Chapter 5: The Soul of Saito Hikari

Saito Hikari heard the song of the birds. Saito Hikari felt the breeze of the morning air. Saito Hikari could think. Saito Hikari understood. He had survived another night. The HBD attack, the pain, the prayer, Netto drooling in his sleep-all were just a bad dream fueled by the dread of impending death. Saito had not had such a good sleep in a while. There was clarity in thoughts. The body was so light. Did his heart turn a new leaf overnight? Did his edema disappear? Saito opened his eyes. The location was not the hospital, nor was he lying on the bed. It was not inside, even. The sky, surreally clear and deep, like sapphire and turquoise, filled the vision. Saito rapidly raised his torso. He was on a wooden bench, still in his patient wear. The day was bright, but the sun was nowhere to be seen. The light did not oppress his skin as he remembered it to be. It was rather soft and soothing like a blanket filled with duck feathers on a winter night. The shadows were absent; it was as if the lighting was universal, coming from all directions.

'Netto kun, Netto kun, where are you?'

Saito looked around to get his bearings. He had to find Netto; he was right next to him in the bed. If Saito was transported to such a strange place, then what could have befallen on his brother? It did not take a meticulous scrutiny to identify the current location as some train station platform-an old-fashioned one with white tiles used as a floor, situated on the outside amongst nature. The station was in the middle of a mountain slope. To one side were the ridges and peaks of tall geological formations which stood like a curtain. To the opposite side was a breathtaking panorama of a wide valley, with a river flowing in the middle, watering the field to the either side of it. The water, even from a distance, was as clear as a carved diamond. The omnipresent light diffracted in the water created the most mesmerizing sparkles. To the left and right of the station were the train tracks, installed along the slope as far as Saito could see. It was unclear where the entrance of the station was. There were no directional signs anywhere.

Was he alone? Saito rose from the bench he was sitting. A gentle, cool breeze swept the station. Under the loose patient wear Saito was wearing nothing; consequently, the breeze reminded him of his own nakedness. The positive side of this involuntary self-awareness was that Saito also noticed all of the inconvenient medical installations were also gone: the urinary catheter, central IV, nasal cannula, and the regular IV line on the dorsum of the left hand that was made before the central IV but was never removed. The pitting edema of the legs was also gone. In this condition, Saito might be able to run: an unbelievable idea.

Along the length of the station were at least a dozen more wooden benches, each long enough for a man to lie down. Saito noticed three people. One was a little girl, also wearing patient wear, sitting on a bench not so far away. One was an old woman clad in cream-colored Sunday best and a same cream-colored hat with a wide brim, standing at the far end of the station. Last was an old man in a formal black and white suit, standing next to the old woman. Saito approached the little girl. Up close, he noticed that she was even smaller than him, perhaps younger. The patient wear she was wearing was not from the same hospital. She was looking at the picturesque scene of the valley, not noticing his proximity. It was perfectly understandable; had it not been for the need to find Netto, Saito, too, would've been consumed by the view.

"Hello there"

The little girl did not respond. She was ignoring him.

"Er, um, have you, by chance, seen another boy around here? He has brown hair, wears a blue bandana, and likes to rollerskate..."

The girl turned her head and their eyes met. He could not see any emotion on her face. Contrary to her vacant expression, her voice had a hint of curiosity.

"What's he called?"
"Netto. Netto Hikari. Have you seen him?"
"No."

Saito was a bit disappointed but not surprised. Perhaps he would have better results if he asked the old couple at the end of the station. When Saito tried to leave, the little girl held on to his sleeve and prevented him. Their eyes met again.

"Why are you looking for him?"

What a curious girl. Saito did not have time for this. He should excuse himself and move on to find Netto. Yet he could not resist answering the question as it somehow rang directly at his soul. He was compelled to answer.

"Because he is my brother, and he was right next to me. He is someone precious to me. Now I can't find him."
"Why is he precious to you?"
"Because he is my heaven."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because I will sell my everything for him."
"Why would you do that?
"Because he already sold his everything for me. I was his entire life, and so he is my entire life."
"How do you know you were his entire life?"
"He sacrificed all his time and desires in order to look after me."
"Why did he look after you?"
"Because I was sick."
"But aren't you healthy now?"

Strangely, Saito knew this was true. He was no longer sick.

"Yes, I am healthy now."
"Then do you still need him to take care of you?"
"No."
"So, why are you looking for him?"

A full circle of questions. Saito still could not stop answering.

"Because he is my brother, and he was right next to me."
"When was he right next to you?"
"When I was in the hospital"
"But aren't you here now?"
"Right, but what is this place?"
"Does this place look like a hospital?"
"...No."
"Then why are you looking for him?"

Another circle of questions. Why did the conversation feel new, even though he kept coming back to the same place?

"Because he is my brother."
"So?"
"Brothers should stay close together."
"Physically, always?"
"No, but as in trusting each other."
"Don't you already trust your brother?"
"Yes, I do."
"Do you need to meet him to reconcile?"
"No, we did not fight. We never fought."
"Then why are you looking for him?"
"Because-"

Saito's mind hovered around the void trying to find the answer. What was full before, was now empty. Why was he looking for Netto Hikari? His brother would be fine, with or without him. Saito came to a conclusion: 'all will be fine.' The girl made a faint smile towards Saito.

"Here, we wait."

The girl turned her head towards the river. Saito perceived she would not speak with him anymore. The conversation made Saito lighter, freer, and cleaner. What a refreshment!

Saito moved on and approached the old couple at the end of the platform. it was an aimless wandering. Before speaking with the girl, he had a plan to ask them the whereabouts of someone. He had a need to find someone. He was in a hurry, even. That goal became trivial. Then why was he approaching them? Perhaps he simply wished to say hello to the new faces, motivated by curiosity. The old lady was the first to notice his coming. She elegantly covered her mouth and commented in a voice full of sympathy:

"Oh my, a poor poor lad, at such a young age..."
"My dear, we both know that both the early death before knowing good from evil, and living to old age are blessings alike. Everything in between-a curse. He looks only 10 or 11. He did not have it that bad."

The gentleman added nonchalantly. He was a tall man, easily approximated to be between 6.2'~6.5' (190~200cm) in height, with a lush black beard and mustache, oiled and well combed. His eyes shined like the carapace of black beetles under the summer sun, piercing into Saito.

"Oh, don't say it like that darling, you are scaring the boy. He is here; he clearly did not sin in his life. Come here lad."

Woman admonished the man and gestured Saito to come closer. There was something pulling him in like opposite poles of a magnet. The woman hugged him. The warm embrace reminded him of his mother, Haruka. She used to...well it did not matter anymore. She would be fine without him as well.

"You are right, my dear. You were always right. Who am I to weigh and judge his tragedy? Don't worry about anything, boy, for the scourge of the world is behind you."

The gentleman put his hand on Saito's head. The weight of his hand gave gravitas to his claim. Saito never had grandparents in his life. Had they existed, would their love be like this also? This place was certainly very nice. Saito would not mind staying here forever. Would they also be around forever? Saito remembered he was still yet to make a proper greeting. His voice came out muffled by the dress of the old lady, as he was still being held.

"My name is Saito Hikari. Who are you?"

She clicked her tongue in a pity.

"Tsk tsk tsk...Nice to meet you; what a wonderfully polite lad you are. I used to be called by the name Elizabeth. It is irrelevant now. You can just call me Granny."
"And me Gramps. That will suffice."
"Hello Granny, hello Gramps"

Granny patted his back lightly while Gramps stroked his head. Saito did not dislike it. Saito decided to ask a question that was long overdue.

"What is this place?"

Gramps answered without hesitation.

"Here we wait for the train. I can already sense it coming. Don't you also feel it?"
"The train to where?"
"To the eternal rest."
"What is eternal rest?"

Granny intervened. There was a clear impatience in her tone.

"Darling, must you always be so curt? You are only confusing the poor boy! Now, now, the eternal rest means that there will be no more pain, no hunger, no thirst, no sorrow, and no marriage."
"...that sounds nice."
"Dear, I don't surmise the boy will understand why the absence of marriage is part of the rest-"
"Shush, darling. Are you insinuating that our marriage was a failure?"
"No, of course not, far be it from me! Boy, just know that marriage is simply a metaphor for what is to come, and therefore the abolishment of both the concept and capacity of marriage is a requirement to-"
"Darling...this boy will never learn about marriage anyways. Don't tire yourself out. Besides, you are starting to sound like a philosophy textbook, as dense as the work of Aristotle. Your verbiage tangled with the boy's age is making any possibility of understanding hopeless."
"..."

Gramps scratched the back of his head in admission. From a distance, a sound of a horn could be heard. Granny exclaimed with joy.

"Oh, look, our train is coming!"

Granny let go of the boy. Saito turned and saw the roaring object. At the foremost was a black, shining steam engine, pumping out a stream of white cloud above it. The smoke rose to the spotless sky and left a white trail, just like how children depict them in their innocent pictures. The ground trembled beneath it, hinting at the power hidden under the black engine casing. The rhythmic sound of the engine pistons synchronized with the movement of the wheels. Behind the engine were green passenger cars decorated almost excessively with gold and silver patterns of vines, fruits, and animals. The roof was painted black just like the engine. The train slowed down until it came to a complete halt next to the platform. The high pitched screeching sound emanating from the breaking mechanism filled the air. Saito never rode such an old-fashioned locomotive before.

The old couple boarded the train without hesitation. They signaled Saito to come along by extending their hands. Saito hesitated for a few seconds, for there was an inexplicable knowledge within him that told him he did not belong there. He followed nevertheless, not knowing how to decline the invitation while remaining polite, or this was how Saito convinced himself, for the truth was that he simply did not want to be alone on the platform with nothing else to do. However, once aboard, the original intentions were quickly forgotten by what he witnessed. The inside of the train was a pinnacle of luxury. From the ceiling to the floor, the cabin was lined with red velvet. At each window was a pair of dark green curtains spun out of the finest of silk. The cabin had sofas covered with blue fabrics patterned with golden and crimson threads, tables of mahogany and rosewood, a gramophone of finest condition, a collection of phonograph records, light stands of brass and silver, and a board of chess made from marbles. The knight pieces were carved so elegantly, without any compromise to the details, that the horses seemed ready to spring into life. Saito was speechless at the royal accommodation. The old couple, unintimidated, took him by the hand, and they all found a seat around a table. They were the only ones in this car. The curiosity of Saito burst:

"Why are there so many passenger cars and so many seats, when there were so few people on the station?"

Indeed, the interior suggested that the train was ready to service many more passengers. Strangely, the platform was nigh void save four souls. Perhaps people were just arriving late?

"That is because there is a place for everyone in the eternal rest. The train was prepared with the expectation of carrying many, so that there might be a great merrymaking and befriending on the way. Regretfully..."

Gramps spoke solemnly. He stroked his beard as he reorganized his thoughts before continuing.

"...the ordinary men are sufficiently evil. They all covet, steal, false-witness, use unfair scale, do not befriend the lonely, drive away the poor, envy the rich, ignore the hungry, have no love for their neighbors, revel in bloodshed, cowardly in crisis, commit adultery, lie without limit, quick to wrath, slow to forgive. They all play the role of a perfect God in their microcosm, not the role of an imperfect human. There is no love, only self-proclaimed righteousness and resultant indignation. So they are all lost in the end, never to enter the eternal rest."

He looked into Saito's eyes, and then added as if he read the mind of the boy.

"So it is, us four on the platform, no more souls to board the train. This is the yield of the harvest. 8 billion seeds planted, one death every eleven seconds, only four grains in this season so far. Of course, as time goes, more will come and they will take the next train, but do not expect a dramatic increase."

A wonderfully pessimistic viewpoint, yet Saito could not refute it. He saw Mayl clandestinely manipulating the situation to make approaches to Netto. He saw Dekao lying away his responsibilities. He saw Yaito using the unfair scale of double standard when evaluating the works of the Ayanokoji family, always painting a dichromatic world in which her family was unquestionably good, while the opponents were unforgivably evil. He saw Ms. Mari turning green with envy when faced with the financial success of her colleagues. Saito nodded in agreement.

"Good! Very good! See my dear? The boy understands!"

Gramps clapped his hand once in joy.

"Darling, why do you not speak about forgiveness and repentance?"

To every crime and punishment, there are corresponding forgiveness and repentance. By pointing this out, Granny insinuated that the discussion was overtly biased to one side. Gramps formed wrinkles on his forehead. He clearly did not like the new direction of the conversation.

"Well, in theory...those are possible...in practice?"
"Ugh, unbelievable! Darling, don't you remember our neighbor, that absolute monster of a criminal? You saved him and he changed for good afterward! He turned away from his old ways..."
"Of course, I remember. I simply do not believe his repentance was genuine. A man hardly changes. The heat and pressure to change a man are astronomical in magnitude-even the worst drill sergeants with the loudest barkings can't do that. Even the most diabolical of jail guards cannot truly tame the monsters within. It seems a man is only malleable in his youth."
"Oh! You and your suspicions!"

Granny sounded exasperated by the stubbornness of her husband.

"Dear, a man can change with love. This I admit. A man changes when he loves someone, not when he receives love from someone, however large it might be. I know, for this is how I changed."

The hint of annoyance that was present in Granny's voice disappeared.

"Oh, darling, your sweet tongue is incorrigible."

The old couple gazed at each other. In their eyes were the affections of indescribable depth. Saito could not help but wonder.

"What is love? Why did you two get married?"

Both turned toward him. Saito could tell from their demeanor that they liked this topic. Granny spoke first:

"A girl knows she has found her man when she can follow him to the end of the world."
"A man knows he has found his girl when he can lead her to the end of the world."

They clearly had this question before and their answer rehearsed.

"To the end of the world?"
"Darling, stop, I'll answer this. Good. Yes, wee lad, to the end of the world. Even through the valley of shadows, where the world throws everything against you to break you. Marriage is faith. People often let their lust cloud their judgment."
"Lust?"
"You were too young to experience it, I see. Perhaps it was for the best. See, when people grow up, they hit a stage called puberty, in which they gain height exponentially and-"
"Dear, no need to tell him in a roundabout way. He is smart. Boy, lust means when you want to see someone naked, and be naked yourself as well."

An awkward silence followed. Gramps cleared his throat to change the air. He continued. There was a slight enthusiasm in his voice.

"Now, to the second question. What is love, you ask? You can take it to ten different people and you will get ten different answers. I'll give you our version."

Gramps reclined on the sofa and crossed his legs. He clasped his hands and rested them on his sternum. His eyes were fixed on a nonexistent point above and far behind Saito. His black eyes appeared almost dreamy.

"Be it the love of parents, be it the love of friends, be it the love of the beloved...they are all one and the same."
"Why?"
"Because ultimately love is about killing yourself."
"As in sacrifice?"
"Physically, personally, metaphorically...Consider this: there is no greater love than to die for one's friends. Then, how much more so it will be if you die for your loved one? Physical death is the greatest manifestation of this mysterious truth. However, the flesh is not the only adversary you must slay in the pursuit of love. Kill your desire, kill your hubris, kill the false god inside you that convinces you of self-righteousness, kill your instinct for pursuing comfort. Once yourself is slain, then there is room for the one you love. Your breath, your thoughts, your hopes, your sufferings-you will find yourself enduring all these for the sake of your love."

Enduring self! Saito was familiar with this concept, for he could not count how many times he agonized over his state of being a burden to his brother. He endured his own existence for the sake of Netto, for it was what his twin wanted.

"But parents don't marry their children. How can those forms of love be one and the same?"
"Ah, a natural question."

A little pause.

"Ancient Greeks, too, noticed the differences existing between the form of love depending on the relationship, and categorized them into three: agape, for the ultimate, limitless sacrifice; philia, for the life-giving camaraderie; eros, for the burning passion of the flesh. Long ago I came to the conclusion that the only difference between them is the ratio of love to lust. This is to say, the human emotion of attraction exists in a spectrum of a linear mixture of love and lust. A simple example would be an alcoholic solution: theoretically it exists in the spectrum of 0% to 100% in concentration. The problem of azeotropy-the state at which the vapor has the same composition as the liquid-which arises at 97% concentration, we shall ignore as it is an engineering one. We can try to divide the alcohols into three categories-weak, medium, strong-based on an arbitrary standard, but we can always make a solution that is exactly at the boundary of division. Therefore, by the exactly same mechanism as this analogy, any effort to categorically divide love invariably fails, for there always will be a specimen that is perfectly in between any two categories.
Still confused? Let us put it this way: agape, by definition, is 100% love and 0% lust. It is Godly love. Although Greeks defined it as a parental love, given the series of surveys conducted in 1986, 2000, 2002, 2005, and 2010 all indicating that 1 out of 5~6 girls and 1 out of 20 boys, roughly speaking, experience child sexual abuse, it seems even the parental love is sometimes impure. Philia is a brotherly love, often formed between men exposed to immense life threatening pressure such that they learn to completely trust each other. It is not difficult to find examples of soldiers diving into certain deaths just to save their friends. However, in practice, the composition of philia in terms of love and lust seems to be even more plastic than in the case of eros. Ancient Thebes was famous for fielding a band of warriors, 300men strong, formed exclusively from homosexual lovers. The unit remained invincible for about 40 years until all of them perished in the battle of Chaeronea in 338 B.C. It is an extreme example, of course, but proves that philia is a concept that can exist in a wide spectrum, where in one case the content of lust can be so small as to be inconsequential, whereas in another the lust can account for most of it. Now, in case of eros, it is by definition almost completely made out of lust. It is always selfish, seeking to fulfill one's wishes with complete disregard for others' needs. It is the driving force of many vices, including rape and murder."
"Is lust bad, then? Granny said lust clouds judgments"
"Not necessarily, for lust can be a glue that holds together a marriage, but it must not be the goal, nor should it be at the foremost. In the end, love must vanquish the lust. Notwithstanding this, any relationship cannot last. There is no faith in lust. Love is selfless; lust is selfish. Lust will not save your relationship when the world tries to swallow you whole."

Gramps uncrossed his legs having finished expounding his thoughts. He leaned forward and his eyes focused on Saito.

"I hope that has satisfied your curiosity. So, pray tell me, what is your story, little one?"
"Oh, I am most interested as well. Would you please kindly tell us about your life, lad?"
"I..."

Saito could not figure out where to begin. His life was short and uninteresting save for the unlimited caretaking he received from Netto. The world already crushed him from the beginning, and he was born defective. Had he been born in a poverty stricken, perpetually oppressed household plagued by an alcoholic father, and then if he was abused, then learned forgiveness, perhaps by then his life would have been interesting with a lesson to tell to others. Fortunately, he was born into a household not lacking in finances, had a brother who kept him closer than Jonathan did David, went to a prestigious school, had classmates who were not against him (rather kind, really)...Saito finally realized how many blessings of life he had enjoyed which previously went unnoticed due to his preoccupation with HBD. Saito buried his face in his palms from shame. Oh, how he lived like a princess in a castle!

"You must have much to tell, to palm your face like that. Do not worry, there is plenty of time, and we can wait. Or shall we say more about our lives so that you can have time to collect yourself?"
"Darling, how about we tell him how we met? It's my favorite story to tell. You were so dashing-"

The conversation was suddenly interrupted by the sound of a door sliding. A train attendant in a black uniform entered the cabin. A man appearing to be in his early thirties, the prime of life, came straight to them with a disciplined gait. Taking his hat off, he made a polite gentlemanly bow, then, with his hands on his back, spoke with a soft, baritone voice:

"Gentlemen, lady, may I check your tickets please?"

The old couple produced white train tickets from their pockets. Saito could not remember getting one. Panic set in, and he made a teary face that would stop anyone in his tracks out of compassion. Granny whispered to him.

"Lad, check your front pocket. Yes, there. The ticket should be in there."

Saito frantically searched for the ticket on his body, including the front pocket. Still, the ticket was nowhere to be found. Looking at the train attendant was all he could do. Was he in trouble? He had no money on him to purchase one on the spot either. While Saito waited for the inevitable verdict, there was no sign of annoyance or surprise on the face of the attendant. He gently extended his hand to Saito.

"Little sir, it seems you have left behind something important, and are not ready to go. Do not fret, for it happens predictably to souls full of love and kindness. Please, let me escort you outside. I will tell you everything you need to know."

"Well, boy, I am sure we will meet again. Go follow the man and collect what you have forgotten. Next time we meet, tell us all about your love over a drink or two, will you?"
"Goodbye, sweet lad. It was nice speaking with you."

Saito had always been a good child, never having broken a law. The anxiety and fright Saito just had from not having a ticket on him were such that now he became mute, for doing so would make the tears flow out in a stream. Saito nodded to the old couple, took the attendant's hand, and exited the cabin. When he looked back midway, he saw the old couple waving their hands.

.

.

Saito was back on the wooden bench, back to where he started. The difference was that now there was no one on the platform, and the train had left without him. Saito watched the river, flowing through the valley. The peace of the flowing water was contagious. It washed away many impurities he had in his heart, making him lighter, emptier. All his worries flowed away with the river, and then, to the unreachable depths of the ocean, to be forever lost.

The train attendant, after leading him back here, was kind enough to give him an instruction. According to him, Saito had a choice: the first was to immerse himself into oblivion, shed all connections with the world, and board the next train. Watching the river was said to help this process. Once he broke free from the yoke of regret and remorse, then he would find himself with a train ticket. Saito inferred that this was exactly what the little girl was doing, and the process explained why her expression was so vacant. The second was to take the elevator behind him to recollect what he had left behind (Saito could swear by everything holy that the elevator was not there when he first woke up), and therefore become free from the longing inside him. No one so far had exercised this option, as to anyone who arrived here it became perfectly clear that going back to the world was not a worthwhile spending of time, even if it was temporary. Saito was no different; he chose to stay here. He still recalled the name Netto and the face associated with it, his heart ached with the thought, but his mind remained calm and unaffected. Saito knew that Netto would be fine, would learn to move on, would...

'Will he?'

Ah, no matter. Once the heart stopped aching even with the thought of Netto, then he would be ready. Where the next train would take him, that was the place he needed to go.

.

.

.

-Saito niisan, why did you leave me?

Saito jolted. It was the voice of Netto. As far as Saito was concerned it was an auditory hallucination, but he could swear that it sounded as if spoken adjacent to him. He was brought down from the mindless nirvana. How much time had passed? Weeks? Months? He started to feel as if someone was squeezing every drop of blood out of his heart. This was the exact opposite of what Saito had been trying to achieve. Why was he experiencing the longing after all this time, after all that he had forgotten? Saito checked his front pocket and found a ticket.

'Netto kun, we both knew the time would come. You have to be strong.'

Saito responded to the turbulence in his heart in case the voice was truly from his brother left behind. If by the slimmest chance the answer could reach him, then Saito had to do it.

-Saito niisan, we can't live without you.

'Yes, you can. Have faith. I was only a chain of slavery to you. Now you are emancipated.'

The rumbling of the incoming train again shook the platform. Saito looked around and found approximately a dozen souls on the platform. What a crowd compared to the last time.

-I can't live without you.

'Fly, Netto kun, over the mountains, away from me. The fat of the land is before you for the taking.'

The train arrived.

-If I search high, will I find you?

'Do not worry, Netto kun, for all that is lost will be restored.'

People started to board the train. Saito rose from the bench.

-If I search low, will I find you?

'No, Netto kun...'

Now Saito was the only one remaining on the platform. A train attendant came out of a passenger car and waved at Saito. It was the same person who escorted him out last time.

- If I wither and waste in tears, will I meet you?

'Netto kun, I...'

Saito waved his hand back at the train attendant. It was nice to see a familiar friendly face.

-So

Netto's sobbing, almost strangled, voice reverberated inside him. Saito gave his ticket to the attendant.

-Please don't leave me.

Saito took the elevator.