AN: It's Big Time Thursday! Thanks for your feedback and patience. To show you my gratitude, this is a fairly long chapter. The POV switches just a touch for a scene just to give you a heads up. I hope you enjoy and please let me know what you thought.

"All eyes continue to be on the Count Me In Tour. Elle Harper unexpectedly made her return to the stage in Detroit. It's been two weeks since her private photos were leaked by tourmate and ex-fling Kendall Knight. Her performance last night is being praised as 'brave and inspiring' from critics and fans alike. Most touching was a new untitled song she performed instead of the usual duet with Kendall. It's clear everything is still fresh because the 21-year old broke down on stage but finished the song after fans cheered her on. Onstage Elle gave her first comments on the scandal, saying 'I only came back for my fans, no one else. Not the label, not my manager and certainly not for him. I came back for you all'. Rumours are circulating that she has her own bus and that Kendall's own bandmates are keeping him away from her."

"Can we turn this off? I don't need to hear it rehashed, especially because I'll be talking about it for the next year."

"You know five weeks is the standard cycle for celebrity gossip," Liz said dryly as she closed her laptop. "And trust me once you drop this album the only thing people will be talking about is where your Grammy nomination is."

"Five weeks, perfect. The tour will be over by then and I'll never have to see his face again."

It was my first full day being back on the tour and we were in Green Bay for today and tomorrow, our last stop in the Midwest before we headed to the Pacific Northwest. I hadn't been sleeping well since Liz took my sleeping pills. I thought having my own bus would help with that, but I ended up just being bored without my friends. But being on a bus without him on it was actually peaceful, I hadn't seen Kendick all morning. But I knew that would change because we were scheduled for an interview at a radio station in a half hour.

"No, you won't. But as far as today goes, he knows not to say anything awful. He signed a non-disclosure last night, their legal team doesn't want to risk anything." Liz nonchalantly picked at her nails. "I still think we should hit him with charges but you're a better person than me."

I snorted at this and thought of every single mess Liz had taken care of for me in the past few years. From my rocky relationship with Jett, the whole Jett Incident, the suicide attempts, the pregnancy scare, and miscarriage fiasco and now this, she was there for everything.

"Liz you deserve an award for dealing with me."

"We should head to the car, we don't want your first interview to start with you being late." She gathered her things. "Oh and I deserve at least three awards."

The radio station's tiny parking lot had more people than cars it in. Fans lined the sidewalks and police were holding people back. That wasn't too out of the ordinary but the media was. TMZ wannabees and local news stations were there with their cameras. The guys had gone first but I hung back signing a few autographs and taking pictures. It was overwhelming but being back with fans was worth it.

"I'm glad you're okay. He's a dick and no one likes him."

I laughed a little as I signed her poster. "That should be the title of my album."

The fan shook her head. "No don't give him any more attention, boy bye."

But Kendick didn't need me to give him attention he had enough on his own. Further down the sidewalk, the press were swarming him, fans didn't seem to want any selfies with him. Cameras were shoved in his face and the bright light illuminated the bruises on his skin. He still looked like shit, he was unshaven and was wearing a black hoodie even in the heat.

"Kendall, how do you feel that Elle is back?"

"What about the rumors that she tried to kill herself because of you? Are you both suicidal?"

"Do you regret what you did?"

He was clearly fed up with all of the attention. He shoved one of the paparazzi hard enough to make him stumble. When more cameras were thrust at him, he pushed one away.

"Get that thing out of my fucking face!"

The guys and I all shared uneasy looks and my mouth was dry. Watching him shove the paps was all too similar to him shoving me. He pulled his hood over his head and covered his face as he walked towards the building. His outburst only encouraged the press.

"Kendall, C'mon man. Why'd you post those pictures?"

"Do your friends want you to leave the band?"

He balled up his fists and I could see the veins in his neck. "I said get out of my fucking face."

The guys were quick to deny that they wanted him to go. Kelly looked like she was going to have an ulcer as she tried to manage the press.

"He's going through a rough time and made a mistake. I think we should focus on better things like our album." James oozed natural charm. "Come on guys, you know this is hard for everyone."

"Yeah, and our friend Elle is back on tour. Don't give him any more attention."

With them distracting the press, I slipped inside the building fairly unscathed. It wasn't until I saw him in the lobby, did my hands start to shake.

"What?" He snapped. "Are you going to tell me I was an idiot for shoving them?"

He was trying to smoke inside, that was new even for him. "I would but you shoved me, so clearly you have no issue with it."

"Fuck, Len, I just... I'm sorry, okay?"

"Yeah, whatever."

The guys joined us inside and I sighed. At least I wasn't alone with him anymore. Logan reached up and snatched the lighter before he could use it.

"That's disgusting."

Kendick stuffed his hand in his pocket and produced a small vape, he took an exaggerated puff and blew in Logan's direction.

"Jesus, he's one of those guys now?" I asked Carlos as we headed toward the elevator bank. "Why am I just learning this?"

"Oh yeah, he vapes." He rolled his eyes. "He's a moron. He's going to poison himself. He bought it at a rest stop last night, our bus stopped for gas."

"The whole bus smells like mint and smoke now." Logan rubbed his temples. "I have a headache from it. Thank god we're in a hotel for two days. Are you alright?"

The doors were sliding shut and I could see Kelly scolding him. He was biting his lip and looked like all the life had been sucked right out of him. He didn't even react to being chided.

"I'm fine."

Once we were upstairs, Liz was already there running point. My seat was the furthest from his and she was explaining what questions were off limits. We met the radio host who would interview us before relaxing. The three guys and I milled around for a few minutes and I was actually in a good mood despite what had happened. Seeing the fans still put a smile on my face, I really thought I'd never see them again after I made it to my apartment. James and I must have been thinking the same thing because he gave me a supportive thumbs up.

"It's good to have you around again."

"Thanks."

We settled in for the interview and Kendall came in and took his seat. His hair had been combed into some kind of order and he quietly slipped on his headphones. The red light buzzed signaling we were on the air.

"You're listening to Green Bay's number one radio station and I'm Zack Reese. It's an exciting morning in the studio, I have Big Time Rush and Elle Harper today."

The questions started off easy, how were the albums going, what our thoughts on recording on the road were, and if the guys were excited to be in the Midwest again. I was grateful that they started off easy but then the mood shifted.

"And of course, we have Elle with us. You just came back to the tour yesterday, welcome back."

"Thanks, I'm glad to be back."

Zack was scrolling on his laptop. "So you put out a song last night, everyone is raving about it. Do you want to give us any insight?"

"Well, uh, I wrote it during my break. It's about everything that had happened at the start of this tour."

"Was it a hard song to write?"

My mind flashed to the bandages I had hidden and to the way I did nothing but cry when I hadn't been sleeping back in LA. "It was hard to write about because what happened is awful. But I wrote it in 20 minutes, it's one of the fastest I've ever written."

"Did you write any other songs while you were away?"

Too many. Once I had been sober the words had poured out of me. "I have a few I'm really proud of. I might add some to my album. But I feel like having songs about the same thing can get repetitive so we'll see."

Zack took a sympathetic turn. "How are you feeling? Did you look at social media at all while you were gone, because everyone was rooting for you."

"The fans were really sweet from what I saw and I'm thankful for that." I was upbeat like Liz had instructed but then I heard myself grow bitter. "But for the most part, I was too busy having panic attacks and crying to look at my social media. Besides, seeing your own face and body gets tiring."

Kendick shifted in his seat and I could see him cringe. I didn't care if it made him uncomfortable, he fucked me as a bet. That was uncomfortable.

"I have to ask, are the two of you still at odds or have you, uh, reconciled?"

I looked down the table at Kendick and then at Zack. "Absolutely not and I no interest. I came back for my fans and no one else, least of all him." I hated myself for the way my voice cracked. "Besides, what he did is u-unforgivable."

The rest of the interview picked up from that point. I made sure to laugh at the right moments and smile when I should but for the most part, I was silent. The guys were smart enough to carry the whole conversation. Every time I looked up from my lap, he was staring at me, the guilt was obvious on his face.

"Sorry." He mouthed to me.

I pretended not to see it and once the interview was over I was the first one out of the room. Liz was quick to rush to my side.

"Are you okay? I didn't know the interview would go that way."

"Fine, don't worry about it. I was going to have to talk about it sometime."

When we got back to the venue, I settled into my dressing room. We had a few hours to kill until soundcheck and I needed a minute to myself. The interview hadn't been too bad but his outburst outside the station was trending. I watched him shove cameras and people out of his way over and over again. All I could imagine was him shoving me to the ground. A tap on the shoulder made me jump.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I stood from my seat. "Go away."

Kendall sheepishly held out a paper cup to me. "Here."

I eyed the cup with suspicion. I hated to admit it but if he could share my nudes, fuck me as a bet and tell me to die, I wouldn't be shocked if he had slipped something into the drink. After all, apparently he and Jett were friendly. And his eyes were clearly glazed over and red, he was high as hell.

"No."

"Elle, it's just tea, ice water, and honey, I even made sure craft service had the tea you like." He tried to hand it to me. "I know that interview sucked, and tea usually makes you feel better. You always make it when you're stressed."

"How do I know you didn't spit in it or poison it?"

"Oh for fuck sakes." He took a large sip. "It's fine."

Our exchange was too similar to one we had before the tour started. We had been at the studio, the night after we wrote the duet. He had brought me coffee to make up for being a dick. So much had changed between then and now. Too much.

I stared at him for a moment. "Nope, I don't know if it's a bet to make me drink it or not."

His face fell. "I'm sorry, you know that."

"That means nothing to me. Just go away."

He reached out to touch me and I stepped back. "Please."

"Go!"

It was some kind of miracle when Logan walked by, it took him two seconds to force himself between us. "Leave her alone, man."

"She's my girl, not yours." He spat and then took my hand. "Tell him, just talk to me."

Logan put an arm around my waist and smacked his hand away. "I'm not kidding, leave."

"Len."

"Go away. I'm not yours."

Kendall sighed and left the tea on the table. "I'm sorry."

"It doesn't m-matter. Just go."

Kendall didn't reappear for hours. He missed lunch and soundcheck. I was worried they'd find him hanging from the rafters somewhere but when my phone buzzed I was instantly sick.

Kendall Knight is live, click now to watch!

It was a notification, he was live on Instagram. The guys and I had been working on a song I wanted them to sing with me. We all looked at our phones and when the stream buffered it was clear he was on the bus.

"Is he drunk?" I asked no one in particular. "Or high?"

"Both, probably." James deadpanned. "Gustavo is going to be pissed."

"Hey, it's me." His voice was slow and he laughed a little. "I just wanted to jump on and say that I know I fucked up. But I wrote a song if anyone gives a shit."

He peered at the screen and shook his head, the comments were vulgar and rude. Even I flinched, he may have been awful but some of these were too much.

"This person says I should quit the band and die." He seemed amused by it. "You're not wrong, I'm fine with either of those happening. But until then, I wrote this song last week. And I figured since she won't talk to me, she'd hopefully listen to my song."

"Someone needs to stop him." Carlos groaned and rubbed his hand over his forehead. "I thought Kelly took his phone."

On screen, Kendall fiddled with the guitar. He strummed a little and I could see he was reading all the comments that were rushing in.

"The misery, the cigarettes, another night that I'll regret. The suffering, I take a drag, the heat is on, I want you bad." His voice was rough and he played sloppier than he normally would let himself. He was a perfectionist when it came to the guitar. But he didn't seem to care. "The life I'm living lately, if you only knew you'd hate me. When I wake up I'm shaking."

He sang about missing my silhouette and how he was wearing nothing but black. My stomach twisted and I stood from my seat. I was numb as I walked out into the hallway. I looked around at everyone. Gustavo was fuming as he stared at the same video, Kelly was speaking into one phone and texting on the other and Liz looked pissed. Behind me, I could see the guys were worried for their friend but also upset with him.

Maybe coming back had been a mistake.

I didn't remember last night's show. It was a total blur. I knew it had gone well but I couldn't tell you anything else. The whole time my mind had been on Kendall's fucking song. The guys had spent time with me on the studio bus after the concert. We worked on the song we were collaborating on. They knew better than to talk about their friend, this was more than most people could manage. All the news wanted to talk about was how he needed attention and how he needed to be kicked off the tour. Fans were fighting with each other. Most were defending me but a small handful were worried about his health. And I hated to admit it, but I was too. Gustavo and Kelly were trying to handle the damage and Liz was trying to protect me.

But Kendall, he was smug.

He had been pleased with himself. When he had finished the song yesterday, he came back inside and was wondering why everyone was pissed.

"That's your song, it's for you." Those were the first words he spoke. "I'm sorry for everything, I just needed you to hear me."

But I was done listening.

In many ways, it felt like the beginning of the summer. I hung out with the guys or kept myself busy writing songs. Kendall was someone I had no desire to see or spend time with. And worst of all, I felt violated again. The Jett Incident had become the Kendall Incident. They were both pretty terrible but at least Jett hadn't harassed me every day. Kendall was persistent. He kept trying to be around me and to my horror he was going to get his way.

"No!" I protested. "Absolutely not."

Gustavo rubbed his hand over his face. "Listen, I know he's a complete moron. And I know what he's done is terrible, I'm not defending him or agreeing with him, I'm on your side. But the label is getting worried about the band's unity. The whole rogue song he sang yesterday and the fact the dogs beat him up, it's getting hard to keep a lid on it."

"And what does that have to do with Elle?" Liz was just as upset as I was. "I was fine with her singing with the guys, but not this."

"Also," I interjected. "Why the fuck is this being sprung on me today an hour before?"

"Showing the world that the five of you can be on stage together is a big deal. It shows that things haven't broken down entirely and it shows that it's not the four of you vs Kendall."

"But it is the four of us vs him. I know I said I didn't want to cause drama but I don't know. What are we even going to sing?"

"You were working on a new song last night, right?" He fiddled with his watch. "The dogs were going to sing backup? I was thinking that but if not I'm sure we could do an older song or a cover. You were on the bus working on harmonies."

I was indignant. "Oh, you want me to sing a song about Kendick, with Kendick?"

"I'm desperate here. Big Time Rush isn't taking all this scandal well. And I know it's shitty to ask you to fix it."

It was true, the guys themselves were fine. Logan, James, and Carlos were all still popular and fans were glad to see they were distancing themselves from Kendall's actions. But the actual band was suffering, people had unfollowed them, people had left after my set to avoid seeing him. It wasn't fair to the three of them. After giving it some thought I groaned.

"Only because they're my friends. But Kendall won't be singing, he can play the tambourine for all I care. His mic will be muted and I want you to promise he won't do anything stupid up there." I rattled off, holding my ground. "It's embarrassing for everyone."

Liz and Gustavo shared a look, and when she nodded he seemed relieved. "You've got it. Thank you for this, I know it's not ideal."

"Well, I'm not doing it for him. I'm doing it for the guys and for me. You know, look like the bigger person."

Every couple of shows we had VIP soundchecks early in the day. We got to check the audio and fans got to see us in a personal setting and usually, I enjoyed them. But having an unexpected performance of a new song with Kendall onstage was enough to annoy me. It was only when the guys found me in my dressing room before the performance did I warm to the idea.

"You're way too good of a person, you know that right?" James asked as he came through the door.

"Seriously, thank you."

Logan hugged me from behind. "I know this is shitty but we really needed this."

I turned and stood from my seat. They wore the same grateful expression and a weight was visibly lifted off their shoulders. The past three days had been nice to reunite with them, but they were clearly stressed from all the scandal surrounding the tour. I didn't blame them, they had been working so hard to look more mature and on the album. They were forced to choose between me and their childhood best friend. And to top it all off, they had to deal with Kendall being drunk, whiny and petulant for two weeks. They had been on my side from day one when the worse thing Kendall had done was call me washed up. This was the least I could do.

"You've done so much for me and we were going to sing it soon anyway." I laughed underneath my breath when I realized something. "It's funny, Kendall's biggest concern about me joining the tour was that I'd bring bad press and ruin things. But he was the one to do that."

Yesterday's footage from outside the radio station had gone viral and his song was being talked about all over social media. Every time I was brave enough to peek at my notifications I was flooded with the song and fans asking what I thought about it.

"He's an idiot." Carlos scowled and folded his arms. "It's like he lost all common sense."

The sound of a clearing throat made me jump. He was puffing on his vape and was still in the same black hoodie he wore every second he wasn't onstage.

"Speak of the devil." I glared at him. "What?"

"I'm sorry about having to be there when you sing. I know you're pissed, I heard you arguing about it."

"I'm pissed about a lot of things. I take it Gustavo has already told you to just shut up and sit there?"

He nodded and blew a cloud of smoke. "Yeah, I won't sing. Thanks for doing this."

"I'm not doing it for you, it's for my friends. This shouldn't be hard for you, pretending that you're a decent person. You had me fooled all summer."

This made him cringe and he reached out to me. "Babe."

"Don't talk to me. Just shut up and try not to leak my nudes while we're out there."

The fans were excited to see us and I was excited to see them, even if the situation wasn't ideal. The welcome back signs warmed my heart as I sat on my stool. The way these worked was we'd each sing an old song and then answer some questions. But today the idea was to make things look like they weren't falling apart. The guys managed to trade a few jokes before they sang Shot in the Dark. It was a major throwback that even I enjoyed. I hadn't watched BTR's set last night or in Detroit so it was jarring to watch them boo Kendall everytime he sang. The guys picked up the slack when he stopped singing. I almost felt bad but it passed when I thought of how disgusting he had been. I played a stripped down version of Take It Off, it had been the first song of mine that really pissed people off. Being sixteen and singing about drunken partying was enough to get your name out there. Singing it was a nice change it reminded me of a simpler time, before Jett and before Kendall.

James took the lead once I finished. "Normally, we answer questions right now. But we thought we'd change it up, Green Bay is that okay with you?"

"Now that we're all nostalgic, we thought it would be a good time to sing something new." Carlos teased. "Elle, being the genius she is, came up with this."

I made sure to smile wide for the sake of the press and I heard Kendall force out a laugh. Inwardly, I was nervous as hell and my hands shook. I may have sung a new song in front of Kendall the other night but he was three feet away from me now. I stalled, hoping to stop my voice from trembling.

"How many of you have been in a relationship that wasn't what you thought?" Most of the hands shot up in the air. "Maybe you weren't dating officially but you still find yourself trying to figure out what the hell happened."

The small crowd cheered and it was reassuring. I wasn't sure if this would do anything to make it seem like we didn't hate each other, but I didn't care.

"That's what I've been coming to terms with the past few weeks. Now that I've had time to think about it I find myself going over everything moment by moment, trying to look for signs I might have missed. All these memories keep coming to the surface but they're ruined now, you know what I mean? Everything's stained with the ugliness of what happened. Looking back on it makes it obvious. I think I knew things were doomed from the start but it was easy to ignore that when you're pulled in by a smile." I was getting deeper than I had planned too but it felt good, cathartic. "I think he knew that, I just wish I had seen it sooner. This one is called Trouble."

It had been a while since I had played guitar for the audience, the guys started clapping to the rhythm and I watched as Kendall quietly shook the tambourine. It was almost enough to make me laugh.

"Once upon a time, a few mistakes ago, I was in your sights, you got me alone."

The first time I thought Kendall and I might have chemistry was when he came to my hotel room after our first kiss. He had come to apologize to me but once it was just the two of us the mood had shifted. I had teased him and got him to confess he was attracted to me. I had been the one to start our game. Looking back, I should have known better. The reason he had been so into our game was that his mind had always been on one thing, the bet.

"And he's long gone when he's next to me. And I realize the blame is on me."

The tempo picked up a little faster as I got to the chorus. The smile on Kendall's face was artificial and tight when he saw me staring he ducked his head.

"I knew you were trouble when you walked in, so shame on me now. Flew me to places I'd never been until you put me down."

Even now I could still envision the red and white conference room of Rocque Records. I could still feel the embarrassed and angry heat that burned my face when he had spoken. From the moment he stepped foot in the room he had been an ass. His words still buzzed in my ears.

"She is not coming on tour with us!"

He had been pissed from the minute he saw me. He said I would bring bad press to the tour and that it was bad for Big Time Rush's image.

"She's trouble." He had insisted.

In the end, it turned out that he was trouble. If only I had heeded his warning and not had gone on tour with them. I wouldn't be here trying to maintain a good image. I wouldn't be in the middle of another mess.

"Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground."

I tried not to think about how rough his hands had been when he shoved me or the anger in his eyes. I focused on the fans who were clapping along as the guys sang backup. Our voices blended well together and we were all enjoying it. This song wasn't as emotional as the one I sang the other night. This one was angry, I was mad at him for treating me this way and I was mad at myself for not seeing it sooner.

"A new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be. And now I see he was long gone when he met me."

It had been nothing but sex to him, I was a conquest. When I was back in California, I found myself wondering if he had cared about anything I told him. I wondered if he actually had been interested in me or had his mind always been on the bet. My throat was tight as I thought of his tweet, the words were committed to memory.

That moment when she's bitter you just fucked her as a joke.

"And I realize the joke is on me."

It had all been a game to him. It didn't matter that he had 'fallen in love with me' as he had claimed to. It didn't matter that he said he ended the bet as soon as he felt something. What mattered was the fact that he was low enough to make it in the first place he thought so little of me that he had no problem going along with it all.

The guys took the lead on the next chorus and I found myself staring at Kendall. His fists were clenched so tight that I could see how white his knuckles were. His body was tensed and he seemed to regret joining me onstage. Over his shoulder, Gustavo seemed to feel the same. I didn't feel guilty though they should have realized sitting on stage with him wouldn't be enough to mend things. My heart was pounding painfully in my chest as I reached the bridge. I had scribbled it down when I was fading in and out of sleep after my overdose. Kendall's eyes met mine as I sang.

"And the saddest fear comes creeping in, that you never loved me or her, or anyone or anything."

This proved to be too much for Kendall. The fake smile he wore melted off his face. I held out the note as I watched him shake his head. He violently pushed off of his stool causing it to topple over. I flinched when he spiked the tambourine to the ground.

"Fuck this!"

Carlos and Logan's mics were on either side of him, close enough to broadcast his words to the crowd. I barely got the last chorus out as he stormed off stage. Gustavo was already yelling at him.

"I knew right there, I knew right then. Trouble, trouble, trouble."

The fans still cheered when the song was over, they either didn't care about Kendall or if they did they hid it. I smiled and once Kelly was there to coordinate the handing out of gift bags I was rushed offstage. I was mortified about how he had acted. It felt like the early shows, especially when he blocked my path.

"What the fuck was that?" He demanded.

"What was what?" I asked coolly.

"You never loved me or her?" He mimicked and pointed to the stage, his stool was still on its side. "That's bullshit."

All I did was shrug. "No, it's true. You didn't love Jo enough to not cheat on her. And I know damn well, you never loved me."

He gripped my arms and my stomach turned. "You know I love you, you know that!"

"You slept with me as a bet, proceeded to post my nudes, and shove me. No one I know would do that if they loved someone."

"I'm sorry about that. Don't you dare say I don't love you."

I scoffed and took a step back. "If you loved me you'd leave me alone."

Liz was waiting near my dressing room door and I started over to her.

"You never loved me? You didn't feel anything?" Kendall called out. "You wrote all those songs because you didn't have feelings for me?"

When I turned his eyebrows were raised and he stared expectantly. For a moment I couldn't speak, it was a fair question. He smirked at me and close the gap between us, he towered over me and I could smell the soap on his skin underneath the smell of weed.

"If I'm so awful why did you come back?" He asked as his lips brushed against my ear. "You feel something."

I shoved him away. "I came back for my fans. And maybe I did feel something, but now? I hate you, I loathe the sight of you." My teeth were gritted and I was shaking with rage. "You make me sick to my stomach, Kendall."

When he brought his hand to my face I flinched, the guilt was clear on his face. "I'll make this up to you."

"Don't hold your breath."

That night had been a shitshow, literally. The fans had booed him every time he sang or spoke. Even being drunk wasn't enough to take the sting out of that. Kendall was staggering when they got to the hotel, a water bottle full of vodka was in his left hand and his vape was in the other. Elle had been perfect as usual, he had missed seeing her perform. He had missed seeing her dance. He missed her smile. Not that she would smile at him anytime soon. She didn't even watch their set anymore. She was probably tucked away in her room by now. He was mad at the world, mad at his friends and that song she had sung earlier had pissed him off. She had the audacity to say that he didn't love her, of course, he did.

But then he saw Logan and was even angrier.

Every time he looked, he had his hands on Elle. Today in her dressing room he had his arm around her. His veins were full of liquid courage as the elevator doors slid shut. It was just the four of them.

"Can you do me a favor and keep your hands off of my girl?"

Logan looked up from his phone and rolled his eyes. "What?"

"Elle. Stop fucking touching her, she's not yours."

"Oh and she's yours?" Carlos questioned. "I didn't realize her saying she hates you and literally telling you she loathes you meant she was yours."

Kendall stared daggers. "This doesn't involve you. I know you're jealous that I got to be with her and not you. And that you're bitter she chose me but fuck off."

Logan laughed at this. "I'm not jealous of anyone, I was making sure you didn't bother her more than you have. She asked us to keep you away from her."

"She's scared of you, man." James agreed as he stepped between them. "And she's not yours."

Hearing that she was scared of him made his head hurt. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her any more than he had. He groaned and rested his head against the cool metal. Despair was gnawing at his insides again.

"I love her. I love her so much." He hiccupped a bit. "I fucked up, I know that but I need her. She's mine."

James wrinkled his nose. "She's not property and I think you did more than fuck up."

"I've written so many songs about her." He mumbled as he took a long hit. "I can't stop, she's mine, she's mine."

"Please don't play them." Carlos' voice was hard. "James is right, she's not yours."

He shook his head at this. "I made a mistake but I want her, she's mine you don't know her like I do."

"No, she's not." The doors slid open and Logan gave him a disgusted once over. "You're drunk, go sober up. Kelly put you on the floor after this one."

"Go have some water and try not to humiliate her and us more than you have."

His friends emptied out of the elevator and Kendall jabbed the button. "Gonna make this up to her."

I was tucked away in my hotel room and grateful to be alone. We had been here last night too and would leave first thing tomorrow. The next few days were different than usual. We had spaced out our next few stops as we made our way to the Northwest. We'd have a long haul to South Dakota, then Montana and Idaho before hitting Oregon and Washington. Then we'd turn around and head to Minnesota for a few days and then finish off in Canada. We were taking the scenic route but this gave us more time to record and polish our albums. I was glad to have the catch-up time so I could finish mine.

But for now, all I wanted was to sleep. Liz and I left the venue right after I got offstage, we had a long dinner downstairs and we worked out a game plan for the rest of the tour. I was only five songs shy of finishing the album. Luckily, Kendick had given me plenty of inspiration.

I had settled into bed, ready to forget the trainwreck that had been the past two days. But when there was a knock on the door I groaned, last night the guys and I snuck out for food. It had been fun but I was drained. I hadn't been sleeping well so I'd take any chance I could get. I shuffled over, assuming they'd get the hint when they saw my pajamas.

"Guys, Liz and I had dinner," I said opening the door. "I'm- what are you doing here?"

I was face to face with a semi-intoxicated Kendall. He was leaning against the doorframe and the smell of liquor and weed wafted from him.

"I'm sorry." He slurred. "Really, really sorry."

"Go away. Drink some water and take a shower." I reached for the handle. "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

I swung it shut and made my way back to my bed. I let out a shriek when I felt his hands around my waist, I turned and hit him on the chest.

"Get off of me." I struggled against him and the panic rose in my chest. "I'll scream."

"Just listen, just listen." He looked alarmed and loosened his hold. "I'm not gonna hurt you, listen."

His hands were rough against my skin and I regretted the shorts and cropped shirt I was wearing. My mouth was dry and in the back of my mind, I thought of how Jett would get when he was drunk. His hands would wander and he didn't have half the temper Kendall did.

"No, leave!"

He stepped back and held his hands up, he swayed a little. "I won't hurt you, I want to talk."

I wanted to believe this but I refused to let my guard down. "So you break into my room?"

"You opened the door."

"I thought you were the guys."

He sighed at this. "I'll leave you alone, just listen to me."

I watched as he held onto the TV stand to steady himself, I was confident that he was drunk enough for me to be able to take him. He seemed to take this silence as permission to speak because he was rambling.

"Elle, I'm so sorry for everything. I never wanted it to be like this." He went to step towards me but had to grab onto my shoulder. "Those stupid fucking pictures, I wanted to hurt you but it was stupid."

"You did hurt me." I spat. "You made me try to kill myself."

He looked at the bandages on my arms. His voice was low as he spoke like he was ashamed to admit this to me.

"I wanted to really hurt you, I was so pissed that you posted that stuff about me and Jo."

"You did really hurt me, you shoved me."

His face was pinched with guilt. "I know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, I just, I wanted to make you regret it. But the second I saw your face I knew I fucked up. I couldn't ever hurt you, I love you."

He was incoherent and I pried at his fingers. "Well, you did a great job of hurting me so congratulations."

Kendall shook his head and nodded to my arms. His eyes had gone glassy and he groaned. "I told you to kill yourself, you did that because of me, you overdosed. I'm so, so, fucking sorry."

"Thanks for reminding how shitty you were." I deadpanned. "Can you go?"

"You thought you were pregnant. And you know what's fucked up?" He sounded embarrassed as he laughed a little. "I wasn't even mad."

He brought his hand up to rest on my stomach, feeling him touch my bare skin made me dizzy. It felt foreign to be touched by him, his hand rubbed back and forth across my middle. His other hand was dangerously tight on my hip, I was still somewhat worried about him forcing himself on me.

"I was a little excited about it." He was breathless as if his words sent a thrill through him. "You having my baby, proof that we love each other."

I wrinkled my nose at this and I briefly pictured Kendall with his hands on a swollen version of my belly. He was too drunk to notice this though because he was still wearing a dopey expression.

"Yes because us being parents would have been great. We get along so well and you definitely didn't fuck me as a bet." I was tired of indulging him and pushed his hand away. "And I don't love you and I don't want kids."

"Maybe not now but someday then." He conceded as he took a deep breath. His hand came up to cup my face. "I see a future with you. I want to spend my life with you, have a life with you."

My hand was heavy as I hit him across the face. "Fuck you."

This did nothing to stop him because he pressed on. "You were scared and alone and I'm sorry I wasn't there." His green eyes burned into mine and his mouth was stretched into that stupid smile. "I want you and I know you want to be with me too."

My eyes burned with unshed tears. "You know nothing about me."

It was true, he didn't know about what happened nearly two years ago. He didn't know the aftermath of it. He was clueless as to why it made his bet all the more horrifying. But I couldn't say anything because he seemed indignant.

"I know nothing? All these weeks I've spent getting to know you and I know nothing?"

"Nothing, you know too much if anything." I hissed and nodded to the door. "Go."

He seemed to accept my order and moved to go to the door. I folded my arms over my chest as he stumbled. It opened but he stopped and shut it, turning to face me. His face was full of grief and he stepped towards me.

"You're Eleanor Cameron Harper, you hate your name because you think it makes you sound like an old lady." He started, sucking in a breath. "You hate the heat because it reminds you of Arizona, of home. You take your tea with ice water and lots of honey, almost too much. And I still think adding cold water to a hot drink defeats the purpose but I make it for you anyways. It helps you when you're stressed or tired or worried."

"Don't do this," I begged. "G-Go."

Kendall's hand rested on my hip and he ran the other through his hair. "I know you." He insisted loudly, his voice was bright and his thumb brushed over my skin. "I know you, Len. Y-you talk in your sleep, you like it when I kiss the spot where your collar bone and neck meet."

I hastily wiped the tears that fell down my face. I didn't want to hear this, I didn't need to hear all the trivia he had pretended to care about while he was trying to fuck me as a bet. His eyes were warm and his pink lips were pressed together as he watched me cry.

"When you were a kid you wanted to be an English teacher. Your birthday is December 19th but Christmas isn't your favorite holiday. For some weird reason, you like the Fourth of July. O-Only it's not weird because it reminds you of being happy with your family. Banana is your favorite flavor of ice cream and you always come up with lyrics before the melody." Kendall's voice dropped to a low whisper. "And I know I fucked up, I know I hurt you."

My stomach was twisting into a knot and as I stared at him it was impossible not to think about us. I could still smell the salt that hung in the air as we got ice cream on the boardwalk. I could feel the damp grass underneath the blanket we had laid on as we watched fireworks in July. I remember every detail I had shared with. But when I looked at him it felt like there was a sheet of glass separating us. It was wedged between what he thought he knew and what I had never brought myself to tell him.

"I'm an idiot, I know that. I should have never made that stupid bet. I shouldn't have treated you the way I did at the beginning of the tour. And in New York, I should have been honest with Jo. I know I never should have put my hands on you or said it had been a joke." His hand was gentle as he picked up my arm. "I shouldn't have told you to do this. There's so much I shouldn't have done, so much I r-regret. That tweet, your pictures. I know that I'm crazy about you. I'm in love with you. All I think of is you. I can't sleep without you, I can't breathe without you. I am so goddamn sorry Elle."

"Sorry can't fix this." I felt dizzy and it was like my head was going to explode. "You don't know what you did."

Kendall was quiet for a moment and I thought he was going to leave, but then he spoke into my ear. "I know what I felt for you was real, I think it was real for you too. I think you still feel it too."

A sob escaped from me and I pushed him. "No! It was all a lie. You can rattle off every fact I told you o-or that you googled but you don't know me! You have no idea what I've been through."

He was taken aback by my shouting. "Tell me then. I want to know everything about you. I want to fix this."

The words were there, in the back of my throat. Three small words that had only been said to a handful of people. Three words seemed too simple to sum up something so awful. The bruises on my hips and the scratches on my face. The bitter taste of the drink he had poured down my throat. His weight on top of me. The way the water burned my skin as he scrubbed me.

It was so much more than the three words that were stuck in my mouth.

"Tell me. I can tell you want too. I want to know you." Kendall urged with a soft voice and tucked my hair behind my ear. "C'mon baby, you can tell me."

But I couldn't I wasn't sure I could even tell him to leave my room. My shove was weak but he removed his hand from my face. My shoulders trembled with sobs as I hid my face and turned my back to him.

"Eleanor. I know I hurt you and I'll never forgive myself. But I love you, you don't believe me but I do. You pull me in without trying. Just tell me what I need to know, tell me how I can fix this. Please."

"Get out." I rasped.

"Tell me, tell me and I'll go. Even if it's not how I can fix this, just tell me something I don't know." Kendall pleaded, he was heckling. "Because I know everything about you. I know enough to know that I love you. But if you don't feel that way tell me. Just tell me. Tell-"

And then the words weren't stuck in my throat. They surged forward and rolled off my lips as he continued to press me. My body whirled around and I didn't recognize the sound of cracking my voice.

"Jett raped me!"

My lungs ached as I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding. My shoulders heaved as I stood there gasping. Tears rolled down my burning face and it felt like the air was charged with electricity. The words hung between us and my lips buzzed from the force of expelling them.

Kendall's face visibly ashen and his mouth twitched as he tried to form a sentence. "What?"

"He raped me." It came out pitifully and my knees buckled as I sat down on my bed. "H-He hurt me."

He was still trying to process it and his brows pulled together. "What?"

It was as if a floodgate had opened because the word spilled just as fast as the tears. "He, he, put drugs in my drink. He took me into that bathroom and covered my mouth so I couldn't scream." I squeaked and my hands and gripped the sheets. "He pulled my dress up and he, he... He filmed the whole thing."

Horror bloomed on Kendall's face as he put it all together. "The bathroom? Y-you mean, the sex tape?"

"Yeah." I spat at him. "The tape you used as an excuse all summer to treat me like shit? The one you used to justify you betting on me? It's him fucking assaulting me."

"Jesus Christ." He muttered and ran his hand through his hair. "I think I'm going to be sick. W-Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't he?"

I rolled my eyes. "You never asked and he's never going to admit it. He scrubbed me clean and left me in a hotel room unconscious." Out of habit my hand when to my stomach. "And when I got pregnant he bashed my head into the wall and told me to get rid of it."

Kendall's head snapped up at this. "He scrubbed-? You were-? He made you-?"

"I t-thought he was going to drown me, and n-no I lost it." I sniffed and wiped my eyes. "I tried to kill myself."

He was crying as he crossed the room and sat next to me. "I am so fucking sorry. I-I'm sorry, fuck, I didn't know. If I did I wouldn't, I never would have..."

"But you did."

"I never wanted to hurt you. I love you."

I was quick to my feet. "Fuck you! Get out of my room and out of my life."

"Wait, no." He protested as I pulled him from the bed. "I want to talk about this."

"I don't just leave." I went to the door and pointed. "Now."

Kendall came towards me, closer and closer until I was cornered. My mouth was bone dry and when he held my arms to my sides panicked overwhelmed me.

"Don't, p-please don't." I begged frantically. "Stop."

His eyes were shut and he rested his forehead to mine. "God, I'm so sorry baby."

The alcohol was strong on his breath and his arms came up to pull me into a hug. He was crying, more than I had ever seen him. I squirmed against him, still nervous.

"Kendall!"

"I will never hurt you the way he did. I love you, I swear to god I do." He pressed his lips to my cheek. "I love you, Eleanor Cameron Harper."

"Well, I hate you, Kendall Donald Knight." I mocked coldly. "Get off of me."

He held my face steady as he leaned down to kiss me. It was nervous and shy. His lips were familiar against mine but he broke it before I could react.

"Shit, I'm sorry. For the kiss and for hurting you. I'll never forgive myself for what I did."

"You shouldn't because I know I won't. You fucking hurt me."

Kendall nodded at this and he seemed conflicted. "I would do anything for a second chance. I've never felt so guilty in my whole life. "

His hold was still tight as I was pinned in the corner. "Good."

"W-When you left and you sent that text I felt like the world stopped." He looked away as the words left his lips. He was overcome with grief. "I thought about killing myself when I lost you."

This confession was a shock to me. "What?"

He blinked a few times, his green eyes filled with tears. "I thought about buying a gun and blowing my brains out. I thought you were dead and knew that I hurt you. And that was before the Jett shit. I made a plan."

I shook my head and felt ill hearing this. "A plan?"

"To you know, end it." He looked away and sighed. "If you hadn't made it I was going to do it. I was drunk and scared all I knew was I didn't want to be without you. It was the only way to fix what I did."

He had hurt me in ways that were too unbearable to name. But looking at his bloodshot eyes and shaking lips showed me how guilty he felt. I didn't forgive him of course, but I groaned.

"I'll never forgive you but I'm glad you didn't."

This seemed to comfort him a bit. "I'm so glad you didn't either. I'm so sorry."

We were both quiet for a moment. I wiped my face and my shoulders deflated, all the tense energy that had been in the room had gone. My confession still lingered on my mind but I didn't want to discuss it anymore. Kendall seemed at a loss for words and bit his lip. He was still decently drunk and his eyes were heavy.

"Hey? Can I stay here?"

His question was so unexpected. "No, what the fuck?"

"I don't want to leave you alone or be alone really." He said. "I can't sleep without you, I wasn't joking."

I would never say it out loud but I couldn't either. I didn't love him, I wasn't sure if I even liked him after all the shit he put me through. I was still intensely and rightfully furious with him.

"Please?" He finally let go of my arms and I went to the bed. "I just want to see you."

He didn't get the hint as I crawled between the sheets. "You've seen me. Just because I told you the truth doesn't mean I like you."

He winced at this. "I figured but I've missed you so much."

I rolled onto my side and burrowed under the covers. "Goodnight."

When the bed dipped beside me I tensed. He was sitting next to me and had his hands in his face.

"I'm sorry for everything. I know it doesn't fix the pictures or the bet or hurting you but I am sorry. Jett didn't tell me anything about the tape, well not the real story. The next time I see him I swear I'll beat the shit out of him. I'll-"

I was too tired for this and against my better judgment I sat up. "Just go to sleep."

"You mean I can stay?"

"Only because I won't be responsible if you decide to off yourself or something. And because you're too drunk to find your room." I jabbed my finger at him. "But if you touch me or try anything I'll scream."

His eyes were already closed. "I'm sorry Elle."

"You should be." I flicked off the lamp and nudged him to the other side of the bed.

He let out a sigh and his voice was thick with sleep. "I'll make this up to you. I promise I'll do what I can to fix this."

Instead of responding, I simply pulled the blankets closer to my chest. The adrenaline from the confrontation had disappeared just as quickly as it came. I was exhausted and drained. Besides, there was nothing he could do to fix this. He couldn't stop Jett from drugging me, filming me and putting the tape out. He couldn't turn back time and stop himself from making the bet or treating me like garbage all summer. He couldn't take back the shoving and sharing my nudes.

As his quiet and slow breathing filled the room it was clear that he could only do one thing. He could fill the empty space next to me. I hated it but I was too tired to care. For the first time in weeks, I could finally sleep.

I'd deny it if I was ever asked but I had missed this.

AN: Elle is back in full force and shared her secret with Kendall. He's struggling and is really trying to win Elle back. Do you think he has a shot and does he deserve one? My favorite scenes were the ones during and after Elle sang and when Kendall asks why she came back, the small scene with the guys in the elevator and my number one was the confession scene! The scene with him storming off stage and the confession scene have been in my head since 2014 or so, I'm glad I can finally share it! I also really enjoyed the whole hotel room scene between them, they're so broken. I live for angst. And Kendall wants a future with Elle down to the kids and the white picket fence, thoughts?

I'm hopefully going to be updating every other Thursday from here on out. The chapters are going to be much shorter than this lol.

You made it this far, you should review! Thanks and stay tuned!