A/N: We are at 'the talk!' Anyone excited- I'm not. This was excruciating to write. This is a longer chapter compared to the others- approximately over 3,000 words long. Be aware of the trigger warning.

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF WILLIAM LEWIS STORYLINE, ASSAULT, KIDNAPPING, TORTURE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, SUICIDE!

PLEASE PUT YOURSELF FIRST! IF YOU NEED TO SKIP THIS CHAPTER, PLEASE DO!

UNFORTUNATELY, I DO NOT OWN LAW AND ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT, LAW AND ORDER: ORGANIZED CRIME, OR ITS CHARACTERS.

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Olivia may or may not have stayed longer than she wanted to. Arriving at her apartment, she relieves her nanny and quickly showers. Laying in her bed she glances at the clock. The clock reads fifteen past eleven. Looking at her phone, she makes the executive decision to call him. The phone rings twice and she hears, "Stabler."

She softly asks, "Are you doing anything?"

"Not right now, no," Elliot is quick to respond.

"Are you in the area?"

"Olivia, are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I just… I have to show you something."

"I'm on my way."

"Elliot-"

"Yes?"

"Noah's asleep... So when you get here, just send me a text and I'll buzz you in."

"Okay." Elliot hangs up the phone and rushes to grab his keys off the small kitchen table. For once, traffic was in his favor. What should have been a twenty-five-minute drive, only took a swift ten.

ELLIOT: I'm here.

OLIVIA: Come on up.

The door clicks and a loud buzz pierces his ears. Entering her complex, he rushes up the stairs skipping every other step. Before he has the ability to knock, the door swings open, "How did you get here so fast?"

"Are you okay?" Elliot doesn't answer her question, instead, he poses his own.

Olivia opens the door wider to let him in, "I'm okay."

"You just felt like inviting me over to show me something for no reason?" Elliot takes a seat on her couch. Placing herself next to him, she gives herself a respectable distance between him and her. With a heavy sigh, Elliot asks, "What's going on, Liv?"

"I don't know how to tell you…"

"Tell me what?"

"How to tell you what happened to me… What happened to me when-"

"Lewis…"

Hearing Elliot say his name made her viscerally nauseous. With a quick nod in confirmation, the room falls silent. She knows that it is her turn to talk. Her turn to explain. Olivia knows the only way she would be able to explain what happened, is if she just ripped the bandaid off. But this bandaid is holding together the false reality that nothing happened. Once he knows, he knows. There is no going back now. Making direct eye contact she directly states, "You saw the newspaper clipping."

"I did," Elliot eases into the conversation nervously.

"William Lewis-" she almost throws up in her mouth.

"Olivia- You don't have to do this. You don't have to do this right now if you don't want to."

"I need to…"

Elliot allows Olivia to breathe, "Take your time. I'm here."

"Lewis was evil. He tortured victims, before and after brutally raping them," she pauses to take a deep breath.

Elliot sits up, "Did he-"

Before he can put his question fully out in the open, Olivia interrupts him and continues, "I interrogated him. I pretended to be interested in what he did to his victims. I flirted…" She shudders, "The lab contaminated evidence and there was a mistrial." Elliot sits in silence waiting for more information. Olivia proceeds, "Cragen told me to 'go home.' Lewis was in my apartment- and I froze… I didn't pull out my weapon- I just stood there."

"It's a survival instinct, Liv…" Elliot tries his best to comfort her.

"I froze…" thinking back on that specific night, she feels the fear in her body begin to bubble up, "He forced alcohol and pills down my throat. He tied me up and gagged me…"

"Liv…" he reaches his hand out and places it on her knee. Elliot can feel the chills pulsing through her body.

Standing up slowly from the couch she stands over him. She says blankly, "I have to show you something." Elliot nods his head and waits for her lead. However, Olivia continues talking, "You have to promise me something."

"Anything," he quickly adds.

"Promise me you won't look at me differently. Promise me that you won't blame yourself."

"Liv…"

"Promise me."

"I… Nothing you could ever show me would make me see you any different."

"Promise…"

"I promise."

With that Olivia grips the hem of her shirt and lifts it slightly. Still making eye contact, she tells him directly, "Don't freak out." She begins to lift her shirt more, exposing her midriff, then her bra, then her neck.

"Liv, what are you doing?" Elliot asks her with a concerned tone. Watching Olivia toss her shirt where she was sitting, then starting to slide the lip of her pants down slightly, he gulps, "Liv-" He notices the mark that is crawling up the side of her body. His eyes widen as he looks closer at the small marks and healed scars that are stamped on her torso. He tries his best to not look at the long and skinny scar that stretches from the center of her abdomen down to the center of her private area. Although he is unable to see all of her, he knows that there is more than just one long scar down there. He brings his eyes up to look at her face and sees more marks outlining her breasts. Looking at her with tears welling in his eyes he chokes out, "He- He did this to you?"

Olivia can't seem to make eye contact with Elliot. She knows that no matter what he promised, there was no way he could look at her the same way as before. Standing there, she stays silent. Olivia allows her pants to settle on her hips. Elliot begins to stand causing Olivia to take a step back. Elliot forces his eye contact on her. Looking into his deep blue eyes, she notices the change. She sighs, "You promised…" He says nothing. Not a single word escapes his lips.

Trying to shake off her emotions, she reaches for her shirt. Elliot swiftly pulls her into his embrace. Squeezing her tightly, he rubs her back gently. Stroking her hair, he whimpers, "I'm sorry…"

Olivia gives into the embrace and softly replies, "It's not your fault."

"I should have been there…" Elliot strengthens his hug.

Escaping his grasp, she cups his face, "It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that you weren't there… But I forgive you… It's not your fault, El."

"How can you forgive me?"

"I don't know… I just- I just do…"

"How can I forgive myself?"

Leaning into him she exhales sharply, "I don't know…"

Elliot allows her weight to fall on him. He pleads, "Please, tell me that's all he did…" Olivia shakes her head and looks him in the eyes. Elliot whispers, "Liv."

"Do you want a cup of tea?" Olivia breathes in hesitantly. The last time she offered him tea, they almost kissed, "I need a break."

"I'd love a cup," Elliot nods. He understands how unimaginably painful this must be for her.

Olivia slips back into her sleep shirt. The kettle whistles and she takes it off the burner. Pouring the steaming water into the mugs, she sits on the stool in front of her counter. Giving the tea time to cool down, she resumes, "Lewis knocked me out." Catching Elliot's attention, she keeps her pace, "Most of the time I was with him, I was either in the trunk or on the floor of some random car he stole. I was in and out of consciousness." Blowing on the tea, she sips it delicately, "He drove me to his lawyer's parents' house. They had dinner together; and when his lawyer-girlfriend left, he brought me in to watch."

"Watch?" Elliot blurts.

"I watched him torture and kill the father, then torture and- and rape the mother…"

"Oh my God…"

"If I closed my eyes or looked away… he would just hurt her more…" trying to level herself out, she remembers to tap into her grounding techniques, "I remember waking up in the car again. We were pulled over. The officer was a rookie, practically a baby. Lewis shot him, ditched the car, then found a new one," Olivia mourns the loss of the officer who died. She thinks about him often. She thinks about what she should have done to save him. Continuing, she slurps her tea, "We drove around almost a whole day. Lewis found an empty vacation home somewhere on Long Island. He handcuffed me to the bed." A devilish grin appears on her face, "The iron-framed bed…"

"You can take a break, Liv. It's okay," Elliot sips the last bit of tea from his mug and places it in the sink.

Her eyes go blank, "The iron-framed bed…" Elliot rounds the corner of her granite island and rests his hand on hers bringing her back to reality, "He asked me… He asked me if there was anyone I wanted to see one last time."

He stops breathing. Elliot knows exactly what she is not saying. Now is not the time to push her, but he tries his best to ask gracefully, "Did you think of anyone in particular?"

Olivia stares into his bright blue eyes. Her gaze softens as she tilts her head. Tears start to collect in her eyes. Numbly she speaks, "I told him how you would know what to do and what you would do to him if you were there… I- I tried to be strong. I really did." Her face falls into her hands and she cries out, "I begged him for my life. I wanted to live."

"Olivia," Elliot steps closer to her and wraps his arms around her, "You are the strongest person I know. Not a bone in your body isn't strong. Not a single drop of blood running through your veins isn't strong. You are… You are so extraordinarily strong, Olivia Benson."

"I wish I didn't need to be so strong," she cries out into his arms. Not knowing how to respond to her comment, he just comforts her with his embrace. Recollecting her emotions she lets him step back. With a deep breath, she goes on, "The cleaning lady and her daughter knocked at the door before he had the chance to rape me. When Lewis went to get the door, I wiggled the iron bar out from the bedframe. He came back into the bedroom and I- I taunted him. I told him to- to rape me. That if he was a real man he could."

His eyes widen. Elliot thinks, 'Why would she say that?'

"He was so close. So so close. I could feel his heat coming off of his body…"

"Did- did he… Liv?"

"No," Olivia answers with a numb tinge in her voice, "When he was close enough, I… I hit him with the bar."

Elliot thinks, 'That's my girl.'

"He was knocked out. I handcuffed him to the end of the bed while I told the cleaning lady that she needed to take her daughter and leave," Olivia remembers the fear in the small girl's eyes, "It's just me and him…" Elliot notices her demeanor change. Her body feels lighter like a weight is being lifted off of her chest. Her eyes go dead, "I was having fun… I was telling him how I would kill him, what I could use to kill him… He hadn't had the chance to use the blow torch he brought… The things I could have done to him…"

Noticing her lack of emotional presence, he reaches out and places his hand on top of hers. His physical touch doesn't bring her back. He sighs and thinks to himself, 'I hope she killed him.'

"He lunged at me. I jumped away… I was scared," Olivia sinks into the stool. Chills radiate through her body, up and down her spine. She feels Elliot's hand on hers, but she is too far in to come back out of her trance, "He was talking about his childhood. He was begging me to kill him… I wanted to…"

'Please have killed him,' Elliot thinks.

"I couldn't," staring at the remnants of her tea in her mug she admits her failure.

'Damnit!' he screams internally.

Olivia tilts her head, shifts her weight on the stool, and turns to stare into his eyes, "He said I didn't have the balls."

His eyes widen, and he thinks, 'That's never good.'

"And I picked up the bar- the iron bar. And I beat him, and beat him, and beat him," as she repeats herself a smirk grows across her face. Her smirk settles into a low frown, "He lived."

Elliot gasps for air and lets his mind run wild, 'How the hell?'

With that statement, she brought herself back to reality. The reality is that Elliot is standing in her kitchen, with his hand on hers, as she relives one of the most traumatic events she has ever experienced. "I testified under oath that I beat with that iron bedpost until he was subdued…"

He can sense her guilt, "You did what you had to do to survive."

"I beat him until I felt something again. Until I felt anything except pain."

"You did what you had to do."

Olivia understands what Elliot is saying. She does. It's difficult for her to not feel guilty for hurting another person, no matter how badly they deserved it. With a simple nod of her head, she continues, "He was found guilty of kidnapping and assaulting a police officer."

"The DA didn't slap on an attempted rape charge?"

"Acquitted."

"Bastard."

Before Elliot can even begin to process the information given to him, Olivia begins talking about the last part of her journey, "Lewis managed to escape."

"How?" Elliot asks with grave concern.

"A sympathetic juror."

"What a fucking-"

She interrupts him before he can spew more profanities, "He called me. Said he missed me. Then he broke into a family's home. Tortured and killed the father, tortured and raped the eldest daughter, the kidnapped the youngest daughter, Amelia." With another deep breath she continues, "Lewis wanted me to tell the truth."

"You did. You told the truth," he tries his best not to get visibly upset.

"I lied, Elliot," starting to feel uncomfortable on the hard stool she makes her way to the couch, "I purjured myself. I said that he had broken free of his restraints and I beat him until he was subdued. That was a lie. I lied." Following her to the couch he sits next to her. Olivia moves on, "If I didn't tell the truth he would kill her. Amelia was young and innocent. She had nothing to do with me… I told the truth." His heart sinks in his chest. Knowing there is more to the story, he lets her continue, "Lewis called and told me to meet him."

"Olivia-" Elliot nearly yells. Lowering his volume he says, "Olivia…"

"I had nothing else, Elliot. I had nobody and nothing to live for. If I had the option to trade places with a child, who has her whole life ahead of her, I would- and I did. I met him. He disarmed me, broke my phone, and took my vest off. We got to where he was holding Amelia… She was tied up and hanging by her wrists." Putting the images out of her mind, Olivia grows cold, "He bound me to a table." She knows exactly what part of the story comes next. Struggling to breathe she gulps down her anxiety and pushes forward, "He gave me the option to watch him rape Amelia… or- or… have Amelia watch him- watch him rape me."

Knowing exactly what option Olivia would choose he felt his heart shatter into a million shards. He wants to scream and yell at the top of his lungs. How could he allow this monster into Olivia's life? The only thing he manages to say is, "I'm sorry…"

Moving past his apology, she explains further, "He caressed me…" Her skin is on fire. She can practically feel Lewis' hands on her again. "He fondled me-"

"Did he-" Elliot utters suddenly.

Olivia shakes her head, "I refused to fight. I refused to beg for my life. That's what he liked." Sighing with relief, she knows that this story is almost over, "He stopped. He pulled out his revolver and emptied the chamber, but left one bullet in."

"Russian roulette…" he says under his breath. He knows where she is going with this.

Leaning back into the cushion she ponders, "I don't know why I was so scared. At that moment I was hoping and praying he would kill me, but I couldn't do it myself…"

'She prayed?' Elliot asks himself. He knows that Olivia has never declared herself a particularly spiritual person. So for her to pray, she must have been in pain.

"He went first. Then it was my turn. It was a blank. Then his, then mine, then his again. It was the last blank," Olivia can hear Elliot's heart thumping out of his chest, "He kept the gun in his hand and walked towards me. Standing next to me, he used his non-dominant hand and my gun to shoot himself in the head." Knowing that it was over and he was dead, she sighed heavily. Olivia remembers the aftermath, "The blood… It spattered everywhere… Amelia was screaming and- and all I could think of… was how I wish I were the one who was dead."

With the silence that began to creep in, Elliot lets out his breath. Processing the information Olivia gave him, he can only say, "I'm sorry… Thank you for telling me…"

Not expecting him to respond in such a calm manner, she asks, "You're okay?"

"Me? I'm fine," Elliot points at her, "Are you okay?"

She nods, "I will be…" Slowly rising from the couch, she says, "It's late… I'm going to head to bed." Before Elliot has the chance to say 'goodbye,' she offers, "You can stay here tonight. I know that hearing that must have been difficult."

Looking into her eyes, he wants to be sure she means her offer. He accepts, "Thank you, Liv."

As Olivia shuffles away she smiles, "Noah might be expecting some of your famous pancakes tomorrow morning…"

"Famous pancakes," he furrows his brow, grabbing a throw blanket from the chair.

"Noah knows all about Stabler's Saturday Celebrations," Olivia smiles and waves at him, "Goodnight, El."

Feeling warm inside he waves, "Night, Liv." He thinks, 'She told him about Stabler's Saturday Celebrations?'

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

A/N: How good do you think Elliot's pancakes are? Is it just me who thinks about that stuff?