What did he say? My reaction is more than unexpected. Its ridiculous. I begin to laugh.
"Something amusing you, Ms. Steele?" he looks at me warily, somewhat hurt.
Hey, you just revealed you flew all the way to San Diego to bathe your ex sex slave and now you're proposing. It's not me who's the funny one here.
Before I know it my laughter transforms into sobs and I find myself in his arms. Oh man, we're both soaked.
"Ana, can I come in. Please." I just nod. Giving me space wasn't one of his strengths anyway. We walk up to the apartment, silently.
"Do you need a towel to dry off?" I ask out of courtesy and head for my bedroom. Reluctantly he follows me.
I take two towels and begin to rub my dripping hair. My thoughts are tumbling over themselves at this point. Our fight feels similar to what happened after Miami. Christian and his interactions with other women is starting to take a bigger portion of our disagreements recently. Thank God I had a few hours earlier to myself to sort out my feelings. Sitting in a random park I took the time to think all of the woman that had approached us in some way.
Those groupies at the festival. I have to accept the fact that Christian is obscenely rich and good looking. He will unfortunately attract a lot of women. Even some with the wrong intentions. Even if there are millions of decent women out there, he'd be surrounded by a small portion of them who wouldn't care that he's in a committed relationship. But Christian isn't the victim here. He's old enough to take responsibility for his actions and shouldn't put himself in situations where I could doubt his intentions. Getting drunk on a festival without a bodyguard for example.
And now Leila Williams. I asked myself where altruism ends and infidelity starts. Why couldn't he just tell me beforehand? It would have spared us so much hurt today. And the bathing thing just was the last straw. Forgiveness. He asked for it and the question is if I could? If I wanted to? The silly answer to that is…I do want to forgive him. Because I'd want his forgiveness too if I messed up. And love is a illogical thing sometimes. The only problem is I'm not ready to forgive him. I just am not ready.
Lastly, Elena. She's the woman that has been hovering over our relationship like a dark cloud. She's the reason we met. Me, ordinary Anastasia Steele, who lied to be become an Escort. Falling in love with my first client. And him.. Loving me unconditionally in return? Didn't he just propose to me? Ask me to be his wife? I can't help but feel a betraying joy wash through me.
"Do you have a hair dryer?" he asks and hearing his voice after such a long silence startles me. I'm back in the here and now. He takes the towel to dry off.
I just nod and walk into the bathroom. In the mirror I can see him strip off his wet shirt.
But I cannot even take in the sight, I just remind myself that he asked me to marry him not because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but only to help me. Like Leila.
"Here." I say unable to look at him.
"Come here, I'll dry your hair." He says and sits down on my bed.
"And let you take care of me like you did of your ex? No thank you." I bust out. I can't believe I was excited by his proposal a minute ago.
He just nods, his expression grim.
I begin to take off my wet clothes and put on something dry. I don't want to look at him. It's bad enough he's not giving me the space I asked for. No need to encourage him any further.
"Are we going to ignore the fact I just proposed to you?" he says after a while. I note that he's still topless.
"Christian, give me a break. For God's sake!" Do I even need to explain myself.
"I have to admit it wasn't the best timing.."
"Thank you, Capitan Obvious. " He nods with his lips pressed into a thin line.
"I don't want your help." I say. And I don't want you to marry me just because you want me out of EEs claws.
"I know." I hope he'll just shut up and let me be. Today stripped me bare of any emotional durability. Just one more word from him and I'll be a mess again. "Will you at least consider it?" he says.
"No." I say and something changes in him.
"Why not? Is being my being wife such an abhorrent idea to you?!" For a second I believe him to be genuinely hurt. I take a deep breath to calm my nerves.
"Christian, I know why you said that. Thank you for trying to help me out. But certainly there's another way to solve this."
"People get married for far less valid reasons." He says. Reality just hurts so freaking much, I have to close my eyes for a moment. "Listen, I'd prefer if we had more time to get to know each other. Without any contracts and stuff, but this is what we're dealing with."
"I'm not going to be your trophy wife like Leila."
"That's what you think?"
Yeah, obviously. I just said so.
Without a word he puts on his shirt again to stand up. Is he leaving?
"Where are you going?" I ask and it doesn't go unnoticed that now I'm the clingy one. Weird.
"I can't do this anymore." He says.
What?! How dare he say that? After everything he'd put me through today.
"Are you breaking up with me?" I ask incredulously.
"Anastasia. I know I'm difficult. Fucked up. I know I hurt you today. Even though that wasn't my intention. But I've said I love you. Again and again. Today.. I asked you to marry me."
Yes. Thank you for the recap. I know all of this already.
"Again and again you reject me. From the day we met you push me away. Whatever I do you always think of me having the worst intentions. What have I done to you to be so undeserving of your trust?"
Gone is my anger and feeling of betrayal. Seems like I'm the one who has to apologize now. "Christian.." I begin and don't know how to proceed.
"I've given you my all, Ana. I'm glad you changed me, you've shown me all the possibilities life can have. "
So what was that earlier then? I try to calm down my now pounding heart.
"Why break up with me then? " I ask without being able to look at him.
He kneels down in front of me, taking my trembling hands. I slowly dare to look him in the eye.
"Won't you even consider it? Being my wife?" he asks.
"That wasn't the most romantic proposal."
"Hearts and flowers?" he asks with a hint of a smile and I grin tiredly.
"I hate myself for saying this…but I still love you, Christian. Even though you hurt me so much today." I pull him up besides me. He takes me into an embrace.
"I didn't mean to hurt you."
I know. But you did.
"I'll think about it." I say after a while and bury my head into his damp hair.
"Thank you." He says and holds me closer.
When I lean back to look at him, unable to grasp all the opposing emotions, I come to the conclusion that he is right. I've rejected him repeatedly. Hurt him again and again. Still he stuck around. If this isn't real love… I don't know what is.
I kiss him wondering for a second if I'm betraying myself by doing so. Just hours ago I had concluded not to forgive him so easily.
"Why did you bathe her Christian? That was unacceptable. "
He looks at me for a long time. "I feel…felt responsible for her."
"Because you were her dom?"
"No." He sighs. "Because she asked for my help in the past and I didn't help her." His answer confuses me.
"She could have asked anyone else. You're not obliged to her in any way."
"I know."
"You can't save everyone."
"I know." He buries his head in my neck. "I'm sorry Ana. I shouldn't have done that. Although it did not feel the way it does now. It's hard to explain what I thought in that moment." I decide to keep it at that. "I would never cheat on you. Never." I let that sink in.
„That's good to know." I say dumbly. I mean, what else can I say? Words, rings and contracts won't keep people from cheating. We can only put our trust into the relationship and our spouses at the end of the day.
There won't be a satisfactory closure on this matter.
"I'm still mad at you." I say after a while more to myself. He kisses me again and again. I know what he wants and if I'm honest he has rubbed off on me. I remember how worried I was when he left me on a dry spell for several days.
In hindsight I wonder if Elena's doings have made him this way. Unable to have any other relationship, all he knew was having some form of sex to be intimate. Never gotten caressed as a child when he hurt himself, never gotten a hug after an accomplishment, never felt the tenderness of an innocent kiss on the lips from a woman he fancies. He never got to experience that intimacy, trust and closeness with a woman which didn't involve any kind of sexuality. As if intimacy was a one way street leading up to sex. Rough sex, lots of beating and humiliation. I wonder if Elena has any idea what damage she had caused him. But she didn't, she only saw the positive effects on him. Collateral damage accepted at that point in time.
He probably can't image just laying on a picnic blanket, staring at the sky in silence, in mutual contentment. Feeling so close and connected in a small little bubble. It's something I had experienced with my past boyfriend who I thought I loved back then. Unfortunately he tossed me aside the second his ex wife rekindled their relationship and destroyed my idea of love and trust for a long time. Until I met Christian…
I really hope that some day Christian would be willing to open up enough to experience that with me. Thinking outside of the box to experience closeness and trust.
"I want to try something." I lie down on my bed, staring at the ceiling. He looks at me, curious but in doubt and follows me suit.
"Now what?" he says after a while.
"Nothing."
"So.. We just lie here…" he concludes.
"This is just something new for you to experience." I say and close my eyes. He can guess the answer to his unspoken question.
Without further remarks he inhales deeply. I close my eyes. Just laying besides each other after a hell of a day.