Double or Despair

by Glitterb1234

Sequel to Double or Nothing. The Swan twins and Cullen siblings continue trying to maintain the delicate balance of life lived between the human and vampire worlds... even as disaster strikes.

4. Chapter 3: The End

Hello all! How are we doing?

I will be upfront and admit that this chapter is going to follow the basic outline of canon. I know some people may be upset by that, but sadly if I don't put this bit in, I don't really have a story. It pains me, too, believe me.

Someone in guest reviews asked if I would be uploading on Saturdays. Saturday is typically my day to do editing since I keep it free from work obligations, however I am going to be taking a bit of a break from this story. This chapter took me a long time and was very difficult to get through; as I'm sure our dear Mrs Meyer can tell you, this part of the story is rather taxing on the old mental health, and without going into too much detail, I haven't been doing great in that department recently. With that in mind, I'm planning to write and post the next chapter of No Reward Without Risk before I come back to this, just to give myself a bit of a palette cleanser, so to speak. I'm so sorry that this will mean an even longer wait for the next part of Double or Despair, but I hope to be back on this by August, September at the absolute latest.

For now, who's ready to get their heartbroken? *presses post and hides*

Glitterb x

Chapter 3: The End

When I woke up the next morning, I rather wished I hadn't. I felt like death warmed over, and I was still exhausted after a very restless night; I'd been spared the nightmares I was expecting only because the pain in my arm hadn't let me sleep deeply enough to dream, even after the painkillers. Now I'd developed a pounding headache to go along with it, one which was only made worse by the anxiety that flooded through me as Edward said his goodbyes with nothing more than a passing peck on my forehead. I didn't know whether I should be pleased that he had stayed all night, or worried about what he had been thinking about while I was asleep.

It had always been a problem in our relationship; I knew I could have an influence on him when I could talk to him, when I could see his face and try to head off his moods as soon as they began to become apparent. But when we were apart, or I was asleep, there was no telling where his mind would stray to. He had tried to describe to me once or twice what his typical train of thought was like (always keeping the topic light and fluffy in a clear and deliberate effort that had absolutely made me wonder what he wasn't telling me) and he'd admitted that it was hard to speak it all out loud at a speed that I could understand. Given that he'd talked without a breath for two straight minutes in one of these demonstrations, I could only imagine how fast his brain could actually work, how much he could manage to think about in the space of one night as I slept.

Had he been ruminating on right and wrong again? What conclusions had he come to? I hadn't missed that he never agreed not to obsess over the party – had he obeyed my decree or gone on treating it like a joke? I took another two painkillers as I got ready for school, praying they would help at least take the edge off, and picked out a long-sleeved shirt to hide the bandage.

Charlie was in a screaming hurry to get to work (one of his deputies had called in sick and left them shorthanded) and didn't notice my mood, dashing out of the house as Beau and I sat down to breakfast with the most cursory of goodbyes. My brother, on the other hand, saw that something was wrong immediately.

"Are we not in a better mood today?" he teased, poking the crease in my forehead. "Don't worry, the dreaded day is over. You can relax for another year."

I swatted his hand away and went back to eating my cereal.

"Seriously, what's up?" His look of concern became more pronounced. "You still thinking about last night?"

"Sort of," I hedged with a half-shrug; Beau raised one eyebrow, and I sighed heavily, resigned to telling him everything as usual. "Edward's taking it all on himself…"

"Of course he is."

"Yeah. Although, to be fair, I tried to take my share of the blame, too. That just upset him more, so I was trying to convince him that… I don't know, that it didn't matter. At least to let it go and move on, because on balance, I'm totally fine. But I don't think he completely believed me, and he was kind of distant this morning…" I debated sharing the next part before deciding it couldn't hurt. "And there was this kiss last night that was nothing like normal. It felt like… like when he left in March, like he didn't know when he'd get to do it again. Like he was saying goodbye."

Beau made a disgruntled noise. "Ah, that old chestnut. Edythe said he was being an idiot again – don't worry, she didn't give me details."

One aspect of dating vampires that could easily become a problem in the wrong circumstances was their incredibly powerful hearing. Edward and Edythe were both more than capable of overhearing anything that was said in or around our house, not to mention that Edward could hear the thoughts of everyone but me, both in the building and beyond. After a lot of embarrassing eavesdropping in the early days of our relationship, it had been mutually agreed that what was happening in one bedroom would not be discussed in the other unless absolutely necessary.

"Did she get in a mood over your head?" I asked. After all, I wasn't the only one who had gotten hurt last night.

He shrugged. "Not really. She apologised a few times, but I just kept telling her I was fine and trying to take her mind off it. I let her fuss a bit, cracked a few jokes… I think when she saw I was still my normal self, it made her feel better. She's used to me getting injured these days, so she doesn't freak out nearly as much as she did in the beginning."

I looked down at my breakfast, stirring my spoon around the bowl pensively. Everything seemed to be so much easier for Beau and Edythe; they'd never had the problems I had from Edward, and it made me jealous and worried in equal measure. Was there something wrong with us that meant we couldn't manage these kinds of conflicts as well as they did? Why couldn't it all be smooth sailing for us, the way it was for them? From what I had observed, they didn't even get into arguments.

"Look," Beau went on, putting his spoon down next to his now empty bowl and folding his arms. "I know you don't like me getting involved in your relationship and going all protective big brother on Edward…"

"Two minutes," I cut in as he paused for breath.

He gave me a look but otherwise continued as if I hadn't spoken. "But if you're nervous about bringing it up again with him, I don't mind talking to him instead. Who knows, maybe I'll be so annoying he'll tell me the truth just to get me to shut up."

I gnawed on my lip. "I don't know…"

"Hey, come on, we talked about this," he coaxed. "He's got to know what you're thinking, and if you don't want to tell him-"

"I know, I know," I sighed. "I just don't want you two to start arguing. Especially not about this."

He waved a hand dismissively. "Who said anything about arguing? It's just going to be a friendly conversation between two bros who happen to be dating each other's sisters."

I nearly choked on the mouthful of cereal I'd chanced taking while he was talking. "Bros? Really?"

"You don't think me and Edward are bros?" He put on a look of mock affront.

"It's not the first word that comes to mind, no."

"What would be a better word, then? Pals? Buddies? Amigos?"

His ridiculousness had its intended effect; I burst out laughing, and my bad mood was held at bay all the way until I pulled the truck into the parking lot at school.

As soon as I saw Edward, I felt the same trepidation I had felt this morning creeping back in. There was still a strange blankness in his face, a hint of something undefinable but frightening in his eyes that set me on edge. I knew I should speak to him, that it wasn't fair to put that burden on my brother, yet I couldn't help being afraid of what starting that conversation would lead to. The person I really wanted to talk to was Alice, but she was nowhere in sight.

"How are you feeling?" Edward asked as he opened my door.

"Just peachy," I lied; my head was still throbbing and gave a painful twinge as the door slammed shut behind me. I just hoped my wince wasn't too obvious.

We didn't hang around chatting this morning. Beau thanked Edward for the new mix CD – the final mystery birthday present – then made himself scarce, and Edward and I walked to English in silence. He slowed his pace so I could keep up with him but didn't try to take my hand, shoving his deep into his pockets instead. I did my best not to read too much into the action and keep a lid on my rising panic.

I wasn't very successful.

There were about a million questions I wanted to ask, but I was pretty sure he wouldn't have the answers. Really, I needed to talk to Alice. She would be able to tell me how Jasper was doing, whether he was also feeling guilty about what had happened or had accepted that no actual harm had been done and everything was alright. She was more likely to be honest with me about anything that might have been said by the others – especially Rosalie – about my part in the whole mess. She might even be able to give me some insight into Edward's dour mood and what it might mean for our future, though telling me about it would probably be difficult with him there, listening in to everything both said and unsaid. I wondered if I could find some excuse to get her on her own, but nothing came to mind that wouldn't make him suspicious.

Still, I was eager to see her, and the morning seemed to drag as I waited for lunchtime to roll around. Edward barely spoke to me; the only words we exchanged were his occasional questions about my arm and my answering lies.

Finally, we made it to our table in the cafeteria, but Alice was still conspicuously absent. I wondered if she was stuck in a class that was running late until Ben sat down beside Angela; I knew they were both in French together, so if he was here, then she should be too. Edward didn't offer any comment or explanation, so eventually I bit the bullet and asked, keeping my voice low and trusting Beau's animated chatter to keep any potential eavesdroppers distracted.

"Where's Alice?"

He was doing his usual routine of destroying his lunch so that it looked more like he had actually eaten some of it; the chunk of granola bar between his fingers crumbled into dust a little more abruptly than the rest as he answered, the only sign that my anxious question had bothered him. "She's still with Jasper. They haven't come home yet."

Well, that was worrying. "Is he alright?"

"He will be. He just needs to be… away for a while."

"Where have they gone?" If there was one thing I could be sure of, it was that wherever Jasper went, Alice would go, too. The pair of them weren't exactly showy with their relationship, but they stuck together like glue. I could imagine Jasper had the same issues with Alice having to spend so much time at school that Edythe had with Beau (although really, that separation seemed to be much more bothersome to my brother than his girlfriend).

"Nowhere, really." He shrugged. "Alice is trying to convince him to head for Denali, but he's resisting."

Denali, as well as being a national park in Alaska, was home to the only other group of vampires in the world who, like the Cullens, had made the choice to feed from animal blood instead of human. I didn't know much about them, except that they were a group of five: three siblings named Tanya, Ivan and Kai, plus Eleazar and Carmen, a couple who had joined them in much the same way Alice and Jasper had joined the Cullens. They could well have a sixth addition now – Laurent, the one member of James' little coven who had chosen not to hunt me down and had gone to Denali instead, hoping to learn more about their lifestyle. The two groups were close, regarding each other as cousins, and had lived together for a little while before their numbers made them start to stand out too much to the local humans. Edward had gone there by himself just after we'd met, running away from the intensity of my scent and the temptation it presented to him. It was the natural choice of retreat for a vegetarian vampire struggling with his control, so of course Alice would suggest they go there. I wondered why Jasper was opposed to the idea, but found I couldn't ask around the lump in my throat. I'd felt bad enough about chasing them out of the house last night; now the guilt was exponentially worse as I realised they had been driven right away from their home, quite possibly out of the state altogether. Rosalie and Eleanor had left the country completely with their extended vacation to Africa over the summer, only having returned for the party, and I knew that was my fault too. And all of this was after splitting the entire family three ways back in March as we'd tried to outmanoeuvre James and Victoria. Was I doomed to be forever pushing this family apart, nothing but a burden that was always causing them problems?

Edward saw my expression and misinterpreted it. "Is your arm hurting?"

"Oh, just forget about my stupid arm," I snapped, leaning over to put my head on the table.

Thankfully, I was saved from any further interrogation by my brother.

"Hey Edward, do you mind giving me a ride home later? Bella has work, and I don't feel like getting stranded."

"You could just come hang out at the store," McKayla piped up before Edward could respond. "Wednesdays are always dead. You could help keep us entertained."

I turned my head slightly to see the smile she was directing at him that she clearly meant to be flirty. McKayla apparently went through phases when it came to the boys she liked; according to the information I'd got from a rare gossipy moment shared with Angela one day at the back end of last year, she'd had crushes on all the boys in our grade at one point or another, although she tended to bounce back to Jeremy more often than the rest. Since she currently hated his guts, it was now Beau's turn to be the object of her interest, and the last few weeks had seen her make many similar advances. Of course, every single one was completely ignored. Honestly, I wondered why she was bothering, given that there was exactly a zero percent chance he would ever reciprocate. Something about Edythe's absence must have been making her bold, assuming that distance would eventually drive the two of them apart and she could step easily into the gap left behind. She couldn't know how wrong that thinking was on so many levels. Beau, for his part, didn't seem to care in the slightest.

Right now, he playfully made a face at her comment. "And spend an extra three hours with this one? No, thank you." He poked me gently in the back of the head, then kept poking until I sat up and swatted him away. I realised what he'd done immediately; someone would eventually have noticed my morose mood and asked what was wrong.

I played into his game, putting on my best incredulous expression. "We live together, idiot."

He gave me his signature goofy grin. "Yeah, but at home I can go hide in my room when you're being insufferable." He neatly dodged the elbow I threw towards his ribs before returning his focus to Edward. "So, about that ride?"

"Sure," Edward replied smoothly, as if it didn't make a difference to him one way or the other. "I'll meet you at the car."

The conversation moved on, but Edward and I played no more part in it. As we moved on to our afternoon classes, even the questions about my arm had stopped, and the silence between us was becoming steadily more unnerving. While we had always been content to sit quietly together, to go so long without having anything to say to each other was completely unheard of – at the very least, he should have asked what I was thinking at least three times by now. I was still wary of being the one to break the stalemate, but it was looking like it might be my only option if I didn't want to spend the rest of our lives without exchanging a single word.

"Will I see you when I get home?" I asked as we walked to the truck, hoping I didn't sound too anxious; he always came over, even if it was just for an hour before dinner or the bit of time before I went to bed.

I felt a small thrill of relief and hope when he looked surprised by the question, which quickly faded away as he schooled his expression once more into indifference. "If you really want to."

"You know I always want to spend time with you," I pointed out, probably a little too fervently for casual conversation; I tried to rein myself in and quickly continued, doing my best to crack a joke. "You can hang out with Beau while you wait and try to keep him out of trouble."

"All right." He didn't smile.

Beau sidled up to the Volvo just as we arrived, a moment of silent communication passing between us; I still didn't subscribe to his 'twin telepathy' theory, but we were just as good at speaking without words as any of the Cullens, who had a myriad of ways to talk to each other with only their minds. Now, he raised a questioning eyebrow at me as his eyes flashed to Edward and back, and I gave the smallest frown and head shake I could in return. He looked worried for half a second, then switched to determined – 'leave it to me,' his face said, as clearly as if he'd spoken the words aloud. I wanted to trust him, but I couldn't believe he would have any impact on the distracted way that Edward kissed me on the forehead before he shut the truck door and moved around to get into his own car without looking back at me. He was able to get out of the parking lot before me as my steadily increasing panic made me clumsy with the truck's controls; by the time I made it to Newton's Olympic Outfitters, I was close to hyperventilating and had to take an extra few minutes to settle myself before I could go inside.

Perhaps it was just that he needed time. What had happened last night was nothing, certainly compared with the state James had left me in. I'd been in the hospital for weeks and he hadn't been like this. Then again, I had been heavily sedated for the first four or five days. Maybe he had reacted the same way, and I just hadn't seen it because he'd worked through everything by the time I woke up. Surely that meant he would get over this too, eventually. Beau would talk to him, Edythe too, no doubt. I would keep working on him, reassuring him as much as I could. Alice and Jasper would come back once Jasper had had time to get himself together. Eleanor would convince Rosalie to calm down and stay at home, and his family would no longer be scattered to the four winds because of me. If it would help, I'd happily stay away from their house. It wouldn't be so bad; I'd miss Earnest, but I was sure to run into Carine on my next emergency room visit, and I would see Alice at school and Edythe on the weekends.

We only had to get through one more year of school – not even a year, really, more like eight or nine months. It felt like almost no time to me; it would be less than the blink of an eye for an immortal like him. Then, if he was still being stubborn about leaving me human, I would at least be free to go away somewhere with him, where I couldn't cause problems for the rest of the family. We'd tell Charlie we were off to college, and it would be easy to disappear. We could go anywhere we wanted; I wouldn't even complain about the cost if it would make things easier. I remembered an old dream of going away with him to somewhere remote and sunny, so I could watch the glittering beauty that was his skin in sunlight to my heart's content.

The thoughts were a ray of hope, enough to calm me down so I could leave the truck and go inside the store. McKayla had made it there before me and waved as I came in. I fetched my vest from its usual peg on the back of the storeroom door, then set about the typical mundane tasks of moving boxes and checking the shelves were fully stocked, all the while lost in fantasies of running away to far-flung corners of the world with Edward.

McKayla interrupted my daydreaming as I rearranged a rack of fishing lures that someone had got all mixed up while browsing. "Hey, I never got a chance to ask you earlier, how was the rest of your birthday?"

I made a face, irrationally annoyed at her for reminding me of the less than pleasant turn yesterday evening had taken. "Just glad that it's over."

She looked at me like I was insane. "Really? I thought Edward would go all out for you. Presents, party, all that jazz."

"Alice put the party together. Honestly, it's not really my thing," I said with a shrug. "Beau had fun, though."

"I bet you guys got some amazing presents," McKayla pressed, her eyes alight with eager anticipation of gossip. "I mean, it's the Cullens. Everyone knows they're loaded."

Trust McKayla to only think about the material. It was perhaps a little vindictive of me, but I couldn't help knocking her down a peg; her behaviour at lunch was still on my mind too. "Oh yeah, you should have seen the baseball stuff that Edythe got for Beau. All custom, it must have cost a bomb. He was thrilled, gave her about a million thank you kisses." No need to mention he probably would have been just as happy with anything she gave him, regardless of how much it cost.

As I'd intended, McKayla deflated at the reminder of Edythe's existence and quickly took herself off to the other side of the store.

The rest of my shift dragged by interminably slowly. I was anxious to get home and see Edward, and to find out if Beau had talked to him and hopefully got him to calm down. He had to get over whatever was bothering him soon, I reasoned. Everything would be alright.

Maybe if I said it enough times, I would actually believe it.

I felt a dizzying relief as I pulled into our street and saw the silver Volvo still parked against the curb, just a little way down the road like it always was so that there was room for the truck to pull up nearer the house without blocking Charlie's cruiser into the driveway. By the looks of things, my dad was home too, which made me a little nervous; would Beau have been able to talk to Edward before he got there? I was pretty sure he wouldn't bring up any of what happened last night if Charlie was around, both because he would know it would embarrass me and because it would be nearly impossible to avoid referring to things our father was not allowed to know about the Cullens' true nature. Yet I also knew very well how short Edward could make the drive between school and our house when he wanted to; he behaved himself most of the time, but his default driving mode was 'maniac'.

I was rushing as I went inside, calling out before I had my jacket all the way off. "Guys, I'm home!"

"In here, sis!" Beau hollered back from the living room, where I could hear the unmistakable sound of the ESPN SportsCenter theme.

Quickly stashing my coat and shoes, I hurried down the hall. Edward had claimed the armchair, leaving Beau and Charlie to share the sofa. The three of them were staring fixedly at the TV screen and didn't acknowledge my presence. Perfectly normal behaviour for my father and brother – not so much for my boyfriend.

"Hey," I said, hoping none of them heard the way my voice wobbled.

Charlie didn't seem to notice, his attention never wavering from the screen. "Hey, Bella. We went with cold pizza for dinner, there should still be some out there."

"Okay." I hovered for a minute, waiting for Edward to look up, to smile… to give any sign that he was aware I existed.

His eyes never strayed from the TV.

My brother, however, was paying attention to me, and saved me from my pathetic waiting game, heaving himself off the couch. "Speaking of pizza, I think I could go for another slice. Race you there, little sister."

"Two minutes," I mumbled as he darted past me, moving into the kitchen with more of a slow shuffle. By the time I got there, Beau had parked himself in one of the chairs, a slice of pizza already half-finished in his hand. He pushed the box towards me, gesturing to an empty chair. I sat down but pulled my feet up and hugged my knees, my stomach roiling far too much to even think about touching the food. I thought about waiting until we were away from prying ears before asking what I so desperately wanted to ask, but impatience got the better of me. "Well?"

He knew what I was getting at. "I talked to him…"

"And?"

I didn't think my stomach could drop any further, but the way Beau sighed certainly wasn't reassuring.

"Oh no," I groaned, resting my head on my knees.

"It isn't that bad," he insisted, then quickly backpedalled at the black look I gave him. "Alright, fine, it's not good. He said he knows you're worried about him, so at least he's not completely disconnected from reality." He smiled weakly but didn't seem surprised when I didn't smile back. "He also said to tell you he's fine and everything will be alright. I told him that might have a bit more impact if it came from him directly, but he just sort of hummed at me."

"Hummed or growled?" I asked. "There's an important distinction between the two."

Beau pursed his lips. "It might have been a tiny bit growly."

I felt like I was going to cry.

"I tried, Bell, I really did." He looked so disappointed with himself, I couldn't help unfurling just enough to reach out and take his hand. "But you're right, something's up with him, and he's not talking about it, not to anyone."

"Does Edythe know anything?" If anyone would have insight into Edward's odd behaviour, it would be Edythe. She had known him longer than anyone.

"I haven't seen her yet today, but I'll ask." He squeezed my fingers reassuringly. "She'll be just as eager as we are to get him back to normal, don't worry. He'll listen to her, or she'll punch him until he does."

And once again, I would be the cause of conflict between the Cullen siblings.

"Hey," Beau said, squeezing my hand again to get my attention. "It will be fine. We're going to fix this, okay? I promise."

He was so earnest, so sure he was telling the truth, and yet…

"I wish I could believe you," I whispered. "I just feel like… something is going to change, and soon. And I'm scared, because up until yesterday, everything was pretty much perfect."

Beau sat up straighter, releasing my hand so he could pick up another slice of pizza. For a moment, I thought he was going to eat it himself, but he handed it to me instead and gave me a pointed look until I relented and took a bite; it felt like a ball of lead as I swallowed. "Alright, let's reason this out. What's the worst that can happen?" He must have seen in my face that this was the wrong question to ask; my breathing hitched, and I nearly choked on my food. "Okay, scratch that. What's the worst that we can live through?"

That one wasn't great either, but at least I had some kind of answer. I took another bite of pizza, carefully chewing and swallowing, while I thought through exactly how much I wanted to share with my brother. Of course, I'd promised not to keep secrets from him; did it count as a secret if it was still only a vague, feared possibility? In the end, though, I knew I couldn't lie to him, even by omission.

"Staying away from the family," I said slowly. "The house would be off limits, so no Jasper or Earnest, or the older girls. We'd still see Alice at school and Edythe would still be around, at least for you… and we'd probably end up in the emergency room enough to see plenty of Carine." I smiled weakly and he laughed.

"For sure. Okay, that wouldn't be too bad. Definitely survivable. Anything worse?"

"Maybe…" This was the thought I really didn't want to give voice to, but I was in too far now to back out. "We might have to leave. Just me and him, since it seems to be me causing all the trouble. Staying to the end of the school year would obviously be best, but if Edward thinks we should go now…" I trailed off, guilt gnawing at my insides.

Beau's smile flickered but didn't drop, although there was a new sadness in his eyes. "I'd miss you, and it would probably make Charlie completely despise Edward forever. But yeah, we could make it work, especially if you come visit often. See, not so bad, right? And that's our very worst-case scenarios, so it probably won't even come to anything like that." He stood up then, closing the gap between us to give me an awkward but firm sideways hug. "Go on back into the living room. I think I have an idea."

I gave him a suspicious look. "What kind of idea?"

"Don't worry about it." He waved away my concerns. "Just think about talking to him too, okay?"

"I'll try." Although he would have heard the entire conversation we'd just had. But Beau was right. We needed to have a proper talk between the two of us for there to be any chance of working this out.

I finished the slice of pizza quickly as Beau made a beeline for the living room; I briefly considered taking another piece, but decided my stomach was still too unsettled for it. Instead, I followed my brother's suggestion and returned to the living room, where Charlie and Edward were still exactly where I'd left them. My dad looked up and gave me a small smile as I took the empty seat that Beau had been occupying on the sofa. Edward didn't turn away from the screen, and I did my level best to quell the icy feeling of dread that this lack of acknowledgement sparked in my gut. Maybe he was thinking about the options, just like I was; if he had come to any of the same conclusions as me, he might also be nervous about bringing them up. He just needed a bit more time, I told myself. This wasn't the place to have a conversation with him anyway – I would wait until we were alone later.

I tried to focus on the TV enough to even register what sport the presenters were currently talking about, but before I managed it, I got distracted by a clicking sound from the direction of Beau's bedroom. When I looked up, he was leaning around the open door, his new camera raised and a mischievous grin on his face.

Charlie had noticed him, too. "What are you doing, Beau?"

"Taking pictures," he said, an unspoken 'duh,' in his tone. "You know Mom is going to be asking for them soon."

"Yeah, but why are you taking one of me?" Charlie made a disgruntled face. "She knows what I look like."

I tried to smile, playing along with the game I could see Beau setting up. "Aw, but you're just so handsome, Dad." I reached across and squeezed his cheeks playfully, and he batted my hand away with a chuckle. "Besides, you bought the camera. You have to be in at least one picture."

He grumbled something I couldn't understand and slumped in his seat as if that could hide him from the camera's lens.

"What about a family shot?" Edward cut in, his soft voice almost startling after hearing it so little all day. "I'll take it if you like."

Beau kept his tone casual, no sign of anything bothering him at all. "Great idea, Edward, thanks. Here you go." He recklessly threw him the camera, though of course Edward caught it effortlessly. He sat up and turned to face us more fully as Beau moved around the back of the couch and kneeled down so his head was between Charlie's and mine.

Edward raised the camera, then paused. "Smile, Bella."

I forced myself to look as happy as I could manage; the shutter clicked and the flash flared, making me blink furiously against the light.

"Let me get one of you kids," Charlie said, reaching out for the camera, obviously eager to get himself out of the frame.

Edward stood and passed the camera over, then held a hand out to help me up. I took it gratefully, a spark of hope flaring, but he let go as soon as I was upright, switching to a respectful hand rested feather-light against my lower back. Even though I put my arm around him as securely as I could, the pose felt formal and uncomfortable. At least it did until Beau came to join us and put me in a headlock from behind. Charlie chuckled and snapped a picture while I was still trying to wrestle him off me.

"Alright, alright," he said, still laughing. "Come on, Beau, let's have a nice one."

My brother gave a long-suffering sigh. "Okay, fine." He kept his arm around me but loosened his hold so his hand was on my shoulder and his arm lay across my upper chest. Ever so subtly, he pushed me closer into Edward's side.

"Give us a smile, Bells," Charlie reminded me; I obeyed, and the camera clicked again.

"Gotta get one of the lovebirds, too," Beau pronounced, breaking his hold on me to step forward and reclaim the camera. I made myself smile without being reminded this time, putting my other arm around Edward and holding him to me as best as I could. He let me pull him closer long enough for Beau to take another picture, then dropped his hand and pulled smoothly out of my grip.

"That will do for now," he murmured, low and polite. "No sense in wasting all your film in one night."

"Hear, hear," Charlie agreed. "Go put that away, son."

"Fine." Beau moved back towards his room, but he didn't look happy about it. Meanwhile, Edward had already retreated to the armchair; rather than stand awkwardly in the middle of the living room, I returned to my spot on the couch, pulling my feet up and resting my chin on my knees. I had to tuck my hands into the small space between my thighs and my stomach so none of the others would see them shaking, as fear overwhelmed me. When Beau came back, he flopped on the floor in front of me, his legs stretched out across the carpet and crossed at the ankles; he gave no sign of any anxiety, except for the way his left foot was rapidly tapping the air.

The rest of the show passed without another word exchanged between any of us. As the credits rolled, Edward finally broke the stillness, standing up.

"I should probably get going," he said, not even looking at me as he began moving to leave.

"Have a good night," Charlie replied distractedly, his eyes never leaving the screen.

I scrambled up from the sofa, almost tripping over Beau but somehow making it to the front door in one piece and shoving my feet into my sneakers quickly. Edward was halfway down the drive by the time I caught up to him.

"Will you come back?" I asked, not especially caring if I sounded desperate.

I was expecting his answer, but it still stung, especially as it was tossed over his shoulder without fully facing me. "Not tonight."

Beau's words from earlier echoed in my head. I steeled myself and caught one of his hands in both of mine. As I spoke, I let all my feelings from the last twenty-four hours come through in my voice. "Edward, please, you're scaring me. I don't understand what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong," he said, his voice flat; he hadn't turned around and his head was hanging low, his shoulders stiff with tension.

"Obviously something is," I insisted. "Look, what happened last night… it was scary, but I'm fine. I just want to put it all behind us and move forward. We got through last spring, and we can get through this too, as long as we do it together. I get that you're… rattled, that it's different when it's your family and not a stranger…" His shoulders hunched further, and I hurried on. "But I promise I'll be more careful. I'll do whatever I need to do to make sure it never happens again."

Finally, he turned to face me. I felt relief for only a split second before I registered his expression; the anger was written into every line of his face, burning in his eyes. A part of me was glad to see him finally showing any kind of emotion, yet the fear thrumming through me spiked sharply at the same time.

"That isn't your responsibility," he almost growled. "You should not have to think about how to keep yourself safe from us."

"Then we'll do it together." I pulled his hand closer towards my heart, clinging to this one tether to him as if it were holding me to the very surface of the Earth. "Just tell me we're going to be okay. That's all I need."

Tears were welling up in my eyes and my voice was wobbling; perhaps it was this that made his expression soften at last. He stepped towards me and put his free hand on my cheek.

"I will make sure you are safe," he vowed. "I will make this right, I promise, Bella."

"That's all I need," I assured him.

Edward leaned in and pressed a kiss to my forehead; I closed my eyes, drinking in the sensation, the closeness I had been missing all day.

"I just need some time," he murmured into my hair. "And I need to talk to Carine… it might be a long conversation, so I don't think I'll be back tonight. I'm sorry."

My heart had dropped into the pit of my stomach again. I couldn't look at him as I took a small step back. "Okay. See you tomorrow then."

Without another word, he pulled his hand free from mine and climbed into his car. I stood like a statue as he drove away, not even really watching him go, not moving once he was out of sight. I felt like I was waiting for something, though what it was, I had no idea. It started to rain, but I barely even noticed until the door opened behind me.

"Bell, what the heck?" Beau's voice echoed out. And then he was there, taking hold of my shoulders and pushing me back inside. "Come on, you're getting soaked."

I let him pull me in and numbly toed out of my shoes before I could track too much water into the house. I wasn't sure exactly what expression was on my face, but his shifted from concern to sad understanding when he saw it.

"Still no good?" he asked, sounding just as disappointed.

"I don't know," I answered honestly, my fingers twisting together anxiously.

"I'll get Edythe to talk to him," Beau promised, running a soothing hand down my arm. "We'll figure this out, sis."

It killed me how much harder it was getting to believe him.

I had another unsettled night, tossing and turning for hours, until I finally passed out from sheer exhaustion. It was oddly reminiscent of my early days in Forks, when just the drumming rain on the roof had been enough to keep me up. These days, the only storm disturbing my sleep was inside my mind, and it chased me into unconsciousness.

In my dream, I was surrounded by deep, dense trees. A sense of foreboding immediately filled me; I'd had dreams like this before, and they were never pleasant. As if compelled by something I couldn't see, I began creeping through the woods, my eyes darting from side to side. But there was nothing to see – each tree was identical to the last, nothing to distinguish how far I had gone or even in what direction. It felt like there was a hum in the air, a charge that made the hair on my arms prickle.

"Bella!"

I whipped around at my brother's voice echoing from behind me. Beau was hurrying out of the forest, stumbling on ferns, a panicked look in his eyes.

"He's coming," he gasped, frantically pulling on my arm. "We have to move, we have to run."

"What?" I asked stupidly, unable to make his words make sense. "Who's coming?"

"Can't you hear it?" Beau's eyes were practically rolling in his head with how quickly they were moving around to try to scan the surrounding trees. "He's getting closer, come on."

I listened and realised that what I had thought was an electrical hum was actually a low, continuous growling sound. It seemed to come from every direction at once, filling the woods with a malevolent, threatening atmosphere that felt utterly inescapable.

Before I could ask my brother where we could possibly go to get away, the growl suddenly spiked into a sharp snarl. A shadow detached itself from the nearby gloom and rushed forward faster than a blink, catching hold of Beau and yanking him away from me. I cried out, reaching to try to catch him, but his outstretched hand slipped through my fingers and he vanished.

"Beau!" I screeched.

There was no answer but a desperate scream, my brother's voice cracking before cutting out abruptly.

Wild with fear, I turned and dashed into the woods, continuing my mad rush with a new frantic energy. All around me, the growl rumbled on, never changing pitch or volume, no sign that I was moving further away from its source – for all I knew, I could be running right towards the monster.

After what felt like hours, I finally broke through a line of trees into an open clearing, its edges lined with sharp brambles that caught at my clothes and scratched my skin. I turned in a circle, searching for a break in the wall that would let me escape and continue my flight, only to come to a screeching halt at the sight of two white figures standing motionless just inside the treeline.

"Alice, Edythe," I panted, hurrying towards them. "Help me, please!"

Both girls tilted their heads to the side in perfect sync, the movement unsettling in the worst way.

"Why would we bother?" Alice asked, her sweet voice disconcertingly blank.

"You're going to die," Edythe added in the same emotionless tone. "He will be here soon, and you will be gone."

My heart was hammering so hard I was sure it would brush out of my chest at any moment. "Who is he? Who is coming? Please… please, I don't want to die!"

"Goodbye, Bella," they both said in unison as they melted back into the woods behind them, leaving me entirely alone.

The growling was getting louder, ringing in my ears and making it impossible to think. I wanted to run again, but there was nowhere to go. Danger threatened on every side, and I had no will to fight. I dropped to my knees, clamping my hands tightly over my ears to block out the noise, to no avail. If anything, it was even louder and more oppressive. I screamed and could barely hear myself. Frightened, overwhelmed tears began beading in my eyes.

And then I wasn't alone anymore. Another white, statue-like figure stood facing me, utterly still and heartbreakingly beautiful.

"Edward!" I fumbled clumsily to my feet and moved with faltering steps towards him. "Edward, save me!"

It was only as I came within arm's reach of him that I registered his face properly. His eyes were coal black, deep pits of hunger and hatred that felt like they had their own gravity. His teeth were bared and clenched tight, glistening in the low light of the woods. As I watched, his lips pulled back further, and the growling spiked into another snarl.

I had found the source of the sound.

While I stood frozen in shock, he stalked forward, determination and animal ferocity in his steps. Before I could find my voice again, he had closed the distance between us and taken a firm hold around my neck with one hand, lifting me clean off the ground. I kicked my legs frantically and reached up to tug futilely at his fingers, but they only pressed tighter, choking off my air supply. Speech was impossible; I tried to plead with my eyes, hoping he would see my desperate fear and confusion. Though his dark eyes stared directly into mine, it was as if he didn't see me. There was no trace of my kind, gentle vampire in that face – only the monster remained. The stone fist compressed more and more until I was sure I could feel the bones in my neck grinding against each other. All I could do was close my eyes and hope that the final snap wouldn't hurt too much.

A dull crunch echoed in my ears, and I jerked awake, drenched in sweat and gasping for breath.

I knew immediately that I had only been dreaming. I was not disoriented as I sometimes was when waking from a deep sleep, and the sheer impossibility of what had happened confirmed it was only a nightmare. Yet I wasn't sure I had ever had a dream quite so vivid as this one before. Every emotion, every sensation… it was as if I were experiencing them all. It had felt so very real…

The clock on my nightstand told me it was far too early for me to be awake, but I didn't dare try to go back to sleep, in case the dream repeated itself… or worse.

I rolled onto my back and lay staring at the ceiling for a while, trying to at least settle the nervous feeling rolling in my stomach. After 15 minutes, I realised it was a fruitless effort and gave up, throwing off my covers and sitting up. The sweat had dried on my skin, leaving me feeling sticky and uncomfortable; if I wasn't going to sleep, I might as well get up, I reasoned.

Creeping on tiptoes so I wouldn't disturb the boys, I made my way to the bathroom and took the quickest, quietest shower I could manage, focusing on the routine of soap and shampoo so I wouldn't get caught up in remembering my nightmare. Still, flashes of shadow-shrouded trees and eyes like black holes kept popping into my mind.

Back in my room, I looked around for something to occupy my mind for the few hours before it would be acceptable for me to be up and about. After a few days of lazy evenings, I had a bit of a homework backlog to get through, so I sat down to tackle that first. Unfortunately, it didn't end up taking nearly as long as I thought it would, and the dim light of early morning still hadn't made itself known by the time I was done. Casting about my desk for something else to do, I considered and quickly dismissed the few books I had laying about before my eyes fell on my new journal and pens; in all the havoc of injuries and anxiety, I'd not yet got around to using them. The feeling of a great change coming was still strong, and I felt the sudden urge to make a record of my life, something I could look back on in years to come and remember where I had been… well, perhaps not at this exact moment. But before my birthday, before everything went wrong… Yes, that I wanted to preserve.

I unwound the leather strap on the book and ran my hand down the cover; it was a rich mahogany brown, smooth as silk and embossed with a vine pattern on the corners. Inside, the pages were a soft cream, giving it a wonderfully old world feel. I almost felt bad to be filling it with my only semi-legible chicken scratch. The pens, too, seemed like they deserved to be wielded by far more skilful hand than mine; Edward or Edythe would probably do beautiful work with them. They were all plain black but had different thicknesses, so I spent a few minutes experimenting with them on a scrap of paper before committing to putting anything in the book. After a couple of practice runs, I took the second from thickest to write my name in a thick flowing script across the inside cover, doing my best to imitate Edward's beautiful handwriting and feeling surprisingly pleased with the result. I turned over to the first page and switched to a thinner pen to write the date on the top of the lined side, then picked up the finest tip to actually start writing.

But what to say? I wondered, tapping the pen against my chin a few times as I contemplated how to begin. Stream of consciousness was out; I would definitely get drawn back into thoughts I didn't want to have. But it felt awkward to start with an introduction to myself when I was the only person who would ever read it. Jokey and jovial felt insincere, yet I didn't want to get too serious either.

While I was thinking, I'd started doodling in the corner of the blank page opposite the lines; when I realised I'd been drawing the pattern on my comforter, I decided a bit of drawing might be the place to start. It would at least make the page look less blank, and I might be struck by inspiration while I worked. I swapped the pen for a pencil and began doing my best to sketch out the view of my bedroom from the spot where I sat. I didn't have Alice's skill – I'd once watched her make a perfect rendering of a room she'd only seen in a vision using nothing but a hotel ballpoint pen – but I managed a decent recreation of the room, which had barely changed since I was a baby. I placed the bed first, then worked out from it, adding the nightstand and the window, shading below the frame for the patch of blue paint that had been added when we redecorated; the colour matched the paint in Beau's room, and he had my lavender shade in a similar spot. I took a bit of artistic license and stretched the perspective so I could get the dresser and the rocking chair in. I almost considered trying to draw Edward sitting in it, but knew I definitely wouldn't be able to pull that off, especially from memory. Instead, I filled the rest of the page with a drawing of the layout of my desk, messy and chaotic as it was. As I was finishing off the edges of my ancient computer, I finally figured out how to start my writing; I felt almost eager as I picked the pen up again and began scribbling.

My room hasn't changed much in eighteen years, but I have. Sometimes it's hard to believe just how much a person can change in a relatively short amount of time – I feel like I'm a totally different girl than I was even six months ago.

From there, the words flowed without issue. Over the course of the next half hour, I filled nearly five pages with all the details of my life since moving to Forks. I wrote about Beau and Charlie, my friends at school, and of course, the Cullens; they got two pages by themselves, and one of those was dedicated exclusively to Edward. I was completely honest in everything I wrote, reasoning that I could keep the book well hidden so as not to let any secrets slip. The openness was a refreshing change; I usually had to keep most of it to myself, only able to share the truth with my brother. It was kind of cathartic to let it all out.

I stopped a few times to add more sketches – the sign from school, the outside of the Cullens' house, Edward's room – but left most of the pages blank, thinking of the photographs Beau had been taking. I was definitely going to ask him for copies whenever he got the film developed.

By the time I had almost run out of things to write about, the sun was well and truly up, and I could hear Charlie starting to stir. My alarm went off, and I hit the button to silence it, then sat back down to round off the entry with something satisfying. The only thing I hadn't covered was my birthday, and I didn't really want to undo the work I'd done to take my mind off my current depressing reality. In the end, I breezed through it in a few short sentences.

Only someone with my bad luck would give themselves a paper cut in a house full of vampires. Completely ruined the party, and Edward's been in a weird mood ever since. He says everything will be alright, and I want to believe him. I just wish he would talk to me. I know we could find a solution if we work together.

There was still so much to say – my fears, my questions, the possible futures ahead – but writing any of that down felt like making it real, and that was the last thing I wanted to do right now. So I just closed the book, wound the cord around it tightly and slid it into one of my desk drawers. Then I took my time putting all the pens back in their case and putting those away, too. I packed away the homework I had been doing and made sure everything was in my bag for school, and straightened up a few of the more messy corners of my room. When everything was tidy and I felt like I'd wasted enough time, I finally went downstairs to get started on breakfast. At the last minute, I changed my mind about leaving my journal hidden and instead slipped it into the outer pocket of my backpack – better to keep it with me than risk anything happening to it. I added a pencil just in case I got any inspiration during the day.

My dad and my brother seemed startled to see me up and about so early, but neither of them commented on it. After Charlie left, Beau set about taking pictures of everything; he seemed to be in the same mood as me, eager to capture our life on film before it was changed forever. He made me sit and pretend I didn't see him as he took one of the kitchen, then went outside to get shots of the woods and the front of the house. As I came out to tell him it was time to go, he was framing up a photo of the truck. He stuffed the camera in his bag as I handed it to him and climbed into the passenger seat, since it was his turn to drive again. I couldn't help remembering a time when the walls of green that we drove past had felt oppressive and enclosing – rather like my dream last night. But in the light of day, they were a comfort, holding a strange magic. I had the itch to draw again as we were driving and dug my journal out to add sketches of tall trees to the sides of the first few pages.

Beau noticed what I was doing, of course. "You got started on your memory project, too?"

"Yeah." I smiled, pulling the book into my chest in embarrassment. "Mine is just for me, though. I'm not spending copies to Renee."

"Fair enough." He smirked, then his expression got more serious. "Is it helping any? With… everything that's going on with Edward?"

I sighed, shaking my head. "It's mostly a distraction. I'm not writing about the tough stuff." When he shot me a mildly disapproving look, I quickly clarified. "I don't think I can. I don't really want an extra reminder of it, you know?"

He nodded in understanding. "Well hey, all the weirdness can't last forever, right?"

Oh, how I wished he could have been right.

In reality, it lasted all morning. Edward was still in his own head, and he continued the pattern of walking with me without saying a word or taking my hand; in fact, he was barely even looking at me. Anxiety began mounting again and I couldn't concentrate on any of my classes, even my beloved English. Mr Berty had to repeat his question about Lady Capulet three times, and I still couldn't respond without Edward helpfully whispering the right answer to me. If I had been in a more hopeful mood, I might have thought he was going to start talking to me again. But I was sadly a terminally realistic sort of person, so I was disappointed but not surprised when he went straight back to ignoring me.

At lunch, we once again sat beside each other, both pulling our lunches apart instead of eating them. I felt like I was going to tear out of my skin with the frantic energy fizzing just under the surface. Even the manic photo war that ensued when Beau brought out his camera and started taking pictures of everybody didn't distract me. Something about all the giggling, complaining, and fighting over whose turn it was with the camera seemed so childish and unimportant today. Beau's laughter when they used up all the film didn't raise my spirits the way it always used to. At the very least, it meant that once again, no one else noticed the mood I was in, and I was safe from having to make up human-appropriate explanations.

Edward walked me to the truck at the end of the day, still not having said a word since English. I had to work again, but today I didn't ask if he would come over afterwards; clearly, being with me wasn't making a difference, so perhaps he would be better off spending some time on his own. As much as I wanted to be in his face, keeping him away from the dark thoughts, I also didn't want him to feel forced or manipulated. He'd said last night that he wanted to talk to his mother; maybe it was his family he needed now, more than me.

My brother disagreed, based on the look of disapproval he gave me as he got in the truck just after the Volvo drove away.

"Don't start, please," I begged him. "I just want to get to work so I can get this day over with."

He didn't look happy, but he didn't push it; he must have seen the sheer emotional exhaustion on my face. "Alright. I've said my part, and you know what I think. Don't let it go any longer though, okay? Tomorrow, you have to talk to him, really talk, or I'm giving him a piece of my mind. I don't care if he bites my head off for it."

"Okay," I agreed, relieved he was being reasonable. I couldn't handle fighting with both of them at once. Not that what was going on with Edward could really be called fighting. Then I remembered Beau's promise before we went to bed last night. "Did you talk to Edythe?"

"I did." His nod was slow and uncertain. "She said he's been avoiding her, too, like he's got something to hide. I think she's going to try to grab him today while we're busy."

I nodded, feeling just a spark of hope despite myself. No one knew Edward like Edythe; they'd been side by side for over a century, as both humans and vampires. She was his dearest sister, and a million times braver than me. She would talk to him, and she wouldn't let him get away with ignoring or avoiding her for long. Edythe would fix this, or at the very least, she would help. I just hoped that he would listen to her and not start fighting. I pulled out my phone as Beau drove towards Newtons, firing off a quick text to Edythe.

Thanks in advance for talking to Edward. Don't get in any unnecessary arguments on my account, okay? x

In typical Cullen fashion, I only had to wait around a minute for her response.

Don't worry, any arguments will be entirely necessary. Leave it with me & try not to worry. Will keep you posted x

Despite my morose outlook on the whole situation, her reassurance did make me feel just a little bit better.

I was a little surprised when Beau got out of the car once we reached my work.

Off my confused look, he quickly explained, "I'm going to drop the film off at the Thriftway real fast. If I leave you the truck, will you pick the photos up after your shift? They should be done by then."

"Sure," I agreed, then frowned. "You don't mind walking home?"

Beau waved away my concern. "Nah, it wouldn't be the first time. I can hoof it."

"Alright. Hey, could you get me a set too? I want to add a few more pictures to my journal and there's some stuff that my pitiful sketching skills just can't capture." I gave him a smile that I knew wouldn't quite look genuine.

He kindly ignored the weak attempt at humour and nodded. "No problem. See you later, sis." He handed me the keys to the truck, then turned and loped away towards the little supermarket that was a few blocks back toward school. I realised he could have saved himself some time by going in there before dropping me off, but had prioritised me getting to work on time. This was the kind of quiet affection I had come to expect from my brother (something he had very much learned from our dad) yet it always caught me a little off guard. After seventeen years of living with my mother and her scatter-brained, fun-loving chaos, I was so used to being the caregiver that it was still a little strange to have people taking care of me. My smile became just a touch warmer as I walked into work.

My shift passed without incident, and I stopped in at the Thriftway as promised to collect the developed photos. At home, I said a quick hello to Charlie before dropping the envelope of prints off with my brother.

Beau grinned at me when I tapped on his half-open bedroom door. "Mission accomplished?"

I rolled my eyes as I handed him the stack of photos. "Yes, it was an epic challenge of wit and skill."

He chuckled good-naturedly as he sorted through the pictures, separating them into the three distinct sets. "Thanks, sis. Oh, hey, sign that for me, will you?" He nodded to a sheet of paper on his desk.

The paper turned out to be a thank-you letter to Renée, the cheery parts of our birthday reported in detail and the horror show at the end of the party left out entirely; I hoped it was only because I knew what should be there that it was so conspicuously absent to me. I scrawled my name next to his at the bottom and added a few x's, then Beau took the paper, folded it around a stack of pictures and slid the bundle into an envelope with our mother's address in Florida already written on it. He handed me the print shop envelope with my copies in it, then pulled his scrapbook towards himself and opened the cover.

Peering over his shoulder, I could see the book came already fitted with little metal corners to hold pictures, and he'd already gone through the pages, adding captions for what he planned to put in there. The page he flipped to first was labelled 'Me and my little sister, finally eighteen!' and as I watched, he carefully slid a picture of us from the party under the tabs. It was a candid shot Alice must have taken without me noticing; I was handing over my present for him, a shy smile on my face that contrasted sharply with his enormous gleeful grin. Alice had framed it so Edward and Edythe were both visible on either side of us, watching with warm eyes and soft smiles. My breath caught as I felt a pang go through my chest looking at the perfect recreation of Edward on the paper; I hadn't seen that look in two days, and I missed it fiercely.

Beau looked up, hearing the hitch in my breathing, and gave me a gentle pat on the arm but didn't speak. On a whim, I took the pen I was still holding and leaned over to write, 'Two minutes!' and add quotation marks to the word 'little' in his caption. When I added a frowny face for good measure, he chuckled and snagged the pen.

"Alright, enough graffiti. You have a book of your own for that."

I just ruffled his hair and ran off as he spluttered unintelligible protests. Charlie, relaxing in the recliner, laughed at our antics and shook his head at me.

As I passed the kitchen, I stopped to grab a granola bar (I was beginning to feel the effects of not eating anything at lunchtime) then headed upstairs. Up in the privacy of my room, I sat on my bed and opened the envelope with a feeling close to trepidation. I knew I was going to see more of the caring, happy Edward who had been absent the last few days, but also the cold, distant creature that had taken his place.

The first photo made my breath catch in my throat. It was me, Edward, and Edythe in Charlie's kitchen. The two of them had almost matching looks of amusement on their faces; by contrast, I was looking miserable. In the next one, where I had my tongue out, the mood was a little brighter, and Edward had turned slightly towards me, the beginnings of laughter on his lips. But the common thread through both was how heart-wrenchingly beautiful the two Cullens looked – and how unbearably plain I was by comparison.

I quickly skimmed through the rest of the pictures, choosing the ones I might like to use and putting them in a separate pile. Then, I laid out four pictures on the bedspread in a square. On the top row was the second picture from the kitchen and the shot from the party that I had seen in Beau's room. Underneath them were the picture of me, Edward and Charlie watching ESPN and the one of just Edward and I standing awkwardly side by side. The change in his expression from the top row to the bottom was stark and, as I had expected, very uncomfortable to look at. Worse still was that obvious difference between the two of us in the last picture. I felt like I wasn't even just the typical human level of plain; it was painful how ordinary I seemed stood next to him, how desperate my arm around his waist was, and how clearly he didn't want to be there. I shuffled the picture under the others, not wanting to see it anymore.

I figured after my work the night before I could take a break on homework for the night, so instead I stayed up working on my journal. I didn't have anything new to write, so I focused on adding the new photos in between my sketches; since they were pretty much the size of each page, I grabbed a pair of scissors and set about carefully cutting out exactly the parts I wanted and overlapping them into a collage, fixing each one in place with loops of tape on the back since I didn't have any glue. I added the house and the truck, a few of our friends, and the family group picture from the other night, the living room background carefully trimmed out to leave only me and the boys. I ended up taking just the figures from the party picture, squeezing everyone together so we took up less space; as an added bonus, this took out the table full of cake and plates that still made me shudder to look at.

When I got to the trio in the kitchen, I delicately worked the scissors around Edward and Edythe, discarding the middle section in my wastepaper basket. Likewise, I cut just Edward's top half from the photo of the two of us, not even leaving my arm or a corner of my hair as proof I had ever been there. Every shot of him I could find, I cut out and stuck opposite the page I'd spent writing about him. It felt a bit obsessive, the sort of thing McKayla would probably go in for. For once, I liked it; this was typical teenage girl behaviour, silly and goofy and not like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. Indulging in the mood, I added a few tiny hearts in the gaps, even one very cheesy 'E + B'.

Looking at the page full of Edward, I couldn't help sighing. I'd stayed up much later than I should have, a part of me hoping he would appear after all. He had never been gone this long without some kind of explanation or contact; even when he was on an extended hunting trip, which he didn't do often, he would text me whenever he had a few free minutes and enough cell phone service. But now… My bubbly mood quickly melted away.

He's just talking to Edythe, I told myself. He'll be over afterwards.

I got myself ready for bed, putting the rest of the uncut pictures in a drawer of my desk and sweeping the last of the trimmings into the bin. Then I sat on top of my covers, thumbing through my worn out copy of Wuthering Heights without really seeing any of the words. I was eyeing the open window, trying to decide if I should give up and close it for the night. But if he came over after I was asleep… if he wanted to talk, to apologise, and it looked like I didn't want him here…

My heart leapt when I heard a light tapping on the siding outside the window, but the bronze head that appeared in the frame wasn't the one I had been wishing for. I tried not to let the disappointment show, but from the look on her face, Edythe saw it. She didn't seem angry, though; there was understanding in her eyes, and her smile was apologetic.

"Only me, I'm afraid. May I come in?"

"Sure." I sat up and put the book aside, not bothering to keep my page. Crossing my legs to give her space, I gestured to the bed in invitation.

Edythe clambered effortlessly through my window and immediately came to sit at the foot of my bed. "How are you doing?"

I had no idea how to answer that question, so I settled for a shrug.

She nodded like that was exactly the response she expected. "Of course. I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling right now. I just wish I had better news for you."

Her words, though delivered gently, were like a gut punch. "Did you manage to talk to him?"

"I did." She sighed heavily; she made the motion look elegant, like an Old Hollywood ingénue pining for her lost love. Except that it was my love, not hers, where the issues lay at the moment. "He certainly didn't want to talk to me, but he also knew I wouldn't leave him alone until he did. I had to chase him for a while, but I caught him eventually."

I frowned. "You shouldn't have to do that."

"Agreed." Her expression was militant. "He should be man enough to face me instead of running away like a scared little boy."

I couldn't imagine that at all. The only time I could think of that Edward was obviously and undeniably afraid, the emotion was hidden behind so much hurt and rage that it would be difficult for someone else to recognise.

"What did he say?" I asked nervously, still not entirely sure I wanted to hear this.

"Well, at first he was defensive, naturally. When I noted the conflict between you two, he pointed out that you were fighting less than usual." She rolled her eyes. "Of course, I didn't let him get away with going down that route. I told him that no matter how little they may pay attention to him, people are going to notice his strange behaviour soon enough, and those of us that have already noticed it are getting more and more concerned."

I couldn't help making a face; 'concerned' wasn't quite the word I would have chosen.

Edythe smiled sadly, correctly reading my expression. "I know. I told him what I know of how you're feeling, from observation and talking to Beau. My apologies if that was overstepping."

"No, that's fine." I gave her the best smile that I could manage. "I don't know if I can find the words for it."

She nodded understandingly. "You may have to try, I'm afraid. At the risk of dictating how you should handle all this, I truly believe the only way to resolve it is for the two of you to talk frankly with one other."

"I know. Beau's been saying the same thing. I just…" I bit my lip, fidgeting with my fingers. "I guess I don't know how to start. It feels impossible to get him to stay and listen if he doesn't want to. Case in point…" I gestured vaguely to my room and its current Edward-less state.

"I may have a jot of good news there." Edythe looked a little pleased with herself. "He has promised me he'll talk to you tomorrow after school to sort all this out. He simply wants a little more time, probably to perfect his impassioned speech." She rolled her eyes and shook her head, as if laughing at his ridiculousness.

"You think he really will?" I hated to doubt her, but I just couldn't believe that after two days, he still needed more time to think of what to say. If he hadn't talked yet, it seemed likely he never would.

"He knows what will happen if he breaks a promise to me." Her tone shifted to one of menace that made me shudder slightly.

"Is Alice back yet?" I ventured. Alice had joined us in our pact to get Edward onside with changing me, and I knew she would at the very least be another voice putting pressure on him to open up and try to fix whatever was going on here.

"No, not yet. The last I heard, she'd convinced Jasper to head for Alaska. I think Rose and Ellie might have gone after them too, for some extra moral support. At least, I haven't seen them around when I've stopped in at the house the last few days." She saw the way my face fell. "But I'm sure they'll all be back soon."

"They shouldn't have had to leave in the first place," I muttered, turning slightly away.

An icy hand laid delicately on my shoulder and squeezed. When I didn't turn, Edythe touched my chin softly with one finger, just the tiniest coaxing tap, a request to face her again, but one I knew I could refuse. I looked up and her face was full of understanding and empathy.

"This is not your fault," she insisted, lacking her brother's anger but no less fervent.

"Then whose is it?" I shot back, my frustration mounting and making me lash out. "Jasper? Edward?"

To her credit, she didn't rise to my baiting. "It isn't anyone's fault, Bella. It just happened and there isn't anything that could have been done to prevent it.

The wind went out of my sails again. "I never wanted a party in the first place."

"I know, but have you ever tried arguing with Alice once she has an idea in her head?" She smirked, clearly trying to lighten the mood. "I can't even manage that, and I've known her for over fifty years."

I didn't have the energy left to laugh; all of a sudden, the effort of even holding my head up was too much. I propped my elbow on my knee and put my forehead in my palm, my eyes falling closed. I felt the bed shift slightly as Edythe moved closer – a deliberate choice on her part, since I knew she was more than capable of moving without me registering it at all. As it was, I was well aware of her approach and welcomed it, leaning into her as her strong, cold arms wrapped around me. It still wasn't the embrace I wanted, but it helped.

We sat in silence for a minute. When she broke it, her voice and her words both surprised me; she spoke in a growl, low, menacing, and honestly a little frightening.

"My brother can be such an ass sometimes."

I pulled back a little and frowned at her in confusion.

"One would think," she went on, seething with barely contained fury. "That a person who can hear the thoughts of everyone around him would be just a bit more compassionate. That he would have a greater awareness of the impact his words and actions can have on others. But there have been so many times over the years when he simply does as he pleases, as he thinks is best, seemingly without regard for any of the rest of us who have to deal with the fallout of his decisions." She smoothed my hair back gently, the motion a counterpoint to her fiery tone. "It makes me want to beat some sense into him."

"Well, he can't read my mind," I pointed out. "That makes it harder for him to see the impact he has on me."

"He isn't that blind. Which then makes it seem as if he simply doesn't care, which I know is also not true." Edythe bared her teeth, her gaze shifting out of the window. "It is a wonder how he can be so frustrating, even after all these years."

I didn't know what to say to that, and so silence descended once more.

"If he won't talk…" I finally ventured.

"He will."

"But if he doesn't," I pressed. "Will you help me go talk to Carine about it? I know she doesn't like to be that kind of mom, but if there's no other way…"

She was nodding before I had finished speaking. "Of course. She'll be more than happy to help us, I know it. Just call me and I'll give you a ride over to the house."

"Thank you." My smile was small, but it was genuine. Then I sighed. "Now I just have to somehow keep myself from going insane with anticipation between now and after school."

"Do you want me to stay until you fall asleep?" Edythe asked.

I wanted to say yes, but there was something about the shift in the tenor of her expression as she spoke that threw me. It was open, comforting, sympathetic… bordering on pity. I didn't like that.

Trying not to show her how uncomfortable I was, I forced myself to smile wider. "No, that's okay. Beau will kill me if he doesn't get to see you at all before he falls asleep. You should head down to him."

She didn't look completely convinced, but she leaned in to give me another hug. "Just holler if you need me, alright?"

I nodded, not trusting my voice, and in the next moment she had disappeared through the window.

The nightmare didn't repeat, but I still didn't sleep well.

The next day was exactly like the last two; if anything, it was worse, because now I was suffering the effects of three nights of disturbed sleep in a row and I was exhausted. Beau watched me worriedly all day, and at lunch Angela leaned in to quietly ask if I was okay. I told her I was fine, but I could tell she didn't fully believe me; she was just too nice to pry any further.

Edward remained silent and distant – perhaps even more so than the last two days. Could he really just be trying to think of the best way to word what he wanted to say, or was he talking himself out of having a conversation at all? He could well be concocting plans to avoid Edythe's ire or gently refusing to talk to me. Hell, perhaps he wouldn't even be gentle about it. My determination to get him to finally really open up to me wavered as I wondered how on earth I was going to convince him to come over later. Maybe I would need that ride to the Cullens' house sooner than I thought.

I was in a hurry to get out of class at the end of the day; Beau had work, but it was my day to drive, and I needed to get Edward to agree to meet me back at the house before we left. But as I crossed the parking lot, digging in my bag for the keys, they were nowhere to be found. Then, when I reflexively looked up to keep track of where I was going, I suddenly realised the truck was already gone. A frown began to form on my face and, on instinct, I pulled out my phone. Sure enough, I had an unread text from my twin.

Snagged the keys at lunch, taken myself to work so you two can have some space. Make it count! Love you x

I smiled just a little. Trust my brother to meddle in the most subtle way possible; if Edward commented on him leaving me stranded, we could pass it off as an honest mistake. I could already see Beau laughing bashfully, rubbing the back of his neck and saying, "My bad, man, sorry I dumped you with my sister without warning."

I fired off a quick thank-you message as I walked up to Edward, waiting patiently by his car.

"Beau ditched me," I said with my best put-upon sigh. "Can you give me a ride home?"

The tiniest hint of emotion flickered on his face. "Actually, I was going to ask if I could come over."

My heart surged. Maybe he was as tired of the distance as I was. It would be just like us to decide to finally sort it all out at exactly the same time. I smiled widely for the first time in three days. "Perfect!"

He smiled back, my favourite crooked smile. Yet it still didn't touch his eyes, making it feel all wrong and keeping a sense of dread bubbling in the pit of my stomach. I squashed the feeling as best as I could as he opened the passenger door for me and we both got settled in our seats.

Edward didn't say a word on the drive back to our house, which didn't help to calm my fears. To make matters worse, he pulled into the driveway – a clear sign he wouldn't be staying long, since he was blocking Charlie's spot. I suddenly wished that my brother or Edythe were here; I was feeling in need of some kind of backup, someone to give me the confidence I needed to start the conversation that he still clearly didn't want to have. I led the way into the house and dropped my bag, but he stopped me as I went to slip out of my shoes.

"Will you come take a walk with me?" he asked politely.

"Alright," I agreed, doing my level best not to start completely panicking.

He promised to talk, I reminded myself as he led me back out of the house and around to the trailhead just off our back lawn. He just wants a bit more privacy, that's all.

Never mind that it would be several hours before either of the boys got home. Still, I sent a quick text to Beau, just in case we were out wandering for a while. The last thing I needed was an empty house sending my brother spiralling.

Going for a walk, I wrote. Not sure how long. See you later x

I kept trying to wrestle the anxious anticipation into submission so that I could actually think. This was what I had been waiting for, after all. I had to make it count, like Beau had told me to, and I couldn't do that if I was hyperventilating. I couldn't understand where the fear was coming from; was it just that I still didn't really know what he was going to say? Somehow, I couldn't get the thought that something terrible was about to happen out of my head.

We were barely past the tree line when he came to a stop and turned to lean against a tree; when I glanced back, I could still see the house. Edward's expression was impenetrable.

"You wanted to talk?" I ventured when he didn't immediately speak.

He nodded slowly, then took a deep breath.

"Bella, we're leaving."

It was one of the scenarios I'd considered, one of the outcomes Beau and I had agreed we could live through. But even thinking I was ready for it didn't help me when it was actually put out into the world like that. I took my own deep breath and squared my shoulders, ready to make a plan.

"Okay. Does it have to be now? Can't it wait until the end of the school year, at least?"

He shook his head. "No. It's time now. Really, we can't stay here much longer. Alice and I may still match our public age, but Carine is claiming to be thirty-three when she barely passes for thirty. Better to go now, before too many people start asking questions."

A confused frown creased my forehead. The whole point of leaving was to get away from his family, to leave them here where they wouldn't have to deal with me. If they were the ones leaving, then we could stay, couldn't we? Then I looked again at his face and realised I could understand what it was showing me.

He wasn't just distant and emotionless anymore. He was cold. Unwelcoming. It was the face he gave other people; the face he made when he wanted someone to leave him alone.

My stomach rolled, and I felt like I was going to vomit as the truth sank in. This wasn't the conversation I had been expecting.

"When you say 'we'…" I whispered, barely more than a breath.

His answer was sharp and clipped, each word delivered precisely and feeling like a physical blow across my face. "I mean my family and myself."

It felt as if I was disconnected from my body; I was dimly aware of my head moving robotically back and forth, of my hands starting to shake violently, of the way my throat flexing as I reflexively swallowed against the sudden dryness in my mouth. But it was as if it were happening to someone else. Edward just watched me, unchanging, waiting for some kind of response.

Eventually, I summoned enough composure to speak. "I'm coming with you."

"You can't do that." His voice was matter of fact, not an argument or an order, simply a statement. "Your father won't let you."

"I'm eighteen, he can't stop me."

"Your brother needs you."

Beau was the wrong thing for him to remind me of if he wanted to get me to stay; my brother would want me to do whatever I had to be happy, and he knew that meant going with Edward if he was leaving. My chin lifted stubbornly as I geared up for the fight to come – this, I knew how to handle. "He's managed this long without me. He'll survive. Besides, he'll catch up to us, right? As soon as he's graduated, Edythe will bring him to join us."

He wasn't moved. "Being in our world… it isn't right for either of you. You belong here."

"I belong with you." I was angry, for sure, but desperation was rapidly taking over, and I was beginning to sound like I was begging. "You are the best thing in my life, so stop being ridiculous, please. Stay with me or take me with you, I don't care, but I can't be apart from you, Edward."

He looked away. "No. I have to go, and you have to stay. That is how it must be now, for both our sakes."

"If this is about keeping me safe, I told you, what happened the other night was nothing," I insisted.

"Nothing but what I always expected," he replied, just a hint of steel in his tone. "It was inevitable. Nothing could have prevented it, and nothing prevents it happening again, except this."

It was an echo of his sister's words from last night, and not a nice one. I tried again. "You promised me! In Phoenix, you said you would stay. You said-"

"I said I would keep you safe," he interrupted. "I promised to stay as long as it was good for you. This was never meant to be a permanent arrangement."

My breath caught, and then I was yelling, tears beading in my eyes. "NO! This is all about that stupid stuff with my soul, right? Edythe and Carine already told me how you feel, but I don't care, Edward! My soul is yours already, I don't want it if I can't be with you! You're worth anything I have to give up. Please!" I took a step towards him. "I'm not scared of your darkness. You don't have to protect me. Just let me come with you."

Edward stared at a spot just beside my feet for a moment more, then his gaze shifted up to mine, and his eyes has changed. They weren't just cold, they were hard, cruel – like the gemstones they resembled, beautiful but unshakable.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." He spoke slowly and precisely, as if to make sure there would be no mistaking his words. His eyes never left my face, watching as the true meaning behind them sank in.

I repeated the words to myself as the silence hung between us; it was really only a matter of removing a few words to get to a truth I had always known he would acknowledge, eventually.

"You… don't… want me?" I sounded lost, muddled. Even knowing they would come someday, everything in me rebelled against the words.

"No."

Our eyes were locked. There was no apology in his, no hint that he felt remorse for what he was doing to me. I had no idea what he would see in mine.

"Well," I breathed at last, sounding calm only because I was beginning to go numb. "I guess that changes things."

He broke the connection of our stares, looking off into the trees with a bored indifference. "A part of me is always going to love you, of course. But what happened the other night threw some things into focus for me. I'm not human, Bella, and I'm tired of trying to pretend that I am, just so I can be with you." He looked back at me, and there was truly no trace of anything human in his face; it was as if he had put on some kind of mask I had never seen before.

Or perhaps he'd taken one off.

"I'm just sorry I dragged this out so long," he went on. "It wasn't fair to you, and I'm truly sorry."

"Please don't," I choked out, still barely making a sound. "Don't do this, please."

He was unmoved. I could see it in his eyes, those deep, clear, golden crystals – his mind was made up.

"This isn't right for me." It was almost the reverse of what he had said before, and there was nothing I could say against it. I'd known this since the day we met – I would never fit by his side. He was meant for so much more than me.

"Alright," I murmured, feeling as if I had been dunked in ice water. I was drifting away from my body again.

"May I ask you for just one favour, for old time's sake?" he asked casually, as if we were setting a date to meet up for coffee. There was the dimmest of flicker of… something that danced across his face and made me wonder what my own expression was doing, but then it was gone again, replaced with complete serenity.

"Anything," I vowed, grasping fruitlessly at the chance to have something, anything linking us. Even something as effervescent as a promise.

The crystals suddenly softened, turning into the warm butterscotch that I loved so much, nearly burning in their intensity. When he spoke, it was an order, the sort he gave when he thought I was being unreasonable, and for just a flash of a moment, he was himself again.

"Don't be reckless. Be safe and don't do anything stupid. Do you understand?"

That look had always made it hard to speak, and I had no words now. I could only nod.

As quickly as it had come, the old Edward vanished again, the cold statue taking his place. "For Charlie and Beau's sake, of course. As I said, they need you, so you need to take care of yourself."

I nodded robotically again. "I will."

His shoulders dropped, the tension leaving them. "Good. And just so we're even, I have a promise for you, too. I promise this is the last time you'll have to see me. I won't be coming back. You won't have to go through anything like this on my account ever again. I will not interfere with your life again, and it will be as if I never existed at all. Just as it always should have been."

God, how many times had he said that before? How many times had I told him that it was a ridiculous idea? I couldn't find the words to contradict him now. The forest around me was shaking, which I knew meant I was losing the fight to stay upright. It was beginning to sound like he was talking to me from the other end of an endless tunnel, echoing and distant, almost drowned out by the pounding of my heart in my ears.

His beautiful lips turned up in the ghost of a smile. "Don't be afraid. You're only human, and your memories will fade. With time, this will all be healed."

"And you?" I had to ask. I was muffled, even to myself, like something was stuck in my throat or covering my mouth.

"Well…" There was just the slightest hesitation. "No, I won't forget. The curse of my kind. But then again, we are also very easily distracted." He shrugged as if it didn't bother him, then finally pushed off the tree he'd been leaning against all this time and moved to stand in front of me. "I believe that about covers it. We won't bother you again."

The plural caught my attention somehow through the rapidly descending fog, and I knew exactly what he was saying this time. "Alice isn't coming back."

He shook his head. "No, she isn't. They're all gone – Rose and Ellie went yesterday, and Carine and Earnest left this morning. I stayed behind to say goodbye." He sighed heavily. "Alice wanted to be here, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."

My moment of clarity had gone, and I was lost in a haze again. For some reason, his words took me back to the hospital in Phoenix, to the doctor pointing out lines on the x-ray of my broken leg. You see that? A clean break. That's good – it will heal more easily, more quickly.

Dimly aware that my dizziness was coming from the fact I wasn't breathing right, I tried my best to draw in a lungful of air so I could concentrate. It felt utterly hopeless, and yet… if I could find the right words… if I could just focus… if I could shake myself awake from what had to be another nightmare…

"Goodbye, Bella." His voice was low and gentle, cradling my name as it had so many times before.

"Please wait!" I burst out, finally finding some volume, stumbling forward to close the gap between us, my hands outstretched.

For half a second, I fooled myself into thinking he was reaching for me, too. But his hands just closed around my wrists and pressed them down by my sides. We were toe to toe, yet he might as well have been a thousand miles away as he leaned in to press a kiss on my forehead. My eyes slid closed as I drank in the feel of his icy lips against my skin.

"Take care of yourself," he breathed, the sweetness washing over me.

In the next moment, a sharp breeze pulled my hair forward. Though my eyes flashed open at once, it was too late. There was only the slightest shake of the leaves on a tree opposite me to show where he had passed.

He was gone.

I was frozen for all of two seconds before I forced my numb feet to move. Following him was a futile effort, of course; already, the trees had stilled and there was absolutely no trace of his passing. Not a footprint, not a bent twig, not a single shivering leaf to show me where he had gone. Yet I ploughed on anyway, tripping and stumbling in as straight a line as I could manage.

If I stopped moving, I might not start again. If I stopped, I was giving up. If I stopped, then it was over.

My love, my life, my world… over.

So I kept walking, passing the endless parade of trees that never changed, pushing through whatever undergrowth got in my way. Hours must have been passing, but at the same time, it felt like I blinked and darkness had suddenly descended. My balance only got worse as I struggled to see through the gathering shadows, and I knew my hands and knees were getting scuffed. Each time I hit the floor, it was harder to find the strength to stand back up.

Finally, something caught my foot – a root, a shrub or a fallen branch, I couldn't tell in the blackness – sending me flying, and I stayed where I fell. Just as I'd thought, that hard stop was the end of my energy. All the fight went out of me like the air escaping a popped balloon. I turned onto my side so that I was at least not face down in the dirt and curled into a right little ball amongst the damp ferns.

I knew hours had to have passed while I was fumbling my way through the woods, but I now had the dim sense it was even more time than I had thought. The darkness was absolute, not so much as a sliver of moonlight or a twinkling star to light the night. Perhaps the clouds were too thick tonight, or maybe it was the lunar eclipse, the new moon.

A new moon. Such an odd thing to call it. It sounded like a beginning, a renewal, something fresh and hopeful, when in reality it was the darkest part of the lunar cycle, the very blackest night there could be. A shudder ran up my spine, though if I was cold, I didn't feel it.

The blackness was all I knew for a very long time, before I heard the voices.

They were dull and muffled, struggling to break through the dense foliage around me, but I could definitely hear my name being called by several unfamiliar voices. Numbness had invaded my brain, and I took too long to work out whether or not I needed to respond. There didn't seem to be any point – they were not the person I wanted to find me, so what did it matter if they did? By the time the little logical voice at the back of my brain reminded me I was lost and I probably should take whatever help was offered, the voices had died away.

Sometime later, droplets of rain pulled me back to consciousness. I didn't think I had been sleeping, just so dazed and out of it that I was once again failing to register the passage of time properly. The numbness had swallowed me and I had let it, because outside numbness was a realisation too painful to be faced. I reached up to wipe away the moisture that had fallen on my face, but more rain fell and replaced it immediately. The cold of the water bothered me more than I thought I was capable of. I kept my arm loose from my little ball and used it to cover my head, huddling into the collar of my jacket to try to keep as dry as I could.

Moments later, I heard the calling again. The voices were further away this time, and though I was quicker to decide to call back, I didn't know if I could be loud enough to make them hear me. I tried to take a deep breath, ready to chance an attempt at a yell, when another sound stopped me.

It was a snuffling, foraging sort of sound, distinctly animal and very close by. From the low pitch, I guessed that whatever creature making it was very large indeed. Through my numb blanket, I couldn't feel the fear I knew I should at how close it was to my head. I didn't move, and the snuffling sound faded.

The rain was getting heavier, soaking into the ground around me and pooling up under my head. As I was trying to summon up the energy to turn over and get away from it, I saw a dim glow somewhere in the near distance. It moved gradually closer, getting progressively brighter, until it hung right above me, illuminating the entire space and making me blink fiercely against the shine. Squinting, I registered the shape of a propane lantern and a vague shadow of a person behind it.

"Bella."

The male voice was deep, unfamiliar, and low, tinged with relief. Not a searching cry, but an acknowledgement of discovery. It seemed to come from impossibly high above me, but I was sure it was only because I was on the floor.

"Have you been hurt?" the incredibly tall stranger asked.

I stared up dumbly, blinking away the rain now falling on my face and still trying to make out some kind of detail about the stranger looming over me. He helpfully crouched down, moving the lantern slightly to the side, revealing warm brown skin, short cropped black hair and dark eyes in a face that was dimly familiar.

"Bella, I'm Sam Uley. Are you alright?"

The name wasn't one I knew, and I couldn't find meaning in the question. Or maybe it was just that it didn't matter what it meant.

"Charlie has been looking for you. He sent me to find you."

My father's name seemed to echo like a bell, deep in the recesses of my subconscious. Here was something that mattered, even if nothing else did.

The man held his hand out towards me, but I just stared at it, unable to process what it meant. After half a minute, he sighed, shifting his weight and the light so he could lean down and pick me up like a rag doll. I felt small against his broad chest and knew I should be uncomfortable; beyond just being held this way by a total stranger, his shirt was wet, I was more exposed to the rain in this position, and as he began moving through the trees, I was shaken and shifted much more than I was used to. Usually when I travelled in the forest…

No! a little voice in the back of my head protested. We aren't thinking about that. About him.

I pulled the numbness around me like a blanket and let it keep me from thinking about any of it.

Time lost meaning again, but it didn't feel like I was unaware for as long before the light from Sam's lantern was joined by other, brighter lights and the tramping crunch of his footfalls in the undergrowth was being countered by a babble of voices, most of them male, many of them urgent, a few more authoritative, as if making plans or issuing orders.

"I found her!" Sam boomed, the volume of his voice making me wince and cutting through the hubbub, silencing everything for a moment before the sound surged towards us. Faces passed in and out of my vision in a dizzying, frightening blur, voices I couldn't understand blending in a muddled rush around me.

I had a sudden odd flashback to when I was about five, back in Phoenix. We'd just moved, and Renée had taken me to a nearby park so we could both make some new friends. I'd taken the slide at a funny angle and tumbled over the side, and there had been a sudden surge of concerned mothers and children over me, all trying to see if I was alright. Back then, all the strangers had scared me; I'd started crying and calling for my mother, only calming down when I was in her arms.

I didn't cry now, just closed my eyes. Perhaps because I was right against his chest, Sam's voice came through clearly as he answered the worried questions he was apparently being peppered with.

"I don't think she's hurt. She was a good way out, just lying on the ground. No, she isn't bleeding, at least nowhere I can see. I don't know, she just keeps saying 'He's gone.'"

I hadn't realised I was speaking. Had I been saying that all the way here?

"Oh thank god, Bella!" Another voice finally broke through the ruckus, one I would know anywhere, the scared and frantic tone taking me back to an icy parking lot… a blue van, the door crumpled in…

Stop it! I warned myself, forcing my eyes to open and searching for my brother's face.

"Beau?" I croaked, my voice small and pitiful.

"I'm here, sis. You're safe," he assured me. "Let me take her, Sam."

"You sure you can manage?" Sam asked, sounding sceptical.

"I'll be fine," Beau promised, and even from my odd angle, I could see the determined look on his face.

There was a bit of awkward shifting around as Sam passed me over to him, and I had to admit that my twin's hold felt much less stable. But his familiar arms and the smell of our laundry detergent on his clothes were something of a comfort, even as he stumbled along under my weight. The mad whirl of lights and voices moved with us, and I closed my eyes against it.

"Nearly home now, Bell," Beau murmured. "We'll get you warm and dry. God, you're soaked!"

"Sorry," I mumbled reflexively.

"It's okay. I'm just glad you're safe." He squeezed me a little closer.

Some time later, I heard the sound of a door opening and my father's voice calling out. "You found her?"

"Sam did," Beau called back, then lowered his voice to talk to me. "Here we are, sis, safe and sound."

I forced my eyes open in time to pass under the porch and into the house. Charlie held the door open and Sam Uley was still hovering, both of them looking like they were ready to catch me if Beau's hold failed. But, although it was awkward and precarious, my brother got me safely to the living room couch.

"I'm all wet," I argued weakly as he laid me down.

"Doesn't matter," Charlie replied, his voice sounding rough; when I looked up at him, there were tears beading in his eyes. "It's just a bit of water. Blankets are in the cupboard at the top of the stairs."

The last part was directed at someone out of my eyeline, and before I could try to see clearer who it was, someone else stepped into my vision, a grey-haired man wearing a shirt and tie and leaning over me. His face was familiar, but it took me a few seconds to summon up his name.

"Dr Gerandy?"

He smiled politely, in a way clearly meant to be comforting. "Yes, that's right, Bella. Are you hurt at all, my dear?"

I had to consider his question for a moment. Sam had asked me something like it, back in the woods.

Have you been hurt?

I didn't think it was quite the same question, and the wording definitely made a difference to the answer.

I'd been quiet too long; the doctor's smile had slipped into a frown and he was studying my face closely.

"No, I'm not hurt," I finally lied – the answer to the question he cared about, if not the strict truth.

He set about examining me, laying a warm hand on my forehead, then taking my arm and pressing his fingers to the pulse point on my wrist. I watched him counting to himself, his eyes on his watch.

"So, what happened, eh?" he asked casually, as if just making conversation.

Still, I tensed up, scrambling for my numbness as his question threatened to force me into remembering things I didn't want to think about, couldn't think about if I wanted to keep some kind of grip on reality.

"Did you get lost in the woods?" Dr Gerandy prompted when I had evidently been silent for too long.

I was getting more aware of my surroundings, and I realised I had quite an audience. Sam stood in the far corner of the room with two other tall dark-skinned men, all of them most likely members of the Quileute tribe who lived on the La Push reservation out on the coast. All three were watching me carefully, an intense level of scrutiny that made me cringe away. More subtle but no less intent in their watching were Mr Newton, Angela's father Pastor Webber, and Jeremy and Tyler, both accompanied by their dads. They were leaning against the far wall in a clump, the younger boys hanging a bit closer, nearer to where my brother hovered. I could hear other low voices from the kitchen and outside the house, and couldn't help wondering how many people were here. It sounded like half the town.

Charlie was just behind the doctor, and he leaned in to hear my answer; Beau, too, moved closer, putting a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

I nodded slowly, my answer coming out in a whisper. "Yes, I got lost."

Something hardened in my father's eyes, and Beau suddenly looked murderously angry. Their reactions confused me, but before I could get my brain working enough to figure out what the problem was, another person entered the room that stole all my attention.

Edythe swept in with the spare quilt from the linen closet folded over her arm, looking impossibly small and dainty as she passed through the gaggle of larger male bodies. She gave the Quileute men as wide a berth as she could; one of them broke off from watching me to glare at her heatedly. She ignored him and came over to me, shaking out the fabric and laying it gently over me.

"There you are, Bella," she murmured softly. "That should warm you up."

My reaction to her sudden appearance surprised even me. My chest abruptly tightened, her silky smooth voice felt like a knife stabbing into my ears, and I cringed reflexively away from her white hands on the edge of the blanket. I couldn't even look at her face, turning away into the couch cushions. When I glanced up a moment later to see if she was still there, she had retreated to stand next to Beau; her expression was calm and serene, a counterpoint to his utter confusion.

Dr Gerandy was probing gently along the glands under my chin, his touch gentle, but his hands feeling rough and abrasive.

"Do you feel tired?" he asked.

I nodded, taking the question for the easy out that it offered, and closed my eyes. I heard the doctor moving away from me, and then his low murmur as he spoke to Charlie.

"She's exhausted, but I don't believe there's anything else the matter. Just let her sleep it off, call me if anything new develops, and I'll be back to check on her tomorrow. Or…" He chuckled, apparently looking at his watch and noting the time. "Later today, I suppose."

There was a long, awkward pause before Charlie spoke, lowering his voice but not quite quiet enough that I couldn't hear. "I can't believe they really just up and left like that. Was there no warning at all?"

"Carine asked us not to say anything." The doctor sounded apologetic. "The offer was very sudden, she had to make a decision quickly. I think she wanted to avoid a lot of fuss over her leaving."

"I didn't even know about it until a few hours ago," Edythe chimed in, and again her voice drew an involuntary wince from me. "I suppose they assumed it wouldn't matter to me, since I'm essentially out of the house already."

"Well, that's a load of crap," Beau burst out, fury undisguised and only barely restrained. "Sorry, but it is. I get not wanting to make a production out of it, but you'd think we deserve a bit of warning."

Charlie harrumphed in agreement and Dr Gerandy made some noncommittal noises. I didn't want to listen anymore; I found the edge of the quilt and pulled it up over my head.

I drifted in and out of consciousness, though again I wasn't sure if I was ever really asleep. When I was aware of my surroundings, I felt my brother's presence next to me, and at some point he wormed his hand in under the blankets to hold mine. Someone added another blanket – I didn't dare look to see who – and the phone rang a lot even after all the voices around the house had disappeared. I heard Charlie reassuring people over and over again.

"Yeah, we found her. No, she's fine, just tired. She got lost, she's okay now."

I stayed quiet and let him lie.

I did hear Edythe's voice at one point, and once again it was like an ice pick to my brain.

"You should go to bed, my love," she whispered, barely loud enough for me to catch. "You need to sleep."

"I'm good here," was Beau's stubborn reply.

Edythe sighed, sounding resigned. "Can I at least get you a pillow and a blanket?"

"Alright. You go ahead and take my bed, you must be tired too."

Something about that didn't compute, until I heard the creak of Charlie settling himself into the recliner, and realised they were putting on a performance. Protecting the secret, just like always. Pretending she was just like us, with all our frailties and flaws and silly little needs like food and sleep.

I'm not human… I'm tired of trying to pretend that I am.

The pain that went through me remembering those words was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It felt like something was tearing my apart from the inside out, and I couldn't hold back a sharp intake of breath and a whimper that were thankfully covered up by the phone ringing again. Charlie heaved himself up with a groan and hurried off to get it, shushing Edythe's offer to take a message.

I didn't want to hear the same conversation again, so I tried to burrow deeper under the covers, ignoring the way it made me feel suffocated as my breath continued to come in gasps. Unfortunately, I must have been making just a bit too much noise, because the next moment the fabric was being gently lifted and Beau peered in with a concerned look on his face. He took one look at me and whipped the blanket away completely, frantically pulling me upright.

"Breathe, Bella," he said, a desperate, frightened edge to his tone. "You're alright, just breathe."

He started breathing deeply in through his nose and out through his mouth, the air rushing across my face as he pressed his forehead to mine. I did my best to copy him, squeezing my eyes tight shut against the pain that ripped through me with every breath. It was like there was a disconnect between my mouth and my lungs; I couldn't seem to get a full inhale, but eventually I wasn't hyperventilating quite as badly. My brother still looked worried as he pulled back to see my face properly, though the panic had receded a bit, his own deep breath seemingly having calmed him down.

"There you go," he said, smiling weakly and pushing my hair back from my face. "All good."

I didn't answer; I couldn't lie to Beau like I had the doctor.

"Wanna tell me what happened?" he asked gently, obviously trying not to seem like he was prying when he absolutely was. "Your text said you were going for a walk, but I figured you'd still be home before me. When Dad got home and you still weren't here…"

He was watching me closely, waiting for an answer. I didn't know what to say.

"We tried to call, but I guess you were out of cell service or something. Then we started trying the Cullens, and no one was answering."

The name made my next breath shudder involuntarily. Still, I couldn't speak.

From the kitchen, I heard Charlie hang up, dial a new number and start talking again.

"Hey Bonnie, it's me. Yeah, she's alright, she's sleeping. Look, I need to ask you about something else. Leanne Stanley just called me and said she can see bonfires out on the cliffs from her upstairs windows."

Before I could hear anymore, Beau took my attention back, his voice turning hard.

"Bell, I need to know what happened to you. Dr Gerandy told Charlie that Carine got a surprise job offer and they moved to Los Angeles, but that can't be right, can it? Did Edward-"

It was my turn to butt in. "Beau, please, don't."

"Bella…"

"He didn't tell me anything," I rushed out, trying desperately to stay ahead of the rising wave of agony threatening to steal my ability to speak again. "He just… said goodbye."

My twin's eyes burned into my face as he tried to read whether I was being completely honest. When he spoke again, his voice was low, angry and dangerous, delivered as a certainty instead of a question.

"He broke up with you."

I couldn't say anything. I couldn't even nod. I just squeezed my eyes tight shut and tried to focus on not falling to pieces. The numbness was a tattered blanket, fighting to escape my grasp, more threads unravelling by the second.

"He broke your heart and left you in the middle of those woods, in the dark and the rain-" I could hear the rage building, a sound I rarely ever heard from my eternally optimistic brother.

"No!" I managed to say, cutting him off again. "He left me-" I had to stop and wrestle with another lance of pain before I could finish the sentence. "-right by the house. I could have got back easily, but I tried to follow him. I got myself lost. It was my fau-"

"Don't you dare!" Beau cut me off angrily. "Don't you even think about trying to take responsibility for this, Bella! None of this should have ever happened."

He was right, of course, but not in the way that he thought. It shouldn't have happened because we shouldn't have happened – him and me, the impossible pairing. I'd been right all those months ago when I decided that my brother and his girlfriend had already used up the quota of incredibly unlikely couples in the world; we'd been fighting fate trying to make it work in the first place, and everything, from the van to James to the party, had been trying to tell us that. I battled back more throbbing pangs at all the memories rushing through my brain.

"I'm going to kill him," Beau growled, a look on his face now that could only be described as murderous. "I don't know how, or when, but I will."

"I'll help," a melodic voice, just as deadly, piped up from the corner of the room.

My eyes flew to Edythe, so quiet and still that I hadn't noticed her, though she must have heard the whole conversation. Suddenly, I couldn't stand to be there. Perhaps all the memories had weakened my resolve. Maybe I'd just reached my limit. Whatever the reason, seeing her there, her white skin… her gold eyes… her bronze hair… it was the final straw.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," I burst out, getting clumsily to my feet and pushing past Beau. "I'm going to my room."

I ignored my brother's attempt to stop me, ignored Edythe softly telling him to let me go, ignored my father's startled shout of my name as I raced past him and stumbled my way up my stairs. I had one focus, and that was getting to my room. I slammed the door and threw the lock as soon as I was inside, my knees hitting the wood floor hard as my burst of strength ran out. A moment later, my palms were pressed to it as well, then my cheek. I hoped I was fainting, but cruel fate just would not let the torture end. My last grip on my comfortable numbness gave out, and the pain took over, a tidal wave crashing down on my head like a ton of bricks.

I lay still and let myself be drowned.