Anything Can Happen

by themadgirlinthebluebox

After a fall from grace, Elle Harper is making a comeback. So touring with Big Time Rush who are now in their early 20's seems like the perfect match. She wants to redeem herself and BTR wants a mature audience. But what happens when a certain blonde doesn't want the infamous party girl on tour? As summer heats up will Kendall and Elle grow closer? On the road, anything can happen.

24. Chapter 24

AN: Welcome back Rushers! First I just want to thank you for the reviews and love I got for the last chapter. I was really nervous to post to it but I'm glad you enjoyed it! I appreciate it. Also, I apologize for not updating last week. I wanted to take the time to make this chapter special. This features the second climax of the story. This chapter is longer than the last chapter but there was no way to cut it in half without ruining the flow and I figured a long update would make up for not posting it last week.

This chapter is stylistically a bit different in the sense that there are long flashbacks and perspective changes at one point. I wanted to show all sides of the story and I like how it turned out. Things pick up where chapter 23 ended and follow the next few days. There are scenes at the beginning that could potentially upset some readers so be careful! You'll see the final secrets Elle has been keeping up her sleeve. I hope you enjoy this chapter let me know what your favorite part was.

Thanks!

---

"It looks like troubled pop princess Elle Harper is in the middle of another sex scandal."

Click.

"A big time scandal has rocked the Count Me In Tour. It looks like Kendall Knight has leaked private pictures of Elle Harper."

Click.

"Everyone's wondering how long were they dating?"

Click.

Turning on the TV may not have been the best idea. But the thoughts in my head were too loud and overwhelming and I was desperate for a distraction. I had been back in Los Angeles for a little over an hour. After fighting the press off at the airport and flagging down a cab I had made it back to my apartment. I had spent the five hours drinking alone in first class and trying to make sense of what had happened. It still made zero sense and it felt like a hole had been ripped open in my chest. The lump in my throat made it hard to breathe and my stomach was sick. I came out from throwing up in the bathroom and found my phone. Turning it on made the nauseous feeling worse. It buzzed incessantly, lighting up with notification after notification.

32 calls and 27 texts.

That's how many times Kendall had tried to contact me. There were also texts from the guys and from Liz, but it was the number of voicemails that really got to me. Begrudgingly, I held my phone to my ear.

"Len, it's me. I'm so sorry." Kendall was hoarse like he had been crying. "Please come back, I'm sorry."

The sound of his voice used to make me smile, but right now it filled me with dread. Tears stung my eyes and I let Liz know that I made it back to my apartment in one piece. And then after summoning my courage, I opened my social media. My name was the number one trend and the screenshot of Kendall's post had been shared nearly half a million times. The words still felt like a knife in the chest when I read them.

That moment when she's bitter you just fucked her as a joke.

It didn't matter that he had been angry the words still hurt. People had been reacting to the pictures for hours and I couldn't help but read them.

I feel bad her pictures were leaked but she shouldn't have come between Kendall and Jo.

Maybe you shouldn't fuck guys with girlfriends... #justsaying

So much for a new image.

All I could do was cry as I read through all the tweets that blamed me for everything. They called me a slut, said once a whore always a whore, and said my comeback was over. I clicked on the video someone had filmed of us backstage. It was shaky at first but then stabilized. We were shouting about Jo before Kendall rolled his eyes at me.

"Move!" Kendall's jaw was clenched and even onscreen I could see how upset he was.

"No! I'm not done talking about this! I won't be treated like shit, especially when you're wrong. You're a coward."

That's when it happened. I saw his anger boil over and the fear on my face as he shoved me. I winced when I watched myself get shoved into the wall.

"You're nothing. Just do everyone a favor and-"

I closed out of the video, I didn't want to hear him say it again. The panic had set in and I sobbed. How could he say that to me, how could he do that to me? Each sob I let out was shaky and all I could hear were the words he had hissed at me. He said I was nothing, that I should kill myself. My eyes were glued to my phone as I read one tweet after the next.

She's so pathetic, maybe if she kept her clothes on Jett and Kendall wouldn't have done that.

Elle should just stop trying...

#Eleawhore is back you guys.

There were positive tweets from my fans saying that Kendall shouldn't have reacted like that, that it wasn't my fault. But they were buried under all the negativity. I was fully panicked now, my pulse pounded in my ears, my mouth was dry and my head was swimming. I gripped the sides of my head as my knees buckled. I was a laughing stock, I was worthless and everyone knew it. The noise in my head wouldn't stop and it was debilitating.

"How could he do this?" I gasped to myself. "How could he do this?"

Every moment we had shared played on a loop. The first time he had kissed me in the dressing room and how confusing it had been. The way I had fallen asleep on his shoulder in the back lounge of the bus. Our first real kiss in the music store, I could still feel how Kendall had been shaking. And of course, the way he had made me feel safe enough to sleep with him. The smell of his soap and his cigarettes were burned into my memory. But the shame that coursed through my veins overrode all of this. All of the sweet moments we shared were overshadowed by the pictures he had shared, how my ears buzzed when he shouted at me, how he pushed me to the ground.

I just wanted it to stop.

My body was on autopilot as I staggered into my bathroom. When I saw myself in the mirror it was all too familiar. My skin was clammy, my brown eyes were bloodshot and tears stained my face. I was hollow, just like I had been after the Jett incident. And just like the aftermath of the Jett incident I opened the cabinet and found the long-forgotten bottle and metal tucked behind my face wash and toothpaste. I was already drunk but I pulled the vodka from my nearly empty fridge. My heart was erratic as I pried off the lid of both bottles once I was safely locked away in my bedroom.

"I a-always fuck it up. Everything's ruined." I whimpered as I was wracked with sobs as I pressed into my arms. "There's n-no point."

All my focus was on the unbridled panic in my brain. It was deafening and it felt like my head would simply explode. I couldn't trust Kendall, I couldn't trust anyone. Everything was a lie. I drank deeply, choking down the mouthful of vodka and pills. I had already been decently drunk when I got home but this felt better. The blood was sticky as it trailed down my arms. But it didn't stop me from slicing line after line into my skin. Distantly, I thought about it would stain my bedding but then it realized it didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. This was better.

"It's gonna be okay, it's all okay." I hummed to myself. "Breathe."

It wasn't long before my eyes started to feel heavy. I had been looking at my notifications as I waited for things to kick in. It only reassured me of my decision especially when I saw Kendall's tweet once again.

"Fucked her as a joke," I said bitterly. "I'm a fucking joke."

My stomach ached and I ignored all the texts he had sent me so I could send him one.

I did everyone a favor.

His reply was instant but I didn't see it because I finally laid down. My phone vibrated frantically with texts and calls. The dark room was lit up by the screen, one call after the next. But for me, everything faded to black.

---

16 Months Ago

"I'm c-coming."

My body ached and I hissed in pain as I stood up. I shuffled to the door and when I opened it my stomach sank. He was leaning against the doorframe and winced at the sight of me.

"Damn baby, what happened to your face?"

It had been a few days since I had been attacked by Jett. My body was sore and my face was covered with ugly bruises and scratches. My mind was groggy, I hadn't been able to fall asleep. Sleeping pills were the only way I could still function. Jett didn't seem concerned by any of this.

I blinked at him in disbelief as he walked past me into my apartment. "You held onto my face so I couldn't scream."

Jett scoffed at this before pressing a quick kiss to my lips. "I don't remember, are you sure you didn't run into a door or something?"

"Did I run into a-? You're unbelievable." I was so appalled I could barely speak as he sat on my couch and made himself at home. "You drugged me."

"You seemed like you were having a good time." He pulled me down next to him. "You were into it."

I folded my arms over my chest and sniffed. "I was into it? Was that before or after I begged you to stop?"

"You liked it, you wrapped your legs around me." Jett reasoned, his smirk grew as he spoke. "So you got a little roughed up? It's fine."

All I could think of was how heavy his body had been on top of mine. I had wrapped my legs around him to get him to finish faster, so the torture would end. No part of me had been into it. But he was fucking oblivious to that detail. He even chuckled when I flinched at his touch.

"Don't be so jumpy Len." His lips brushed over my ear. "If you wanted me to stop you should have said something."

"I did!" My voice was shrill now. "I shouted for you to stop, to get off of me but you h-held me down."

Jett didn't seem to realize how awful he had been or if he had, he didn't care. "If you say so."

"I can't be with you anymore," I whispered, avoiding his eye. "You need to go."

This prompted him to stand up, he held his hands out. "You're breaking up with me?"

"You raped me, I can't be with you anymore." I was halfway across the living room, ready to throw him out. "It's unforgivable and once I get the police involved-"

This caught his attention. "You fucking wouldn't."

"I am! Liz knows something's wrong. I've been avoiding her so she wouldn't see my face but I'm going to tell her."

He laughed a little like I had told a joke. "No one will believe you, especially when they see how much you wanted it."

"When they see? What are you talking about?"

Jett pulled his phone from his pocket and hummed to himself, he was almost giddy as he showed me. "The guys and I had a little too much fun."

The video was shaky at first but when it came into focus I had to keep my hand over my mouth so I wouldn't be sick. I watched as I struggled against Jett, his hands gripped my arms to my side. He was smiling as he kissed me.

"I don't want to do this." I slurred. "Ow, stop it."

"You want this, you want this right now, you love me."

I was horrified as I watched him grip my face and tear my dress. Jett sped up the video and he nodded at the screen. Now my legs were wrapped around him, my hands were in his hair.

"I fucking love you." He muttered.

"I love you too." My voice was soft and I couldn't hear what I said after that.

Jett waved his phone in front of my face. "That's what people are going to see, how much you wanted me."

"I-I didn't want you." I was in tears. "I did that so you'd stop. W-Why did you film that?"

He put his hand on my waist. "Because I always wanted a video of us. Just like you wanted me, you wrapped your legs around me and let me do that, you love me."

I took a large step back and shoved him. "Y-You're a monster. How could you do this to me?"

"You embarrassed me when I overdosed. You called an ambulance, do you have any idea what that could have done to my reputation?"

Just a few weeks ago, Jett had taken too many of his antidepressants. He had gotten really sick so I had called 911. He had been livid about it even though the press hadn't paid much attention to it. This had all been some kind of twisted revenge, I shook my head as tears burned in my eyes.

"I thought you were going to die and then you cheated on me. This isn't my fault!"

"I loved you, you know that? But I can't risk my reputation."

"So you're going to ruin mine? You're in the video too."

He shrugged. "People already think you're slutty because of your music. And everyone knows guys never get slut shamed."

"I can't believe you."

"Look at it this way, everyone has a sex tape." He smiled at me but his voice was threatening. "Don't go to the police and you won't have this problem."

I was in shock and could only sputter. This was a nightmare, I blinked, hoping I would wake up. But Jett was still there, looking too proud of himself. He leaned in and kissed me.

"See ya, Eleanor."

It wasn't until a few days later that I made up my mind. I was out of LA, in Vegas filming a new music video. I was finally brave enough to text him. Liz had been disgusted when I told her the truth and encouraged me to stand up for myself.

I don't care, I told Liz. You can't do this to a person.

It took him a while to reply but when he did I almost collapsed.

You might want to rethink that, babe.

There was a link and when I clicked it, it took me to a website. A gossip blog had just published the video. The title made me dizzy.

Pop Princess Elle Harper's Sex Tape

And there it was, Jett raping me on the sink. The video started with me telling Jett I loved him. I watched as it looked like we were a normal couple having sex. He hadn't included the part where I begged him to get off of me. My knees buckled and I fell back onto the couch. The video had already been picked up by bigger websites like E News, Backstage Access, and TMZ. Liz texted me, saying to ignore the press. But of course, I turned on the TV to E News.

"And we have breaking news about everyone's favorite wild child Elle Harper. It looks like she and boyfriend Jett Stetson made a sex tape"

There was a thumbnail from the video behind the two hosts' head. "The video has been shared countless times already and some are calling for Elle's label to drop her. This isn't the first scandal for the young star who has already been the target of parents for her raunchy lyrics."

Tears streamed down my face as I became obsessed with the coverage. My face and name were everywhere. On social media, my follower count was dropping dramatically and nasty messages rolled in.

Elle Harper is a bad influence to young girls everywhere. Her label needs to drop her and stop pushing this oversexed crap on our kids.

That bitch doesn't deserve pity all her songs are about her getting fucked anyway.

Omg I hope Jett doesn't get fired for this. It's all her fault.

My body trembled with violent sobs and I was shaking as I paced around my hotel room. My head was a mess of panic, anger, and despair. I needed to make it stop, everyone was looking at my rape, everyone saw I had been violated but thought it was my fault. My legs were shaky as I locked the door and climbed into the bathtub. The water was hot. But the liquor I used to swallow the pills was cold. I was still sobbing as the water slowly turned pink from where my arms were bleeding. I could hear the frantic footsteps coming from outside the door.

"Elle! Elle are you in there?"

It was Liz, she sounded worried but I was crying too much to respond. My life was ruined, there was no way I'd be able to come forward now. No one would believe me, it felt like I was living in a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from. Especially now as my eyelids grew heavy.

"Elle please let me in! It's all going to be okay."

But it wasn't. Nothing would ever be okay again.

---

When I opened my eyes the first thought I had was that I'd rather be asleep. It had been four days since I had left New York, since I had tried to overdose, since Kendall had exposed me. Much of it was a haze but unfortunately, dreams and flashbacks to the early days of the Jett Incident were crystal clear. I had spent the past three days drifting in and out of sleep. Part of me was grateful I didn't die but a bigger part wished I hadn't woken up. I had spent the better part of a day in the hospital under the care of a doctor. I was now being watched by Liz. I was grateful for her, she had convinced the doctor that a three-day stay was unnecessary. Especially when my personal doctor was on standby. This had saved me from the media finding out I had tried to kill myself once again and I could wallow in private. Well, as private as things could be with Liz poking her head in every three minutes.

"Are you okay?"

I sat up and groaned. "I wasn't when you asked three minutes ago and I'm not now."

"Dr. Campbell wants me to check. Just because you had your 72-hour watch at home doesn't mean I'm not worried."

"I didn't even die. It's fine."

Liz sat at the edge of my bed, she looked exhausted. "The paramedics found you unconscious and in your own vomit."

"Don't remind me," I muttered. "I fucked that up too."

Apparently, my text to Kendall had caused Liz to frantically call the police department in Los Angeles. The doctor that treated me in the ER said I had made it just in time. I heard all of this secondhand from Liz. I had been unconscious for several hours, even after Liz had flown back west. When I woke up she had been by my side. Even with all the self-pity I felt from the Kendall Incident, I still felt guilty. Liz had been in tears when I finally came to, she never cried. After that, she had insisted I be taken care of at home so the scandal wasn't even worse. Today marked the first day my doctor wasn't here.

"I'm so glad you're okay."

"That makes you the only one."

"You know that's not true." She rubbed my arm, avoiding my stitches. "The fans are worried about you, the guys are and so is the label. We're all so glad you're safe."

Per the doctor's instructions, I wasn't allowed to look at social media. But I managed to find my phone in Liz's bag when she stepped out to talk to the hospital staff. Logan, Carlos, and James had texted respectively. Even in my drugged out haze, I remembered a few texts.

Please, please, please don't hurt yourself. I care so much about you.

Fuck Elle, don't do anything stupid. Everything's going to be okay. We love you so much.

I know you're sad and scared but just breathe. Don't do this, you're loved.

Kendall had texted several times after I told him I was doing everyone a favor.

Wait, what?

Holy shit, please don't hurt yourself baby.

I'm coming out there, just hold on. Please?

His next text had come awhile later. I had probably been in the hospital by then.

Please don't be dead. I'm so fucking sorry.

Logan had texted me too.

Hey Elle, we're all so worried about you. I hope you're okay and don't worry we won't let him come out there. The guys and I love you. Please take care of yourself.

This had brought tears to my eyes then and now. Having friends like them meant the world to me, part of me even missed them. Liz noticed my expression because she squeezed my hand.

"It's going to be okay."

I rolled back over onto my side. "If you say so."

When the Jett Incident had happened I thought I had hit rock bottom. I was certain that that was lowest someone could feel. I thought I knew what it felt like to be broken. But I was barely holding on. Every moment was painful. I wanted to shut down and turn off every emotion I had ever felt. I wanted to erase every moment I shared with Kendall. Part of me was still trying to put all the pieces together. Now that I had been sober for a few days I was able to gather my thoughts. And things were slowly making sense.

When we had been in Orlando Kendall had freaked out over the fact the Jett had spoken to me in the hallway. He had basically interrogated me over what was said.

"What did he say to you? Did he see us come out of the bathroom, did he say anything about us?"

At the time I thought he had been worried about my safety and my career. In hindsight, I realized he had been worried about me finding out it was a bet and about Jo finding out he was cheating. The bet also explained why the two of them had talked later that night at the after party. Jett had been smug and laughing and Kendall looked pissed. I wondered if Jett had asked how the bet was going. But some things still didn't make sense, like how in New York, after the award show, he and Jett had an intense conversation. Kendall had said he defended me, that Jett was an idiot. If he hated Jett so much why did he make that bet?

"God, my head is killing me." All the thoughts made my head pound. "I take it I can't have an aspirin?"

Liz shook her head. "Not yet."

"None of this makes any sense. If it was all a bet why did he go through so much effort to make me hate him at first?"

"I think he didn't want to get close enough to know you. I'm on your side of course, but I saw the way he looked at you."

I sat up and picked at my blanket. "He had all of us fooled."

The next two days were a little bit better. It had been six days since I left the tour and the overwhelming despair and numbness I had felt eased a bit. I had been chain smoking which helped a little. And I had managed to convince Liz that I was stable enough to have my phone and that I could be alone. This didn't stop her from hanging out in my living room at night. But from the comfort of my bed, I finally got to see what was being said about me. The negative tweets had been replaced with mostly positive ones.

I hope Elle's okay. I'm worried about her.

Dear Elle, stay strong, we love you and you'll get through this!

The Elleanators and Rushers are by your side!

There were several thousand tweets just like these. My name was still trending but this time it was #StayStrongElle. The pictures Kendall had shared had been mostly removed from Twitter. And the media had taken a more sympathetic approach, I watched the videos on my phone so Liz wouldn't hear.

"Elle Harper is still holed up in her LA apartment following the shocking news that she and Kendall Knight were sleeping together. Elle's team has released a statement that the pop star is doing better and asked that her privacy is respected at this time. The star was briefly hospitalized for unknown reasons but was released the same day. She hasn't been seen since leaving New York City where she was opening up for Big Time Rush." The host reported. "Meanwhile Knight's team has said Kendall regrets his actions and that both his and BTR's thoughts are with their tourmate. Kendall's been facing a lot of backlash for sharing Elle's private photos and for shoving her."

That's something else that had changed in the six days I had been away from the news. The video of Kendall pushing me had gone viral and there was plenty of outrage. Kendall had posted a few times.

I'm so sorry.

I can't breathe without you. I can't sleep without you.

Violence is never the answer, I'll never put my hands on a woman again.

Don't be rude to her, be rude to me. I'm the one who messed up, I treated someone so talented and amazing as a joke. She'll never understand how sorry I am or the love I have for her.

He included the phone number for a suicide prevention line which stirred up some rumors that I had tried to kill myself. Over text, he was much more outspoken. He kept saying he was sorry and that he missed me. Every hour or so he'd send long texts saying he wished he could take everything back. But of course, he couldn't. All of the texts and calls made me sick to my stomach. Both literally and figuratively.

"Shit, not again."

I managed to make it to the toilet just in time to empty my stomach. This had happened a few times since I had been home, I wondered how much damage I had done to myself to still be getting sick. Part of me wanted to curl up on this floor and die. I had no tears left to cry but I was still devastated. Of course, there were no pills or other 'dangerous' objects in my apartment. But maybe I'd dehydrate if I kept getting sick. I was leaning against the cool tub when Liz's voice made me jump.

"Are you okay?"

"I don't have hidden alcohol if that's what you're asking."

She shook her head. "No, you've just been sick a lot."

I climbed to my feet and rolled my eyes. "That's what happens when you try to poison yourself."

"You need to eat and we need to figure out what our plan is."

I waved off the idea of food. "I'm not hungry."

Liz frowned at this and was apprehensive. "You guys were safe right?"

Her comment confused me and for a minute I stared blankly. Then I realized what she was saying.

"Of course we were safe." I scoffed and folded my arms. "I mean I'm on the pill."

"What about condoms? I found your birth control left out all tour. You may have missed a few."

For the first time in days, I laughed. "You're not suggesting that I was dumb enough to get pregnant are you?"

"I'm not suggesting anything that isn't possible." She was cautious. "I just know that you've been sick a lot and even before you came back home."

We were both quiet because I knew she was right. I chewed on my thumbnail and thought about how we hadn't used one a couple of times. We hadn't in South Carolina, or on the counter of the bus in DC or in Philly after I debuted Body Say. The thought made me sway and I held onto the sink.

"Fuck. I mean, I missed a few doses." I was growing anxious now. "B-But everyone misses a few. I get sick when I'm s-stressed you know that. I've been stressed with the album and everything."

Liz was clearheaded and put her hands on my shoulders. "You need to breathe. I'll pick up a test and you look for your pills. Maybe you didn't miss as many as you thought you did. Can I leave you alone?"

"Yes, just g-go." I ran a hand through my hair. "It can't be like last time, it absolutely cannot be like last time."

"It won't, we'll make sure it's not like last time. There won't be a story, it won't be as traumatic."

Once Liz was gone I let myself fully panic. The fact that we hadn't been completely safe had been the furthest thing from my mind. So many other things had been going on that it didn't occur to me once. But Liz had made a fair point, I had been sick a lot. And even though the doctor had said I could be ill for a few days due to the detox medication, I had been sick before my overdose. When I found my pills my suspicions had been reconfirmed. I had missed a total of five doses here and there, it was just enough that I could have been at risk.

It would be just my luck to be fucked as a bet, have my nudes leaked and get pregnant. It felt like an eternity had passed when Liz finally came back into the bathroom. She pulled the two boxes from her purse. My hands were cold and shaky as I took them from her. The past few days had been an awful sequel to the Jett Incident and this was no exception. From the betrayal, the leaked pictures and video, the suicide attempt and now this.

"I'll be outside." She rubbed my shoulder. "No matter what, it's going to be okay."

I locked the door behind me and after taking both tests my mind wandered back to the last time this had happened.

---

15 Months Ago

"Elle! We're heading out in a half hour please be ready!" I was too scared to say anything at first but the doorknob rattled. "Did you hear me?"

I turned to look over my shoulder. "Y-Yeah, I'm coming."

It had been a month and a half since what Liz and I were calling the Jett Incident had happened. I was having trouble sleeping, my tour had been canceled and it seemed like the whole world was against me. Jett had come out relatively unscathed by everything. But here I was, still dealing with the repercussions. I was going to a meeting with the label to figure out how to proceed with everything. But right now, it felt like time had stopped.

"N-No." I whimpered. "Oh god, no."

My hands were cold and my heart was in my throat as I stared down at the test. My worst fears had been confirmed. Not only did Jett Stetson manage to assault me, he had also gotten me pregnant. I had been feeling horribly sick for a few weeks and my breasts were sore. I thought it was from the drugs and my period coming but it had never arrived. Just the thought of the word was enough to make my stomach turn. But then I realized part of it probably had to do with the fact that I was pregnant. I pressed my hand to my stomach and for a moment I had an image in my head.

I saw myself holding a baby boy. His skin was a lighter shade of brown than mine and he looked just like Jett. And then all I could feel was Jett's body on top of mine, how rough his hands had been. I breathed in deeply through my mouth as I held onto my stomach. It was probably just my imagination but I felt bloated. Tears streaked down my face.

"This c-can't be happening."

But things were over before they really began. Just two weeks later I was doubled over as cramps cut through me. Blood stained my legs. I found myself back in the emergency room, but instead of trying to kill myself it felt like my organs were going to fall out of my body. I groaned and lifted my head off the pillow to see what was happening. The sight of blood made me dizzy so I stared at the ceiling. It wasn't until I had been thoroughly poked and prodded that I was finally given an answer. I already knew what had happened.

"I'm sorry but you've lost the pregnancy. These things are common and it's not your fault. It was a combination of stress, dehydration, and other factors. I know it may be a shock-"

"It's n-not. And I know that sounds terrible but it was eating me alive." My voice was a low whisper. "It fucking hurts."

The doctor was taken aback but promised to get me something for the pain. As I laid there I cried for a moment. I hadn't planned on having it in the first place, the last two weeks had been hell. Between the morning sickness and seeing that my body had just begun to soften, I had been a wreck. My only thought had been that Jett was still inside of me. It was like the rape had just happened every time I got sick or my stomach ached. But it was still a troubling experience.

"He broke me, he b-broke me." I cried to myself. "Everything he touches is ruined."

It was true. Everything Jett had touched was tainted. He touched me and my career was in shambles as more and more fans and parents boycotted me. He touched me and I got pregnant. He had managed to put his baby inside me and now my body was broken and bleeding. I was alone and there was no one I could call. My friends were gone because I was a 'liability'. Liz was out fending off the press that had caught wind of my hospital visit and I had no boyfriend for obvious reasons. I was isolated behind a blue curtain as I continued to feel my body cramp.

A Baby For Elle?

Exposed, Alone and Pregnant?

Elle Holds onto Baby Bump as She Leaves Hospital!

Those were just some of the headlines that had come out in the days since I miscarried. Despite Liz's best effort, the paparazzi had seen me being wheeled out of the hospital clutching my bloated stomach. I couldn't say I blamed them, my face and belly were puffy from the fluids they had given me and the way I held my stomach did me no favors. All the articles said the same thing.

"Just weeks after her wild night with Jett in the bathroom of a nightclub, it looks like Elle may be expecting. The scandalized singer was seen leaving the hospital with a hand on her belly which looked rounder than normal. It's safe to assume Jett Stetson is the father. But reports say the two have split since their sex tape leaked. All of this makes us wonder will Jelle get back together to raise their baby? We're just glad Elle wasn't hospitalized for a second suicide attempt."

The magazines weren't the only ones to wonder what the current state of my body was. It was less than three days since I had been home from the hospital when there was a pounding at my door. I winced as I opened it. Jett charged in, looking panicked and strung out. He had a rolled up magazine in his hand.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I demanded. "I told you I never wanted to see you again."

"DidIgetyoupregnant?"

His words were rushed together and I was confused and sleepy from the pain medication. "Huh?"

He shoved the magazine into my face. "Did I get you pregnant? Everyone's saying you are."

"I don't know did you use a condom when you raped me?"

Jett scrunched his face and rubbed his forehead. "Shit, Elle. I was so fucked up I don't remember."

"So was I because you drugged me and then took advantage of me."

This got under his skin because he rolled his eyes and gripped my arm. "Jesus, did I get you pregnant or not?"

"Y-Yeah." I murmured as my hand went to my stomach. "You did but-."

Jett cut me off and pulled me closer. "You're fucking with me."

I winced at the pain that came from being jostled. "Ow, shit."

This seemed to be enough for Jett because he yanked my shirt up and shook his head. I was still a tad bloated from the fluids and medication so it must have been a surprise. Not that I was worried about him, he shouldn't have raped me.

"Fuck, you are, aren't you?" He clutched my shirt and shook his head. "Y-You, you've gotta get rid of it. I can't be a dad."

"Don't touch me." I pushed him away and wrapped my arms around myself. "You don't get to touch me."

He paused for a brief moment, I could see him debating with himself. His hand shot out to squeeze my face, his nails were breaking the skin. He bashed my head against the wall. I cried out in pain and squirmed as he pinned me down.

"Get rid of it. I'm not joking."

Panic coursed through my veins and I was overcome with tears. "G-Get off of me!"

"It's not my fault you got knocked up." His tone was threatening. He jabbed his finger into my belly."And this sure as hell isn't my problem."

"Yes it i-is. You drugged me and forced yourself on me."

Jett was fuming, his blue eyes were bright with anger. "You're a liar."

"I-I lost it. That's why I was at the hospital. I lost it from the stress of you raping me and sharing the video of it with the world." I hissed at him as I pried his hand from my face. "So congratulations, there's no proof left."

This took him by surprise because he was still for a moment. "Good. But I didn't rape you, you were too drunk. Get over it."

Tears streaked down my face. I hadn't seen him seen I broke up with him so my emotions had been bottled up. "Yes, you did. I tried to kill myself because of what you did. I drank so much and was so stressed that my body actually broke. I wasn't keeping it I would never want any part of you inside of me. I can't just get over it because it's on my mind all day."

He simply shrugged, his anger was lessened. "Well, we'd be shit parents anyways. I'm glad I'm not stuck with you."

"Fuck you. I never want to see you again."

"Fine by me." He wrenched the door open and looked over his shoulder. "Too bad you didn't just die. We'd all be better off."

---

Even a year and a half later Jett's cruelty was enough to make me shiver. The next time I saw him was backstage at the very first show of the tour. He had said he was glad I didn't ruin my body. It was like he forgot about the fact that I lost it and that he had threatened me. There was still a minute or two left on both test and I struggled to my feet. I tugged my shirt up and pressed my hand to my middle. It wasn't bloated but I felt sick. My belly had just started to stick out when I had miscarried. As I stared at my reflection I knew I wouldn't keep it if I was pregnant. Not only did a baby need two parents that would care for it but I refused to let anyone be able to change my body. The few weeks I had known about my pregnancy had been torture last time. My body had no longer been my own. And of course, I wanted nothing to do with Kendall. Not him or his offspring. But an intrusive thought popped into my head.

For a brief moment, all I could picture was me at nine months pregnant. Kendall rested his hands on my swollen tummy and had a smile on his face. Above us, there was a sign. But instead of "It's a girl" or "It's a boy" it read "It's a bet".

"God no." I shuddered. "He would probably treat this as a bet too."

I ran my hand over my face and peeked through my fingers at the two tests. I instantly let out a loud sob when I saw them. My head spun and I held onto the sink when my knees gave out.

"Oh god." I breathed. "Oh my god."

They were both negative. It was clear as day. I wasn't pregnant. I wasn't harboring a parasite. Things were still terrible but I would take this small victory. I wouldn't be linked to Kendall anymore than I already had been. I opened the door and found Liz pacing. She looked as stressed as I felt.

"We're good." I announced. "The universe owed me that much."

The tension visibly lifted from my manager's shoulders. "Oh thank god."

"There was a bug going around on tour, Logan had been sick too. And I guess the rest of it was from trying to poison myself."

"That's not funny." She chided. "But I'm glad you don't have to deal with that situation again."

I climbed onto one of the barstools in my kitchen. "All of this is basically a repeat of the Jett Incident."

"But you got through that and you'll get through this even if I have to drag you myself. What can I do, what do you need?"

I gave Liz a half-hearted shrug. The only thing I could think of was a time machine so I could stop myself from ever falling for Kendall. If only I hadn't let him into my hotel that night in Texas. If only I hadn't played the game with him. And I never should have trusted that stupid smile. This was impossible though so I just sighed and shook my head.

"I know we need to make a game plan. I know I've missed a week of tour but two of the days were days off." My fingers anxiously drummed against the countertop. "I-I just don't know if I can face him yet or the world. I'm still so fucking embarrassed."

The media and the fans had all seemed to be on my side for once. But that didn't negate the fact that I had been exposed like that. It had taken me a long time to trust Kendall enough to take those pictures let alone sleep with him. Kendall had erased all the progress in mere moments. It was traumatic and I wasn't sure that I wanted anyone to see me. Being hidden away in my apartment had been comforting. Here, no paparazzi could shout questions at me, no haters could slut shame me or blame me for breaking up Jo and Kendall. And best of all, Kendall was on the other side of the country. I felt safe here, I had even managed to write a few lyrics. Liz had taken all the alcohol so my head had been clear for days.

"Well." Liz began tentatively, "I know you didn't do it for this reason but those pictures you shared helped to soften things."

This was true, those photos I had shared of Kendall and I had gone just as viral. And for a lot of fans, it confirmed what they had thought all summer. Even now as I looked through my mentions people were still talking about the pictures.

That doesn't seem like a joke to me.

I was right! #Kendelle was real, look at how cute they are. Too bad Kendall fucked it up.

I'm confused. Kendall really looked like he was falling in love with Elle and these pictures make it seem like they were a couple. How could he play her like that?

"I just wanted everyone to see there had been more to it than what Kendall posted. Not that it matters now."

She let out a breath and squeezed my hand. "What do you want me to do?"

The question of what my next move would be had been on my mind for a few days. Apparently, Gustavo would still have me on tour if I wanted to come back. I hadn't spoken to the guys but they had texted me saying they'd support me regardless of my choice. Kat's Crew, the original band that sang on I Know You Know had been filling in as the opening act. I felt guilty that my fans had bought tickets to see me were missing out. But I wasn't sure if I could face a crowd right now. But that being said, they supported me this time around. I groaned and rubbed my fists into my eyes.

"Uh, just tell Gustavo I need a few more days. It's not that I don't want to finish the tour but I'd have to see Kendall."

"You don't have to worry about that. If you want to go back to the tour I will make sure you never have to see him. We'll cut the duet, the songs you sing with Big Time Rush and I'll personally make sure he doesn't speak to you."

My smile was small but thankful. "What would I do without you?"

"I don't know but good thing you don't have to worry about that." She hugged me around the shoulders. "Now, I'm going to the label to talk with Dani about how to move forward. Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine, thank you. Tell Dani I said hi."

She promised she would and the door swung shut behind her. Having Dani and Liz on my side made things feel a little better. Danielle Condor was the head of my label, Condor Records. During the Jett Incident, she had pushed back against everyone who wanted me to be kicked off the label. Having two incredible women in my corner made me feel at ease. Now that Liz was gone I was free to wallow as much as I wanted. I got up from the counter and wandered into the living room. Liz had been keeping me away from the TV so I wouldn't see the news. But now, I switched it on and turned up the volume.

"Welcome to Backstage Access Live. We are now on day six of The Elle Exposure Scandal. There is still no word from Elle Harper's team about when or if she'll be returning to the Count Me In Tour. Their message remains the same that the star is devastated and asks for privacy at this time. It was six days ago that Kendall Knight, her tourmate, and rumored beau, leaked nudes of Elle after she tweeted about his relationship with Jo Taylor. Elle tweets confirmed some fans suspicions that two were seeing each other. Especially when combined with the fact that Jo Taylor had come to visit Kendall in New York, the two had been spotted at breakfast and then Jo was seen at the airport. This all prompted Kendall to claim he only had sex with the singer as a joke and he shared her private pictures in retaliation."

Luckily the news only showed Kendall's tweet. It still made my stomach drop It made no sense that he had fucked me as a joke. It had all seemed so real, he had made me feel special and safe but it was all a lie. I sucked in a breath and blinked a few times.

"A video from their fight backstage also surfaced, it shows Kendall shoving Elle and telling her she should 'do everyone a favor' by ending her life. This has caused outrage among Rushers and Elleanators alike. Kendall has lost hundreds of thousands of followers across all social media. The band canceled all their interviews for the past week but on stage the tension was clear. Logan, James, and Carlos seemed to keep their distance from their friend who seemed to be simply going through the motions. At one point during their third show since Elle left Knight appeared to be in tears and was sporting a swollen lip. Take a look."

The news switched to a video of the guys onstage. Seeing Kendall made my heart ache and tears welled up in my eyes. I hadn't seen him since I left and it was a shock. One of his eyes was bruised and puffy and his lip was split. He had cut above his eyebrow and he seemed drawn and exhausted. He was further away from his friends and staring into space. It was awkward even from here. I wondered which one of them had punched him. He stumbled around the stage and was a whole beat behind when dancing. They were singing No Idea and for a brief moment, I was sad when I saw Kendall take a deep breath. He hastily wiped at his face and his voice was shaking.

"She has no i-idea I'm standing here."

At one point the fan who had filmed the video spoke. "Why is he crying? He's the one who was rude."

"Thank you random fan," I muttered. "It's true."

The screen went back to the reporter. "Our cameras caught up with Big Time Rush as they were leaving a restaurant in Boston earlier today. Kendall seemed out of sorts and troubled from the few comments he gave."

Suddenly, there were tons of flashes and cameras on screen. The guys were crowded and their security pushed through the paparazzi. Kendall had his hood up over his face but I could see just how bruised his eye was. His good eye was bloodshot and he looked pale.

"Kendall! Why did you leak the nudes?"

"Kendall, why did you tell Elle to kill herself? Were you ever dating?"

"Piss off." He spat and the video blurred out his middle finger. "You don't know anything about what happened."

He looked furious and I recognized the anger in his eyes all too well. Hearing his voice was jarring. I hadn't listened to any of his voicemails or answered his calls. He seemed sad and a little drunk even though the video had been filmed in the morning. It was ironic when I stopped to really think about it. One of Kendall's big concerns about me joining the tour is that I'd drive the fans away and cause drama. But Kendall had been the one to do that in the end. All the bad press he had wanted to avoid, he brought on himself.

"Do you regret what you did?"

Kendall narrowed his eyes. "I want to die."

His words were like a punch in the stomach. I hadn't expected him to be so dark about it all. A minor part of me was worried but a larger part didn't care. He had been awful to me. He didn't give a shit about my feelings when he embarrassed me or told me to do everyone a favor. The news host picked up on this comment because a still from the video backstage was put next to the quote of Kendall saying he wanted to die.

"What I'm wondering is are Kendall and Elle driving each other to the brink? We saw Kendall tell her she should end her own life, we know she was hospitalized even if for a brief period, and just now Kendall said he wanted to die. He also tweeted the number to a prevention line. I just hope for everyone's sake that these two aren't star-crossed lovers who escalate things. Hopefully, there's a happy ending for all involved."

I rolled my eyes at how dramatic the host was being. I had wanted to die when the news first broke, I still kind of wished I hadn't woken up. And Kendall may have been sad but I doubted it would go that far. This wasn't a love story, it was a goddamn tragedy. There wouldn't be a happy ending. There was no way any of this could be fixed.

---

Kendall

"What I'm wondering is are Kendall and Elle driving each other to the brink? We saw Kendall tell her she should end her own life, we know she was hospitalized and just now Kendall said he wanted to die. He also tweeted the number to a prevention line. I just hope for everyone's sake that these two aren't star-crossed lovers who escalate things. Hopefully, there's a happy ending for-"

"Yeah, right." Kendall scoffed as he closed his laptop. "There won't be a happy ending."

It had been six days, eight hours and about fifteen minutes since Elle had left the tour. And instead of going after her to apologize, he had spent his time crisscrossing the Northeast. To make things worse, the press refused to focus on something else. Each new venue he and the guys arrived at was surrounded by cameras and paparazzi. Even when he thought he could slip out unseen they still found him. That's what had happened this morning as everyone was leaving from getting breakfast. Cameras had been shoved in his face and he was shouted at. The questions had been straight to the point.

He had leaked the nudes because he had been angry at Elle. And because he was an idiot but that was beside the point.

He had told her to kill herself because, as previously noted, he was an idiot.

And if they had been dating, Kendall liked to think so. They had grown so close in such a short amount of time.

And did he regret what happened?

The guilt was enough to make him want to die. He wasn't being cheeky when he said that. He meant all four words of his answer. He exposed Elle's private pictures, something she had trusted him with. He told her to kill herself which was disgusting. And worst of all, he embarrassed her by saying he fucked her as a joke. He knew she had been nervous about having sex, he knew she hadn't ended thing with Jett on the best terms. He knew this. He had even watched her have a panic attack over him the day before everything went to shit. But that didn't stop him from saying he fucked her as a joke and admitting that it originally had been a bet posed to him by Jett.

So, of course, Kendall regretted what he did.

He regretted it more than anything he had ever done in life. The guilt weighed so heavily on him he thought he might collapse under the weight of it. There was a hollow ache in the dead center of his chest, it was gnawing and made him sick to his stomach. The only ways to remedy it were to get so drunk the room spun, smoke until the butt of a cigarette burnt his fingertips, or leave Elle another voicemail full of apologies. Or all three at once. But right now he was meant to be getting notes from Kelly and couldn't drink or smoke and Carlos had taken his phone so he couldn't call. All that left him was to be sad and irritable.

"Kendall."

"What?" He snapped as he turned around.

James rolled his eyes. "We have an interview."

"Just leave me here. It's not going to matter."

Logan was in the doorway too. "It's the first one since New York. We have to fix your mistake."

"I don't feel like it okay? I know I made a mistake I don't need a constant reminder."

"It doesn't matter how you feel about it. Get out here, now."

His friends glared at him as he pushed himself off the couch. He stormed past them and clenched and unclenched his fists. They didn't understand. Since he watched Elle disappear into that taxi he felt empty. He had been connected to her. He had been intertwined and tangled up in her all summer. And now he was untethered and drifting. He felt unbalanced without her by his side.

"Kendall, come here please."

Kelly waved him over, her tone was shorter than it usually was. Even she was judgemental about what he had done. He didn't blame her but it did nothing to help his sour mood.

"This interview is important. It's the first one since New York and we need to get things back on track. The press is still worked up over the video and your tweet. The label's decided the best way to play this is to be apologetic but not desperate. Acknowledge you made a mistake and that you regret but don't beg for forgiveness."

"I want you to be polite and don't place blame on anybody except for yourself. Got it?" Gustavo's booming voice made him jump a bit. He was also upset with him. "We need to salvage this the best we can."

As they spoke to him all Kendall could think of were the countless interviews he had done this summer. He thought of the way his stomach twisted when Elle had said her favorite color was green. The way she would smile when talking about her music made the hole in his chest twinge with pain. During every moment of an interview, all he wanted was to gush about her. He wanted to tell the world how she made everything better. But now he was sitting through one without her. She wasn't there to make a joke, or give him a sneaky grin. He sat further away from his friends, listening to them talk about unimportant shit. He barely even realized he was being spoken to.

"Clearly we need to address who's not in this room." The woman was saying. "Elle left the tour a week ago."

"Six days ago." Kendall corrected dryly. "It's been six days, not a week."

She flushed. "Okay, six days. Have you spoken with her at all?"

I'm doing everyone a favor.

That was the last thing she had said to him. Just thinking about it made Kendall's heart stop and his body go cold. The thought of Elle hurting herself because of what he said to her, what he did to her, made him feel sick. He spoke to her now, but she didn't speak back. He'd leave one voicemail after another and hoped she was listening.

"Uh, no. Not since she left."

"Have you guys spoken to her? Is she coming back?"

James shrugged. "I texted her a few days ago, we all did. But she's clearly taking time for herself, we don't know if she's coming back."

"Yeah." Carlos agreed. "We're all just sending her lots of positive energy and good vibes."

The interviewer nodded and shuffled her notecards. "There's been a lot of speculation about what exactly happened. Can you shed some light on this?"

If Kelly hadn't been standing just behind the camera Kendall would have laughed at how stupid the question was. "She tweeted something I didn't agree with and it caused some drama. I got angry and did something stupid. And before you ask I feel bad about it."

"It seems like there was a lot of anger even after she left." She pointed to his face. "What happened there?"

Behind the camera, in the back of the room, was a mirror. Even from here Kendall could see how swollen his lower lip was, the grotesque bruises around his eye and cheek and the cut on his eyebrow. He could still feel his friends' fists pounding against his face.

"What does it look like?" He sneered, crossing his arms. "I obviously got punched in the face."

She recoiled a bit. "Do you regret what happened?"

"No, I thought I'd do it again. It worked out so well the last time." Kendall couldn't bring himself to be polite. His hands shook and he needed a cigarette almost as much as he needed to hear Elle's voice. "No shit, I regret it."

"Dude, chill out." Logan elbowed him in the ribs. "Don't be rude."

"She shared a few photos of the two of you. It looked like you were pretty close to her. Did you really mean that it was all a joke? And if so, why would you string her along like that? Fans have been calling you 'a monster' 'a pig' and 'disgusting'. Several people and organizations have been critical of you sharing her pictures and shoving her. Your tweets from the past few days seem like you have feelings for her. My question for you is, did you ever care for her?"

Kendall stared at the woman for a moment. He had seen what people were saying, he knew that people were pissed at him. There was so much he wanted to say to Elle but was unable to. And of course he cared for her. She was all he cared about, so to be asked that was the final straw. He reached under his and pulled the mic off. He pushed out of his chair so hard it almost tipped over.

"I don't want to talk about that." Kendall's words were tense and full of frustration. "I'm done."

"Kendall!" Kelly protested, trying to stop him as he stomped out of the room. "Stop!"

He wheeled around and was seething. "No! I'm not answering any more stupid questions. Just leave me alone."

With that, he slammed his dressing room door shut. A few tears escaped down his face he was breathing heavily as he helped himself to both liquor and cigarettes. He had one in each hand and stared at the ceiling, willing his mind to focus on anything else. But all he could think of was Elle. The fact that he had been asked if he regretted what he did to her was insulting. From the moment he told her they had just been hooking up and that he was getting back together with Jo he regretted it. When he had stormed off after shoving her to the ground he regretted it. He regretted every single moment of that day.

"Kendall! What the fuck was that?" James demanded as they opened the door. "Did you really just storm out?"

He shrugged as he took another long drink. He hadn't been eating so he had a nice buzz going already. "She was a bitch, I-I wasn't going to sit there and have her ask obvious shit."

James pinched the bridge of his nose and gave a short breath. "Listen, dude, we're trying to help you out after all the shit you've done."

"Could have fooled me."

Carlos took the bottle of liquor from him. "Stop being such an ass. We are really trying but you're acting like a child. You don't get to be sad about any of this. You're the one who lied to your girlfriend and to Elle. You got caught in a lie and overreacted. Elle was allowed to tweet whatever she wanted she had every right to be mad at you. You told her you and Jo were done, you told us that too."

Kendall ran his hand through his hair and groaned. "Jo and I were pretty much done. I thought it was clear to her. But then she showed up and I didn't have a chance to tell her. I know Elle had a right to be pissed, I was rude to her all day. I never should have pushed her or posted those pictures."

"Or tell her to kill herself, or bet on sleeping with her with her ex, or say it was all a joke." Logan rattled off, counting on each finger. "We didn't recognize you that day, you were awful to her. You were a monster."

"Just kick me out of the band if I'm so fucking terrible then!" Kendall shouted as he leaped to his feet. "If you all hate me, kick me out. I don't want to tour with assholes who think they're so much better than me."

Logan shoved him. "We are better than you. James didn't make a bet with her ex that he could fuck her, Carlos didn't post her nudes, and I didn't tell her to kill herself after putting my hands on her that was all you."

Hearing the list of his mistakes made him cringe but he pushed Logan back. "Just kick me out then, prove to me that you have the balls to do it."

"We thought about it," Carlos said through clenched teeth. "We voted on it."

Kendall puffed on his cigarette and rolled his eyes. "Liar."

"No that's you." James was shaking with anger. "We decided not to because then you'd be free to leave the tour and you'd go back to LA and harass Elle and she doesn't need that."

Hearing her name made Kendall suck in a sharp breath. "Fuck. I messed up."

"No shit."

Kendall staggered backward and held onto the arm of the couch. "You don't understand."

"What don't we understand?"

He looked up at his friends, blinking through hot tears. "I want to d-die without her."

The three men looked at each other, sharing a worried but annoyed look. Kendall had been saying it for days and no one seemed to believe him.

"You don't mean that," Logan said quickly.

Kendall felt his chest tighten. "Oh yeah? I don't mean that I'd rather be dead because I hurt her? That the only way I can get rid of this feeling in the pit of my stomach is to blow my brains out? Because I fucking mean it, I want to d-die. I hate myself for doing that to her."

James bit his lip. "You did this to yourself dude. It's hard to be sympathetic."

His friends' cold demeanors made him roll his eyes. He snatched the bottle of alcohol back and lit a new cigarette. He ignored the judgemental looks on their faces, they had been judging him for the past six days anyway.

"I love her. I should have gone after her."

---

Six Days Ago

"No! Get the fuck off of me!" Kendall's voice was hoarse as he struggled. "I have to go! Guys, what the fuck?"

James and Carlos were holding on to either side of Kendall as he tried to break free. Elle had just walked out of the venue, she had quit the tour and was going home. Kendall was having none of this, she couldn't go, not before they fixed things. He had told her that he loved her and it had meant nothing to her.

"You don't get to make this worse for her, you don't get to follow her."

"No! This is not a breach of contract." Liz was shouting at Gustavo. "If you didn't notice he leaked her pictures and put his hands on her! She has every right to leave!"

This distracted his friends long enough for him to make a break for the door. He had stepped outside in time to watch Elle get into a cab. But as quickly as he had made it outside he felt himself being pulled back again.

"Get off of me!" Kendall thrashed side to side and shook them off.

Kendall's heart was in his throat as he tried to open the door. When it was locked he knocked furiously. Elle's dark brown eyes were full of tears and so were Kendall's as he stared at her.

"Len I'm sorry!"

They held each other's gaze as Carlos and Logan pulled him away. The taxi pulled out onto the street and his tears mingled with the rain that fell. He watched as she peered through the back window as she was whisked away. Heartbreak was written all over her face. That was enough to make him turn around and race back inside. He was fully crying now, it was ugly and rough. He pulled at his hair as he cried, trying not to be completely overwhelmed with panic. He was in his dressing room now, shoving things into his backpack. He had to go, he had to stop her from leaving.

"What are you doing?" Logan demanded.

"I h-have to go." Kendall huffed while he crammed his phone and passport into his bag. "I have to stop her."

Carlos shook his head. "No, you're not. She said no to come after her. Clearly, she doesn't want to see you."

Kendall's hand shook as he zipped his bag shut. "I-I have to fix it. I f-fucked up."

"You leaked her pictures, bet on her, and fucking pushed her." James listed off. "There's no fixing this dude."

The panic and shame Kendall felt were overwhelming. "I-I didn't mean to. She posted that tweet and I-I was pissed. She shouldn't have-"

"Oh no! You don't get to blame this on her." Logan's face was a bright shade of red. "There is zero justifying what you just did."

"Fuck, I know. I just-"

"You hurt her and bet on her after we all told you it was stupid." Carlos shoved him a bit.

"And you lied to her about Jo. Of course, she was pissed at you. You told her you weren't with Jo."

Kendall avoided their eye. "I k-know. Jo thought it was a break and I thought we were done. You guys don't get to fucking judge me. You thought she was hot too."

"But we didn't treat her like shit all summer because we thought she was hot. That was you!" James' voice was raised. "You're unbelievable."

With his bag over his shoulder, Kendall made his way to the door where is friend's blocked his path. "Get out of my way!"

"No. You're not going to fuck her life up more than you have."

"Los, get the fuck out of my way."

Carlos' fist was heavy when it landed a blow across Kendall's jaw. "You're not leaving!"

Kendall's fingers were slick with blood when he touched his lip. That was all it took for him to shove Carlos through the doorway. It was like a switch had been flipped as he swung at his friend. But James and Logan quickly jumped in. James landed a punch to his nose causing him to bleed even more.

"You're a vindictive asshole." Logan hissed as his fist connected his Kendall's stomach. "You were awful to her."

"I was pissed about J-Jo and everything being put out there. And she kept shouting-"

"You put everything out there. You told her to kill herself."

Tears and blood dripped down Kendall's face. "I d-didn't mean any of it. I love her."

"Shut up."

He was taken aback by his friends' anger. He knew he fucked up but they were still his friends, they knew how he felt about her.

"I-I do love her! You guys are supposed to be my friends!"

Carlos' teeth were gritted. "The Kendall we know would never do something so disgusting."

Kendall tugged at his hair and let out a shaky breath. "I know, god, I know. But at least it wasn't a video."

"That fucking video isn't an excuse to treat someone the way you did, asshole." James seethed as he pushed him. "And that doesn't take away from what you did."

"Yeah if anything it adds to it. You knew how vulnerable she was, you saw that she was trying to put it behind her. But no, you were revolting and shared those pictures." Logan spat at him, his eyes were full of disdain for his friend. "You said that you liked her and then as soon as you got caught in your lie you turned on her."

He wiped at his bloody mouth and threw a punch at Logan but missed. "What the hell, you should be on my side."

"We were on her side from the start. Dude, you're my best friend but the way you've acted isn't the guy I know." Carlos was quietly fuming. "You were shitty to her from day one. You never saw her face when you'd call her a slut. She tried to hide it but she looked so sad."

"Did s-she?" A sinking feeling tugged his heart into his stomach. "Shit, I-"

"Yeah." James cut him off. "She'd ask us why you hated her."

A fresh batch of tears cropped up in his eyes. "I don't hate her."

"You could have fooled us."

Kendall shook his head frantically as more tears fell down his face. "I'm crazy about her. I love her. You know that I told her."

"Just stop, you're making yourself look dumb."

"I do!" His voice was shrill and panicked. "I love her so much, s-she's amazing. I never felt this way about Jo. I'd m-marry her, I would. She drives me crazy and I fell in love with her."

James scoffed and shoved his phone at Kendall. "Marry her? She'd never say yes, why would she?"

Kendall took the phone and hit play. He felt like he might be sick when he realized what it was. Someone had filmed the backstage fight they had before he had tweeted. His face was red and contorted with anger.

"Move!" He heard himself shout as he clenched his jaw.

"No! I'm not done talking about this!" Elle was all fire and fury as she shouted. Maybe it was because he knew he fucked up, but she had never been so beautiful. She was bold and not afraid to stand up for herself. It was something he had grown to love. "I won't be treated like shit, especially when you're wrong. You're a coward."

That was when everything changed. She had been screaming and Kendall watched as his onscreen-self was consumed with rage. Kendall flinched when he watched himself shove Elle into the wall. She cringed and cried out in pain. He stood over, he didn't look like himself.

And he didn't sound like himself.

"You're nothing. Just do everyone a favor and kill yourself."

His words were harsh as he spoke to her. It put a lead weight in his stomach. Elle blinked through glassy tears and was shaking just as the video ended. Kendall rubbed his hand over his face and returned James' phone.

"I-I screwed up."

"No shit."

Kendall's friends gave him one last look of disgust before walking over to Gustavo who looked stressed. Kendall knew going after her would only make it worse so he locked himself in his dressing room. He dialed her number and it rang, the fact that his calls weren't blocked was probably a good sign. When he heard the sound of the line being picked up his stomach swooped.

"Elle?"

"You've reached Elle, leave a message."

It wasn't her and his heart fell. "Shit baby, please don't leave I'm so sorry. Call me back."

He hung up the phone and redialed. He called and he called and he called. Hoping, praying, she'd pick up. All he wanted was to tell her how sorry he was. How much he regretted everything he had done and that he'd do anything to fix it. Kendall was so frantic as he called that when it went to voicemail right away he jumped. She must have blocked his calls.

"No, no, no."

He texted her instead now.

Len, I'm so sorry please don't go.

I'm sorry, baby. I love you I promise.

Kendall texted her at least ten times and then his phone buzzed. His excitement quickly disappeared when he realized it wasn't Elle, dread-filled its place.

"H-Hello?" He asked timidly.

"Kendall Donald Knight!"

He pinched the bridge of his nose, the blood had dried on his face. "Mom, hey."

"Don't you dare say hey. What have you done? Why did Katie just show me a video of you with your hands on a woman and that you shared her pictures?"

He groaned. "Mom, you don't g-get it."

"What don't I get? Because there better be more to this story. Tell me that you didn't cheat on Jo and sleep with some poor girl as a joke."

Kendall knew he was screwed. That was pretty much what had happened so he let out a shuddery breath. "M-Mom, I fucked up. I know what I did was wrong."

"Wrong?" His mother sounded furious. "It was more than wrong. I raised you better than this, I'm disappointed in you."

Hearing this stung, but it wasn't uncalled for. "I-I'm sorry. She made me mad and I got caught in a lie with her and Jo. So I just got mad and I freaked out."

"You told that girl to kill herself. I don't care how upset you are, you never say that to a person and certainly don't share their private pictures and shove them."

He hiccuped a bit. "Mom, I love her. Elle, I mean. I love her so much, I'm not just saying that. I'm crazy about her and she won't answer my calls or text and I don't know what to do."

Jennifer was quiet for a long moment and Kendall almost thought she had hung up. "I take it you already tried to apologize."

"Of course, I have so many times."

"Then you need to stop harassing that girl. What you did is wrong on every level." She was stern as she spoke. "You are going to leave Elle alone and give her space. You hurt this girl, Kendall. And you know I love you but what if this happened to Katie?"

The anger he felt was instant. "I'd rip the guy's head off."

"Exactly, that's how angry I am with you right now. You need to back off and if you truly ever loved her you'd see that."

No. He needed to prove to her how sorry he was. "Mom, no-"

"Enough! You need to leave her alone and that's the end of it. You need to think about what you've done. You've hurt that girl enough."

"Mom-"

"Goodbye, Kendall."

Then there was a soft click and a dial tone. He knew his mom was right as much as he hated to admit it. So for now, he was done texting her.

That was until a few hours later when his heart nearly stopped.

The show had ended a while ago. It had been awkward and painful and Kendall had been booed at whenever he sang or spoke. And when it had come time for them to sing the songs Elle would come out for, the fans had sung her parts. Elle had been gone for a few hours and Kendall felt like the life had been sucked from him. His face ached, his heart was broken and he wanted to die. He was holed up in his dressing room, drunk and crying on and off. Elle was being ripped apart by social media and it made him feel guiltier than he already did. It wasn't her fault.

That's when a text came through, it was short and to the point but it made Kendall dizzy.

I did everyone a favor.

He read it a few times and horror set in. He texted her quickly as his hands began to tremble, he feared he might throw up. His stomach was in knots and flip-flopping.

Wait, what?

"No, no, no. Shit." He was already out the door. "Help!"

Holy shit, please don't hurt yourself baby.

She didn't reply and tears burned in his eyes. She couldn't do this, she didn't deserve this.

"What are you screaming about, haven't you done enough?" Liz asked as she broke away from Gustavo and Kelly. It was then that she noticed his face. "What?"

He was choking and gasping for breath. "E-Elle's going to hurt herself."

Liz's face paled immediately. "What?"

Kendall was shaking as he showed her the text. "Oh my god, you have to do something."

Elle's manager was eerily calm as she walked away, already speaking into the phone. The guys had caught wind of Kendall's distress and came over.

"What's wrong?"

Kendall sniffed through sobs to show them the text. "E-Elle's going to kill herself and it's all my fault."

Their faces all dropped. James already looked near tears and they all pulled their phones out. Kendall staggered backward and watched in terror as the scene played out. His friends were all texting her, Kelly and Liz were making calls and Gustavo was rubbing his forehead like he had a headache. What had he done? He had ruined everything for everyone. He sent her a third text, hoping she'd see it.

"Please be okay, please be okay." He chanted softly, not knowing what else to do. "Please be okay."

I'm coming out there, just hold on. Please?

---

Waiting to hear any news on Elle had been the worse hour of his life. Liz had left shortly after sending the police to Elle's apartment. Kendall had thrown up a total of three times while waiting. It had been hours later when they finally got the news that Elle was going to live. Kendall had wept in relief but not one of his friends had taken time to comfort him. Not that he blamed them completely.

That brought them to where they were now. It had been six whole days since everything had happened. He hadn't heard from Elle, his friends were barely speaking to him, his fans unfollowed him and he wanted to die. He knew Elle was alive, Liz had told Gustavo that a few hours later. Gustavo and Kelly had been busy on their phones all day, every day. Kendall would eavesdrop when he could. Apparently, Elle wasn't sure if she'd come back, her record label wanted to pull her from the tour. This was the opposite of what Kendall wanted. He needed to see her again, he needed to apologize and tell her that he really did love her. Everything thing he had felt for her was real.

"Los, give me my phone." Kendall held out his hand. "Now."

"No, you're going to call Elle and she needs to recover."

Kendall forcibly pulled it out of Carlos's hand. "Please. I'm not going to call her I swear."

"You know what? I don't give a shit." Carlos grumbled. "She won't answer anyway."

His friends cast him a long look before shutting the door behind them. Kendall locked it, relishing in the fact that he was alone now. He took a deep drink from the bottle and lit another cigarette. Things that had been getting Kendall through the days were drinking and smoking. Each time he lit a new one he thought of smoking with Elle the night they wrote her song. He had been annoyed. She had seemed stuck up and bitchy. But he had also been annoyed by the way his hands shook when she looked at him.

"Shit, I miss her." He thought to himself.

The smell of smoke reminded him of her too. He thought of how he'd reach up to pull her cigarette from her pink mouth so he could kiss her. Her lips tasted like honey and smoke. And no matter how much she smoked she always smelled like flowers, soap, and the tea she drank. The smell lingered on his sheets no matter how much he washed them. He could still feel her soft skin against his and feel how her small hands would get tangled up in his hair. She was intoxicating and it made his heart ache.

Kendall looked at his face in the mirror. It was ugly and bruised from his friends' beating. Of course, he deserved it but it still hurt. He didn't look like himself and didn't feel like it either. His throat was raw from all the crying and smoking. His skin was sallow and he hadn't eaten in days. It was no wonder that the media thought he was suicidal. Between his appearance and tweets, it wouldn't be a shock if he was found dead somewhere. It's not like he hadn't considered it. That was part of the reason he had posted the hotline to a suicide prevention line. That and because Gustavo was worried about his image. But the rest of tweets had been all him. One positive had happened though. Elle's tweet had been shared more than his had.

This is what he didn't show you.

All the pictures of them, real pictures from their relationship had gone viral. The circumstances were shitty of course but he was glad the truth was out there and being seen instead of just his stupid revenge tweet. He had regretted it as soon as he posted it but it was out there forever. So all he could do was try to apologize now. Kendall was good and drunk as he called her.

"You've reached Elle, leave a message."

"H-Hey Elle. It's me, I just wanted to say I'm so fucking sorry." He sniffed and rubbed his good eye. "Ah, fuck. Baby, I'm sorry. I miss you so much, I can't breathe, I can't sleep. I just want to hear your voice. I know I made a mistake, a couple of them. It was all real though, every kiss, every moment was real. It was a stupid bet I never actually planned on doing it. I was just mad and that's not your fault. I'm sorry, Len. I'll never be able to apologize enough. But I will spend the rest of my life trying to make this up to you. O-Okay?" He drew in a sharp breath as he cried. "I love you, y-you're my girl and I'm sorry. Please know that I'm crazy about you. I love you, Eleanor, I miss you."

Kendall hung up and buried his head in his hands. He would spend every day trying to fix the mess he made. He would apologize until his lungs gave out. Even if it took the rest of his life to prove to Elle that he loved her it would be worth it. Because it was true, he loved her, more than anything and he'd do anything to prove it.

---

Liz had taken all the alcohol from my apartment. Of course, I knew why. She didn't want me to poison myself or anything. But now that I had calmed down compared to the first day it was annoying. I didn't even want to binge drink, just a nice glass of wine to clear my head would be enough. But I settled for smoking while I wrote a song instead. That was one benefit of not drinking. Lyrics were pouring out of me faster than they had in a long time. When the Jett Incident had happened I had a mental block. There had been no music inside of me after that. This time around I was putting my heartbreak and anger onto paper. It helped a little bit but I really wanted a drink.

"Wait!"

I pushed myself off the couch and went over to my bags from tour. Somewhere in here was a flask from the award show. I unzipped the bags and rooted through them. Distantly, I thought of how that night had gone. I had won my awards and Kendall had spent the night showing me how proud he was. I frowned but kept digging. When I saw it my stomach dropped and tears cropped up in my eyes. I hadn't expected to find this. When I had left I blindly had shoved things into this bag. So pulling it out was jarring.

"Oh god."

It was soft and warm and before I could stop myself I pulled it over my head. And just like that, I was transported back to the bus. My head rested on his shoulder and I could feel his lips against mine. I could smell the soap, the mint, and the cigarettes. His stubble was rough on my face and his fingers intertwined with mine. The hoodie was comforting and the green reminded me of his eyes.

"No." I shook my head, dismissing the memories. "Alcohol is much more important."

Thankfully, my flask was at the bottom of the bag. I screwed the lid off and took a sip. The drink soothed my nerves and the heat traveled down to my stomach. Now that I had a drink I went back to my song. I had just picked up the pen when I was distracted again.

I watched as Kendall called me, his face was on my screen and made my mouth go dry. I took another drink. He had stopped calling me as much and I had wondered if his friends had taken his phone from him. I got a notification saying I had a voicemail and the mailbox was full. Maybe it was because I hadn't drunk in a while and it had a strong effect on me, but I felt brave. I took one more sip of liquid courage and held the phone to my ear.

"H-Hey Elle. It's me, I just wanted to say I'm so fucking sorry."

Hearing his voice made me wince, it managed to be familiar and strange at the same time. I could hear him sniffle and he sounded frustrated.

"Ah, fuck. Baby, I'm sorry. I miss you so much, I can't breathe, I can't sleep. I just want to hear your voice. I know I made a mistake, a couple of them. It was all real though, every kiss, every moment was real. It was a stupid bet but I never actually planned on doing it."

Kendall was rambling, it seemed like he was a little drunk and his throat sounded sore. I could picture him tugging at his hair and biting his lip as he left the voicemail. On the other end, he drew in a breath as he explained himself.

"I was just mad and that's not your fault. I'm sorry, Len. I'll never be able to apologize enough. But I will spend the rest of my life trying to make this up to you. O-Okay?" Tears stung my eyes as I heard Kendall start crying. He sounded so sad and broken. "I love you, y-you're my girl and I'm sorry. Please know that I'm crazy about you. I love you, Eleanor, I miss you."

You're my girl.

Those three words used to make me blush. When he'd say them to me I believed him. I hung up the phone and let out a shaky breath. I couldn't be sure it wasn't a lie. There were butterflies in my stomach and I felt lightheaded. As much as I hated to admit it I missed him. It may have been a bet and may have been awful to me but I had cared for him at one point.

"I miss you too," I whispered.

I breathed in the smell of his sweatshirt, trying to remember what we had shared. I tried to recall any kind of sign that it had been a lie. I couldn't find one, it had all felt so real. The memories of his smile and the way he made me feel morphed into something ugly. His bright green eyes were filled with anger, his face was red and his hands were rough as he pushed me. It didn't matter if it hadn't actually been a bet, he still had hurt me and that was unforgivable.

So I cried. I cried for the betrayal I had felt, for the embarrassment I suffered and for the way my heart had been broken into a million tiny pieces. And a small part of me cried over Kendall. I missed him, I yearned for what we had shared. It had been real for me, he had made me feel safe and loved after everything I had been through. Tears leaked down my face and I curled in on myself, his scent surrounded me. I missed him so much that it felt like I would never be whole. But it was too risky to trust him again. I couldn't forgive him but I could miss him.

So I hit replay instead of calling. His voice came through the speaker.

"Hey Elle, it's me."

And I would. I'd miss him, and what we had shared, forever.

---

AN: Wow! A lot happened in this chapter. I don't even know where to start. Elle made good on what Kendall said and tried to do everyone a "favor", thankfully she didn't succeed. This isn't the first time this has happened but hopefully she'll be okay now. Turning to some good news at least the fans see that it's Kendall's fault unlike like last time. And some more good news, Elle isn't pregnant but she has been before! I've hinted at this before, most times when she sees Jett in person her hand goes to her stomach out of habit. We also saw Kendall's POV that was really fun to write but it wasn't fun for Kendall. He deserved that beating in my opinion though. Do you think Kendall deserves to be sad about Elle leaving and do you think he really misses her?

My favorite parts of this chapter were the very end. And both Jett flashbacks because I love writing scenes with him. I liked revealing Elle's final secrets about her pregnancy and how everything went down in the days after her attack. I wanted to round out that storyline a bit. The Kendall perspective was interesting to write too. I liked showing how he saw Elle and what he thinks of her. My favorite Kendall part was probably the scene where his mom calls him and the fight with his friends. What were your favorite parts?

This was a long chapter but I hope you liked it. I don't think the next one will be this long. It will cover Elle making choices about her career and show Kendall struggling with the fall out of his actions. I will try to update sooner than I did this time around. But until then, thank you for everything and I hope you let me know what you thought!

Stay tuned!