Chapter 13 - Meeting
Author's Note: There's a quote from Qui-Gon in here that appeared in the canon novel Master & Apprentice. :)
~ Amina Gila
Qui-Gon is at the Temple when he's not on the kind of mission the Jedi used to have. Finding him isn't difficult, though Anakin can't say the same about explaining the story to someone again.
"You're certain he... Fell?" Qui-Gon asks, his disbelief obvious. Anakin can sense his confusion and... a multitude of emotions that he can't begin to name, though guilt is definitely a large one.
"He did," Anakin confirms, "I felt the darkness on him, but he is not a Sith. Merely... a Fallen Jedi." How much that will change, though, he doesn't know.
All he does know is that it has to, somehow, because Anakin absolutely refuses to let his brother be lost. He'd do anything to bring him back, whatever it takes. Anything.
Qui-Gon shakes his head, a quiet sigh escaping him. "Dooku has always been persuasive. He has always had a way of gaining other's loyalty and... inspiring them. It's how he is, though I do not understand how Jacen could have fallen for it."
Anakin can tell Qui-Gon has not taken well to the fact that his master is leading the war against the Jedi, not as if that's surprising. They all respected Dooku. Anakin still doesn't understand how he could have done this, even if sometimes – okay, he's been thinking about mostly now after what happened to Jacen – he'll admit he can see some of the reasoning. But that doesn't change that the Separatists are totally failing at what they're trying to do. Not as though that justifies what Dooku did, though Anakin keeps wondering how and why Jacen got roped into this.
"He's lost faith in the Republic, and the Jedi now that they're fighting in the war."
"I knew he had questions," Qui-Gon admits, "It may help if I could speak with him."
"I never had a chance to speak with him, either," Anakin continues, "We must find him."
"I'll search for him personally," he decides, straightening, "Perhaps I could speak with Dooku as well. This must end, and the fighting is leading us nowhere."
"How would you find them?"
"I do not know yet, but there must be some way."
Maybe. Hopefully. Anakin can only hope that it will help. With each passing moment, he misses Ahsoka more and more, and now, he's missing Jacen constantly, too, again. Well, he never stopped,but it's constantly at the forefront of his mind, now that he knows he's alive.
At least if Qui-Gon can talk to them, maybe that's a start.
But... Anakin is also admittedly worried, because he knows how driven Qui-Gon is when he sets his mind to something. He won't let anything hold him back. If he wants to speak with Dooku he'll find a way. Anakin can only hope it won't be a way that ends up with Qui-Gon getting himself killed. They can't lose anyone else.
Anakin can only hope that whatever Qui-Gon does will be successful, no matter how dangerous it is. In that situation, he'd be blindly driven to do the same. He already is. He has to keep stopping himself, every moment, from stealing a ship and going after them. Qui-Gon, at least, is far too old, mature, and understanding for that irrational behavior.
But... if they hear word of Jacen or Ahsoka somewhere, Anakin can't guarantee he won't be doing that, anyway.
**w**
Jacen doesn't usually go on missions with Ventress, but this is a more major operation, and she needed assistance. He didn't much want to leave Ahsoka after he just got her back but it wasn't really up to him.
"Why the long face?" Ventress snips. They're on a mission to ensure Separatist control of the planet they're in, which involves some... negotiating and whatnot, and it's definitely boring, but at least they don't have to fight against the Republic right now. These are things Jacen can do, and it sits fine on his conscience, because he knows this means they'll be able to help these people once everything is over.
"What long face?" Jacen asks flatly. He's gotten to know her a lot better over the past year, and she doesn't get on his nerves quite so much. Or maybe it's that she does, but he usually finds it more amusing than annoying, because that just seems to be the way she is. Ventress is definitely annoying sometimes, but she's not a bully the way some people were at the Temple.
"You've been distracted and making me do all the hard work."
"Right. Usually, it's the other way around." Well it isn't, but if they're going to be insulting each other for no reason...
She scoffs. "Sure it is. And you haven't answered what's up."
Is it really that visible? He's glad to have Ahsoka here with him, but it also means that Anakin's all alone now, and he just wants the war to be over,so he can be with everyone again. Why did all of this have to come in the way in the first place? "The war still has no end in sight."
"Why don't you have a chat with your Jedi sidekick about that?"
She already heard about Ahsoka, unsurprisingly. "Careful," Jacen tells her dryly, "She bites."
"So I've heard," Ventress drawls, "But I know cats."
"Cats with lightsabers?"
"I've seen plenty of those too."
"You've run into her before, haven't you?" Jacen asks, in spite of himself.
"On occasion. She's more irritating than you."
He doesn't know how she manages to say these things in a tone that doesn't come across as nasty. You never hurt her, did you? He wants to ask but doesn't. He doesn't feel comfortable speaking much of his family on the other side of the war. At least not when the person he's speaking with seems to harbor no positive feelings for the Republic at all. If anything, most of what Ventress is doing seems to be about revenge, though he could be wrong about that. She speaks little of her past.
He knows that she's... from a similar background to Anakin and himself, that she was once a slave herself before being freed by a Jedi, who trained her, only for the Jedi to die. She was left alone afterwards, and she lost herself to the Dark Side.
Ventress may have chosen to use her pain to hurt others, but it doesn't change that she was yet another victim of the Jedi, and that she was deeply wronged. And, like so many others, what happened to her is not something that can ever be fixed.
It's then that Jacen suddenly senses something, something familiar. It's... Someone's coming.
"What?" Ventress asks.
"I'll handle this," is the only reply he can give her, and then bolts, ignoring her yelling after him. Hopefully she stays away, because he doesn't want this to end in an actual fight.
He never considered he might run into Qui-Gon instead of Anakin. He's seen nothing of his master throughout the war – Dooku said Qui-Gon would likely refuse to fight. Jacen is glad about that, at least, but he doesn't... know how to handle confronting his former master. He wants to see him again, definitely, but he also fears facing his disappointment. Qui-Gon was always so kind and gentle, and somehow, that makes the knowledge that Jacen inevitably disappointed him somehow worse.
He doesn't have to wait long.
Qui-Gon steps into view, approaching through the fog that surrounds them – it makes them vulnerable for attack, but there was not supposed to be anyone from the Republic here. Jacen stills; for a moment, all he can do is stare at him. It's been so long since he last saw him, he never realized how much he missed him, too.
"Jacen," Qui-Gon is first to speak, and he sounds guarded, wary almost. Somehow, that hurts more than anything else could.
"Master," he replies, faintly, hating how much his voice is shaking.
"I sensed you would be here." He sounds as uncertain what to say as Jacen feels.
"I didn't know you were here," he blurts.
"What are you doing, Jacen?" Qui-Gon asks. It's not sharp but it's not exactly not accusing, at the same time.
"I'm bringing peace." It's somehow so much harder to say this to his master than it was to Ahsoka, or even would be for Anakin. Perhaps it's because whenever he encounters an authority figure, he always wants to please. Especially for Qui-Gon. That's... something from his past that Jacen has never been able to move on from.
"There is no peace in any of this," he replies, firmly, "The longer this war goes on, it's only spreading chaos everywhere."
"I know. That's why I'm trying to end it!"
"Like this? Through more killing?"
"The Jedi are doing that too! Here we're trying to... stop it." On this planet, anyway. Those are the only missions he makes a point of trying to be part of.
"But you're not."
Jacen's heart is racing, but he needs to find something, anything to tell his master. "Don't blame yourself," he requests at last, "For what happened to me. It was my choice. There was nothing you could have done if it was my destiny."
"No, there would not have been," Qui-Gon agrees, though the guarded look in his eyes doesn't lift.
Why Jacen never thought he would encounter his former master, he doesn't know. But he is now, and he needs to figure out how to handle it, fast.
"But even so," Qui-Gon continues, "I should have ensured you understood that Jedi don't take matters into their own hands for this very reason."
"That's what stops us from helping people," Jacen objects, "That's why they fall short."
"There is a much graver danger of taking these matters into our own hands," Qui-Gon cautions. "One person cannot make decisions of life and death. This is something we must entrust to the will of the Force."
"Refraining from acting makes us responsible."
"And acting can just as quickly makes you the aggressor, padawan." His master is cautioning him, warning him, not chiding him, but somehow, it still feels more like the latter. Maybe it's just that Jacen regrets what this has come to so deeply. It would be so much easier to do this with his whole family together. He can't help thinking if they had, maybe somehow, the war would already be over.
"I know how it feels to wait for others to come help me. I'm not going to do that to those I can help."
"Even if it destroys you?"
"If it does, I will know my own soul is not worth those of everyone I'm trying to save. Sacrifice one for a thousand."
Something in his master's expression shutters – whether that's because he disagrees, or because of the bluntness of what Jacen said, he doesn't know. "Not you, Jacen."
"Why?" he asks, "Because I'm too young? I know what I'm doing." Considering it feels more like a plea to the Force even when he says it, he highly doubts himself it's true.
Qui-Gon shakes his head, moving closer. "I don't know what Dooku's told you, but this is not the way. The Jedi's strength is not with power, but with patience, understanding. Those will always prevail in the end. Rushing will never give the right answer."
"This is not something that can wait, Master. Lives depend on us. And no, I may not know them, but they still matter. You don't understand. You were never where Anakin and I were. You have no idea what we went through."
"No, I do not. But either way, violence and the Dark Side are not the answer. It matters what side we choose. Even if there will never be more light than darkness. Even if there can be no more joy in the galaxy than there is pain. For every action we undertake, for every word we speak, for every life we touch, it matters. Turning towards the Light doesn't mean winning some sort of cosmic game. We turn to it because it's the Light."
For a moment, but only a moment, Jacen wavers. But in the end, what Qui-Gon is saying is mostly what he's trying to accomplish, just not with methods anyone approves of. "Something," Jacen replies firmly, fiercely, because this at least he believes in with all his heart, "Is better than nothing. Neither side is all right. Neither is all wrong. But here, with the Separatists, we have a chance to start something new. That's what I have to do."
"No matter what it takes?" Qui-Gon guesses.
Yes. Except... if it comes to his family. "Maybe. I always have limits. That's true no matter where I am."
"I would have thought this was past one."
"Me too, once." He stands rigid, still on guard, though he highly doubts his master will attack him. Qui-Gon was never like that. Any other Jedi would have already, but he... doesn't think his relationship with his former master could have deteriorated to that. Or rather, he certainly hopes it hasn't. His master was always... empathic, compassionate in a way foreign to most Jedi. That was one of the many reasons Jacen himself has started losing faith in them. He just... can't stand for what they've become.
"You won't come back, will you?" he asks finally.
Something twists sharply inside him. For Anakin and Ahsoka, he understands. But his own master? He... didn't expect that for some reason, and it hurts. "No. I cannot." And he can't, not when they're so close, and he's already given so much. But this is his family, and it feels like a betrayal somehow to refuse to come back. "You know I can't," he continues gathering his courage, refusing to back down – he can't afford to. "Even if I came back, the Jedi would treat me as a criminal. I'm just trying to help those they can't."
"I see your intentions, at least, are in the right place. I hope that will be enough to keep you."
He swallows, mind jumping to the chaos and destruction caused on both sides. "I say the same to you. Anakin, too."
Qui-Gon nods, though there's a visible lingering pain in his eyes. "May the Force be with you."
Somehow, the words almost make it feel like this is final. It's not, though. They'll be together again – once the war is over.
But by then, he doesn't know what his master will think of him. It feels like something's breaking, shattering in him, as he watches his master disappear into the fog.
**w**
Mon Cala is... it is. It's going much worse than Anakin feared, though. Every moment, every second he finds himself fearing for Padme's life. He was sent here to protect her, and he had a bad feeling about the mission from the start. He knew it would go wrong, but he didn't entirely expect it to become a full-fledged battle so fast. And the entire time, all he can do is keep desperately wishing he had Ahsoka here beside him. Everything was so much easier and made so much more sense when she was here.
That's not true anymore.
Ahsoka gave him grounding, focus. Now, he has nothing. All he can do is keep wondering who will be next.
They're deep under the sea, and Anakin aches to be on solid ground again, to be able to breathe freely and not be surrounded by the darkness of sea.
He isn't surprised that he finds a moment alone with Padme. Something... changed between then on Naboo, back before the war, and he's not entirely sure if he's comfortable with it. It means... something he's not allowed to have, even if he aches for the grounding-ness and family and... a way out more now than he ever has in his life.
It would be so relieving to have it, but it's against the Code and the Jedi way, and he has a padawan.
Had a padawan.
He doesn't anymore. Not after Ahsoka was left on Lola Sayu, and Anakin loathes himself for leaving. He shouldn't have listened to Obi-Wan. He should have followed her, whatever it took. It didn't matter. At least she'd be here and safe.
But being here around Padme is making him feel things he wishes he didn't, reminding him of things he... can't have. Anakin knows his mother would tell him to follow his heart, but this time, he's not sure that's the right answer.
But still...
"Ani," Padme says, a familiar warmth in her dark brown eyes. It's a look he knows she gives him and him alone. "I have to tell you something."
His heart skips a beat, part of him suddenly wondering if now is the time, but – no. It's best if they never talk about this. Anakin wasn't... able to bring it up, because he didn't have time, didn't really feel comfortable, because talking about it would make it even more real. "What is it?" he asks despite himself, ignoring the way he knows, from the look on her face, what she's about to tell him. He already knows it, though. He can feel it. He would have said something a long time ago, except he was afraid that it would only make everything worse.
"Ani, I..."
"Love me?" he guesses, flushing a bit as he says it, but she doesn't seem to know how to get it out. It's as awkward for him as for her, though, so he can't blame her.
It's dark, but he senses a brief flare of embarrassment from her. "Yes," she confirms a bit breathlessly. "I wouldn't have said anything, but every moment we're here, I know it could be our last."
They're in the sea, and they're dressed in protective suits, of course, so it prevents them from having physical contact, but Anakin can't help himself, reaching out anyway to take her hands. They feel so... small, but he has no doubts what they're capable of. "And I, you," he confesses, "From the moment I met you all those years ago... I never knew what it meant, until now."
"This love could destroy us," she warns, shaking her head.
"It won't," Anakin promises, and he's more certain of that than he has ever been certain of anything in his life. It's... a feeling. It's something more akin to a knowledge. In another time and place, he thinks she would have been right, but that's neither here nor there. It doesn't matter.
The most they can do right now is hug each other tightly, which is what they do, and wish for some time together out of water, even if... Anakin is afraid of what that will mean.
"I don't want you to give up your life for me," Padme tells him.
That right there is the primary reason Anakin never tried to act on this before. He knew it would be a problem, and he never wanted her to be put in this situation. It would put her at risk. "What about you?" he asks, "What will you do?"
"I don't know. But I cannot ignore this any longer."
He couldn't be more grateful that she cares about him enough to do this – he doesn't deserve that – but still, he doesn't want to endanger her. She shouldn't have to give up her career because of him. "You shouldn't have to give up everything for me," he reminds softly, but for how desperately he craves this, he can't be rational and refuse. He should. It's what a good Jedi would do, but that's not what he is. It never has been.
"There must be a way," she insists.
There is, of course, but he doesn't know if he wants to do that to her. Doesn't know if he wants to do that to Obi-Wan, either. "We could keep it a secret," he suggests, quietly, "But the chance of word getting out somehow is still high."
"Yes, it is," Padme agrees, "But right now..."
"You don't care?" he guesses, and he can completely understand that. Except that doesn't mean he's not afraid, because he is. He's terrified, truly, of what this will mean. After everything, Anakin doesn't care to stay in the Order the same way he once did. He craves for a way out of having to consider his very own brother his enemy. Except he's afraid of what this could do to Padme, and he's afraid of losing her. And... he doesn't want to keep something else so important from Obi-Wan, not with how strained their relationship already is. He doesn't know if he can do something else so reckless and separate them even more.
The war has been keeping them apart, and sometimes, Anakin likes the distance, likes not having his former master so close and criticizing his every move, but sometimes, most of the time, he just wishes they could be together again the way they always have been.
Not that they don't often work together; they do, but it's different when they don't have time to spend alone with each other.
Which very rarely happens anymore
And maybe it's just that Anakin is afraid of what moving for a relationship with Padme will mean for him, and he doesn't know if he can handle that, especially right now.
But... can he really say no to her? He can't do that, either, not when he wants it just as much.
Hesitantly, she shakes her head. "I know what this will mean for both of us. I keep thinking about it, and it always comes back to the same thing. I don't want to wait."
He nods slightly, heart pounding, biting his lip. This whole situation is... awkward, and most of all, Anakin can't understand what Padme sees in him that she finds so important. She clearly sees something other than the broken shell he feels like. He wishes he could see something else in himself.
"I don't, either." He almost hates himself for having to confess that, but it's important, and she deserves to know.
"We don't have to," she murmurs, "Once we're out of here... we can make it real."
Can he really commit to this right now? He wants to, but until the war is over... He doesn't know. "After the war," Anakin breathes, glancing around though he knows they're alone. "We will not... have a real chance until then, but –"
He can feel Padme's disappointment, but she's also happy. This is... as official as it can be. They aren't in a relationship, but they will be as soon as they can. There's nothing more they can ask for right now. Realistically, no matter how much either of them want it, they can't excuse themselves from their duties to go get married without raising suspicion.
And he knows neither of them want that ceremony to be something they have to do hastily some night, and with no real time to spend with each other.
It has to be real, and even if they have to wait, at least it... gives him something to look forward to, aside from the glaring emptiness that fills him whenever he thinks of Jacen and Ahsoka.
**w**
Jacen isn't surprised when Dooku contacts him with some of the details of a plan he's working on, but he still wasn't expecting it. But with this, maybe – hopefully – this will be the final opportunity for the Separatists to win. It might be a chance of ending the war, and... Dooku has never implied intentions of betraying his master, but Jacen knows that this might give them a good opportunity to do so. And no matter how dangerous it is, he's perfectly fine with taking action himself.
Dooku has the best interests of the galaxy in mind.
Jacen knows the same cannot be said for his master, because his master is a true Sith. Dooku is... a Fallen Jedi, like Jacen himself, and both of them will always do what's best for the galaxy and those who live in it. It's the only life they ever knew.
It doesn't make sense, but Jacen has long begun to understand that what he's learned of the Sith and the Dark Side is untrue. It's baseless, claims made purely out of hatred and lack of understanding – the very two things the Jedi preach against most.
Now that she's free, Ahsoka's been staying near him, and he goes to see her the next chance he gets. "You wanted to know the plan," Jacen tells her, pacing the room, "Dooku told me a little of it."
"What?" she asks.
"We need to strike a blow to the Republic they cannot easily recover from, without senselessly killing people. We need to launch an attack on Coruscant. If we capture the capital, the Republic will be thrown into chaos. We can move in, and we'll be able to establish peace. Whether we break away or everything is reformed, I don't know, but it's something. It's a chance to end the war. Finally."
Jacen is almost surprised to see the glimmer of hope in her eyes. "What about the Jedi? And the clones?"
"I don't know. I suspect that will depend on what the Senates can decide."
"The Jedi won't want Dooku in charge," she points out, "What would he... do?"
That, Jacen isn't sure of, because if the Jedi resist a chance for peace, it could be bad. The galaxy would be torn apart with constant fighting indefinitely. "I don't know. That will depend on the Council, too. I don't know if they'll choose to continue fighting, or if they'll try helping bring peace."
"If they see it will bring peace, I'm sure they'd... help."
"I hope so," is all Jacen can say. He doesn't know what it would mean if they didn't. That's not actually something Dooku's ever told him about.
"Is that why you were trying to get the coordinates of the route to Coruscant?"
"Yes. But now, no one has them. I'm not sure what we'll do. I have the half Tarkin did, but that's not enough."
Ahsoka wavers for a moment. "That's not... entirely true."
Jacen frowns. "What do you mean?"
"I have the other half," she admits, "If this will really help, I'll tell you."
For a moment, Jacen hesitates, reaching out to the Force, in the hope of some sort of guidance or something, because he knows what's at stake here, what this will mean. (He also has no way to know if this is something Qui-Gon would ever forgive him for, even if Dooku insists otherwise.) The only indication he can feel is that he thinks this may be the best path forward. At least, it doesn't feel like a huge mistake. "It will help," Jacen promises. "We'll end this."
Now, he can just hope it's the truth.
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