Chapter 6 - Padawan

Author's Note: There's another time skip to this chapter. :)

~ Amina Gila

Jacen's been waiting for this moment for so long, he can hardly believe it's finally here. He's a padawan now. He's practically vibrating with excitement as he follows Qui-Gon out of the youngling's wing for the first time since he came here. It's been eight years since then. He's eleven now.

"It's time for your tour," Qui-Gon tells him, as they walk through the halls.

There's so much he wants to say, he doesn't even know where to start. "Where are we starting?" he asks eagerly.

"I'll show you the training areas and Archives first," he answers, sounding the faintest bit amused, "Then we will go to the living quarters."

Jacen perks up. "Where Anakin stays?"

"Yes."

"Where's my room gonna be? Will it be near yours or Ani's?"

"The rooms are assigned automatically, depending on where there is space. It is... quite far from both of us."

That's not fair. "Why?"

Qui-Gon pauses, looking down at him. "As a padawan, you are on your last step to becoming a Jedi Knight. A Jedi must be used to working alone, Jacen. You know no attachments of any kind are encouraged."

He knows that, but sometimes, he still can't understand it. Especially not with the secret calls he's been having to his mother for years now, something he and Anakin can't breathe a word of to anyone. Not even Qui-Gon.

"I know," Jacen grudgingly concedes, reaching down to touch his lightsaber again. He can't believe he finally has one. It's blue, just like Anakin's, and secretly, he'll admit that's what he always hoped. He wants to be just like his brother.

They go through all the important places in the main part of the Temple, pausing the longest in the Archives because apparently Qui-Gon likes spending time here.

"It's so huge," Jacen breaths, eyes wide with awe as they walk through the seemingly never-ending halls of the Archives.

"All important information the Jedi have from the entire galaxy is here," he replies.

He doesn't miss how his master lingers for a moment in part of the holocron area. "What are those?" he asks, pointing.

"They contain... ancient prophecies," Qui-Gon explains.

"Like the Chosen One?" Jacen still doesn't know what to think of how his brother is the most powerful Force user ever. He thinks it's amazing, but Anakin doesn't really like talking about it much. It's a reminder of how different he is, and Jacen knows Anakin has never fit in like he did.

"Yes," he agrees, "And many others."

"Like what?"

"We can speak of this later. It is not your most important lesson as a padawan," he replies, smiling faintly.

This just sounds cool,okay? Even if he knows prophecies aren't something the Jedi normally focus on.

Jacen nods, as they head out of the Archives, finally to the living areas. He'll have quarters all to himself now, and the sudden change from being with so many other children all the time is jarring. It sounds... lonely.

He won't have Ahsoka near him all the time either. He doesn't even know how frequently they'll be able to see each other, and that sends a sharp pang through him. He's been so excited for this, and he still is, but... not all of any change is usually good. At least he'll be able to see Anakin more, though. Maybe they'll even get to go on missions together! And their mother...

"Come," Qui-Gon tells him, when he's had sufficient time to explore his new room. His. It's the first time he's had anything like this to himself. "We must begin your lessons."

**w**

Jacen doesn't mind the Archives quite as much as he thought he would. Qui-Gon is obsessed with research, of all things a Jedi Master could do in his spare time, but then again, he is a Jedi Master, and that's probably more productive than many other things. Depending on the topic, it's actually quite intriguing. At least right now, it is.

He knew Ahsoka was going to be spending some time here, but he's still mildly surprised to run into her. "Hey," he calls to her.

She jumps and whirls around. "Jacen! I didn't expect to see you here."

"I know you mentioned working in the Archives," Jacen says conversationally, approaching her. She's still an Initiate, and it's rare for them to come to this part of the Temple without supervision. He doesn't see anyone with her – maybe one of them wandered off.

Her face scrunches a bit. "I haven't been able to pass some of the tests I need to. I decided to spend some time in the Archives to make up for it. If I'm not good with people, I can at least be good with places, you know?"

"Mm-hm." Truthfully, he doesn't understand why Ahsoka is struggling in that area. She has friends and is perfectly empathic compared to most of the Jedi Jacen knows, but for some reason, she struggles with... interacting with people. She has trouble with respecting authority sometimes – it's not that Jacen doesn't, but somehow, he seems to have a better idea when to and when not to than she does. Not as if that's exactly a surprise, considering his background. But despite Ahsoka's softness, she has a wild streak to her that they've been told she'll have to tame before becoming a padawan.

Jacen thinks their teachers are, plain and simple, just being picky. Ahsoka is a skilled fighter for her age even, passing those tests with ease. He's not happy about this... separation though, because it'll be much harder for them to see each other. Ahsoka is his best friend.

"What are you doing here?" she inquires.

"Clearly, my master is of the opinion that I need more research knowledge or whatever, too. I dunno, I think it's just what he likes doing in his spare time."

Ahsoka snorts. "I'm not actually surprised."

"I was, just a bit," Jacen replies, "I must ask Obi-Wan if his master was into this when he was still a padawan."

"Now that is something I can't imagine."

He snickers at the thought. "Me either." They haven't interacted much with Obi-Wan, but they've heard enough about him from Anakin to make up for it. Right now, Jacen is just trying not to think too hard about how this is the first time he'll be able to see his mother face-to-face in eight years. And words cannot describe how badly he aches to be with her again, even though he only remembers vague impressions of Tatooine now. It's terrifying and exciting at once, and he can't wait.

But if he thinks about that, he won't be able to focus on anything. First, he somehow needs to convince his master to let him go near the Senate building.

And that is going to be hard without outright explaining to him, and that is something neither of the Skywalkers will do. This is a secret solely between them that they've always carried, and hopefully always will. Neither of their masters would approve. It's against the Jedi way. Facing their masters' disappointment and disapproval and the Council's anger is... not something either of them will risk.

So, yes, making it over there isn't going to be easy. Jedi don't hang out at the Senate for no reason. Maybe his master will go there for some meeting sometime and... well, Jacen can hope.

"I just wish I could be doing something," Ahsoka grumbles.

"Working here in the Archives is as important as working elsewhere," comes Yaddle's voice. Both of them jump and turn to look down at where the Jedi Master is standing. She approached so slowly that Jacen didn't even hear her. How long was she watching?

"I know," Ahsoka replies.

"But I can't imagine doing only this," Jacen agrees.

"It is a great service to the Order," she answers, looking up at them. He still finds it funny to be so much taller than her when they used to be around the same height. It's a bit disturbing to literally look down on so many Jedi Masters, though. It must be weird for them to look up at everyone all the time, too.

"I just wish I could pass all the tests," Ahsoka sighs.

"You must be patient," Yaddle chides, "Rushing will make it take longer."

"Nice," Ahsoka grumbles, "I don't see how I can hurry not to hurry."

"What does that even mean?" Jacen asks, eyeing her.

"I don't know. That's what I was just saying."

"The first lesson a Jedi must always remember is to be patient. You will be taken when the time arrives. Perhaps now where you still have most to learn is here in the Archives."

It's a fair point, even if Jacen can't imagine being confined to the Temple indefinitely like that. He can't imagine how frustrating it must be, since pretty much everyone else their age range has already moved on to become padawans. Especially now that he's gone, it's going to be difficult there. There's a few that will probably be there for another year, but then again, he highly doubts Ahsoka will be staying there for more than another year. Hopefully.

Really, Jacen can just desperately hope that when she is finally taken, they won't be separated for the foreseeable future, because their interactions will be even more limited.

He can't imagine being a Jedi without Ahsoka at his side – she's been there constantly, and now that he's away, he misses her. She helped him when he lost everything else, and it's a bond that he can never let go of. Just like the rest of them.

Jacen knows that, as a Jedi, he shouldn't care about people as deeply as he does, but with his mother, Anakin, and Ahsoka especially, it's... different. He doesn't know Qui-Gon quite well enough to tell if the same is true for him or not, but he suspects it will be soon enough. Whether that's good or concerning, he doesn't know.

All he does know is that there's a constant, creaseless fear that gnaws at him, wondering what will happen if something happens to them. He's used to being away from Anakin and to his brother being in danger, and he knows that Anakin is perfectly capable of taking care of himself, but... that's not true for his mother and Ahsoka. Well, he knows his mother can survive just fine on her own, but she's not a Jedi like they are. She doesn't have the abilities they do.

And with Ahsoka... he can only hope he'll get used to it before she starts going on missions, so he'll have a reason to worry about her.

**w**

Waiting for this moment to arrive has been literal torture. It's even harder when he has to keep it a secret from Qui-Gon, who keeps eyeing him questioningly. "You need to focus, padawan," he chides, more than once.

"I am focused, Master!" Jacen insisted, even if... it wasn't really true. He was trying, but all he could think about was how Anakin came up with a good enough excuse to take him to the Senate.

"You're distracted. What is it?" he'd asked, and Jacen's heart jumped into his throat. Luckily, he's good with... lying, but he instantly feels bad about it. He shouldn't have to do this with Qui-Gon, someone he's always looked up to. He can only hope he bought the excuse, because no one can find out about this.

He hates how sometimes it feels he's failing as a Jedi because of what he's doing. But he can't just stop, and it's so confusing sometimes, and there's no one he can talk to about it. Anakin doesn't have any more answers than he does. He doesn't like having to hide it from Obi-Wan either.

Jacen banishes those thoughts to the back of his mind, though, as they make their way through the halls of the Senate, to Padme's office.

He feels frozen, rooted to his spot, when they step into the waiting room off to the side, to see Shmi waiting for them. It's been so many years, and he didn't know when he'd ever see her again. But she's here, standing in front of him. She looks the same, only older, but also... happier, he thinks. He's seen her before, of course, but it was always through a hologram. It's different in person when she's not tinged blue and all.

"Jacen," she says, softly, and that's all it takes for him to bolt forwards, all but throwing himself into her arms.

"Mom," he breaths shakily, clinging to her tightly. He's waited for this for so, so long, and it's almost unreal that he's finally having the chance. It was always something out of a dream, something unreachable and far away. And it hurt so much, knowing Anakin could see her, and he couldn't.

He can't imagine ever losing this. How could he have survived not being able to talk to her, never knowing if she was okay? It's worse knowing that, if not for Dooku freeing her, that probably would have happened. And with time... he doesn't even know how much he'd remember her anymore, and he can't imagine that.

Ahsoka doesn't really remember or miss her parents anymore. No one does. He doesn't understand.

"I thought this would never happen," Jacen breathes, burrowing against her as close as he can. It feels like coming home, and he almost wants to cry at the familiarity. He doesn't remember her, exactly, and that hurts, but the impressions will always be there.

"We knew it would be a long time," she reminds, holding him tightly.

"It's been yearssss."

"And it's over now," she murmurs, "You'll be able to come now."

"I don't know how much," Jacen says, pulling back just enough to look up at her. He has no idea how he survived this long without her holding him like this, and just... being.

"I know," Shmi replies, letting go of him with one arm so she can pull Anakin into a hug next to him. "But it may be different someday. And you'll be Jedi, helping people. I'm so proud of both of you."

Jacen grins up at her. "I'm finally Qui-Gon's padawan!" Well, everybody already knows that, but still. "And I'm gonna go on missions soon! I can't wait to have more added to my braid." For their achievements as a padawan, they'll have different colored... beads added to their braids. Anakin's is ridiculously long now.

"And you said you never wanted a braid," Anakin reminds, teasingly.

Jacen huffs. "Hey, I didn't know that was a thing boys did back then!"

"Even though you just saw Obi-Wan?"

Jacen rolls his eyes, reaching over to yank his brother's braid for good measure.

Shmi's watching them with amusement. "How long will you have here?" she asks.

"Another half hour before Master Qui-Gon will start to wonder," Jacen replies. He wishes he didn't feel torn between guilt for doing this, and pure desperation at the thought of ever losing it.

"Why don't you tell me what it's like to have him as a master?" she suggests, and he jumps on the opportunity instantly. They have so little time to just talk, and now, they can finally do it in person.

**w**

Jacen didn't exactly expect his first mission to go like this. It's not bad, no. It's just complicated, but his master has dealt with many things much worse. He's the first Jedi to fight a Sith in years, after all. Qui-Gon knows well how to handle just about anything.

The dispute they're trying to settle on the planet – which is supposed to be settled in favor of the Republic's interests, but now, Jacen is starting to question how good that is, because it seems like it's going to be hurting some of the local population – isn't exactly working out, and now, the people are fighting instead. And if they can't reach a deal in favor of the Republic, the Council insists that they leave.

"I don't understand," Jacen objects, looking up at his master. It reminds him suddenly, of what it was like back on Tatooine, wondering if the Jedi would ever come but they didn't, because... the slaves weren't important enough to be their concern. "We're supposed to be helping people. Not hurting them!"

"In some situations, someone will be hurt no matter what we do," Qui-Gon tells him, though he doesn't look happy either.

"But it shouldn't be like that," he protests. That doesn't make any sense. Why can't they help everyone?

"It shouldn't," his master agrees, "There may be more we can do here to benefit the people, even if it is contrary to what the Senate wants."

"Then we should, shouldn't we?" he asks. Why are they only doing what the politicians want? That's wrong. It's like – how everybody did what Jabba wanted on Tatooine. He knew Anakin had complaints about things like that sometimes – apparently going out of his way to help people when it distracted from the mission is something Obi-Wan's always yelling at him for – but Jacen never expected to see it himself so soon.

"We will," Qui-Gon assures him, "And perhaps it will settle this dispute before it becomes... serious."

They try, at least. Except they don't get far.

They're interrupted when a group of masked figures attacks, and Jacen instantly joins Qui-Gon to fight them off. He's never used his lightsaber in an actual fight before and – okay, it's nothing like at the Temple. He's well aware that hurting people attacking them is necessary, but it still throws him when he takes out a few of them. He might've had to, and they're taught about this at the Temple, but he... killed someone.

He falters for a moment, and that's when a blaster shot strikes his right arm. He stumbles back with a gasp, pain burning through his arm, as he nearly loses hold on his lightsaber. No, this is ridiculous. He's a padawan now, and this is his first mission. He's not going to mess it up!

Qui-Gon is in front of him instantly, covering him from their fire, before he tries talking to them to see what they want. And it turns out they're some of the populace, angry that the Republic is trying to take their resources. It's perfectly legitimate, even if they're acting extreme about it.

Guilt pools in him instantly, as he watches them leave – taking those injured and dead with them. He... he killed one of them. And – none of this makes sense anymore.

"Are you alright?" Qui-Gon asks, crouching on the ground in front of him, as soon as the others are gone.

Jacen winces, past the pain in his arm. He grits his teeth, nodding.

"Come," his master says, helping him into the building where they can treat his wound. It's downright embarrassing that he's injured like this on his first mission.

"I didn't mean to slip up," Jacen says, sullenly.

"You need more practice in active combat, but you did well. Mistakes will... happen," Qui-Gon replies.

He swallows hard, looking down. "They... they had a good reason to be mad. And we hurt them." He killed someone. Needlessly. Even if it was self-defense.

"We had no choice, given the circumstances," his master reminds, "But we can finish this deal. The Council may be displeased, but we did what we had to."

"Why would they be displeased that we helped people?" he wants to know.

"There are rules to be followed," Qui-Gon replies, "All of this is not as clear and simple as it should be."

It still doesn't make much sense to him, but he's glad Qui-Gon is willing to do this. He doesn't understand why any Jedi wouldn't, but apparently, there's still a lot he needs to learn about it.

He also doesn't see how his master can't talk so... boldly to the Council, even if he's respectful about it at the same time, but it makes dealing with their disapproving stares as they give the mission report easier to handle.

But in the end, at least they helped someone.

**w**

Obi-Wan hasn't seen Jacen for quite a while – he hasn't had much of a reason to, though the boy looks up to him a lot – and he hadn't expected that to change, until he remembered that, as Qui-Gon's first padawan, he should take some time to help Jacen get accustomed to his new master. It had been hard when he was a padawan. Qui-Gon was far from an ordinary Jedi, and Obi-Wan had no idea how to... handle it for a while. It took him four years. Especially for someone like Jacen, it could be very difficult for him to settle into this role.

Well, it depends on how much alike the Skywalker brothers are, of course, but Obi-Wan doesn't think he wants to risk it. Anakin still struggles, and no one really knows what to do about it. He came to the Temple too late, plain and simple, and Anakin will never be able to entirely adapt to the Jedi way of life. He's trying, though, at least.

So yes, Obi-Wan is a bit wary about what Jacen will be like. Anakin has a hard time with rules, always pushing to the limit, and with Qui-Gon training Jacen, it would be very, very easy for Jacen to... well, turn out just like Obi-Wan's master, whether for better or for worse.

But either way, Jacen does seem quite happy – and a little bit nervous – to see him.

"I heard about your first mission," Obi-Wan tells him.

The boy flushes. "I think most people have."

"Yes," Obi-Wan replies, "It may have been a one-time success, but disobeying protocols can be very dangerous."

"I know," he answers sheepishly, "But we were able to help people, weren't we?"

"As I said, this one, yes. But that will not always be true."

"My master said it was what we should do," he protests.

"Masters learn from their padawans as much as the padawans from their masters," Obi-Wan points out, "Learning is part of being a Jedi."

"He wouldn't have done it if it was wrong," Jacen argues vehemently. How strongly he defends his master is... well, it's not something Obi-Wan could ever have imagined himself doing, but it's something Anakin has always done for him. That loyalty is a trait that they both share.

He will always look up to Qui-Gon. They're close, but Obi-Wan doesn't think they're as close as they once were any longer. It wasn't intentional, but he was never able to understand why his master was so willing to choose Anakin over him. It's not something Obi-Wan was ever able to ask, either way. He just left it and wondered, and still does, though he doesn't feel resentment over it as he once did. It's been years. He's long since moved on.

But despite the limited contact they have with Qui-Gon, Anakin somehow is turning out much like his former master, no matter how many times Obi-Wan tells him that the Jedi way is more important than... whatever this is.

Sometimes he thinks there's something... up with Anakin that he's never mentioned, though Obi-Wan doesn't know what that could be. It started around the same time he began meeting Palpatine, though, so it probably has some connection to that. And no matter how much Obi-Wan doesn't like their friendship, it's not something the Council seems to mind, and he's the Chancellor. They don't really have a good reason to refuse him, especially not when Anakin actively seems to like seeing him.

"Anyone is able to mistakes sometimes, even if this once wasn't," Obi-Wan replies, "That's why it's important to remember that protocols exist for a reason."

"I know," Jacen concedes, but Obi-Wan has the feeling that isn't going to dissuade him very much. Most likely, he is going to end up very much like Qui-Gon, whether for better or worse.

**w**

Jacen is still thinking over his first mission – and what Obi-Wan said to him about it afterwards – for a while, before he finally decides to go to Shmi about it.

"I don't get it," he admits, "Everyone keeps saying we need to always follow protocols, but then Qui-Gon says we need to do what's best, given the situation."

"Both are important to remember," she assures him.

"But how do I know what to do, then?" he objects. He's not arrogant enough to think he knows better than more experienced masters, but sometimes, he just doesn't understand how they handle situations. Like at all. Sometimes, it feels like the more time passes, the more questions he has about just... everything.

"Follow your heart," Shmi replies, and... Jacen doesn't think there's any better advice he could get from anyone.

"I'll try," he promises, nodding. It's all he can do. He just wishes what that meant was clearer and more defined.

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