A/N: Sorry for the delay! I promise, I didn't forget about the story. I had planned to finish this chapter before my family came to visit, but Sharon needed more time and then I couldn't just stop at the end of the first part, so then I had to wait until I had time to finish the second part, too. I'm still not sure how I feel about this one, but I'm posting it anyway. That's just how it goes sometimes, right?
Sharon rolled over in bed and cracked an eye to look at her alarm clock: 6:05am. She groaned and turned away from the angry red numbers, pulling the covers up over her head in protest. All she wanted was to go back to sleep and enjoy a lazy Sunday, but the moment she came to consciousness, the events of the previous evening came flooding back, settling into a heavy, aching knot in her stomach that had nothing to do with the wine she'd consumed.
She closed her eyes and tried to even out her breathing again, but it was no use. She let out a heavy sigh and pushed back the covers, resigned to the fact that there would be no leisurely dozing to be had today. She threw on a pair of soft lounge pants and wrapped herself in her favorite sweater before heading toward the kitchen.
Sharon started the coffee and then leaned on the counter, staring through the gurgling machine as though she didn't even see it. Jack had signed the papers. He had actually signed them. She had been preparing herself for the distinct possibility that he would challenge the petition, but he hadn't. One final court date and it would be over, and after last night, she really hoped he wouldn't bother to show up for the hearing at all. Soon her marriage would be annulled, the marriage she'd hung onto for decades, and she felt…nothing. Well, maybe not nothing, but…detached, numb almost. Maybe it was all the years of separation, but more likely, it was because it was the rest of Jack's visit that had her insides roiling.
The silence signaling the coffee was ready broke her out of her thoughts. She filled a cup with the piping hot liquid and added more cream than she normally would, seeking additional comfort in her morning beverage. Bringing the mug up to her nose to inhale the rich aroma, her stomach twisted and she set the mug back on the counter. She wasn't hungry at all, she still felt somewhat nauseated, but she needed to at least get something in her stomach. Opening the refrigerator, she was confronted with the giant bowl of chocolate mousse, barely touched the previous evening. She'd been so out-of-sorts after Jack left she hadn't even offered to send any of it home with Brenda.
Brenda…just the thought of her friend sent a wave of gentle warmth rippling through her body, clashing with the sickening ache in the pit of her stomach. It was all rather confusing. She sighed and closed the refrigerator again, deciding that a piece of toast would have to do for now. She didn't think she could keep much else down at the moment. The mousse would have been too sweet for her this early in the morning even if her stomach was more settled, but the blonde…the corner of Sharon's mouth twitched with the hint of a smile as she thought about Brenda, who would have absolutely no problem whatsoever devouring a bowl or two of chocolate mousse for breakfast—or at any other hour. It really was a shame Jack had turned up and ruined the evening..
Sharon felt her anger and frustration flare, and she slammed the toast down into the toaster harder than necessary. She sighed, it wasn't the toaster's fault, but she needed to let some of it out one way or another. Being angry at Jack? That was easy, familiar. She was used to Jack flinging wild accusations at her. They were hurtful, sure, but ultimately, she'd never done anything to feel guilty about, so she'd learned to let them roll off and not to engage when he got like that.
It was different this time, though. This time, what he said had hit her like a gut punch. As much as she'd tried to brush it off, she couldn't shake what he'd said. Which was silly, because she certainly hadn't been fucking anyone, as he so eloquently put it. So why was she feeling so defensive about him misunderstanding her having drinks and dessert with Brenda?
The toast popped up and Sharon practically jumped out of her skin. She took a deep breath and set about fixing her toast, trying to focus solely on the task at hand and not let her mind wander. When she was finished, she took the toast and her mug of coffee and went to sit down. She choked down a couple bites of her toast without even really tasting them and washed them down with several sips of coffee, now at the perfect temperature. She allowed her eyes to close as she focused on the warmth traveling down her throat.
With no other source of distraction, Sharon's mind drifted back to the topic at hand. When she really stopped to think about it, the issue wasn't that Jack had jumped to conclusions about her evening. What was…bothering her…was that there may have actually been a tiny grain of truth buried in his accusation. And that realization had come as a shock to Sharon. Her level of self-awareness was generally quite high, subjecting herself as she did to even more intense scrutiny than the people around her. She didn't like surprises, and this whole situation made her feel like she'd been knocked completely off balance. It was…disconcerting…
So…what was going on with Brenda? They were friends, yes. Sharon enjoyed spending time with her. The younger woman had a way of making her feel both wound up and relaxed at the same time. Even before they'd officially become friends, Sharon had felt a connection to the blonde. It was almost magnetic, sometimes drawing her in, sometimes repelling just as strongly. It was confusing and exhilarating, and she had apparently been very neatly compartmentalizing everything in a tightly-closed box in some dark corner of her mind until Jack's words—in typical Jack fashion—came barreling through, smashing it open and stirring things up, leaving her feeling…exposed.
Thinking of Brenda now, Sharon smiled reflexively and felt a familiar warm, buzzing sensation travel through her. Her brain might still be catching up, but her body didn't seem to be having any difficulties processing its feelings for the other woman. She shook her head at herself, not sure how she could have missed it before. IA or not, she was starting to question her observational skills as a police officer…was she losing it or was she just that good at compartmentalization? She hoped it was the latter…
And what did this…new development mean, her being…drawn to the blonde? Was she gay now? She didn't feel gay—not that she had any idea what that even meant. She just felt like herself. But her self was apparently attracted to another woman now, so…that seemed to make her…something other than straight. She didn't have a better label for it than that at the moment, and she wasn't sure if she wanted any kind of label at all, really. It was all rather confusing…
Even if she hadn't let herself see it before, had the people around her seen it? Jack had somehow picked up on something—or maybe it had just been an unfortunate combination of projection and dumb luck. Had Brenda picked up on it, too? Did she feel the same way? She'd been married to Fritz and involved with Will Pope before that, so chances were, she didn't. Then again, Sharon was married to Jack…so…maybe it wasn't so black and white...
Sharon tried to recall how the other woman had seemed after Jack's outburst, but, again, found her observational skills sorely lacking. She'd been so shellshocked she hadn't really even taken the time to gauge Brenda's reaction.
She reviewed the situation again, trying to focus on Brenda this time rather than on Jack. The blonde hadn't said anything at all until after Jack had left. Sharon remembered her asking if she was ok, remembered herself recoiling from Brenda's touch, the younger woman helping her clean up, tentatively asking if she wanted to talk about what happened, and then she remembered shutting down and sending Brenda away.
She cringed, holding her head in her hands, and felt her stomach clench with some awful combination of shame and regret, nausea bubbling up once more. She'd been thrown, she'd let Jack get under her skin—again—and had pushed away the one person who had become her greatest source of support lately. Sharon had no idea what Brenda was feeling, but it probably wasn't great after how Sharon had reacted…She let out a slow breath and then put her head down on the table, forehead resting on her folded arms.
Sharon wasn't sure how long she sat like that, but the sound of her phone dinging pulled her back out of her head. She slowly got up and went in search of the device. She'd forgotten to plug it in last night, but it still had a decent charge. Unlocking the screen, she found a new message from Gavin.
How's the case going? Did you get any sleep last night? - G
Gavin…she was planning to text him tomorrow to let him know about Jack signing, she hadn't wanted to bother him with work on the weekend, especially when it wasn't urgent, but now that he'd asked…maybe she could use someone to talk to about what happened, especially since it involved Brenda and she wasn't sure if she was ready to talk to the other woman yet—or if Brenda would even want to talk to her…
I have no idea. Turns out the shooter was an FBI agent, not LAPD, and they swooped in pretty quickly to commandeer the case. Pope ended up sending the rest of us home. I'm not sure whether he was more excited about the overtime savings or ogling me in my dress.. - S
Ew, Sharon! (barfing emoji) - G
Sharon chuckled as she typed out her reply. Gavin did love his emojis. Tell me about it. I'm certainly not looking forward to our next one-on-one… - S
You did look fabulous, though - G
How did you get home? You could have called - G
I know, but Brenda gave me a ride - S
(monocle emoji)
You two have been spending a lot of time together lately… - G
Yes, well, I'm not sure if that will be the case anymore after last night - S
Her phone started ringing before the message even registered as Sent. Sharon groaned, she really didn't want to answer it, but there was no turning back now. Gavin would keep calling, and if she didn't pick up soon, he'd just show up at her door. She swiped to answer the call and was immediately met with an overly dramatic, "Oh my God, what happened last night?!"
When he was met with silence, he pulled the phone away from his ear to make sure it had actually connected and then said, "Sharon?"
Sharon sighed heavily into the phone, pinched the bridge of her nose as she said, "Jack stopped by…" as if that explained everything.
"...and? What happened? What did he want?" Gavin prodded.
"He had the papers with him. He wanted to talk about the annulment."
Gavin just waited, hoping his silence would encourage her to elaborate.
"I was going to tell you tomorrow, but he signed the papers. So it doesn't look like he'll be challenging the grounds after all," Sharon said flatly.
"That's great news!" he exclaimed.
Confused when the only response was a somewhat reluctant hum, he tried again, "...and the twice-divorced Deputy Chief has some kind of an issue with annulments that means she will no longer be interested in spending time with you? I'm sorry, honey, but I find that very hard to believe…"
Sharon sighed again, her free hand rubbing her forehead trying to release the tension that was starting to build there. She might as well just rip the bandaid off.
"Brenda was here and we were having some wine while we waited for the chocolate mousse to finish setting. Jack showed up, banging on the door and yelling. I sent Brenda into the kitchen to serve up the mousse while I figured out what he wanted. He was sober, but was otherwise being his usual, disruptive self, causing a scene in the hallway, so I made the mistake of letting him in." Gavin groaned, but otherwise didn't interrupt now that she was actually sharing.
"I think his plan was to try and talk me out of the annulment," she continued, "but then he noticed I was…tarted up, as he called it, and he made the assumption that I'd been on a date, that I was seeing someone, and that that was why I'd filed."
Sharon paused, taking a sip of her now cold coffee. She made a face as she swallowed the cool liquid and went on, "then, he heard Brenda making noise in the kitchen and saw our wine glasses on the coffee table, and thought he'd caught me with a man in the condo. Needless to say, he was rather surprised to find Brenda in the kitchen instead of the man he'd been expecting." She could hear Gavin trying to suppress a chuckle on the other end of the phone.
"Oh, it gets better," Sharon said wryly. "He was so sure I was seeing someone that he jumped to the only logical conclusion to be drawn from the situation: that I was…'fucking women now'—namely Brenda—at which point he signed the papers. Then, he mockingly wished me luck trying to get married again in the church, called me a 'fucking dyke,' and stormed out," she finished, letting out a shaky breath.
"Oh my God, Sharon. I'm so sorry!" Gavin replied, wishing he could see her to better gauge how she was doing. Unfortunately, his curiosity got the better of him and before he could stop himself. "And? How did Miss Atlanta respond to Jack's charming pronouncements?"
"I don't—she didn't, really. After he left, she asked me if I was ok and if I wanted to talk about it…" Sharon shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "I said no. He really caught me by surprise with this one and I—I short-circuited a little."
"You 'short-circuited' a little?" Gavin asked, not exactly sure what the brunette meant.
"I tried to shake it off, " she said as she shifted again and then stood up, "I almost threw up when I tried to eat dessert, so I told her I wasn't feeling well and sent her home…" She ran a hand through her hair as she started pacing around the room, her body seeking some way to discharge the swirl of tension and emotions flowing through her.
Gavin was about to respond when she started speaking again, her voice small and very un-Sharon-like. "The thing is…" He held his breath. She cleared her throat and started again a little more firmly, "The thing is, maybe Jack wasn't so far off base this time…Now that I've had a chance to think about it, maybe that's why it got to me…why I reacted…poorly."
"Maybe he wasn't so far off base as in maybe you are sleeping with her? Omg Sharon, are you sleeping with Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson?!" he was almost squealing.
"NO! Gavin, No. I'm not sleeping with her…I just—I didn't realize until Jack said what he said last night that she's someone I…might be interested in…" she said softly, her voice trailing off.
"...interested in…romantically? Interested in sleeping with?" Gavin asked, attempting to clarify.
"Yes. Perhaps…" Sharon couldn't help the smile that crept into her voice at her friend's response.
"Oh, honey, that's—" Gavin started, searching for the right words.
"It was a rather surprising revelation," Sharon admitted, somewhat chagrined, "and you know how well I do with surprises." She let out a chuckle, but it sounded more pained than amused.
"I do. You hate them."
"She tried to touch me and I practically jumped out of my skin, Gavin. And then she tried to talk to me and I kicked her out…" She sighed and slumped onto the couch, letting her head drop into her hand again.
"This is big, Sharon. It's a lot to process even when you sort of see it coming, let alone when your soon-to-be-ex comes barrelling in and drops a bomb on you," he said, his voice full of understanding.
"I feel bad for shutting down and sending her away, but I'm still trying to sort things out and—"
"Let's face it," Gavin interrupted, "Jack doesn't exactly create the most safe and supportive environment for vulnerability and deep introspection." Sharon snorted and almost choked. "It's been, what, twelve hours or so since this happened?"
"Mhmm, about that," she agreed.
"Ok, so, you're still sorting things out. Where are you at right now?"
"I don't know, Gavin…"
"Ok, maybe that was too broad of a question. You've realized that you're interested in Brenda romantically? That you're sexually attracted to her?"
"Hmm, yes," she answered, feeling her cheeks flush a deep red as the familiar warm tingling sensation spread through her entire body. "My body seems quite clear on that point…" Gavin could hear the embarrassment in her voice at the admission.
"And…how do you feel about that?" he prodded.
Sharon's brow furrowed in confusion. Hadn't she just told him? "What do you mean?"
"How are you feeling mentally, emotionally, about the fact that you're attracted to a woman?"
"Oh. I don't—It's all so…new. I still feel like I'm the same person, but…how could I not have known? This is kind of a big thing to just…miss…about yourself! I mean it's not like I'm twenty, for fuck's sake!" Her eyes widened in surprise as she heard the words come out of her mouth and then she ran a hand over her face and sighed, "I'm sorry, Gavin."
He pulled the phone away from his ear, silently smirking at his friend's language, but now wasn't the time to tease her about that.
"Don't shoot me, but try not to overthink this, Sharon. I know, I know," he said before she could cut him off. He could practically hear her eyes rolling through the phone as he continued, "You're coming to a new understanding about your sexuality. There's no right or wrong way to go about that. It's not about missing something. You are who you are, but just like with your marriage, things can change or shift over time. If things are a little more fluid for you right now, that's ok, let them be. Also keep in mind that for some people, attraction is about the individual person, rather than a more general category like 'men' or 'women' or 'blondes.'"
"Hmm," she chuckled to herself at his last addition. Gavin did seem to have a thing for blondes.. "I guess I can see that. For a long time, my focus was on digging myself out of the mess Jack left and trying to maintain some sense of stability for the kids. And then it was about advancing my career so I could better provide for them, and Jack was…in and out…"
She paused, shifting to lean her back against one arm of the couch, drawing her knees up and propping one elbow on the back of the couch, "I suppose I really didn't have the bandwidth for anything else. Not that people haven't caught my interest from time to time. But it's been…a while since I've been attracted to anyone so strongly. The feelings are familiar, yet also unfamiliar. It's…odd. As if I'm seeing myself from a different angle for the first time. It's…difficult to articulate."
Gavin smiled to himself. He was secretly thrilled to welcome his friend to the ranks of the other-than-straight, however she might end up defining herself. But more than that, he was thrilled Sharon might finally be open to exploring a romantic relationship with someone other than Jackass Raydor. He took a breath, he needed to stay focused. There were a couple more points he wanted to touch on before leaving Sharon to her own devices again.
"So, now that you've discovered this attraction to Brenda, is that something you think you might act on at some point?" he inquired, carefully.
"I don't—I have no idea how she feels about it, whether that's something she would even be interested in. And if she's not…" Sharon sighed, "We've become closer recently, and her friendship is…important to me. I don't want to do anything that could damage what we have..."
"But, hypothetically, if she were interested in something less platonic: dating, friends with benefits…" he trailed off suggestively, "that's something you would…like to explore?"
"Gavin," she said in warning. He was teasing about the friends with benefits, but still, it was a serious question. He didn't say anything else, letting the silence stretch as she considered her answer. "There are some…complicating factors, but hypothetically, if she were interested, I think I would like to see where things might go, yes…" She spoke softly, but Gavin could hear the hint of a smile in her response.
"Even if engaging in that relationship would lead to changes in your relationship with the Church?" He felt a little bit bad for pushing it, but he knew Sharon, and was more than familiar with the Catholic Church's stance on homosexuality. Being gay in and of itself wasn't the issue, but acting on those feelings was another story…
Sharon sighed, shifting further down on the couch so she could lean her head back against the armrest. "It's—I—I guess I'd have to say the same thing I said to Emily and Ricky. I believe we're all God's children, we all inherently have a spark of divinity in us and that doesn't change depending on what—or who—we do or which way the wind blows on any given Sunday. It just IS. There's nothing my children—or Jack, or the officers I investigate—could ever do or say to change that. And if God truly is love, then how can any loving relationship between two consenting adults be anything other than in alignment with the divine?"
"Father Stan and the congregation at St. Joseph's have supported me and my family through some very difficult times," she went quiet, momentarily lost in thought. "But," she continued, "my faith and my relationship with God are my own. They don't belong to a church and they're not subject to the dictates of any other person or institution. I know I've held on to my marriage to Jack for a long time 'because of the Church'…but, really, it was always a choice I made. It served me when I needed it, and now I'm at a point where it doesn't, so I'm making a different choice, I'm letting it go."
Sharon leaned forward, reaching for a throw pillow before sinking back and continuing, "I'm not really sure what all this will mean for my…interactions at St. Joseph's just yet. Not when I still don't even know what it means for my…interactions with Brenda—personally or professionally. But…maybe it's time to let some other things go, too…"
She paused for a moment and then sat up again, "The argument against same-sex couples acting on their feelings for one another is that it 'closes the door on the gift of children'…but, is it really 'closing the door on the gift of children' if you don't act on it until after you're no longer capable of bearing them?"
Gavin could hear the playfulness in her tone and it made him breathe a little easier. He'd been worried about how she was going to handle the whole religious aspect of this. Leave it to Sharon to try and use her knowledge of the rules to find a potential loophole.
"Unless that's still considered closing the door on a miracle baby?" he countered, his voice full of amusement.
Sharon snorted, "Gavin, if we're talking miracle babies, scripture itself would indicate that a man is entirely unnecessary…or perhaps you missed the part about the Blessed Virgin Mary? Immaculate conception ringing any bells for you?"
"Hmm, no, I don't think I'm familiar," he replied, feigning ignorance. He decided it was best to redirect the conversation before he overstepped and ended up speculating on the fertility status of the Deputy Chief. "So…" he ventured, "when are you going to talk to her?"
"Mother Mary?" Sharon asked, trying to avoid the topic that was still weighing on her mind. If Brenda hadn't been there last night, Sharon could have pretended like it hadn't happened or at least she would have had the luxury of taking more time to process. But Brenda had been there, had heard every word of what Jack said, and Sharon would more than likely be seeing her at work tomorrow. With her luck, they'd probably end up stuck in the same elevator if Sharon was trying to avoid her…
"Sharon…" Gavin's tone managed to pack a lot into that one word. He was happy to help bring some levity to the situation and help his friend process, but this was a significant, life-altering revelation, and he couldn't see her face or her body language to get a full picture of how she was really doing with everything. He wanted to make sure she was at least half as ok as she let on.
Sharon let out a heavy sigh. "I don't know," she said, sounding suddenly drained. "It needs to happen sooner rather than later. Tomorrow is already Monday and as appealing as it sounds at the moment, I can't just hide in my office forever." Gavin chuckled. "I feel like this is something we need to discuss in person, but I just don't have it in me today. I'm—this is already a lot…"
"Has Jack said anything to the kids yet as far as you know? Do you think he's going to make it an issue?" he asked, his body tense as he awaited her response.
"Who knows," Sharon replied, "it's hard to tell with him. Sometimes he blows up and it's done, sometimes he fixates and won't let it go for months—or longer. But he gave the general impression that not being able to marry a woman in the Church and having to…negotiate this development with my faith was enough punishment. You should have seen his face, Gavin. He was completely disgusted—as if everything he's done to me and our family over the years was nothing in comparison. He practically spat when he called me a 'dyke.'"
"I'm sorry, honey," Gavin said sympathetically, "What can I say? He's an ass."
Sharon let out a low hum. "If I had a dime for every time an angry man called me a 'dyke'..." she said with a chuckle. "It's never really bothered me, it just…landed differently this time when I realized it might be true."
"Yeah. I'm just glad he signed the papers."
"Me too, Gavin. Me too," Sharon agreed.
"And for what it's worth, I think you're handling this new revelation remarkably well," he added with a smile. "Actually, it's kind of freaking me out a little. But you did say 'fuck,' so at least there's that." Sharon just rolled her eyes.
Gavin offered to swing by the station first thing Monday morning to pick up the papers and work on getting the final court date set. Sharon knew he was using the opportunity to check up on her in person, but she also knew he wouldn't push too hard if she was at work, so it seemed like a win-win situation.
After they hung up, Sharon sat on the couch a bit longer, absently twisting the rings on her finger as she stared off into space. Her attention shifted to what she was doing and she stopped. Maybe she should wait until things were finalized, but it had been so long, she was curious how it would feel not having their weight on her hand anymore…
Gingerly, she slid the warm metal over her knuckles, surprised at how easily they came off. She placed them on the coffee table in front of her, her attention shifting from them to the indentation on her finger. Finally, she grabbed the rings and walked into her bedroom, tucking them away in a corner of her jewelry box.
Needing a break from the heavy introspection, she threw in some laundry and went out to pick up groceries for the week. It was somehow reassuring to see that the world went on around her, unphased by the changes that had disrupted her corner of the world in the last 24 hours.
After putting everything away, she paused and pulled the chocolate mousse out. There was no way she was going to eat all of it herself, but there was no reason for it to go to waste. She pulled a small container out of the cupboard, thought better of it, and swapped it for a larger size. She transferred a good portion of the mousse to the container and put the rest in a second, smaller one, before rinsing the large bowl and putting it in the dishwasher. She would drop it off for Brenda tomorrow as a peace offering.
The mousse taken care of, she switched the laundry to the dryer, and then made her way back to the couch, her attention once again drawn to her hand. Her finger felt naked after so many years accustomed to the bands. She'd never been one to fidget with rings or jewelry, but she'd found her thumb gravitating toward her ring finger as she'd gone about her tasks. Often. It filled her with an odd combination of loss and…freedom. As if she was no longer weighed down by the burdens the small pieces of metal had bound to her.
She sighed, reaching for her phone. The sooner she texted Brenda, the sooner she could stop worrying about it. Sharon felt like she'd already been up for days, but she checked the time. Just after 10:00 am, surely the other woman would be up by now, even on a Sunday.
I'm sorry about last night… - S
She wasn't entirely sure what all she wanted to say, but it was a start. A response came back before she could add anything else.
Hey, I was just thinking about you. How are you feeling today? - B
Sharon froze. Brenda was thinking about her?! Relax, Sharon, if the situation were reversed, you probably would have been thinking about her and what happened, too…She took a deep breath and typed out her reply.
You mean other than like a terrible friend for cutting our evening short and sending you home? And without any chocolate mousse for the road! - S
I've been up since the crack of dawn, but am starting to feel better today - S
Sharon Raydor, don't you even start with that nonsense! I'm just glad you're feeling better. - B
I'm getting there, anyway. - S
And the mousse was amazing! You know how I feel about dessert, especially chocolate : ) But last night wasn't really a 'stick around for a doggy bag' type of situation. Maybe we can have it again sometime? - B
Of course! I can show you how to make it if you want - S
I don't know, Sharon, that might be dangerous! - B
Ha! I think you could probably manage this, but we'll see. - S
This is a change of subject, but could we meet sometime this week if cases allow? - S
Do you wanna do lunch? - B
I meant outside of work. - S
Oh, ok. Sure. - B
We can also do lunch. - S
I would just like to talk with you about something personal, and work is, well, work… - S
I talked to Gavin. - S
He's coming by the office tomorrow morning to pick up the papers and work on getting the final court date set. - S
Sharon kept checking her phone, but there were no further responses from Brenda. Sometimes it took her a while to type out her responses, but this was longer than usual. Had she said something wrong? She tossed the phone down on the cushion next to her and hugged a throw pillow to her chest, letting her head fall back to rest on the couch. Sharon focused on trying to even out her breathing. A couple of text messages and she was already starting to freak out again—she needed to get a grip. Brenda probably just got a call or something. It was fine. Probably.
Sharon jolted awake at the sound of knocking at her door. She must have dozed off for a few minutes. She blinked the sleep out of her eyes and got up to see who was at the door, still holding the throw pillow. Probably her nosy neighbor from down the hall trying to get the scoop after Jack's less-than-quiet appearance last night.
Still, she checked the peephole before opening the door and was met with a crown of blonde waves. Sharon inhaled sharply as a surge of adrenaline coursed through her. Shit! What was she doing here?! She wasn't ready for this yet, was she? The knocking started again and she let her breath out slowly as she opened the door.
. . .
"Sorry to barge in on you," the blonde said before Sharon could utter a word. She looked a little sheepish as she took in the older woman's startled expression, one hand clutching the corner of a throw pillow like a security blanket.
"I was just over at our coffee shop when you texted and you said you wanted to talk outside of work and I was already so close by. And that woman from the 3rd floor who's always outside smoking recognized me and let me in before I could buzz you." She paused briefly, looking to the brunette for some clue as to how she was feeling about the surprise visit, but she was still frozen like a statue. A wave of regret and disappointment washed through the blonde.
"I'm sorry, Sharon. I shouldn't have dropped by like this," Brenda said, looking down at her feet. "I know you hate surprises, but I—your text sounded like it was something important. I'm sorry. I can go." She turned to leave and then stopped, "Oh wait, here, I got you something," she turned back, holding out a paper bag in Sharon's direction.
Sharon looked at her friend, her brain trying to catch up with what was happening. If the flood of words that had just come tumbling out of the blonde's mouth weren't indication enough that she was nervous, the younger woman was now avoiding eye contact and shifting awkwardly from foot to foot, her arm still extended toward Sharon with her offering.
Sharon finally unfroze and reached out with her free hand, her fingers brushing Brenda's as they closed around the folded top of the bag. Both women inhaled sharply at the contact, and brown eyes snapped up to meet green. Sharon felt a buzzing electrical charge travel up her forearm from where they both still held the bag and she cleared her throat.
"Thank you, Brenda," her voice was a little hoarse from sleep. The younger woman stood there, holding her gaze and the bag, brown eyes filled with apprehension. "Please, stay," Sharon added with a soft smile, tugging slightly on the bag and shifting out of the way to make room for the blonde to enter. As much as she wasn't prepared to have this conversation yet, now that Brenda was there, she didn't want her to leave.
After what felt like an eternity, Brenda let go of the bag and stepped past her into the condo. Sharon let out a shaky breath and closed the door behind her. She realized she was still holding the throw pillow and tossed it back onto the couch as she led the blonde into the kitchen.
"This certainly is a surprise," Sharon said as she set the bag on the counter and started to unfold the top. "But it's ok," she continued, her voice strong and reassuring as she ducked her head slightly to catch the other woman's eyes. Brenda searched her eyes for a moment before nodding, her posture relaxing somewhat.
Satisfied for the moment, Sharon returned to the task of opening the bag to see what Brenda had brought her.
"Brenda–"
"Before you say anything, I know it's too much. I just wasn't sure what you might be in the mood for, so I got a chocolate croissant and a berry galette. You can choose," the blonde said in explanation, eyeing the pastries as if they might disappear if she turned her attention elsewhere. Brenda was so cute sometimes, Sharon wondered how she'd managed to fool herself for so long.
"Thank you. They both look delicious," Sharon said with a smile and reached for two plates and a knife. "So, what were you doing in this neck of the woods?" she asked as she cut up the pastries and began dividing them between the two plates.
"Like I told you, I was thinking about you this morning, so I decided to head over to our coffee shop for breakfast instead of sitting around at home," Brenda replied matter-of-factly. Sharon's stomach did a little flip when she realized Brenda had called it their coffee shop. "You texted right after I sat down," she continued, "It made me wonder if you've been holding out on me."
Sharon's stomach clenched a little in panic and she stopped mid-motion, a piece of galette suspended halfway to one of the plates.
"But I guess if you were really psychic, you would have known I was on my way over to see you before I knocked on your door this morning," she finished with a shrug. Sharon exhaled slowly and placed the last piece of pastry on the plate.
"I have to admit, I was a little concerned when you suddenly stopped responding to my messages this morning. But then I figured you got a call or something else came up. Weekend interruptions aren't exactly out of the ordinary," slightly embarrassed by the admission, Sharon shrugged a shoulder, trying to keep her body language casual. Given the conversation they still needed to have, this certainly wouldn't be the most embarrassing admission of the day.
Sharon reached for the coffee carafe, which was cold and decided to dump it and start fresh, "Would you like some coffee?"
"Yes, thank you," Brenda replied.
Sharon got the coffee brewing and Brenda took the two plates over to the table, knowing the brunette preferred to keep food away from her precious sofa. Full mugs in hand, they both sat down at the table.
More than familiar with the chocolate croissants, Brenda took a bite of the berry galette and moaned, her eyes closing of their own volition as the combination of flaky crust and perfectly-ripe berries melted in her mouth. Sharon almost choked on her own bite and felt her cheeks flush at the sound. She quickly picked up her mug, which she knew was a poor shield at best, and willed herself to calm down before the blonde opened her eyes and noticed her reaction.
"Well, I wouldn't say this tops their chocolate croissants, but it certainly comes close. It's heavenly!" the younger woman declared, and Sharon hummed in agreement.
"So, what is it you wanted to talk about?" she asked, curiosity finally getting the best of her, "You said it was personal?"
And there it was. Sharon knew they needed to talk, but she'd been hoping to delay it a little bit longer. Then again, the blonde wasn't exactly known for her patience, so the fact that she'd waited this long to bring it up was a small miracle in and of itself.
"Hm? Oh. Yes, um…" Sharon started awkwardly, fidgeting with her coffee mug.
Brenda's eyes followed the movement, noticing the lack of rings on her friend's finger, their indentation still visible even in their absence. The older woman seemed to be having a hard time with whatever it was she wanted to say, so Brenda decided to say something and give her another minute to organize her thoughts.
"How does it feel?" she asked. When there was no response, she looked up and met startled green eyes filled with confusion and…something else. She realized she had blurted out her question without any context, so she pointed at Sharon's hand and said, "I see you're not wearing your rings today."
"Oh," the brunette exhaled and instinctively reached for her finger, touching the bare skin where her rings had been. "I know we still have the final court date to get through before things are finalized, but…I thought I would try it out now that Jack signed the papers. It seemed…appropriate." She paused, looking down at her hand and then back up at the blonde. "It feels odd, I'm so used to the weight of them that I feel almost…naked without them. But having their weight gone is…I can't really explain it, but it's more than just the physical weight that's been removed."
"I know what you mean," Brenda said with a nod. She wondered if that was what Sharon had wanted to talk to her about, but she'd already texted that Gavin was coming by the office tomorrow to pick up the papers and that hardly seemed to warrant a second, in-person discussion. She'd already asked the question, so she sat back in her chair now and slowly sipped her coffee, waiting for Sharon to bring up whatever it was she'd wanted to talk with her about.
Sharon took another bite of pastry to bide herself some time and then cleared her throat. "So," she began, "I know I said I wanted to talk with you, but I didn't expect you to drop by already today and—"
Brenda opened her mouth to interrupt, but Sharon didn't let her, "No. I said it was ok and I meant it. I'm glad you're here—even if you hadn't brought pastries." She reached out and squeezed the blonde's forearm for emphasis and then continued, "I just thought I might have a little more time to…gather my thoughts first. I'm still feeling a bit…scattered, so I'm sorry—"
"No, Sharon, I'm sorry for barging in on you. I was already close by and it seemed important. And I'm not very good at waiting," she said with a self-deprecating smile, "But we can talk about whatever it is another time, I didn't mean to rush you."
"If I waited until I felt ready to have this conversation, I'd probably never have it," Sharon said with a sigh.
A knot formed in Brenda's stomach and she felt the color draining from her face, but she schooled her features into what she hoped was a neutral, open expression.
The brunette ran a hand through her hair before firmly gripping her mug with both hands to hide the fact that they were trembling. She wetted her lips, twice, her mouth suddenly devoid of all moisture. Her eyes firmly on her coffee mug, Sharon cleared her throat and forced herself to start talking.
"When Jack doesn't get what he wants, he tends to lash out. He says a lot of things—some more outlandish than others—in an attempt to hurt or manipulate me as the case may be. He enjoys getting a rise out of me, so I try very hard not to give him that satisfaction. Thanks to both my personal and professional lives, I've had a lot of opportunities to practice that particular skill…" Sharon trailed off, her gaze shifting to look out a window on the far side of the room.
After a moment, she shook herself and continued, "The point is, I'm familiar with his patterns. I expect him to throw accusations at me, to try and re-open old wounds or inflict new ones. I'm usually prepared for that."
Brenda nodded and took another sip of her coffee, not sure where Sharon was going with all of this.
"Last night, what he said, it…got to me," she admitted, looking back down at her mug. "I didn't handle it very well, and I'm sorry." She let out a slow breath, preparing for what she was about to say next.
"Sharon, don't do that. Don't apologize for him." Brenda hadn't planned on interrupting, but she couldn't help herself. "He's a grown man and you're not responsible for his actions. You don't need to make excuses for him—not anymore," she said more gently. She tried to make eye contact, but Sharon's gaze was firmly fixed on her coffee mug.
She waited until the blonde was finished and shook her head. "No, that's not—I'm not—," she sighed and started again, "He—it all happened so quickly, it left me reeling. And mortified that you were there to witness the whole thing." Brenda opened her mouth, but closed it again when she saw Sharon had more to say.
"I'm glad he agreed to the annulment, that's not the issue. I just—I didn't fully process what he said until after you'd both left—until this morning, really. I'm still…processing…but I realized," Sharon paused to take a shaky breath, "I realized that the reason I was upset by what he said this time was that there may have been some truth in it." The words came out quickly and the brunette took another breath trying to calm herself.
Brenda's brow furrowed in confusion and Sharon sensed it even though she wasn't looking at the younger woman.
"It's not—I'm not…seeing anyone. I've never cheated on him, although part of me sometimes wonders why not," the last part said almost under her breath. "And you and I are clearly not…sleeping with one another as he rather crassly implied. But…as it turns out, in flinging his accusations, he accidentally…hit on something that I was previously unaware of…" she reached up to run her hand through her hair again and it was impossible for Brenda not to notice how badly it was shaking. "I…" Sharon broke off, not sure how to continue.
The younger woman was trying to follow what Sharon was saying, but not actually saying, and then her eyes widened in possible understanding. She decided to try and help finish her friend's sentence, hoping she was on the right track. "That you might be…interested in…dating women?" she ventured, keeping her voice soft, not wanting to startle the woman who was already a trembling, nervous wreck.
Sharon shook her head once slightly in the negative, the tension rolling off her in waves, her control hanging on by a thread. "That I might be…interested…specifically in one particular woman," she clarified in a voice just above a whisper, her face flushing almost painfully and her lips pressed together so tightly they completely disappeared. She was worried that if she opened her mouth again—even to breathe—she might throw up. Her whole body felt like it was tied in one giant knot as she braced herself for the blonde's reaction, and she was almost positive she was about to either burst into tears or collapse from the cocktail of tension and adrenaline coursing through her body. This was a terrible idea. Why did they have to talk about this? She should have taken Brenda up on her offer to talk another time…
A soft "Oh," escaped Brenda's lips at Sharon's revelation, and a wave of electricity buzzed through her entire body, lighting her up from head to toe, the force of it almost taking her breath away. From the way Sharon had started this whole conversation, she thought it was going to be some horrible news like Sharon being sick or not wanting to be friends anymore, but this? She definitely hadn't expected this—not that it was unwelcome. Quite the opposite, if she was being honest with herself.
The room came back into focus and she realized she had yet to respond to the other woman, who was visibly vibrating with tension and discomfort at what she'd just admitted. Brenda was grateful Sharon was sitting at the head of the table almost next to her rather than all the way across from her.
"Sharon," Brenda said softly as she reached out and slowly, tentatively placed a hand on the older woman's wrist, giving it a gentle squeeze. The blonde felt the muscles under her fingers tense at the contact and jerk slightly, but Sharon didn't pull away this time. That was a start.
"Hey," she whispered, squeezing again, ducking her head to try and catch the green eyes that were still glued to her coffee mug.
Sharon released her left hand from the death grip she was maintaining on her coffee mug and allowed Brenda to interlace their fingers. Her eyes slowly moved from the mug to their hands, up a cardigan-clad arm to find a soft smile and large, brown eyes that seemed to relax slightly when they finally met her own. Sharon let out the breath she'd been holding, her lips now visible again, and allowed the warm, tingling sensation to flow from their joined hands through the rest of her body. She still wasn't sure what was going to happen, but Brenda was still there, smiling at her and holding her hand.
Brenda's thoughts raced as she tried to find the words to continue this very sensitive conversation without doing what she usually did when it came to personal matters, which was stick her foot in her mouth and make a giant mess of everything. That couldn't happen this time, not with Sharon's green eyes finally looking back at her—green eyes filled with so much fear and uncertainty. Brenda cleared her throat and squeezed the older woman's hand before she spoke.
"This newfound interest of yours," she began, choosing her words carefully as she went, "is that something you might be wanting to…explore?" she asked, cocking her head slightly in invitation as she began to trace circles on the inside of the brunette's wrist. "Or was it just something you thought I should be made aware of?"
"Hmm," Sharon hummed, taking a sip of coffee and relaxing somewhat thanks to their continued physical contact and Brenda's curious, playfully formal tone. "That depends entirely on whether the interest is…mutual. It's not really a…solo venture, so it would need to be a shared interest in order to warrant exploration."
"I see," the blonde replied. "In that case, it's my duty to inform you that I believe I have identified someone who may share your interest and be open to a…joint exploration."
Sharon felt her heart beat faster and warmth begin to coil in her belly at Brenda's response. The younger woman hadn't shied away from Sharon or the conversation, but Sharon had still been bracing for rejection, for Brenda to let her down gently and say that while she liked her as a friend, she wasn't interested in anything more. She was genuinely surprised to learn that her feelings might be reciprocated. But outwardly she just raised an eyebrow, "Is that so?"
She was still reeling a bit, trying to process the new information about herself and now their apparently mutual interest. There were a lot of things she didn't know, but she tried to focus on what she did know. She liked spending time with Brenda, she liked holding her hand, the feel of her soft thumb tracing patterns on the sensitive skin of her wrist, a sensation she found simultaneously distracting yet surprisingly grounding.
She didn't want to ruin their friendship—she was admittedly worried about that—but a joint exploration seemed like as non-threatening a course of action as they could get under the circumstances. They would just have to proceed with caution and re-evaluate as they went.
"I'm afraid there is a…complication," Sharon cautioned and Brenda raised her eyebrows waiting for the brunette to elaborate. "I'm still under contract on another venture at the moment. I should be able to wrap things up in the near future, but until then…I'm not comfortable engaging in any new ventures, exploratory or otherwise."
"Of course," Brenda nodded at this not-unexpected complication. "I understand. Engaging in multiple ventures simultaneously can lead to…conflicts of interest. And I agree that it would be in the best interest of this new venture to hold off until such time as it can be started free and clear of any unnecessary complications."
"And," the brunette added, "given the…sensitive nature of this new venture, a certain level of caution would be advised in order to avoid…disrupting the existing infrastructure. We can discuss things in more detail at a later date, but incorporating some type of…feedback mechanism will also be imperative."
The blonde paused as she considered the other woman's words before responding. "As intrigued as I am by this new opportunity, I do appreciate your concern. I wouldn't want this pursuit to end up causing any structural integrity issues. We do have some time prior to the launch of this new venture to develop a plan for the evaluation process that you're—that we're comfortable with."
Sharon exhaled in relief at Brenda's response, but her expression darkened slightly when the younger woman added, "As long as we can remain somewhat flexible as far as the deadlines are concerned…"
Sharon shook her head, but resisted the urge to roll her eyes, choosing instead to focus on the bigger picture. Brenda had turned what started out as a painfully awkward conversation into something…else. With a few well-worded questions, the blonde had created a space that allowed Sharon to discuss her feelings and concerns, but without feeling so…exposed. And Brenda had taken her time, listening and responding thoughtfully instead of jumping in and plowing ahead without any regard for the people around her. They had somehow managed to make it through the entire discussion without either of them getting defensive or walking away. They were both still sitting at the table, literally and figuratively.
Sharon took a deep breath and flashed an awkward half-smile. "Ok then," she said, squeezing Brenda's hand.
"Ok then," Brenda echoed, her smile widening in response. The sound of her growling stomach filled the room and her attention shifted back to the pieces of pastry still sitting on the plate in front of her. She shot a sheepish grin at her companion and grabbed a piece with her left hand, not wanting to extricate her right from Sharon's just yet.
Sharon followed suit, reaching for a piece of chocolate croissant with her right hand, happy to find her appetite returning as the nausea and dread began to slowly drain from her body.
They focused on their food for a few minutes. Well, Brenda focused on her food while Sharon split her focus between her own food and the sounds of Brenda enjoying hers, chuckling occasionally to herself and blushing when the younger woman moaned particularly loudly.
Brenda finished eating first and Sharon felt it the moment the other woman's brown eyes landed on her again, felt their weight as they moved across her features, studying her. The intense scrutiny made the brunette squirm.
"Brenda…" Hearing her name, Brenda shifted her focus to her almost-empty coffee mug, providing Sharon some momentary relief, before her gaze returned to the older woman.
Sharon sighed in exasperation. "What?" she asked, pointedly staring back at the blonde.
Brenda's eyes softened as she regarded her companion. She hesitated slightly before voicing her question, "You just—this all just hit you this morning?"
Sharon went very, very still, looking off into the middle distance. The condo was so quiet Brenda could clearly hear the brunette's ragged exhale as she slowly set down the piece of galette she'd been about to eat. Then, the older woman nodded almost imperceptibly, pressing the back of her hand to her lips before shifting her gaze up to the ceiling, blinking rapidly against the tears that threatened to fall.
Brenda's stomach dropped, a wave of regret immediately coursing through her. Before she knew what she was doing, she shot out of her chair and tugged at their joined hands. "Oh honey, come here," she said as she pulled Sharon up and into a tight hug.
Sharon stiffened in surprise before melting into the embrace. And then Brenda felt the older woman begin to shake as she silently sobbed in her arms, all the tension and emotions she'd been holding finally spilling out of her body. The force of it pulled Brenda forward, her thigh driving into the sharp corner of the table that was wedged between them.
"Oh Sharon, it's ok. I'm sorry," the blonde said quietly in Sharon's ear as she rubbed circles on her back. Carefully, she shifted her stance, maneuvering herself around the end of the table, their bodies now flush. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to—"
Sharon shook her head in response as she continued to cry despite her best efforts. Eventually the tears subsided and she took several ragged breaths before lifting her head and pulling away.
"I'm sorry, that was…unexpected," she said, wiping at her eyes and nose, her face flushing once again in embarrassment, "I think I ruined your sweater."
"Oh for heaven's sake, Sharon, I'm the one who should be apologizing!" Brenda said in exasperation. "I didn't mean to make you cry. I feel terrible for showing up this morning unannounced to have a conversation with you when you'd barely even had a chance to process things. No wonder your whole body was shaking trying to hold everything in earlier!"
She shook her head and smiled at the other woman pulling her in for another brief hug before turning back to the table and gesturing to Sharon's plate, "Come on, finish up. That kind of stress will take a lot out of you."
Sharon rolled her eyes, but sat back down in her chair to finish her pastries and now-cold coffee. When she was finished, Brenda helped clear the dishes. "Well, I should probably get going before I make things even worse," she said dejectedly as she gathered her things to leave.
Remembering her earlier plan, Sharon went back to the kitchen and retrieved the large container of chocolate mousse from the refrigerator. She tried to hide her smile as she handed it to the younger woman as they walked to the door. Brenda's face lit up and she enthusiastically took the container, placing it cradling it gently in one arm. "You didn't have to—"
"Brenda, there is no way I would be able to eat it all by myself, and it seemed silly to let it go to waste when I know someone who would…so thoroughly enjoy it. I was going to drop it off on my way in tomorrow, but since you're here…" Sharon shrugged, smiling, her eyes brighter now.
Brenda beamed back at her and they stood there, looking at one another and grinning for longer than either of them realized. Eventually, Brenda opened her mouth to say something else, but stopped herself, biting her lower lip instead.
As if in answer to her unspoken question, Sharon reached for her hand and gave it a quick squeeze before releasing it. "See you tomorrow, Brenda. I'll text you after Gavin leaves."
"Ok," the blonde nodded, turning back to smile at Sharon once more before making her way down the hall toward the elevators.
"Ok," Sharon echoed quietly to herself as she closed and locked the door. "Ok."