WhIP

by footfungus

nederlands verhalen over mijn otp

32. Chapter 32

Time's Witness

Museflight

Summary:

Trapped in the year 850 with Marco Bott as her only ally, Gabi tries to change the future.

Notes:

For Mavzell.

It's here! The fic! It Has Arrived!

For new readers, this fic has over 30k of prequels and probably won't make a lick of sense if you dive right in, so you'll want to read Fortune's Harbinger and Leap of Faith first. It doesn't necessarily matter which one you read first, although I personally suggest Fortune's Harbinger before Leap of Faith.

To returning readers! We're finally here, the main fic! I really hope you like it and are even a fraction as excited as I am!

Thank you to Jules for betaing!

As always, this fic was a gift to the fantastic Mavzell, who is an anime only and thus doesn't get to actually read it for A While.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: Prologue

Chapter Text

Gabi stares into the fire. The flames flicker and dance, consuming the bones of everyone she had failed to save. It hurts to look, but she tries to keep her gaze locked onto it, for she knows that it will hurt even worse if she looks anywhere else.

So why can't she stop herself?

There is only so much space around the funeral pyres. Most of the 104th stand clustered together as a consequence. However, just as she cannot help but stand a little ways away from everyone else, there is a trio of cadets who have taken their places on the far end of the fire. There is not quite as much space as there is between her and everyone else, but it is enough for it to be noticeable. Gabi's eyes stray toward them without intending to. A tall young boy, a blonde girl - they only receive passing glances before her gaze settles on the person she can't help but look for.

Her eyes have been stinging ever since the fires started. She might be able to write it off as nothing more than the result of the acrid smoke if not for the feeling of her chest constricting.

I'm sorry, Reiner, she thinks. I wasn't able to stop you.

Most of her failure is easy to quantify. It can be found in every life lost and every injury obtained during Trost. The weight on her shoulders is that of every body thrown onto the funeral pyre. It burns like the flame itself and is the color of the black smoke spilling into the air. It is solid, tangible, inescapable.

But the guilt that her cousin will come to bear because she failed to stop him? Any pain and suffering that may spring from it, the things that had turned him into the shadow that she met when he first returned from Paradis? Those things are not so easily measured.

Reiner glances away from the fire and meets her gaze. Gabi takes in a sharp breath and looks back into the flame.

It is then that she notices that her hands are shaking. She straightens her fingers out in an attempt to force them to be still. When that fails, she clenches them into fists.

Stop that, she commands herself. Her meltdown during Trost had already been too much - she can't afford to break down again. She still has a mission, still has a debt to the living. So many mistakes to prevent, regrets to erase, lives to save.

A life to take.

She can't break down again. Even with the past several weeks they've spent together, even if she loves them dearly, she is not friends with the others the way that they are to each other. Not a dear enough comrade to be able to change a stubborn would-be hero's mind or keep a soft-spoken young man from committing an unforgivable sin. She cannot depend on her bonds the way that they can. If she wants to retain her position among the scouts as they become the scouts, then she needs to be strong. Everyone needs to look at her and know that she is too much of an asset to turn away. If she wants to save anyone, she needs to be better than she is. She needs to-

"Hey," a soft voice calls out. A gentle hand comes to rest on her shoulder.

Gabi spins around to find Sasha staring at her with sad, red-rimmed eyes.

Her heart breaks a little more, just like it always does when she sees her.

Gabi opens her mouth to speak, then closes it a second later. Her voice will be hoarse if she tries to speak, she just knows it. For a moment, she hopes that she could attribute it to the smoke. Then she remembers what she told Sasha during Trost, her admission of fear, and realizes that such a hope is probably pointless. But maybe that's fine. If there's one person who she had become truly close to among the 104th, it is Sasha.

Their relationship stands to remind her that the world is cruel, fate has a sick sense of humor, and she will never be allowed to forget what she did. That is fine. She deserves Sasha's hatred, not her friendship - friendship that would surely dissolve if she ever learned the truth. In this one aspect, Gabi is getting a far kinder deal than she deserves. If the tradeoff is that she be reminded of her gravest sin every single day, then so be it.

Even so, Sasha Braus is her friend. Her best friend among the 104th. Maybe she doesn't need to be strong around her.

Maybe. But she isn't going to take any risks right now.

"I'm alright," Gabi croaks, because that's probably what Sasha's wondering. That's just the sort of person that she is.

Sasha tries to smile. It is a hopeless attempt, weak and wavering, with the shadows that the fire casts over her face making her appear that much sadder, and she gives up after a moment. "I don't think anyone is alright right now," she whispers.

Gabi swallows heavily. Right. She needs to appear strong, but she can't risk seeming heartless right now either.

"No," she admits, "But I'm doing as well as I can be."

"Maybe." Sasha reaches out to take her hand, twining her fingers with hers. "But I'd still feel a lot better if you came with me." She begins to walk as she speaks, pulling Gabi closer to where she had been standing with Ymir, Historia, Connie, Jean, and Marco. Her stomach twists painfully as she takes in the sight of them, her heart splitting off in several different directions - most toward the promise of further pain, but one toward something else entirely.

Ymir and Historia stand closer to each other than to anyone else. Gabi cannot look at them for long without thinking of a boy, hundreds of miles and seven years beyond her reach, who is kind enough to love the world and foolish enough to love her. Pain and longing intertwine in a way that she can't quite bear right now, so she looks away, even though what she sees next is hardly easier.

Connie sits on the ground with his knees pulled up against his chest, staring into the fire with tears flowing freely down his face. It is a far cry from the ghost of what may come that she cannot help but see when she looks at him. A far cry, yet not completely different. The Connie she knows is stronger than this, but he is also fractured in some ways. Looking at him now, she cannot help but wonder if she is witnessing the first cracks.

It hurts, so she moves on. She looks away and allows her gaze to travel over to the person standing directly behind Connie, one hand slightly extended as he struggles to decide whether or not to reach out. Like all of the rest of them, Marco looks like he has been through hell. Exhaustion and grief weigh heavily on his features, doubtlessly worsened by the knowledge that she has burdened him with.

Marco looks terrible, but he is alive. The only person she has been able to save in the long weeks that she has spent in the past. All of that effort just to make one difference, one single life saved. What are the odds that his survival will turn out to be inconsequential in the grand scheme of things?

After another moment of hesitation, Marco lowers his hand and steps back from Connie. It is then that he notices Gabi watching him. He falters at first, but soon forces a thin, wobbly smile across his face.

Gabi tries to smile back.

No, Marco's survival is not inconsequential. He isn't inconsequential. His death meant something important to Reiner and Jean, so his life has to mean something to her. Besides, he knows who she is and where she came from now. She doesn't know if she believes that he can help her, but if he's willing to try...

None of the people around her are the ones she knows, not quite, not yet. Marco was different from them though. Outside of her knowledge of his death and the impact that it had left, he was a total stranger to her when she joined the 104th, same as the rest who had died before she got to know them. That makes him a risk, a dangerous person to put even an ounce of her faith in. A few weeks ago, when faced with the possibility of taking him as an ally, she would have dug her heels in and tried to take on all of the weight herself. But he had seen through her mask and reached out to her when she desperately needed someone. He actually listened to her when she told her story. It makes her think that she understands why his death might have had such a big impact. It makes her want to take the risk and trust him.

Even if Marco can't do much to help her, it might be good just to have someone by her side. Someone who knows where she came from and what she is going through.

Falco wouldn't want her to be alone. He never would have let her if he had anything to say about it.

Maybe Trost would have turned out differently if he were here. He'd always been better at handling sensitive situations.

Gabi feels it as her smile crumbles and fails. She tries to at least coax her face into a controlled, steely expression, but she must fail miserably, because Marco's own smile soon dissipates.

"Are you alright?" he whispers.

No, Gabi thinks even as she nods and whispers, "Yeah."

Sasha squeezes her hand a little tighter. Gabi returns it and offers her what she hopes is an encouraging smile. As Sasha tentatively returns it, she takes a moment to memorize her expression in the flickering light of the fire, reminding herself that she is alive. She hasn't killed this Sasha. She's alive, and as long as she has anything to say about it, she's going to stay alive.

Maybe Gabi couldn't stop Trost, but she saved Marco. That's something. She changed something. Jean won't ever have to experience what it's like to lose his best friend in such a terrible way. Reiner may have killed and ruined so many more lives, but at least he didn't directly murder a friend. Marco will go on to live his life and do whatever he thinks he can do to help her. Sasha will live a long life and her family won't ever know what it's like to lose her.

Gabi can still change things. She just needs to work harder, be smarter, do better.

Yes, she's okay. Really.

The sound of footsteps draws her out of her thoughts. Jean walks away from where he was standing near Marco and comes to crouch a few feet away from the pyre. She watches as he draws a hand through the mess covering the stones, coming up with a handful of ash and bone shards.

Jean has been a difficult person to juggle over these past few weeks. He's so much younger than the Jean she knows, yet when she looks at him, she can't help but see the dependable leader who she and so many other people look up to. There have been more than a few times where she's had to stop herself before she shows too much respect to a boy who's proven himself to be little more than a selfish twit at this point in time. Yet she would swear that she saw something else during Trost, a flicker of the person who he will one day come to be.

As Jean crouches amidst the ash, Gabi is acutely aware that she is witnessing something sacred.

Or maybe it's nothing, a malicious voice whispers in her ear.

She knows that Marco's death impacted Jean's decision to join the Survey Corps, but by how much? Would he have made the same decision if he had died? Will he, now that he hasn't?

How would the scouts fare without Jean?

A shard of apprehension laced with fear and dread lodges itself in Gabi's chest as she glances at Marco. She looks away before he can notice, so he can't see her second-guessing. Because that's what she's doing now - second guessing. She had only changed one thing since arriving in the past, only saved one life. And she wants that change to be a good thing. She needs it to be a good thing. But Trost had been so fast, and she hadn't stopped to consider the dark, miserable silver lining of his death. She was so certain that Marco's survival would be a good thing. But what if...?

Gabi steps toward Jean, her hand slipping out of Sasha's in the process. He doesn't respond, so she steps a little closer yet, stopping when she is less than a foot behind him.

Do the right thing, she thinks. Please, make the right choice. The scouts need you. I need you.

"Hey, Gabi," Jean says without looking behind him. His voice is choked. Would it still sound that way if he knew just how much more personal his loss could have been? "Why do you want to join the scouts?"

Something that feels like hope settles in Gabi's chest. The light touch does not completely dispel the fear, but it does make it easier for her to find her voice. It does not mean that she knows what to say, but after a moment of consideration, she decides to say what Jean wants to hear. The truth. Or at least, as close to the truth if she can afford to get. "I want to join the scouts because I want to make a difference. To stop things like this from happening."

"Right," Jean says. "And do you really think you can do that?"

Yes, she would have said before. Now, she looks at the fire devouring the bodies of those she failed to save from her cousin, dares to glance at the cousin who she needs to save from himself, and thinks of her overarching goal. Gabi wasn't able to stop Trost, but she knows that she can save the world if she can kill the man who would try to destroy it. She knows that she can save Reiner from further harm if she can get him to see reason. But how? How can she accomplish either of those goals when she cannot tell Reiner the truth and the Survey Corps will be protecting Eren with their lives?

Is it possible for her to change the world when she doesn't know where to start?

Yes, she thinks angrily, violently. Not because she knows that she can, but because she has to.

To Jean, she says, "I'll never know if I don't try."

Jean doesn't say anything for a moment. Then he stands and turns to face everyone, his expression that of a man who just received a death sentence.

The hope in Gabi's chest blossoms into pride, brushing away the fear and apprehension.

"And you guys? Have you decided yet? Which regiment you're gonna join? I've made my choice. It'll be rough but..." Jean's voice, already rough with fear, begins to shake as he holds the fist containing a handful of ashes up to his chest. "Damnit. I'm gonna join the scouts!"

Gabi steps back to stand beside Sasha and seeks her hand out once more. She grabs it and holds on tight. Although she doesn't dare ask, she suspects that she knows why, knows the decision that her friend is going to make.

"Jean..." Marco whispers.

"You've lost your mind," Ymir remarks, as if she isn't going to follow Historia into whatever branch she chooses.

"Ymir!" Historia exclaims.

Ymir shrugs, unrepentant. "I'm just saying what everyone's thinking."

Jean chuckles mirthlessly. "Yeah, maybe I have. And you shouldn't let my decision affect yours. But..." He lowers his hand from his chest, opens his fingers, and stares down into the ashes. "This is something that I have to do."

Gabi forces a smile across her face. It makes her cheeks ache, but it feels important to at least try, to give Jean this token of support as he makes the decision that will shape the rest of his life. "I look forward to fighting with you," she says.

"Me too," Marco declares.

All eyes snap to him.

"Marco," Jean breathes, "You aren't saying..."

"I-I am," Marco says. He meets Gabi's gaze for a moment, a small, sad smile slipping across his lips. "I was lucky to get out of Trost alive. I want to do something meaningful with that life."

"But what about joining the Military Police and serving the king!?" Jean demands.

"I still want to serve the king," Marco defends. "It's just... after all this, I think I could do a better job of that outside the walls than in the interior."

Sasha's grip on Gabi's hand tightens. She barely has a chance to glance at her before her friend hurriedly exclaims, "I'm joining the Survey Corps too!"

Gabi isn't surprised. She still pulls her hand away, turns to stare at her with wide eyes, and whispers, "What?"

"I mean, I told you earlier, didn't I? Up on the wall?" she asks.

"You did," Gabi says. "But after this, I thought that maybe..."

She didn't, but it's what she would have thought if she didn't already know, so it's what she says.

Gabi shrugs, smiling weakly. "Well, you're wrong. If you're all going in, I-I want to too." She pauses to look down at Connie, who rises to his feet and wraps his arms around himself, gaze glued to his feet.

"I need to think about it," he murmurs.

Gabi nods, as if she doesn't already know what he's going to decide, and takes a small, shuffling step back as Sasha walks over to throw an arm around his shoulder.

Ymir snorts and crosses her arms. "You're all going to get yourselves killed," she says.

"Well... then I'm going to die too!" Historia cries, holding a fist up to her heart.

Alarm flashes across Ymir's face, quick enough that Gabi wouldn't have caught it if she weren't looking for it. It has been replaced by something droll and unimpressed as she stares down at Historia. "Really? After making the top ten, you're going to throw your life away in the Survey Corps?"

"Yeah," Historia says, looking up to meet Ymir's gaze daringly. "And I'm not throwing my life away, Ymir. I'm going to make a difference!"

The two stare each other down for a long moment before Ymir uncrosses her arms and lets out a heavy sigh. "I guess we're all going to die, then."

Historia blinks. "Ymir, you don't have to-"

"None of you have to," Jean cuts in. "I'm serious. You shouldn't - you can't join the Survey Corps unless you're absolutely certain. "

Marco reaches out to place a hand on Jean's shoulder. "We know," he says. "We've made up our minds. Same as you, Jean."

Jean stares at Marco for a moment before letting out a mirthless chuckle. "We're all idiots," he mutters.

"No we aren't," Gabi argues. "We're going to make a difference."

And for the first time since Bertolt kicked a hole into Trost, she really, truly believes it.

Saving Marco's life wasn't a mistake. Of course it wasn't - how could it be? She did something good. It may only be a small difference, but it's a difference, and now she has an ally on her side. Someone to help her save the world.

Someone to help her...

Just for a heartbeat, Gabi dares to look across the fire, over at Reiner. Is he already feeling the guilt of what he's done today, or will it take longer to set in?

She doesn't know what will happen if he's allowed to reveal himself as the Armored Titan. She already knows so little - if they get that far without anything major changing, the situation may spiral completely out of control.

So it won't. She'll kill Eren Yeager and get through to Reiner long before they reach that point.

I'm going to make a difference, she promises.

Chapter 2: not too late to change your mind

Summary:

Joining the Survey Corps.

Notes:

Holy shit! I don't know what I did to warrant 100 kudos on a prologue, but I can't thank you enough for it! I hope you all enjoy where this story goes!

I do want to let you know that this story will be a little slow-paced at the start. We have 8 chapters until the 57th expedition starts. However, once the action gets going, it's going to be pretty much non-stop. (Also, I know you might be worrying, but I swear future chapters will come quicker than this one did. I've re-arranged my schedule a bit to allow for more frequent updates.)

Thank you to Giles and Jules for betaing!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Marco can barely breathe. He is standing in a crowd of the surviving cadets from the 104th training corps and Jean is right beside him. Yet at that moment, he feels utterly alone.

Up on the stage, lit dramatically by the warm glow of the torches, stands a tall, statuesque blond man. Everything about him radiates importance, yet Marco only looks for a moment before going back to searching the crowd. He doesn't even look back when the imposing man begins to speak, his deep, even voice resonating clearly in the night air.

"I am Erwin Smith, Commander of the Survey Corps. Today, you will choose a military branch."

He spots her after a moment of searching. Gabi is standing one row ahead and several people to the left. She is alone in the sense that she is flanked by strangers rather than surrounded by friends. Marco can't help but be surprised at the sight; he had expected her to be by Sasha at the very least, especially during this pivotal moment. Unless... maybe the importance of this ceremony is exactly why she is standing alone?

Even if she has already made her decision, she can't be completely immune to the emotions that are running so very high. Gabi's breakdown during Trost was the only time he has seen her as anything other than unwavering in the time he has known her. That wasn't very long ago, so there's a chance that she hasn't completely pulled herself together yet. Maybe she doesn't want her friends to see if she falters.

Or maybe she can't bear to watch her loved ones make this decision when she knows what pain and suffering might lie ahead of them.

"Put bluntly, I'm here to persuade you to join the Survey Corps."

Marco's eyes flicker back up toward Erwin and something in his stomach twists. The Survey Corps. He doesn't need to be persuaded; he made his decision the second he decided to try to believe Gabi. To try to help her. To stay by her side. There's no way that she will go anywhere but the Survey Corps, and so, that is where he will go as well. That does not stop an icy tendril of fear from creeping up his back or bile from churning in the back of his throat.

He glances at Jean and sees that he might actually be faring even worse. His face is pale and his hands are shaking. It makes Marco wonder if he will actually go through with it, this unthinkable decision he has made. There's still plenty of time for Jean to back out.

There's time for Marco to back out as well. He may have made up his mind, but he could still... it would be so easy to walk away. He's never been a hero, isn't the sort of person cut out to save the world. No matter how hard he tries, he probably won't even be able to do much to help her at all. Things probably won't go too differently if he walks away. Will Gabi hate him if he walks away?

"During the titan attack, you learned how terrifying they can be. And how limited your own power is."

Marco's gaze jolts back up to the stage. Limited? His powers are more than limited; he was next to useless at Trost. He may have killed a few titans, given Jean some advice that he hopes turned out to be useful, but at the end of the day, he would have been dead if not for Gabi. It is true that there is a big part of him that hesitates when he thinks of the tale she told, unable to completely believe in the concept of time travel even though he has decided to go along with it, but he cannot deny that he would be dead without her. No matter how she came to know what she knows, too much of what she said adds up for it all to be false. Reiner and Bertolt would have killed him if he called out to them. He owes her his life.

And that is why Marco needs to join the Survey Corps, no matter how much he feels like he's going to puke. He owes Gabi his life, and Gabi needs him. It's not that Marco thinks she needs him in order to execute whatever plan she has brewing. She's more physically capable than him, and stronger besides. But she's also one person. One single girl who, even if she isn't really stranded in the past and trying to save the world from destruction, she certainly thinks she is. No one person can bear that weight alone. Trost more than proved that. He might not be of much practical use, but he can at least be there.

And Gabi needs that. She needs someone to stand by her side so that she can turn to them when she's about to break, whether it's under the weight of a delusion or something far more terrible.

"However... This battle brought humanity closer to victory than it's ever been. Through Eren Yeager's existence. By risking his own life, he's proven himself, without a doubt, a friend to humanity."

Marco's stomach churns at those words. He looks back at Gabi just in time to see her shoulders tense. It's subtle enough that he would have missed it under different circumstances, but knowing what he knows, her discomfort is glaring. He wonders if her jaw is clenched and her eyes are blazing with fury, the way he noticed that she sometimes gets when she's especially upset about something. He wonders if she realizes how similar she is to Eren when she gets like that.

Probably not. She strikes him as the sort of hard-headed person who will subconsciously refuse to notice something that they aren't able or willing to accept.

Just like Eren.

Eren Yeager, who, if she is right, will go on to destroy the world.

"With his help, not only did we stop the titans' advance, but we have a way to discover their true nature."

Marco's heart skips a beat. It's possible that Gabi is just delusional. The terrible risk that she is telling the truth may be what he has decided to let dictate his actions, but he cannot let himself forget that what she is telling him may just be seeds of truth wrapped in a web of confusion. But if it isn't... If everything she'd told him is true... if the Rumbling is real...

He hasn't put much thought into what else Gabi might know if she is truly from the future. His mind has been reeling as he tries to absorb what she has already told him, his heart too caught on the bloodshed that he has just witnessed to allow him to force his way through it. But something about Erwin's words pushes through the shock and pain, forces him to connect the dots.

If Gabi knows the truth about the titan shifters, has seen how Eren Yeager will use a terrible power to flatten the world, then she probably knows the truth about the titans as well. The greatest mystery of his world, and she might be able to give him the answers.

"We believe that in the basement of his Shiganshina home, there are answers about the titans that he himself doesn't have. If we can reach that basement, we will find a clue that will end this century of titan rule."

It is not curiosity that fills Marco as the Commander continues. Or at least, he cannot consider it curiosity. He associates curiosity with warms and optimism, a certain joy that comes with the thought of learning something new. The thing he feels is dark and gnawing. He dreads hearing what Gabi has to say, but also knows that he cannot afford not to hear it.

They have not had the opportunity to speak in private since Trost. He knows that he will have to remedy this soon, but is also selfishly grateful that they haven't spoken yet. The air is already heavy with the weight of fate and a decision that will change everyone's lives. He doesn't want to imagine how it would feel if he had to face this moment burdened by whatever knowledge Gabi may have for him, dubious though it may be.

"We will head for the basement in Shiganshina. However, that requires us to retake Wall Maria. In other words, our objective hasn't changed. But with the Trost gate sealed, we'll have to take the long way around, from Karanes to the east. The battalion route that we've spent the last four years establishing is now completely useless to us. Over the course of those four years, we've incurred losses in excess of sixty percent. Sixty percent in four years... an insane figure."

Or perhaps it would be better. If he had spoken to Gabi, he would at least know the outcome of the insane plan that Erwin is proposing. Because she has to know, doesn't she? He doubts that Gabi's presence could have caused enough of a difference to make Erwin change his plan. If she is truly from the future, then she probably knows how all of this plays out. She knows if the operation to retake Wall Maria will go well and end in victory...

"Any trainees who join will participate in our excursion beyond the walls in a month."

...Or empty bloodshed.

"We expect thirty percent won't return. In four years, most will be dead. But those who survive will become superior soldiers with a high survival rate."

Aside from her initial reaction to the mention of Eren, Gabi has not wavered, so Marco looks back at Jean. He looks even worse than he had moments ago, like a man about to walk off to his own death.

Is he going to die if he does this? Did Gabi know of Jean Kirstein prior to joining the 104th? What happened to him in her time, if there is another time? Did he join the Survey Corps, make a difference, and die a hero? Or did he become yet another nameless soldier killed in the line of duty?

Marco doesn't like the thought of either. Is he going to have to watch it happen?

Not necessarily. He reminds himself that there's also the third option, that Jean backed out at the last moment and either rose up the ranks of the Military Police or faded into safe obscurity.

"Knowing those discouraging facts, any still willing to risk their lives, remain here. Ask yourself... are you willing to offer your beating heart for humanity?"

...No, that third option is not an option at all. Jean looks terrified, but there is a thick layer of despair lurking underneath that fear. It is the same despair that he saw at the funeral pyres, the despair that pushed him to declare that he was going to join the Survey Corps in the first place.

He's really going to do this. Marco's best friend is going to dedicate his heart to humanity - and probably die in the process.

"That is all. Anyone who wishes to join another branch is dismissed."

The crowd around them begins to disperse.

Marco does not move.

Neither does Jean.

It is selfish, but Marco can't help but whisper, "It's not too late to change your mind. They could use leaders in the Military Police."

Jean looks at him. His expression is grim; the look of a man who doesn't necessarily expect to survive past the next month, but refuses to retreat to safety. "I could say the same to you," he says.

Marco falters. Unbidden, his gaze flickers back over to Gabi, who hasn't moved an inch. "No," he whispers. "I don't think..."

He has chosen to follow Gabi, but he does not completely believe her. If she really is delusional, then he's about to follow a madwoman beyond the walls.

She might be a madwoman, but he still owes her his life. If she is delusional and he dies for it, then she still will have bought him some time. And if it turns out that she's right...

If she's right, then it's the end of the world.

What is his life compared to that?

"...I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't," Marco whispers.

Jean nods. His eyes are glossy and his entire body is shaking like a leaf. He struggles to open his mouth, his jaw so tense that it can barely move, but he manages to choke out, "Yeah. I understand what you mean."

Marco forces a weak smile. No, he thinks, you don't. He is doing this because of a set of truly extreme circumstances, an unbelievable tale and a mysterious girl who somehow made it seem possible. His actions are driven by an attempt to make good for a debt that he can never hope to repay. His hand is forced by the knowledge that if the impossible is truly happening, then something far worse than the titans rests on the horizon. Jean cannot hope to understand that.

What would Marco be doing if he didn't know what he does?

He isn't like Gabi; he can't begin to picture a reality where things play out differently from what he sees before him. There's no way for him to know for certain that he had survived Shiganshina without her saving him. However, he doesn't think that he would be about to join the Survey Corps.

As people walk away from the Survey Corps, Marco stands still because he has been compelled by something much larger than him. Jean stands still because he has decided to. His best friend had always been a selfish person, but the horrors he has witnessed have changed him, set him on the path to becoming a better person than Marco thinks he could ever hope to be.

Time is running out. The last few stragglers are clearing out of the area. Jean holds a shaking hand up to his heart. Marco moves to place a hand on his shoulder, but hesitates. Instead, he looks back at Gabi.

She has not moved a muscle.

Time runs out. It is marked by Erwin Smith asking a question of the remaining crowd. "Can you die if you're ordered to?"

"I don't want to die!" Jean abruptly shouts.

Despite himself, Marco smiles.

Erwin smiles as well.

"I see," he says. "I like the look on your faces." The Commander shifts, stands a little taller, his presence growing a little stronger. "Then I welcome everyone here to the Survey Corps! This is a true salute!" He presses one fist against the front of his chest, the other against his back, both placed over his heart. "Devote your hearts!"

Marco salutes.

"This is terrible," Jean mutters. "The Survey Corps."

Marco nods, because Jean is right. It is terrible. His heart races, fear rushing through his body and uncertainty flooding his mind when he tries to think of the future.

Yet he does not regret his decision.

"You are brave soldiers," Erwin says. "You have done well to endure your fear. You have my heartfelt respect."

Before they clear out, Marco casts one last look at Gabi.

She is shaking.

The scout leading the new recruits to their rooms doesn't seem very interested in what he's doing. He drones on in a low, boring voice as he leads them forward, eyes locked straight ahead. Gabi doubts that he has so much as glanced at the new recruits in the time they've been following him. It makes it easy for her to slow her pace and gradually drift toward the back of the group. Eventually, she finds herself beside the two lurking at the very back.

Jean looks thoroughly unhappy to be there. It's a surreal sight. Her short time with the 104th was enough to tell her that he did not originally plan on joining the Survey Corps. The proud scout that she knows is someone he grew into through harrowing experiences, starting with the battle that they just escaped. Logically, she knows that. Yet the haunted-looking boy before her is such a stark difference that she cannot help but do a double-take.

He is not the person she's looking for though. She cannot ignore him, wouldn't be able to even if it wasn't suspicious, but it is not him who she falls into step beside, but the freckled boy beside him.

Marco's gaze burns with questions as her eyes meet hers. Gabi can only imagine what he must be thinking. She's barely been able to stop thinking about it in those days since Trost, trying to figure out how on earth she'll go about explaining everything to him. Despite her best efforts, she hasn't been able to come up with a solid strategy yet. It's almost a relief that she hasn't had an opportunity to speak to him in private yet.

Almost, but not quite. She may dread trying to give Marco a full explanation, but that doesn't mean she can put it off. She needs to make contact, establish a line of communication. Marco believed her unbelievable story and actively expressed a desire to be her ally. That's...

That's horrible, when she stops to think about it. Gabi didn't and doesn't want to pull anyone else into her mess. Shouldn't need to. She has fought in the mid-east war, survived Liberio, persisted through the war for Paradis, helped the alliance stop the Rumbling, and fought in the battle of heaven and earth, all before she turned thirteen. When she was thrown back in time, she pulled herself together and found a way to get in with the 104th. Armed with her knowledge of the future, she should be able to make a difference all on her own.

But she can't. The devastation in Trost stands as a testament to her failure. If she fails again, if history is allowed to repeat... she can't let that happen again. She can't . That means that she needs to let Marco help her, just in case he might be able to do something that she can't.

Because there are some things she can't do.

She couldn't change Reiner's mind, not soon enough.

She couldn't save Trost.

She saved Marco, but if he gets himself killed trying to help her, his death will be on her hands anyway.

This knowledge darkens Gabi's mood and mind. Even so, she forces herself to smile as she quietly asks, "How are you guys?"

Marco smiles gently. "Alright," he murmurs.

Jean grunts, glancing at her out of the corner of his eyes, but saying nothing.

"How are you?" Marco asks. She can't tell if he's making small talk because they can't talk about anything deeper or if he's asking because he genuinely cares. That would be silly though, right? He has to know that she'll only give him one answer no matter how she's feeling. Unless he's naive and emotional enough to think that she'll be honest? Or maybe he's like Armin and Jean, good at reading deeper into simple answers, and he's asking because he thinks he'll be able to see the truth no matter what she says.

Shit. Marco is her only ally, but she barely knows him at all. She really should have put more work into getting to know him as a person. This whole thing would be easier if she had tried to get to know him better. Instead, he spent her time in the training corps viewing him as a person whose loss greatly damaged Reiner and Jean, but not someone she'd have to worry about in the long-term. She had thought that she'd stop Trost and he would disappear into the Military Police, not that she would fail miserably and he would end up being important .

...Him being alive means that she didn't fail quite as badly as she could have. Reiner and Jean aren't hurting as badly as they could be. She still did one good thing. That is more than worth the unease of potentially working with someone who she doesn't know very well.

"I'm fine," Gabi says. It's a lie, of course, but as she looks at Marco and reminds herself that he's alive because of her , it isn't as big of one as it could be.

"That's good," Marco says. "But maybe... if you ever aren't feeling okay, you could come talk to me?"

"I could," Gabi says. "I'll do that when I have the chance. Thank you, Marco."

Jean looks over and squints at them. "Did something happen between you two?" he asks.

Fuck. Gabi opens her mouth, unsure of what to say.

Marco beats her to it. "Gabi saved my life during Trost. A titan almost ate me, and she saved me." His voice is soft and reverent. More importantly, he barely even stumbles over the lie. He falters near the end, but it's subtle enough that Jean doesn't seem to notice it.

"Shit," he whispers, shaking his head. Gabi forces herself not to squirm as he shifts his piercing gaze over to her. He is so much younger than the Jean she knows, so much more foolish and ignorant. However, as he stares her down, she can only see her Jean.

It hurts to look at him.

"Your intuition is something else," he says after a moment.

"Intuition?" Marco questions.

"Yeah," Jean says. "Gabi was assigned to my squad, remember? She said that she had a bad feeling about you, so I..." he trips over his own words and glances away. "She asked to go check on you, and I said okay."

"Oh," Marco breathes. "That's..."

"It's not stupid if it worked out," Jean grumbles.

"I wasn't going to call it stupid," Marco protests. "I mean..." he chuckles uneasily and rubs the back of his head. "I'm happy that I'm not dead."

Gabi thinks back to an uneasy campfire deep in the forest, to a terrible conversation between new allies. For the first time, the memory brings a smile to her lips. "We're happy that you're not dead, too."

More than you could ever know.

"Yeah," Jean murmurs. "That..." he looks away. "Enough people died back there. We didn't need to lose you too."

Pain flashes across Marco's face. He meets Gabi's gaze and she subtly shakes her head.

The recruits have stopped moving. She can hear the scout guiding them ramble on about room assignments. It's easy enough to hear him from where she stands, even with his droning voice, but she can't shake the urge to get a little closer.

"I'll talk to you later," Gabi informs Marco and Jean before weaving her way back into the throng of recruits.

The guide, standing in front of a wall standing between two corridors, announces that there are going to be three people in each room, girls to the left and boys to the right. He has already begun reading off assignments by the time she reaches the front of the group. It sounds like he's reading off their last names in alphabetical order.

For the first time, Gabi regrets giving 'Magnolia' as her surname. She shifts anxiously from foot to foot as she waits to receive her assignment. He isn't assigning rooms in order, which means that aside from knowing that she'll be with other girls, it's a crapshoot who she'll be rooming with.

Finally, he drones out. "Magnolia, Gabi. Room 35."

Gabi takes off down the corridor to the left. Her room is near the end of the corridor, the door wide open.

She hurries in and is immediately tackled by a hug.

"Gabi!" Sasha squeals, momentarily releasing her, only to grab onto her shoulders and start shaking her back and forth. "Mikasa, look! It's Gabi!"

"I can see that," Mikasa says. Her voice is mildly amused, but even with Sasha actively trying to scramble her brains, Gabi can't miss the layer of anxiety beneath her voice.

Right. They haven't seen Eren yet and Mikasa doesn't realize that he doesn't deserve her affection.

Gabi pulls back. When that only makes Sasha tighten her grip, she ducks down and jerks sharply to the left.

"Hey!" Sasha squawks.

"Maybe if you paid more attention in hand-to-hand combat you'd have a better grip," Gabi teases, walking around the room to approach the cot pressed up against the back wall.

Sasha's eyes follow her as she moves. "You were only in training with us for like, two months. You don't know if I paid attention or not," she protests.

Gabi raises an eyebrow. "Did you?"

"No," Mikasa intones. "She did not."

Gabi drops down onto the cot with a laugh and savors the feeling of some of the darkness in her chest fading away.

"That's not fair!" Sasha cries. "Just because I'm not all fight-happy like you or Gabi or Eren or Annie or-"

"-Most of your classmates?" Gabi suggests.

Sasha crosses her arms with a huff, only to uncross them moments later and point a dramatic finger at Gabi. "You can talk all big if you want. Take me on in a noodling contest, we'll see who comes out on top."

Gabi furrows her brow. "What's noodling?"

"Ah," Sasha stammers, a blush rising up her cheeks. "That's, well..."

"Isn't it a type of fishing?" Mikasa asks from where she's sitting on the edge of her own cot.

"Yeah," Sasha says. "Except, uh..." She looks to the side and quickly mutters, "you put your hand in the shallows for a catfish to bite, grab 'em by the mouths, and pull them outta the water."

Mikasa blinks. "So you wrestle them?" The stress in her voice is a little less apparent, curiosity weighing it down if even for only a second.

"That sounds fun!" Gabi exclaims.

"It's... It's not bad." Sasha shrugs, still looking away. "But I'm not sure you'd-"

"Recruits, line up!" The guide calls.

Gabi casts a surprised look at the doorway. "I didn't realize he could get that loud," she remarks.

"I mean, they probably have him doing this for a reason," Sasha says.

"I guess," Gabi mutters as she stands up. The three of them head out of the room, walking down the hall to join the other recruits.

Once everyone has gathered, the guide explains that they will be given time to settle into their rooms after they have toured the headquarters and received their uniforms. Unsurprisingly, it takes him a long time to deliver this information. As he speaks, Gabi allows herself to look over the assembled group.

Excluding herself, Historia, and Armin, only a handful of people who weren't in the top ten joined the Survey Corps. She doesn't give those people so much as a second glance. Marco and Jean are still standing together toward the back of the group. Jean still looks caught in a state of shock, but Marco, at least, seems a little excited. Sasha has wandered over to join Connie, who looks far more cheerful than he had been a few days ago. Ymir is standing with her arm slung over Historia's shoulder. The blonde seems to be listening to the guide attentively, whereas Ymir doesn't even try not to look bored. Mikasa has joined Armin, the earlier drop of levity she had found while speaking with her and Sasha having evaporated.

Reiner is standing next to Bertolt. Both appear to be alert and eager - perfect scouts. Gabi only watches them for a moment before her stomach twists painfully and she looks away.

They're moving soon after. Gabi only half-listens as the guide explains where they're going, only pays partial attention to her surroundings. She knows that she should at least try to focus, that it will be embarrassing if she ends up getting lost later, but she can't help it. Being around everyone has made her mood sink for reasons that she can't quite explain.

No, that's wrong. It's not that she can't explain it. The trouble is that she should be used to it by now. It has been weeks since she was thrown into the past and days since Trost. She should be prepared to look at him and see him following almost the exact same path as last time.

No, she thinks, glancing back at Marco. I don't know that this is the same as last time. Then, more forcefully, It can't be.

Marco catches her gaze through the group and offers her a slight smile. She forces herself to return it before looking forward once more.

Only a few minutes later, as they're passing by the stables, a horrible voice calls out, "Hey! Mikasa! Armin!"

Gabi freezes. A few paces behind her, she hears two other sets of footsteps follow suit. Then there's the sound of shuffling footsteps - Mikasa and Armin turning around - and Mikasa's relieved, desperate cry of, "Eren!"

She knew that this was coming, but it is something else entirely to face it. Eren Yeager, the crux of her failure, alive and now aware that he is a titan shifter, even if he does not yet understand the true, terrible extent of his powers. She waited too long to kill him, took for granted that she would stop Trost and have an easy opportunity to end him after training, and now it will be that much harder to do the job. Not only is he stronger, more dangerous, but everyone's eyes are going to be on him. She wants to say that she'll have to make a foolproof plan, but such a thing is impossible at this point. Whatever she does will run a high risk of getting her killed.

Gabi doesn't want to die. But for the sake of the world, for everyone she's ever loved, she has to accept the possibility. That doesn't mean that she needs to accept it easily . She's already sworn to fight tooth and nail to get out of this mess, to get as close to coming home as she can when "home" is something far beyond her reach. And if Eren makes that impossible? If he crushes her into the dust like he did so many others?

Then her last act will be to make sure that he follows her into oblivion.

"Man, am I glad to see you guys!" Eren crows. His voice brings with it another reminder. The fury that she feels is that of Gabi Braun. It is the fury that will enable her to save the world. But there is a time and a place for it, and right now, she is supposed to be Gabi Magnolia.

Eren Yeager and Gabi Magnolia are friends. She would be happy to see him.

Gabi whirls around, a smile plastered across her face, and approaches the trio.

At the same time, Mikasa grabs Eren's hands and says, "Eren... Have they mistreated you in any way, like subjecting you to any cruel experiments? Or some sort of mental anguish?"

Mikasa's concern and devotion would be sweet if she weren't fawning over a monster. As it is, it makes Gabi's smile waver, but she fixes it back into place before the slip-up can become visible.

"Not at all," Eren says.

Gabi can't see Mikasa's expression, but she can hear the heat in her voice, and the words themselves make her freeze. "That pipsqueak took it way too far. I will make him pay for it one day."

Pipsqueak...?

Eren blinks. "Hold on, you mean Captain Levi?"

Gabi's heart constricts. The others have noticed Eren and are crowding around now, but the sound of footsteps and cheerful voices fades into the background as she scans the area. It takes a little while, but soon enough she spots him, tucked away by the stables and holding a horse's reins as he stares impassively out at the group.

She has seen him once already, the fateful day on the wall, but it still feels unreal to see Levi without his scars. It is surreal, but that surreality is nothing compared to the overwhelming relief that comes from seeing him at all. She looks at him and remembers the careful eye that watched her during the flight from Paradis, feels the phantom touch of a hand guiding her and holding her steady as she aims her rifle at titans from high up on Falco's back. The sound of his voice manifests in her mind, but she can't quite think of what he might say if she were talking to him right now. How can she, when he's standing right there?

Her feet move forward without her thinking about it.

Levi's gaze snaps over to her, hard and assessing.

Gabi freezes and remembers. Levi, her Levi, would tell her not to rush over to his younger counterpart, warn her it would be stupid. To her, he is someone who she isn't willing to lose. But to him? To him, she is just the girl who climbed the walls, another face to get lost in the Survey Corps. She would probably be so very forgettable if not for the ghost whose name she claims to share. As it is, his eyes may be on her for now, but what happens when he looks away? If she doesn't prove herself remarkable enough fast enough, if she doesn't show that she's worthy of the attention of the great Captain Levi?

A warm hand lands on her shoulder. "Hey," comes Sasha's kind, but somewhat uneasy voice. "Are you, uh, okay?"

Levi looks away.

Gabi forces herself to do the same. "Fine!" she says, trying to be less aware of the sound of footsteps and clopping hooves as Levi leads his horse away. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, you kinda zoned out there?" Sasha says, smiling awkwardly.

"No, I didn't!" Gabi tries. "I just thought I saw..." What? What could she possibly say that could justify her zoning out just now? "...Nevermind."

If she were talking to someone else, that might be a problem. Luckily, this is Sasha. She blinks, then smiles and drags her a step back, back into the throng of new recruits. "Alright!" she chirps. "Well, c'mon, you don't wanna miss this; I think Eren's realized that Jean joined the Survey Corps."

Gabi snickers. "This'll be interesting," she mutters.

Indeed, focused on Levi as she was, she completely failed to miss Jean and Marco catching up with the rest of the group. Eren and Jean are standing a few feet apart, staring each other down as they speak.

"I just, I can't believe that you're here," Eren says, gesticulating wildly as he speaks. "I mean, you were so set on joining the Survey Corps, and you always said that I was..." he pauses then, and when he speaks again, it is with a grain of hesitation and hope. "...You didn't join the Survey Corps because I-"

"-Of course not!" Jean exclaims. "Your vendetta didn't have anything to do with my decision! I still think you're a suicidal maniac, and now you're going to get us all killed if it turns out that the brass were wrong to put their faith in you."

Gabi moves to take a few steps to the side, so that she can see Eren's expression as well as Jean's, but Sasha grabs her arm in a vice-like grip before she can get very far.

"Hey!" she protests.

"Nope!" Sasha says. "You had your weird moment, now you've gotta stay here with me and Connie."

"She was wandering away from you. I'm pretty sure she forgets that I even exist half the time," Connie says from Sasha's other side.

Gabi frowns at him. Normally, she would assure him that it's not true. Even if she doesn't dare tell him why, she would at least spout some bullshit - probably while patting his shiny bald head, because they're the same age and she can do that now. However, the spectacle playing out in front of them keeps her from doing so.

"I know that," Eren says, his voice wavering slightly, threatening to crack. He sounds regretful and frightful, like the thought of anyone dying because of him would wear deeply on his conscience. A plume of anger flares up in Gabi's chest upon hearing it. "I wouldn't expect you to gamble your life because of me. So why... why are you here?"

Jean opens his mouth. Gabi expects him to say something deep, something that shows his compassion and empathy, but no words come out, and she is reminded of how far he still has to go. The past weeks told her that this is a Jean who still struggles with expressing his emotions sometimes. It isn't that he doesn't know why he's here or can't figure out how to put it into words. He did a good enough job of explaining the night of the pyres, even if it was in a round-about way. He's getting choked up because of Eren.

Why? Does he care what he thinks, how he might react? He always puts on such a good job of seeming sure of himself. Doesn't he realize how much better than Eren he is? That nothing he says or does will change the fact that one of them is on the road to becoming a hero and the other destined to become a monster?

Marco takes a step forward. "I can only speak for myself, but... I barely escaped from Trost with my life." His eyes meet Gabi's and he offers a weak smile. "I want to do something meaningful with that life."

"Oh," Eren whispers. "That's... That's really noble, Marco. Jean, are you also...?"

"No," Jean says, voice tense and trying to be flat, but wavering at the edges. He looks away from Eren as he continues. "I don't think that me joining the Survey Corps is going to make any big difference, and that probably means that it isn't very meaningful. But after what I saw back there... Everyone who didn't even get the chance to try... I couldn't do anything else."

Gabi's chest aches. She wants to tell him how very wrong he is, to tell him that in another lifetime, he made the same choice and saved the world because of it. But she can't, so instead, she looks at Connie and Sasha, hoping that one of them will instead provide comfort to the boy who will become their closest friend.

They don't move. Of course they don't. This is too early in the timeline. Jean is more of an irritant than a friend to them right now. Instead, it is Marco who reaches forward to put a hand on his shoulder and Eren who opens his mouth to speak.

"Jean, that's-"

"Alright, rookies, form up!" a man calls. "Your uniforms are here!"

Jean walks past Eren without another word. Gabi eyes him for a moment before she moves herself. Apprehension churns in her stomach with every step she takes. There is so much that she needs to do, so much that she cannot say, and so much that can go wrong...

Yet as she puts the wings of freedom on her back, she remembers that despite everything she cannot go back to, there is still so much left to fight for.

Notes:

I can't believe I'm saying this, but we have fanart! The magnificent Sigds drew Gabi for us!

Chapter 3: At least I tried

Summary:

Gabi has a late-night conversation.

Notes:

It's Gabi's birthday today, so have a new chapter! It's a little on the shorter side, but this was one of those cases where it felt like adding content for the sake of making it longer would only reduce the quality overall.

Thank you to Giles, Sage, and Mavzell for betaing!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

It's the middle of the night and Gabi is wide awake. When it was time to go to bed, she laid down and stared up at the ceiling, trying to will sleep to claim her even though, deep down, she knew it wouldn't. Hours later and she's doing the same damn thing. The big difference is that she thinks she'll lose her mind if she stays still for much longer.

She turns her head to peer across the room. The gentle snoring coming from the bed nearest her tells her that Sasha is fast asleep. However, Mikasa is a silent sleeper. Gabi squints and strains her eyes, but can barely make out her bed in the darkness. There's no way to tell if she's asleep or not. She supposes that it doesn't matter in the end. Even if she is awake, she isn't about to talk to her and risk waking Sasha up. After the week they've had, she deserves to sleep for as long as she wants.

Leaving the room also runs the risk of waking someone up. The thought makes Gabi glance between Mikasa's bed and the dark figure of the door, furrowing her brow as she contemplates the decision. She knows what the good thing to do would be. But... just leaving a room isn't as bad as talking, is it? It's easier to recover from too. Even if she does wake Mikasa or Sasha up, it probably won't be too hard for them to just go back to bed. If she just keeps laying in bed doing nothing though...

...Well, nothing will happen if she keeps laying in bed, but she really doesn't want to.

Gabi peels her covers back and quietly slips out of her bed. She walks across the room with caution, and although her footsteps are barely audible, the fact that she can hear them at all makes her wince. When she reaches the door, she wraps her fingers around the doorknob glancing behind her.

She can just barely make out two lumps in the dim outlines of Sasha and Mikasa's beds. Neither of them has made a sound. Either she didn't wake them up or they're being nice enough to let her think that she hasn't. She hopes it's the former, but even if it isn't, there's no point in sticking around.

The door makes a slight click when she opens it. She steps through and closes the door quickly, hoping that confining all the noise to one short timespan will make it less disruptive as a whole.

With that, Gabi is free to wander. Mostly. By the time she has taken a few steps down the cold stone hallway of the Survey Corps headquarters, her feet have grown chilly. It's then that she realizes that all of her clothes are in her room, including her boots. If she runs into anyone, they'll see her wandering around in nothing but her pajamas. That would be weird.

Oh well. It's better to be weird than to go back to her room and make that much more noise. Besides, someone can only see her if they are wandering around late at night as well, which would make them almost as weird as her. Gabi isn't going to crumble over anyone's judgment, let alone that of a fellow freak.

She wanders aimlessly for a little while. Eventually, her footsteps lead her to a door. The thought of fresh air is suddenly very tempting. However, a conundrum presents itself before she can go outside. It's chilly inside the headquarters. If it's chilly inside the building, it'll be even colder outside, and her pajamas aren't exactly thick. Gabi holds her hand up to the door and taps her fingers against the wood, considering.

Going outside really does sound nice. It might help her clear her head of the thoughts that she refuses to let herself focus on, or even calm her down enough to go back in and catch a few hours of sleep while there's still time. The cold might even help with that. It might not be comfortable, but there was a time when she was used to discomfort. She knows that she needs to get used to it again if she is to stand a chance against what is to come. Progress has been made over the past several weeks, but it wouldn't hurt to push herself a little extra.

Probably. If Reiner were here, he'd tell her that she might catch a cold, but... Reiner was the sort of person to fret about things like that. He was only right part of the time.

...No. Gabi can't afford to think about what Reiner would or wouldn't want her to do, not right now, not ever . Only what he would do himself.

Outside it is.

Gabi braces herself for the cold, but still grits her jaw when it hits her. She stuffs her hands in her armpits and wraps her arms tightly around herself as she marches forward in stiff, rapid steps. It only does so much to help. The real problem is not the faint breeze, but the cold, damp grass beneath her bare feet, sending the chill up her legs and through her body.

She's tempted to go back inside at first. The air is nice, but not quite as refreshing as she had imagined. She isn't sure that it's worth wandering around in bare feet.

Falco would have warned her ahead of time if he were here. It probably wouldn't have been enough to stop her, but he would have argued her into waiting while he at least got her a pair of socks. That was assuming that he didn't just give her his shoes and wander out in nothing but socks himself. She would try to seem unbothered when the cold hit her, but he would notice anyway. He always did. He would suggest that they go back inside, and she-

Gabi's breath hitches. She goes still as she forces herself to take in a deep breath, just like Jean would tell her to do if he was around and saw her getting upset. That makes her think of how Pieck would ask if she was upset, so she tries to clear her mind, like Levi would tell her to do. However, that only leads to her thinking about him. Levi, Falco, Reiner, Jean, Pieck - everyone that she can't let herself think about for too long. It's one thing if she's actively planning and moving towards her goal, but if she just stops and thinks about them in the moments of quiet, she runs the risk of breaking down completely. It happened during Trost. It almost happened during the graduation ceremony. She's lucky that she was able to collect herself enough to keep it from happening when she spoke to Mikasa before graduation. That's more than enough weakness. If she breaks down again right now...

...Actually, maybe this is one of the rare times where she can afford to think about them. She's the only one out here right now. If she cries, there will be no one to see it. No one will ask her questions or poke too harshly at her facade. Maybe it would be a little embarrassing, but she's cried enough tears since that first day that she's mostly past embarrassment by now. It honestly feels like she should have gotten used to it and stopped by now, but then something will remind her of someone or a stray thought will sneak up on her and sweep her off her feet once again.

Gabi wonders if she'll run out of tears one day. If she does, would it be a betrayal to the people she left behind? Would it be okay, since they'll never quite be the people they became anyway, or does that make it that much more important for her to remember and grieve for the damaged versions she'll never see again?

She looks up at the sky. The stars hold no answers, but they are familiar. They aren't the stars of her childhood, but they are the ones that she saw on that grave on that hill. She looks up at them, and for a moment, she can pretend that she's back in a world where the titans are gone, and if she walks back home to the people she loves, they'll know her and love her back. What she wouldn't give to be able to see them one last time. To hear from them; not even to get advice, but so she could have one last conversation with them knowing that it's the last and cherish it properly.

But she cannot stare at the stars forever. Even as she tries to forget, she knows that the moment she looks away she will be pulled back to a cruel reality where she both is and isn't alone. It is enough to keep her fighting. It is rarely enough to provide her with comfort. Sometimes it does just the opposite. Sometimes, on nights like tonight, when the knot in her chest grows too tight and painful, she wants to curl up and hide away from everyone until it's a little easier to be the strong person that she's supposed to be. She cannot do that though, for that really would be a betrayal.

"Gabi?" A young, frustrating, aching voice calls. Gabi flinches at the sound and whirls around to face the speaker. She blinks the mist out of her eyes, suddenly thankful for the darkness that should keep him from noticing it even if she isn't quick enough.

She doesn't have to hide the surprise in her voice as she says, "Reiner! What..." Gabi takes a step back just as a sudden breeze goes whipping by, sending a fresh burst of cold through her. She rubs her hands against her arms before continuing, "What are you doing out here?"

Reiner furrows his brows. "What are you doing out here? And... In your pajamas?"

Gabi forces herself to uncross her arms and plant her hands on her hips, cold be damned. "Why are you fully dressed at this time of night?" she counters. Reiner gives her a slightly disbelieving look, but she just stares him down. After all, she has a valid point. It might be kind of weird for her to be wandering around outside in her pajamas in the middle of the night, but it's also weird for Reiner to be wearing his uniform when he should have gotten changed hours ago.

A realization hits her in tandem with a bolt of anxiety. Why is Reiner up and fully dressed at this time of night? Her mind immediately flashes to the two titans that were slain only a few days ago. One of the great mysteries of the Survey Corps, she knows that was probably the work of him, Annie, or Bertolt, but that doesn't explain what he's doing now. The titans are already dead, so is he... could he be doing something worse? She wants to assume that there's an innocent reason for that, but she can't. Not when Trost might have been prevented if she hadn't allowed herself to believe that she had successfully convinced Reiner to abandon his mission. She doesn't know what he might be doing, but he's working on his mission, if it's something bad-

"I knew that I wouldn't be able to sleep, so I never changed," Reiner says.

"...Oh," Gabi says. "Neither could I."

She knows why she couldn't sleep though. It's the same list of reasons that often keeps her up at night, now with the extra collection of nightmarish images that she acquired a week ago. But why can't Reiner?

...He's staring at her. It's friendly on the surface, maybe even a little concerned, but she can't read deeper into it than that. She still isn't used to not being able to read him, can't quite bring herself to like or accept it. Gabi drops her arms down to her side, then wraps them around her chest once more. "At least I tried to sleep first," she mutters.

"You still could've gotten dressed before going outside," Reiner points out.

Gabi bristles like she never would around her Reiner. "And wake Mikasa and Sasha up? Some of us are considerate," she snaps.

Reiner grits his jaw, then frowns a second later. "I'm not inconsiderate. I'm just saying-"

"Whatever," Gabi mutters, looking away. Agitation burns hot in her chest. As the glances back toward the castle that serves as the Survey Corps headquarters, the heat is stifled by a cool trickle of guilt. Reiner almost sounded hurt just now. She didn't want that. She just...

This whole thing sucks. Gabi wants to walk away and put a stop to this whole horrible affair. At the same time, she wants to keep the conversation going, to push him a little further and see if she can find any more hints of the Reiner she knows, so that it really feels like she's talking to him and not just some stranger wearing his face.

One impulse wins out over the other.

Hesitantly, Gabi looks back over at Reiner. In a voice that is a little softer, a little gentler, she asks, "So. Why couldn't you sleep?"

"Same reason as you, I'm guessing." Reiner's lips twitch up in a wan smile. "You might be tough, but it takes a while to get over something like Trost."

So it is Trost.

Gabi's heart twists in two different directions. If Trost is keeping Reiner awake, then that means he regrets what he's done. Of course he does. He ' s Reiner, he has to. Even with Marco's survival, a lot of people died because of him and Bertolt. There's no way he can walk away from that with a clear conscience.

On the other hand...

Where does he get the nerve?

He may be on a mission, but he doesn't have to be as friendly with the other cadets as he has been. No one commanded him to play the role of big brother. They all trust him, love him. How can he lie to them like that? Why couldn't he just keep his distance like Bertolt and Annie? Or better yet, why couldn't he have just decided to do the right thing? It would have been so easy. She even did her best to spell it out for him. If he had just looked forward and chosen his friends instead of letting his family hold him back, Trost could have been avoided and he could be sleeping right now.

Gabi can't get too angry at him though, not over this. Not when it has to be her fault. For one thing, Trost wouldn't have happened if she had done her job properly and convinced him to give up the mission. For another, she must have changed something big right when she joined the 104th without realizing it. Maybe it happened even before that, some imperceptible shift that rippled through the world and changed Reiner's behavior. Because what he's done, the way he's acting, the deep, insidious way he's betraying everyone with every act of warmth and friendship... her Reiner would never do that. Sure, he had been a warrior for Marley, but he couldn't have hurt them as badly as the boy before her is set to. He wouldn't.

Her presence must have done something to change that. Somehow, she has fundamentally changed something in Reiner and made him so much worse, pushing him closer to the enemy, but not close enough for him to betray Marley for them. It's the only explanation.

That's alright though. He's done something horrible, but it's still not too late to fix things going forward. This warped, confusing version of Reiner is still Reiner. He already regrets what he's done. If she leans on that, his cruel closeness toward his comrades can serve as an advantage. He's probably so close to giving up the mission. She just has to nudge him a little harder. Then he'll give up, and when he does, he'll probably be so relieved that he stops acting weird and becomes the person he's supposed to be.

"Gabi?" Reiner prompts. It's only then that she realizes that she's completely zoned off.

She shakes her head, runs her hand through her hair, and lets out a little huff. "Sorry," she says. "I'm just a little off right now."

"Maybe you should try going back to bed," Reiner suggests.

Gabi gives him a flat look. Has her presence also hindered her cousin's listening skills, or did he just not have any as a teenager? "I just said that I couldn't sleep."

"Yeah, but you might be able to fall asleep now that you've had some fresh air. Besides." He pauses, raking his gaze up and down her form. "You could catch a cold standing out here in that."

All of a sudden, Gabi's eyes are burning.

"It's fine," she says, looking away and blinking rapidly. "I'm not going back inside until it's time to get ready."

Reiner frowns. He looks toward the horizon. Gabi follows his gaze and sees that the sky is growing ever so slightly lighter on the horizon. "Oh," she murmurs. She must have stayed in bed for longer than she thought. "Well... I'm staying outside to watch the sunrise, then."

"Whatever you say," Reiner says, a hint of exasperation bleeding through his voice. She shoots him a look, daring him to say what he's thinking. However, he doesn't see it. He's already turned around and walking toward one of the handful of tables scattered across the courtyard.

Gabi hesitates for a second before following him.

Reiner sits down, and she claims a seat on the bench across from him. He eyes her warily for a moment before shrugging his jacket off and handing it over to her. "Here," he says.

Gabi frowns. "But aren't you worried that you'll catch a cold?"

"I won't," he says, simple and matter-of-fact.

"But you think that I will?"

Reiner sighs. "Gabi, just take the damn jacket."

She does. It makes her feel warmer the instant she pulls it on, although a good portion of that warmth is emanating from inside her chest. It is accompanied by a deep, aching pain, but she clings to it nonetheless.

This Reiner is different from hers. He is confusing and infuriating, and she doesn't know what she could have done to make him this way, but she regrets it intimately. Yet he is not completely separate. The Reiner she loves may not be totally lost, even if he may never love and know her the way he did in her memories.

That feeling, the warmth of hope and biting pain of loss, is what pushes her to take a risk and whisper, "Do you remember what I said to you? Before Trost?"

The first glimmers of sunlight can be seen on the horizon now. Reiner had been watching it, but at Gabi's words, he turns back around to look over her.

It's hard to tell in the shadows, but for a moment, she could swear that his expression is hard and dark.

She blinks to find Reiner looking at her with hesitant curiosity and knows that it was just a trick of the light.

"You mean about not trying to get back to my hometown?" he asks.

"Yeah," Gabi says, voice hushed and fragile in the early morning air. "Did you think about it?"

Reiner smiles. It comes easier than she's used to. "I agreed with you, didn't I?" he asks.

He did. And then Trost happened. That means that he lied. He didn't listen to her at all, or if he did, it wasn't enough to stop him from committing one of the most heinous crimes of his lifetime. But saying that would mean letting him know that she knows he lied, so instead, she says, "You did. I just..." Have to bring it up again. I need to change your mind before you can do anything worse. I need to save you from yourself. "...I just wanted to remind you."

"You don't need to," Reiner says. "Believe me, I remember."

Hesitantly, Gabi smiles. "Good," she whispers.

Silence falls between them as they watch the sunrise. Gabi doesn't feel the comfortable warmth that she so craves, but for once, she also doesn't sense the tension and frustration that she's gotten so painfully used to with this Reiner. If she doesn't actually look at him, see his youth and ignorance, she can almost pretend that it's him. It's nice. It hurts, but it's nice.

A terrible voice scratches at the back of her mind, telling her that she can't trust this, that she knows better.

Gabi drowns it out by telling herself that she's taking a step in the right direction. Even if she hasn't gotten through to Reiner yet, she will. She's willing to bet her life on it.

Notes:

Gabi is not having a great time right now, but she is trying.

In other news! There will probably be a bit of a delay before I post the next chapter, since I need to finish my fic for Eruri Matchmaking and update Unchanging Destinations first. It won't be as big of a delay as there was between the prologue and this chapter, but you may have to wait two or three weeks. But on the bright side, next chapter will be longer and (hopefully) more exciting than this one! That said, this chapter is important in its own way, I promise.

Chapter 4: maybe you'll have a chance

Summary:

It's hard to pretend that everything's okay when it isn't.

Notes:

Thank you to Giles, Sage, and Amethyst for betaing!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Marco wakes up and feels the weight of the world on his shoulders. He thinks of Gabi, of everything she has told him, of the catastrophe that they are moving one step closer to with every passing day - if what she says is true.

His second thought of the day is that he must be thinking about it a lot if it's the first thing he thinks about upon waking up.

That doesn't alarm him as much as he almost expects it to.

Considering the circumstances, it would be more disturbing if he didn't think about it during every waking moment. Frankly, he's surprised that he hasn't started having nightmares yet. He knows that they're probably coming soon.

Finally, after he has spent well over a minute staring up at his ceiling, he thinks about the day ahead of him. He's exhausted just thinking about going out in front of everyone and pretending that everything's normal, but he knows that he can't avoid it. There isn't even any putting it off. He may have woken up before the morning wake-up call, but it can't be that far off. Marco has never been that much of an early riser.

He climbs out of bed and gets dressed at a decent pace. Not slow enough for it to feel like he's dragging his feet, but not fast enough to qualify as rushing. The wake-up call echoes down the halls while he is in the process of tugging his shirt on. Despite the stress wound tightly through his being, his lips quirk up slightly at having been proven right.

"God," Jean groans from his bed. "Does that have to be so loud?"

Marco's smile grows a little wider. "It is a wake-up call," he replies.

Once his shirt is on, he glances over his shoulder to see that Jean has rolled onto his stomach and pulled his pillow over his head. The sight makes his grin stretch a little wider. So does the sight of Armin sitting up and blinking blearily, hair sticking out at what seems like a thousand different angles.

"Good morning to you both," he cheerfully says, turning around and plastering a bright grin across his face. It isn't entirely real, it can't be with the weight still lurking in the back of his mind, but he has to try. He has to put on a good act for his friends. The thought is daunting, but when he thinks about how Gabi has been holding herself together so well under far more stressful conditions, it suddenly feels like the least he can do.

Armin flops back into his bed with a groan.

"Fuck off," Jean mutters from under his pillow.

"Would you like me to wait for you?" Marco asks.

"No thanks," Armin says, voice tired and weary. "We'll catch up with you later."

Jean pulls his pillow off his head to glare at Marco through narrowed eyes. "Go frolic with the other morning birds," he grumbles.

"Alright," Marco warmly says. "But you guys don't wanna dawdle. I heard that Captain Levi himself will drag you out of bed if you take too long to get up."

"We'll catch up," Armin assures him. At the same time, Jean lets out a pained, wordless groan.

Marco offers the pair one less fond look before stepping outside. He's gotten enough of a head start that the stone hallway is still abandoned. As he walks, he passes wide windows that allow pale morning air to stream into the hallway. It is somewhat warm on his face, but not very. He wonders if it will grow warmer as the day progresses, or if today is destined to be a little dreary.

It is followed by a pang of guilt. With all that is happening, it feels wasteful to spend even a moment thinking of something as irrelevant as the weather.

The thought is struck down almost as soon as it manifests. Although the situation might be dire, he cannot spend every moment thinking about it. Doing so would probably make him lose his mind. Maybe that's how Gabi's managed to keep her head above water despite the circumstances. She doesn't let herself forget her goals, but she also doesn't obsess over them to the point of blocking out everything else.

That sounds like her. True, he does not know her very well, but from what he's seen, it seems to line up with her behavior. If she were constantly obsessing over the future, she wouldn't have been able to form close relationships with any of her comrades. She may not have been around for very long, but he cannot doubt that she has strong bonds with some of her friends.

Although… there's a chance that he's looking at it the wrong way. Maybe she got close to the people she did precisely because she's always thinking about the future. But… that would affect the way she acts, wouldn't it? It's true that she's a little odd sometimes, but he can only imagine that it would be far more significant if she was never actually looking at the present. Marco knows that he'd probably be all jumpy and nervous if he was always thinking of the potential consequences of every little move that he makes.

Kind of like he is now.

Marco stops just outside the dining hall. He leans against the wall, closes his eyes, and breathes deeply.

The most important thing he can do now is clear his mind. He's never been a very good liar, let alone had to keep a secret of this magnitude. If he walks in as he is now, everyone will be able to see that something's wrong. Maybe they won't immediately grasp that he's hiding something, but he'll certainly seem suspicious, and suspicion isn't something he can afford right now. He needs to act normally. Or at least, as close to normal as anyone can get with what they've all just lived to.

Pretend that it never happened, he thinks. Forget about everything Gabi said. Forget about Bertolt and Reiner. Act like you survived Trost out of talent and luck.

It isn't the first time he's had to tell himself something like that. 'Act like everything's normal' had become a bit of a mantra in the days following the battle of Trost. At first, he had hoped that it would get easier in time. Now he knows that the pressure will continue to haunt him until he has a chance to plot a way forward. That's assuming that a plan doesn't make it even harder to seem inconspicuous.

The concept doesn't worry him as much as it should. After all, it's getting harder anyway . Not because it's gotten any harder to deal with what he's learned, but because the circumstances surrounding him are changing. Everyone was acting weird in the immediate aftermath of Trost. Now, the immediate shock is wearing off and everyone else is starting to settle into a sort of rhythm, but he still feels like he's walking on razor wire.

Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll just think that I can't handle grief, Marco thinks. It brings a morbid little smile to his lips. Being labeled as someone who can't handle loss wouldn't be a good thing for him. People will start questioning his choice to join the Survey Corps. He'll get looks of pity and doubt, possibly get a bad assignment when the expedition rolls around. It isn't the worst possible outcome though. The Survey Corps is too desperate for people to turn a willing soldier away just because he's emotionally vulnerable. He doesn't like the thought of the looks he'll get, but he can put up with it. It could be worse.

He could be dead. Without Gabi, he would be. And if she's right and he fucks this up for her, a whole lot of people will be.

A shaky breath leaves his lips. He deals with it by holding his breath, straightening his back, and counting down from ten in his head.

He makes it all the way to six before a voice cries out, "Hey, Marco!"

His heart drops into his stomach, because he knows that voice. It belongs to one of the very last people that he wants to speak to right now, someone who he doesn't know if he can act normal around. But he has to try, so he opens his eyes and plasters a smile on his face.

"Good morning, Eren," he says.

Eren stops a few feet away from him. He's smiling brightly, but that smile falters after a few seconds, his brow furrowing as it turns into a frown. "Is everything okay?"

Marco's smile almost falters. He manages to keep it in place through sheer force of will. "Absolutely," he lies. "Why do you ask?"

"You look a little... stressed."

"Well, I think we're all still pretty stressed. Is that why you're up? I didn't expect you do be one of the first ones down." He feels like the words should come out shaking and uneasy, but with a strong effort, they come out smooth and steady. That is, theoretically, a good thing. He knows that he should see it as something good. Instead, it makes him want to squirm, like he is listening to someone else use his voice. It's unnerving, but not as unnerving as the way he can't help but look at Eren, trying to find a glimmer of a monster in the face of the spirited boy before him.

He finds nothing. It's cold comfort when he knows, deep in his heart, that he has seen glimmers of that terrible potential before. That he will likely see more of it if he just waits and looks for long enough. He knows that he may be misjudging his friend on the words of a madwoman, but at the same time... he isn't. He can't be. With someone with Eren's personality and power, the risk of him becoming something terrible is always present, time travel be damned.

But he finds nothing for now. He is not alone in this - as uncomfortable as Marco feels, it looks like Eren doesn't catch any of it. His comrade rolls his shoulders and lets out a gusty sigh, the earlier concern leaving his face and voice. "Yeah, getting up this early sucks," he says. "But Reiner didn't come to bed last night, so I was kind of curious."

Marco nods. "Right. You're sharing a room with Bertolt and Reiner, right?"

If he were someone else, he might have laughed at the coincidence. As himself, it makes him feel a little sick. All three of humanity's biggest threats sharing one room. How do Bertolt and Reiner feel being so close to another shifter, but keeping their natures a secret from him?

What would Eren do?

Eren nods back. "Yeah. I was a little disappointed that I wasn't put with Armin, but..." A shit-eating grin crosses his face. "I'd much rather keep watching Bertolt contort himself in his sleep than get stuck with Jean."

"Jean's not that bad!" Marco exclaims. It's the most genuine he's felt since this conversation started. "Besides..." he drops his voice as he adds, "I think he's changed a lot from what he's been through."

Eren falters. The sorrowful resignation that flickers across his face suggests that he already knows that and just isn't ready to face it quite yet. That thought is only cemented when he shrugs and says, "Whatever. I'm starving - why don't we go get something to eat?"

Marco's stomach churns. Getting breakfast with Eren is one of the single most unappealing prospects he can think of right now, but the dining hall is right there and Eren is looking at the bright, hopeful look of someone wanting to spend time with someone they consider a friend. For the past three years, Marco has considered Eren a friend too. But how can he treat him like a friend when he now knows that he may go on to destroy the world?

It isn't fair to punish Eren for something that he hasn't done yet. Something that he won't do if everything works out.

But he could do it. He hasn't, probably won't, but he might. How is Marco supposed to forget that?

He can't, but right now, he needs to pretend. If Marco wants to be inconspicuous, then he has no option but to go along with him. So he keeps his smile in place, nods his head, and says, "Lead the way."

He follows Eren through the large wooden doors and into the dining hall. A few workers are setting trays of food out and some unfamiliar scouts are scattered across the tables, but the sole familiar face is-

Oh, Maria. Marco's stomach twists, and although he tries, he isn't able to keep his grin from falling.

"Hey, Reiner!" Eren calls, waving their comrade over. He startles, looking for all the world like he was lost in his own little world, but promptly turns around and walks toward them. As he gets closer, Marco notices that there are dark bags under his eyes. He wonders if there's any weight to what Gabi said about him, if maybe the weight of what he's done has been keeping him up at night, or if it's the pressure of all the lies he's told. Or maybe he isn't actually bothered by any of that stuff at all and he's been staying up because of something else entirely.

The thought makes Marco's stomach twist uneasily. He wants to believe Gabi in this instance and think that Reiner feels remorse for what he's done, or at least will grow into someone who does. That is in line with the Reiner he knows. However, the Reiner he knows was proven to be a lie the moment he learned his identity. It would be ignorant of him to cling to a certain image of him just because he wants it to be true. Even if it is, it doesn't undo any of the things he's done or the damage he's caused. No matter how he changes going forward, there is no changing the past. Not for him, anyway.

Reiner is a mass murderer. He would have killed him if he knew what he had heard. He is also someone who he considered a friend until very recently; someone who might still be a friend, depending on how things play out. Marco does not know how to reconcile those things. Someday he'll have to, and someday he will. But for now, he takes the path of least resistance, which also happens to be the easiest and most convenient path for his situation. He doesn't even try to fit the two pieces of Reiner. Instead, he continues with his earlier plan and prepares to act like everything is normal, to try to look at Reiner the way he did before Trost.

Or the way Reiner wanted him to look at him. Where he had once been certain that he knew Reiner, it now feels like he is looking at a stranger. How much of his personality was an act? Why did he do the horrible things he did? How much more would be do if given the chance and motivation? What were his motivations, his limits? What will set him off, what could wind him down? Eren is a familiar danger, but Marco doesn't know Reiner at all.

Except according to Gabi, Reiner regretted his actions in the end. He tried to help save the world. Eren tried to end it. Which one of them is more dangerous, then?

Does any of that matter? Right now, they are both loaded guns. Having breakfast with them like he would on any other day is an impossible task. Even before they start speaking, he knows that it's impossible. But he has to try, because if he tries hard enough, he knows that he can at least get close enough to avoid suspicion. He has to.

Luckily, he's never been one of the bolder personalities among the 104th, especially when compared to the likes of Eren and Reiner. That means that as long as he contributes enough to seem engaged, he can probably slip into the background and let them take the reigns.

When Reiner is only a few steps away, Eren decides that he doesn't want to wait for him to reach them after all. He closes the distance between them and steps right in front of him, a heavy frown on his face. "You look tired. Were you up all night?"

Reiner shrugs. "What can I say? I wasn't tired."

"You look tired," Eren presses.

"Ah, well..." Reiner rubs the back of his head uneasily, then drops his hand back down to his side. "I guess it would have been more accurate to say that I couldn't sleep."

Marco can't see Eren's face from this angle, but he catches the way his shoulders slump and hears his long exhale of breath. "Yeah, I get that," he says. "You still should have tried to get some sleep."

"I was feeling restless and didn't want to keep you guys up."

"Please." Eren snorts. "I stay up late all the time anyway, and Bertolt could sleep through a hurricane. You've just making excuses to-" He pauses then, taking a step back from Reiner and looking him up and down. "Hey, Reiner. Where's your jacket?"

"Reiner blinks."My jacket?"

"Yeah. You're in uniform, but your jacket's missing. Why?"

"Oh. I guess Gabi must still have it."

He says the word so casually, completely oblivious to the reaction that it sets off in the other people in the hall. Eren looks over at Marco, surprise, curiosity, and devious delight on his face.

And Marco?

Marco feels his heart skip a beat.

There was only so much that Gabi could tell him in a rushed, emotional conversation during the battle for Trost. Even with the wealth of information that she managed to give him, he still finds himself facing massive gaps. Yet one thing made itself massively clear, if not through her words alone, then in the expressions on her face and the pain in her eyes. Gabi is massively emotionally compromised when it comes to Reiner. He does not yet know how deep it goes, how much of a threat it is, or how high of alert he should be on, but it's enough for him to know that he doesn't like the thought of her being alone with him.

In a situation full of uncertainties, Reiner's status as a threat is established. Whether or not she is actually from the future, the fact that Gabi knows he is the Armored Titan means that he would consider her a threat. Every second she is alone with him is a second where she places herself in unnecessary danger.

And apparently, they were hanging out while everyone else was asleep.

Marco doesn't know what his face might look like in that instant, but it makes Eren chuckle. He takes that as his cue to force himself into a more neutral expression as Eren turns back around to face Reiner.

"So you and Gabi were hanging out, alone, and night, and now she just happens to have your jacket?" Eren teases.

"Woah, woah, woah," Reiner says, taking a step back and holding his hands up. "It wasn't anything like that."

Marco thinks back to Gabi's admission of being Reiner's cousin and doesn't know if he should find the scene playing out before him funny or nauseating. Either way, it's a half-decent distraction from everything else.

"Are ya sure?" Eren asks. "I know she doesn't seem like she likes you, but that could just be a smokescreen to hide her real feelings."

"I could say the same thing about you and Jean," Reiner shoots back.

Eren lets out an indignant squawk. At the same time, Reiner looks over at Marco and asks, "A little help here?"

Their conversation is a decent distraction, but not enough. He still can't bring himself to force a smile. So he trains his expression into one of concern instead and says in a gentle, worried tone, "I mean... Eren shouldn't be spreading gossip, but it isn't healthy for you to be staying up all night either."

"But that's not-"

"I have far better taste than Horseface!" Eren cries.

Reiner's attention snaps away from Marco immediately. He shoots Eren a wide, shit-eating grin and says, "You say that, but maybe you just have a thing for Jacka-"

Eren bends over and tackles Reiner with a howl. Reiner slides a few inches back, but manages to stand his guard, laughing as he holds onto the writhing Eren.

Marco watches, and in that instant, he can barely see what is beyond what could be. Eren would want to tear Reiner apart for real if he knew the truth. He would be called a hero for doing so, the defender of humanity. But that's not how the story unfolds, is it? Not according to Gabi. She spun a tale where the roles switched in the end, the person who was always supposed to be the villain helping to put down the one who was meant to be a hero like he is some sort of sick dog.

He wonders if terms like 'hero' and 'villain' can even apply when they both would have had so much blood on their hands. He wonders if there would have been any difference between them at all if not for Eren's last, horrible act.

Then he wonders if Gabi's Reiner mourned for Eren. If he blamed himself at all for what he became.

It's a dark, heavy train of thought that won't actually get him anywhere. Rather than dwell on it, he turns his gaze away from the tussling duo, scanning the dining hall for any new signs of life. It shouldn't take long for the others to start filing in. Yet when he catches a glimpse of movement, it doesn't come from the doors behind him, but the door leading outside.

There is weariness on Gabi's face as she slips into the dining hall. Marco probably would have noticed it if he wasn't already looking for it, but he was, and it's there. She is barefoot and clad in her pajamas, save for the conspicuous Survey Corps jacket slung over her shoulders. The sound of Eren and Reiner's scuffle draws her attention before long. Her expression closes off somewhat, but she is unable to completely hide the pain there. Marco has no doubt that she would be able to if she knew that someone was looking, but he finds that he doesn't want to force that extra strain on her. As such, he doesn't call out as he slips away from Eren and Reiner.

Gabi doesn't notice him approaching at first. However, one particularly heavy footfall makes her flinch and turn around. To her credit, the surprise on her face dissipates fairly quickly, leaving behind something heavy and solemn. Her smile is not enough to hide it completely.

"Marco," she greets. "You're up early."

Marco shrugs. "You missed the wake-up call. Everyone else should be down in a bit."

"Shit," Gabi mutters. "I mean, thanks. I should probably go get dressed then."

"Probably," Marco agrees, only to immediately regret it. Right now, he and Gabi are able to speak in something close to privacy. There's no telling when they'll get that opportunity again. He needs to take advantage of that. "Actually, wait. We should-"

"We need to talk." Gabi pauses, glancing around the hall. Eren and Reiner have stopped wrestling and seem to be deep in some sort of animated conversation. No one else seems to be paying any attention to them. Even so, she lowers her voice to a hoarse whisper. "Tomorrow morning, three hours before sunrise. Meet me in the stables."

Marco nods. Odds are, meeting at such a time will mean getting little to no sleep, but that's one of the lowest priorities here.

Gabi nods in return. She takes a step forward, but before she can dart off, Marco blurts out, "You were with Reiner?"

"Yeah?" Gabi says, a hint of bemusement on her face as she looks back at him. "He couldn't sleep either. What about it?"

So, so much. There's no time to get into it though, and as he looks at Gabi's oblivious face, he gets the sense that she wouldn't listen even if there was.

After a moment of consideration, Marco condenses everything he's thinking and feeling into the simplest possible message and says, "You should be careful around him."

"Oh." Gabi smiles. It's a little softer than her usual grins, possibly an attempt at being reassuring, but still bright and bold. "I know this is probably scary for you, but don't worry about me. I know Reiner. I can handle him."

That's wrong. Marco can't put his finger on exactly what, doesn't know enough to even begin to envision the big picture, but something about that feels innately wrong. A feeling alone won't be enough though, not for someone like Gabi, so he just nods and smiles uneasily. "If you're sure."

"I am," Gabi says. "I'll talk to you later, okay?"

Marco nods, and Gabi hurries off through the doors leading down the hall to the sleeping quarters.

He turns around to find Eren and Reiner staring at him. The feeling of their eyes burning into him makes him want to turn around and run away. Instead, he walks back over to them. Somehow, he even manages a smile this time.

"You didn't get my jacket back?" Reiner asks.

"Ah, sorry, I forgot," Marco says.

Eren laughs. "I don't think you're ever getting that thing back."

Reiner furrows his brow, frowning. "She hates me so much that she's keeping my jacket?"

"I mean, it's what I would do," Eren says.

Reiner shoots him an incredulous look. At the same time, Marco points out, "You can probably get a new one easily enough. It looks like they have a lot of them."

"True enough," Reiner says with a sigh. He pauses for a heartbeat before clapping his hands on Eren and Marco's shoulders and declaring, "Come on, let's get something to eat before Sasha shows up and takes it all for herself."

Despite everything, breakfast goes relatively quickly, especially once the rest of his classmates start to file in.

It still isn't the same as before - not anywhere close. Deep down, he knows that it will never be again.

It's incredible how you can be sitting in a crowded room and still feel completely alone. Gabi is aware of the reams of people sitting around, behind, and in front of her. Some of them are so close that she can hear their breathing and feel the heat radiating off of them if she focuses enough. She can hear the Commander speak, his tones smooth and melodic. Given that he's going over the plan for the upcoming expedition, she should be focusing on what he's saying. It should be the most important thing in her world right now, she should be blocking out everything else to zero in on it with a laser focus. There are too many holes in what she knows about how the 57th expedition will play out. If she wishes to make a truly solid plan, then she needs to learn as much as she can.

Yet her gaze keeps slipping away from Erwin Smith. For in the crowded room where she feels so very alone, someone else lingers by the doorway. Whenever she looks over him, his expression is bored and apathetic, eyes locked onto Erwin. It would seem that he never so much as glances her way. Yet whenever she looks back at the Commander, she feels the hairs on the back of her neck begin to tingle, the way that they always do when he's watching her.

That doesn't mean that Levi's actually paying her any attention. Gabi is painfully aware of the possibility that she might be imagining it because she does want him to notice her so badly. Even so, she can't help but hope. And that hope keeps her looking even when she shouldn't.

Fortunately, the Commander doesn't seem to have noticed how unfocused she is. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for everyone.

"Hey," Sasha hisses, elbowing her in the side and leaning over to whisper in her ear. "What are you looking at?"

"Nothing," Gabi quickly fibs. Too quickly. Or maybe it's just that her body isn't as fast as her mouth sometimes. She looks away from Levi a second after she speaks and can do nothing but watch in despair as Sasha follows her gaze back over to the watching Captain.

"Uh-huh," Sasha says. She gives Gabi a piercing look, then shakes her head and sighs as loudly as she can without drawing everyone's attention their way. "Don't know why you're looking at that lil' guy when you could be watching Commander Handsome over there."

The implication that she was looking at Levi combined with "Commander Handsome" are too much to take in a single blow. When she tries to speak, a garbled choking noise leaves her mouth, causing her to snap it shut and shake her head violently.

"No," she says once she's capable of speech again. "Sasha, no."

"Why not?" Sasha asks, a devious grin spreading across her face. "It's nothing that other people aren't saying. I mean." She jerks her head at Erwin. "Look at him."

"You shouldn't talk about your commanding officer that way," Gabi argues.

But it's more than that. When she first saw the Commander, it had felt unreal. She was looking at Commander Erwin Smith, one of the best strategic minds Paradis had ever produced, if not the best. The man who had recruited Levi to the Survey Corps and lead the people she looked up to into their first battles. A man who had been able to come up with a strategy that beat Zeke. Even if he hadn't survived the battle, that was no small feat. It was safe to say that she had been somewhat starstruck.

Then she thought of how Levi looked whenever he told her about him. The pain on his face, the thinly veiled heartache in his voice. It wasn't quite as bad as it had been when he told her about Isabel and Farlan, but she suspected that that was only because he had spoken about him more, because he wasn't the only one left who remembered him.

The moment she remembered that, it became impossible to look at Erwin quite the same way. Sure, Gabi recognizes the brilliant blue of his eyes, the regal arch of his eyebrows, the proud structure of his face, but it's impossible to be attracted to him. She still looks at him and knows that she's looking at a legend, but she's also acutely aware that she's looking at someone very dear to a person she cares about.

Another person for her to save.

Of course, Sasha has no such issues, nor is she shamed by Gabi's words. She shrugs, grins a little wider, and points out, "He doesn't need to know."

"He will if you two don't quiet down," Jean snaps, turning around to glare at them.

Gabi feels her eyes widen as she furiously whips her head from side to side. Erwin is still giving his presentation, cool and unflappable as ever, but some of the people closest to her and Sasha have turned to stare at them.

Her gaze flicks to the doorway once again. This time, she catches Levi as he looks away.

So you are watching, she thinks, chest growing a little tighter.

Meanwhile, Sasha whispers, "Sorry! We'll be quiet! Quiet as a c-"

Connie reaches over from Sasha's other side to slap a hand over her mouth. She makes a few sounds of protest, but ultimately slumps down and accepts her fate.

Jean eyes her for a moment later before looking Gabi in the eyes. "You'll wanna pay attention if you don't want to end up titan food."

She should just agree, back down, and let that be that. People are already looking - she doesn't want to start arguing with Jean and officially become a disruption. But his words spark of flame in her chest. Her mind flashes back to the raid on Liberio, the battle of Paradis, the Rumbling itself - all of the times she's looked death in the face and come out alive. Then she pictures herself meeting her end in the jaws of some random titan and can't help but scowl.

"I survived Trost," she points out, because that's the only argument she can make to him.

It is impossible for Jean to frown any deeper, but his eyes darken. "That doesn't guarantee anything. It's gotta be a whole other world out there. If you drop your guard just because you survived Trost, then you'll probably..." His adam's apple bobs up and down as he tries and fails to finish his thought.

He doesn't need to. That flame in her chest sputters and flickers out, leaving shame in its wake. Gabi thinks of the confidence she had felt the morning of the attack on Trost, her utter certainty that she had changed the future. She remembers how it had all but crippled her during the battle itself, how Armin and Connie had needed to pull her together before she could fall apart completely. And if still wasn't enough to stop her from breaking down crying in Marco's arms later that day. She can't afford to go into the 57th expedition with the same overconfidence as she did Trost. If she does, then even if she manages to avoid becoming a smear on the bottom of Annie's foot, the odds of her changing the outcome of the expedition drop drastically.

"You're right," she whispers. "Sorry, Jean, I'll pay more attention."

Jean nods, and for a second, she sees the person he will be years from now.

Then he turns around and is lost to her again.

Compared to everything else she's been through, it's such a small hurt that it should barely even register. But it still hurts. Gabi feels her throat threaten to constrict and swallows just to stop that from happening. She takes a deep breath in through her nose, holds it for her second, and lets it out through her mouth. Once her chest doesn't ache quite as much, she looks up at the Commander and forces herself to listen.

It doesn't get easier to listen. She still feels the prickle that tells her that Levi's watching her. The feeling makes her want to run over to him, to ask what he thinks, what she's doing well, what he thinks she could do better. If she can do better, then she can entrench herself in his memories, make herself into someone that he can't look away from. But if she messes up during the expedition, he'll be looking at her for all the wrong reasons.

No. That's not what she should focus on. It's not what they would focus on. If she screws up on the 57th expedition, there's no telling how many people will die. Losing her chance to reclaim her relationship with Levi will be the least of her problems if that happens. Levi himself has to be a lower priority than the expedition, even if her selfish heart is telling her otherwise.

She still can't stop herself from looking toward Levi the second the Commander finishes his presentation. He's still leaning against the doorway, staring heavily at Erwin. People start draining out of the room, but he doesn't so much as glance at any of them.

Sasha tugs at Gabi's should as she stands up. "Aren't you coming?"

Gabi stands up, gaze still locked onto Levi, and hesitates. "I'll catch up in a bit," she says.

Sasha looked at Levi, then at Gabi, and nods seriously. "I see."

Beside her, Connie has a wide, obnoxious grin on his face. "Aaaaah," he says. "Gonna shoot your shot, huh?"

Gabi feels her eyes widen as she shoots a panicked glance at Levi. When he doesn't show any sign of having heard, she turns to glare at Sasha and Connie. "You two need to stop talking like that," she says.

"Right, right," Connie says, nodding. "It's Eren that you have a crush on, right?"

"What!?" Gabi squawks.

"I mean, you get along well, and you hang out all the time, so-"

"I do not have a crush on Eren!" Gabi exclaims. It's far louder than she intended - several people stop to look at her, including Mikasa, who is lingering at the very edge of the doorway. Gabi can only watch in mortification as she eyes her unreadably for a long moment before turning around and stalking out. The only silver lining about the situation is that aside from Jean, Levi, the Commander, and the troublesome twosome themselves, all of the other important people have already left the room.

"Yeeeeeah," Connie says, staring at where Mikasa walked away. "Normally I'd say that I don't believe you, but it's probably a good idea for you to not have a crush on Eren."

"There are plenty of other options!" Sasha cheerfully says. "I mean, Jean's kinda weird and gross-"

"You could at least have this conversation in private," Jean grumbles before walking out of the room.

"-but Marco's sweet, Armin's smart, and Connie's there too!"

"Connie's there too?" Connie squawks.

Having finished collecting his things, Commander Erwin shoots them an amused grin as he steps out of the room. Gabi kind of wants to die at that moment.

"Yeah!" Sasha exclaims. "And I know you don't like him very much, but if you gave him a chance, I'm sure Reiner could be-"

"You two need to stop talking," Gabi interrupts. There are so many reasons she says that. For one thing, she refuses to let Sasha finish that sentence. Secondly, she can't exactly tell her that she wouldn't ever be able to look at any member of the alliance romantically. At least, no one except for the boy who still haunts her heart, leaving her unable to look at anyone romantically even if time travel wasn't involved.

Third, Levi is walking away.

Gabi takes off after the Captain without a second word to her friends. Levi had been a force to be reckoned with during the Rumbling. Even after that, he was surprisingly able and dexterous for a man in a wheelchair. Now, uninjured and in peak physical condition, he's faster than she can remember him ever having ever been before. He's only moving at a walk, yet Gabi finds herself running to keep up. When he reaches the end of the hallway and pushed open a door to step out into the courtyard, she fears that she might lose him. Before that can happen, she shouts, "Captain, wait up!"

Levi pauses, one hand pushing the door open. He only turns his head partially in Gabi's direction as he asks, "Did you need something?"

"I wanted to talk to you," Gabi says, letting herself slow down into a walk.

Levi finally faces her fully, but it is to shoot her a flat, unimpressed look. "About?"

Gabi falters. She has a reason to speak to Levi, of course, but it isn't one that she can offer to him. Her Levi would scoff and roll his eyes, but would ultimately accept 'I want to talk to you because I miss you' as an acceptable reason. This one, a near-total stranger who she has only met once before, when he caught her during her freefall from Wall Rose? He will think she's insane. Maybe she can pretend that she's just star-struck, but she knows better than to expect that to get him to stick around and talk to her.

Fuck. She really should have seen this coming.

After a long, uncomfortable pause, she managed to get out, "I joined the Survey Corps."

Levi raises an eyebrow. "And? Do you want me to pat your ass for doing what you said you would?"

"No!" Gabi exclaims. "I just..." Wanted to make sure that you haven't forgotten me.

Levi sighs heavily. He closes the door and takes a step closer to Gabi, which she would take as a victory if not for the heavy, dark expression on his face. "Now that you're in the Survey Corps, it doesn't matter how you got here. Climbing the wall doesn't make you special, so you need to get that shit out of your head right away."

Gabi feels her heart sink and her mind short-circuit in the same instant. "That's not- I didn't think-"

"You shouldn't, because it won't do a thing to keep you alive once you're beyond the walls. Make one wrong step, one wrong choice, and you're just as likely to end up titan food as everyone who went through three years of training."

"I know that," Gabi says. "I didn't think that in the first place. I mean. I made them put me in with the rest of the cadets for a reason."

That's a blatant lie. Asking to be placed with the 104th had nothing to do with her not feeling like she was prepared to face titans. She had felt like she was absolutely ready to face titans right away. She still kind of does. It was the only defense she had though, so she scrambled to say it, regardless of how true it may or may not be. It comes out confident too, a strong, solid lie. Yet as she looks at Levi, she gets the feeling that he doesn't believe her."

"You really think a couple months of extra training will make a difference?" he asks.

The wind has already left Gabi's sails. All this does is show her that it's possible to sink lower yet.

Levi is staring her with a heavy, unreadable look. Gabi's fighting the urge not to start squirming beneath it when he sighs and shakes his head. "You did a good job surviving Trost," he says. "Keep that up and maybe you'll have a chance."

With that, he turns around and walks out into the courtyard.

Gabi stays where she is.

She has no idea how to feel.

Notes:

I'm sorry that it took so long for this chapter to be posted! I wish I could say that my next update will come sooner, but I'm going to try, but... I'm actually on study abroad now? I'm going to be traveling, lots of which will be out of country, and don't get back until August 16th. So things are going to happen when they happen. But! Hopefully next chapter will be up in less than a month! Hopefully! But I make no promises.

(That said, if it helps at all, next chapter is going to be an exciting one!)