AN: Guess who updated twice in one month? It's me! Thank you so much for the feedback from the last chapter. I'm sorry I had to get snippy but I really and honestly appreciate every word that you take the time to write. This chapter follows Kendall and Elle both trying to make sense of the aftermath of their Minnesota adventures. I hope you enjoy and maybe leave a review! I'd be grateful for one or two comments if a few of you are feeling generous! :)

A bit of this chapter could be distressing due to thoughts of suicide. Just a head's up!

"Summer might be winding down but the Count Me In Tour is still on fire. Big Time Rush's fifth album, Don't Stop continues to dominate the charts. Tourmate Elle Harper is right up there with them. It's Kind of a Long Story is the fastest-selling album of the year. And she's currently the first woman to have four songs on the Billboard Hot 100 at the same time. Night Like This, Delicate, and Body Say are at number one, three, and five respectively. Colors, which is about ex-boyfriend Jett is at number eleven, despite not being a single. The number two spot is taken by BTR's single Hot Summer and Just Getting Started is at number four. The US leg of the tour may be over but the group is headed to Canada for the final stretch. If you have the chance to see them, I wouldn't miss it. I'm Channing Park and this is Hollywood Wakeup. We'll be right back."

The show went to a commercial break and I shook my head. Hearing just how well the tour and the music were doing made my head spin. We had just a handful of shows left. The next two weeks would be the main Candian leg of the tour with plenty of press to garner last-minute votes for the Tween Choice Awards. I would film a music video for my next single and then all that was left was the award show. Things were coming to an end, it was bittersweet. On one hand, I was ready for a break but I was also disappointed that I had missed two weeks of the tour. I had missed a chunk of New England and Montreal while I had been away. There was a plan in the works to go back to the places I had skipped over. I wanted to make it up to the fans who I had bailed on. The sound of my phone buzzing made me turn my head. Twitter notifications lit up my screen.

ElleArmy: Kendick posted a picture of skates yesterday, Elle posted a video of her skating. That's what we call a date.

ElleavateBTR: Sooo, y'all heard Kendall's voice in that video too right?

KendelleUpdates: They definitely went on a date yesterday. They both had an ice rink in their stories. How much do you wanna bet he taught her to skate? That's the cutest fucking thing. You can hear his voice in her story!

It wasn't just the tour's success that was making my head spin. Watching shitty celebrity gossip shows was a feeble attempt at distracting myself from what happened yesterday. Kendall surprised me with a sweet date, we kissed, and I let him take me home. I could still feel his weight on top of me and taste his mouth against mine. My face warmed as I brushed my fingers over the hickeys I had hidden with makeup. It had been romantic and cinematic, the way we kissed in the rain and he carried me up the stairs. There hadn't been a morning after but there had definitely been an afterglow. We ended up holding each other for a while and Kendall had been nothing but smiles and soft words. We had sex again after that. And again when he joined me in the shower. We had made up for the lost time, it had been well over a month since the last time we had hooked up. We had been in New York, the night before everything went to shit.

It was just after eight in the morning. We had gotten a late start getting on the road due to flooding. We should have left last night around seven but were stuck until midnight. Liz had been awake and on the management bus planning for a worst-case scenario for an hour. I, too, had been planning for my own worst-case scenario. A cynical, part of me was expecting a new set of nudes to be posted or for him to burst into my bus and tell me to go jump off a cliff or something. But part of me was still red in the face at the thought of yesterday. It had been fun and I enjoyed every moment of it. I had missed him, missed sleeping with him. Seeing the person Kendall was when he was home had opened my eyes. But I was still nervous. So when the bus came to a stop and I heard footsteps, there was a pit in my stomach.

"Morning, Elle." James walked onto the bus and gave a wave. "How are you?"

"What's wrong?" I asked instantly and squinted at the guys' faces for any hint of disaster. "What's happening?"

Logan looked confused. "We're stopping for gas and we brought you breakfast."

"We brought you a bagel, coffee, and this green juice shit." Carlos eyed the cup with disdain. "James is doing a cleanse so it's nothing but kale and celery."

"How many times do I have to remind you that I have to get back into top shape. I-" James paused and frowned when he looked my way. "You okay?"

"Me? Yeah, I just, it's dumb." I slouched further down in my seat. "How far are we?"

"Six hours."

The idea of being stuck on a bus for six hours with my thoughts was daunting. "I still don't see why we couldn't fly."

"Tell that to Griffin, he wanted us to test out the company's new buses this summer." Carlos sat down next to me and made himself comfortable. "On the bright side, we get to fly later next week instead of driving 22 hours. At least we don't have to do anything today. "

"Speak for yourself, I have to read through a draft of my music video concept. And then I have a call with the director and I'm trying to write a new song."

"We can't all be Wonder Woman." He shoved me teasingly. "Technically, we should do a live stream but it's too early for that shit."

"Hey guys, we're headed out." Kelly was standing in the doorway of the bus. "Last chance to switch buses."

The fact that Liz wasn't back here by now was a solid sign that I'd probably be alone for a few more hours. "You can hang here if you want."

They seemed fine with that and settled in. The bus had just started to pull out of the parking lot when the show I had been watching returned from commercial break.

"Our main story doesn't come from Hollywood but from Minnesota. The Count Me In Tour just finished it's four day stop there. Big Time Rush's fifth album Don't Stop is at the top of the charts. The tour was delayed last night due to thunderstorms but those aren't the only sparks that were flying. It appears that exes Elle Harper and Kendall Knight cooled off during an ice skating date. They both shared pictures of the same ice rink and Kendall's voice can be heard in Elle's story. Is Kendelle back toget-"

I lunged for the remote and turned off the TV. "Jesus, can I have one day where my relationship status isn't on fucking TV?"

My outburst seemed to startle my friends and they jumped. None of them seemed to know what to say and Logan shifted his weight.

"Are you okay?"

I picked at the bagel they had brought me and shrugged. "Fine, I'm just...I don't know. Yesterday was a lot."

"What exactly happened? We didn't hear from Kendall all day. He disappeared after breakfast and then he went straight to bed last night." James held up his phone. "We saw your stories but was it a date or just hanging out?"

"It was sweet, I mentioned that I wanted to try ice skating back in July. You know my birthday's in December but Arizona is always warm and it never feels like Christmas, and the movies always make it seem so nice. We dropped his sister and mom off at the airport and he made me cover my eyes. When I opened them he was on skates." My voice was high pitched and my words were spilling out of me. "He did the cheesy move where you hold hands and taught me to skate. And then he did some hockey stuff which was hotter than I realized. And then it was fucking rom-com and we fell and we kissed and it was probably a date. Right?"

"Yep." They this said in unison which made me groan. "Totally a date."

"Honestly, that's romantic and he mentioned wanting to teach you before everything happened." Carlos sounded hesitant about being on Kendall's side. "Did you kiss him or did he kiss you?"

I squinted and tried to think about who did what. He had held my face and leaned in first but I definitely hadn't pulled back. "It was mutual really. It was a long time coming. We didn't kiss at all while we were in Minnesota until then."

James was nearly astounded by this. "You mean to tell me that you spent the night more than once, met his mom and he played you a song and he didn't try to kiss you? Not once? Maybe he really is trying for a second chance. The headstrong dumbass we know would have tried more than once by now."

"I think he's trying to be respectful. Ever since I told him about the Jett Incident he basically asks permission to even stand near me. Which is great, of course, but I'm still so nervous. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every time I get a Twitter notification I want to puke."

"Why? What's on Twitter?" Logan was checking the app on his phone. "Is something supposed to be here?"

"No, I feel like I'm waiting for bad news."

They seemed concerned and confused about this. "Bad news?"

It was hard to put my anxiety into words. "The last time I hooked up with Kendall was in New York and everything fell apart then I tried to overdose. Excuse me if I'm skeptical and anxious."

Carlos' was awful at hiding his true feelings about anything seemed completely blindsided. "Wait, you slept together? When? Are you okay?"

All three of them stared at me like I had grown a second head. I covered my face with hands and let out a groan. It was too early to talk about this and I was more confused than ever.

"Yesterday, after we kissed. We went back to his house and hooked up."

There was stunned silence for a brief moment and then they started talking over each other.

"Are you okay?"

"Did you want to? Did he pressure you?"

"Shit, you fucked? Why?"

The concern about it being consensual was really touching and I assuaged their fears quickly. "I wanted to, he was really polite and kept asking if I was sure. I'm just conflicted." Carlos' question made me laugh under my breath. "I don't know, Los. It seemed like a good idea at the time. And then the second time and the third. But now I'm not too sure."

James gave me a supportive pat on the shoulder. "So, you hooked up. Maybe it doesn't have to be more than that?"

"It's Kendall, of course, it's going to be more than that. He kissed me in the rain and carried me up the steps just like a stupid chick flick. Now I'm just waiting for him to tweet about it or find out there was a hidden camera or something."

"Hey, I doubt that. Seriously he's pretty disgusted by Jett's behavior. He wouldn't do that, Elle."

My throat had grown tight and I blinked a few times. "And I thought he'd never bet he could fuck me or shove me but that happened."

"Yeah, but after you left he regretted it. He cares about you." Carlos was trying to reason as he rubbed my arm. "And he's not that stupid to fuck things up with you twice."

"I kinda guessed something happened because he definitely had a hickey and seemed way too happy last night. When I asked he refused to even hint at anything. He totally would have been smug if he was up to something." Logan tried to cheer me up and scoffed. "You know that smarmy look he gets when he's too pleased with himself."

I did know the look. I saw it before he sang One Track Mind and when he'd insult me onstage. Both things seemed like a lifetime ago. "I guess so. I just don't want to like him if it's all a joke."

"Don't worry about that. He absolutely likes you, he kept rambling about it at the party. He was all 'Elle looks so pretty' this, 'We've spent so much time together, what does it mean' that, it went on and on." James seemed exhausted by just the memory of the conversation. "It can't be a joke. He's too honest when he's drunk."

I was still a bit dubious. "Really?"

"When you were, uh, home, he was a wreck. I know it was hard for you too but he was going through the motions. He was drunk and kept talking about hurting himself." Carlos said this uneasily and scratched the back of his neck. "He didn't sleep, he just talked about wanting to fix things with you."

The mention of him wanting to hurt himself reminded me of the night he broke into my hotel room. He had confessed that he had thought about buying a gun and 'blowing his brains out'. I swallowed the lump in my throat and picked at my fingernails. If the guys thought he liked me, he must have. I was pretty sure he liked me too but I was scared to get close.

"Minnesota was nice. Meeting his family was nice, he cooked me dinner and breakfast. Him teaching me to skate was the nicest thing a guy has ever done for me." My smile was weak and my voice cracked. "But I don't know if anything's real."

"I would be careful but I think it was for him." James sipped on his green juice. "You shouldn't rush into anything. I'm sure he'll wait."

I sighed, my friends had made me feel a little better but I was still stressed. "I don't want to talk about this anymore. Can we change the subject?"

Logan was quick to jump in. "I'm not mentioning him, but I gotta know. How many times did you fall on the ice?"

We all laughed at this and I faked a scowl. "Only once, asshole. I had help."

"Really? That's better than I thought." He seemed impressed. "But please tell me you didn't use one of those skate trainers. Those are for old ladies and kids."

I elbowed him in the ribs and scoffed. "Shut the fuck up, don't hate on the walker."

Kendall

The first thing he noticed was just how quiet it was. James' blender wasn't whirring and Logan and Carlos weren't bickering about a video game. It wasn't the worst way to wake up and he enjoyed the silence. He was bleary-eyed as he peeled off his clothes and waited for the shower to heat up. He let out a long breath when he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, a smile curling at his mouth. His collarbones and chest were littered with small hickeys and faint scratches.

"Shit."

He had and Elle had slept together a few times yesterday after their date. It had been even better than he had expected, especially after spending a month only being able to think about her. He had missed her, missed seeing her like that. While it had been pretty fucking spectacular, he had enjoyed what came before even more. The skating lesson had been something he had thought of weeks ago. She had confessed that she always wanted to learn. Seeing the way her face lit up was priceless. And the fact that it was the nicest thing a guy had done for her made him feel good. He thought it was an outrage that Jett or any other guy hadn't done something like that. Because he was damn sure he'd do anything to make Elle happy.

When he checked his phone after his shower, Kendall was disappointed to see that she hadn't texted him. The only text was from his sister, it was a link to an article about yesterday.

So, should I become a wedding planner instead of a manager or...?

Even a joke about marrying Elle was enough to make his face grow hot. Maybe it was the Bet Bullshit, as he called it, or maybe it was just because she honestly was the only person for him, but he was pretty sure he was meant to be with Elle. When she had left the tour he had drunkenly told his friends he'd marry her. He hadn't been joking even in the slightest. But he wasn't going to get his hopes up after just a few good days. Plus, they had barely been dating and he was only just starting to make things up to her. If she forgave him enough to get back together for good, marriage was years away.

It was one date.

Yeah, but she slept over every night but the party. She met mom, had dinner, and you took her on a date straight out of a shitty movie. Mom's been talking about you two all fucking day.

Really?

'Kendall really likes her, he better not hurt her' 'She's such a sweetheart, right?' 'The way he treats her is something else.' Obviously, she thinks you were a dumbass for fucking things up with her. But Mom thinks she brings out a different side of you.

Introducing Elle to his mom had been nervewracking on two counts. He had been worried about freaking Elle out by moving too fast and he hadn't been sure how his mom would react to him trying to get back with her. She had been pretty adamant about the fact that she was disappointed and that Elle deserved to be left alone. But when they had sat around the table and laughed together, it felt right. It felt like it had happened countless times. Elle fit right in with his family in a way Jo hadn't. Of course, she had won them over though, who wouldn't fall for Elle Harper? His reply was quick.

She makes me happy. She makes me want to be better.

Gross. Don't fuck it up, I like her.

The only other notifications were some tweets from fans. He thanked someone for liking the album, slightly surprised that he hadn't been cursed at yet today. Ever since New York, his mentions were mostly a flood of people saying he should die and that he was a pig. He agreed with them for the most part, what he did had been disgusting. He was still wracked with guilt and shame. If Elle did manage to forgive him, he'd never forgive himself. The tweets saying he should die made him frown even more. It made him physically sick to think just how close everything had been to falling apart.

Six hours. That's how long it took to fly from New York to Los Angeles. That's how long Kendall had been waiting for any kind of news, because about eight hours before that, he had told Elle to kill herself. Or more specifically, he told her to do everyone a favor, as if the world could benefit from her not being in it. He had shared her nudes, shoved her, and admitted that it had been a bet. And he had driven her to hurt herself.

I did everyone a favor.

Those five words sent a sick chill through his bones even hours later. His heart was racing and the room was still spinning. His eyes were sore from crying and his throat was scratchy from screaming at her. He looked around the hotel suite he was in, just beyond the bedroom door, everyone was sitting around waiting for news. His friends had made no effort to see if he was okay, which he definitely deserved. He suspected the only reason he was allowed in the same room was so he wouldn't flee to the airport. Kendall had wanted to leave when Elle left, he wanted to leave when Liz left in a panic, but his friends had made it clear he wouldn't. They claimed it would only make things worse, for Elle, the band, and for him.

"Fuck." He rubbed his fists into his eyes. "Why the fuck did I say that?"

Sure, he had been pissed that Elle tweeted about him when Jo visited. But he hadn't been honest with either of them and he had been reprehensible. He had been rude to her all day and then posted those photos. She had made him mad, but she didn't deserve to die. Out the window, the New York skyline shimmered and his stomach turned as he looked down at the sidewalk. His mind was reeling. What if she was dead?

Liz had sent paramedics to the apartment. She had done it immediately after he told her about the text. But what if she had jumped? What if they found her tied up with a toppled over chair underneath her feet? How could they possibly save her from that? What if she died right after sending that text?

The clock on the wall told him that Liz would be landing soon if she hadn't already. She'd probably go straight to the hospital and then update them. Then he'd know if he had pushed Elle over the edge. And as much as he hoped she was somewhere in a hospital bed, awake and okay, he had been trying to prepare himself for the other possibility. If she was dead there was only one thing for him to do. Make things even.

The idea had come to him as soon as he realized what her goodbye text had meant. His gut reaction had been that he didn't want to live without her. The thought had fully formed in his drunken mind over the past few hours. If Elle had killed herself because of him, he sure as hell didn't deserve to live. He didn't want to be without her. And he wasn't sure he could live with the guilt anyways.

He wasn't sure how he'd do it. The veins on the underside of his wrist seemed delicate enough, as did the muscle and bones that made up his neck. The thought of it scared him and made his throat go tight. He hadn't even known he was capable of thinking such things. But he also thought he hadn't been capable of making a bet, shoving, and telling Elle to kill herself. But as he watched the cars and people pass under his feet seventeen stories below, the image of him landing on the sidewalk wasn't too hard to envision. The thought of the way all his shame and guilt would be over in an instant was appealing, but out of sheer instinct, he shuddered.

"Jesus."

When he walked out into the main room of the suite, he saw his friends on the couch in different states of worry. Carlos stared numbly at the floor, Logan was sniffing and shredding a tissue between his fingers and James wiped at his eyes. His bosses weren't too different. Kelly paced back and forth with red eyes and Gustavo's jaw was tensed and he drummed his fingers against the table.

"Hey." His voice came out rough. "Guys?"

Five sets of eyes were on him and none of them were pleased to see him. James appeared to be too angered to speak at the mere sight of him and sneered.

"What?" Carlos' tone was short.

Kendall scratched the back of his neck. "H-Have you heard anything? You know...about Elle?"

"Just that she tried to kill herself because someone was a complete dick to her." Logan was unusually gruff. "Oh wait, that was you."

He cringed at this. "I know I fucked up, but I'm worried. I love-"

"No, you don't and you saying that is offensive and gross. You weren't worried about her when you literally pushed her to the ground or shared her pictures."

Kendall held up his hands in defense as James stepped forward. "I just wanna know if, if she's-" The words were stuck in his throat. "Is Elle-?"

"No, Liz hasn't called. And unless you have a way to fix your bullshit, I suggest you get out of my face." Gustavo simply pointed to the bedroom. "Now. Try not to tell anyone to kill themselves on your way there."

"Gustavo, I know I fucked up. But I have a right to know if she's okay. I should have gone after her."

Kelly, who had been quiet for the most part, looked physically ill. "I think you've done enough. When Liz calls, you'll know. Go."

His friends and bosses' cold shoulders stung but were obviously warranted. As he retreated to the other room his mind was made up for him. If she wasn't okay, he wasn't going to be here if she couldn't be. He shut the door behind him and carelessly wiped at his face. He stared at his phone as he slid down to the floor. His lock screen was a picture of the two of them from the night before. They looked happy, they were happy. Elle drove in crazy in a way he had never felt before. He wondered if this was what people meant by when they talked about soulmates. Elle was all he thought about and it felt like she filled a void he hadn't known he had been missing. He was certain that he was in love with her, and he had been for a long time. And she was too, or least she had started to fall in love with him. Everything felt right with her at his side. But now? Elle very well could be dead and he wasn't too far behind.

He had done a little research, getting a gun would take too long. The thought of swallowing pills made him nauseous. But it was New York, there was always the subway or a tall building. All he knew was that he wanted the buzzing in his head to stop. It was constant and haunting. He wanted to blow the thought out of his head.

"I'm not yours, you don't own me. I'm leaving this tour, this stupid city, and all your bullshit. I quit."

Those had been the last words she had said to him. He didn't blame her for leaving or quitting. He had treated her like shit for such a long time. Today was unacceptable. He had been mad. But she wasn't the one who should have hurt herself. It was he who deserved it. His shoulders shook and he tucked his chin into his knees and cried. He had fucked up and there was no fixing it. He didn't want to be without her and the world would be better off without him. There was no changing his mind.

He wasn't sure how long he sat there on the floor, but it was late. He had been thinking of his family and friends. If they'd even bat an eye when he was gone. Katie and his mom had made it clear they were disgusted by him. His jaw still ached from where Carlos had landed a heavy hit, a bruise was blooming around his eye from James, and his lip was split from Logan. He just wanted everything to stop, he wanted to be with Elle, and he wanted everything to be okay. He wasn't going to be without her, but he knew if she was safe he had to stick around to make things right. But if she wasn't-

A shrill ring broke his train of thought and he scrambled to his feet. Out in the sitting room, Gustavo's back was turned to everyone as he answered. The room waited with bated breath, his friends all gripped each others' shoulders. Kelly looked like she might cry as she joined them in their huddle. Nobody even looked in Kendall's direction.

"Liz." Gustavo was out of breath. "Are you there? Is she, is she okay?"

Kendall's eyes were full of tears and his stomach flipped over with nerves. He was positive he didn't deserve any favors, but he prayed to every higher power that Elle was alive. But when Gustavo let out a low sigh, Kendall had to put his hand over his mouth to stop himself from being sick.

"Jesus Christ." The producer shook his head and took off his glasses. "I'm so sorry. Okay, yeah. Call me back."

There was a soft thud of his phone being tossed onto the table. Kendall was wracked with small sobs and looked to his friends who were holding each other. It took Gustavo a moment to turn around. It was out of character to see him with red eyes.

"That was Liz?" It was Carlos who asked, his voice was shaking. "Is Elle-?"

"Is she okay?" Kendall finished. "Fuck... is she okay?"

"No thanks to you." Gustavo shot his a look that could kill and then looked to the rest of the group. "Elle overdosed and slit her wrists. It's b-bad but she's alive. They pumped her stomach, she's going to be okay, physically at least."

Kendall could have cried if he hadn't been already. Elle was alive. He ran his hand through his hair and sucked in a breath. He felt like he might collapse and walked up to his friends. They all hugged each other and gave each other relieved smiles. Kendall held his arms out and James' face hardened.

"Get the fuck out of here, man."

The cold glares were enough to send him back to the other room. He walked back to the window and looked down to the sidewalk below him. Elle was alive, she was okay. The relief he felt was enough to make him dizzy. The guilt was still crushing but his mind was made up.

He'd do anything to make things up to her.

Kendall was grateful things had turned out differently. Every time he saw Elle, he breathed a sigh of relief. She was too good of a person to not be here. He still felt guilty for what he had done. It was even more disgusting now that he knew what Jett had done, but he was really trying to make things up to her. The past few days had seemed like a good start. He had gotten to show her his true self. He had shown her his hometown, introduced her to his mom, and then there was yesterday. It had been unexpected but it felt right. They had been drawn right back to each other and it felt like no time had passed.

The thought of her nails digging into the skin of his shoulders and the way she clung to him made Kendall smile. The guys had been curious when he got on the bus last night. They had asked if he had been with Elle and if the ice rink had been a date. It seemed that social media wondered the same thing. His notifications were full of people asking if they were back together. There were also people cautioning Elle.

RushingforElle: I hope she's careful. Kendick clearly has anger issues.

xoHarperxo: I wouldn't date someone who posted my nudes and pushed me but that's just me I guess.

It was true, he definitely did have a temper. He wouldn't blame Elle for not wanting to be with him because of it. He really tried to keep it under control but that day in New York had been too much and he snapped. Not that it made it okay, but he would never let himself get that upset with her again. He had almost lost her because of it.

His friends, his family, and the world wanted to know if they'd end up together. It felt too public for something that was about two people. He had learned from his mistakes and knew that this needed to be between them. So much of their relationship had already been on display. And as much as everyone wondered if they were back together, he was in the exact same boat. Kendall was certain that he wanted to be with her. But who knew if Elle wanted to be with him? He hoped she did though, he wanted nothing more than to make her happy. As far as he was concerned, this girl made him want to be better and he wanted to be with her forever. He was lost without her.

He thought of the Rolling Stone article, there was one line that had always stuck with him.

Watching them is like watching the sun, and the planets revolve around it. Always in sync.

That's how he thought of their relationship. Elle was the sun and he was stuck in her orbit, his whole world revolving around her. And he would be perfectly happy to stay like that. He would spend the rest of his life being pulled in by her and he would grateful for every second of it.

After being made fun of for using the skate trainer and threatening to kick them off my bus while going down the highway, we settled in for a movie. We had another five and a half hours to go and nothing but time to kill. The only thing we could agree on was a horror movie but it only held half of my attention. I was still looking through Twitter. The only thing he had tweeted was a thank you to a fan who said she liked his album. I decided the best thing to do was break the ice.

I've kidnapped your friends.

His reply was quick and I wondered if he had been debating if he should text first.

Keep them, the quiet is nice.

Being on my own bus is boring at night but I don't miss the sound of the blender. It ruins my beauty sleep.

Did you sleep last night, I was worried about you? And you don't need beauty sleep.

His concern was touching. I had spent the better part of the past few days sharing his bed because it had been the only way I could sleep. But I had taken my first sleeping pill last night and had no trouble for once.

It was okay, gotta love prescription strength sleeping pills.

Well if you ever want a natural alternative...

You just want me back in your bed, Kendork.

He replied with the shrugging emoji and I snorted. Maybe. I definitely don't hate waking up next to you.

I thought you'd be tired of having me in your bed.

Right now tired I'm because I had you in my bed.

You're welcome for that. It was a good time.

Three times, actually.

It was a flirty conversation and my lips curled into a smile and I inhaled deeply. It was easy to flirt with him, I liked it and how natural it felt. Nothing was forced we just had chemistry.

Could have been four but someone was tired...

I added an eye roll emoji before hitting send. Three dots that let me know he was typing popped up so I switched to Twitter. My mentions were mostly people talking about my album but Kendall's name was there more than once.

colorsxelle: I still can't believe Kendall did what he did and Elle still went on a date and spent the night.

RushingforElle: I hope she's careful. Kendick clearly has anger issues.

xoHarperxo: I wouldn't date someone who posted my nudes and pushed me but that's just me I guess.

The tweets left a bitter taste in my mouth and I swallowed. They had a valid point. The flirting came easy and we had fallen back into bed. But that didn't mean the Kendall Incident hadn't happened. And I came to the realization that there was no proof something like this wouldn't happen again. My phone buzzed with a text.

Kick out my friends and there could be a fourth time.

The contrast between his text and the fans' tweets made my head spin. I wanted him, I wanted him to come crawl into my bed and take off my clothes. But I didn't want him to lose his temper with me, I didn't want him to tell me I'd be doing everyone a favor if I killed myself. I didn't want to walk on eggshells and wonder when the other shoe would drop. I had done that enough. With Jett and with Kendall at the start of tour. I refused to hold my breath and wait for him to lash out.

So it didn't matter that his next text made me squirm or that the past few days had been nice. It didn't matter that I had liked waking up next to him or that he took me ice skating. I couldn't get hurt and I wouldn't. I had to protect myself.

The guys got off my bus after we finished the movie. They had a live stream and I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. I was in the rest stop parking lot, leaning against my bus with a cigarette. Kendall ambled up next to me and lit up his own. I had left him on read for an hour and he was quick to point that out.

"So did that picture leave you speechless or what?" He teased. "It's nothing you haven't seen before."

"Ha. Uh, no, I just got sidetracked." I flicked some ashed onto the ground. "I'm filming that video soon and the nominations are coming out for the Tween Choice Awards."

"You have no reason to be nervous. You put out an amazing album and your last video was great. This one will be too."

I gave him a tight smile. "Thank you. That means a lot."

Kendall took a deep drag from his cigarette and blew the smoke out slowly like he was savoring it. "My mom knows I still smoke by the way."

"Really? How'd she catch you." I thought of the way Kendall had taken great care to go out to the side of the house the other morning. "You were careful."

He laughed at himself. "I went to sit her bags down inside the airport yesterday and they fell out of my shirt pocket."

I joined in on the laughter and elbowed him."Dumbass."

"Those things are going to kill you, Kendall Donald Knight." He mimicked his mother in a high pitched voice. "I know they're bad for you but fuck, there's nothing better."

"I blame the ad agencies. They made smoking seem cool 50 years ago and it stuck." I blew a plume of smoke too. "Liz keeps printing out studies about the effects of smoking on singers. Not exactly subtle."

Kendall leaned against the bus and our shoulders brushed. "Is nicotine really worth dying over?"

"Everything that's enjoyable comes back to bite you in the ass."

As soon as I said this it reminded me of that very first time we smoked together outside Rocque Records. We had just started writing Night Like This and Kendall had been nothing but rude all week. Our smoke break had been the first time he had seemed normal. It made me dizzy to think about how much had happened between then and now. He must have been thinking the same thing because he scuffed his shoe against the ground.

"So, are we dating?"

I nearly swallowed the end of my cigarette. "What?"

"What are we? Are we back together?" He was unblinking and waited for an answer.

"I... I don't know. The past few days have been great but, but-" I searched for words.

"But you don't want to be with me?"

I shook my head. "I don't want to get hurt again."

This made him frown. "Who said I'm going to hurt you? Did I hurt you yesterday? Did I pressure you? Because I didn't mean to, I'm really sorry if-."

"No, no, no. Yesterday was fine." I backtracked when he looked offended. "It was good, I wanted to. I just think it was a mistake."

"A mistake?" He raised his voice a little and tilted his head. "Sleeping with me was a mistake?"

I rubbed my arm and fumbled for words. "I just don't think we should be together."

"Why not?" He wasn't angry but his tone was firm and his offense was clear. "I thought we had a good time together."

"It was a good time. I had fun, I just don't know if it was real."

Kendall reached for my hand. "It was real, it was so real. I wanted to show you where I came from. I've been an asshole all summer, that's not me though. I just want to prove that to you. I just want to love you."

His words made my eyes sting and I lit a new cigarette. "I don't want to get hurt."

This got under his skin because he dropped my hand and rubbed his fists into his eyes. "Fuck. Elle, I'm not going to hurt you again. I swear to god, you know that."

"But I don't know that." I hated the fact that my words made me sad and that my face was growing hot. "I had fun, thank you for the date and the sleepovers. It was sweet and thoughtful and fun but-"

"But you hate me."

He was impossible and it made me grit my teeth. "I didn't s-say that! Don't put words in my mouth. I don't fucking hate you."

"But you don't want to be with me."

"I just think we should be strangers again. Tour's over in two weeks and then we can go back to not knowing each other."

Kendall closed the gap and put his hand on my waist. "I can't go back to that. I love you, I'm not getting over you."

"Well, try. I know it sucks but so does getting my nudes shared and fucked as a bet. I can't be scared all the time."

Before he could say anything, Kelly's head popped around the corner. She looked at both of our expressions before cringing, I took the chance to wipe my face.

"Kendall, we have the livestream."

"Fuck, not now." He grumbled. "Give me two seconds, Kel."

Kelly rolled her eyes at this and left us to it. But I was grateful for the chance to escape. I flicked my cigarette to the ground and stomped it out.

"You should go."

He caught my wrist in his hand. "Elle, can't we talk about this?"

His green eyes were full of sadness and he frowned at me. "I can't be with you. I'm sorry."

"Len, please. I love you."

I pressed a hasty kiss to his lips and gave him a soft smile. The heartbroken way he looked at me was how I felt on the inside. "I'm sorry."

His fingers came up to touch his mouth and I walked away, fighting back tears. It hurt and my heart twinged from what just occured. Kendall was bad news and he was just going to hurt me again. I knew my heart would be broken eventually so I had beat him to it, hoping it would be less painful. But the churning in my stomach and the tears in my eyes told me what I already anticipated, not being with Kendall was even worse than I thought it would be.

It was agonizing and it would hurt forever, but it was for the best.

At least I hoped it was.

AN: Elle's decided to not be with Kendall and he's not too thrilled with that. What decision would you make if you were in Elle's shoes? Kendelle's so complicated but they care for each other. We also saw that Kendall's been thinking about a future with Elle and what happened when she left New York. I always like to throw in a flashback every so often for some spice. The next chapter tackles the Tween Choice nomination and will probably be a bit shorter.

Thank you for reading, I appreciate it and would be thankful if you left a review!

I plan on updating twice in September. See you in a week or so.