~O~
You can't stop yourself, don't want to feel
Don't want to see what you've become
You can't walk away from who you are
Never give in
Where is the edge of your darkest emotions?
Why does it all survive?
Where is the light of your deepest devotions?
I pray that it's still alive
~Where Is The Edge by Within Temptation~
Chapter Sixteen
Hawke sat cross-legged on the bed that had become hers and Anders' bed in the Darktown clinic, the dim light that filtered in from the high window the only indication of the time of day. She stared at him, her brow wrinkled in thought while she struggled to come to grips with just how much her life had been altered by their journey underground, and not all of it was positive. A part of her mourned the simplicity her past self had enjoyed, but she had to face this new reality, fate had made sure she had no other choice.
"Let me see if I have this right. What you're saying, is that after three weeks of agonizing and life-threatening fevers I have no memories of, the taint has turned me into… What, some kind of orgasm demon that needs to constantly have sex in order to feed the taint, otherwise it will drain my life and kill me?"
Anders scrubbed a hand across his stubbled cheek from where he sat beside her, his legs stretched out in front of him, his back propped against the headboard. "No, Marian, there is no demon involved, you know that. How about this? Think of the taint as a parasite, your body is the host and to keep in good health and minimize the negative effects, you have to take certain steps, that's all. Don't make it worse in your mind than it is."
Her mouth twisted in a sardonic smile while she pondered his words, her gaze firmly fastened to his. And what about this? You don't find this rather astonishing and a little disturbing?
His eyes crinkled with his smile. "I've had the better part of three weeks to get used to hearing you in my mind, love. It would bother me more if I could no longer hear you speaking to me that way." Besides, think of all the fun we could have with this, and no one else the wiser that we can communicate silently. The possibilities are endless.
"Hysterics and a mental breakdown on my part would be an overreaction to all this, then, in your opinion?" She raised a brow, her smile turning teasing.
"A bit." He lifted her hand he held to his mouth, brushing his lips slowly across her skin. "Is daily sex with your healer, who loves you to distraction, and the ability to communicate across a battlefield with said healer really so terrible to you?"
"No, of course not," she said, expression contrite, her stomach dropping at the thought that she had hurt his feelings with her careless, flippant words. "I'm sorry, Anders, I must sound very ungrateful to you, when nothing could be further from the truth. I cherish our relationship and everything about it. It's just that I went to sleep and woke up to so many changes, and…"
"It's a lot to take in, Marian, I know. I do understand, love." He pulled her into his arms, resting his head against hers. "Give yourself some time, it will become less overwhelming." He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Do you feel ready to go and speak to your mother and brother now? Or, would you rather go see Varric first?"
She sat up more, turning in his arms to see his face. "Let's go see my family first, then we can go sort out business with Varric." She traced a finger around one of his ears, turning pensive. "Are you certain you don't mind running all these errands with me? Because I could certainly try and go on my own…"
Anders cut off her words with a slow, tender kiss, his thumb stroking her cheek when he moved back to look into her eyes. "I spent the better part of three weeks begging the Maker and any other deity that was listening, not to take away the woman I love. We've only just found each other, Marian, I'm not letting you out of my sight. You're going to have to resign yourself to my hovering for a while, it comes with the territory of overprotective healer, to say nothing of your jealous lover."
Her smile was bright, her eyes suspiciously moist. "It just so happens that I adore overprotective hovering, but only from you, love. Should we get dressed and go?"
His smile turned to the naughty look she loved, while he pushed up the tunic that was the only clothing she wore. "You need a restorative session with your healer first, chronic conditions require very careful management. We can't neglect your needs...or mine."
Marian laughed, moving to straddle him after he tossed her tunic away, leaving them both naked. "Ah, a restorative session. Is that what we're calling it now? Very well, take care of me."
"Oh, I intend to," he purred, in the deep tone that always fired her blood, pulling her to him for a kiss.
An hour later, Marian knocked on the door to her uncle's residence, trying to calm a sudden case of nervous jitters, Anders touch on the back of her neck bringing instant relief. Her mother opened the door and immediately burst into tears at the sight of her, pulling her close.
"Oh, thank the Maker! Marian, I was sure something awful had happened to you, I can't tell you how relieved I am."
"It's alright, I'm fine, Mother."
Leandra hugged her eldest child tightly before releasing her and dabbing at her eyes, looking at the man standing behind her daughter. "Anders, thank you so much for watching over Marian, I can never thank you enough."
He slipped Marian's hand into his, smiling at Leandra Hawke. "It was my privilege to care for Marian, Mistress Hawke, and I will continue to do so."
"Please, won't you call me Leandra? It feels like you're practically family now," she said with a radiant smile at their joined hands.
He gave a small nod. "Of course, Leandra, thank you."
"Can I offer you both some tea, inside?"
"Mother, we can't stay, I have to go see Varric about some business. But I wanted you to know that I am well, and this venture was very profitable for me. As soon as I can sort out new accommodation, I'm going to get you and Carver out of Lowtown. Is Carver here?"
Leandra's smile faltered briefly before she recovered. "No, dear, Carver isn't here just now, but I'm so excited about your news. I knew you would be successful in this, as you ever were with anything you set your mind on." She kissed her daughter's cheek and beamed at her and Anders. "I won't keep you from your business any longer with my chatter. Marian, I'm so very proud of you, and your father would be too, he always was."
"Thank you, Mother," she said in a voice tight with emotion. "I'll return when I have news."
"Goodbye, dears!" Leandra stepped back inside and closed the door. Hawke turned away and released a shaky breath, reaching up to dash away an errant tear.
"Sweetheart," Anders murmured, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her against him. She looked up into his concerned brown eyes and smiled.
"This has been my goal, what has driven me since I first set foot in Kirkwall, to give Mother and Carver a better life. Despite all the obstacles, it's finally happening, Anders. I do want to think my Father would be proud of me."
He slid his hand underneath the hair on the back of her neck, as he frequently did and gave her a soft smile. "You father would be proud, of course he would. You should be proud of yourself, Marian."
Thanks, love. Should we go see Varric now?
Anders grinned and took her hand again. This little ability will be handy when Isabela is trying to eavesdrop on us, you know.
Hawke chuckled. I suppose it will, at that. She stopped suddenly and tipped her face up, breathing deep and smiling happily. "I will never take this for granted again, fresh air and sunlight. A richness no amount of gold can take the place of."
Minutes later, Anders pushed open the door to the Hanged Man and waited for Marian to walk through first. It was still early in the day, and there were only a few patrons scattered among several tables. They made their way up the steps to the second level. Marian knocked on the closed door, grinning when her favorite dwarf opened it.
"Hawke?! Andraste's ass! Come here!" Varric pulled her down into a fierce hug, making her laugh in surprise and tear up, deeply touched by his uncharacteristic show of emotion. "You know you scared the shit outta me."
"I seem to be scaring the shit out of everyone, these days," she quipped. "It's nice to know I was missed."
Varric pulled away a moment later and turned. "Got something in my eye, dammit. Come in, come in. Blondie, you did it!" He faced the healer with a smirk, Anders returning the look with a modest smile and shrug. "I owe you a shit-ton of drinks. Let me just shout at Norah."
While he stepped out, Hawke and Anders sat down at the oversized table. Varric came back in, closed the door and joined them. "Norah will bring up some drinks and stew shortly." He leveled his gaze at Hawke. "How do you feel? All better, or did some of it...linger?"
She pursed her lips. "I don't remember three weeks of my life." She looked at the man beside her before turning back to Varric. "But I am well enough, thanks to Anders' excellent care. There are a few adjustments I am still making, and he helps me with those as well." Anders reached out and covered one of her hands with his and her tense shoulders relaxed and she exhaled in apparent relief.
"She'll be fine, and she's as fit as she was before, the taint didn't change that," he murmured in a soothing tone.
Varric looked back and forth between them and whistled. "I didn't think you two could be even more like two halves of a whole, but damn." He shook his head and lifted a large box off the floor, placing it on the table, and pulled quill, ink and paper nearer. Varric cracked his knuckles and smiled. "Alright, let's get down to business."
Hawke stretched, grateful when Anders lightly massaged her neck and shoulders after the two hours of working out all the financial details of her portion of the Deep Roads venture. She smiled at Varric, more relaxed now that the tedious business was concluded.
"I can't wait to see Carver's face when he finds out how much we've come up in the world from this. Have you seen him today, Varric?" She gave him a puzzled look. "He wasn't there when I went to see Mother."
When Varric didn't immediately answer and avoided her gaze, she leaned forward with narrowed eyes, immediately suspicious. "Has something happened to Carver? If it has, just tell me, Varric, I need to know."
He held out a placating hand. "It's not so much what's happened to him, as it is...who he works for now."
"Just tell me," she repeated, her heart drumming with fear and uncertainty that not even Anders' touch could fully banish.
Varric sighed. "He's joined the templars, Hawke, apparently right after we left for the deep roads. He wanted me to send word to him at the Gallows, as soon as you were back in town, which I did just after you arrived earlier."
She looked back and forth between Anders' angry face and Varric's worried, sympathetic one, struggling to fully grasp what her dwarf friend had said. "What...what do you mean?" she whispered. "Carver wouldn't...he wouldn't…"
"Yeah," Varric looked down, his voice growing quieter. "That's what I thought about Bartrand too. I'm sorry, Hawke."
Tears stung her eyes, but she forced them back with a bitter laugh after it fully sunk in, her brother had joined her enemies. He must truly hate her. What other proof could she need than his actions after she left? They definitely spoke louder than any words ever could, and his last words to her had been anything but loving. When she looked at Varric, her eyes were haunted.
"I guess we belong to a very exclusive club, Varric; Betrayed by Brothers." She clenched her jaw, her mouth tightening. "We should get matching coats made, perhaps depicting a person stabbing another one in the back. We'll be the envy of all Kirkwall." She stood and turned toward the door without another word, her hand in Anders'.
"We'll see you tomorrow, Varric," Anders threw over his shoulder as they walked out and down the stairs.
Varric watched them go, sighed and shook his head. "Well...shit."
The following day found Hawke, Anders and Varric coming out of the Viscount's Keep. Hawke had successfully petitioned to have the family estate returned to her mother and herself. But her disappointment with Carver was still coloring her mood, despite so many positives. She was bemused to see templar armor in her peripheral view, as someone exited the Keep right after them.
"Lady Hawke, you are the talk of the town today. May I say what a pleasure it is to see you once again?"
She pasted on a charming smile when the red-haired templar lifted her hand and kissed it. "Lovely to see you, Ser Thrask. I hope you are well."
"Very well, indeed. You will be proud to know that your brother has surpassed all other recruits since he joined the Order, and has already been made a full knight. I have only recently learned he is your relation, but I can readily see the resemblance."
Her smile tightened. "Carver always surprises me with what he's capable of. No doubt he will make quite a name for himself as one of the Order's finest." She turned and gestured toward the dwarf and man beside her. "Ser Thrask, may I present my friends and business associates? This is Varric, head of the Dwarven Merchant's Guild in Kirkwall, and Anders, a gifted healer and Grey Warden."
"How do you do, Serrah?" Varric said cordially. Anders nodded, and Thrask dipped his head respectfully.
"Varric, Anders, a pleasure to make your acquaintance." He turned back to Marian. "Lady Hawke, I do hope you will visit us at the Gallows again soon, your presence brings such a breath of fresh air. I know the Knight-Captain would welcome you, and your brother, of course."
Hawke shrugged and winked. "One never knows where the wind might blow you. We must get on, but do take care, Ser Thrask."
"Blighted templars everywhere," Anders muttered quietly after they walked away. When the Keep was well behind them, Hawke let her false smile fade, her jaw clenched angrily. "I need to go kill something, Varric. Know of any paying jobs?"
Varric gave her a long look. "Not that you need the coin, but there are a few bounties available, out along the coast. You feel like taking a walk?"
"Sounds perfect." Her smile was dangerous.
Carver Hawke grunted, slashing his practice sword against the wooden dummy, then spun in a whirlwind strike, sending the dummy's head flying far across the empty practice yard. Straightening, he swiped the back of his arm across his forehead, wiping away the rivulets of sweat while he allowed himself a small glimmer of satisfaction. His skills had noticeably improved since he joined the Order which wasn't surprising, really, as he had far more time for drills and practice. Much more than he ever did while following his sister all over Kirkwall, like her faithful mabari.
He frowned, his thoughts circling back to Mari, as they seemed to do more frequently since the day he had spoken to Varric and learned she was tainted. No matter how hard he tried not to, he kept picturing her with black lines of taint like spider webbing under her skin, bloodshot eyes and visibly sick, like Ser Wesley. Like before Aveline had to… He clenched his jaw, stopping that line of thought and pushing away the sick feeling he got in his gut whenever he contemplated his sister's possible fate.
"That was even faster and better than last time, Ser Carver, and I didn't know there was any more room left for you to improve. I don't think any of the other knights come anywhere close to the level of skill that you and the Knight-Captain command. I bet even the Knight-Commander couldn't beat you in a duel."
Carver tried to stop his smile, knew he really shouldn't encourage a friendship with the young mage, but he couldn't help it, he liked her. Turning, he shook his head at the blonde seated at the base of a statue of a warrior, avidly watching him, as she did frequently.
"You know you really aren't supposed to be all the way over here, Ineria, no matter how much you may stroke my ego or butter me up with your praise."
She stood and huffed at him in an offended manner. "I'm only telling the truth. If you were terrible," she looked around and dropped her voice to a whisper. "Like Ser Conrad, then I would have no reason to watch." Stretching out a hand, she pulled the severed head of the dummy to her with her magic, then walked forward and offered it to him with a grin.
He took it and reached out and tugged playfully on her long ponytail. "You're the little pebble in my shoe, I can't seem to get rid of you."
She crossed her arms and shrugged, the teasing look in her brown eyes reminding him so much of Bethany, that he had to briefly look away. "You like me, Ser Carver. Your older sister likes me too, you know, that one time I met her." Her smile faded and she looked down at her shoes, digging the toe of one of her slippers against the stone. "Have you had any word of her yet?"
He turned to put the practice sword in the rack with all the others. "No. Still nothing."
The sound of approaching footsteps had Ineria ducking behind the warrior statue, until the Knight-Captain came into view and stopped next to Carver, then she emerged with a bright smile. Cullen frowned.
"Ineria, how many times do I…" Sighing, he shook his head and turned to Carver, holding out a sealed note. "This just came for you, Carver."
With furrowed brows, Carver ripped it open and scanned the note, his shoulders dropping with relief when he exhaled loudly. He looked at Cullen. "Mari's back, she's fine. Thank the Maker, she's not dead somewhere in the deep roads."
"But that's wonderful news, Ser Carver!" Ineria chirped, stepping closer, her smile encompassing both templars.
"Will you go and see her?" Cullen asked quietly. "I can accompany you, if you like."
After reading the note again, Carver shook his head. "Varric thinks I should wait a bit, give her some time. Says she's still recovering from the illness."
Cullen drew a slow breath. "That's probably wise advice. I believe she was...very unwell."
Tilting his head, Carver gave him a long, searching look, but didn't voice the question in his eyes. Instead, he turned to look at the young mage and Cullen did the same. With wide eyes, she dropped to her knees and clasped her hands before her, in the position of a supplicant. Cullen breathed a laugh, already knowing what was coming.
"Please, please, please, Knight-Captain, sir! Have mercy and don't send me back just yet. I'll be bored out of my mind...please?"
Sharing an amused look with Carver, Cullen crossed his arms, a reluctant smile tugging at his mouth. "Alright, go and get the board, but be quick, and be sure no one sees you."
With a delighted squeal, she jumped to her feet, ran back to the warrior statue and emerged with the chess set in her hands, her smile beatific. Clearly, she had planned ahead.
"Why can't I ever say no to you, Ineria?" Cullen muttered.
Her brown eyes sparkled with suppressed mirth. "Because you are a wonderful person, Knight-Captain, and I am a wonderful person, and wonderful people enjoy being kind to one another."
"Go and set it up at the table over there." Cullen pointed to the other side of the courtyard, that was meant to be reserved for templar use only. Carver smirked, dropping his voice while the girl ran to do as bidden.
"You can't say no to her for the same reason I can't. Because she reminds us of Mari, silver tongue and all. If she's this persuasive at fourteen, can you imagine when she's all grown up?"
"Probably best not to think of that," Cullen said with a grimace. "I wonder if this isn't how fathers feel when they think of their daughters growing up."
Sharing a smile, the templars went to play chess with their charge.
A week after petitioning the Viscount for the return of the estate, Leandra, Marian and Anders moved into the newly refurbished Hightown mansion. Bodhan and Sandal also became residents there, with Bodhan acting as butler and servant to the household in repayment for a life debt he felt he owed Hawke. She had retrieved Sandal from a grim fate when he got lost early on during the Deep Roads venture. Bodhan was determined to serve her, in thanks, though she insisted on paying him before she agreed. They had all gotten used to the comfortable, luxurious home in no time, and two weeks later, Leandra was preparing to host a dinner for all of Hawke's friends.
"Oh, Marian," Leandra called from the front entryway, and Hawke looked down from the library balcony, where she had spent the morning doing some reading and organizing the books she and Anders had acquired between them.
"Yes, Mother?"
"I ordered a delivery of fresh flowers for this evening, and I thought to put in an order for more wine as well. Is that alright? Oh, and I heard your Anders mention he has a bit of a sweet tooth, so I think I'll get an assortment of desserts from Henri's. Do you need anything while I'm out?"
Hawke smiled, her heart warmed by the enthusiasm and happiness her mother exuded since they had moved in. There was a sparkle in Leandra's eyes and an energetic spring in her step that she hadn't seen since before her father's death, and Hawke felt it had been worth all the effort she had gone to, just to see her mother so happy.
"That all sounds lovely, Mother. I don't need anything, but you know I want you to spend whatever you like. Just have the merchants bill me, as usual."
Leandra picked up her shopping basket. "I almost forgot, there was a delivery for you from Madame Dupre's shop, another from The Golden Hammer, and a few others. I put them on the upper hall table, outside your bedroom. I'll see you shortly, dear."
Curious, Hawke went down the library stairs, through the office and sitting room and made her way to the wing of bedrooms. Spying the mountain of packages, she chuckled and gathered them all, bumping open the half-closed bedroom door with her hip, and closing it the same way. Anders turned from where he was writing at his desk in a corner of the room, smiling at all the bags and boxes.
"I don't know which of you is the more enthusiastic shopper, you or your mother." He stood and walked over to the bed, surveying the pile where she had dumped everything.
Hawke grinned. "Mother, definitely Mother. I am a focused, precision shopper, whereas Mother is more like Varric's hail of arrows, hitting every shop in range." She picked out a large box, tilting her head as she showed it to Anders. "I didn't order anything from The Golden Hammer, did you?"
Anders gave her an amused smile. "Since when do I go shopping? You know I can't be bothered with anything so frivolous."
She refrained from rolling her eyes and opened the box, gasping at what she saw. She pulled out a leather and velvet mage's coat in deep green and gold, perfectly suited to Anders, then a much smaller leather and velvet fitted coat in a deep burgundy, with matching leather pants. "Maker's breath," she said in an awed voice, "these are beautiful."
Bending down, Anders picked up the card that had fluttered to the floor, opened it and read aloud.
"Hawke and Blondie,
You are both desperately in need of something new that reflects your status in Kirkwall, and doesn't smell like darkspawn or mabari drool. No need to thank me, just buy me a couple drinks next time you're at the Hanged Man and we'll call it even.
Varric"
"That was very thoughtful of Varric to go to so much trouble for us. Also, smart that he chose blood red for me, for obvious reasons."
Anders took the coat she thrust against his chest and looked at it thoughtfully. "I suppose I am looking rather worn and untidy lately. Justice has no real concept of personal appearance and grooming, but I don't want to reflect poorly on you."
"You don't reflect poorly on me, love, regardless of what you wear or don't wear." Setting aside the attire from Varric, she selected a large, cream colored package and turned toward Anders after she opened it.
"How unfortunate that you find my purchases so frivolous," she said with a pouty look she knew Anders found hard to resist. She pulled out lacy smalls and matching breast bands and bustiers in a variety of appealing colors, finally holding up a tiny, lacy small that was not designed to cover much at all. "I suppose I could send them back."
Plucking the black scrap of fabric from her hand and holding it up between them, Anders gave her an intent, hungry look. "You wear this for me and I'll make you come harder than you ever have before, without taking it off. Interested?"
She tilted her head, considering. "I suppose I could let you persuade me. Perhaps this evening, after everyone has gone home?"
He released a frustrated breath. "Blast, I forgot about dinner tonight. Everyone's coming?"
Hawke nodded, gathering the rest of her purchases to take through to their dressing room and bath. "It's the first chance we've had to all get together since before we left for the deep roads. Even Aveline said she would try to be here. Mother is excited to be hosting our friends."
Anders followed her into the dressing room, releasing a low whistle when he saw what she had hung up to wear for the evening; a low-cut, tightly fitted dress in midnight blue, with a generous slit up the side. He met her eyes and smirked. "Little black smalls and this dress, Marian? Do you want to make me absolutely desperate for you by night's end?"
"I like it when you're desperate for me, Anders, your intensity in such a state is breathtaking." She turned to pull out shoes from a high shelf, smiling when he slid his arms around her from behind, pulling her back against his chest. He cupped her breast with one hand, his thumb sliding slowly back and forth across her nipple through the fabric of her top. Her arousal burst forth at his touch, sudden and strong, making her magic expand and rise around them both in a sensual fog, like a siren song. She knew he felt it, his smile against her neck where he pressed a kiss, obvious proof.
"Would you like a starter now?" he murmured. "A little something to whet your appetite for later, perhaps?"
Through her will alone, Marian pushed through the magical haze of lust and desire that could nearly incapacitate her, determined not to allow the taint to decide all her actions. She turned to face him, grazing her lips across his stubbled cheek and catching his earlobe lightly between her teeth before she released it.
"I think we can wait. Just think of the...anticipation coursing through us both as the hours slowly tick by."
He lifted his head, his gaze focused on her lips before he met her eyes. "You are a cruel little minx, Marian. Very well, if you're really determined to burn, I suppose I'll let you." He stepped back from her with a smile tinged heavily with his confident arrogance. "But I predict you won't make it all the way through dinner." He narrowed his eyes. "And no getting yourself off in the bath either, I'll know if you do. If we're doing this, then you can't cheat."
She crossed her arms. "I wouldn't dream of cheating, and I promise I won't touch myself either."
His expression grew serious as he ran a thoughtful, assessing look over her. "Will you be alright now if I run down to the clinic for an hour or two? There have been many more sick children recently with what's been going around, and I want to help them if I can."
Marian's eyes softened with concern. "Of course, love, don't worry about me, I'm much better than I was before. You go on and I'll see you when you get back."
"I'll return before dinner." He kissed her, turned and left, leaving her musing over what the evening might hold.
oOo