Chapter 3 - Life At The Temple

Author's Note: Things are changing. ;)

~ Amina Gila

Everything at the Temple is strange. Anakin's too old to go to any of the usual classes, which means Obi-Wan has to teach him everything on his own. Something that his master doesn't often seem very happy about, with how cold he always is.

Unless that's just what he's like. He's distant in a way Qui-Gon never was, and it's... hard. Especially when he misses Mom and Jacen constantly, and all he keeps hearing is how he needs to "let go", and he has no idea what that means.

It's also strange to have so much food. He keeps expecting that he'll be deprived of it if he doesn't do well enough, but that never happens. That, at least, is one thing Obi-Wan is... nice about.

Anakin still finds himself asking Jacen a couple times if he's being fed enough, though, just to make sure. On Tatooine, Anakin and his mother would often save whatever little food they had to give Jacen, if there wasn't enough.

But he doesn't have to do that anymore, and it's strange. His mother is still dealing with that, though, back on Tatooine. Is she alright? What's happening to her? Is she spending every moment of the day missing them the way Anakin is her? When will he even see her again? Jacen keeps asking, as though Anakin somehow has the answer.

It's some days later that Obi-Wan takes Anakin to see Qui-Gon again. He's still unconscious, and Anakin's heart clenches painfully and fearfully seeing him like this again.

Obi-Wan's face is mostly expressionless as he hovers next to the bed, but it's obvious he's worried.

The door hisses open suddenly, and Dooku walks in, approaching the bedside.

"Dooku?" Obi-Wan greets, obviously surprised.

"You're Obi-Wan, aren't you?" Dooku asks, gaze skirting to Anakin for a moment.

"Yes, Master," he replies, "I did not expect to see you here."

"I was passing through," Dooku responds, "Qui-Gon has spoken much of you. I was hoping to meet you someday, though not under these... circumstances." They've never met before? That's... not what Anakin expected for some reason, seeing that Dooku raised Qui-Gon who raised Obi-Wan. The Jedi aren't... close, though, and Anakin can't understand how they can live like that.

He already... cares for Obi-Wan, or at least he's grateful to him, because he's... a good master. Better than any Anakin has ever known.

"They say he will recover in time," Obi-Wan replies, grimly.

Dooku nods, expression troubled. Anakin doesn't know why he momentarily can't shake the feeling there's something more bothering him than just this. It's an instinct, like he's often had over the years. "I see you've taken Anakin as a padawan," he says finally.

"I have."

"How are you settling at the Temple?" Dooku asks, and Anakin starts at being addressed directly so suddenly.

"It's... fine, Master." He can't say how hard it truly is, can he? And he doesn't know what to think of how Dooku is asking. No one really asks him that. No one really seems to want to talk to him.

"I know it cannot be... easy," Dooku presses.

Anakin glances between him and Obi-Wan, uncertainly. It's so hard but he doesn't know how to begin to say that. And it'll make it sound like he's failing as a Jedi, and he's not. He can't.

"He's adjusting," Obi-Wan replies, almost shortly.

Dooku doesn't seem... very convinced by the comment, but it's hard to tell. Anakin can't read his expression very well, if at all. "I'm impressed Qui-Gon convinced the Council to agree to this," he says, dryly.

"They did so reluctantly," Obi-Wan answers stiffly, "It was Qui-Gon's last wish for me to do it." And that's the only reason he is. It still hurts, but he keeps it to himself. Obi-Wan doesn't want him. He probably never will.

"May I speak with you in private?" Dooku asks.

Obi-Wan looks... slightly surprised at the question. "Yes. We were just leaving."

They leave Qui-Gon's room, and Obi-Wan shoos him off, to go continue his studying. He still has so much to catch up on, and it's hard when he doesn't even know how to read Basic properly. It's even stranger to have to do things like this instead of working. It's hard having to be still so much. He tries to ignore the nearly unbearable pang of longing that floods him as he heads back for his room – he just wants to see his mother again. Or maybe Jacen. He even misses Padme right now. And Qui-Gon. Maybe he can go see Jacen if he finishes his work soon enough.

**w**

"What?" Obi-Wan asks, once he and Dooku are somewhere a little more private to talk. He's never met him before, though Qui-Gon often spoke of him. He never expected to meet him right here, though it's unsurprising. Of course, Dooku would be worried about his former padawan enough to come here.

Obi-Wan still feels almost numb over what happened. Qui-Gon nearly died, and he still could, even if it's unlikely. And it's hard having to train Anakin when he's dealing with this. Especially given the last... interactions he had with Qui-Gon before the battle. The boy is more challenging than a normal padawan, too. He has to learn everything from scratch and it's... challenging to teach him. Sometimes, Obi-Wan doesn't really feel like he has the patience to do it. Qui-Gon would have done better, and that sends a pang of bitterness through him.

He will fulfill his master's last request, but...

"I can see your having difficulties with him," Dooku begins, "I imagine you were not... prepared for this responsibility yet."

It's true, he supposes. He wouldn't have thought about taking a padawan yet, even if plenty of Knights have done it younger. "He doesn't fit here," Obi-Wan replies bluntly, "He's too old, and I question his ability to properly learn the Jedi way of life."

"He will never be like the others. It is... impossible," Dooku tells him, "I know you met Rael, my first padawan. He was five when he came, and he never fit in either. Anakin is even older."

"Then how do I train him as a Jedi?" Obi-Wan asks. He doesn't like admitting that he can't do something, but some advice would be... appreciated, right now.

"You need to let him be different. Explain to him the Jedi way and guide him to it but let him find his own path. At this age, his past is too integral for him to let go. It will always shape him in a way it does not for any normal Jedi. Most of all, he will need your support."

"Support?" Obi-Wan repeats. He has no idea what that's supposed to mean, or how that would help anything.

"Yes. I noticed the... tension between you, and that will only make this situation harder to handle." Obi-Wan supposes he knows what he's saying, though it would help if he actually believed Anakin belonged here in the first place. "If no one else believes he belongs here, and perhaps he does not, but that is beside the point, at least he must think you do. He needs... encouragement."

This needs to work somehow, so he'll think about what Dooku's saying. "At times, teaching him is... complicated. His past affects him in ways I do not understand." He was a slave, and... there's little things about him like how skittish he sometimes seems that Obi-Wan thinks are related to that. (He even has a brand, the healers had said.) And he doesn't really know how to deal with it, or if he even needs to at all. Dooku is probably right that he does, though. Somehow.

"As I said, you cannot ignore it or expect him to do so either. I have only briefly met Anakin, but if you need advice in the future, Rael may be able to assist you," Dooku adds, and they leave it at that. Obi-Wan can't imagine ever going to Rael for advice – he was by far the strangest Jedi he ever met – but it may actually help. Maybe. So long as Anakin doesn't turn out just like him.

**w**

Strangely enough, Dooku comes by later to talk to Anakin. Something about him seems off again, though Anakin doesn't know what. There's something... else wrong, though it's hardly his place to ask.

"How is your training?" he asks, casually. Anakin still doesn't understand why he... cares, but he's a Jedi. And he's the one who trained Qui-Gon.

"Master Obi-Wan says I'm far behind, so he has to teach me everything himself," Anakin replies, shifting.

"You wanted to become a Jedi?" Dooku asks.

Anakin nods resolutely. "Yes. I always dreamed of being one." Even if they really aren't like what he thought.

"How did Qui-Gon find you?"

"He was on Tatooine, searching for parts to repair his ship. I won a pod race for him, and he won me in a bet from Watto," Anakin explains.

He catches the slight shift in Dooku's expression, though it's... hard to read what he's thinking. "You raced a pod?" he asks.

"I'm the only human who's ever been able to do it," he says.

"Because of your strength in the Force," Dooku agrees, "It is... impressive."

It's the first word of praise he's heard since coming here, and he can't help the warmth that spreads through him at the words.

"Did you have family on Tatooine?"

"My mother is there. My brother came with me." It hurts, even thinking about her again. He misses her so much he can hardly stand it – especially with how long it will be that he won't see her again. He has no idea what will happen to her when they're apart, and she has always just... been there. He's never talked about his past this much to anyone before. "Master Obi-Wan says I... need to let go of them, to focus on my training."

"Most Jedi do not know their families," Dooku tells him. Oh. Is that why they said he was too old to train? Is that why no one wants him? Every student he runs into seems to think he's some freak who doesn't belong here. He's glad most of his classes are with Obi-Wan, because he doesn't want to be around anyone else here. "You were older, and having these attachments is... natural."

What? "Then why does everyone say I... can't?" He's so confused.

"You must learn to control them, so it does not interfere with your duty. That does not mean you cannot... care for them anymore."

"But," Anakin objects, confused, "I thought that's what they've been telling me?"

"To them, it means the same," he replies, "But not to you. Not to people who haven't been raised a Jedi from birth."

"I don't understand," Anakin says, frustrated.

"Caring for them is not wrong. Missing them is natural. You simply must learn to put the good of many over that of the few. You will understand in time," Dooku replies, "But right now, I imagine you are not having an easy time fitting in. They all see you as... too different."

The words hit home hard, and Anakin looks down. It's – nothing here is like he thought it would be. "They... do," he admits. He's never had a problem being friends with people before, but here, the polar opposite is true. It's leaving him feeling both lonely and empty.

"Whether you want to try fitting in or continue carrying on and becoming the Jedi you want to be is your choice."

"I think... I understand," Anakin offers. He's not sure, but he can... try. Maybe.

**w**

Using the Force is hard, and Jacen can't understand why. He's trying to meditate like everyone else but finding this "calm" the masters keep telling him doesn't seem nearly as easy.

He's just upset that everyone seems to be ahead of him already, and a few of the students have already figured out how to move things with the Force, but he can't. All he can remember is – is hearing that doing this is bad. And he knows it's not true here, but it's still hard.

He knew he could feel things before, but he didn't realize that that's what the Force was. And he doesn't understand why he can't connect with it like the masters say. They're probably going to be mad at him, and bad things happen when masters get mad.

He opens his eyes when he feels Ahsoka nudge him. "Why are you grumpy?" she

"This doesn't work," Jacen whines.

"Yes, it does. Just think."

"They said not to think!" he protests.

"Think about not thinking."

"That doesn't help. I'm trying."

"There is no try," Ahsoka whispers back, "Mastah Yoda says that."

"Who's that?" Jacen objects.

"He's small like us and green and talks funny," Ahsoka replies.

Fine. "I'll do it," Jacen decides, closing his eyes again and trying to do what the others are. He feels as though he's floating through space, letting the strong winds of Tatooine whip around him, and then, all he can remember is the wind howling and biting his skin as Mom hastily took him and Anakin back inside. And he wants to –

No, don't think. But suddenly, he's bursting to ask Ahsoka a very important question.

"How does he talk funny?" Jacen asks, opening his eyes again.

Ahsoka makes a face, probably at being disturbed. "Your eyes, close them," she croaks, in a very strange tone that's not quite high pitched.

Jacen bursts into giggles – he can't help it, and then, so does Ahsoka, and then,so do the other students near them, and that's bad because now they're definitely going an upset the masters.

"Shh," Jacen hisses loudly, glancing nervously around the room.

The laughter still hasn't quieted when one of the masters suddenly appears in the doorway again, and he quickly closes his eyes, pretending to be busy. Or the opposite of busy. Whatever. He just wishes this would work.

That evening he finally gets to see Anakin again. They don't get to see each other every day, and Jacen still isn't happy about that – although for some reason, the masters seem unhappy even about that. And he doesn't understand why. What do they mean he can't love his brother?!

"I saw Qui-Gon again," Anakin tells him, when they settle on a bench in the main part of the youngling halls where he stays.

"Is he okay?" Jacen asks, hopefully.

"He's getting better. He still looks the same right now," Anakin replies.

It's still scary to think that he was hurt. He has to be okay. Jacen can't imagine how he couldn't be, though. Not when he's a Jedi.

"How are your classes?" Anakin inquires.

"They good," Jacen says, "But I can't use the Force yet. It's hard."

Anakin stills. "You're having a problem connecting with it?"

Jacen nods, miserably. "I don't know how to do it."

"I'm having the same problem," Anakin admits, "Master Obi-Wan says it's because I'm old, and I suppressed it for so long.

"How do you make it stop?" Jacen asks.

"I don't know. My master said it might take time."

It already has been 'some time', but at least he knows it will get better. "I can take you to meet Ahsoka!" Jacen decides brightly, jumping to his feet. "She's my friend."

"Sure," Anakin agrees, taking Jacen's hand as he drags him through the halls to where Ahsoka is.

**w**

Anakin is glad that at least Jacen is learning to fit in here. At least they don't see him as an outcast if he already has friends so quickly. He would never want his little brother to go through anything like that.

Everyone keeps giving Anakin strange looks for being in the youngling quarters in the first place, but he ignores it, letting Jacen pull him through the halls.

Finding the small Togruta is easy enough, and he's quick to introduce them.

"Ahsoka, this is Ani!" Jacen announces proudly.

The Togruta looks up at him, curiously. "Hi! Jacen talks about you all the time."

"He's told me about you too," Anakin tells her. She's so... tiny. She's three. Of course, she's small, but he somehow didn't expect it. Finding time to be with his brother is so... hard, and everything here makes him feel lost. Too much is different, and he's still adjusting to the shift in surroundings. Not to mention he has no idea how to deal with not having to constantly fear. This is absolutely nothing like his former life, and the difference is hard.

He keeps catching himself, constantly afraid that Obi-Wan or someone will get angry and hurt him, but they don't, and it's so unsettling that he almost wishes they would.

Anakin sits down on the floor in front of them, and they immediately join him.

"You're from the big part of the Temple," Ahsoka observes, leaning closer to inspect his padawan braid.

"I'm a padawan," Anakin tells her.

"You don't have a lightsaber."

"Master Obi-Wan says I have to wait to get one until I'm ready."

"How do you be a padawan without one?" Ahsoka asks.

"I still have other things to learn. I haven't got on missions yet," Anakin tells her.

"Why is everything here waiting?" Jacen asks.

"Jedi have to be pa – pashen – good at waiting!" Ahsoka says wisely.

"Patient," Anakin repeats. Yes, he knows that. Obi-Wan keeps telling him that if he tries to go quickly, he'll only slow himself down. But he doesn't understand how or why he's supposed to intentionally do things slowly. That doesn't make any sense.

"Your mastah stopped the Sith!" Ahsoka comments, looking almost awed.

The return of the Sith is all anyone seems to talk about these days – except for the "strange Chosen One", so he's glad she brought that part up instead.

Jacen looks up at him, a sudden concerned look in his dark eyes, maybe realizing again how they still have masters, and Anakin has his own personal one now. "Is he nice?"

That's not what he would call Obi-Wan's cold attitude, but he feeds him and doesn't beat him, so... "Yes."

Jacen brightens a little at that. "They strange here."

Ahsoka gives him an odd look "What do you mean strange?" she asks.

"Where we came from, it was different," Anakin explains. What is strange is how this three-year-old is the first child he's had a civilized conversation with since coming here. He's glad that Jacen will have her around all the time. At least his brother can be at peace here, even if Anakin himself might not be.

**w**

Obi-Wan will admit to not having wanted to train Anakin at all when they first met. He hadn't had any inclination to be around him, period. Sensing a being so brilliant in the Force, so powerful yet untrained, was... unnerving. And it hadn't mattered, until Qui-Gon told him to do it, or rather, until Qui-Gon had volunteered to train Anakin himself in front of the Council, despite already having Obi-Wan as a padawan.

It's the second time it felt like his master was abandoning him. It happened before, when Obi-Wan was seventeen, right before the mission to Pijal where they met Rael. Their relationship, much like Obi-Wan's with Anakin, had started out with struggles.

Only now Obi-Wan is afraid he will never be able to resolve his issues with his master. No one knows when – or if – his master will reawaken.

Except over time, he'll admit that he's starting to feel... something towards Anakin. Something beyond that this boy is a means to an end. He... cares about him. He wants to protect him, even if he often has no idea how to go about it.

He tries to remember what Dooku said about training him, and if anyone would know, he should. Rael was the oldest Initiate before Anakin, after all, at five. And he always clung to his past outside the Order. It led to the death of his padawan, a tragedy everyone remembers – that was when the Council increased the strictness of the age rule.

Dooku is right that Anakin's past isn't something that can just be forgotten, but it has to be balanced with the Jedi way of life, too. Dooku wasn't wrong that Obi-Wan would need help dealing with it. He most certainly does, and he wishes Qui-Gon was here to tell him how to do it. He hasn't felt like he needed guidance in a very, very long time. It's only after nearly losing his master that he realized exactly how much he does.

If nothing else, though, at least Anakin is... a good student. He's made exceptional progress, given he came here not knowing how to read. And he's usually quite obedient. Most of the time.

They don't spend much time just alone with each other. Jedi don't do that. They simply don't have the time for it, and Obi-Wan grew up with that life, so it doesn't bother him, but sometimes, he... wonders what it would be like to spend time alone with Anakin, with nothing to worry about, to just... be.

So, he's more than a little caught off guard when he wakes up early in the morning to see Anakin curled up on the floor next to his bed.

"Anakin?" he asks, slightly confused.

He probably shouldn't have said anything, because his padawan startles instantly. He's a light sleeper. Anakin jolts awake, pushing himself up a bit too fast. "Sorry, Master. I –"

Some things seem to make him... panic, almost, and Obi-Wan can never figure out quite what or why. "It's fine," he assures, "But why are you... here?"

He looks almost abashed. "I – I didn't want to be alone."

That's... odd. Being alone is an intricate part of a Jedi's life, and Obi-Wan cannot imagine living any other way. Anakin does, though, which is yet another thing that Obi-Wan can never understand. "I'm not going anywhere," he replies, softly.

"Sometimes, I – I think when I wake up, you'll be gone like Mom and Qui-Gon," he mumbles.

Obi-Wan reaches down, squeezing his shoulder. "I won't," he promises.

Though he is totally caught off guard when Anakin suddenly hugs him. He freezes for a moment, uncertain how to react, before lightly laying a hand on his back. He hasn't been hugged since... He doesn't remember. Maybe some youngling back when he was little did it to him? It's not something Jedi do. It's a sign of attachment.

But he can't find it in himself to reject this, either.

Anakin is small, very small for his age, and it's only now that Obi-Wan realizes exactly how skinny he is, even if it's not quite as bad as it was when he first came. But somehow, he's so... warm. Almost impossibly so. He brushes it off as just another one of those strange Anakin things that his life centers on these days.

"Come," he says finally, carefully disentangling them and standing, "There is much to be done." He tries not to let himself think about how badly he wishes that moment never had to end.

**w**

Things seem a little easier with Obi-Wan now, though Anakin couldn't say when and how it changed. It just has, slowly.

He's seen Dooku a few more times, too. He... likes spending time around him, even if it's usually for very short periods of times. He's the only one of the masters – aside from Obi-Wan – that even makes any sense when he starts talking.

It's been several months since he first came to the Temple, and finally, for the first time, Obi-Wan takes him on a mission. It could have gone better, but his master doesn't seem upset by it.

He'll be going on missions more regularly now, which he's glad for, but it also means something else.

"I may not be able to come as often," Anakin tells Jacen.

"Why?" he protests, "You're hardly here!"

"I have missions now."

"I wanna come," Jacen insists. "Why don't you have a light sword yet?"

"It will still be a couple more years, but I'll bring it here as soon as I have one," he promises.

"But that will be forever."

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