The Adventures of Dr. Conrad Verner; or, How a Little Dark Energy Saved Christmas
Jingle bells
Saren smells
Sovereign laid an egg
-The Galaxy (probably)
Conrad Verner, decked out in his facsimile N7 armour, stood at the bar of Eternity Lounge, and regaled his hostage with all his totally true, absolutely not made-up, c'mon you gotta believe me stories. He'd been doing this for about half an hour now, and so far, the bartender hadn't punched him once. Yeah, it was going pretty good—and why wouldn't it? He was a pro, after all.
Or…well he had the autograph of a pro. But c'mon, people don't just give those out, right?
Right, so…he was a pro.
"—and so I said to Saren: I'm Conrad Verner, you monster, and I'm not afraid of you! One shall stand, one shall fall."
"Uh-huh," said the mean-looking asari bartender. An asari on the other side of the bar perked up, took one look in his direction, and then bolted for the exit—not that Conrad really noticed.
"You should've seen the look on his face!" Conrad said. "All those geth and everything, but he knew his goose was cooked."
"Uh-huh."
"So Commander Shepard turns to me and says: Conrad—my friend—you have fought valiantly. But now I require you to aid in the evacuation of the super-orphanage."
"Uh-huh."
"I tell you, I was really mad. I wanted to fight! But Shep—that's what we call her, Shep—yeah, she knows me pretty well. Children are my weak spot."
"I know a cop who'd love to hear you say that."
"Anyway," Conrad said, "I rescued all the orphans and managed to kill a few krogan on my way out. It wasn't a big deal or anything—Shep always said I could wrestle two krogan on my own if I really wanted a challenge."
"Uh-huh."
"So I got back just as Shep finished pounding Saren's butt, and once he ran away, the whole crew decided Virmire was a pretty swell place. We even drew up some plans for a cottage there!"
"Didn't somebody die on Virmire?" the bartender said.
"Oh, um, well…I mean yeah but, that happens sometimes, y'know? It wasn't anything major—we still thought Virmire was pretty."
"This before or after the nuke went off?"
"Um…" Conrad scratched at the back of his neck. "Yes?"
"Uh-huh," the bartender said.
Conrad chuckled (nailed it!) and sat down at the bar. It was warm in Nos Astra, but the bar was nice and cool. Shaking his head and smiling wistful smile, he said: "Ahhh, I miss those days. Things are just too quiet on this planet. No offense."
"Seems plenty loud to me," the bartender said, staring right at him.
"That's 'cause you're just a civilian. Y'know, no offense. Uh, again."
"Mumble grumble gripe," said the bartender.
It was then that Conrad's enhanced senses picked up on something. This whole bar…it was…wrong.
"Hey," he said, "why don't you have a Christmas tree?"
"Same reason I don't have any concrete water," the bartender said. "I don't know what the hell that is."
"But it's Christmas! You've gotta have a tree!"
The bartender stared for a bit longer, then went about cleaning the counter, like all bartenders do if left alone for long enough. "I'm gonna take a wild guess and say this is a human thing," she said.
"Um…yeah?"
"So when'd the Alliance invade Illium and snatch it from the asari?" the bartender said. "Because I'm pretty sure I would've heard of that. Bartenders pick up on those sorts of things."
It took Conrad a second to remember what planet he was on. Then the shoulder-slouching began. "Oh…yeah. My bad."
"Uh-huh," the bartender said.
"I guess I just miss Earth a lot."
"They've got these great things called 'spaceships' that'll take you anywhere. Like several mass relays away from this bar."
Conrad slouched onto the counter. "I'm kinda short on credits right now. Besides, I wouldn't get home until after Christmas, anyways. I'd still miss it."
Conrad stayed there, thinking about how there wasn't anything Christmasy around him and how extreme amounts of dark energy seemed to loop space around itself in a way that negated time dilation and also how he hadn't had eggnog in waaay too long, it just didn't feel like Christmas at all!
And then an asari appeared next to him and started clearing her throat. Conrad looked up and saw a pretty blue face staring at him—she looked like a way nicer person than the bartender, he had to be honest with himself, even if the bartender had listened to all his stories.
"E…excuse me," the new asari said. "I…I couldn't help but overhear, but…did you say your name was Conrad Verner?"
Conrad's head shot right up. "Y-yes?" he said.
"Doctor," the new asari said, "I-I know you probably have questions, but please: I need you to come with me. Now."
That…that sounded like someone needed help! Conrad's help! Conrad rocketed up from his barstool and fired off a crisp salute at—judging from the angle of his shoulders—a bunch of patrons drooling over a dancer. A few shuffles later and Conrad was now saluting the new asari.
"I accept," he said.
Shuffle shuffle shuffle.
"And to you, good citizen," he said to the bartender, his chest puffed out like something had crawled into his lungs. "This conversation has been delightful."
"Debatable," the bartender said.
The new asari guided Conrad to the exit of Eternity Lounge, and once they were out of sight, Matriarch Aethyta—the poor sonofabitch behind the counter—finally let out a sigh.
"Galaxy keeps getting stupider and stupider," she said to herself.
(***)
Conrad was led to a windowless meeting room just beyond Nos Astra's Trading Floor—all bustling people and flashing screens—where, to his surprise, two other people were already inside. There was a volus who was fiddling with his omni-tool and a salarian wearing a cowboy hat.
The asari that had led Conrad this way quickly shut the door.
"Guys," she said, "you're one-hundred percent not going to believe who I just found."
The volus and the salarian stopped what they were doing and looked at the newcomer—at Conrad.
"I'll be damned," the volus said. "Are we *skuuush* lookin' at Conrad Verner?"
"I don't even want to guess what the probability of that is," the salarian said. "I could, but I don't want to."
"Hi," Conrad said, having no clue what was going on. "I'm Conrad. I like this room. Shame there aren't any windows."
"Dr. Verner was literally sitting at Eternity Lounge! By the Goddess we couldn't be more lucky."
"Don't *skuuuush* go jinxing us now. Otherwise yer gonna be telling your *skuuush* Goddess a few different things."
"Still," the asari said. "You've gotta admit, this is borderline miraculous."
"A Christmas miracle," Conrad said, still not having any idea what was going on.
"The hell's Christmas?" the volus said.
"A human holiday where people go into debt to show their affection for one another," the salarian said.
"So marriage?" the volus said.
"That joke is older than the Citadel," the salarian said.
The asari stepped in between everyone. "All right hold on—lemme introduce everyone else. I'm Dr. Jiyx T'Peois. To my right," she pointed at the volus, "is Dr. Harro Yit. And closest to you is Dr. Lorban Salzik. We're all either xenotechnology or dark energy specialists, though no where near the level you are."
"Hey," Conrad said. He shook Lorban's hand since he was the closest. "Why are you wearing a cowboy hat?"
"Why aren't you?" Lorban said.
Conrad nodded in agreement.
"Oh shoot I forgot to introduce myself!" Jiyx. "I'm—"
"No, Dr. T'Peois, you *skuuush* already did."
"I did?" Jiyx rubbed at her arm. "Oh, um…sorry. Usually I forget and…um, well I guess it's nice to not be surrounded by Matriarchs whenever xenotechnology is brought up."
"Doin' *skuuush* just fine, kid." Harro turned to Conrad. "Reason Dr. T'Peois is gettin' so excited 'bout you, though, is yer just the kind of person we need to figure out our…*skuuush* conundrum, so to speak."
"It sorta sounds like you should be wearing the cowboy hat," Conrad said.
Harro turned away from Conrad.
"Basic *skuuuush* rundown is: somebody tried to order parts usin' the three've our university profiles. We work in a somewhat…*skuuush* sensitive research field, ya understand, so these profile's had access to what you'd call *skuuush* 'hard-to-find' vendors."
"All the orders converge on Illium," Lorban said. "That would be suspicious enough. Doubly so given what they ordered."
"And unfortunately all our uni administration's have half a million other things to worry about so…so we all sort of decided it was up to us." Jiyx shrugged. "Because somebody's gotta do it, right? Especially when we're all pretty sure we were chosen because…well we think it's gotta be someone building a weapon or something."
"So it's a threat against Christmas," Conrad said, smashing his palm into his hand.
"Not really," Harro said.
"If this weapon kills people on this 'Christmas'—and we don't at this moment know how many people that could potentially be—then, technically, you could call it that without being incorrect."
"Ah'm not sayin' yer wrong, Dr. Salzik, Ah'm just *skuush* sayin' you ain't helpin'."
"Okay but all that aside," Jiyx said, "the reason we really want your help is…well I mean, you're you! Nobody knows more about xenotechnology and dark energy integration than you! We don't know what whoever used our profiles wants to build, but you could figure it out!" Jiyx moved closer. "Can we count on you, Dr. Verner? Are you willing to help us?"
Conrad just smiled.
"Oh of course! It shouldn't be that hard—there are only so many vectors dark energy can be transmitted in before known materials start to experience catastrophic losses of structural integrity." Conrad leaned closer to Jiyx and started whispering. "But um…can we still call it a threat against Christmas? I know it isn't really, but I've wanted to save Christmas since I was a little kid."
"Don't know why yer whispering, Dr. Verner."
"I'm fine with it so long as I don't have to purchase a present," Lorban said.
"And I think that sounds fun! We don't have Christmas on Thessia but, hey, it sounds like a great tradition!"
"Oh, it's all right," Conrad said. "I'm sure the asari have something similar. You just have to find a really nice man who wants everyone to have enough bread and then kill him for it."
Everyone blinked.
"No wait, that's Easter—never mind."
Everyone blinked again.
"An' on that…whatever the *skuuush* hell kinda note that was, let's get down to brass-tacks."
Everyone did just that, and Conrad's smile grew three sizes that hour.
(***)
It really did only take Conrad about an hour to piece things together, which was nice. He could've used some egg nog or cookies or, maybe, everyone could've been wearing Santa hats, but it was all right. He hummed "Jingle Bells" the entire time and everyone seemed okay with it.
There were thirteen pieces in total: five from Jiyx, four from Harro's, and four from Lorban's. What Conrad did is draw a rough schematic of each part and place them into separate categories on the meeting room's big Smart Board ™. Then, after that, his hands and brain took over and Conrad was free to whistle Christmas songs—just like at work!
Of course then the Christmas tunes got a bit boring so he started telling them all about his good pal Commander Shepard. They still didn't want to punch him, which was nice, but he could tell they didn't fully believe him. Which was stupid! He absolutely one hundred percent probably could've survived the Normandy when it exploded. Absolutely probably.
Aww, why'd he tell them that story? That just made him sad. Did Commander Shepard celebrate Christmas? Something he never got to ask her…
"Do you…do you think he's telling the truth?" Jiyx asked Harro, out of earshot from Conrad.
Harro shrugged. "Seen people *skuuuush* hallucinate weirder stuff, tell ya hwhat. S'long as he's right-of-head enough to figure this here thing out, I ain't got nothin' to say."
Conrad, meanwhile, had gone back to humming "Jingle Bells."
When he was done, he took a step back and placed his hands on his hips.
"If you put everything together," he said, "what you have is a Middleton-Freeman magnifier that turns latent dark energy emissions into an oscillating power current. You can excite fundamental particles in a targeted manner without leaving a detectable trail, unless you're looking for any localized red-shifting."
"Mmm, that's some *skuush* good technobabble," Harro said.
"Thanks," Conrad said. He turned to Lorban. "Can I wear your hat?"
"No," Lorban said.
"Aww," Conrad said.
"So if I'm understand you right, Dr. Verner," Jiyx said, "you're saying that these parts, if put together, could turn into a…well an invisible death ray."
"Well…if whoever built this wanted to kill people, then yeah," Conrad said. "Or you could use it to heat up some hot chocolate from a distance. Why? D'you think someone wants to build a death ray?"
"I did, once," Lorban said. "But apparently economists aren't supposed to make those kinds of requests."
"You're *skuush* an economist?"
"Not after I found out only physicists get to build death rays."
"Wait," Conrad said. "Wait wait wait—no, I remember now. We said this was a plot against Christmas."
"Um…yes we, um, did, Dr. Verner," Jiyx said.
"Heating up hot chocolate isn't a threat to Christmas," Conrad said, snapping his fingers. "So you're right! Someone wants to build a death ray."
"Glad we're *skuuuush* on the same page again," Harro said. "Question is: what kinda *skuush* sick mind gets their kicks from doin' somethin' like *skuuuush* that?" Harro looked at Lorban. " 'sides economist, ah mean."
"The market is not yet ready for my genius," Lorban said.
"Hmmm," Conrad said, tapping his chin. "Aww man, if only there was…I dunno, someone who dealt with these sorts of things all the time. Someone I could pretend to be just to get into the mindset of a person living on the edge, fighting death ray people and things like that. If only…if only…"
Everyone stared at Conrad and his facsimile N7 armour.
"I may have a suggestion," Lorban said.
"Let'm figure it out himself, *skuuush* Lorban."
"Being that I am from a short-lived species—no." Lorban stepped forward and pointed at the N7 logo on Conrad's chest. "Human: observe."
Conrad looked down. "What? Oh, that's just my Commander Shepard armour. I mean, it's not exactly like her's because I don't really have boobs or anything, but I bought it because—"
Conrad's eyes lit up. "Oh! Commander Shepard! She deals with this all the time! We just need to—"
And then the light disappeared. "Oh, wait…Commander Shepard's dead."
Light on. "So that means it's up to us!"
Light off. "Wait, but how do we find these people? Who do we even know who they are?"
Harro turned to Lorban. "All right, gettin' a bit *skuuush* impatient ma-self."
Jiyx stepped forward. "Maybe we don't need to know who they are? Not right away, I mean. Maybe we just need to figure out where in Nos Astra someone could set this up."
"Well assuming it is a death ray," Conrad said, "it would have to be placed somewhere that helped the energy oscillations rather than inhibiting them. So that means an open space, but one with some covering so no dissipation happens upwards." Conrad shrugged. "Does that sound familiar to anyone? I'm out of ideas."
It took everyone a second, but then all three of them—all three that weren't Conrad—snapped their fingers and looked up to the roof. Conrad did too just to make sure he wasn't left out on Christmas, of all times.
"The docks!" Jiyx said. "Of course!"
"Reckon we shoulda assumed *skuuush* that from the onset," Harro said.
"Minimal transport time, optimal coverage for an otherwise open space, more time and energy for death," Lorban said. "Efficient."
All four of them fell silent.
"So…now what?" Jiyx said. "Do we…d-do we call the police? Are they…are they even going to believe us?"
"Reckon they ain't got the *skuuuush* personnel to take our lil' tale seriously," Harro said.
"Fools," Lorban said.
Conrad stepped forward, and like a different something had crawled into his lungs, he puffed his chest out.
"Would Commander Shepard? Wait for the police?" he said. "Would Commander Shepard worry about whether people believed her? No! I saw her walk straight up to the Council, without a shred of evidence, and tell them that sentient warships from beyond the galactic rim were on their way to harvest us—because that's what heroes do! They do things even when everyone else thinks it's a bad idea!"
Conrad got up on a table, tripped on the table cloth, fell, then climbed back up again.
"So I ask all of you: are you heroes? Or are you people who think things through carefully and wait for evidence to confirm your theories?"
Everyone blinked.
"Are you asking us if we're morons or scientists?" Lorban said.
Conrad also blinked. "Wait, what? No that's not what I'm asking! I'm asking if you're like Commander Shepard—"
"Ah think we get what yer askin' us, *skuuuush* son." Harro turned to the rest of the group. "Fact is, Dr. T'Peois is right: what we've got ain't much more'n a tale we cooked up *skuush* round a space campfire. But sheeit if we ain't the only 'uns ready to do somethin' bout it."
"So we…don't go to the police?" Jiyx said.
Harro shook his head. "Reckon there's counter tickin' down on us. Might be best to *skuuush* get'n that horse and ride off searchin' for trouble, les' we let trouble find us first."
"I still think you should be wearing the cowboy hat," Conrad said.
"Okay, well…we still need to figure out which dock this thing might be built in," Jiyx said. "I'm um…sort of assuming it's gotta be at a mercenary controlled dock because…well I wouldn't want to mess with the Trade Board. And building a weapon definitely messes with the Trade Board."
"Disgusting cartels," Lorban said.
"I can ask the bartender at Eternity Lounge," Conrad said. "Bartenders have a whole bunch of information. I saw Commander Shepard ask them things all the time. Besides, I think this bartender likes me."
Lorban, Harro, and Jiyx all looked at each other, then shrugged.
"Sure um…sure, Dr. Verner." Jiyx started towards the door. "While you're doing that, we'll…um…pursue our own leads. Meet you at Eternity?"
"Will do!" Conrad saluted (a little too hard since he bopped himself on the forehead). "Oh, um, and while you're out—if you find a Christmas-themed cowboy hat, I think that'd really help. Make me really feel like this is a real plot against Christmas, you know?"
Jiyx stared for longer than she intended before saying, "Um…sure," and leaving. And soon Conrad left too.
He hummed "Jingle Bells" to himself some more and imagined Commander Shepard was waiting for him at Eternity Lounge, ready to tell him she'd been watching him work on wanted him on her team. Sorry for being so late, Conrad! The Spectres just needed to make sure you were ready.
Aww man, if only she was still alive…
(***)
Conrad got back to Eternity and told the bartender everything: how three strangers found him and asked him to identify the kind of weapon that could be built with parts taken from their super secret academic profiles. As he was telling the bartender these things, he wondered if the true meaning of Christmas was spending time with strangers and realizing that, despite evolving in different ecosystems and under different conditions, they were all just wonderous fragments of a great universal truth that hummed brighter and better the closer people became.
He also wondered if anyone had tried to make cookies out of eggnog—like instead of milk? Maybe Commander Shepard would've wanted egg nog cookies, if she was waiting for him at the bar and not dead.
Hey wait, did Shepard get killed because she was too nice? Was that part of it? She didn't say anything about bread and she didn't die on Easter, but you wondered sometimes…
Oh, he was done speaking. Better listen to what the bartender had to say.
The bartender blinked.
"Did you eat something out of the red bowl?" she said. "I told you, that stuff's for the dextro-folks."
"No no, I haven't eaten anything today," Conrad said. "But you remember the asari from earlier, right? That's her! She's the same asari in my story!"
The bartender shook her head.
"All I'm hearing is some B.S about a dark energy weapon from…look, whoever you are," she put down the glasses she'd been cleaning and looked Conrad straight in the eye, "I'm giving you some advice. And keep in mind that I mean it, because if you take it, you'll be hanging around this bar a lot more."
"That's nice of you," Conrad said.
"If I wanted to manipulate somebody into committing a terrorist act, you'd be just the kinda person I'd be looking for," the bartender said. "Hell the only reason I'm not gonna report you is I'm pretty sure you're making all the dark energy stuff up. But you see what I'm saying? Your new friends, they might not all be good customers, if you catch my drift."
Conrad blinked. "They didn't tip you?"
The bartender sighed. "I mean you might be aiding and abetting some nasty people. People who're looking to build something more practical but just as deadly as a 'death ray'."
"None of them would want to do that!"
"Really? That salarian you described sounds like he's halfway to conquering the galaxy already."
"Why would he want to build a death ray? He's wearing a cowboy hat—he's already got everything anyone could want!"
The bartender blinked again.
"Uh-huh," she said. She started cleaning the glasses again.
Conrad saw an asari waving frantically at him from the entrance to the lounge. Oh! Dr. T'Peois! Conrad turned to the bartender and fired off a salute. "I'm off to save the planet, Good Citizen!" He lowered his voice. "Oh, and don't worry—I've pretty much forgotten what you just told me. I won't let it slip that you don't trust them."
Conrad jogged off towards the others, leaving Matriarch Aethyta holding the glasses.
"Me? Worry?" she said, putting the glasses down. She pulled up her omni-tool. "Not like your sole reason for being is to keep the other Matriarch's from killing your daughter. Still, might as well spare some worry for the terrorist act in waiting."
She watched the group leave as her message to her cop friend finally sent.
(***)
"We think we've found a likely spot," Jiyx said. They'd all piled into a skycar and were flying through Nos Astra's many spires.
"Just our luck," Harro said, "best *skuuuuush* dock that matches yer description is *skuuuush* smach dab in th' middle'a Eclispe *skuuush* territory."
"Uh-oh," Conrad said. "Eclipse? I think I've heard of those guys. They tried to shake me down for credits when I landed."
"How'd you avoid giving in?" Jiyx said.
"Hmm, what? Oh, I didn't," Conrad said. "They tried to shake me down and were pretty successful at it. It's why I've only been eating the free peanuts at Eternity's Lounge for a week."
"I want to switch seats," Lorban said, eyeing the general backside-area of Conrad.
The rest of the trip was pretty quick, though, so nobody switched seats. Sure enough, the dock they were heading to was full of yellow uniforms. Conrad gulped.
"Did um…did Commander Shepard not fight against the Eclipse?" Jiyx said.
"Eeep," Conrad said, seeing a LOKI mech for the first time in his life.
Harro shook his head.
The skycar finally landed, and the four of them disembarked into the line-up of people trying to get off the station with a minimum of security oversight. They shuffled just far enough in line that they passed by a makeshift hallway: a tunnel, of sorts, made out of crates and boxes. It looked like it led down into a restricted area deeper into the dock—maybe an administrative area of some sort.
"Looks like our *skuuush* stop," Harro said.
Harro, Lorban, and Jiyx darted out of line and down the tunnel (with Jiyx doubling back to yank Conrad that way, too). A few quiet shuffles and they found a door—and actual door—leading to a real tunnel.
"No doubt this leads to someplace we're not supposed to go," Jiyx said.
"I smell fear," Lorban said. "Fear and administrative bloat."
Jiyx took out her omni-tool and held it up to the door. A bright orange light hit the metal of the door and, after a second, a holographic projection of what was behind the door took its place.
Beyond the door…was yet another door. And a human Eclipse guard, by the looks of it.
"Gonna have to sneak past this feller there, ah *skuuush* reckon," Harro said.
"Why's he just standing there?" Conrad said. "Do guards do that? Just stand there all day?"
"Didn't they do that for Commander Shepard?" Jiyx said.
"Um…n-no no they…they um, usually fired on her," Conrad said. "Because they were super soldiers. Who could…see through walls. So…"
"Fear isn't coming from him," Lorban said. "It is…deeper into the docks."
"Does your cowboy hat let you smell fear?" Conrad said.
"No," Lorban said.
"I…I think I have a plan," Jiyx said. She turned to Lorban. "There are…waaaay way more asari and salarians in the Eclipse, right? So maybe you and I can find a uniform and…I dunno, sneak behind this guy? Maybe get him out of the way?"
"Meanin' me'n Dr. Verner wait here, stay outta trouble," Harro said.
"Correct," Lorban said.
"I-it's nothing personal!" Jiyx said. "It's just…well there aren't any volus in Eclipse. And…well there are humans but they don't usually have a high rank, right?"
"Reckon that's fair," Harro said. He turned to Conrad. "You willin' to *skuuuush* sit tight with ol' Harro here?"
"Oh you're not that old," Conrad said.
That was good enough for Jiyx and Lorban, who snuck off looking for Eclipse uniforms. That left Harro and Conrad, the former of whom took up watch just past the door, the latter of whom sat on his keister and tried not to get in the way.
Conrad was getting a bit bored, though.
"So the volus don't celebrate Christmas?" he said.
"Fraid not," Harro said.
"Oh." Conrad's brain tried to think of another conversation. "Y'know, Commander Shepard didn't take me on every mission with her."
"That *skuuuush* so?"
"Yeah…she'd only take one or two people with her. I think that was all that fit in the tank she drove around."
"Seems *skuuuush* like ya know a thing'r two bout *skuuush* the Commander."
"Yeah…yeah…" Conrad leaned his head back so it was rest on the boxes. "Hey, d'you think Shepard died because she's Jesus?"
Harro didn't say anything.
"Dr. Yit?"
"Gonna *skuuush* be plumb honest with ya," Harro said. "Ah ain't got the *skuuuush* foggiest idea how ta answer that."
"Yeah…yeah…" Oh! New thought! "Hey Dr. Yit, that thing Dr. T'Peois had on her omni-tool. That used sonar and mass effect fields to create that image, right? The mass effect fields imperceptibly excite matter on the other side of a door and the sonar is fine-tuned to note the difference in soundwaves?"
Harro didn't say anything.
"Dr. Yit?"
"You *skuuush* got it," Harro said. "Damn, guy's got one hell of a brain when he *skuuush* wants."
"What was that?"
"Said I *skuuuush* reckon you've built one of 'em devices in yer *skuuuush* sleep."
"Oh no, no, this is the first I've seen one." Conrad stood up. "But, hey, if only Dr. T'Peois left it behind. I think with a bit of fine-tuning, we could actually hear what's on the other side, too."
Harro stared at him. "You reckon that, do ya?"
Conrad nodded. "Wouldn't take long. Just need to adjust the dark energy output a bit. Hey! We could even use it to track down any massive dark energy build-ups in the area!"
"Hmm, well that's got me *skuuuush* intrigued." Harro held up his wrist. "Dr. T'Peois gifted me one of 'em devices before *skuuuush* we left to find you. Wanna give 'er a *skuuuush* go on mine?"
"Sure!"
Conrad took the device and, with a bit of tuning, managed to turn it into a listening device as well. Better yet, he could now detect build-ups of dark energy like it was an Easter Egg hunt! An Easter Egg hunt on Christmas—that was allowed? Right?
"I dunno," the human guard was saying into his communicator, on the other side of the door. "Security's been acting weird today. No no, the people're are—it's not the people. Security system I mean. Call me paranoid—
"I said call me 'paranoid' not…Jesus dude, it's almost Christmas. You can lay off for another month."
"Reckon he's *skuuuush* talkin' to another human, then," Harro said.
"Yeah…" Conrad said. "This doesn't add up. There aren't any rules about what you can say on Christmas."
"Yeah?" the human guard said to whoever he was talking to. "You wanna run that by me again? That's what I thought, tough guy. Keep that up and I'll hit your Christmas tree with an inferno grenade—with all your kid's presents underneath it, too. See how you like facing a buncha disappointed kids."
Conrad's fists closed. His eyes saw nothing but red. His gut hurt but that was because of his poor diet.
"Nobody. Threatens. A kid's Christmas," he said.
"Wait what'n tarnation are ya—"
Harro just got his omni-tool up when Conrad pushed open the door and pointed menacingly at the lone human guard. "Stop. Right. There," he said.
"What the—?" The guard's rifle rose, he pulled the trigger, and with a burst of steam the damn thing spit out the thermal clip like bad Christmas cake. The guard swore and tried to push the receiver in his helmet, but his comm's weren't working either. "What the hell is—?"
"There's a lot of evil in this galaxy that I'm forced to tolerate," Conrad said. "War. Poverty. People who don't wash their hands after using the bathroom. Ballerinas. So you'd better believe, bub, that I'll stand up for Christmas whenever, wherever I can. Because if I don't, then who will?"
The guard stood there for at least a minute, then said: "WHAT?"
And then the door opened behind him, and there was a "clunk," and then Jiyx was standing over the guard's unconscious body with a heavily dented fire extinguisher in her hands.
"What…how? What was going on in here?" she said.
"Is he dead?" Conrad said.
"I d-don't think so but…why are you…why are you here? In the hallway?"
"Dr. Verner *skuuuush* found an openin', I guess," Harro said. He looked at Jiyx and Lorban. "Seein' you two got a distinct lack of Eclipse *skuuuush* digs on ya."
"Too much blood," Lorban said.
"Beg pardon?" Harro said.
"We…" Jiyx dropped the fire extinguisher and pointed in the direction her and Lorban had just come from. "It's…it's hard to explain. Just see for yourself."
They rounded three corners, past an empty security outpost, and down a narrow corridor. That's when they noticed Eclipse guards—frozen Eclipses guards. Except not frozen like they'd been subjected to absolute zero—as from, Conrad would have assumed, an omni-tool based freezing device of some kind—but…frozen in a black inky fog.
Rounding another corner, and they came to a dock—a massive, partially covered dock, with Illium's sun pouring red-tinted light through a thin mesh of dust. But there wasn't any frozen Eclipse in this area, no.
There were only bodies. It was a massacre.
"Well ain't that a right kick'n the *skuuuush* head," Harro said.
"Goddess preserve them," Jiyx said.
"Wow," Conrad said. "Huh…well, I guess since you all seem just as surprised as me, you're probably not terrorists or anything who snuck off to kill the competition when I wasn't looking."
"WHAT?" Jiyx said, rocketing backwards. "What do—where did you get that idea from?"
"Hmm what? Oh, I don't know," Conrad said. "Sometimes thoughts like that just come to me." He held up his omni-tool, now with the brand-new dark energy tracker installed. "Uh-oh, I'm seeing some major build ups in here. I think whatever we're chasing is someone on this dock."
Harro pointed off in the distance. "That *skuuuush* fit the image in yer head, Dr. Verner?"
A large, bulbous device with a long, smooth shaft sat in the middle of the dock, crackling with the tell-tale blue bolts of pent-up, ready-to-burst dark energy. Conrad held up his omni-tool, just to practice safe science.
"Hmm…I am seeing a major build-up over there." Then something caught his eye. "Hey, wait—why's it all covered in bugs?" Then something else caught his attention. "And why are those bug's people sized?" Then a third thing caught his attention. "And why is one of the people bugs on fire?"
"WE ARE ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL," said one of the bugs.
"Assuming direct—?"
Jiyx leapt into Conrad and pushed him into cover as bullets started flying and a bust of yellow energy shot over their heads. Lorban and Harro slid into cover right beside them. Conrad turned to Jiyx to give her an appreciative smile.
"Phew, that was close. Thanks for saving my butt back th—"
"Conrad you're bleeding!"
Conrad looked down at his foot and, sure enough, there was a bullet-sized hole where his big toe used to be.
Calmly, and rationally, Conrad said: "OWWWWWWW MY FOOOOOOT AAAAHAA!"
"Here I brought medi-gel!" Jiyx said, holding it over Conrad's foot.
"AAAAAAHA oh that's much better, thank you."
"Death approaches!" Lorban said, pointing at the device. Jiyx and Conrad ventured a cautious look over cover and—
"Oh shit! It looks like it's already primed to fire!" Jiyx said.
"That's incredible!" Conrad said. "The amount of time it would normally take to generate that level of energy build-up is—"
"Conrad how do we stop it!" Jiyx said.
"Oh, um…we could…" Conrad strained his grey matter, hunted for the clearest, most fool-proof solution to a truly catastrophic, Christmas-destroying problem. "Um…we could try kicking it?"
Jiyx blinked. "Conrad this thing could destroy Christmas!"
Conrad thought deeply again.
"We could try…kicking it really really hard?"
"Goddess preserve us!"
The bullets were still raining overhead and the ground shook with every bolt of yellow energy fired their way. "MY POWERS ARE LIMITLESS," the on-fire bug said.
Conrad bolted up. "Impossible!" he said, pointing at the bug. "Everything has limits! Every thermodynamic system eventually reaches those limits as it moves towards equilibrium! That's just scie—OOOOOWWW MY AAAAAAARM AAAAHA!"
Conrad slid onto his keister as Jiyx gave him another shot of omni-gel. Oh, oh it was hopeless! He could do this—he knew he couldn't do this! He wasn't Shepard. He'd never been with Shepard! Not in combat, only on the stupid Citadel, where she told him she needed his help back home, like that was—like the only way to save the galaxy was to make sure Conrad wasn't around. She probably meant well but Conrad was…Conrad was at his limit for the universe thinking he couldn't…
Limits…waaait a second—limits! That's it!
"I have an idea!" Conrad said to Jiyx. "Cover me—I'm going in!"
"WHAT?" Jiyx said. "Conrad if you're pretending to be some kind of damn action her—DAMMIT!"
Conrad only heard the DAMMIT—not the rest. He was leaping over crates and ducking under bullets and he hoped—he hoped—that the others were covering him somehow (they were scientists they could use science how hard could it be?)
And speaking of science: Conrad was going to have to do some quick, because the death ray device looked ready to unleash a stream of hot death all over Illium.
There weren't any bug people next to the device, so that was good. Conrad hopped over one last crate and there he was, right next to the device. Luckily it had a control panel of some description on it. Boy, it would've really sucked if they'd forgotten that part!
"Equilibrium," Conrad said. "It all makes sense! I can't push this device into thermal equilibrium because of the energy build-up, but I can utilize the second law of quantum complexity to push the device into a complexity equilibrium! I just need to accelerate the process so the device eventually has no more quantum states to explore—including firing a death beam!"
It took Conrad no time at all, it felt like (maybe it was the time dilation having weird effects on his internal chronometer). But the machine started to sputter, then bubble near the tip of the shaft, then—just like that—the crackling blue lightning stopped. The death ray was, um, dead!
"Hey—hey guys! I think I did it!" Conrad said, calling out over his shoulder. Then…uh-oh, something was happening. Something…something not good. The death ray was shifting all weird and…
"Uh-oh," Conrad said. "I think I accelerated it too much. It's resetting to its initial quantum state!" Conrad blinked. "Aww man this is gonna hu—"
Conrad was dimly aware of an explosion, but his world had been thrown into a white void, and dimly aware was the only thing he could manage at that moment.
(***)
The white void was nice—peaceful, even. It was warm but not too warm; you were floating without feeling motion sick. And there was this…presence there, a comforting presence. Like a memory of the first time you opened Christmas presents with your family, or when you saw a kindly man with not much of his own distribute bread to the needy, or…
…or someone else, someone who made the galaxy feel like it could triumph over any adversity, any evil.
Conrad could see this person, floating up above. There was that familiar black Alliance armour, bathed in a light that shone so bright, even in the white void. And above that armour—the Normandy. The beautiful, beautiful Normandy, that Conrad hadn't seen in so very, very long.
"C-Commander Shepard?" Conrad said, as the figure bathed in light descended towards him.
"No," the figure said. "I am not Shepard, though I know of her."
"Are you…are you here to take me to Heaven?"
"That is not my task in this life. I serve another purpose, as we all serve a purpose in our own way. I am here, Conrad Verner, to tell you that it is not yet your time. You are still needed in the mortal plane; you have much good left to do."
"I…I don't get to go with you?"
"Not this time, dear Conrad. That time may come yet, but for you, the Great Rest has not arrived."
The figure began to float back to the Normandy, and Conrad felt himself start to sink into the ground, away from the white void. "Wait!" he called out. "Before you go, I need to know who you are. I don't…I don't want to forget you."
The figure still hovered, but Conrad could tell their face was looking down on them, past the bright light.
"I was once known as…Jenkins," the figure said. "Now, dear Conrad, I must go. This realm still has much need…of the Corporal."
And then the ground swallowed Conrad up, and he found himself—
(***)
—surrounded by familiar faces. Oh! He knew these people! There was Dr. Jiyx T'Peois, Dr. Harro Yit, and Dr. Lorban Salzik. And no bugs! Good, Conrad hated those stupid bugs.
"Goddess," Jiyx said. "I can't believe he survived the blast."
"Regular Christmas *skuuuush* miracle," Harro said.
"Hey," Conrad said, slowly standing up. "That was neat." He turned to Lorban. "Can I wear your hat now?"
"Still no," Lorban said.
"Awww," Conrad said.
Sirens in the distance, and a bunch of police skycars flying towards them. Jiyx got Conrad to his feet and pointed towards the back corner. "There, a back door—go, Conrad! We have officially documentation showing that we're supposed to be here—you don't!"
"B-but I—"
"Listen to 'er," Harro said. "Reckon you've done *skuuuush* more fer this planet than—"
"Just go before you get in trouble," Lorban said.
Conrad hesitated but, eventually, nodded and started running (limping limping oooow his foot) towards the door. "Bye!" he said, as he limped, "thanks for letting me save Christmas with you! I'm glad none of you are terrorists like the bartender thought!"
And then Conrad was gone, through the door, out into a series of hallways that would take him far too long to navigate. Jiyx, Harro, and Lorban, meanwhile, were surrounded by cops, all of whom took one look at the dead humanoid bugs at their feet and said: Not my department.
A senior looking cop approached the group, and Jiyx held up her wrist.
"Tela Vasir," she said, "Special Tactics and Reconnaissance."
"Jondum Bau," 'Lorban' said, holding up his own omni-tool. "The same."
"Harro Yit," Harro said. "I'm…*skuuush* with them, technically."
The officer looked the group up and down, but…the credentials looked legit.
"Guess this scene isn't my problem anymore," the officer said.
"You guessed right," Tela said. "Your office will get a report once the Council's finished filing theirs, understand?"
The officer shrugged and that was that: the police cleared out from the crime scene.
Harro stepped forward, then looked back at Tela and Jondum. "So…" he said. "How'd I do?"
"Fine," Jondum said. "As far as Spectre candidates go, you did an admirable job."
"Especially for someone of your…stature," Tela said.
"Hmph, I can *skuuuush* read the subtext pretty well," Harro said. "So…do your people contact my people or…?"
"Yes," Tela said. "And you don't have to worry about the accent anymore. Nobody'll believe Verner anyways: not if they let him talk for more than five minutes."
"Mmmm, a *skuuush* Christmas miracle indeed," Harro said. Then he, too, wandered towards the back door (and would somehow beat Conrad back to civilization despite the latter's head start).
Once he was gone, Jondum turned to Tela. "You know, Conrad was right about one thing."
"And what's that?" Tela said, kicking at a dead—what she could only assume—Collector of some description.
Jondum took off his cowboy hat and threw it into the wind. "Harro should have been the one wearing the hat."
(***)
Conrad finally made it back to Nos Astra, and thought about heading straight for Eternity again. So that's what he did—he started heading straight for Eternity.
His mind was completely eaten up by the being he saw in the void. So angelic, so powerful…and with a name he knew in his heart of hearts he should have recognized.
Weird. Wonder if it was a Christmas thing? Wonder if Shepard experienced things like that, back when she was dead.
Awww man! He should've asked this Jenkins being to bring Shepard back! That would've been a great Christmas present. Conrad wouldn't have even minded sharing his Christmas wish with everyone else, since the Commander meant a lot to a lot of people.
Conrad figured, though, that his adventuring days were over for a while. He'd have a great story to tell, but you didn't want to get blown up every day of the week, right?
Right, so he'd just settle down and…hey what was that asari doing near that kiosk. Gateway Personal Defense? Huh, she seemed pretty animated. Gateway Personal Defense…
Conrad got closer, and heard the asari say something about a "scum sucking stuck-up bitch who hit her ass with a singularity" when she tried to get some…it sounded like paperwork? Hey that wasn't very nice.
And Gateway Personal Defense…hey, maybe she was a cop!
"Excuse me, miss?" Conrad said to the asari. "I overheard you talking about someone attacking you. Are you a police officer? Do you need help? I'm pretty reliable—I go around solving problems all the time."
The asari took one looked at Conrad and tried her best to hide her smile.
"Oh, ooooh yes, yeah I'm a cop. Absolutely. And I definitely need your help."
"Oh, cool!" Conrad said. "Consider me help, then!"
"Greeeeeat, just terrific," the asari totally-a-real-cop said. "Tell me, uh…stranger. Did you know Eternity is selling red sand?"
Heh, Conrad said to himself, guess his adventuring days weren't over just yet.
Maybe that was a Christmas miracle all its own.
FIN
Yeah, so...I mean Christmas was mentioned a bunch. That makes it a Christmas story, right?
Anyways, thanks for reading folks! Hope it wasn't too stupid of a story (obviously it is a stupid story, but hopefully it's at the right level) and that you all enjoyed it! Conrad probably is a bit sillier here than in canon, but hey, maybe this is what happens when he isn't getting shot or recruited by Cerberus.
Two side notes:
-the "Jenkins ascending to a higher plane" stuff is ripped off from PrimeRadiancy's hilarious "Presidents Play" videos
-all of the "sciencey" stuff in the story is 100% pure technobabble, but, the "second law of quantum complexity" is a real (proposed) scientific law explaining the growth of black holes. Quanta Magazine has a cool story on it. Still goes right over my head, but it's not like fanfic writers are expected to actually understand what they're writing about, right?
Right?
Please god let that be right.