AN: Of Course Krum is not French… that is half the Joke. The Idea was to treat the whole thing like Gomes and Morticha. Of Course Harry is Straight… but he likes his running gags. He will also know Flure is French, but will treat her like she is a New Yorker. While He can speak French, he uses 'bad French' when teasing Krum.
HPDB
01/11/94 06:30
Scotland Highlands
Hogwarts.
Snake pit, Dorm.
Rolling to his Feet, 'Harry' stretched, before padding to the bathroom. Returning to the dorm, he Changed his jockey briefs and Kilt. Both still Black, it was more to be Hygienic.
He then wondered, first out to the Common room, Then out to the Front Stoop of the Castle. Standing on the steps, he stretched, before moving out into the courtyard. There he began his Morning Tai-Chi. Thirty minutes of slow precise movement, dragging his body's energy in and about the centred points of his body. Next was fifteen minutes of a Kata that was a blur of movement, speed and power.
As He landed from a flipping, double spin kick, that had he been in real combat, would have 'thrown' two bolts of spell-fire at his target, he was forced to duck as a blue-green feathered Lizard-Chicken the Height of a medium dog tried to pin him to the ground.
He spent twenty minutes rough housing with the beast, before calling it to order. A swipe of his hand, and he was clean, and orderly. Another and so was the Lizard-chicken. $How was Your Hunt?$
$Tasty. Crunchy.$ It's tongue flickered in excitement. $Aggressive!$
$So you had Fun.$
$Yes. Belly full. Bloodlust empty.$ The scaly head rubbed along his knee. $Not need to hunt for days$
As the duo returned to the Castle, he noticed that he had collected a group of watchers. He waved cheerly to the Leather and Furred dressed Battle Mages. He ignored the light blue dressed Damsels in training. And he grinned at the Black Robed students hosting him and the others.
He followed his nose to the Great Hall where he looked about.
"Where to Sit?" He murmured, before looking towards his knee. "Any idea, Lurch?"
The lizard wagged it's tail like the dog he treated it like, and 'barked'.
"What are you doing here?" a nasally voice spoke from behind him. "Can you not tell when you are not wanted?"
"Oh goody. A Meal and a Show." Harry grinned as he turned to face the blond from last night. "Yes, I can. And unlike You, those who want me here, are actually Here." he looked at the group that had been behind him. Two Thugs, like from a bad Chicago Mobster flick. And there was the Moll, tight little body, with an upturned nose, leaning on her 'keeper's' arm. And there was the button-man. The Man that did the things you couldn't, but did not trust to the thugs.
"Ah, Don Malfoy. What brings you all the way from York, to our fair windy castle?" 'Harry' put on a bad 'New Jersey Accent'. "Don't tell me that the Fuzz ran you out of town."
Twenty or so Muggleborn started to snicker at the two making noise at the Door. Everyone outside of Malfoy's group, backed off to give them room.
"If you won't take the Hint, maybe I will have to have Crabbe and Goyle explain it to you." Malfoy sneered.
$Lurch. Cover.$ The short hissing was overlooked by everyone thinking that 'Harry' was just breathing. The thick muscle-heads stepped forward, Harry snapped two quick roundhouse kicks to their chests, sending them flying back passed the group into the hallway behind them. "Ah… no." Potter cracked his knuckles. "Try something like that again, and I will rain Slap-agadon down on you so Hard… your arm candy will call me 'Daddy'."
"In your Dreams, Half-breed." Pansy sneered.
Suddenly Potter was towering over her, his naked, sculpted chest inches from her padded bust. "Did you just ask me to Breed?"
Pansy screamed and fled.
"Tease." Harry pouted.
"Vut is going on here?" Krum had arrived.
"Moan-a-mi!" Potter was at his side, speaking in a breathless tone of voice. "I missed your delicate tones."
"Be gone, Flea!" The ruffian Seeker brushed past, hedging for their Table.
"Oui, Madame Sail." Potter sighed as he watched the red leather robed brute walk away.
"Pourquoi le traitez-vous comme s'il était français ?" Fleur asked.
Harry smiled at her, and in a Bronx accent, "Because it throws him off his Game. And before you ask, I am not a Wizard's Wizard either. Now You. You look like you could be fun, if you were not so … Manhattan. You know what they say… Save a Broomstick, Ride a Wizard." He popped her bum, "or in my case, A Dragon." He blew her a smoke Ring, as he saw something that drew his attention… "Excuse me."
He wandered to the table filled with the trimmed of blue and bronze. He stopped to watch a blond use her wand to mould her banana pudding into something resembling a unicorn…
"Is that…" He began.
"A crumple horned snorkack." the Blond turned her bulging silver eyes to him.
"Huh? On the 'My Little Pony'. No, I was asking about the Pudding." Harry sat across from her.
"Oh, yes!" Her Smile reached her eyes, "Banana-cream Pudding." then she frowned quite cutely, "Why? You want some?"
"No, but I was really hoping for a hot Peanut Butter Pudding with chocolate chips." He poured a mug of Coffee, before two lumps of sugar, and a heavy pour of cream.
"My little pony?" the blond cocked her head.
"An American amusement centred around a race of talking equines." Harry snagged a roll, before ripping into it with his teeth. "I will show you after Beltane." A sip of coffee. "What is a Witch like you doing in a Place like this?"
"Are you saying that I am notGood enough for Hogwarts?" the Silver eyes became focused.
"More like Hogwarts is not good enough for you." Harry snorted. "Exactly what sub-Class you are eludes me, but you are a Seer, and something tells me that you can touch what you see."
"So, the 'Drake' can be Taught." the Blond spoke in a deep tone, before flashing him a smile and the Ditzy blond was back.
"Hey you 'Slimy Snake', go back to your own table." A Redhead wearing Robes with a Gold and red trim, glared at Harry. "Loony does not need any of your Freakiness rubbing off on her.
"Morning Ronald." the Blond sighed.
Harry sat up to look at the new Wizard. $Lurch. Guard.$ Lurch bolted out from under the Table, 'Barking' at the redheaded wizard's robe hem.
"Ahh!" 'Ronald' screamed as he fell over backwards, to the laughter of the rest of the hall.
$Stinky Feet! Go Away!$ the feathered beast snarled.
$Lurch. Heel$ and the knee high Lizard-bird ducked back under the bench and table.
The Blond glared at Harry. "What was That?"
"Lurch." a big bowl of light brown steaming hot sludge covered with bits of chocolate appeared in front of the American. "My Familiar." a spoonful of his goo, and he hummed. "Not to be confused with My Owl, Hedwig, who came and found me, three years ago."
"And just exactly is Lurch?" The Lizard head appeared at Harry's elbow, as it's tongue tasted the air about the witch.
$Asia (Ah-saa). But younger. Cuddles?$ Lurch used his limited vocab.
Harry coughed. "Lurch is a Bonded Snallygasher. He has asked for permission for cuddles." Harry sipped his coffee, as he watched the Blond frown in confusion. "Meaning he wants to cuddle and receive affection from you. He is a feathered lizard that likes to think he is a dog. My fault really. I was about six when I found and bonded to him. I knew Muggles had pet dogs, and so I treated him like a dog. Cuddles. Fetch. Hunt. All the Muggle dog commands. He even shakes." Another bite of the PB pudding. "So, Does he have permission to Cuddle?"
"Yes." The blond was happy at the idea.
$Cuddle. Gentle.$ the lizard head vanished just before something large crawled into her lap.
"Now that poster-child for 'birth control', brought up an interesting topic." Harry lowered his head so that he was looking at the blond from under her brow ridges. "While you are petting my lap-lizard, what are the options of 'rubbing off' on you?"
The blond froze. "That is very forward of you." The 'child' was gone, as a more 'adult' personality answered the question. "At this moment, you will have to handle your own 'rubbing'."
"Mister Potter." A scottish brogue dropped on the two of them. "What is this I hear of you attacking Mister Weasley?"
"Who?" Harry looked at the elder witch with her hair pulled back tight under a cross of a conical hat and a deerstalker cap. She waved a hand at Ronald.
"Is that what that 'Stinky Feet' said? That I attacked him?" Harry stood. "No Professor, I did not attack Him. Malfoy's bodyguards might have a case, but this 'Anal Growth' first assaulted me and my Dining Partner, then ordered me to my table. I was not informed of seating assignments last night, and while I can go elsewhere, I do not think that my conversation with this Lass is quite over with, yet."
"I see. And if I were to take points from Slytherin?" The Professor asked, arching an eyebrow, her eye flickering of his lack of trim.
"I would question Why you are docking their points. I am not Slytherin, even if I am bunking there."
"That was why you were sorted." The Witch frowned.
"Why?" Harry cocked his Head, "I am not a Student of this School! I am a Guest!"
"Mister Potter." the Scot stiffened, "Then why were you Sorted?"
"Ask the old fool." Harry snarled. "Is He Trying to Bind me twice? I will gut him!"
"That will Do, Mister Potter." the Professor turned away.
Harry sat and went to take another bite of his pudding… only to find it gone! And the blond had a light brown and dark brown smudge on her upper lip.
"Ah, Miss. I did not get your Name."
"Luna Lovegood." She cocked her head, "But some call me Loony."
"Miss Luna." Harry nodded, "Would you agree that stealing someone's pudding is a serious crime?"
"Yes." The Blond nodded. "Few crimes rank higher." she scratched absently behind Lurch's left ear.
"And if One does the Crime, They should face a punishment of equal seriousness. Correct?"
Again she nodded, as she continued to stroke his 'lap-lizard'.
Harry stood, and rounded the table to sit beside her, his back to the table. "Miss Lovegood. You stand accused of stealing my Pudding. I take my Vengeance!" He licked her face, wiping the smudge away, before kissing her deeply.
HPDB
A Blond and Brunette in green trim waited to ambush the Blond in Blue.
"Lovegood." The Blond stepped out to prevent her from moving passed, as the brunette covered the way back.
"Greengrass. Not-Greengrass."
"I will be blunt, Lovegood. WE want a piece of Potter too." Daphne stepped to where her robed bust was inches from the other blond's slighter bust. "With that Scene in the Great Hall, just a few minutes ago, He is all but yours. You just have to declare him yours. We want in. I need a Continuation to keep Greengrass away from Malfoy. We have Tracy as his Prime, and you and me on the side…"
"You saw his aura." Tracy whispered in the younger witch's ear. "Is one Witch enough to sait him and his … appetites?"
"Should you not ask me?" a dark growl rumbled behind Tracy Daves.
Three witches turned to look.
A frowning Potter stood there. At his knee, a lizard's head licked the air in their direction.
Luna smirked. "Harry Potter. I am not interested in you that way. As a Magi-zoologist, my only interest in you is Lurch."
"He understands basic english." Harry grinned, "But only knows about twenty commands. During Lunch, he can show off. Better get to class. It seems that I have a couple of witches that Need to talk to me." He leered.
Luna looked between the witches and the outsider, before she stepped around Daphne and skipped off down the hall.
Tracy turned and ran her fingers over the Kilted Wizard's chest. "We have class in a few minutes… but we have a free period after lunch. We talk then?"
"Okay." Harry's grin was all sunshine and light. "Lunch." And he and Lurch were gone.
HPDB
Hermione Granger had a free period before lunch, and so she went looking for the American Wizard. She found him working on his unarmed combat. She knew the basics… after all her Father did the same every Saturday morning before breakfast. Then he would spend the day at one of his 'Clubs'. Sometimes he would take her with him.
As the bare chested male came to a stop, she stepped forward. "Which form do you practice?"
"Saotomi Anything Goes." was the immediate answer with a grin.
Hermione puckered her lips as she nodded. "Okay." She drew her wand, and hosed him. [Aquamenti] "So Ran-ma, you have yet to go to the cursed springs?"
Harry laughed as he waved a hand over himself, wiping the water aside and drying himself almost instantly. "I see you have read or seen the classics." He waved a hand to a bench to the side. "Join me, Witch. Time has come to speak of many things, of ships and sealing wax, of Cabbages and Kings."
"And now you are quoting Carroll." Hermione sat, dropping her book bag. It was a Muggle Beast, more a Sailor's rucksack than a messenger bag.
"Damn!" Harry peered at the bag, before lifting it in a curl. "How many classes are you taking?"
"Today?" She frowned, "Five. There are six hours of class per day, plus lunch, five days per week. To prevent burn out and to allow for homework, one period is for study hall or library research. The Teachers try to give us one hour per day, but I have six hours of class on Tuesdays, plus Astrology that night, but only have four hours of class on Wednesdays, both are double period classes."
"And so here we sit. Waiting for Lunch…" Harry grinned.
His grin did things to her insides. Both as a Prime Male… and as an apex predator smiling at it's prey. In an attempt to regain her control she looked about. "Say, Potter, Where is your little friend… I wanted to say Hello."
Harry let out a sharp whistle.
From the shrubbery, burst the feathered two legged lizard. It ran up to the wizard, where it nuzzled his knee, before turning it's head toward her and it tasted the air. Then it had a 'crackle-pur'. Then Harry returned the noise.
"He asks for your name. Says you taste like a cat."
"Well I have a half Kneazle…" She tried to say.
"No, not that you have a cat." Harry grinned, "But that you are a pussy cat."
"Oh." She looked away, "That." and her ears moved from the side of her head to the top. "Potion mishap." She turned back, sporting the furry face of a humanoid cat.
"Holy Shit!" Harry scooted closer, grinning, as his eyes shifted from human to a more reptilian base. "Another Half-breed. Mistress will want to know."
"Who?" Her frown caused her to retract her kitty features.
"My Mistress. A halfbreed Mage. She hates being called a witch. Her Bloodlines include a Raven that gives her a sharp beak of a nose." Harry eased back. "She was pleased when she tested powerful enough to call herself a Mage. She oversees my basic instruction in Magic. It was her that took me in at the age of three and began my education. By the time I was twelve, she had taught me the basics of Charms, Transfiguration, Runes, and Astrology. She got me a tutor in Potions, and Magi-zoology. At thirteen, she took me to China, and left me at a temple. There I learned Wu-shu, and the Art of the Dragon, Long Zhua. I was handed off last month to Master Raidan, to learn Elemental magics, but just as I got started, I got grabbed and yanked here."
The Lizard creature waddled closer to Hermione and 'purred' as it's tongue flickered at her.
"No you can't eat her pussy." Harry said with a straight face.
"What was that?" Hermione was shocked by the words coming from this 'guy'.
"He smelled your cat, and asked for permission to 'Hunt' it." Harry answered. He then issued a crackle purr of his own.
The winged lizard whined, before curling up under the bench.
"And now he is sulking." Harry sighed. "I am enjoying chatting with you, but we seem to have skipped a major step here." He smiled, before offering his hand, "Hello there. I am Harry Potter. Lord of the Slap-a-gedeon."
"Hermione Granger." The kitty-witch shook his hand, "And I must ask; Slap-a-gedeon?"
"A joke between me and Zimbani at Malfoy's expense." He gave her an easy smile, before it turned dark. "You are my Friend. As my Friend, I need to if He ever bad-mouths you. And not just Malfoy. That Redhead causes my hand to itch too."
"Ron Weasley?" Hermione frowned.
"I believe so. Luna called him Ronald during breakfast this morning." Harry frowned, and it was as if the Sun had fallen behind a cloud. "What do you know of two witches in the green trim," he reached out and tweaked her robe's scarlet trim, "They were a blond and a brunette… about your age. The Blond was bossy, calm, even chilly."
"Ah. The Chilly was what gave it away. She is the Ice Queen. Rumoured to have frozen an older lad's stones when he tried to pressure her into activities of an unsavoury sort. Daphne of House Greengrass, and her side-kick Tracy Daves." Hermione crinkled her nose. "Minor Power in the Snake-pit. The only real opposition to Malfoy in the Pit, and rarely outside of it." A thrust of her chin at a group of Greenhouses on the far side of the courtyard, "Longbottom is the only real opposition outside of the Pit. The only one who has more clout and money than Malfoy, but getting him to fight back is like getting an Ent to fight."
"And like old Treebeard, a true beast when angered." Harry nodded.
"Yeah, Last year, He took on both Crabbe and Goyle at the same time, and left them bleeding on the flagstones. Ron often mouths off at Malfoy, but Snape is usually there to keep it from getting too out of hand."
Just then the great clock struck Noon.
"Elf!" Potter called. A small creature appeared before him, dressed in a pillow case worn as a toga. "Picnic-Lunch for three, please. Include pudding too please." the creature bobbed, before vanishing.
"Potter!" the Witch drew herself up, "Are you supporting the enslavement of another People?"
"Eh?" Harry frowned at her, "Oh! I see. You are applying Twentieth Century British Mundane Principles to a Non-human issue. Would you dictate to a China man how to cut his hair or wear his clothes?" He drew up his Chin, "Or how about a Russian and His Vodka?" He crossed his arms, "Would force a Centaur to wear clothes, or a Goblin to live in a Loft?"
"No… but this is slavery!"
"No. It is closer to indentured servitude." Harry smiled, and the sun came out. "While there are Ass-hats out there who abuse the Bond, the common House Elf is a Parasite on the ass of euro-descendant wizard-kind. They Serve to better gain access to Wizards and their magic. Short of outright killing them, there is little that can harm a properly bonded House Elf. They drain Magic from the core or cores of their wizard and or family. They are as loyal as a dog, smart as a cat, and when angered, nastier than a nesting mother dragon." Harry stood, "Then there is what they do. As they eat our shed magic… think of it like dandruff, they too shed magical energy. Their shed energy reinforces the Wards, feeds the garden, both muggle and magical, and their very presence wards off certain pests and diseases. When the First Wizard accepted the bond rather than killing the Elf, he profited, and when he shared the wealth, all of wizard-kind prospered. Then the Muggles evolved to find slavery wrong, and now you are in conflict."
"Just how big is your Dragon?" Hermione asked. "I have never heard of a bigger pile of shit!"
"Just big enough that my Witch is sore after a good ride, but she will want to ride again." Harry leaned back, and leered. "I would say 'ask an Elf,' but you would just cry that they were brainwashed. Just remember, don't piss them off. They are descended from the Fae of Old. Pranking comes easily, and can turn nasty quickly."
The Elf delivered a large picnic hamper and a quilt. He bobbed a bow, and popped away.
Harry stood and snapped out the quilt, covering the ground. As he sank to his knees, he lifted the hamper to the centre of the quilt. "Are you joining us?"
"Us?" Hermione asked with a frown.
"Yes. Luna should be here shortly." Harry smiled wider.
"How did you know?" asked a light voice from the steps.
"You are a 'Seer'. Very little escapes your 'Sight' when you look." Harry opened the Hamper and started unpacking. "I have cold fried chicken, Ham and cheddar sandwiches, egg salad sandwiches, three kinds of pudding… a jug of pumpkin juice, three goblets, and a cheesecake."
Lurch was at his side, crackle-purring.
"Okay, you can have the chicken bones and One, I repeat, ONE egg salad sandwich." The lizard-bird settled like a hen nesting, and coiled it's heavy tail about it.
Luna walked around Harry, leaning down to kiss him on the mouth, and snagged two puddings.
"Minx. One kiss is for the first offence. The second offence means that I get to tongue you as often as I please."
The blond cocked her hips and raised an eyebrow.
"Of course, as a repeat offender, you will no doubt use the time between my kissing you, to continue your acts of theft of my pudding." Harry poured the juice into the three goblets, passing one to Hermione, who had followed Luna onto the quilt.
"Full access to your pudding, to Lurch, and being manhandled by the man-meat that half the school is drooling over?" Luna melted into a sitting position across from Harry. "I can live with that. But if Greengrass…"
"As long as I have your permission to Harem…" Potter snagged a piece of chicken, and stripped it to the bone, before he chucked towards the greenhouses. Lurch bolted out, running low, his wings slightly spread as aid in his running, and he snagged the bone from the air, as he swung wide and trotted back, cracking and crunching the bone in his teeth.
"Oh Look!" Malfoy drawled from the top of the steps. "The Freak and the Loony out walking their pet… and a feather lizard."
Rubbing his thumb over his fingers Harry sighed. "As I was telling you earlier, Hermione…" Harry stood.
"The First Warning of the Coming Doom was The Crack!
Beware Fools, Wisemen and the Blind.
The First Sign is the Bitch Smack.
As the Lord repays Slights in Kind.
For now is the Slap-a-gadeon!"
Luna shook her head as if to clear it, then sneered as Harry brought his open palm down across Draco's left cheek.