You'll probably start to notice the events in ME2 coming across a little fuzzy in the details - this is because my copy has been sat in a box in a storage locker for two years or so at this point, and I ain't played it in a while. So this is probably going to be a bit of a 'broad strokes' kind of deal going in.
Though, really, none of this should be taken especially seriously anyway.
Also, speaking of fuzziness, when it's going to come to travel times and especially ME travel times versus 40K travel times, things are going to be EXTREMELY fuzzy. Because, uh, the Warp. And stuff. That and I'm not actually entirely sure how quick ships even go in ME. So I'm going to ballpark what I can and bullshit the rest and see what happens.
I looked at the wiki what more do you want.
I suppose it would be ironic me thinking someone else was crazy. Would that be irony?
Then again, bear in mind that this guy did come from a ship that by all accounts really shouldn't exist. For one thing it looks, as said, like someone just chucked a piece of a cathedral into space. For another thing it's fucking huge. Impractically huge. How-could-anyone-afford-to-build-something-like-this huge.
And what was the deal with this tablet thing?
And even more pressingly what's the deal with all those skulls?
And I guess I'd be a bit out-of-sorts if I was lost. So maybe I'm being unkind.
Then again, those skulls though.
Top to bottom this definitely had to rank among one of my weirder days. Still, just another thing to roll with and at least I hadn't had to kill anyone since waking up - a definite plus in my book. Giving some strange strangers directions is probably going to be one of the flat-out nicest things I can say I'll have done for weeks now.
Leaving them to sit and keep bickering in the conference room - they'd still been at it when the door had closed behind me - I cut through the lab to get back to the CIC, figuring there'd be a pretty good place to figure out how exactly I was meant to get this data to those guys.
PS: kind of a design oversight having the briefing room only reachable by walking through either the armoury or the lab. Or is that just me? I don't design spaceships so maybe that's a stupid thing to point out.
Anyway. Other things to worry about.
"EDI, was is this thing I'm holding?" I said, stepping up to the map and frowning down at the weird tablet thing again. This didn't make it look any less confusing to me. It was close, right? Close to what I was familiar with, but different enough in enough different ways to just be confusing.
And it had more skulls on it, too.
"Unsure, Commander, it is unfamiliar to me and I am unable at this moment to interface with it in any way."
That was new. I might have raised an eyebrow at that, had I not recently singed my eyebrows off.
"That's a little unusual," I said, turning the thing over. This also told me nothing, though I did note that the back had that same two-headed eagle symbol on the back that their shuttle had. At least they got consistent branding. "This symbol mean anything to you either?"
"It is similar to several groups I am aware of, but none with the resources necessary for a ship of the sort presently sharing our orbit, Commander, and none known to operate in this area, so they should likely be discounted."
"Worth a shot. So when you say you can't interface…?"
"The device lacks most of - correct, almost all of - the system architecture I am familiar with and designed to operate with. It is difficult to determine without some manner of connection, however, and I cannot establish one. A physical connection would do much to rectify this."
Yeah, that sounded like a great idea.
"I am not plugging this random piece of whatever into you, EDI. Who knows where it's been? Right, well, we're going to have to figure out some way of getting this information to these guys. What's the simplest way, you reckon? Do we have a printer on this ship?"
"No, Commander."
I had been joking, obviously, but still. One fewer options. I scratched my chin, wincing when I caught one of the bigger scars. Kind of hoped they would have healed by now. Oh well, at least I have character.
"Probably for the best," I said, leaning over the console and just staring at the big swirl of the galaxy for answers to this very dull, technical question. Answers came there none. "This'd be so much easier if I could transfer files direct. Didn't ask about that. I should probably go back and ask if that'd work."
"The issues encountered during communication suggest a level of incompatibility between our vessels that would make a direct transfer difficult, if not immediately impossible."
That was a real long way of telling me not to bother. I ground my teeth. Incompatibility!
"However many years I spent in that navy and then all that time I spent pootling round the galaxy righting wrongs and landing on planets to just drive around in circles and I never once ran into compatibility issues. Not once! Most things you could just slather omnigel on and they'd work or just wave your hand and everything works out. And then these guys! I like variety but this is just unhelpful. Fuck, I don't know, let's just put it on magnetic tape or something. That'd be-"
My rant was interrupted because, while I was in the midst of it, I wheeled around and just-so happened to spot my elite crew of assorted, pan-galactic badasses all clustered around one of the CIC's stations looking as though they'd been collectively caught with their hand in some sort of very wide-necked cookie jar.
"Hi guys," I said, warily, eyes flicking between them in the hopes that some sort of clue might leap out at me. Nothing did, at least not until I looked at the screen they were stood around, which was showing a ceiling-mounted view of the briefing room. I could just about see our guests still arguing. And so, by connection, they'd all seen it too.
Seriously, guys?
"There a team meeting I missed?" I asked, stepping down from the map and wandering over, casual-like.
They were all stood frozen in the way that people who really hoped that you wouldn't turn around and notice them tend to stand frozen. But I had turned around, and I had noticed. Stopping in front of them I went for the 'serious' arm fold as a starting move.
"Take it you were all watching that?" I asked. I aimed to sound unimpressed but honestly the brass of them snooping in like that in a big group barely twenty feet from the actual room was pretty admirable. Knew there was a reason this was my super-group.
There seemed to be some silent disagreement among them about which one of them would have to speak first and so be the first to stick their head above the parapet, as it were. Garrus, being a solid motherfucker, stepped into the breach.
Solid as a rock that guy.
"I was calibrating something and suddenly the feed came on screen. Unlikely as that sounds," he said, gesturing over his shoulder to the station - which was still showing the feed from the room!
This security needs beefing up. Much like Garrus's excuses.
"Ah yes, the 'the magazine fell open on that page and I don't know why' excuse. And these guys?" I asked, inclining my head to the rest of them. Much more effective than pointing. It has a certain subtlety, the head incline.
"They were helping me fix it," he said. The others all nodded.
"Sure, let's go with that. Come to any conclusions while trying to fix it?"
Everyone looked at everyone else, trying to work out whether this was some sort of trap I was preparing to spring and whether speaking up would lead to me yelling at them. This was weighed against their obvious desire to give their observations to me, their wonderful Commander.
Jacob cracked first.
"Commander, are you buying any of this about them being lost?" He asked. Which gave me pause.
"You get that?"
"EDI was translating," he said, as though this wasn't a big deal. There I was having to grapple with someone obviously still coming to terms with the lingo and there was everyone eavesdropping and having the hard work done for them!
"She was? She wasn't for me!" I groused.
"You did not appear to require assistance," EDI chipped in. I direct my angry expression upwards, because how else do you talk to a spaceship.
"Your faith in me buoys my heart. Sidebar EDI: did you notice them hacking into the feed like that?"
"I logged the attempt."
"Well, at least you were paying attention. You manage to translate that, uh, whatever they were speaking when they were talking amongst themselves?" I asked, semi-hopeful.
"I have not yet been able to translate the language they are using to conspire, Commander, but I have developed something workable around what appears to be their primary dialect. Uploaded to your omnitool now."
Better late than never.
"Conspiring is a very strong word, EDI," I said with a frown.
"It was conjecture on my part, Commander. I am sixty-five percent sure that they were conspiring."
Pretty good odds, by most anyone's standards.
"What margin of error should I allow for AI paranoia?"
"Perhaps thirty percent, Commander."
"That's pretty high."
"It pays for an AI to be open to be conscious of possible risks."
"I bet," I said, only then remembering that I was still standing there in front of the lot of them and that Jacob had actually asked me a question. I shook my head and heaved back on topic. "Right, yes. Uh, I do believe them, yes, because of the sheer amount of stuff about them that just doesn't add up. I mean, everything about them is just...well, like nothing I've seen. Unless I missed something in the last two years?"
There was a general shaking of heads.
Jacob had a follow up:
"Do you think we can trust them?"
"No idea. You saw how that talk went. Seems like they're pulling in different directions, doesn't it? That Jarrion guy seems nice enough and since he's in charge I think that's a positive sign. And, hey, they didn't blow us to bits. That's a good start, right?"
"He say anything about that ship?" Garrus asked.
By this point everyone on-board had seen the space-cathedral. How could anyone have resisted?
"It's called the Assertive. Came from a wreck, he says. From a navy, he says. Not any navy I'd ever heard of - the Imperium I think he said? News to me. Oh, and get this: that thing? Our man says that's a light cruiser."
Collective disbelief.
"That can't be right, that must be a mistranslation," Garrus said, mandibles flickering. I could hardly blame him his doubt. Light cruiser indeed. I'd hate to see one of their dreadnoughts. Probably be the size of a fucking moon.
"That's what he said. Ridiculous, right? Thing's bigger than the Destiny Ascension and it's a light cruiser. Hell, it's bigger than that Collector ship that, you know, killed me."
Probably shouldn't have mentioned that. Kind of put a damper on things. I noticed the mood take a dip.
"Whatever. Look, I'd love to stand and shoot the shit with you guys but I'm meant to be giving them some data, actually. Hey EDI did we ever conclude how we were going to do that?"
"We did not, Commander."
"Christ, do we have any spare tablets of our own we can palm off to them? Put the data on that then hand it over? Then it's their problem."
This was me just tossing ideas out there. I'll be the first to admit that my skillset is mainly based around shooting things and more generalised mediation - technical details are not my strong point. Unless it involves omnigel, obviously, but that barely needs mentioning. That stuff's great, just slather it on.
"I will have Yeoman Chambers do that, Commander," EDI said.
Long walk round the houses for a real simple fucking solution. Probably should have just asked Kelly in the first place. She's a helpful soul.
"Success at last! I'm sure they can figure it out. Then they can be off and I can launch a few more probes - still think we got a handful of them just itching to go and I'm real close to some of those projects you got listed in the lab, Mordin. Who's got two thumbs and wants sub-dermal armour? This lady, that's who," I said, giving the standard dual thumbs up to the bafflement of all aliens present.
Honestly though being a cyborg was pretty great. I guess I'm more cyborg than most and personally cost more than most spaceships so maybe I'm biased, but still. It's pretty great.
"Commander, the Illusive Man would like to speak with you," EDI said.
This was so out of nowhere I actually thought I'd maybe imagined it. No such luck though. I jerked a - raised from mere seconds ago - thumb over my shoulder to where the conference roughly was.
"What, right now? I'd have to take the call back there! In the conference room! That's where I left the guests! Ugh, nothing is ever easy."
Seriously. If life isn't big catastrophes it's minor inconveniences, if it's not one thing it's another bloody thing.
"He says it's time-sensitive," EDI said.
I groaned, rubbed my temples, felt the teeny-tiny bumps of some of the screws there that were holding my skull together. Ye Gods but that's disconcerting. Okay maybe being a cyborg isn't all sunshine and rainbows when you really think about what's involved.
"I bet he fucking does," I grumbled. Not that is made the problem go away. "Fine, fine. I'll just have to tell them to clear out a minute, talk to 'IM Who Must Be Obeyed. We can put this whole thing behind us. Launch some probes. Get back on to doing our depressing job of rounding up bodies for a meat grinder the other end of a relay in the middle of buttfuck who-knows-where."
Putting one hand to my hip I wagged a finger at my super-group.
"Right, you lot. Back to work. I'm sure you've all got things you could be doing."
A mildly ashamed chorus of assent and they all sloped off. I stopped Jacob as he passed.
"I'm going to ask them to wait in the hanger in a sec - would you mind walking them down?"
"Sure thing Commander," he said.
I rather liked Jacob, honestly. He seemed like a solid fellow.
And, right at that moment, the practical choice. I'd seen that guns only came up when our guests saw aliens. Figure that one out.
Also while I'm on the subject hadn't I seen the older guy - Torian, I think that was his name? - pull out a revolver? Where the hell did he dig up one of those? Or was it just a novelty weapon made to look like a revolver? And if so, who the hell would do that?
These guests really were something else, but in some way I really couldn't put my finger on.
While everyone else returned to whatever it was they had been doing before spying on me I moved back to the conference room via the armoury, Jacob following behind. He waited just outside while I entered. It seemed that in my absence they'd finally finished arguing, and were now sitting in somewhat sullen silence.
On my entrance, that same very-clearly-practised smile came immediately back onto Jarrion's face.
"Commander! Was starting to worry you'd forgotten about us."
"Sorry, technical sorry again but the chap who's bankrolling this particular venture wants a word with me and I can only take it in this room. I'll have the data you need ready shortly and have it brought to you if don't mind waiting in your shuttle?"
Jarrion waved a hand like this wasn't a big deal, while his cronies just kept staring at me the way they tended to. Except the lady with the blindfold, for obvious reasons, though the way she just sort of looked in my direction did kind of make me uncomfortable.
Always with the smirking.
"By all means," said Jarrion with a little bowing bob of the head.
"Thank you. Here's your, uh, here's your this. We sorted something else out," I said, handing back the tablet he'd given me which he took with only mild surprise, which quickly passed as he tucked it back into that nice jacket of his.
I should get me one of those.
"We do appreciate this, Commander. It would be my pleasure to return the favour as and when you require it," said Jarrion, standing, followed shortly by the others. All smooth this one. I just shrugged.
"It's alright. Was hardly going to hang you out to dry. I have a crewman outside who can escort you to the hanger."
Jarrion hesitated, smile flickering.
"Is it, ah, are they-"
"They're human," I said, flatly, and he visibly relaxed.
"Ah. Good. Thank you."
He made no further comment or explanation on this, and I was profoundly grateful. The less said about that sort of the thing the better, really. Always a little distracting knowing that the guy smiling at you and being friendly and altogether actually alright is also, you know, a xenophobe.
Such is life.
At anyrate, Jarrion and his lot cleared out after this, Jacob taking them back down while I picked a chair and dragged it back away from the table.
"Alright, put him through," I said and no sooner had the words passed my lips then the lights dimmed and the table sank into the floor. Very swish, all this.
And then came the hologram. The Illusive Man - and, again, can we pause and appreciate how pretentious that name is - was sitting too, but that was pretty normal.
"Shepard," he said before pausing, glancing around. How much he could see doing this was unclear, but I'm guessing he could see enough to notice that I'd added furniture. "You've put chairs in this room."
"Yeah, I did."
He looked at me quietly a moment.
"If this is some attempt to rattle-"
"No, no, nothing like that. I just didn't like having to stand when I was explaining things to people. To what do I owe this pleasure, anyway? Got something for me?" I asked.
"Don't interrupt me, Shepard."
"Sorry. Communications lag," I said.
"It's - " he said, before realising that continuing to rise to my bait would be pointless. Instead he just took a drag, stubbed out the dog end he'd been finishing off before fishing out and lighting a fresh one. "Some information has reached me that I feel may be of some use to you. We've had forewarning of a Collector attack on a colony."
That one actually got me.
"Forewarning? How'd you manage that?"
"Now is not the time to explain the methods involved. That there is time for you to reach the colony in question and prevent the attack from happening is what you should be focusing on. Has Mordin Solus' work on the countermeasure born fruit?"
"He seemed to be doing pretty good last time I checked."
"Well I hope whatever final touches he needs to make can be done on the way. Time is of the essence for this mission, Shepard - we may not get another chance like this."
As much as I disliked the guy - and I did - he wasn't wrong. Being on the backfoot with the Collectors had really been starting to get under my skin, and the chance of being able to catch them with their pants down was electrifying.
Or, even better, being there when they arrived!
Actually, that might end badly for us. Probably best to arrive midway through, catch them by surprise. In which case we'd still need to leave sharpish.
"Alright. Where is it?"
"Horizon, Iera, Shadow Sea. The relevant details have already been forwarded."
I did a quick mental run-through of where that might be and how to get there. About two jumps, maybe? Pretty long jumps agreeably if memory served, but basically just a hop, skip and a, well, jump.
"Alright. Alright alright alright. I'll see what I can do. Anything else?" I asked.
"While you're here, I've also received word that you've encountered an unusual vessel," he said, recrossing his legs and brushing ash off his sleeve. So casual.
Jesus, someone onboard works fast. I'm not even going to bother acting surprised - my general stance with the Illusive Man is that, unless it's happening in my head, he's probably going to find out about it somehow. Guys like that always do.
Really going to enjoy pulling the rug out from under him at some point.
"Nothing gets past you, eh? What of it? You know something about them we don't?"
Puffing he shook his head, stubbing out again and this time just lacing his fingers in front of him, arms resting by his sides.
"I can't say I do, which is unusual. Were this not such a critical moment I would ask you to keep an eye on them. For now, I just wanted your impressions."
"Of them? Uh, I only just met the guys. They're lost," I said. I wasn't sure what else he wanted me to say.
"So I heard. Human though."
"Well yes I did notice that."
He sighed, as though I was somehow a disappointment.
"Perhaps it can be further investigated once the Collector matter has been concluded. For now, I suggest you head to Horizon," he said, waving a hand at me. Dismissing me, clearly. Charming stuff.
"Aye aye, skip. I'll send you a postcard," I said.
I cut the link before I could get his response. The lights came back up, the table returned, and I took a moment to gather myself.
Probably should try to be more professional but, hey, I died that one time and there's fleets of deep-voiced deathships closing in on the galaxy to murder everyone and no-one in charge wants to listen to me about it. I think I earned the right to be a little grouchy and short with people. Especially pricks who sit and smoke and stare at a sun all the time.
But still. Stuff to do. Colony to save, aliens to shoot.
Navigational data to hand over.
I was about halfway through standing up again when I thought that last part, and I paused.
An idea had popped into my head.
It was a very dumb idea, obviously. I could point out the holes and gaps in it from a mile away, but still the idea persisted. It just sat there, the gravity of it dragging in all my attention. I wasn't even sure why. I couldn't shake it!
Jarrion had said he owed me a favour, and he was just downstairs...
And his massive ship with all those guns was just outside...