Chapter 17
Remember that you are alive.
"Daddy," He whispered into the night with a frosty breath that cut through the air.
Streams of light sunk into the tender earth, illuminating checkered spaces of white and black throughout the open landscape.
There were trees in a cusp around him, cradling the spot of earth where he unevenly stood, legs collapsing with the effort it took to figure what was up from down,
"Mama!" He screamed into the gentle wind, but his message wasn't carried far enough to reach her, or perhaps, she refused to answer.
The skies opened, but no spirits came down to whisk him away.
A memory projected in the stars.
He had just been a kit, that was all the time he had ever had with them.
Their mother had just taken sick, but she powered through it to play with her kits.
Their father was there too, watching over her and helping to take some of the edge off with his joyous stories.
He hadn't been afraid at the time; his brother had been sick before, and he was just fine.
They had the greatest healers in all the land and the most merciful spirits watching over them; there was no danger.
She watched them play and gave words of encouragement no matter what they did.
Their father was suddenly called away to do some job away from there, hunting or patrolling.
He stopped rumbling in the dirt to watch him walk away.
He called out to him and begged him to stay.
His father turned and opened his mouth, but the words which he spoke passed right through him.
The air shifted and his father was gone.
His mother tried to reassure him that he would be back in only a short time, but the kit pouted and refused to play any longer, even as his brother bounded around in front him.
He just wanted both of their parents to be there.
It hadn't been the last time they were together as a family, but it still stuck out in his mind as a bitter irony over his life; one scene of many he would find himself spurned with regret deep into the night.
The memory blended into another, from when he learned of their father's disappearance.
It was his most vivid recollection from those moons, and the one that invaded his mind more often than any other.
It was no benefit to live it again; he'd done so so many times,
"Daddy," He found himself pleading again, and the sky closed to refuse his call, leaving the land sightless and unnavigable.
Still, he put his paws forward and stumbled blindly in the night, his legs barely strong enough to carry his weight.
He wanted to flee this place, get away somewhere beyond the mountains and rivers, far from the forests, far from the cities.
He wanted to be free of mind, and lie in the sun, and return to the dirt where his life was formed.
But his body was too weak, and he collapsed in the darkness, falling before a growth protruding from the ground.
Its touch was like frozen, dead grass, and he pulled away in disgust and fear.
The sky broke once again, but only a single star shone through, landing where his eyes meant to see, revealing in perfect stillness the unmistakable visage of Acornpaw.
He didn't remember what Acornpaw looked like anymore; every time he saw him, though he knew without fail that it was his brother, his features had been slowly fading away, and now, he only saw the mass of a silhouette to represent him.
Aspenpaw felt his body return to him, a painful exertion as the reality of the dream reached his understanding.
There was dried blood, or perhaps berry juice, on the grass where he had collapsed, spilled from his brother's mouth as he was giving his last breaths.
Aspenpaw looked at his victim, and he started to speak, "I'm not, angry, anymore. I'm not so angry anymore. Did you, did you find Starclan? Is she with you? Tell her-her, I don't know, you've always been more creative,"
He tried to communicate a message, holding onto the hope that Acornpaw would really be able to hear him from somewhere far away, "Never mind. Just tell her something nice from you. I-I, I hope she's, that she's forgotten me,"
Even in a dream, the tears came all the same the longer that Aspenpaw stared at his brother's body, and he started choking on the liquids that rose to his mouth,
"I'm-I'm, so, sorry! I'm sorry! I-I know, I know you aren't here, but I'm so, so sorry! Why can't I just die? Why can't you just get up?" He screamed at the corpse, the seeds of his sow drifting down his trembling legs, but another voice soon overtook his.
A moment of fear and bliss streamed through his body, but it wasn't his brother who spoke, it was a voice above the dark clouds.
"As!" A whisper echoed in his ears as Aspenpaw lifted from unconsciousness.
He was awake in an instant, sharply paranoid of every dark corner of his vision.
Deya stood beside him, her paw resting on his flank,
"You awake?" She asked, as quietly as Aspenpaw had ever heard her.
She had obviously just been asleep herself.
Aspenpaw just nodded, feeling his throat burn when he tried to hum out a response,
"You were wailin'," She informed him, sympathy risen in her glowing amber eyes.
"I'm sorry," Aspenpaw was still crying, and he was still apologizing to Acornpaw as he spoke to Deya,
"It's fine," She responded, "You've had a hard day. It's hard to sleep after everything,"
Aspenpaw did really feel terrible for waking her, no matter how much reassurance she gave, but right now, Acornpaw was the only thing he could focus on, and he felt infinitely worse simply to remember his brother's voice,
"Do you want to go for a walk?" Deya suddenly offered.
Aspenpaw looked up at her and he felt the urge to tell her everything, even though it would make her hate him as he deserved.
He felt safer with her than he had with anyone for a long time,
"Yeah, yeah," He didn't hesitate to accept, and stood warily on his paws, shaken deeply by his dream.
Deya stood idly as Aspenpaw checked his footing, and they slowly navigated the tendrils of legs protruding from the edges of the darkness.
They turned the corner left, back the way they had originally come, and Aspenpaw felt a strange depression to think about Apollo, and it was clear he wasn't alone in this feeling.
Deya's face, illuminated by lights that never left the thunderpath in peace, was molded by this same feeling, a look like she was still trying just as hard as Aspenpaw had to understand the she-cat,
"You thinkin' about Apollo?" Aspenpaw asked, knowing the answer and wanting to create a dialogue between them, hoping to finally understand just who Apollo had been.
Deya didn't respond immediately, but she kept her face forward, not shielding herself when her emotions clearly showed,
"I'm just, really-" She struggled to find the words, "-upset, 'bout everything," There was a hesitation to appear weak which Aspenpaw recognized in her voice,
"Do you wanna talk about it a bit?"
"I don', I don't know, I'm too stupid to come up with the words," Deya smiled timidly like she expected Aspenpaw to laugh,
"You're not stupid,"
Not knowing how to justify his argument, he reasoned like the kit he was, "You know a lot more words than I do,"
Deya didn't reply this time, and Aspenpaw assumed he had already failed at winning her favor tonight, which was his first immediate thought before even that he had failed to give her help and comfort.
A phrase popped into his head and spilled out his mouth without much of a thought to it, "We can always try again tomorrow,"
"What's that mean?" Aspenpaw had only a moment to decide what he would say, and without a lie coming fast enough, he told the complete truth,
"It's just, something that our dad used to say a lot. He'd always say that when we felt really bad. He'd say, "Tonight doesn't matter; we can always try again tomorrow. I don't know if that's so true anymore though,"
Deya looked relieved to have the conversation shift more towards him,
"Who's 'we'?" Aspenpaw was mortified.
Sounds akin to choking sounded in his throat quickly before he swallowed them.
His mouth kept silent for so long that Deya began to look regretful for asking.
His legs spasmed at random intervals as he tried to move ahead, even just stopping and sitting on the hard ground.
He didn't know how to respond, "Are you okay, As? I'm sorry for askin'," It seemed like it was this moment more than ever which would determine Aspenpaw's future,
"I-I have a brother," He whispered the confession, breathing sharply between words.
Deya didn't respond; she didn't seem to know what to say.
The world was in interregnum, seemingly at a stop for the moment.
Nothing was real anymore.
All the sights around were familiar by now, thunderpaths, buildings, and pole-lights, and Deya still stood beside him, more familiar than any of those things, but none of them were right.
It was like a dream, where everything blended together with a vagueness that hid detail and focused on everything at once; an imitation of life.
Aspenpaw waited for something to happen, for Deya to begin laughing, or yelling at him, or comforting him, but nothing happened.
The only thing that moved through the night were teardrops gently hitting the ground and splashing over his paws.
Nothing would break this moment, no sudden flash of light, no grand realization, and no continuing conversation.
Aspenpaw just started walking again, no other goal in mind.
He didn't look anywhere but straight forward, and he didn't hear any steps following him.
It was disquieting to be alone again, the most horrible moments which Aspenpaw always desired.
He looked up to the dark, starry sky.
It was so vast and painful; it didn't matter whether or not Acornpaw was really up there, there was no way that Aspenpaw would ever be able to find him.
Several days passed, five now.
Step by step, the commune had fitted to their unknown environment.
Only Ledivier had been to north-side before, and today, she and Aranyer set out to search for familiars in the hostile city.
Aspenpaw thought it interesting how Ledivier had picked Aranyer to go with her opposed to Deya, who could speak the higher language that might be able to save them from trouble, the way he understood it.
Nobody had stepped out of the pack to become the leader, and without the motivation and orders to collaborate, cats only worked in their cliques.
Whenever they could, Deya and Aspenpaw would stay together, Roco and Aranyer would stay together, and Rese and Ledivier would stay together, although Rese was still mostly out of commission, her wounds never having had the chance to heal with the limited amount of herbs they were running on.
There was a cranny at the end of the narrow-way which Aspenpaw had discovered burrowing through crates and various scrap metals which had tossed here to be forgotten.
He, along with whoever else was available, had been in the process of removing these foreign objects and disposing of them in a neighboring narrow-way.
Though it happened almost nowhere else, everyone agreed that it had to be done, and that it would be much nicer to sleep without such paranoia as had plagued them for the few nights they'd been here.
It had been tedium for three days straight now, and Aspenpaw couldn't blame Ledivier and Aranyer for getting away from it.
With their absence, work had all but halted.
Rese hardly ever did much, and Roco took the time to search for a source of herbs, any sort of vegetation in the moderate perimeter.
She took Deya along with her, so Aspenpaw was left to go hunting at the small patch of green and trees that he and Deya had found.
He had caught two starlings which were nesting in the arching wall that rose above the small trees.
He was careful to avoid the spots of recently dug up earth, places where Roco had planted some of her scarce herbs.
There was no reason to stay any longer, no birds would come back when he was there, but Aspenpaw wanted to hold out so he wouldn't be alone with Rese, so sat in a shady corner and boringly waited for the time to pass.
But it didn't pass how he had wanted it to, and Aspenpaw soon found himself growing anxious without a job to perform.
He felt useless sitting here alone, and his muscles spasmed inordinately until he was back up on his paws and moving through the unfamiliar passageways of the city.
He was so far from Riverclan now, and all he had to remember it by was his name, which he refused to share in full over some grand paranoia that grasped him and forced the decisions he made,
"Pardon!" A voice called from across the barren thunderpath. A tom came hurtling towards him without much worry for monsters.
Aspenpaw placed his catches behind him and tensed his muscles, preparing for a fight.
The cat wasn't outwardly threatening, but Aspenpaw knew it was likely a trick to steal his prey,
"Pardon me," The tom said again when he was close enough to engage in conversation, "Do ya know where it is that they're enlistin'? I'm lookin' to join in the fight 'gainst Charlie,"
"I don't know anything," Aspenpaw growled.
The tom seemed bothered by Aspenpaw's behavior and quickly departed, "Sorry I wasted yer time,"
He watched him disappear behind a corner before even recognizing what the tom had asked him.
Jean was accepting toms into his army somewhere around here, and though Aspenpaw didn't know what that would entail for the commune, it seemed important enough that he kept it on his mind until he would be able to discuss the revelation with Deya.
For now he continued moving along the evening cut sidewalk, checking over his shoulder more and more as he neared the commune's base.
He arrived too early, and Rese was still the only of his compatriots to be present.
He moved past her without a work or glance and placed his catches beneath the overhang.
She reciprocated his actions perfectly, and the air was static as Aspenpaw laid down and waited for Deya to return.
His anxiety of being useless had been trumped by this new information which plunged its own fear into his heart.
Neither of the stubborn cats made a single noise that could be interpreted as a sign of interaction.
Aspenpaw warily kept a single open eye on Rese's coxcomb pelt, finding her more as an enemy now than a comrade,
"Nobody wants ya 'ere, ya know, tom," Rese growled at him suddenly, knowing he wasn't really asleep.
Aspenpaw lifted his head to bite back, but she beat him to it, "They only voted fer ya to stay 'cause they hate me more. You oughta scram already, yu'v stayed 'ere long enough,"
Though he had been prepared to spit numerous insults at the she-cat, he was struck dumb now as to what to say, because Rese was right.
Aranyer and Roco had both only voted on his behalf to spite Rese, and in retrospect, even Deya seemed mostly fueled by that single factor,
"There's no place fer toms 'ere. Ye're all good fer nothin' at all," Aspenpaw lied back down, unspeakably frustrated at his lack of combativeness as Rese continued to berate him.
He felt helpless having no argument to counter her.
No cat had ever intimidated him in the way that Rese did.
If he tried to shout over her, her voice was louder, if he tried to argue, her tongue was sharper, and if he tried to ignore her, his eyes would still always keep her in their corners.
Thankfully, she didn't say anything more, and Aspenpaw lied in silence, trying in his mind to replay the moment and determine what he could have said back to her.
It wasn't long later, in the early evening, when Deya and Roco returned from their sojourn, bearing just a few stems and berries, not nearly enough to treat all the still-fresh wounds of the commune.
Deya seemed suspicious when she walked into the scene of Rese and Aspenpaw alone together, and Roco stuck close to her, caught between the two cats who she seemed to fear the most.
Aspenpaw sat up to greet them with a nod, returned by Deya.
He hadn't forgotten what he meant to tell her, and beckoned with his tail over to the overhang so they could talk.
Deya left her small burden with Roco and joined Aspenpaw in the shadow, "Hey," She greeted him again,
"Hey. A tom came up to me today while I was out hunting," He whispered, and at the mention of a tom, Deya moved closer in, "He asked me if I knew where Jean was recruiting warriors,"
The word slipped out of him and he hoped Deya wouldn't notice, if she even knew of such a thing as clan warriors,
"As in, 'round here?" Deya looked concerned as she asked, and Aspenpaw nodded, knowing now that they were the trouble that he had suspected.
Deya's face looked stunned, and she looked past him in thought for a moment,
"We've gotta wait for them to get back," She said breathlessly, as if not knowing herself what to do now.
Aspenpaw began to hold out hope that Aranyer and Ledivier would be able to contact other communes, and at that, that they would be willing to help in some way,
"They'll bring help," He asserted, however unsure of it as he was,
"They better," Deya spun around and looked over at Roco and Rese, "Let's not say nothin' 'til they do,"
"Yeah," Aspenpaw agreed, his fur beginning to rise with a creeping dread.
He wasn't ready for another battle.
He had known none of the cats who had perished in the previous battle, and he couldn't imagine what the deaths of Deya, Roco, or even Aranyer would do to him.
And then there was the thought of his own death, this juxtaposingly just and petrifying thought.
He knew he deserved to die far more than any of the cats here, but he couldn't deal with the possible reality of such a thing truly happening.
He made the conscious decision that it would be him who fought first in any battle soon to come, though he knew that when put in the moment, he wouldn't follow through,
"Are you gonna be okay?" He asked Deya, removing the thoughts from his mind.
She was clumsy on her paws, faintly swaying as she contemplated his news.
Aspenpaw projected as he asked, fearful of spending the night alone,
"I'm fine," Deya spoke evenly, and it made Aspenpaw flinch.
There was a bitterness in her voice, maybe unintentional, but detectable, which silenced Aspenpaw instantly,
"Bye," She said, short and sharp, and Aspenpaw didn't reply as she wandered off again, moving back the glances of Rese and Roco, and back into the wild city forest.
Until I write again,
-Gojira