A/N: Ahoy, maties! Thank you for checking out my Family Guy fanfic, The Tale of Long John Peter (or Long John Peter Rewritten)! This one's quite a changer-upper as this time I'm not writing my own episode but rather giving my own spin on a Family Guy episode that already exists, in this case Long John Peter. Backstory, Long John Peter is an episode of Family Guy I really hate. Not for anything it does in the episode, it's a mediocre episode with nothing to get mad about, but what it wasted. The whole episode was titled after Peter's pirate hijinks, yet it only lasted the first third of the episode. With the real plot being centered on Chris having a love interest with some girl at the Pet Clinic. And I - among others - think the Peter pirate plot could've been the main plot of the episode. And since I feel like I have the tools to write for Family Guy with me running the Family Guy Fanon website, watching tons of the show, and writing a couple of fanfictions. So here's my take on Long John Peter for you guys to see and read!
Also, before we start, this is where I give my usual disclaimer that most close readers of mine already know if you read my past works but for the people in the cheap seats who are unfamiliar to my work and let them know the big changes I will make in comparison to the original series and episode:
#1: This story does not take place in the OG Family Guy timeline, but instead the Family Guy Fanon timeline. As such, events were changed and episode orders were changed. If you want to know the complete timeline of the events place out, you can visit the List of Episodes page on the Family Guy Fanon (it's a mere search away), but for the basics, this episode takes place in Season 5, meaning Peter works at the Pawtucket Brewery, and Brian and Jillian are currently dating. However, compared to the OG Season 5, Francis is still alive, as his death episode was moved to Season 6, and Randall Fargus - who was killed in his debut episode - is still alive as well and has a wife and adopted teenage son. While this is not important to the episode aside from a scene present later on, it's best to have a good sense of certain character places at the time
#2: Francis' personality was changed and tweaked. While he does still have some of his original Jerkass nature in him, it's more toned down and is cooled down. Mostly being because he had character development from Between Sanity and Madness (a fanfic I done in the past you can check out) and
#3: Finally, a lot of the original opening scenes at the Quahog Pet Clinic have been scrapped and reworked. And on that note, don't expect the Chris and Anna sideplot to be erased. It was still existed but will cross over with the main plot.
With this said, just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.
Disclaimer: I don't own Family Guy; all characters and locations are owned by 20th Century Television, Fuzzy Door Productions and the Walt Disney Company.
Without further ado, let us begin…
Family Guy
Season 5, Episode 15
The Tale of Long John Peter! (A.K.A. Long John Peter Rewritten)
[Instead of the usual opening credits, we instead see a mysterious shadowy narrator bring out a book and sitting down on a rocking chair]
Narrator: Gather round, one and all, and I'll tell y'all a tale. A tale 'bout a couple of knuckleheads that got wrapped in the eye candy of life, and a naive guy and retired man lookin' for the return of his glory days coming to encourage them. And ending up getting into so much trouble that their wives get caught up in their web of mischief. And to think it all started with a day to celebrate their dog's birthday...
[As they say this, they opens the book and turns the pages during their dialogue. When they say "A tale 'bout a couple of knuckleheads", he turns the page to show Peter and Francis Griffin in the left and right pages respectively. When they say "a naive guy and retired man", he turns the page to show Seamus Levine and Randall Fargus in the left and right pages respectively. When they say "And ending up getting into so much trouble", he turns the page to show Shelley Boothbishop and Lois and Thelma Griffin in the left and right pages respectively. When they say "And to think it", he turns the page to show Brian and Meg Griffin in the left and right pages respectively. However, the narrator rips Meg's page out of the book as they finish their line and has the camera zooms into the page over the now ripped Meg page, which is a title card reading "Family Guy Presents..." as it displays Peter, Francis, Randall Fargus and Seamus on Peter's pirate car while they were in front of a red background.
It then shifted to the second opening card reading "Long John Peter" with it being on a pirate map being shown in the background.
The third title card depicted Peter, Francis, Randall and Seamus, sailing the rough seas during a stormy setting. With Peter struggling to keep the ship at bay while Francis and Seamus clinging to a support beam and Randall getting sea sickness.
The fourth title card depicted Peter and the crew being hopelessly lost on an island while searching on a map. With Francis and Randall facepalming in Peter and Seamus' stubbornness to admit they're lost.
The fifth title card depicted the crew now digging a deep hole in the island while they completely fail to miss the treasure right behind them.
The sixth title card depicted Peter swinging from his pirate ship to a nearby ship ready to duel with the captain of that ship.
The seventh title card depicts Seamus playing a sea song on his accordion, and annoying the others to no end.
The eighth title card depicted the sea crew sailing fast to avoid the wrath of a pirate crew that stole from and are chasing to get back their treasure.
The ninth title card depicted the crew shipwrecked and floating helplessly on broken wood planks from their boat.
The tenth and final title card depicted Peter, Francis and Chris looking upon a pirate ship with determination.]
[Now then, the episode begins in the clouds as it transitions down to the evening time at the Quahog Acres during a regular Sunday. And goes specialty to Francis' apartment in the building, who's currently in his more casual getup, a yellow robe and some pajama pants and is currently watching 20/20 while sipping some coffee]
Announcer: Tonight on 20/20, John Stossel reports on the crisis in Darfur.
John Stossel: Hi, I'm John Stossel reporting from Darfur, where- [gunshots are heard from the television] AAAAH!
Francis: Ugh, thank God.
[His wife Thelma comes up to him in a fancy outfit]
Thelma: Francis, come on. We're going out.
Francis: Going out? I never heard of us going out tonight. [squints his eyes] What 'ya up to?
Thelma: Don't worry, Francis. It's gonna be fun. We're going to a dinner show.
Francis: Dinner show?
Thelma: They'll serve us food while they put a show on for us.
Francis: Hey, that sound quite fun.
Thelma: Plus, we're going with Petey's family.
Francis: DAMN IT!
Thelma: And we're going for Brian's birthday!
Francis: FUUUUUUUUUUCK!
[Outside of the retirement home, the Griffin clan (Peter, Lois, Meg, Chris, Brian - who's wearing a birthday hat that has the number 8 on it - and Stewie) peacefully listen to "Sweet Caroline" while they wait for Francis and Thelma]
Hands
Touching hands
Reaching out
Touching me
Touching yoooooou
Lois: (as the chorus come) Ah, here it comes, Peter!
Peter: All together now, family!
[However, the sweet family moment that was about to commence is ruined when Francis comes into the passenger's seat and shuts off the radio, disappointing the whole family]
Meg: Awww!
Chris: Grampa!
Peter: We were having a nice moment!
Francis: I hate that damn song. And I hate you having fun.
[While he said this, Thelma entered the passenger row and sat next to Lois]
Thelma: Hi, darlings. Hello, Petey.
Meg/Chris: [still annoyed from Francis] Hi, Grandma/Gramma.
Peter: Hey, Ma.
[Peter starts the car up and backs out of the driveway to hit the open road, with everyone not talking still miffed over what happened]
Stewie: [after a moment] Nothing worse than a case of Neil Diamond blueballs, am I right?
Francis: Ugh, I can't believe we're going to a pirate dinner show just for a dog birthday. It's not like he'll remember it!
Peter: Dad, we've been over this. Don't call Brian "a dog". In my family, Brian's as much of a member of the family as you are. And as a member of the family in my eyes, I want him to be treated as one for all occasions. Including birthdays.
Francis: (sighs) Fine. But I don't know why I'm being dragged here. Who was the dumbass who decided to go here?
Everyone (sans Peter and Francis): You did.
[The realization makes Francis' eyes bulge open]
Peter: You were the one who suggested we go when I gave suggestions of where to take Brian at the meeting weeks ago and asked if you could come along. Quite ironic.
Francis: Aw, shut up! Don't you have some poorly thought scheme of the week to do every Sunday night, you stinkin' drunk?
Peter: Don't you have to get trouble again for hitting another person with your bible for "not being holy enough" like you did last week at the retirement home?
Francis: Don't you have a job where you do the bare minimum amount of work yet still wonder why you have a lousy paycheck?
Peter: Remember the time you got me fired my job?
Francis: Remember the time you burned my bible?
Peter: Remember the time I made you smash your head on the windshield?
Francis: Wha, I don't remember...
[Peter abruptly stops the car, causing Francis to hit the windshield]
Francis: Ach! [gets up and dusts himself off] Okay, I walked right into that one.
Chris: Uh, Dad do you know where you're going?
Peter: Of course I do, Chris.
Lois: Oh? Then how come we've rounded the retirement home five times?
[Peter looks out to see their right nearby the retirement home, showing they have literally gone in a circle]
Peter: Alright, maybe I don't know where I'm going.
Brian: [sighs] I'll get the maps.
Peter: Don't worry your paws, Brian. We won't be needing that again. I bought a GPS to guide us to the location.
[Peter sets up the GPS and turns it on. He then proceeds to type on it]
Peter: Let's see. Enter the number of passengers in the vehicle, and the address of the place, aaaaaaand, GO!
GPS: HELLO, I'M SUSAN: YOUR GPS ASSISTANT. AND YOUR DIRECTION TO: the Pirate Voyage Dinner Theater WILL NOW BE ANALYZED. ESTIMATED TIME OF ARRIVAL IS: sixty-nine minutes.
Francis: Sixty-nine minutes?!
Peter: Heh, heh, it said sixty-nine.
Lois: Susan, if we cut a person from this drive, how long will it take to get there?
GPS: NEW ESTIMATED TIME OF ARRIVAL IS: twenty-four minutes.
Thelma: Wow, that's much faster! But who's gonna be the weak link to go?
[Everyone turns to Meg, who was listening to music on her IPod until she noticed the others staring at her, to which she removes her headphones]
Meg: Uuuuh, what's everyone staring at me for?
[Smash cuts to Meg being shoved out of the car and the others driving off]
Meg: Hey! Dad!
[Meg chases after the car for a bit, but with it going too fast, it leaves her no chance to catch. Back in the car]
Thelma: Think that was a bit rude, Petey?
Chris: Chill out, Gramma. She'll catch up.
Francis: Plus, the faster we get there, the faster I can get away from this family. [Thelma promptly hits him with her purse] OW! What did I do wrong?
Thelma: Everything you just said.
GPS: GO LEFT FOR 200 FEET, THEN TURN RIGHT AND GO UP TO A LAKE.
Brian: Seems straightforward so far.
GPS: THEN, DRIVE ACROSS THE LAKE FOR 5000 FEET.
Lois: Hold up, what?
Peter: Well, if the GPS tells us to do it, it might be working for something.
[Peter drives the car into the lake, which barely is staying afloat. But it then gets cranked to eleven when a crocodile jumps onto the windshield and tries to break through! The Griffins scream in terror.]
Lois: Peter, get that off our car!
[Peter turns on the wipers, and after a few wipes, the crocodile flies off the car.]
GPS: BEWARE OF THE CARNIVOURS CROCODILES THAT LIVE IN THE LAKE.
Thelma: Oh, so now it tell us!
Peter: What else are you hiding, Susan?
[Chris then shows the family a jellyfish he got from the lake]
Chris: Hey Dad, I caught this cool jellyfish from the water!
[The jellyfish then electrocutes everyone in the car and they all scream in shock]
GPS: Also beware of the poisonous jellyfish who attack when grabbed.
[It then cuts to the family, after getting the jellyfish out and making it out of the lake continuing to drive]
GPS: THEN GO STRAIGHT FOR 2.5 MILES.
GPS: Beware that the road is rotting so drive fast to avoid falling into lava.
Brian: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GPS, PETER?!
Peter: I don't know! Maybe it was the fact I bought a twenty dollar GPS at a thrift store?
Stewie: [to Brian] Huh, what do ya know Bri. He ended up fumbling the bag twice.
GPS: After traveling another mile, go straight into the cave on your right, mile through a cave where bloodthirsty bats will try and suck your blood out through any part of your body.
[It then shows the Griffins screaming and trying to shoo away the bats that came in the car that bite them everywhere on their bodies and causes Peter swerve the car left and right and all around until it drives out the cave and drives off the edge and near the Pirate Voyage Theater. Meanwhile, on ground, Meg deports of a transit bus and makes her way to the Pirate Theater and notices the family car nor the family anywhere to be seen]
Meg: [groans] Where are they? They should've been here already since they ditched me.
[Her answer comes when she looks above to see the family car falling down into the parking lot with the family screaming and makes a grand thud in the ground from its fall. The whole family is so scarred that all their color has been drained and their all breathing heavily]
GPS: You will have reached your destination.
[As the family exit out the car dazed, they see Meg completely unharmed from them leaving her behind who grins in satisfaction]
Peter: [clearly annoyed] Shut it, Meg.
[The family entered the theater, and look in awe at the level of effort put for the decoration and theming]
Francis: [whistles] Not bad!
Thelma: Hey Petey, random question, but how could you afford to take us and Brian to this place? Usually you can barely afford to rent a booth for an hour.
[As the family look around, Brian's right ear comes up when he hears...]
Jillian: [off-screen] Hey, Brian!
[The voice is revealed to be Jillian, currently wearing a pirate costume, and walks up to Brian and the family]
Brian: Jillian!
Jillian: I happy you were able to make it here with the tickets I bought you! And happy 8th human birthday!
Brian: Uh, Jillian, a dog year for me is 7 human years.
[Jillian then starts counting it up to correct herself on her fingers until Brian decides to just help her]
Brian: I'm 56.
Jillian: Oh. Well, happy 56th birthday, Brian!
Announcer: Five minutes 'til showtime!
Jillian: Up, that's my call! See you at the show!
[Jillian heads off to get ready for the show]
Brian: See you on stage, Jilly-bean.
Francis: [to Stewie] So, is she like, his girlfriend?
Stewie: Yeah, they've been dating for a few months.
[Beat]
Francis: I'd give them a year.
Stewie: I'd give them until next season.
[The family head to the theater, the family takes their seats with Brian and the kids being a booth bellow the older adults just as the theater dims and the show starts as Seamus Levine, dressed as a sea captain, "sails" to an island and finds a treasure chest at a spot on his map, which makes him hardily laughs.]
Seamus: Yarr! I told ye the booty was buried on Deathtooth Island, 'n wha' a bounty it be. Eh?
[As Seamus laughs some more, the two pirates next to him (one of them being Jillian, but the latter noticably more bored) look at something]
Pirate: [Deadpan] Oh no, Captain Seamus, it's Captain Blackbeard's ship! They must be after our treasure.
[As he says this, Captain Blackbeard - or rather Mayor Adam West dressed as a pirate captain - swings onto the stage and fights with Seamus. Adam West does a left punch, but Seamus avoids it. Adam does a right punch, but Seamus also avoids it. As the fight continues, the bored Francis opens up his eyes not in something awful, but in amazement. He actually kinda liked it!]
[Later on, around the middle or so part of the show, Captain Seamus and his group is now on a ship looking at Captain Blackbeard's ship and the two captians look at each other with determination]
Seamus: Prepare to have your ship boarded, Blackbeard!
Adam West: You'll never get my treasure, Seamus!
[As the ships "connect" via boards, Seamus and Adam West have a sword clash while the former's crew steals from the latter's boat. While this is happening, we cut to see the Griffins - minus Peter and Francis - completely bored out of their minds.]
Meg: This show sucks.
Brian: I know, they're just swinging their swords back and forth. You gotta be a special type of dense to like this as entertainment.
[It pans to show Chris not into the show but instead playing on his Nintendo DS with speakers on]
Brian: See, not even Chris is into this malarkey.
[However, on Peter and Francis' ends, as in the they were completely engrossed in the show as Lois nudged Thelma's shoulder]
Lois: [in a whispery tone] Thelma, I think something's wrong with Peter.
Thelma: What makes you say that?
Lois: He hasn't been touching the food for about half an hour.
[Lois points to Peter's dish, which is still the same as it was when served to him.]
Thelma: That is strange. And come to think of it, Francis has been uncharacteristically quiet since the show started.
[As this is going on, Brian glances at Peter's dish and slowly moves it from Peter and switches it with his already eaten dish]
Brian: More for me.
[Now, around the climax of the show, Jillian is then now on the plank of the enemy ship tied up with Captain Blackbeard as ransom for Seamus stealing his treasure and edging her to the edge of the plan.]
Jillian: Oh no! I'm going to fall into shark-infested water! Help!
[Seamus, staged at a high platform, grab along the rope with his sword in his left peg hand,]
Seamus: Don't worry me love! Captain Seamus will save yer!
[Seamus swings down and jumps off the rope to confront Captain Blackbeard]
Adam West: Avast ye swab!
[Blackbeard and Seamus have a swordfight, with them moving away from the plank and moving closer to the edge of the ship.]
Adam West: (while swordfighting) One Parry! Two Parry! Three Parry!
[Adam West and Seamus continue swordfighting until Seamus swings his sword with enough force to knock Adam's sword out of his hand and send it flying, where it jabs someone in the audience's eye!]
Person: OOOWWW! MY EYE!
[Now defenseless, Seamus swings his sword as Blackbeard and sends him falling off the ship and into the water. After he sees Blackbeard plunged into the water, Seamus comes and unties Jillian from her rope.]
Jillian: Thank you, Captain Seamus; you're my hero.
[She kiss Seamus on the cheek as the audience applauds this, but Peter and Francis are noticeably louder than anyone else in the theater]
Francis: Oh, yeah, go, Captain Seamus!
Peter: ..WHOO! Oh, yeah!-Did you see that?! Did you see that?
[The other Griffin members can only just stare at them (Lois, Chris, Thelma) or cringe (Meg, Brian, Stewie) at their outbursts]
Lois: Peter, people are starring at us.
Peter: I don't care. That was awesome! Not just the food, the looting, the rope swinging, the rush! Dear God, the rush! They deserve all the praise for this!
Francis: And for once, I actually agree with the boy! It totally beats the Sunday Bingo games at the retirement home.
Cutaway #1
[In a cutaway, Francis and Thelma are in their separate table alongside a group of other seniors, waiting for the next number to be called]
Francis: Wait a minute, I hate Bingo!
[Francis then shoves his paper and sticker placer on the ground and exits]
End
[Sometime after the show is over, Brian meets up with Jillian as the cast is meeting up with fans and the guests are walking around the bigger hub of the show]
Jillian: How was I on stage, Brian?
Brian: Oh, you were great out there. Just great. [turns to the Griffins] Hey, I'm heading out with Jillian. I'll be home late.
Jillian: Bye!
[The family bids them a goodbye]
Lois/Meg: Bye, Jillian!
Peter/Stewie: See you later, Brian/Bri.
[The family then heads some time not to long after that to the gift shop]
Lois: Alright family, you can get some souvenirs at the gift shop. Meet back at the car in fifteen minutes and remember [while eyeing Peter] You break anything, you buy it.
Peter: Lois, it was ONE TIME with that pinata! And how was I to know it wasn't supposed to be broken?!
Adrianne Beaky: (off-screen) How was I to know it wasn't supposed to be broken?!
[Peter turns around to see the parrot on a bird stand in a bird cage when he hears the voice]
Peter: See, this bird knows what I'm talking about. Thank you.
Adrianne Beaky: Thank you.
Peter: No thank you.
Adrianne Beaky: No thank you.
Peter: You're polite.
Adrianne Beaky: You're polite.
Peter: You do not see that these days, you do not see that. I like you.
Adrianne Beaky: I like you.
Peter: Oh, thank God. You never know what somebody thinks of you. I'm glad I made a good first impression. Would you like to be my pet?
Adrianne Beaky: Like to your pet.
Peter: Oh God, this is all going so smoothly. What's your name? I'm Peter.
Adrianne Beaky: Peter.
Peter: No way, that's my name. Who's your favorite Brady?
Adrianne Beaky: Peter.
Peter: Mine too! Who's your favorite Saint?
Adrianne Beaky: Peter.
Peter: Aw! What kind of salt do you use when you wanna keep a boner in check?
Adrianne Beaky: Peter.
Peter: Oh my God, we're best friends!
[Peter opens the bird cage and allows the parrot to flap to rest on his left shoulder]
Peter: You're coming home with me! I'm gonna love ya, and feed ya, and even name ya. M-Maybe you can be Peter Jr.
[Lois clears her throat, as if to remind Peter that they already had a Peter Jr. and Peter realizes]
Peter: Oh. Uh, w-we'll think of a better name.
[Deeper in the store, Meg and Thelma look at some souvenirs while Francis heads to the cashier with Stewie his left arm and a pirate outfit he saw in his right]
Francis: 'Cuse me, I'd like to purchase this pirate outfit
Cashier: That'll be seventy-five bucks, sir.
Francis: Ooh. Uh, twenty-five bucks?
Cashier: Fifty.
Francis: Fourty!
Stewie: Hold on, Pops, I got this. [pulls out a gun at the cashier, who shoots his hands up in fear] Make it twenty.
Cashier: Uhh, that'll be twenty bucks, sir.
[With that, the new price was made, and Francis got his costume. The next morning, Chris is at James Woods Regional High School in his homeroom class, doodling pirate sketches in his notebook from the show last night and not paying attention as his homeroom teacher was about to make an announcement with a new student next to him]
Teacher: Attention everyone! I'm here to announce that a new student will be joining our class. Say hello to Anna.
[Chris looks up to see Anna, but his uninterested look turns with his eyes widening when he sees Anna, her beautiful body look and blonde hair. And as she walks down the desk rows to make her way to her seat, she gives a little glance at Chris before sitting down at the back end of the class. With all of this being played in slow-motion in Chris' head. It then cuts to Chris singing a verse of Crazy for You at an unknown place, possibly a karaoke place]
[Chris]
I never wanted any one like this.
It's all brand new.
You'll feel it in my kiss.
I'm crazy for you.
[Cleveland]
Bop.
[Quagmire]
Bop.
[Joe]
Bop.
[Mort]
Bop.
[Chris]
Ahhh... so freakin' crazy for you.
[It then cuts to the Quahog Acres, where Thelma's currently watching CBS]
Announcer: Tonight on CBS at 8:30, Dennis has all he can handle when the grandkids show up with special guest star John Sununu on Trousers. Then on Trust Busters, U.S. steal has gotten out of control and only for regard to Borgard Q. Paraman can break it up if the rubella doesn't get him first! that's Trousers at 8:30 at Trust Busters at 9. Up yours, young people!
Thelma: God, there's nothing good on CBS, anymore.
[As she shuts off the channel, an angry knock on the apartment door is heard and Thelma gets up to answer it. And upon opening the door sees a worker holding a pissed off Francis on the collar of his pirate outfit]
Worker: Ma'am, is he yours?
[Thelma groans in annoyance, knowing Francis must have gotten himself into trouble]
Thelma: What did he do this time?
Worker: Your husband's been getting reports of looting from members of the retirement home.
Francis: Hey! Those reports were made to slander my name! And as a man of God, I'd never steal from anyone. NO ONE CAN PROVE I DID THAT!
Worker: Oh? Then I guess you're going to argue how there are multiple complains, several people described you and what you were wearing quite well, and the fact we have you on camera?
Francis: I was framed! Framed, tell you, FRAMED!
[The employee then holds Francis upside down and shakes him, which makes him drop a sack of all the stolen items he stole from the other people at the retirement home, hosting someone's dentures, cane, and a box with the ashes of one of their passed one. The employee then looks back at Francis, who he now caught red-handed]
Francis: Uuuuuuuuuh, I plead the fifth.
[As Francis see that his excuse isn't getting anywhere, he decides to dig his hole deeper and bites the employee to break free]
Worker: OOWWW!
[Francis then quickly grabs his loot and jumps out a nearby window in his living room, crashing into the bushes below before sprinting off.]
[Peter meanwhile is not any better than his father, as at his job at the Pawtucket Brewery, he's currently telling pirate jokes in the break room - with his new parrot by his left shoulder - and is annoying everyone to know end with a pirate joke/translation book]
Peter: Who wants to hear a pirate joke?
Co-Worker #1: Not me.
Peter: Heh, heh! Yeah, ya do! Here it goes: Why couldn't the eleven year old get into the pirate movie?
Co-Worker #2: We don't care!
Peter: Because it was rated "Aarrh"!
[Everyone in the room groans, except for Fouad]
Fouad: Ha-ha! It's funny 'cause it's a play on words, as "Aarrh" sounds like "R".
Co-Worker #1: We know! This is the tenth time he said that joke! And where the hell did you get that book?!
Peter: It came free with my new parrot.
[Angela then enters the break room and approaches Peter]
Angela: Griffin, I've checked your workarea and there's a giant amount of bird shi-[notices the parrot on Peter's shoulder and points to it] Griffin, what the hell is that?
Peter: Angela, say hello to my new attached parrot Adrianne Beaky.
Adrianne Beaky: Pick a lane, bitch.
Peter: [laughs] Ain't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the Brewery.
Adrianne Beaky: I gotta pee. Where's that Snapple bottle?
[Peter laughs again]
Adrianne Beaky: I had a gay experience at camp.
Peter: Oh, oh. [laughs] We, we, we had the radio on, and they were talking about some goofy stuff.
Angela: Griffin, I don't care how attached you are to that bird, that bird needs to go.
Peter: First off, Beaky's a parrot and second off, no way!
Angela: Fine, Fouad, dispose of Griffin's parrot.
Co-Worker #1: And dispose of his joke book for pirates! That's getting old too.
Peter: Hey, Fouad, here's another joke!
Co-Worker #2: Don't listen to him!
Peter: How do pirates get rid of their trash? They throw it over the arrrr-board.
Fouad: Ha-ha! It's funny 'cause it implies that pirates throw their trash over the "R-board", a humorous way of saying "overboard"!
Adrianne Beaky: Squak! It's funny 'cause it implies that pirates throw their trash over the "R-board", a humorous way of saying "overboard"!
Fouad: Ha-ha! It's funny 'cause he repeated that it's funny 'cause it implies that pirates throw their trash over the "R-board", a humorous way of saying "overboard"!
Adrianne Beaky: Squak! It's funny 'cause he repeated that it's funny 'cause it implies that pirates throw their trash over the "R-board", a humorous way of saying "overboard"!
Fouad: Ha-ha! It's funny 'cause he repeated-!
[Angela, getting fed up with Fouad refusing to get rid of Beaky and how this was getting nowhere, decides to shove both Peter and Fouad into a cannon that she brought out and aimed them towards an open window and fired the two out of it]
Peter/Fouad: AAAAAAAAHHH!
Fouad: [from far out] It's funny cause she got sick of the gagggggggg!
[Back at James Woods High, Chris is putting away his books in his locker when he sees Anna coming down the hallway. He gasps and hides his face behind his locker door as she passes and peaks as he sees her head to her new locker And doesn't notice Anthony walk up to his locker]
Anthony: Woah, Chris. I think she has the hots for you.
Chris: Yeah. Anit she somethin'?
Anthony: Hey, if you think she's hot, why don't you talk to her?
Chris: I wanna, but I don't want to. I feel like I might embarrass myself like I did in my middle school.
Cutaway #2
[In a flashback to Chris at his old middle school Buddy Cianci Jr. High School, Chris approaches a girl named Paulina, who's standing in front of her locker and brushing her hair]
Chris: Hi, Paulina. You have beautiful hair. It would be a shame if anything happened to it.
[Paulina looks creeped out and walks quickly away]
Chris: [softly] I mean, wanna go to the dance?
End
Anthony: Well, that was in middle school. This is high school and with that comes a chance to try again and redeem yourself. I mean you never know if your crush likes you unless you talk to her and be a brave man. Otherwise, you'll be a coward who's trying too hard to impre - hold on.
[Anthony then begins to get into a cool pose on a nearby locker and look aloof as Meg, his crush, comes down the hallway and wants to look cool in front of her]
Anthony: Hello, m'lady.
[She doesn't notice him and continues walking, bumming Anthony out and leaves him to follow after Meg]
Anthony: HEY! GIVE ME A CHANCE! I'M SINGLE!
[Chris rolls his eyes at the hypocrisy Anthony displayed. But decided to follow his advice and walked up to Anna, who was putting away her books and notices him coming to him]
Anna: Oh, hey! I remember you! You're from my homeroom. My name's Anna.
Chris: Um ... Hi, Anna. Uh, my name's Chris. I like to draw and uh, sometimes I have to poop for a long time. Now you say something.
[Anna laughs]
Anna: You're funny, but I bet a lot of girls tell you that, huh?
Chris: Well, the only girl I know is my sister, and she sucks!
Anna: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Chris: Wow, we're having a conversation!
Anna: Listen, I have to get to my next class, but, um, would you maybe ... wanna go out some time?
Chris: YES!
Anna: Great. Here's my number.
[Anna writes her number on a notepad and gives the paper to Chris]
Chris: Awesome!
[Chris then takes out his flip phone and calls Anna's number almost immanently]
Chris: Hey Anna, it's me Chris. We uh, met at school. Uh, when do you wanna go out?
[Meanwhile, Francis sits on a bench pretty far away from the retirement home with his pirate outfit still on and his loot close to him when Peter - after landing from the cannon launch - notices Francis while walking.]
Peter: Oh, hey Dad.
Francis: [looks up to see Peter] Aren't you supposed to be at work?
Peter: Yeah, I got a day off. What's your excuse for being away from the retirement home?
Francis: Err... certain pirate hijinks.
Peter: [chuckles] Look at you, being a pirate rascal!
Francis: Me, being a pirate? Peter, you look like a pirate yourself with that stupid bird on your shoulder.
Peter: This is not a bird, it's a parrot. And it has a name.
Adrianne Beaky: Adrianne Beaky's my name!
Peter: But on that comment on me looking like a pirate, you look like a pirate captain yourself!
Francis: Heh, if I was boy-o, [pirate talk] I'd be Ruthless Francis! The most threatening pirate in all the seven seas.
Peter: Ha! If "threatening" you mean the "weakest". You the same guy I tackled at our Thanksgiving football game and ended up in the ER cause your bones were so weak.
Francis: Well, if you think I'm not threatening, why don't you be a pirate?
Peter: Wait, backspace, backspace! You're onto something, Dad! Why don't we be pirates? I mean you got the pirate looks and personality, I got the parrot and this pirate book full of jokes and translation.
Francis: Being pirates? You and me?
Peter: Sure, after all we haven't really done anything together in a while. I mean the last time we worked together was when we made that
Cutaway #3
[In a flashback, Peter and Francis have finished building an outside barbecue pit]
Peter: [whistles] That's a fine looking barbecue pit.
[It then cuts to show the barbecue pit, but it pans out to reveal it's just part of the box, so we expect the final one to be a disaster. However, when Peter pulls it down it reveals they made a barbecue pit actually close to the box]
Francis: It's actually quite close to the box!
Peter: Goes to show what Griffins can do with some time and hard wor-
[As Peter says this, he pats the barbecue pit and it ends up falling apart in front of the two's eyes and leaves both annoyed]
Peter: Let's just cave in and spend the ten dollars for someone to build it again for us.
End
Francis: I guess you're right about that. But we still know nothing about being true pirates.
Peter: If only we had someone who had the experience of a pirate.
[Then, Seamus who was just idly by a few blocks down hears Peter's line and turns to see him]
Peter: [eying Seamus] If only we had someone who talks like a pirate, has pirate pasts and has plenty of good stories to guide us...
Seamus: Ahoy! I'm that scallywag!
Peter: If ooooooonnnnnlllyy-
[Peter's cut off by by Seamus, who pounced him at full speed and made Adrianne Beaky fly off Peter before he got pounced]
Seamus: I be the scallywag! I 'ave the cutlasses, the pirate natter, the costumes, everythin'! 'Lease let me join yer!
Peter: [laughs] I was gonna pick you anyways, Seamus!
Francis: Hey, it's Captain Seamus from that pirate show! Wait, he's a pirate?
Seamus: Aye. I was quite the pirate in me glory days ... 'til I got in a shipwreck that crippled his arms 'n legs. I had t' use only his mouth 'n pegleg t' construct wooden limbs, usin' the trees 'n broken bits o' galleon on the island I was marooned on.
Peter: Now all we need is someone who get us the supplies for weapons. If only there was a-
[Peter's repeated bit is cut off by Randall Fargus, who pounced on him the same way Seamus did]
Randall: Don't keep me in suspense! I build stuff, I can be your weapon supplier and best pirate tactician!
Peter: And now that I'm thinking about it, we'd make the most unstoppable team! With Francis' bad attitude, Seamus' knowledge of the pirate life, Randall's crafty nature and my ... er ... somthungin' I have, we'll be almost as tough as North Korea when they tried to host the Olympics.
Cutaway #4
[In North Korea, a group of six Korean CEOs are discussing which sport would be good to put them in the Olympics]
Korean CEO #1: Okay, I think we go really good shot at it. We practice one more time. Okay, here we go. We think Pyongyang Young will be good place for Olympic.
Korean CEO #2: Or we kill you with our nuclear weapon!
Korean CEO #1: No don't say that!
Korean CEO #2: What, but it's true!
Korean CEO #3: Yes, but you work your way there.
End
[Back at the Griffin home, Chris skips home quite excited and reaches his house. Where Thelma, Lois and Meg are on the couch discussing a topic.]
Thelma: ...And then he bit the worker and took off with the stolen items. Haven't seen him since morning.
Meg: My God.
Lois: And I'm taking a wild guess you're being blamed for it?
Thelma: Wha? How did you-?
Lois: When your with someone as chaotic as Peter, you're get misblamed a LOT!
[Meg nods in agreement as Chris enters]
Chris: [in a chipper tone] Hi Mom! Hi Gramma! [in a flat tone] Hey, Meg.
Lois: My Chris, you're in a great mood. How was school?
Chris: I don't know, it goes one ear out the other, but the big news from today was that I got a date with a girl!
Lois: Oh my!
Thelma: That's wonderful!
Meg: Yeah, congratulations, Chris!
Chris: Thanks Mom, Grandma and sister who's below me in popularity status.
Meg: Wait, what?
Chris: Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to practice for my date. [pulls out a book] I got a book on how to be proper for a lady.
Thelma: [eyes the book Chris is holding and reads the cover] "Dating for Retards?"
Chris: It was the best book I could find at my school.
[As Chris walks upstairs, Meg gets closer to the stairs to call up to Chris]
Meg: Chris, what did you mean by that comment? Chris?!
[Then, a cannonball gets shot threw the left living room window and hits hard at Meg's stomach, who winces and gets on the carpet in pain. But nobody pays mind as Peter, Francis, Seamus and Randall jump through the window dressed in pirate attire and holding pirate swords]
Peter: Ah-har! Thar's our wenches, Francis!
Lois: Peter, what the hell are you doing?!
Peter: That's Long John Peter to you, porthole!
[Peter laughs, and his crew laughs with him]
Francis: Fetch us five tankets of ale and a leg of mutton for our mateies!
[Francis slaps Lois on the rear]
Lois: Agh!
Peter/Mates: Ah-ha-ha-ha!
[Brian peers his head out the kitchen doorway]
Brian: Hey can you guys keep it down? I'm trying to write my -[notices Peter and the others as pirate] Holy crap, what's going on here?
Thelma: Ugh, Francis is still obsessed in his pirate phase and seems to have dragged more people down his road.
Peter: Ahoy, Brian, come meet our crew. I be Long John Peter, cap'n o' the crew... uh, Long John Peter. We could'nt decide a team name.
Francis: I be Long John's close matey in command, Ruthless Francis!
Seamus: Yarr! I be One-Eyed Seamus, the close crew hand wit' pirate roots leadin' the crew on our robbings. with thee longing t' relive me glory days as the nastiest pirate on the sea.
Randall: And I be Bluebeard Randall! The command in charge with weapon supplies!
Peter: "Bluebeard Randall"? Seriously?
Seamus: Ye couldn't reckon o' a better name?
Randall: This pirate schtick was your idea, Peter. Besides it's my favorite color.
Brian: So, this group made from delusion and lost causes.
Peter: We not a group made from delusion! We are a group following our dreams.
Meg: I wanna be a veterinarian when I grow up.
Peter: [dropping the pirate talk] Meg, we've been over this. You're gonna gain 150 pounds, and write mediocre Ugly Betty fan fiction.
Meg: But, Dad..!
Peter: Meg, that's final!
Adrianne Beaky: Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final.
Peter: Look, even my new parrot knows the truth, Meg.
Francis: 'n ahoy, check it Thelms. We upgraded the car into a pirate car. Complete wit' cannons 'n pirate decals.
[He takes Thelma outside to show her the Griffin family car, now painted black, with a decal with a skull with a crossed out x in bones and cannons stationed in the passenger area]
Lois: Please tell us those are temporary.
[A long beat happens as the four stares at each other blankly]
Thelma: [dryly] They're not coming off, are they?
Peter: At least they look cool.
Randall: Hey Seamus, use ye cannon for a test run [points to Cleveland's house] on that enemy ship.
[Seamus fires a cannon ball at Cleveland's house, using the cannon they installed on the car, and break a hole in the bathroom wall. At the time, Cleveland is taking a bath and the floor for the bathroom goes loose and the tub slowly slides out of the house]
Cleveland: What the hell?! No no no no no NOOOO!
[The bathtub falls to the ground and breaks into pieces while Cleveland is still in it. As he on the ground, Peter and his pirate group come up to him]
Seamus: Reveal yer booty at once, or face the rath o' Long John Peter.
Cleveland: Uh, I broke it.
[As the group continue to harass Cleveland, it pans to Lois and Thelma watching]
Thelma: Think we should intervene?
Lois: No, I know they'll never listen to us. Maybe they get bored of it after a few days...
[A dong sound is heard, which is revealed to be from Brian uses a saucepan and a spoon to make the sound]
Meg: What was that?
Brian: That was the sound of upcoming doom.
Thelma: You gotta stop being skeptical, Brian. I'm sure this will just be harmless fun for the boys.
Narrator: But he wasn't be skeptical. He would reveal to be very, very true.
A/N: And with that concludes the first act of the story. For the reason this episode starts with Brian having a birthday, in the original, Brian started off as 7 years old and turned 8 off screen sometime between "The Former Life of Brian" (last episode to mention he's seven) and "The Man with Two Brians" (first episode to say he's eight). With this continuity, I rewrote the events to be that it took place on Brian's birthday and that he'd be turning 8 in this episode, and it worked out as it gave a good reason for the Griffins to see the show and. Next act, Long John Peter and his crew attack Quahog and Chris discovers love with Anna! Don't miss it!