Hey my friends, it's been a second. Life got pretty crazy for me. It feels like it has been a long time, although I know I have gone much longer between updates for far stupider reasons. But this time I've got a good one. I'm not usually one to overshare on the internet but my old roommate said she loves the fanfic writer drama, so here we go.
I've had a bit of a year. I graduated from school two years ago in British Columbia and moved back home to Colorado. I'm what we call up north a good ol' American- Maple mix. Which is basically the same thing in every way except legally, geographically, and socially. (also American Maple mix is 100% not a real thing people say.) I then moved to Hawaii with a childhood friend for reasons, which is where I had been, until I got this amazing job offer up north back in Canada. Which I applied for, interviewed for, and got hired at, exactly three days after I posted the last chapter. Since then, I had a month to pack up, plan, and move back halfway across the world, stopping all around the U.S. and Canada to see old friends, arriving just in time to start my new job the next day.
I am now Officially! A biologist. (as opposed to a secretary with a biology degree!). And I get to spend my time in a beautiful little town in the north, wading through creeks trying to save the fish, or marching through the forest to try and save bird nests from loggers, or, as I learned on my second day, sometimes riding down mountainsides on the back of a snowmobile driven by my badass Biology mentor while being slowly stalked by a wolf (that was a day!) It's a really… interesting job, but I adore it.
But between moving countries-Again! (Do you know how hard it is to move bunnies to the US from Canada, and then to Hawaii, and then back to the US and then back to Canada! Those poor things), starting a new job, working an insane amount of overtime, and moving into my new apartment, I haven't had more than an hour or two to myself since last chapter. And I have absolutely been itching to write the rest of the war arc. So now that everything is slowly calming down, I will do my best to get back to this story! As I can't wait to get Luffy out of there!
As always, this chapter is dark, and it's going to just get worse!
XXX
Once upon a time, the world made sense.
Sort of.
It was always crazy and chaotic, and downright cruel. Sometimes it had seemed like it was too much. But it was always just a trick, the steepest part of the mountain right before the top. The only ones that fell for it were the ones that gave up, the ones that never made it to the summit.
That was never supposed to be Luffy. He wasn't like other people. He wasn't one to give up because things got hard. He was raised to be tougher than that. Tougher than most. He was a survivor.
He figured that becoming the pirate king would be hard. But he had also figured he was good for it. He wanted it more than anyone else, and he would prove it, with his life if he had to. If he didn't measure up, then he would die for his dream. That didn't seem like too bad of a way to go. He figured everything would sort itself out later.
He truly believed that for seven years. The same vague plan, the same unresolved details. He probably would have lived out the rest of his life based on that plan if none of this had happened.
It would have been better- if reality had left him alone. If he could have continued to cling to a childhood plan. It was a good idea, one that had made him very happy. But at the end of the day, it had been impossible from the start, just like searching for treasure with a made-up map drawn in crayon. Fun but entirely impossible.
Luffy knew this now. He didn't know when exactly he had put it all together. Probably sometime after his heart had stopped in that cold dark room, but long before they had taken him into the tunnels to escape the marines. He just hadn't fully admitted it to himself until he had broken free just to make it here, where the hell had apparently followed him.
Maybe he had been scared. Maybe some part of him still thought that even after everything, and enough band-aids, he would change his mind about it. After all, who was he if not someone in search of everlasting freedom? Maybe that was why he couldn't bring himself to touch Shank's hat.
But that didn't exactly matter now. Luffy didn't care who he was. Or that he had been too confident to ever give a thought to his fallback option. As far as he had been concerned there was only one thing he would ever want to do.
And now…
It wasn't like he thought being the pirate king was impossible.
He knew it wasn't, the same way he knew that wasn't even the point. It wasn't even really about the title. Someone else could have the fancy words if they wanted it. It was about everything else. His biggest dream, freedom, adventure, the unattainable, and every moment from start to finish. That was what he was greedy for, not some treasure.
But right now, in what was possibly his last moments alive, Luffy was finally willing to admit that that dream, the adventure it carried with it- it was someone else's to have.
It was possible. He still believed that. The One Piece was real.
-Just not for him. He wasn't brave enough, or strong enough, or enough of anything to continue to delude himself into thinking that it was possible. Not compared with everyone else.
How was he supposed to be the strongest in the world, if he couldn't even beat a single person on this little island? If he had to keep being saved over and over, if even the weakest, stupidest marines could stop him without breaking a sweat.
Luffy had spent the last few days being protected, taken care of, and supervised like he was a five-year-old. But he had quite literally run out of people to take care of him, and with it, he had run out of borrowed time.
Before they had parted ways, Thatch had apologized for not being the one to try and save him when that man had nearly killed him. He had said that he hadn't known that Luffy had wanted to be saved.
At the time Luffy had wanted to be saved… mostly… and he must have been clinging to life as hard as he could to bounce back, the next time as well. He had been being good, 'hanging in there', and it had been worth it. Or he had thought it was at least. But this wasn't worth it. None of this was worth it. He might have been better off if they just let him go the first time.
Just like if they let him go now.
That evil lava monster had tried to kill him, but not before that man had all but blown him up, which had hurt- but also not, and sent him flying into the sea to drown, which currently hurt but not that much.
Now he couldn't breathe, and everything was getting dark, quiet, and cold- and he just kept sinking. And it hurt. But still, it never hurt that much.
Boshi was gone, Luffy reckoned. If Ace had been holding boshi, and Ace was dead, then boshi was dead. All burnt up. That would have been okay (okay was not fine, never fine), if boshi hadn't belonged to Shanks. Luffy wanted to give boshi back. Right now, even when nothing still mattered to him, he wanted nothing more than to give boshi back.
It was really important to him that he would return the hat one day. To thank the man for everything he had done, he had intended to do a good job of taking care of it. Come to think of it, he had done a pretty sloppy job through and through, always losing it, sleeping on it, and nearly lighting it on fire more than once.
All around Luffy had been a crappy choice for the usually smart man to make. But nothing drove that point home harder than outsourcing the care of boshi to someone else because he had given up, and then letting it be turned to ashes.
Dying right now felt like cheating. He should be made to go face Shanks first. But apparently, the universe didn't think so. Maybe Luffy had finally been punished enough, and someone else could go tell the man sorry in his place.
Either way, it was already out of his hands. His vision was going dark, and he couldn't tell if his eyes were open or not anymore. A calm numbness was creeping over his chest, replacing the burning sensation.
It was kind of comforting in a way. Nothing turned out the way he had wanted. But even if Luffy still cared enough to try and change it, the world would go on… or not… and his friends would keep fighting… or not… and nothing he did mattered.
He remembered his words to Marco a couple of days earlier, impatient, bored, and eager to get back to sleep:
'Can we be done? That took forever.'
'Yes, you can be done,' Marco had told him, slightly amused, and slightly exasperated.
Could he be done now?
Luffy almost wished Marco was around to ask him. But he was dead too. So then… yes, they could all be done now.
Is it permission you want? A small, small voice inside him spoke up. Since when do You ask for permission? For anything.
It was over for him. It had been ever since he hit the water. Luffy couldn't swim, he couldn't move, even if he had wanted to. And he didn't want to. He just wanted to keep falling.
You say that every single time. You're tired, you're lonely, you're sad, you want to give up. But you never do.
Maybe in the past, but where had that ever gotten him? This time he would learn his lesson. Maybe then it would stick.
Is that really what you want? The tiny little voice asked.
YES!
You want to give up… but you haven't yet.
It would be easy, he just needed to let go of his breath, open his mouth and feel the water rush in, give in to the black spots, and stop fighting it. But he was a coward right to the end.
It's not fear.
That was true, after everything that had happened, holding on was the scariest option.
There was a reason Luffy was hesitating right at the end. A reason he was still deciding, even in the midst of all this pain and heartache.
You're not convinced that there really is nothing here for you. But you're scared to find out.
That voice was annoying, more annoying yet, it was keeping him from sleeping. He wished he could ignore it, block out the thoughts, but it was right. He felt… something, something deep, deep in his chest. There was something… something…. Or rather there was some emptiness he didn't feel. He didn't understand what it meant, only that it was keeping him up.
More so than even the guilt of not being able to return boshi. But even if that were the case, there was nothing he could do about it. At the end of the day, powers or not, cool new magical abilities aside, he was just a person. One that had long since run out of air. There was nothing left but to watch the little stars vanish above him.
Maybe for anyone else… but not you.
That kind of thinking was what landed him here. Luffy thought he was tougher, more unkillable than everyone else. He thought things would work out for him. And that was why he had so far to fall when fate finally got around to knocking him down a peg. After it all he bled and died just like the rest of them.
That is true if you make it true. You can go now… just like the rest of them.
The more he began to black out, the more annoying the little voice got. It reminded Luffy of a dream he had had, with Sabo and long hallways, and a door… and Sabo had said everything he needed to hear. He told him it was his choice.
… or you can stay… if that's what you want.
It wasn't. He already decided he was done. Everything else had just been his own stubbornness getting in the way.
And it brought you this far- why stop now?
Luffy could still see the way the tidal wave of magma came down on them, destroying his whole world in one second.
After all that- why not wait and see- What's there to lose?
Literally nothing. He had nothing left to lose.
Just one more time. Hang on one more time?
Why not?
There was something here, he could feel it… feel something in his heart. And then there was Shanks to think about… and Thatch, and Gramps, and Dadan, and Makino, and everyone. If there was nothing left to lose, and nothing he did mattered why not hold on, try something… anything.
Honestly. Screw that! Screw that so hard. The answer was NO! He had been over this time and time again. For what? For a worse fate each time. Well, this time he was truly and totally done. Let the earth eat him, let him stay on the ocean floor for all eternity. Let every mess he had left stay a disaster. He was tired of caring, and he was tired of trying, and he was just plain tired.
He half expected that little voice to argue, but it didn't. It stayed mercifully silent, letting Luffy slip further into the darkness, and it was finally peaceful.
The less your cared, the less everything hurt. It felt… good… calm. It was frighteningly easy to give in. Easier than falling asleep. It felt right in a way like things were finally how they should be. He was okay with this. This was what he wanted- this was good….
The last of the air tore from his lungs as Luffy opened his mouth in a scream. He put everything he had left into the noise, letting the noise vibrate the water around him. As he screamed, he felt whatever was left of his energy gather itself up in his chest, bursting outwards, like some kind of invisible beacon.
God! Sometimes it was so damn tiring to be him. Why was he like this? Why couldn't he ever just give up! Why was he still trying?
What the hell was wrong with him?
With the last of his awareness, Luffy felt a hand wrap around him, pulling him up, just as everything went black.
Just one more time
Once more.
And he would get it right this time.
XXX
Luffy dreamed his reflection was watching him. Staring at him silently from across a very long dark hallway.
It- the other Luffy- looked just like him. Like a reflection. Only reflections were supposed to copy you. This one just stared.
It was hard to see in the dark. But when Luffy sat up, his reflection grinned, and when he tried to stand the grin turned into a big smile, his teeth nearly glowing against the darkness.
"I like you."
That was hard to believe. Luffy didn't like himself very much right now, let alone his own reflection. He wondered if that was the point or something. Two parts, one that's happy and then one that was… well him.
But no, that was stupid. There was only one of him. And he was it.
"I like you," his reflection said again. "You make me laugh."
…
Luffy opened his eyes, feeling all the pain seep back into his body like a sponge. He spat up a mouthful of bloody water, coughing violently as he forced himself onto his knees. Everything hurt. Everything was numb.
He was still drowning, just slower and from the inside. His lungs were once again full of water. When he breathed, he felt the pressure, the way they rattled. Not to mention he didn't think he could move much anymore after the way that man had smacked him through the air. Even though he was rubber, something felt wrong, like some of his bones had shifted places. It hurt… a lot. But nothing close to how his heart felt- like someone had torn it out with a red-hot poker, leaving his chest empty and hollow and scarred.
He wasn't dead yet, but he was still done for. He could tell that much. He had decided not to accept it gracefully, but that didn't mean he wouldn't soon have to accept it.
That was okay too.
One more time.
For the first several moments of desperate breathing and coughing, he wasn't sure why he had done this to himself. But then it slowly came back to him. He wasn't sure… about anything. Everyone was dead. He watched them die. He knew it. He was alone.
But he wasn't sure.
After everything… why not find out. Why not end this, one way or another? After all,… what else did he have to lose?
A little part of him thought that if he really was all alone in the world… then he would know it. He would be sure. Somehow, he would be able to tell. Like when they swore to him that Ace was dead. They all believed it, they tried to make him believe it too. But he never could.
They were his brothers…. He should just know if they were okay or not.
But he didn't.
So here he was.
Luffy didn't know how long it took for his vision to clear. His eyes were watering, either from the pain, drowning, or just because his life was rather desperate right now. It didn't matter anymore. He was long since tired of trying to prove he was tough.
When he managed to wipe the tears away, and get some sort of control over his breathing, his sight cleared enough to see the two huge amber eyes staring down at him. The slitted eyes of a predator. Or in this case his new friend, holding him just out of the water on its scaley hand.
His friend had been trying to talk to him for some time, but Luffy hadn't heard him over his own breathing. When he got ahold of himself enough to listen, he realized the giant lizard was scolding him. Basically saying "I told you so," in that weird long-winded formal way it was prone to use.
Luffy was way past morals or learning experiences. He was dying! His time quickly ticked down on finding two people who did not exist anymore in the middle of a hellscape. He sat back, barely holding in a sob as his broken ribs ground against each other. He spat out a mouthful of blood, trying his absolute hardest not to cry out in pain.
"-ank you," his voice was just a whisper over the raging war around them. But the creature heard him all the same. It dipped its great head closer to the water. They were some ways out. Luffy hadn't realized how far he had been thrown. And with the chaos, and the creature's own camouflage, nobody was paying too much attention to the lurking sea king, even if one clutched a small kid between its talons.
'You knew this would happen… and you went anyway'
That wasn't entirely true. Luffy had been hoping for a better outcome. But he knew this was a possibility. He had expected to fail. What he hadn't counted on were his brothers failing as well. Really this was their fault. Luffy was pathetic, no question. But they weren't supposed to be.
'If you hadn't called me, you would be on the ocean floor right now. You have more lives than a cat.'
"It's my last one," Luffy said, his voice soft and broken.
The creature nodded, 'It seems that way. For all of us.'
Luffy tilted his head, not quite understanding. "Are you sick?"
'We all will be,' the creature gestured to the water around the island, black with pollution. Some of the ships had sunk, taking all the debris, and oil and coal with them to the bottom. Its home had been destroyed, probably forever.
"Can't you leave?"
'No more than you can.'
Luffy nodded, slowly understanding. He hadn't wanted that to happen. It was sad. But there was no point in apologies. It wasn't his doing. It was, once again, out of his hands. And still, his friend had come to save him.
"What w- will you do?" he asked, having to start over when his voice failed.
Fight- The creature told him, the answer rolling easily off its tongue. 'That is what you do when your territory is threatened. You fight, and fight until there is nothing left of you- as you have done.'
He just nodded again. That made sense to him. Why was it that the only person speaking his language was the giant water lizard?
'You will go back? To your precious humans?'
Luffy shook his head. They would just finish the job. He had no desire to spend one more second in the horrible place. Besides, he had no idea where to even start looking for his brothers. The giant wave of hardened lava rock? He would have more luck checking on the other end of a rainbow.
But Luffy wasn't really thinking too much about it now. If he did, then everything would come crumbling around him.
"Are you going to fight them?"
'They destroy our home, we will destroy theirs, there is not space enough for the both of us.'
Luffy nodded. He was fine with that. More than fine. A couple minutes ago he would have been glad to see the whole island burn. There was this molten hot rage inside his chest. Thatch's horrified face had dulled it a bit, and Luffy had come back to his senses. But he still felt it even now, just raw hurt.
He still wanted them to hurt. He just didn't care enough to be the one who did it. But he wasn't going to stop his friend. Not even close.
"I'll stay."
The creature snorted, once again he had amused it. 'You are a pathetic human, little Cub. Siding against your kind. But you would have made a good Seaking. Perhaps in the next life.'
God, there was a thought. Luffy hoped not. Considering how this one turned out and all.
The creature moved him, being exceedingly gently with its claws, it picked him up, moving him from its palm to the mane of tangled, seaweed-ridden hairs on its dragon-like head.
Luffy held on as tightly as he could, feeling the familiar draining sensation as the creature lowered itself into the water, its snout protruding from the sea like an oversized crocodile, slowly stalking its prey.
The sleet grey rock of the hold steadily growing nearer, Luffy could see the other shapes rise up from the water around them, trailing after his friend, like shadows.
Hands tangled into the monster's mane, Luffy tilted his head back, looking at the sky. He could see it, a dozen different fates in his head. The seaking's fighting, blood on both sides, his friend falling, Thatch screaming, himself running until he couldn't anymore, and finally laying out underneath the sky, watching the blue slowly drain away- the world finally quiet.
All of it fractured around him like a kaleidoscope, showing him a thousand different images that he never asked to see. He shut his eyes tightly.
If that was the future, he didn't want it. Why was it that he just kept choosing wrong, over and over. Eventually, there had to be a rock bottom for him. But he had yet to hit it, and judging on how deep he had sunk into the sea, Luffy wasn't going to.
The Seaking murmured something, something unintelligible, and Luffy forced himself to open his eyes.
"Huh?"
It said it again, and once more he had no idea what it had said. It just sounded like gibberish.
'You have no word for it,- Fleeting… or Ephemeral maybe. I can't explain it to you, you are too young, too primitive.
"Hey!"
'As it is, is as it's meant to be,' It continued, ignoring Luffy. 'Something that is sickeningly sweet in that it lasts for a short time, not too long, and not too soon, just the right amount it was meant to. No matter how much, you get of it, you will always wish for more, and be grateful you received what you did.
Luffy fell silent at that.
When you have seen as many tide changes as I have, you start to realize that all things have their seasons. But there is no end, that is a human idea. Rather they ebb and flow into each other. And every single ripple in the water spreads outwards into a thousand, changing the course of the ocean forever.
"So one great big mystery ocean?"
The creature snorted in amusement again. It didn't say anything more, but for once in Luffy's entire life, he thought he might have actually gotten that correct. One great big mystery. One far too big for him to try and figure out.
He was okay with that.
XXX
I had wanted a longer chapter, but unfortunately, I am going to cap it there so I can get to bed at a reasonable time. (I got to be up early tomorrow to dye some fish and do some baby bird surveys. Did I mention I Love my new job!)
But chapter wise we are getting there guys! As I said above, now that I am all moved in and things are slowing down a bit I am going to do my best to get the rest of this section of the story over as quick as I can. It's all time we move on from this!
(But on that note, things are just going to get worse!) I mean unless you buy into Seaking philosophy, then technically things are just as they are meant to be (But actually I am sorry guys!)
Also sorry if Luffy's a bit OOC. I really try with him but this situation is pretty far from his usual cannon character, so I am just doing my best! There are going to be lots of spoilers (but I don't think there are many people on the internet left who don't know about the Wano arc events) but just in case, this chapter and the next few will have some super minor foreshadowing, but nothing in detail.
Thanks for bearing with me! I can't wait for the next few chapters. Updates on The Woods Run Red, and Even in the Darkest of Places are on the way.
XXX
Irene Sharda: Aw, what a nice review. I'm glad you liked it. And yes! I was going for the kick in the teeth Marineford vibes! But yes! This is not a great moment for Luffy haha. He needs a vacation. Ivankov clearly is that relative you only let babysit your child when you run out of options.
So I think, according to wiki, Ace went to Wano pre-Whitebeard pirates and was then banned from finishing what he started by Whitebeard. So I'm hoping so? But I'm not actually sure. I have been pretty sloppy with the timeline!
Why thank you!
(I'll never be nice to Dragon, I have nothing against him. I just feel like that dude feeds on dramatic events happening to him so he can look out at the sunset and brooding like haha. You only start your own army if you are a level ten drama queen.)
I think the problem with them leaving is that the military will just follow them and beat them down, they need some kind of leverage to escape without their ship getting blown up. Plus their alliance with the revolutionaries. They can't exactly just leave whenever they want. A well placed earthquake could work!
(I actually have an entire plot thread dedicated just to Luffy coming up with increasingly cartoonish plots to avoid therapy.)
I think as far as Luffy goes, he cares about other's feelings right up until it restricts what he is allowed to do in any way. He is very much in the camp of you-do-you, meanwhile, Thatch is in the I'm-kind-of-your-guardian-now group. So they clash on ideals as Luffy doesn't understand why he should be expected to adjust his actions to fit Thatch's wants.
I think it's part of being a feral little mountain gremlin all his life. Meanwhile to the rest of us it's just selfish.
Catspirit: Yes! Seaking lifeguard to the rescue as always. This is not anyone's week. But better things are on the way! Eventually.
Wishfull-star: More on that next chapter! Thanks, you too!
Osion: Thanks!
Asami: Why thank you! I am always stressing I'm not doing our boy justice! So that is so good to hear! And yes! Next arc I have a whole plot thread mapped out to everyone tricking Luffy into a locked room with a psychotherapist. Ivankov does not know, he isn't aware Dragon has a son, as in the canon Luffy just told them.
eri1325: He will be (ish) in a couple chapters! But this is not his week at all.
Rose Narcissus: All three of them have the worst luck! I'm hoping to go back to that next chapter! As for Thatch, we will get to him next time, but he is probably just freaking out haha. He is going to be fired from babysitting Luffy.
Nancy2239: Oof sorry.
XXX
June: Aww, thanks! That is so nice! It has been so fun to write. The ASL bros are already so sweet! It's so fun to explore it more.
Yes! Luffy has his own gage for people showing affection to him, and it's really out of whack. He is a very cause-effect type of person, so later in the story Marco is going to have to explain that just because a shot feels bad, it's not actually bad for you. Which is a kindergarten concept lol.
Yes! Luffy is having a rough week! But eventually things will start to turn for the better!
Thank you so much for the nice review. I hope you liked this chapter as well. Please tell me what you thought!
FaintblueIvy: Aww, thanks! I didn't intend it to be so sad, but tiktok keeps giving me breakup songs so we got left with this haha.
I know! I feel like Ace needs more recognition for everything he did for Luffy! What a nice kid.
Don't worry! There will be a happy ending after all of this.
GeekyWolf101: Thanks! I'm glad you like it. It will keep being kind of crappy for the next few chapters! But then things will just get better and better!
Eternal She-Wolf: Anyone who betted on the lizard wins!
And yes! Depressing Marineford was exactly what I was going for good guess! I think a lot of sadness, that evens out into a cute slice of life with pirates haha. That's the plan.
pause143: oof sorry. Yeah, I'm going for a parallel Marineford that eventually lines up with the cannon, so we got to kick Luffy's butt early, rather than later so he can measure up to his current strength in the manga!
Crazykittylover: Oh no! Sorry, but also aww, thank you. The next few chapters will be quite sad. But we are almost through it, and unlike all the other times I said that, I mean it this time.
Miqila: Yeah! I think I'm the one getting much too deep for a OP fanfic, and it's just kind of bleeding over onto the wrong character lol.
Hopefully we will get into the rest next chapter : ) good guess.
Caelan0012: Why thank you! Sorry for the delay. Life is nuts.