Chapter 18: What James Saw
The last thing James remembered was screaming for his brother. Every inch of his being was white-hot pain. He'd lost all sense of what was going on around him, and five blondes were beating him down level with heavyweight fighters.
And then … abruptly, it didn't hurt. In fact he couldn't feel his body at all. When he turned to look around himself, he was confused to see the five blondes around his stripped down body in varying stages of disarray. He frowned, then stopped as he realized … he was across the room looking at his own body.
"Oh shit," James said to himself as he realized that they had finished whatever they'd set out to do - or they'd royally screwed up and were trying to regroup in spite of it.
He watched as the blondes came back to their own minds … three of them well overtaxed and bleeding, another in the same state his body was in - and the fifth a blubbering wreck.
He was staring at the scene, trying to make sense of what he saw and watching the slow rise and fall of his own chest when he felt a tug at his middle. He looked down only to feel himself being ripped backward, though that in and of itself was disorienting and painful, and when he got his bearings again, everything was blindingly white. James was terrified as he looked around himself.
"My sweet boy. You're not fighting it nearly as much as I expected you to," an oddly familiar voice said, and James spun to see his mother standing there, her hands clasped in front of her, one foot in front of the other, crossed at the ankles. She was everything he'd seen in the lost memories and everything that he'd seen when he got to meet a different version of her … and somehow, she was still so much more than he expected.
"Mom," he said in a whisper, though that opened the floodgates as he realized what exactly this meant if he was standing there with his long-lost mother. He sank to his knees and covered his mouth with one hand as he tried and failed to fight back tears, but that had K there with her arms around him at the speed of a thought. He grasped onto her tightly and let out much of the frustration from his short life, while his mom, who he'd really only dreamt about and longed for his whole life, held him and tried to make him feel better. The crushing relief at having her there - like he'd wanted her there so many times, had him grasping to hold on to that sensation.
The sensation of being held by his mother.
"It's okay, sweetheart," K told him in a warm tone that washed over him and soothed him like water over the burns. "We're so proud of you."
"Why?" James asked bitterly. "I didn't even do anything."
"Oh, yes, you did," she told him, then held on until he had gotten a little bit of a grip on himself. When the hug ended, she pulled back just enough to cradle his face in her hands, drinking in every detail of his features with a proud smile and with trouble sparkling in her eyes. He'd almost forgotten how she looked at him when he was little. "You grew up so beautifully, you did so much for your family around you, and you helped so many people."
"How many did I let down?" he asked. "How many were relying on me just to not be stupid enough to die?"
K shifted her stance and rested her hands on his shoulders. "That sounds like the Summers guilt complex set in pretty firmly. You're neglecting to remember one simple truth: you can't control what others do to you."
"And you weren't stupid enough to off yourself, so I'd say what happened to you is about as far from bein' your fault as you can get."
James looked past his mother at his father, who looked terribly stressed around his eyes. "I understand why .." James let the sentiment fall. In spite of spending time with the other dimension's Logan and K, there was still a lifetime of abandonment when it came to his father. A lifetime of abandonment and longing to live up to the man his father was. James furrowed his brows as he thought about it. "I don't understand what we do… what now?"
"Now," K said as the two of them made their way over to Logan, "you can take a minute to regroup. You're not entirely with us, so … this might be short term. I would apologize, but I needed to see you. I probably shouldn't have rushed in."
"You get a pass," James said, drawing his attention away from trying to see his body and where he'd been in favor of wrapping his mom up tightly again, relishing everything about her and having a few hard flashbacks to the last time she'd been this close to him. "Dad told me how it all happened."
"I saw."
"I've missed you. So much."
But at that, K just wrapped him up tighter. In spite of the setting, things on the other side hadn't all been peaceful calm and ease. She'd fought hard to get to where they were, and having her son in front of her that she'd missed so dearly was a little more than K was prepared for. And she did not want to let go of him for anything. "I was robbed," K said finally, but that at least got James to smile before they once again stepped back from each other.
Finally, James looked past his mother to where his father was quietly waiting for them, looking tortured at seeing James at all. He hadn't approached, though James could see he wanted to desperately. Seeing the caution and the clear reluctance to break up a touching moment, James took the initiative and crossed the span to wrap up his father as warmly as he'd greeted his mother. "Hi, Dad. Thank you for looking out for me. I had the best dads. All of them. You included."
But that seemed to hit Logan like a freight train, and it took him a good long while to get himself pulled together. And then, when he tried to apologize, James cut him off.
"I know you loved both of us more than anything in the world. I understand it. I wish you would have been there with me, but … I get it. I'm just glad you found Mom again."
"That's actually a little backwards," K said, leaning in to hold James' hand and steal a quick kiss with Logan, who tried to explain.
"She pulled me out of my misery," Logan said, unable to hide the fond expression that was obviously reserved for her.
"That's what Dad said," James said, then tried to amend his statement when he could see Logan was having trouble not taking that as a personal hit. These were his biological parents, and he had wished every day of his life that they'd been there with him, but Scott was his dad.
"No, well … that too," Logan said, looking weary before they were accosted by a blur of blue fur as Kurt came through to tackle James in a hug.
"You've had enough of your hello; it's my turn," Kurt said as he gave his greeting to James - then explained. "What your father is having such a hard time admitting is that how he died impacted his ascension here. He qualified to join us, of course, but he had to find his way on his own. He had to pull himself out of his pain for leaving too soon. The guilt that he burdened himself with held him back from salvation." Kurt looked toward Logan with a sad smile. "But … when he took too long for your mother's liking, she decided to find him."
James turned to look between his parents as Logan put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer to kiss the side of her head. "You did what?" James asked with a disbelieving smile tugging at the corner of his mouth while he stared at his mother.
"She hunted me down in purgatory," Logan said as a means of clarification as K shrugged.
"He would have done the same for me," K said, and Logan's smile warmed before he nuzzled into her hair.
"The angels allowed it only because she insisted that there was no heaven worth going to without him in it. They'd never seen someone so determined to save a soul that lost," Kurt continued. "And they didn't think she could do it."
"That was stupid of 'em," Logan said thickly. It was hard for him to argue how loved he was when his wife had left heaven and searched purgatory to find him.
"You two are very different than the others that I met," James said.
"Not so sure on that," Logan said, then gestured for James to join them as they walked down a gold-lined pathway of white stones. The four of them would have been fine to stay right there, just them, slowly catching up and getting reacquainted, but there was a line of people waiting to say hello to James - and reintroduce themselves.
And the whirlwind was disorienting in many ways, as loved ones he'd been missing - or had forgotten - swept in full of welcome warmth. It didn't take long for that warm welcome to knock off the harsh edges that dying so suddenly had left behind. In no time, James was caught up in the people around him.
Jean was one of the first there after Kurt. She was weepy over why he was there but as tickled to see him as if he'd been her own son - and she made it clear she thought of him as one of hers for as much as she'd watched him grow up. Jubilee was excited enough that she couldn't form coherent words as she played the part of overly excited aunt. James was utterly dumbfounded to meet his half-brother, Akihiro. And he hadn't expected Katherine Summers to even know who he was - but she was right there in the front of the line with Tony's parents - all of them pleased simply to say hello.
James was in a spin as he met so many of his extended family. So many people he had really only heard stories about. People like Charles Xavier, who had been treated in the Summers household as the father figure and the gold standard to hold yourself to.
Right after he met Charles, he looked past him and froze when he spotted Noh-Varr, gravitating closer but still trying to pretend like he was keeping distance. James let go of Charles's hand and stepped around him, his expression a perfect reflection of open regret.
"Noh," James said almost in a breath.
Noh waved lightly and tried to soften the blow that his presence clearly had on James. "Hello. One could imagine my surprise when I discovered that, apparently, the afterlife takes into account what dimension you actually perish in before it directs you to your eternal rest." He gestured around him. "And without ties to the Supremor, my soul's allegiance was to the afterlife of Earth - or perhaps my reward is to forever explore, which I won't complain about."
James's shoulders dropped at that, and he shook his head. "Noh, I'm so sorry. This- it's my fault. If I would have just - he shouldn't have - I'm so sorry. You should still be with Mia."
Noh had started to shake his head the moment James had begun to apologize, and before he could get too far into it, he darted forward to try and stop him from going further down the path of self blame. But he didn't know what to do, and the one thing that everyone had seemed to do in this universe was to embrace - so before either of them knew what was going on, Noh reached out to pull James into a hug that was half reassurance and half awkward realization that Noh had not thought this through. When James hugged him back, Noh held tight - trying to reassure him without knowing how, exactly to do that.
It was lucky that some of the others could see how off balance both boys were and intervened, drawing both of them back into the warm tone that had been so well established as Jean gushed about how proud she was and Jubilee teased him about his height.
Once again, James was getting caught up, and the very idea of looking back - looking to all he was leaving - had already started to fade. James was very nearly enjoying himself until the last person he expected to turn and see in that crowd waiting with a warm smile showed himself and shocked James half out of his mind with a warm, kind, genuine smile.
"Woah, wait. What are you doing?" James said, leaning away from Erik and taking a few steps backward until he nearly bumped into Logan, who looked far too amused at James' reaction even as he steadied him.
"Trying to say hello, my boy," Erik said with the same level of warmth that he'd always reserved for his family.
On hearing that, James' expression twisted up into pure confusion, disbelief, and near-disgust. "What are you talking about?" James spit out. "You hate me."
"That's an exaggeration," Erik said in a rich, low tone.
"No. It's not. You threatened to let ... " James gestured behind himself. "... that happen to me so you could use me as a metal-boned marionette yourself. That's a step beyond the magnetic burrito of overbearing supervillain."
On hearing that phrase, Jubilee broke down laughing, and Noh looked between the crowd - the perpetual student of all things common knowledge to the X-Men.
"Toldja," Logan said toward Erik, who looked properly abashed.
"He wasn't himself," Charles defended, joining the conversation with a warm smile. "I told you this would happen, Erik."
"Yes, well … I had hoped otherwise."
"That might have been more likely had you not lost your temper upon hearing that the boys were dating," Charles said, but that had James losing any trace of peace he'd been slowly building up with the warm welcome.
James watched Charles chiding Erik, and as he did, his expression slipped to a more neutral one - and then he shook his head as if clearing it as he stepped back. "I can't leave Billy like this," James said in almost a whisper, turning back the way he'd come and quickly realizing that there was no path back. "I can't let it end like this. He'll …" He turned back toward the group, looking thoroughly distraught. "... he'll turn into you."
"That's the worst thing you can think of?" Erik challenged, sounding both insulted and amused.
"Your attitude with a reality bender's powerset? Yes. That's one of the worst things I can think of," James shot back, but not only didn't Erik rise to the bait but he looked as if he were resigned to it as Charles came toward James again with an even warmer expression on his features and light dancing in his eyes.
"You truly did meet Erik at his worst," Charles said as he tried to guide James back toward the others. "Believe it or not, he's enjoyed seeing how in love you boys have been."
"I don't believe it," James deadpanned, though that had Jean laughing.
"O, that is just the best thing ever," she decided. "Scott's dry delivery from Logan's face. Beautiful."
"It's like Ol' Fearless stamped his lines all over," Jubilee teased Jean. "Blaming him. Totally blaming him."
"Go ahead; he wouldn't argue it," Logan said.
Jean nodded, though her smile slipped slightly as she saw that James's panic was only rising. "James isn't wrong, all the same." She bit her lip and turned toward him fully. "If you want to, you can see the ones you left behind. We've all been watching out for you, you know."
James frowned on hearing that, though. "What are you talking about? What do you mean?"
She cringed, obviously not wanting to break up the joy of the reunion, but… "We can see what's happening on Earth if we want to. Check in on the ones we love. You're welcome to do that, too. It looks like they're getting closer to finding everyone that was captured."
For a long moment, James stared at her until he started to very gently shake his head. He wasn't ready to hear what Jean was trying to tell him, and all points considered, he hadn't really let go. Especially when the last thing he'd seen was his body … still physically alive and well.
"Jean, now may not be the time," Charles said, putting one hand on her arm to halt her forward motion.
"Not everyone has the luxury of seeing their death coming like we did," Jean shot back. "Are you going to tiptoe around until, what? He's been in heaven for a decade and still hasn't admitted it like Pietro did?"
"Hurtful," said a new voice as someone joined the group who looked so much like Tommy it made James do a double-take. And then, he swore outright, especially since even his intonation was on par with Tommy. "I know; I get that reaction a lot," Pietro said. "Dad here was more eloquent - in a few more languages, too. And cried. There was that."
James narrowed his eyes as he took in Pietro's features - yes, there was a strong resemblance to both Tommy and Erik, but … his face was more angular, sharper - closer to Erik than to Tommy, coloring be damned.
At really taking everyone in around him, James started to walk backwards away from them, looking for space to breathe. Jean reached out for him, and he held up both hands to ward her off. "No. Just leave me alone."
Jean bit her lip and stepped back, wringing her hands and ignoring the look Charles was giving her. But at the same time, everyone there knew James had to come to terms with this on his own, so they did, in fact, give him space.
Time passed differently on the other side, though James knew he had no solid grasp on how time worked there. Yet. But he didn't feel like he quite belonged there yet. Not when half the time, those around him couldn't quite touch him. His soul might have been in heaven, but his body was still alive, so he had ties to life and death.
He kept hoping that Billy or Rachel would get free, because either of them could fix this - he was certain of that. It would be nothing for Rachel if she tapped into the Phoenix to simply rewrite reality to her whims … and he genuinely hoped that meant he was alive in the world with her. But he wasn't sure she'd even attempt it.
All of his old insecurities crept up the more he thought about it. Growing up, he'd always been in the middle of her and Nate - many of the adjustments Scott had pushed the family through had been because of James' presence, and he was sure that there were a few times that she hadn't wanted to see him rejoin the group after a stay with one of the other adults that had stepped up to take him so Scott could keep his family safe. He'd been so much trouble … and that hadn't changed when he'd gotten older, either. It seemed like every time he turned around, he was drawing down more trouble for everyone around him. And he thought maybe … maybe the thought wouldn't even cross her mind. Maybe she'd just … leave it alone.
But that only left a more dangerous path available: Billy.
If he wasn't tapping into the Demiurge powers - which he didn't know how to access - then he'd be relying on magic, and that always came at a cost, which James knew deep down was too high a price to pay. Which meant, again, he'd be left behind. Just … from someone else that meant the world to him.
He was getting lost in his misery when his father came over to quietly sit down with him. Scenarios close to this had happened over and over, but unlike most people that tried, Logan didn't push for James to speak. He waited and let James decide on his own what he wanted to say or didn't.
"What do I keep doing wrong?" James asked finally, though he made sure not to look at Logan.
"Not a damn thing," Logan promised.
"That feels wrong."
"That's on me, then," Logan said after a short moment, and James couldn't find it in him to argue it. And when it was clear that James wasn't going to speak up at that, Logan decided to continue. "The truth is that they were always gonna leave." James turned his way sharply. "You just beat 'em to the punch this time."
James frowned, then looked back toward the stars. "You mean they were supposed to die first."
"That's how it worked for your mother and me for most of our lives."
"This isn't better."
"No. Both ways suck," Logan agreed. "And you never want to leave 'em."
James turned toward him again, meeting his father's gaze. "You thought I was dead." Logan nodded silently, unable to speak as freely about that particular subject. "I get it."
"I know. That's why I'm worried," Logan said.
"I mean … I'm already dead. What else can I screw up?"
Logan shook his head. "If there's any way to reverse this, they'll find it. I'm sure of it."
"And that's what I'm worried about."
The two of them fell into companionable silence for a long while - and before too long, James shifted to lean his head on Logan's shoulder.
"You gonna break down and talk to Jeannie, or you plannin' to wait until her head bursts?"
"She said I should spend some time with Mia's dad or Grandpa Charlie."
Logan chuckled low. "And?"
"I told her I didn't need religion or psychobabble."
"Attaboy."
After what felt like days - or maybe weeks; he still wasn't sure how time worked - James was getting used to being near his parents - and he was starting to rely on his father more and more. But the others were still finding ways to interject themselves. Kurt and Jean were particularly keen to win him over, but literally everyone else seemed to be taking turns… except for Noh, who seemed painfully aware of how hard this was for James and didn't seem to know how to approach him either.
Still, of all the dead heroes looking to talk to him, James found that he actually didn't mind talking with Erik. After the initial shock of him being pleasant, James found that Erik seemed to truly mean it when he said he liked him - but James still didn't believe that he approved of him dating Billy. He was convinced that Erik was, in some way, glad that James was dead - or dying. But talking to Grandpa Charlie meant spending time with Erik as well - and Jean had made sure he spent time with them often.
Which meant he spent lots of time with two pioneers of mutant existence finding new and uncomfortable ways to pat him on the back that left James more irritated that he hadn't made it easy for anyone to get into his research. "Those theories are groundbreaking," Charles had said.
"And no one will ever see them," James finished. "So what difference does it make?"
"They haven't given up yet," Erik pointed out.
"And why would they?" The new voice wasn't entirely unwelcome. James was glad to be interrupted with those two in that moment. He was just incredibly wary of his half-brother, considering he had absolutely no information about him from his family on Earth, and considering the guy seemed to be, well, full of himself. "They're still hoping to revive you."
"Akihiro," Charles said, straightening up. "What brings you to our little chat?"
"Obviously, I needed to check in on my baby brother. See how he's handling … all of this," Akihiro said with a smirk before he slipped down to light next to James - silent and smooth and a little unsettling with the expression he was wearing.
"Okay…" James said, and Logan was watching Akihiro warily.
"Don't start anything," Logan said, not blinking as he watched his oldest settle in.
"Come on, Dad, I just want to see what it's like to get this close to the sun," Akihiro said in a mocking tone. "He had a pitiable life, after all." He threw one arm around James's shoulders and shoved Logan a little, though he didn't move. "I can only imagine I'd have had a similar life had those that raised me not forced me to kill them when they got too close."
James frowned, then blinked - but he didn't push Akihiro back. "Wait. What?"
That was all the prompting Akihiro needed to launch into his comparison between his and James' upbringing in Logan's absence … but it came across as twisted. Before they were too far into it, Akihiro was expressing his pity at how James had been raised, continually being volleyed between what should have been loving accepting families but never quite a part of things.
James listened without interrupting or arguing, simply letting him lay out his thoughts, and then, he shook his head. "If you're trying to get me to argue with you, I won't," James said. "You're not entirely wrong, but you're not right either."
"Is this the 'protecting you' defense?" Akihiro asked, smiling to himself.
"No, it's the 'I wasn't the one raised by psychopaths' defense," James said. "Full offense, too - I really don't care what you think about my family."
"We share some of that family," Akihiro pointed out, though he was just smiling wider. He'd fully expected James to argue - to defend the Summers clan and the Starks and the left over X-Men … any of them. "But I'm glad to hear you're not one of these misguided idiots that insists that everything was sunshine and roses."
"It wasn't whatever you're trying to insinuate either," James pointed out. "And I don't care if this is supposed to be heaven or whatever. Keep talking like that, and I'll kick your ass."
"Oh, please do," Akihiro said, smiling outright - but he wasn't pushing. Just teasing. Then, when James didn't rise to the bait, Akihiro let his tone and his voice drop to a more intimate level meant only for James to hear. "You are struggling because you haven't yet embraced one simple truth: nothing you or anyone here has ever done -in any capacity - means anything."
"That's not true."
"You'll see," Akihiro said with a smile. "And I am more than happy to help you when you're ready."
As time marched quickly on for those in heaven, Erik couldn't get his focus back while he was worried about James. It had felt as if months had passed and yet … James wasn't adjusting, and he wasn't trying to find a way to push to go back, either, as Erik knew Logan would have done - and as he knew K had pushed to get to Logan. It was clear to him that the boy's insecurities were crippling his ability to move at all.
Naturally, Charles saw all of this and knew what his oldest friend was thinking even without the touch of telepathy to help him. But, considering how hard it had been for both James and Erik to see eye to eye, Charles decided to wait him out to see when he'd finally say something. But that didn't happen until Erik saw James again … this time with Kurt dragging him around, trying to get him to engage with the other fallen heroes.
"I just … don't understand," Erik said finally.
"That's a new admission for you."
"What's stopping him from being as insufferably stubborn as he was when I saw him last?"
"That's something I cannot answer, old friend," Charles said, not because he didn't have the answers but because he was also curious. "You should ask him. It is a trait the two of you share, after all." When Erik looked entirely unamused, Charles persisted. "Erik. Go ask him. He looks as if he's ready to chew his arm off to get away from Jean's attempt at mothering him." Charles gestured toward James. "Bring him back here if you're afraid to talk to the boy alone."
"Preposterous," Erik said low, though he did get to his feet and start toward the gathered group.
He found it almost amusing how incredibly uncomfortable James was with Jean trying so hard … then, he wondered how the boy would have turned out had Jean lived and gotten to raise him alongside her own, and much of his amusement fell away. Erik could hardly believe the words as they left his mouth, either.
"James, my boy, might I have a word - or would you prefer to stay with your extended-"
"What did you want?" James asked, expertly slipping away from Jean and Jubilee - and perfectly illustrating how uncomfortable the boy was with that sort of attention. Especially if he was willing to abandon hope and go speak with Erik, who he had so thoroughly made a point to push away.
Erik waited until James was next to him before he spoke. "To allow you some quiet if you prefer. I thought perhaps you could join Charles and myself."
James looked past Erik to where Charles was sedately watching someone on Earth. "This isn't some kind of touchy feely therapy thing, is it?"
"Absolutely not," Erik promised.
James nodded before he answered. "Okay then," James said slowly, falling into step with Erik on their way to sit with Charles. He had been avoiding Charles, too. Not because he was afraid of an impromptu session but because he had this mental image in his head of what 'the professor' was like … and that image had been built up by Scott and his insistence that Charles' works be available at all times for the kids to read if they wanted to so they could find the essence of the dream they were raised to live by.
The fact of the matter was that Charles' work was so pure in describing his vision for mutantkind living with humankind peacefully that James couldn't help but feel as if they'd fallen woefully short. And that was one more person he'd disappointed, in his eyes. But he wanted to steer clear of the attempted mother-henning that was going on between Jean and Jubilee far more than he wanted to continue evasion from Erik and Charles. He just wasn't expecting the only open space available when they reached the place the two of them had been sitting to be on Charles' other side.
James looked at the situation, visibly braced himself, and sat down by Charles - while Charles smirked at Erik for how he'd manipulated something so small that might make an impact. But to James' surprise, Charles didn't push like the others had either.
Of course, that did nothing for James's anxiety level, either. Had he failed so spectacularly that Charles had no desire to speak to him? How badly had he failed him?
The sounds of the group being cheerful carried over, and while the two elder statesmen were used to watching and listening to their younger contemporaries carrying on, neither of them were comfortable with the young man isolating so hard. And the more they thought about it, and the more time they spent with James being still and quiet alongside them, the more it bothered both of them. But Charles was sure he had no starting point when it came to James … and he didn't want to scare him off, either, so at first, he let Erik try and handle it himself.
Erik, it seemed, was suffering from a similar mindset that Charles held, though he had hoped that Charles would handle it. The two of them shared a few poignant looks trying to encourage the other, but neither budged - leaving Charles to be the one to step up. He had no reasonable alternative when no one wanted to speak, so to break the ice, he began to point out what was happening at the facility below.
The timing was excellent, too, because Cassie had just managed to call for help. It was the first time anyone on Earth knew where the captives were, and it was the first sign of hope anyone had seen in a long time. If nothing else, Charles hoped that seeing a rescue, seeing that he hadn't left his friends and family to terrible fates, would help bolster his spirits.
And once Scott started contacting all the others and rallying the rescuers, it looked like their still-living family was finally going to get a reprieve from their suffering - a prospect that drew in the rest of the X-Men on the other side, even Noh and Akihiro, who had until then been actually getting along, particularly when Noh had mentioned his taste in music - the kind of music Akihiro had grown up listening to. Living in the afterlife on the fringes of a group that they sort of belonged to had put them in the same orbit, and it gave them both plenty of opportunities to attempt some kind of acquaintanceship beyond simply knowing the same people.
And since Noh flirted as easily as breathing and Akihiro enjoyed flattery and attention, they were actually getting pretty friendly.
But all conversation fell to the wayside when they saw Scott, Heather, and Lorna headed for the facility. This wasn't just a break in the case: this was actually a rescue.
And James, for his part, could see for himself just how much the long absence was weighing on… everyone. He hadn't been watching Earth much since he'd arrived in heaven, partly because he knew that the others who were there on the other side would let him know if anything noteworthy happened and partly because he was scared of what he would see. He was scared it would only confirm what he'd always thought: that his family down there was better off without him.
He still hadn't actually seen any evidence to disprove his thesis, though it was upsetting to see how far his dad - Scott - had let himself fall. Even in uniform and clean-shaven, it was obvious he was stressed, his foot tapping every time they stopped, his jaw clenched.
But even that, he was sure, could be explained by the fact that Scott's other kids were still stuck, couldn't it?
And then, Jean let out a soft noise and covered her mouth, her attention diverted temporarily from Scott while he and Heather and Lorna were still only on their way. Nate, on the other hand, was facing the Cuckoos, and Jean had seen the psychic bomb he had built from James' scream.
She nudged James, who was able to see what his brother was doing as he put the final touches on his bomb- and he saw what he had used to make the bomb. The thing about watching from Heaven was that the lines between planes were thinner; a powerful enough force on the psychic plane was easy enough to see from the other side. So everyone there who had noticed Nate knew that James' cry for help was the basis of that bomb.
They could all hear it.
"He gets that from you," Jubilee whispered to Jean, who could only nod as they watched the Cuckoos fall - and heard the psychic reverb from not only James' scream but all of Nate's pain at losing his brother, his father, and his wife.
And seeing his brother like that… James couldn't get a breath.
Noh could see James' wide eyes and reached over to grab his hand and give it a squeeze. He had been watching Mia help Kate prepare the jet meant to go recover everyone, but he'd heard Jean and saw the psychic bomb, and … James looked so shell-shocked that Noh couldn't ignore him.
But he didn't know what to say, so all he could do was hold his hand and watch with him. Watch as Nate worked with Sinister. Watch as Scott and the others converged.
Watch as Scott spectacularly led the charge to break them out.
At first, those watching were smirking as Scott did what it seemed he always did - this time with Lorna at his side protecting them both and helping to clear the path. But the deeper they got into the facility, the more cutthroat Scott became, viciously applying his brilliant tactics to do more than simple destruction.
"Hot damn," Logan muttered, in open awe as Scott let loose in a way that none of them had seen when they were all together in life. He'd been tactical, always. But this … this was open, raw rage and revenge to a degree that no one was prepared for.
And it hit James like a truck. Watching his father, watching his brother… this was how they loved him. Because his loss tore them to pieces.
They watched as every injury was cataloged, every insult recorded, and then, they watched as first Betsy gave up and then Wanda's spell failed … and James in heaven went perfectly still on seeing her quietly weeping in the lab alone. Very suddenly, he was overwhelmed with what he knew would happen next - for Billy in particular - his father, siblings … everyone he considered family, too. The sensation of tears threatening to spill over hit James hard. His breath left him in an audible rush, and he closed his eyes, settling deeper into his misery and taking Wanda and Betsy's reactions as the clincher.
It was over. Any shred of hope James had that something might be done - that things might be reversed - they were gone. It wasn't until just then, though, that James could finally see that he mattered to his family … and to Billy's. And he felt ill on seeing it, to the point that he shrugged away from Noh, and Noh held his hands up to show that he was respecting the unspoken request for space.
"James," Jean said gently as she rested one hand on his shoulder. "You shouldn't be alone. Who would you like to stay with you?"
James shook his head at that. "No one. It's fine."
"Sweetheart, we're all here for you."
"You don't need to be," James replied.
Jean and Charles shared a look, then both of them looked to Logan and K, who were watching James with concerned expressions but not stepping in yet. "K-" Jean started to say, and she cut her off.
"Just give him a damn minute," K said firmly, and James looked her way to tip his head in a grateful nod. Of course his mother had his back.
He didn't consider where he was going until he stopped. James had gone as far as he felt he could before he dropped down with his back to the stars. He really had hoped that one of them would find a way to fix it. He did. But he'd seen the way Betsy had looked at him after she had given up - and he saw the way that his dad had shut down on hearing what Betsy and Wanda thought. He knew it was over. He watched as his family gave up on him. And he couldn't quite reconcile that when his body was still alive. Not when they'd always told him that, with his mutation, he only needed to keep breathing for there to be hope. That was a lie.
He thought for sure that they would leave him alone to cope after his mother had laid down the law, so he was honestly not expecting it when someone came to sit with him - and the last person he'd expected to see was Noh-Varr.
"I think," Noh said as he sat down, "that what you're seeing is what SHIELD wanted to do with me: remove the soul and the free will but leave the powers intact. It's an insidious idea, and I don't understand why they don't just engineer a machine, even a biological one, if that's what they want." He shook his head. "I'm sorry their hatred is so strong they were willing to destroy you. And I wish for you that you could have had a warrior's death like mine, not this unsettling hollowing out." When James frowned, Noh sighed. "And I'm sorry you are far from them," he said, gesturing toward Earth. "The grief I see in them… in you… it speaks to a love beyond compare, and I'm sorry for you that something so precious has been severed. If I can help in any way, tell me, and I will do it."
"You don't have to do anything, Noh." James's tone was whisper quiet. "This is…it doesn't matter. Aki was right. Nothing I did mattered, and it's…There's nothing left to do but wait for them to throw the rest of me away so they can forget about all the messes I made for them." He held up a hand to try and stop Noh from trying to argue with him. "I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I just … I'm readjusting to what it is."
Noh watched James for a moment before he leaned forward and kissed James's cheek - gentle and lingering and full of affection. "Of course it mattered," he said quietly. "That is the one thing I have always known - not believed but known - my whole life. I spent all my time traveling between realities, where the smallest choice splintered into the biggest consequences, the widest gulfs between realities. Everything matters so much that the multiverse exists to contain all of the consequences of what matters." He raised both eyebrows. "And speaking personally, I'm a bit offended that you truly believe all the effort you put into saving me didn't matter. It mattered. Deeply. To me."
James glanced over at him and let his shoulders drop slightly. "I still feel like I screwed you over. What we did - you didn't need me to help. Anyone in that group could have helped."
Noh shook his head. "Growing up, traveling realities and timelines… we were always told, over and over, to keep our hearts and minds in the present - not to spend too long on 'what if' and 'could have been' - or we would lose our very selves. I don't know how to teach that wisdom of generations to you, but…" He leaned in and stole a delicate kiss. "I am better for knowing you, as is everyone you touched."
It was enough to at least catch his attention and draw him back a little from the misery that was overwhelming him. "Was that … a pity kiss? Or are you trying to get me to shut up?" James asked haltingly. "Or is this just a lesson in keeping in the moment?"
Noh smirked easily. "All of them, if you like, though I was trying to show you the potential good in this moment, despite your loss." He didn't move back from James at all, though he dropped the smirk. "If anyone knows what it is to lose everything and everyone you knew in an instant - twice - it's me. And the only cure I have found is in enjoying the next moment and not letting the previous ones crush me."
"So what do you suggest ?"
Noh smiled and leaned in to kiss him again. "I don't mean to tell you not to mourn. Do that, please. It's healthy. But then come find me."
"Pretty sure I don't know where to go either way," James said. "But you know where to find me."
"I do." Noh watched him for a long time and then sat back and rested his hand on James's. "I'm truly sorry. Loss like this … there are no words for it. But I hate to see you hurt yourself or blame yourself."
James nodded. "I've been dealing with loss like this one way or another for most of my life."
"Then I suppose there is some mercy in eternity," Noh said. "If you are patient, everyone will come to you. No more losses moving forward."
James couldn't stop the soft laugh at his outlook. "We'll see. I'm sure I can screw something up here, too."
"You can; I've asked."
"Sure, but whoever you asked didn't factor in my knack for finding new and extravagant ways to do just that."
"Yes, but the screwing I was asking about is clearly not what you are considering," Noh teased.
James did his best to keep a perfectly innocent expression in place the instant he realized Noh was flirting. "I'm not sure I follow. You'll have to explain it to me."
Noh grinned deeper. "Or perhaps, if you don't want to follow, you can lead," he said, raising both eyebrows significantly.
In spite of all that Noh had said and done to that point, James honestly couldn't wrap his head around it. And his tone spoke to that very clearly, making him sound small and yet … hopeful. "You're still interested?"
"Obviously," Noh said and leaned in to kiss him, perfectly pleased to have cheered James. "No better person to spend this moment with," he added in Kree
"Are we going to be secretive with the teases and flirting, then - are you shy?" James replied in Kree just to keep things rolling when it was such a welcome distraction.
"No one else knows my language; I missed hearing it," Noh admitted.
"And now I get to be a little insulted that, given an opportunity to find that privacy you were looking for, you want to talk."
Noh rolled his eyes. "What was I thinking," he agreed and then pushed James back for a much more passionate kiss.
"Do you know what your son is doing?" Jean asked Logan and K as the two of them got caught up in each other.
"Specifically or generally?" K asked without looking her way.
"Yes," Jean said, hands on her hips.
"Probably Noh," Logan answered, and Jean sputtered for a moment, just short of stomping her foot.
"You can't be surprised by that," K said, pulling slightly away from Logan to look up at her.
"Considering his coping mechanisms?" Jean said, gesturing to Logan. "Wait, no, I'm still surprised."
"He takes after me, too," K defended.
"Right, I forgot about how you picked up Tony when Logan pissed you off," Jean grumbled, pushing her hair out of her face.
"Exactly," K said with a wave. "Find someone attractive and game to play then do what makes you feel a little better. He's coping."
"Horribly. In one of the most unhealthy ways possible."
"But he's still coping."
Jean scoffed. "You can't possibly be okay with this."
"He's too young to drink," K pointed out.
"And there isn't really any booze here anyhow," Logan muttered, half buried in the hair at the crook of K's neck. "Nothin' worthwhile, anyhow."
"Drinking isn't - that's not … you two …" Jean let her sentiment drift off, for no other reason than because Logan finally seemed at peace. And that was a long time coming. She sighed and stepped away, leaving the two of them to their usual distraction, though she didn't go far before she ran into Erik, who looked deeply bothered as well. "Penny for your thoughts?" Jean asked.
"Are you paying for them now?" Erik teased half-heartedly. "I thought you simply peeked wherever you pleased."
Jean fell into step with him, walking away from where James and Noh had gotten tangled up and then disappeared together. She didn't need to peek to know how bothered Erik was. He'd been on quite the journey himself when it came to how he felt about James. He'd truly just gotten to a point that he was rooting for him when the kid found himself separated from his body. He'd known for sure that James and Billy were madly in love … or he thought they were. Now? He wasn't so sure, and he was hurting on Billy's behalf, knowing that James was starting up with the alien cockroach hybrid. Even though, for James, time had dragged on and he'd long ago accepted that he wasn't going to be able to go back, it felt too soon to Erik for the two of them to be fooling around.
Jean bumped his hip and waited, holding his gaze when he looked her way.
"The body isn't even cold yet," Erik said softly, and Jean sighed, switching gears for the moment for this conversation.
"You know the situation isn't typical," she said gently. "We've talked to everyone that's in the know. They aren't even sure why his soul is detached, and there isn't a way to put it back." The two of them were quiet for a long moment. "Would you rather he continued to torture himself?"
"No," Erik said, though his tone was still one of frustration and discontent. "Not knowing all that the boy has suffered already."
"If it helps, I talked to both Logan and K, and they're looking at it more like he's inherited their coping mechanisms," Jean said.
"Ah, yes. I can't find a tactful way to describe that," Erik said thickly.
Jean gave him a dry look and then sighed and shook her head. "Not that I think it's healthy, mind you."
"No, I don't recall hearing about you jumping toward anyone that held still the moment you got here." He shook his head. "Fickle-hearted. All three of them."
"You can't think that's true, watching Logan and K together," Jean pointed out. "And you didn't think that was true seeing him with Billy. The only thing that's changed is that you're seeing him in an unprecedented moment."
"While my grandson is hurting."
"As is James."
Erik frowned. It was clear he knew that. He simply couldn't separate all that he knew from all that he'd come to hope for.
Jean sighed again and reached out to touch his arm. "We were rooting for them too." She paused, then added, "You should talk to Charles. I'm sure he'll express this better than I can."
Erik turned her way with one eyebrow raised. "Mrs.Summers, are you trying to help me or redirect me?"
"Yes." Jean bit her lip.
"Not very subtle," he grumbled, though he walked with her all the same.
"I'll watch out for Billy still," Jean promised. "Believe me, I know what it is to watch someone you love drag themselves through loss like this. I'm not downplaying it."
Erik offered her his arm, then covered her hand with his. "I know. And I appreciate the extra set of eyes."
Jean nodded, falling into silence, though she couldn't help but add, a few moments later, "I just don't know what this will do to Scott."
"Nothing good," Erik said solemnly. "He'll blame himself entirely, I'm sure."
"You saw what that did to him before. And he just got back on track…"
"It will be different," Erik said. "Harder in different ways, since it's his son."
"With another little one on the way; don't tell me you don't know that's all that's keeping him tethered to Earth."
"I do," Erik agreed. "And I'm sure he'll have a terrible time deciding how to move forward. But it's Scott. He'll move forward because he has to."
"And isn't that the saddest thing you've ever heard," Jean said softly.