her in something she had no interest in. But finding out on returning that the Lady Kim impersonator – she didn't even know his real name – had managed to evade her in the meantime brought her annoyance from a simmer to the verge of a boil.

She took a few deep breaths and decided it wasn't worth the stress; she had much better places to focus her energy. She snuck away to the one place where no one would come looking for her; her very own nook in the forest not too far away from the Widow Village.

It was her special spot, a wide-mouthed cave where Dongju spent time on her own to work on her very personal project –

Her plan for the assassination of the King.

"It's alright, my dear Eunseo," Dongju's mother consoled her as she cradled her petite body in her arms. She and her mother were somewhere out in the woods, surrounded by the sounds of screaming from other members of their family being killed. Flashes of light weaved in and out of the darkness as palace guards moved about with fire lamps.

"Eomma, I'm scared," little Dongju felt the tears well up in her eyes.

"Just close your eyes," her mother told her and held her close. Dongju did as she was instructed and couldn't remember if she fell asleep because when she opened her eyes again, she could feel the ground below them moving.

And she could smell blood and death.

Her mother was still right next to her and they seemed to be lying on a pile of… bodies.

"Eomma…" Dongju cried softly and saw her mother's eyes flicker open. She put a finger on her lips indicating that she not make a sound and barely choked out her own words.

"You'll be fine, my child," her voice croaked. "Pretend you are dead," she said before she took her last breath. Dongju cried for her mother in silence, unable to understand why this was happening to them.

Her memories of how she survived that ordeal and made it to the Widow Village were quite blurry but with a new name and under the watchful eye of Madam Cheon, she had grown up at the kisaeng house. Unfortunately, the horrible memories had left a deep impact and to this day she was unable to sleep in complete darkness. It was one time when she particularly missed her parents that she had decided the only way to end the pain… was to end the person responsible for making it happen.

The King.

She was convinced her plan would finally free her of all her pent-up anger and suffering.

Going by recent stories of how the King was executing people in and around the palace based on uncorroborated rumors of treason – just like she learned her family members were – Dongju would have been arrested without question if a government official were to walk into the cave right now. Her make-shift countertop was cluttered with bows and arrows that she had carved herself and the walls were covered with maps of the palace and detailed drawings for a concealed weapon.

While it's true that she had been working on all of this for a while now, her very first attempt to complete her mission had, by a stroke of bad luck, been botched; and in the strangest form of coincidence, by none other than the Lady Kim impersonator on that fateful day at the market.

Dongju could see the parade of people escorting the King passing by on the street from where she stood. She knew the King would appear in her view soon and quickly assembled her bow to shoot her arrow. She got into position and could see the edge of the King's palanquin. Her body tensed in preparation to set off the arrow – a move that would change her life forever – when someone sharply bumped into her from behind. Her wooden arrow clattered to the floor and she turned around to see a man look between her and the weapon.

Aish…

She saw him bend down to get it and panicked, impulsively shoving him away and picking it up herself while he looked back at her in astonishment.

"What was that…" he grumbled. Dongju spun around to look at the main street and saw the end of the King's palanquin pass by; she had missed her chance.

That man was the same one she knew as Lady Kim today and Dongju sighed; in hindsight, if she gave him the benefit of the doubt, he was probably just trying to get to his mistress back then.

Thwack! She sent another arrow flying straight into the straw target she had set up on a tree. Her weapon worked fine and her aim was getting better… what she needed now was opportunity.

She had to come up with another option.

With that in mind, she walked back to her place. It was when she got near the kisaeng house that she spotted Lord Yulmu waiting for her with a parcel. She groaned.

Cha Yulmu was someone who knew her from when her parents were still alive and hence the only one who knew of her real identity. He somehow seemed to take pride in keeping it a secret and never once used that knowledge against her. Dongju had no idea what he got out of it but he seemed to appear everywhere she went these days.

Why won't this man take a hint…

"Dongju-ya!" Yulmu waved at her and she waved back, too close to be able to pretend she hadn't heard him. He walked up to her looking excited about something. "Are you on the way to the Widow Village?" She nodded, hoping that would be enough conversation for him and continued walking along until she saw he had come up right next to her again.

"Are you alright? You don't look so good," he said, his expression changing to that of worry as he started to remove his coat. "Here, take my –"

"Don't!" Dongju nearly snapped at him. "I'm fine," she reassured him, her voice softer. Yulmu smiled and was now unwrapping the parcel he was carrying.

"Then have these sweets," he said, showing her the red and white striped candy piled in the basket. "I got these for you today –"

"I don't want it," she said firmly. She was almost beginning to feel bad for being so short with him till she spotted 'Lady Kim' walking towards them in the distance with…

… Lord Yulmu's bodyguard? What's he doing with her?

She saw the chance to escape her situation and took it.

"Kim Gwabonim!"

x-X-x

Both Danho and Lady Kim's attention shifted to the voice that had called out. Danho located Dongju in the distance near the gate of the kisaeng house.

It was when he noticed that Lord Yulmu was standing next to her that his body immediately switched to warrior mode. He straightened his shoulders as he continued to walk towards them with Lady Kim, who appeared to have noticed his change in behavior.

"Looks like your boss is here," she muttered to him with a frown. "What's that he's giving to Dongju?" Lady Kim scurried up to her and Danho followed a few steps behind. That was when Yulmu noticed Danho.

"You're here?" He asked before briefly glancing at Lady Kim. "Is that your coat?"

"I was… taking a walk," Danho cleared his throat, "I came across Lady Kim and she said she was cold so..." Yulmu stared at him for a few moments before his face broke out into his distinctive big smile.

"Ah. The weather is indeed perfect for a walk today." Yulmu nodded at Danho and shifted his attention back to Dongju who was now, to Danho's surprise, shoving a purple cloth full of sweets into Lady Kim's hands.

"Lady Kim, Lord Yulmu made these specially to congratulate you on your birthday," she said hastily and hurried off with a quick bow before anyone could react.

Danho blinked.

It's her… birthday?

"These are my favorite!" Lady Kim said happily. Yulmu looked helpless as he watched Dongju get away and sighed in resignation, now turning to Lady Kim.

"Happy Birthday," he said with a smile and she scoffed.

"I'm not a child," she grumbled; the way she said it made Danho suspect something off between her and Yulmu. But then an instant later, he saw her pop two of the candies into her mouth. She was chewing on a third one when Lord Yulmu appeared to remember something.

"Huh," he mused. "Today is also the day that –"

"Is it someone else's birthday?" Lady Kim interrupted him, looking excited.

"Ah… it's nothing," he responded and without another word or even a glance at Danho, he walked off in Dongju's direction. Danho waited for him to leave before finally looking at Lady Kim, who had just popped another couple of sweets into her mouth, without a care in the world.

"You didn't tell me it's your birthday."

"Oh? Yes, it is," she replied absently, continuing to enjoy the striped candy as they resumed their walk towards the kisaeng house together.

"Happy Birthday," Danho said simply, oddly wishing he had a more interesting way to put it.

"Thank you," was all Lady Kim said and by this time her mouth was stuffed with so much candy her cheeks looked ready to burst, making her smile even more adorable.

Why was she so cute?

"You like these?" Danho asked, gesturing at Lady Kim's hand that was full of the little marbles of candy.

She nodded and somehow her smile widened even more. "By the way, what did Lord Yulmu mean earlier? Is today a day of significance in town?"

"Ah…" Danho started, "It's just a special day in the palace, I guess."

He wasn't lying; he knew this day was commemorated every year but no one, especially the commoners, really questioned what the occasion was as long as they got the rations or meals that were distributed to them as gifts from the King that day.

The only thing Danho could tell from his time in the palace was that it might have something to do with the Queen. He had heard some of the palace guards talk about how the Queen would have a special lunch with the King and –

"Okay, I'm going now," Lady Kim's words broke into Danho's thoughts. "Thank you for the coat, I'll return it after washing it." And before he could say another word, she had pressed a candy into his palm and scuttled off towards the Kisaeng house, leaving Danho shaking his head in amusement. The corner of his lips twitched with the hint of a smile as he popped the striped round sweet into his mouth.

Kim Gwabo… Why am I so intrigued by you?

Meanwhile, somewhere in the palace, the Queen stared at a bowlful of the same candy as it sat as part of a spread on the table before her while she twiddled with her broken norigae and mourned her child that she lost twenty years ago.

x-X-x

Kim Yeo-wool savored the feel of the cool air as he fanned his face and indulged in his favorite pastime of walking around and listening to people talk. He took great pleasure in being the bearer of many secrets, be it the latest gossip to go around the kisaeng grapevine or more importantly, the men who came to secure his company at night.

He wasn't one to give away his confidence – he was a vault and he took pride in that too – but the thrill that came from knowing what would happen should the information go out… He was aware that having this knowledge would probably come to bite him some day but until then he was going to enjoy living life dangerously.

He started to turn a corner towards where the kisaeng women generally liked to gather at this time for a break with drinks and conversation, when a voice caught his attention.

"Do women really wear these?"

There was no mistaking that soft, deep voice that made his heart flutter every time.

Yeo-wool peeked from behind the column to see the owner of the voice, Park Danho, in conversation with Ma Haesoo, the most popular kisaeng at the house. She appeared to be handing him something and he was looking at it intrigued. Yeo-wool turned away and rested his back against the column, suddenly feeling the need to fan his face even more.

He sighed, feeling a blush rise across his face.

Park Danho…

All the different men that he spent time with, they all had the nicest things to say to him. They made promises that he knew they would never keep outside those four walls, said things to him that would make anyone blush and treated him like there was no one else in their life more important to them at that time. And Yeo-wool couldn't care less for any of them.

And then there was Park Danho.

He was like a whirlwind; he knew what he wanted and always made it very clear that their interactions were strictly… 'stress-relief' and that there was nothing more to read into it, much to Yeo-wool's dismay. He was also the one who sometimes spent the entire night telling stories about his adventures that Yeo-wool loved to hear. Some were sad, most were painful and a lot were downright scary considering the field of work he was in.

And then there were days when he spoke about his hopes to one day stop what he was doing and live a free life where he didn't have to hurt another soul. These were times that made Yeo-wool feel special knowing the Prince's personal bodyguard and on-demand assassin didn't share this true side of him with anyone else.

It frustrated him that this man of all of them happened to be the one person who didn't reciprocate any kind of feelings towards him, romantic ones at least. And Yeo-wool was a desperate man in love, open to any small sign; even an empty promise would do.

But Park Danho was an incredibly secretive man especially when it came to his exchanges with him. He made sure he only visited him after dark; this is why it was always a pleasant surprise for Yeo-wool to spot him around the kisaeng house during the day.

What was Park Danho doing here at this time?

He strained his ears to see if could find out what he and Haesoo were talking about.

"Ohh Park Danho, got yourself a woman?" He heard her say. "And here I thought you didn't like women at all."

Yeo-wool heard a strangled cough and nearly let out a laugh himself. If only she knew.

But wait, why did she even ask that in the first place?

Yeo-wool snuck another peek at them and saw Haesoo smiling at Danho as he quietly put whatever it was that she gave him, into his coat. "Don't worry, she will love it," she assured him.

'She'? Who were they talking about?

Yeo-wool was pretty sure that Park Danho didn't have much of a social life aside from serving Lord Yulmu, much less women. He watched Danho, expressionless as always, walk away from her and Yeo-wool was intrigued; he had to talk to Haesoo.

Maybe it would help with unexpected jealousy he was feeling right now.

x-X-x

The sun had just set when Nokdu finally got back to his room at the kisaeng house quarters. He noticed Dongju wasn't home yet and decided to make the most of the time he could freely be himself. He pulled out his binyeo, undoing the bun and letting his hair down. He thought of taking a late-night dip in the river and was about to get out of his women's hanbok when the sound of the floor creaking outside caught his attention.

His eyes snapped to a shadow underneath his door. He waited for whoever it was to knock or announce their presence but when they didn't, he began to wonder if it was trouble.

Have I been discovered? Is that Min Deul-re waiting outside to kill me?

He tied his hair back loosely and stood up, moving towards the door as quietly as he could. Gripping his binyeo behind his back, he took a deep breath and slid open the door to see Park Danho standing before him like a ghost in the dark.

"Omo!" He exclaimed, his voice going higher than usual, which actually worked to his advantage in his current avatar. "Park Danho? What are you doing here? Oh, your coat is –"

"Happy Birthday," Danho said stiffly, his face expressionless. Nokdu couldn't be sure but he seemed nervous about something.

"You already greeted me earlier today; why are you acting weird?" He narrowed his eyes at him and Danho cleared his throat.

"I picked this up on the way. Take it." He pressed a small, rectangular block into Nokdu's hand and stepped back. Nokdu looked down at his palm to see a beautifully painted box.

Not taking his eyes off it, he moved away from the door and sat on the floor while studying the item carefully. He clicked it open and inside it were tiny, rouge sheets of paper. He threw a quick glance at Danho who was starting to walk off.

"Hey, what is this?" Nokdu called out to stop him while picking up a piece of paper and examining it. Danho stilled in his tracks and turned to face him.

"Don't you know, Lady Kim?" He asked, suddenly looking unsure about his own gift. Nokdu shrugged and sniffed at it.

"It smells nice."

"It's…" Danho hesitated and Nokdu wondered why he was looking so uncomfortable. "It's for your…"

"What? Spit it out already!"

"Your lips! Gosh, seriously…"

"My lips? Why, what's wrong with my lips?" Nokdu panicked, quickly checking his face in the mirror. Luckily, his disguise seemed intact; Danho's comment had him thinking something was out of place.

"Nothing's wrong with your –" Danho started before he promptly kicked off his boots and stepped inside the room. "Here, let me show you." To Nokdu's surprise, Danho came and sat next to him, holding the paper to his face. "Open your mouth," he instructed.

Nokdu snorted, laughing at Danho's strange request.

"Park Danho, if this was something that I had to simply eat, all you had to do was say so."

"No! Just... just your lips…" Danho's unusually expressive eyes went wide in frustration as their focus shifted from Nokdu's eyes and seemed to fall… on parts of his face that were definitely not his eyes.

Nokdu's throat suddenly went dry. Something about Danho's gaze made his lips part on their own before he actually registered what he had said. Danho gently held the card in both hands and brought it to Nokdu's mouth.

"Now press your lips together on it," Danho explained, his tone a little bolder now as he made a 'pop' sound with his own mouth.

"W-What?"

"That kisaeng told me this is how it's done. Just trust me."

"Trust you? We've only known each other a few days!" Nokdu exclaimed, almost immediately feeling bad as he noticed Danho's face fall slightly.

"Do you… want me to leave, Lady Kim?" He asked, slowly lowering his hands and keeping his gaze averted. Nokdu could hear the upset tone evident in his voice but couldn't fathom why Danho would be this bothered by his words. Unless…

Was Park Danho interested in him?

Nokdu shook the thought off; it wasn't possible since Danho thinks he is a woman. He wondered if he was perhaps misunderstanding a prospective friendship; Nokdu couldn't deny the strangely natural feeling of trust that overcame him when he was around Danho. He sighed.

"No, it's okay," Nokdu said, sitting up straight again. "Show me." Danho gently lifted the card to Nokdu's face again.

"Just bring your lips together on the paper."

This time, Nokdu did as he was told. It was an unusual position to be in; they were so much in each other's personal space now that he wasn't even sure where to look, especially since he could sense Danho's eyes lingering on him.

The paper felt gentler against his lips than he had imagined. Its slightly floral scent was much clearer now, clouding his nose and on instinct, he rubbed his lips together on it. He then shifted his face slightly to glance at the mirror on his cupboard.

It was utterly ridiculous how pretty he looked.

With the added shade of rouge on his lips, he was more convincing than ever as a woman. And right behind him he could see Danho, gazing at him like he was the most beautiful person in the world.

I must be imagining things… He's probably just proud of his choice of gift. Yes, that has to be it.

Nokdu decided not to overthink it; he didn't want to question Danho's intentions and confuse himself any more than he already was.

He turned away from the mirror, once more coming face to face with Danho who was now looking straight at him. It was only then that he was realized how close they really were. It wasn't uncomfortable but it was so intense it almost felt…

Intimate.

Neither of them moved or broke eye contact but Nokdu could have sworn he saw Danho's eyes flicker towards his lips.

"Argh, if that guy gives me any more candy, I will –"

Dongju barged into the room complaining about her day and froze when she saw Nokdu and Park Danho.

"What is going on here?"