Thank you for simply being here with us this season.

Chapter 5: Juggling at the Circus

Rosalie

Tuesday, December 5, 2023

Seattle, Washington

"For fuck's sake, what did you put in here, bricks?"

With a loud thud, I drop the last red tote labeled Christmas and look over at my husband in exasperation. Oblivious to my feigned distress, he is too busy untangling another set of lights while wearing a red Santa hat to notice. The energy in this apartment has been nothing but Christmas spirit ever since Emmett's trip to Forks over the weekend to help his family bring down their boxes.

I place a hand on my hip. "You know what? You complain about the lack of space here in the apartment but every year you collect more and more Christmas decorations," I tell him, well aware of Emmett having this same conversation with his parents a few days ago. I wipe a strand of hair out of my face. "I think you'd be better off living at the North Pole with all your Christmas spirit."

"Just waiting for the big man to fall off my roof one night," Emmett replies, bending down to plug the lights into the wall to see if they still work from last year. A moment later his face lights up and his eyes squint closed in protest. Yes! They work! He turns back to me. "Then Noelle and I will jump into his sleigh and like Rudolph, the rest will go down in history."

I shake my head with a laugh, reaching to take the lid off one of the many totes dotting our hallway. There isn't much space to walk now that we have taken all our decorations out of the closet. "Isn't that the plot to The Santa Clause?"

"Naturally," Emmett answers, moving to help me with unpacking the decorations. We have gotten used to moving quickly and efficiently while Noelle finishes off a nap, knowing that every minute she is awake is nothing but beautiful, natural chaos.

We have a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it.

"I do like that one," I say, thinking of my favorite Christmas movies. "But the chances of you hearing him on the roof of our building are pretty slim considering we live on the twenty-first floor."

"I tried to get the penthouse but it was a little out of our price range," he replies. "Maybe if I hit my bonus for the next, I don't know, fifty years, I can make it happen."

"You'll be a perfect Santa by then," I laugh, dropping a pile of garland back into the tote before walking over to him. I jokingly grab him by the chin with one hand, turning his face to pretend to check his facial hair. "Plenty of time to grow this out." Then I reach a hand to tap on his flat stomach. "And this out, too."

"Is this your way of admitting you have a Santa kink?" Emmett asks excitedly. "Because I'm pretty sure I have a costume somewhere in these boxes."

I laugh loudly as I watch Emmett begin to search frantically through our hallway of Christmas totes.

If someone would have told me two years ago that we would be here, tossing jokes back and forth to each other as we decorate for Christmas while our daughter naps, I'd call you a fucking liar.

I never thought we'd find ourselves in a place like this.

I'm not talking about Seattle, though the move from the east coast wasn't as hard as we thought it would be. I'm talking about finding ourselves more in love than we ever have been.

It has been this way ever since the Christmas Emmett came out here to Forks without me, almost two years to the day. In hindsight, I couldn't blame him; we were in such a dark place that we wouldn't have survived together much longer if he didn't hop on a plane to come here. It was like the minute he had left my life immediately turned black and cold and I knew then that even if it nearly killed us both, I would try.

I had to. For him. For us. For me.

I've come a long way in the time since I found the snow globe he left me on my desk in my darkened office in Manhattan. I said goodbye to that broken version of myself the moment I stepped foot into the house on Sycamore Lane and found him there.

I'm not the person I was the day I left New York anymore.

And thanks to Emmett and Noelle, I'll never be that person again.

My heart warms at the thought, and instinctively I reach for a specially labeled tote. Marked fragile as many times as space would allow, I open the lid and grab one of many carefully wrapped items.

"You always start with those every year."

Emmett's voice cuts into my moment, and I can hear just by the softness in his tone that he feels it in his heart now, too. In the past, it had always been Emmett who had been Mr. Claus. He was the one coating the house in a magical holiday dust while I was the one brooding in the background, constantly pining for a role in motherhood I thought I'd never achieve, while also grieving for how close we were that year to becoming parents. While a part of me will always mourn for the child we lost, I have never been so grateful for the life we have now with Noelle. Nodding, I let the paper float to the floor as I stare at what was wrapped inside of it. "It's my favorite of them all."

Emmett, giving up on his search for his Santa sex costume, walks over to me. Sliding his arms around my waist from behind, we both stare at the beautiful snow globe in my hand. He rests his chin on my shoulder, gently swaying us back and forth in the silence of our hallway. Our daughter sleeps a few steps down the hall, and the trauma that nearly tore us apart is now a thing of the past.

I give the snow globe a gentle shake, and we watch as the snow falls onto the little family inside of the glass. A man, a woman, and a tiny blonde haired baby girl hold hands as they walk onto a Christmas tree farm. It resembles the three of us so perfectly, and I'm reminded again of how close we were to losing it all. My heart bleeds thinking of it.

"It's my favorite, too." He places a kiss on my lips before pulling away to smack my ass. "Now hurry up and put it on the mantle so I can show you how much."

"We'll have to be quiet," I remind him. "We're not in the penthouse yet, remember."

"Forget the penthouse," Emmett says, pointing towards a pile of red velvet. I think I spy a thick black belt buckle. "I'm taking you to the North Pole."

…

I always take one day off of work in December to try to get a jump on the busy season ahead. Even though Emmett is able to work from home a few days of the week, I still feel slightly overwhelmed with everything on my to do list, and I figured once Noelle woke up from her nap I would take her with me to run some errands while Emmett went back to work.

It is absolutely faster to go about the city without lugging Noelle, and all her stuff, around with me, but the truth is I love bringing my little broke best friend around with me wherever I go. At fifteen months old, she is fearless and funny and her personality shines a little more each day.

I never thought I could love someone so much.

I love her in a completely different way that I love Emmett, and at first, I wasn't sure I would be able to find room in my heart to love them both. After we moved to Forks, it was like we became newlyweds all over again. Our love was on fire, so intense it became overwhelming in the best way. I still look at him now and a rush of completeness floods through me when I watch Emmett be the loving and devoted husband he always was.

And when he is with Noelle, well, there are no words for that.

Humming to myself, I push the stroller through the mall, through the throngs of people who, like me, took the day off work in an attempt to juggle all the demands of the holiday season.

Because that's exactly what it is. A juggling act. Most times, there are not enough hours in a day to accomplish everything I have to do. Deadlines at work are pushed back to accommodate family illness days. Dinner sometimes comes in the form of take out and groceries are delivered when Emmett or I can't find the time to make a trip to the store. Sometimes I have to choose between a clean house or getting on my hands and knees and playing with Noelle. No matter how hard I try, there is always something being pushed to the back burner or brushed aside, only to be forgotten about and remembered later in a late-night panic.

I like to tell myself, in moments of ignorance, that it will all settle down some day. That one day I'll be able to do it all.

Until then, I keep pushing through. I ignore the buzzing in my pocket as my office still tries to contact me on my scheduled day off. I ignore the guilt that is starting to wear on me with each ding of another email. I add more gifts to my cart and cross them off the list while Noelle reaches for every item we pass by. I ply her with as many Puffs as she wants as long as her temperament allows me to keep juggling. The shopping list, motherhood, marriage, a career.

By the end of it all, I'll be the master juggler in this circus act called life.

I just have to survive it first.

We're all in survival mode, right? No? Just me? Okay. :p