A/N: I love you guys and your patience :)

Chapter 14

I clocked into work about five minutes late, as usual, ignoring Lauren on my way inside. She was still a hostess, unsurprisingly; she was too fucking dumb to be a server. Everyone knew that.

"Hey, Edward," She smirked, obviously attempting to flirt with me once again.

I grumbled something like 'what's up" in response.

"What are you doing after your shift tonight? Wanna grab a drink or something, now that you're legal?"

Lauren was a year older than me, even though she graduated at the same time. Like I said, she's fucking dumb.

I shrugged. "Ask me later."

I thought it over as the night progressed. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea; I'd already slept with every other willing female participant who worked at this restaurant, and it's been years…if not a lifetime ago, that I'd fucked around with Lauren. I was a different person then, before fucking Bella Swan waltzed into my life and turned it upside down.

Fuck. I couldn't even remember what sex with Lauren had been like. Maybe it was worth a shot- if only to get my mind off of… everything else.

I approached her again at the end of my shift.

"So, drinks?"

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

I wouldn't say I was necessarily basking in post-coital glow, but smoking a cigarette in bed a few minutes after cumming all over Lauren's giant tits did feel pretty good. At least a lot better than I had felt the night before.

"That was pretty good, right?" Lauren asked, and I suppressed a groan. Who the fuck asks that?

"Yeah, it was."

"I wish you'd let me kiss you, though. It could be so much better…"

She had tried, multiple fucking times, to stick her over-used tongue in my mouth, and I had easily thwarted her.

"Not gonna happen, babe." I grumbled, leaning over to put my cigarette out in the ashtray on my nightstand. "You want me to walk you to the El or something?"

Lauren laughed, as if I was joking. "I know you're not that much of an asshole." She said, giggling, as she snuggled herself into my side.

Fuck. I really didn't want to have to spend the entire night with her. I'd never thrown a chick out after sex before, usually I was able to pass out immediately after we did the deed, but, obviously, my mind was back to going a million miles a minute, solely focused on the girl across the street.

The girl who was probably sharing a bed with someone else, just like I was.

I groaned aloud, not intentionally, causing Lauren to sit up. "You're serious?"

I almost said yes. "No, babe, of course not. C'mon, lay back down."

If Bella could do it, so could I.

Fortunately for me, Lauren was no longer in my bed by the time I woke up. Unfortunately, it seemed my sister had noticed her upon her departure.

"You're a pig." Alice grumbled as I made my way past her in the kitchen. I ignored her, pouring myself a cup of coffee. For a moment I considered pouring a bit of whiskey in my mug, as well, just to take the Bella-Shaped edge off, but I decided against it. Maybe if Alice wasn't in the room.

"Lauren Mallory? Really?" Ah, she wasn't done. "When Eric told me you guys went out for drinks after work, I thought he was full of shit."

"Since when do you talk to Eric?" Eric was the bartender at Guigino's. "Does Jasper know about these conversations?"

My distraction tactic didn't work- Alice just rolled her eyes. We both knew Jasper didn't care who Alice talked to; they trusted each other implicitly. What a fucking concept. "Imagine waking up to find that dumb bitch in your shower, Edward. If you have to be a horny pig, at least pick better women."

"Better women want nothing to do with me."

Alice rolled her eyes again. "Oh, good, the pity party's back."

"What's that supposed to fucking mean?"

"It means that your self-loathing is getting old, Edward. I know you hate to hear this, but maybe you need to- you're literally acting like Dad."

My anger spiked instantly at her accusation. "Are you fucking kidding me, Alice?"

"I'm not, Edward! You need to get your shit together before you end up exactly like him!" She yelled back at me.

In a classic Dad fashion, I hurled my coffee cup at the wall beside Alice's head before screaming: "Newsflash, Alice! I'm already just fucking like him!"

Alice turned away and darted from the room quickly, but not before I noticed her big blue eyes welling up with tears. Guilt rocked through me, far harder than the anger had, but I steeled myself quickly. I was just fucking like him. She had to know that. Everyone had to know that.

My father did.

He stumbled through the front door later on that afternoon, waking me up from my apparent mid-day nap on the couch in nothing but my boxers.

"Jesus Christ!" Dad laughed, slapping me hard on the back. "It's like looking in a mirror!"

"Ow, Dad, that fucking hurt!" I whined, reaching back to rub my shoulder where he had hit me. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

He laughed again, making me wince; his laugh was like nails on a fucking chalkboard or some shit. Horrible. "Nothing, Junior." He chuckled, slapping me on the opposite shoulder again as he headed up the stairs.

It took me a minute to wake up enough and realize what the fuck he meant; dozed off, half naked, middle of the afternoon? But, fuck, it was fucking hot as balls outside and, of course, there's no air conditioning. And I wasn't even fucked up. I was exhausted because I didn't sleep because I got drunk and fucked-

God damn it.

As expected, Alice's tiny knock came around 10:00PM.

"Edward?" She squeaked, cracking my unlocked door open. "Can I come in?"

"Of course you can, Al. Stop with the theatrics, please."

She walked, softly and quietly, over to me before throwing herself down on the foot of my mattress, using her arm to cover her eyes. "I'm sorry!" She whined. "I really am. You have no idea how pissed off I was when I wanted to take a shower and that dumb bitch-"

"Alice," I cut my sister off, and she peaked out at me from under her arm with a smirk. If my mood wasn't so grim, I would have laughed at her. "It's fine. I'm sorry I freaked out on you, too, it's just-"

"I know." This time she cut me off. "Jasper told me I need to be patient with you right now. I get it, I guess."

"You guys are making me sound like a fucking mental patient."

Alice only looked back at me sympathetically.

"What?" I asked, irritated.

"Well, you must know how you've been acting the past couple of days…"

I groaned, racking my fingers through my hair. "I'm a bit rattled, Alice. I mean… you know how I feel…felt." I stuttered out.

"No…" Alice replied softly. "I really don't. You've never told me."

I sighed. How did I feel? Words that came to mind were starved, depraved and desperate for a girl I hadn't touched in over two years. Pathetic was maybe the best word to describe how I felt.

"You loved her." Alice continued quietly.

"Yes."

"I guess you still do." She muttered.

I shot her a glare. "Yes."

Rolling over onto her stomach, my sister finally made real eye contact with me. I managed to hold her gaze, somehow. "What happened between you two?"

I sighed again, my hands finding their way into my hair and tugging, the pain a welcome distraction from the way my chest constricted at the memory of what happened.

"I guess it wasn't enough." I muttered, breaking Alice's stare.

"I don't think it was that simple, Edward."

Wasn't it, though? Loving Bella would never be enough. It wouldn't change anything. Alice had said it herself: I'm just like my fucking father. There wasn't enough love in the world to change that.

Alice spoke again after my lack of response. "You're in charge of your own destiny, you know?"

I looked up at her. "What the fuck does that mean?"

She laughed, a welcome sound that just barely eased the aching in my chest. "It means that you're in control of your own life. I know you, brother." She sat up and placed her tiny hand on my knee. "I can't really understand what's going through your mind but I can figure out why. You're not Dad, Edward. You're you."

She patted my leg once more before standing up. "You're your Mother's son, Edward Masen. You're a good person, and you deserve to be happy. I'm sorry you're going through this…whatever it is you're going through, but don't forget who you are, okay?"

Ah, Alice. Underneath it all, she always knew how to comfort me. She was most definitely our mother's daughter.

The verdict was still out for me.

"I love you, Alice. I'm sorry again, you know, for being a prick."

"I love you too, brother. Our dysfunctionality is what makes us, us." She added with a smile.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

Dysfunctionality was definitely a top trait in the Masen gene pool.

I had the following day off from work, thankfully, and spent it mostly lounging around the house, once again half naked due to the heat. Dad was nowhere to be found for the majority of the day, which I was also thankful for. It gave me the opportunity to think about what Alice had said, about me being my mother's son, without having to stare that asshole in the face like I was looking in a mirror.

Was she right? Maybe. It was the same shit my Uncle Carlisle tried to tell me every time we talked; that I was a Cullen, too.

But did that change anything? At the end of the day, both the Cullens and the Masens were more or less the same: fucking South Side trash. Sure, my Uncle got out of the slums, but did that make him any better? Any worse? I wasn't sure. Sure, my mother was a good person, despite her poor upbringing, but did that change the outcome? Certainly not. She died just as poor as she was born, she died an addict, and her body rests forever underneath this fucking city of Chicago, in a graveyard full of her friends and neighbors who suffered the same fate.

Charlie Swan's words ran through my mind: "You gotta let her go. She's better than this place…"

Yes, she is. So was my mother.

It didn't fucking change anything.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

I worked the lunch shift the following day, and managed to successfully ignore Lauren for the majority of it. She caught me as I was on my way out, batting her eyelashes in what I guess was a shitty attempt at flirting. She looked like she had something in her eye.

"You wanna go out for drinks again soon, babe?"

I somehow managed to suppress rolling my eyes.

"Maybe one day, Lauren."

Eric, who was smoking a cig outside, overheard us and laughed as I finally made it out the door.

"Damn, Masen, you're cold."

I lit up a cigarette of my own. "Cold? Nah, man. She knew what she was getting into."

"I guess when you look like you do you can get away with whatever you want, huh?"

My eyebrow lifted, though I couldn't repress my smirk. Yeah, being a good looking dude had its perks. I shrugged at Eric. "Yeah, maybe, but I wouldn't say Lauren is exactly what I want."

The words felt bitter coming out of my mouth. There was only one thing I really wanted, and it was the one thing I couldn't fucking get.

My spirits were lifted a bit as I strolled through the hot sun back towards home. Seeing Bella again felt more like a dream, like she wasn't really here in Chicago, and even though her absence had killed me for two years, the thought of it now was slightly comforting.

I could function without her. It hurt, often and painfully, but I had figured out how to move on. I could live without love. It was much harder to function when love lived across the street, sharing a bedroom with someone else and taunting me with songs of what I'd lost.

So, yeah, I was in a better fucking mood within my newfound mindset that Bella was not here.

It was short lived. As soon as I turned down my block, I saw her. She was sitting on her Dad's front porch, smoking what looked like a joint. Fuck. There was no way to avoid her, now; her house was directly across the street from my own. She would see me.

My feet felt like they were dragging as I slowly approached the gate to my house. When I undid the latch, it squeaked, loud and unforgiving, causing me to wince. With a glance across the street, I saw Bella's head lift up in response to the sound, her big brown eyes landing right on mine.

Fuck.

"Hey, Bella," I greeted her weakly, my heart in my fucking throat.

She nodded at me, taking a long drag of whatever she was smoking. "Hey."

I stood there awkwardly for a second, feeling my heart beat out of my chest, contemplating what to fucking do next. Should I just turn and go inside? Do I say something else, start a conversation?

My mind was screaming at me to get the fuck out of there, flight instinct fucking activated, but the pounding muscle in my chest wouldn't allow it. No, I couldn't turn away from her.

"How've you been?"

Her perfect eyebrow shot up, causing a stir in my stomach. Quickly, memories of that look flashed behind my eyes, making my dick twitch to life. I suppressed a groan- the last thing I needed was to pitch a fucking tent right now.

"Uh, fine. You?"

"Yeah. Um, fine, too." I managed to stutter out. "It's been pretty hot out, huh?"

She snorted, snubbing out her joint and standing from her spot on Charlie's stoop.

"Really, Edward?"

She was a good twenty feet away from me, all the way across the street, but I could still see the irritation flash in her eyes.

"What?"

"There's no one else here." She said, motioning around with her arm. "No need to exchange fucking pleasantries about the weather."

Stunned, I waited for her to speak again.

"Let's just cut the bullshit, okay?"

"Uh, okay…" I managed to mutter in response.

"Great. Thanks." She mumbled before turning around and entering the house with a slam of the screen door.

Fuck.

So she was fucking mad at me. I knew it; Alice was wrong the other night when she said Bella wouldn't care if I came to her show. Of course she would- she fucking hated me, clearly. Pain ripped through my chest, a familiar feeling at this point, and I once again resigned to spending the rest of the night locked inside my bedroom, unwilling to deal with the outside world.

I managed to avoid my sister until Friday night, when she knocked on my door asking if I was ready to go. We argued, as usual, until she finally relented, realizing there was no way in hell I was going out with them to see Bella play. The thought of spending a Friday night alone was a fucking bummer, as I really could have used a few drinks and a good time, but I knew I couldn't handle watching my girl sing to a crowded bar again. I also knew she didn't fucking want me to.

Alice didn't come home that night, I assumed she stayed at Jasper and Rose's, so the house was quiet when I woke up Saturday morning. It was the first Saturday in a while that I wasn't fucking hungover, and despite the gnawing, heartbroken feeling I'd become so accustomed to, I was in a fairly decent mood.

I called Emmett around noon. He answered promptly.

"What's up, Masen!" He greeted me. I heard laughter in the background.

"Hey, man, what's up? What're you doing today?"

More laughter through the phone. "I spent the night with Rose. I'm here with Jazz and your sister, man. Come the fuck over!"

I laughed at the sound of ruckus behind him. "What are you guys doing?"

"Dude, tell him to shut the fuck up and get his ass over here!" Jazz yelled through the phone. "We got a big bowl pack with your name on it, Edward. Let's fucking go!"

I made it to the Hale house by one, grateful to spend some time with my friends and potentially feel normal again. Albeit, my version of normal was a pathetic, heartbroken one, it was welcomed to the panicked confusion I'd been feeling the past week.

Hearing the laughter coming from Jasper's shed, I made my way through the backyard to find the makeshift man-cave filled with my friends…and that big, tattooed dude who was my Bella's boyfriend…and sitting next to him, Bella.

As per usual, all I could fucking see was her: She was wearing a tight black tank top and denim shorts, leaving nothing to my imagination… I noticed, now, that her arms had been filled with tattoos, like her legs. My cock stirred in my pants, interested as ever.

"Ayo, Masen!" Emmett's booming voice was enough for me to drag my eyes away from Bella. "Happy Saturday, brother man!"

I narrowed my eyes at him, before shooting my sister a glare. She shrugged at me apologetically, snuggling into Jasper beside her on the couch.

Someone could have warned me.

"Happy Saturday, bro." I finally replied, flopping down on the recliner in the farthest corner of the shed. "Why are you guys in here? It's hot as balls."

"Bella and Jake have new tattoos that can't go in the sun yet." Rosalie spoke up. "So we're in the shade."

"Oh. That's cool." I muttered, reaching forward to grab the bong off the table.

"Thanks, dude!" Jake spoke up now, his voice grating my ears and making me flinch.

"Jake's a tattoo artist." Alice added, as if I gave a fuck what the dude did.

"That's cool." I repeated before taking a hit of weed. The smoke filling my lungs soothed me almost immediately, and I let myself sit back and close my eyes as I exhaled.

"Why didn't you come out last night, man?" Jake's loud voice snapped my eyes back open. "I was hoping to see you there! I finally get to meet all these friends Bells has been going on about."

My eyes narrowed. Bells? What a fucking cornball. I shot a glance at Bella, who was suppressing a smirk.

"Oh, uh, I was tired, I guess." I mumbled, confused by his question. Why would he want me there? Its not like I was ever really Bella's friend, and I certainly wouldn't want to meet the guy who'd fucked my girlfriend before me.

James, bloody on the ground after my fists made contact with his face, sprang to mind. I repressed a shudder.

"You should have come." Bella said, her voice snapping me out of my reverie. She was looking at me, her brown eyes burning into mine, trying to convey something unsaid that I couldn't understand. "Jake wants to get to know you guys. He only knows what I've told him."

Her eyes stayed locked with mine, and I tried, desperately, to not be so distracted by their beauty so I could understand what she was trying to tell me.

He only knows what I've told him.

Oh. She never told him about us.

The realization, for some reason, sent a laugh out of my chest, unexpected and insane-sounding. Bella smirked again before looking away from me, though I couldn't understand why.

She never told him about us…about me. What did that mean? Was she ashamed? Maybe she didn't want a repeat of what went down between me and James…though Jake didn't seem like the type. No, Jake seemed calm, cool and collected; the complete opposite of myself.

This realization also shed a light on my conversation with Bella from earlier in the week, when she'd told me to cut the bullshit. There was to be a lot of bullshit, when others were around. A lot of pretending feelings didn't exist, a lot of casual small talk to mask the overwhelming desperation I felt towards her. I understood now.

This was all going to be bullshit.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

I managed to stick it out for the rest of the day, just trying to avoid listening to Jake's obnoxious jokes and stories about his escapades through the Arizona desert with my girl.

Around six o'clock, when the sun was a bit lower in the sky, Emmett decided we should pool our money towards a half-keg and get fucked up in his backyard.

"Dude, my mom's boyfriend set up a fucking pool back there. A whole pool. We gotta go."

The promise of drunken swimming was more than enough to get everyone on board; it was so fucking hot outside, we were desperate to cool off. Even Bella got excited by the idea.

"I gotta run home and grab my bathing suit!"

As soon as the words left her mouth, my eyes shot to her, raking up and down her body and anticipating the sight of Bella in a swimsuit. It was something they hadn't got to see before.

Jake's eyes have, I'm sure. Did people have pools in Phoenix? Probably.

"I don't think that's such a good idea, babes. Chlorine is really bad for new tats…" Jake drifted off as he spoke, Bella's obvious disappointment rendering him silent, for once. My hands clenched into fists, fucking pissed at him for upsetting her. Who cares about a stupid fucking tattoo?

"Dude, come on. Bella here has handled a lot worse shit than some chlorine on a tattoo. Am I right, Edward?" Emmett laughed, jabbing his elbow into my ribs. I shoved him away, nervously glancing at Bella again. She just rolled her eyes.

"Ignore him, Jacob. He's an idiot…he's right, though. I'll be fine, I'll keep my arm out of the water."

"That might be hard if you're drinking, you know. And splashing…"

What a fucking pussy. I scoffed, involuntarily, earning a confused glance from Jake and a glare from Bella.

I gave her my best apologetic look in return. She rolled her eyes.

"I'll be fine, Jake. Come on, let's go get our bathing suits." She turned to him, grabbing his hand. I winced at the contact, feeling a phantom Bella's hand in mine.

Fuck, was I going insane? Maybe I was just high.

"Well, I'm not going in." Jake grumbled, following Bella out of the shed like an obedient dog. I laughed again, and quickly, before she made it out the door, Bella looked back at me and smiled.