Chapter 9 - Lost
Author's Note: An interlude with Jacen. He's... having a rough time. xP
~ Amina Gila
Consciousness filters in slowly, and Jacen blinks up at the unfamiliar lights of the medcenter around him. Memories of the battle on Geonosis come flooding back to him, and he stiffens instantly.
His body still aches, and his mind feels a little muddled, likely from drugs used to heal him. But... he's been in the healer's wing before, and it doesn't feel like this. It's always Light at the Temple, and this is too empty. Too dark. It's foreign and wrong.
Something's not right. Where is he? Jacen breathes in sharply, sitting up. He aches everywhere, and his left arm is in a cast, though he isn't quite present enough to make out any other particular injuries.
The door hisses open suddenly, a medical droid hovering in the doorway. Jacen instantly stiffens. It's clearly not a Temple model. Was he... captured by the Separatists? But why would they have kept him alive? "Where am I?" he demands.
"You're on Serenno," a familiar voice says from the doorway, and Dooku strides into view behind the droid, stepping into the room.
What?!
No. No, no, no. So, he was captured, and by the very person who caused so many Jedi deaths on Geonosis. And he used to look up to him. Anger and betrayal hit him full force, past his fear, because he doesn't understand why they captured instead of killed him. If they're planning to use him as a hostage, that's not going to work. "You!" Jacen snaps accusingly, furiously, "You betrayed the Jedi, the Republic!"
"I am doing what I must for the greater good, young one," Dooku replies, undeterred. He seems entirely unaffected by the accusation.
"You started a war!" Jacen yells.
"The Republic chose to attack," he points out, still calm. Somehow, that only grates on Jacen even more. He used to respect him, and Qui-Gon spoke of him constantly. He's never felt so... betrayed.
"What's wrong with you?" Jacen demands bitterly, angrily. His anger is giving him a flood of energy at least, momentarily dulling the pain. "We trusted you. I thought you were doing the right thing."
"And perhaps I am," Dooku replies, "The Jedi left you for dead, Jacen. They never came back. I did. I saved you, because you needed help. You're a padawan. You don't deserve to take the fall for the Jedi Council's mistakes when they have been blinding your vision."
"You're lying," he argues with conviction, "They would have come for me. My master would have come back."
"Everyone was cleared out, young one. I had the droids do a sweep for survivors. You were the only one, and you were close to death when they took you out."
"Because of you," he hisses.
"Perhaps," Dooku concedes, "All those lost on Geonosis was a tragedy, one I wish could have been avoided."
"But you'll do it again."
"Death is a tragedy of war. Many will perish."
"Then why are you doing this?"
"A civil war was inevitable, Jacen. It was merely a question of who would stand for corruption, and who would try to remove it."
"As if you're doing either."
"You know what the Republic has allowed you and your family to experience," Dooku points out, "You are merely one of many who are suffering from the neglect of the system. You know, more than anyone, how far it has fallen."
"Killing isn't going to help!"
"The choice to start a war was that of the Republic," Dooku argues, "Had they permitted us to recede, this would not be happening. All we want is our freedom, and the ability to better the galaxy."
Jacen bites his lip, struggling to think of a retort. As a Jedi, he shouldn't act purely on emotion, but rather on instinct, the Force, and compassion. And as all those things, Jacen knows Dooku isn't wrong about this. A war is what everyone was trying to avoid most of all, and he can't justify what the Republic has done. "There has to be a way to save it," he argues.
"Short of seizing control of the Senate?" Dooku replies, "Of taking it apart entirely? Corruption is at every level, padawan. There is no way to root it out short of beginning anew. And, as a Jedi," he adds almost as an afterthought, "You know we must be willing to make sacrifices, both of ourselves and of others."
"You killed so many," Jacen argues fiercely. He can't let that go, especially because it's the only real argument he has. Not that it matters. But... Dooku isn't wrong.
"And many more, before this bloodshed ends," Dooku replies, "Such is the price of freedom. If the Jedi cannot act as the peacekeepers and bringers of justice they were meant to be, it is not avoidable."
"You were going to execute a Galactic Senator," Jacen snaps.
"It was obvious her intentions were insincere, and it was under control of the Geonosians. Not me."
"Right," Jacen scoffs, "Tell me, if we hadn't come to save them, would you even have bothered trying? Or would you have let them die?"
"I knew they would come," Dooku replies, "And they knew they would be coming to their deaths."
"You're a monster," Jacen informs him firmly, flatly.
"Perhaps," he concedes, and Jacen can only blink at the... admission.
"Then why continue what you're doing?" he demands again, even if really, he already has an explanation.
"It's the only way peace and order will be restored to the galaxy. Wait longer, and the deaths will be far worse. This way, there is a chance to end things without total destruction."
"What are you planning to do?"
"That will be up to the Republic," Dooku responds, "If they allow us to secede peacefully, the... war does not need to continue. If not, we are ready."
The words are more than a little unsettling. The galaxy is about to descend into civil war; he knows it because he already knows the Republic will not willingly let the Separatists leave, and that, he... doesn't really understand. If they want to leave and aren't hurting anyone, why is that so bad? He wants to believe the Republic can be saved, but Dooku does have a legitimate point that Jacen can't ignore. "Then demand a peaceful solution."
"We have tried, and this is what it came to," Dooku reminds.
But if he's going to fight the Republic, that means... "You're going to fight the Order? You were part of them," Jacen accuses.
"They are serving a corrupt Senate, even when they know it is wrong. It's because of this they never helped youor your family on Tatooine. I have seen this countless times throughout my time as a Jedi."
Jacen can't help but remember all those times in the past when the Council insisted they had more important matters to attend to than helping some of the civilians when they were on missions. Usually, Qui-Gon would help them if he could, but it doesn't change how many the Jedi just... ignore it because the Senate says so. He can't deny that, and he doesn't like how this conversation is making him... think about this.
"What now?" Jacen demands, finally. As a Jedi, he is an enemy of the Separatists, so it's hardly a secret that he's... likely a prisoner here. "What do you want with me?"
"That is up to you," Dooku replies, "Either you can join me and bring peace in the galaxy, or you can... remain here."
"Join you," Jacen repeats, eyes narrowed. Is he serious? He would never do that. He's not going to betray the Jedi, or leave Anakin, or –
"You have time to consider it," he assures, "Either way, you are not yet fully recovered. We will speak of this more later."
**w**
Jacen misses Anakin, and Ahsoka, and everyone already, and he doesn't know when he's going to see them again. Unless he could... escape, which he highly doubts is very practical. But he has far too much time to think in here, and his mind keeps wandering to what happened right before this. Qui-Gon said he'd let him see his mother, but... he's certain Obi-Wan will tell the Council about it, and he doesn't know what they'll do. Either way, word might get out, and he can only imagine how the other padawans would react to that.
It reminds him again, of how he almost wishes there were other ways for him to help, and he harshly cuts off that line of thinking. Why can he not stop thinking about what Dooku was saying?
Maybe it's just morbid curiosity or sheer boredom, but he finally opts for turning on the holonet device in the room. (After spending a while contemplating if he could turn it into a communication device and call Anakin or Ahsoka without being caught, which is... probably a really stupid idea.)
They'd both get in trouble, him for sending the transmission, and them if they accepted a transmission from Separatist space. He probably shouldn't risk it, even if he wants to.
Jacen flips through the channels on the holonet instead, finding the main news sites just to... see.
The entire Republic – Senate, and beyond – is in complete uproar, and everyone is screaming about how the Separatists want war, so 'let's give it to them'. And about how they're essentially evil and trying to cause chaos, and they need to be destroyed.
And no way, they are never giving in to the Separatist demands of breaking away. Somehow, the Republic got a... clone army? out of nowhere, and now, they're diverting funds to pay for it, to attack the Separatists.
The war has already broken out, right in the time he's been recovering.
And now, he can see more and more that Dooku wasn't lying. This madness is the Republic's fault, and it's... he doesn't understand. Why are the Jedi supporting this? It doesn't make sense. Dooku might be wrong for starting the war, but the Republic is what is forcing him to continue it. This wasn't his choice.
He's still... brooding about it, becoming more and more confused with each passing moment, when Dooku comes to see him again.
"I understand your point about the Republic," Jacen admits, though he almost hates himself for saying so. "They're not listening to reason."
"They are not," Dooku agrees, "As I knew was likely to happen. When the war escalates, all we can do now is defend ourselves."
It still feels like heresy to agree to this, but Jacen simply can't ignore the truth he sees right in front of his own eyes. He's... lived in this his whole life. He knows the extent of the corruption and failure of the Republic, and no, he cannot understand why the Jedi are willing to go along with it.
"If you want to take action, you can join me, and we can restore peace and justice together."
That... would mean betraying the Jedi. Turning on them. He... doesn't think he can do that. "I have a family there. I can't fight against them."
"Against them, or for them?" Dooku points out, "You are doing this for them as much as anyone. Surely, they would understand."
Jacen looks down, immediately thinking of Anakin – his brother, of course, would understand, even if he would be upset. His mother would understand. But his master? Ahsoka? He... can't say the same for them. "I don't want to be away from them."
"It's merely a matter of time before the Jedi make that decision for you, as it is." He has a point. "But if you change this, you will not have to concern yourself with it again."
"But... it would still mean betraying them."
"Would it truly?" he inquires. "Even if they never understand, you are doing it for the galaxy. For them. They will benefit from it in time, even if they never accept it."
That's true, maybe, but still He can't imagine just doing this. But he doesn't know how he could go back to the Jedi either. Not when he has so many questions, and he already knows the kinds of answers he'll be getting. The Jedi will remain loyal to the Senate, doing whatever is asked of them, as always. "It will be going against everything Master Qui-Gon taught me if I do this."
"No," he objects, "You would be following the beliefs Jedi speak of but have since ceased doing."
"I'll be... killing people," he protests, finally. That's what he can imagine least of all. Fighting the Jedi. Killing people from the Republic.
"I know you did so as a Jedi as well," Dooku reminds, "Sometimes, it is... necessary. There is a cost to any change, even if it is for the better."
"I know," Jacen mumbles. That doesn't mean it doesn't feel wrong. It often did as a Jed, too, though. Now wouldn't be any different, and it would be for... something he hopes might actually make a difference. Why is any chance at helping people always through bloodshed? That doesn't seem right.
"You can take more time, of course," Dooku assures.
Even if he did, he already knows what decision he's going to reach. It still feels like he's about to betray everything he was raised in, but... It will help, won't it? Maybe it's just that, on some level, he still respects Dooku, and he knows what he saw on the holonet. The Republic is corrupt; he's seen it so many times himself, and he can't ignore that. As a Jedi, it's his duty to take action, isn't it?
And maybe in time, he'll find a way to get Anakin, Ahsoka, and maybe his master to join him.
**w**
Jacen's released from the medbay not long later, and taken to his new quarters on Serenno. Now that he has some small measure of freedom, he could try running if he wanted to, but... He doesn't. Even if he can't help considering it, because he wants to be back with Anakin so badly. Especially when he knows that everyone is going to be worried about what happened to him, and...
But he can't send a message to the Republic, and then stay here. It wouldn't... work. All he can do is start training and fighting, and hope it will be enough. (It still feels wrong, though, to leave everyone so afraid over his fate, when he's still very much alive. But what can he do?)
Nothing here is like Jacen remembers it as. He doesn't... like it here. It's not a bad place, but he misses the Temple and the feeling of home. Until this war ends, he won't be able to be with them again. Any of them. Even if it's all he wants.
He's almost disappointed – even if that's ridiculous because he should have expected it – when Dooku says that he won't have time to train him. Dooku sends someone else to continue teaching him instead. Jacen won't be able to do much with his current training, but it's not until he meets his teacher that it finally sinks in exactly what he's doing. It's like he's replacing everyone he knew, especially his master. It feels like... betrayal. That's not what he meant to do. It's not what he's trying to do. He's just... trying to help.
She's a former Nightsister, apparently, named Asajj Ventress. Dooku trained her himself, at least in part. But what sticks out most is how he can very clearly feel the Dark Side on her.
"What... are you?" he blurts.
"Have you never seen a Zabrak before, in all the years you were a Jedi?" she drawls, raising a non-existent eyebrow.
Maybe it's just that he's not in the mood for jokes, that the comment grates on him so much. "I mean what kind of Force user are you?"
"I'm Dooku's apprentice," Ventress replies, "Why do I need more of a label than that?"
He huffs. That is very explanatory. "Where do we begin?" he asks, instead. He wishes he didn't still feel so unsure that this is really the right choice. But he knows he can't go back to fight for the Republic anymore.
"Depends where you were in training, but we can begin here," she responds, withdrawing her lightsabers.
They're... red. They shouldn't be red. That doesn't make sense, because it's the color of a Sith and... "Where did you get those?"
She gives him a disbelieving look. "I made them, of course."
"But – you're a Sith?!" Yes, he felt the Dark Side on Dooku, but he never thought about what it might actually mean. How –
Ventress actually rolls her eyes. "What else were you expecting? And no, I am not an official Sith. Not yet."
"Not yet," Jacen repeats, voice rising, "Dooku – he's a Sith?"
"How did you not already know that? You agreed to join him."
He glares, because – okay, he's never felt quite so stupid before. He should have known better than to make a deal with him. He shouldn't – something, but he needs answers right now. How could Dooku be a Sith?!
But does the fact that he's a Sith change any of this?
No.
But he can't work with a Sith! He definitely can't trust him either.
"He never told me," Jacen snaps.
She looks amused, and he really, really wishes he could hit her. "I would have thought you'd ask for all the facts before making a deal like this."
She's right, and it only angers (and embarrasses) him more. "I'm not becoming a Sith. I never agreed to that."
"You don't have to be a Sith to help," she points out, "Though it would certainly make you more useful."
"I am useful!" he snaps defensively. "I've been a padawan for three years already."
"Unimpressive."
"There's nothing so powerful about the Dark Side," Jacen retorts.
"How would you know that, if you've never seen its power before?" Ventress asks, dryly. "We can continue to argue about this, or we can cease wasting time and get on with your training as we should be."
His master would be so disappointed in him. He's disappointed in him. Jacen simply has no idea how he could have fallen for something so stupid and obvious. Of course, Dooku's a Sith. The Sith. It makes sense – only a Sith would tear the galaxy apart like this. How does he know anything that Dooku told him was real? How can he know what was true and what wasn't? He doesn't understand any of this anymore. How long has this been true? Why would Dooku have helped them if he's a Sith?
That's a question he'll have to ask the Count himself, because he's not going to embarrass himself in front of Ventress any farther. "I'd prefer to have a word with Dooku first," Jacen retorts, stubbornly.
Even if he has no idea what that will... mean. He can't just walk out, can he? They wouldn't let him do that – he's certain of that much. He could always try escaping before he has the chance to talk to him, but at the same time he wants answers, so...
"If that's what you want," Ventress replies flippantly, "But next time, why don't you ask the obvious questions first,so you don't waste my time?"
He's going to. Next time. Talking to Dooku isn't easy, because the Count is busy with whatever it is Sith do with their time, and it's a while before he actually has the time to come see him. Which is perfectly reasonable, but everything is annoying Jacen right now.
"Ventress said you desired to see me?" he asks.
"You never said you were a Sith," Jacen gets straight to the point.
"It had little relevance to the conflict," Dooku objects.
"Yes, it does!"
"It changes nothing."
"It changes everything –"
"The galaxy is crumbling, and this is still something I am trying to rectify."
"How can I know you're not the one making the Republic want to fight?" Jacen accuses, "How can I believe anything you told me?"
"There is a very small difference between the Jedi and Sith," Dooku objects, "What I am doing, what you are willing to do, is for the greater good of all. It is precisely as the Jedi speak of and have taught you."
"The Sith use the Dark Side for selfish purposes. They only think of themselves and their power," Jacen accuses.
"Once, I believed that as well," Dooku replies, mildly. It might be less aggravating if Jacen wasn't as annoyed as he is. "While it is true that most Sith of the past have used the Dark Side only for their own gain, that it is not an inherent part of using the Dark Side."
"That doesn't make sense. Why do the Jedi say that, then?"
"The Jedi are not right about everything, young one."
"They would know this," Jacen argues, "They've been fighting the Sith for millenia." He has no idea how Dooku manages to be so convincing, though, because now, he can't help but wonder. To be fair, he's always wondered why the Jedi and Sith have been tearing apart the galaxy to kill each other for millenia – that's something Anakin's never fully understood either – and he just can't imagine Dooku being... what they always say the Sith was. He did get hundreds of Jedi killed on Geonosis, though.
They were also the ones who chose to go there, knowing it would spark a galaxy-wide war. (After Dooku tried to execute his brother, so he's not impressed with that, either.)
"Throughout time, especially, one's opinion of their enemy becomes biased," Dooku reminds, "It is only natural. And with the disappearance of the Sith, much knowledge has been lost."
"Why would you become a Sith?" Jacen demands, "Why couldn't you help the galaxy as a Jedi?"
"The Jedi Order has chosen not to take action for centuries," Dooku answers, "It was abundantly clear to me that there must be another way. I would not permit the galaxy to fall entirely into chaos. That is why I formed the Separatist movement. I knew there was another way."
It makes sense, and that's the worst part. He just – doesn't understand this. "Did you train Maul?"
"I was not involved in his training, no."
"Then when did you..."
"It was before you came to the Temple. I embraced the Dark Side, because I saw waiting for others to make the difficult choices would take too long. It was not worth the risk. I cannot sit idly by when the public needs us, and the Senate and the Jedi Order are unwilling to act." This is the first time that Jacen senses traces of darkness from him. To be fair, he was never really looking before, but sensing it now is deeply unnerving. He blindly trusted Dooku, until... everything.
But none of this makes sense. It's against everything he has ever known about the Sith and the Dark Side. You can't... do that to help, can you? But he can't deny that's what Dooku was doing. Jacen owes Dooku for saving his mother. He didn't have to. He could have left her on Tatooine. He had no reason to go out of his way, but it's obvious he's not lying about wanting to help. Which... doesn't make sense, because it's against everything Jacen has been taught. "That doesn't make sense," he insists finally, stubbornly.
"Not now, perhaps, but in time you will understand. The Jedi are not right about everything they believe in. I know you have seen this already."
"Are you the master?" Jacen asks quizzically, another sudden thought popping into mind. He really doesn't want to think Dooku was being so nice to Anakin because he was trying to turn him, but it would make perfect sense.
Something about his demeanor changes, and Jacen can't quite place what. "It matters little," he replies, not quite shortly, "My intention is to restore peace and order, regardless of what stands in the way."
Somehow, Jacen thinks the answer to that might be a 'no', but clearly, Dooku doesn't intend to give him any more information. Which... is probably wise on his part, because he still isn't entirely certain he won't try escaping if he has the chance, but at the same time, he... doesn't know.
And there's no one he can go to for advice. He'll have to figure it out on his own.
"Follow your heart," his mother always tells him, and... He doesn't know where that will lead him this time. But in truth, he still can't imagine going back to the Order. Not anymore. Too much has changed, and Jacen cannot pretend otherwise. Even if he wishes he could.
**w**
Jacen's been training for months now, and he's finding Ventress slightly more tolerable. He's not entirely sure what he thinks about going on missions, though. Training is one thing. But... taking action? That's different.
It's a minor mission, but he wasn't able to carry it out without killing anyone. He encountered far too many of the Republic's new troopers for that.
Troopers who are all apparently Republic slaves, and he has no idea how the Jedi can stand for this. Why are they allowing it? It's like Dooku said, the Republic has fallen farther than Jacen wanted to believe. And so have the Jedi, for going along with it.
He can only imagine how Anakin feels about it, being forced to lead a slave army to die.
But how does it make Jacen any better than them if he's killing them? He thought this was the right choice, but he can't help but question it again. But especially now, there's no route back. Not anymore. He has to stay here and finish what he started.
It's far harder to find any level of calm like he used to. All he can feel is the Dark Side, calling to him constantly. He can't shake off his guilt the way he used to, and now, it feels like he's drowning in it.
He can't reach for the Light properly in this state, and it's beginning to feel like only a matter of time before he loses control entirely.
Is this what happened with Dooku? Did he... do things steadily worse until he couldn't stay in the Light anymore either? It... would make sense, though Jacen doesn't think he could rightfully say that using the Dark Side like this isn't evil, like the Jedi warn about.
The only difference is that he's not doing it for himself. It's for the greater good, for the galaxy the way the Jedi always teach, even if the methods are completely different.
He just doesn't know if – or rather when – there's a point that needs to... stop. He doesn't think he'll ever understand why everything both sides do has to be through killing, but there's nothing he can do now.
All Jacen can do is keep fighting, ignoring the constantly growing ache in him as he wishes he could just be home, with his family.
But that won't happen until the war is over.
Final Notes: Reviews are always appreciated! ^-^
Come hang out on Discord (delete spaces), discord . gg / nqSxuz2 or find us on tumblr at fanfictasia (our more serious blog which does have controversial posts on it; I won't be offended if you choose to block it, promise), and disastertriowriting (which is our fun blog with crack posts or incorrect SW quotes)
We've got a YT channel for tributes! (delete the spaces) youtube channel / UC_g1M5rSCxJUzQCRS29B6pA
ALSO: We have SW gift request forms for General, Anakin-Clones-centric, and Bad Batch fics. :D (delete spaces) bit . ly / CourtesyTrefflinFicRequests