SLACKERS
EPISODE XXIV
HOW MANY GROWN MEN DOES IT TAKE TO BUILD A SINGLE STUPID PIECE OF FURNITURE?
Once upon a time, there were four miscreants who lived normal, happy, peaceful lives. They woke up every morning in their homes, feeling energized, mentally prepared to take on whatever each day would throw at them. They completed their regular morning routines with smiles on their faces, set about living their livelihoods the best way they knew how, and returned home each day to their loving families. They were loved by those families, respected by their colleagues, and admired by those who had the privilege of knowing them.
While they were living their lives, there also lived four douchebags named Mike, Wario, Knuckles, and Mew. They woke up whenever they felt like it, feeling dread, mentally exhausted from taking on whatever the previous day threw at them. They barely made it through what they called routines wearing whatever expression befell them, set about living the closest thing they had to livelihoods, and returned home each day with psyches shattered in places previously unknown to man. They were tolerated by... well, everyone. Barely.
Occasionally, though, three of the group would decide to do something nice for their fourth. Today is one such day, when three have decided to treat the group Pokemon by going to the IKEA of New Donk City in the wee hours of the morning, finally settling on a piece of furniture they felt Mew would like. Ideally, this was supposed to form a loft bed for Mew to sleep on and watch Planet Kanto more comfortably. They've gone on a Sunday, so they've already had to deal with the weekend crowds, but on the other side of the coin, the bar is closed all day. Therefore...
Wario: I can't believe I'm doing this on my day off.
Mike: It's all of our day off, and this is the first time we've done anything on a Sunday in months.
Knuckles: *sigh* I love being retired...
Wario: Fuck...
Mike: You.
Knuckles: *stretches his arms* I rest my case.
Wario: Will you quit bragging for two seconds and help us get this damn thing in the house?
Knuckles: After all the trauma you've put me through in the last few years I'll brag all I want. Besides, 99% of the time you just have Mew teleport everything. A little hard labor's good for you every now and then.
Mike: It does make me a little ashamed of myself that building a pre-cut loft that comes out of a box counts as "hard labor" nowadays.
The guys have been taking turns carrying the heavy box down the street for a while now. It started when Mike and Knuckles, knowing Wario would just complain, volunteered to take the first shift in carrying the disassembed loft-in-a-box from the IKEA to the closest subway station. From the station up the stairs, Wario took Mike's spot. Since they got to the street level, Mike and Wario have been carrying this thing down three blocks.
Wario: How much farther?
Mike: I don't know, I've been too busy thinking about not running into a hobo or something.
Wario: Busy enough not to look around?
Mike: I'm the one who has to carry this thing and walk backwards, dumbass.
Wario: Wah wah wah.
Mike: If I didn't love my Mew so much I'd throw this thing at your head.
Wario: Oh, get a room.
Mike: I already have a room, where's yours?
Wario: Gentlemen's secret.
Mike: I'm going to pretend I don't understand what that means-OW!
Wario has successfully veered the box to steer the backwards-walking Mike into a street light pole.
Wario: Hehe!
Mike: I hate you.
He growls at Wario's shit-eating grin.
Wario: Seriously though, how much farther?
Knuckles: Less than a block. The bar is right around the corner.
Mike: Thank god. My poor arms...
Wario: I'd be more concerned about your feet.
Mike: My feet? What are you talking-OW!
Mike takes a bad step and painfully twists his ankle on a curb.
Mike: Stop doing that!
Wario: I didn't mean it that time!
Knuckles yawns, casually striding behind the would-be furniture movers, whistling a tune and stretching his arms behind his head.
Mike: Can you at least pretend to look like you're helping somehow?
Knuckles: Far be it from me to become a liar.
Mike: Did you... *looks at Wario* did he say that right?
Wario: Uh... good question. How should he have said it?
Mike: He said "far be it from me to become a liar." Does that mean he doesn't want to be called a liar?
Wario: I thought that meant he doesn't want anyone making things up about him?
Mike: Then shouldn't he have said something else? Like "for" instead of "from?"
Wario: You mean "far be it FOR me to become a liar?" That doesn't sound right either.
Knuckles: *groans*
Mike: Then how should it sound? It's really bothering me now.
Wario: Personally, I think he should have dropped "far be it," people just say that when they want to sound smarter than they actually are.
Mike: I guess, but then there's still the issue of coming up with a response. Maybe "at least I'm not a liar?"
Wario: That almost sounds too far the opposite. Like he wouldn't be trying enough.
Mike: But what if-
Knuckles: For god's sake, I'm sorry I said anything!
Mike: Geez. Don't be a diva.
Knuckles: I'M NOT BEING A DIVA!
Wario: Then quit acting like it and do something helpful!
Knuckles: If I hold the door open to the bar for you guys, will that shut you up?
Wario: Couldn't hurt your chances.
Knuckles: Ugh...
They finally approach the bar after a long, tortuous walk, where Knuckles makes good on his promise to hold the door open so Mike and Wario can carry the heavy box inside. They carefully set one end of the box on the ground, leaning the other end against a couple of bar stools. They stretch their arms and sigh in relief.
Wario: It's finally over...
Mike: You wish. We still have to actually build this thing.
Wario: Goddammit, you're right... carrying that thing for over a mile was the easy part, wasn't it?
Mike: *nods* Mmhmm.
The three stand there, arms folded, looking at the box, and making a simultaneous, collective sigh.
Wario: I don't wanna.
Mike: Yeah, I know.
They stare at the box, an identical look of utter dread on their faces.
Mike: Have, uh... have either of you guys ever tried building one of these before?
Wario: Uh... no.
Knuckles: Yeah, once.
Mike: What was it?
Knuckles: A recliner to make guarding the Master Emerald a little more cushy.
Wario: A little MORE cushy? Your entire career was standing there making sure no one took a giant rock.
Knuckles: Exactly. Standing. 17 years of standing in place starts to wear on your legs after a while.
Mike: What inspired the recliner?
Knuckles: Well, twice in a pretty short amount of time, the Emerald was shattered and I had to search for all the missing pieces all over the world.
Wario: Sounds like you were a pretty shitty guardian.
Knuckles: At least I was smart enough to get a recliner.
Mike: But dumb enough to try building it yourself if I remember the story right.
Wario: Oho! So it didn't go well?
Knuckles: ... not really. The box was missing some hardware.
Mike: No it wasn't, you got angry at it and threw the box of hardware off the island.
Wario: Good timing, he was already pretty used to searching the world for lots of little missing pieces at that point.
Mike: Hah! I never thought of it like that before.
Knuckles: How about we just get to work? Mew's coming home tonight, and this thing isn't gonna build itself.
Mike: Wow, I can't believe you didn't punch us for the commentary.
Knuckles: If I punch you, then you'll just complain about being in too much pain to work.
Mike: ... that's fair.
Knuckles groans as he becomes the first one to finally approach the box.
Mike: Need a knife?
Knuckles: Nah.
He rips the box open with his bare (er, gloved) hands. Several pieces fall out and scatter on the floor.
Wario: Smooth.
Knuckles: *groans*
Mike: Shouldn't we find a place to stage everything before we start? There isn't a lot of room right here with all the tables in the way.
Knuckles: Then let's just move the tables.
Wario: So we have to work in order for us to start working?
Knuckles: Shut up and let's get started.
Wario: Fine...
The three move a few tables and chairs to make a space on the floor open enough to work.
Mike: Um, guys?
Wario: What?
Mike: There's enough room here, but... it's kind of impossible to get from the door to the elevators now.
Knuckles: Just step over everything.
Mike: And trip and fall or step on something? No. You know how clumsy I am.
Wario: That's true.
Knuckles: So what, we need to move everything again?
Mike says nothing, instead moving all of the tables and chairs again to make a new construction zone.
Mike: How about this?
Wario: Can't.
Mike: Why not?
Wario: Do you really want to have to walk through all of those tables and chairs every time you have to pee?
Mike: Well, no, but...
Knuckles: *deep breath* Let's just take everything to the stage and build it there. Easy access, plenty of room, good lighting. Work for you guys?
Mike and Wario look at each other, then at Knuckles.
Mike: Sure, why not.
Wario: As long as we pick a place and actually stay there, I'm good.
Mike: I guess we can put all this furniture back where it was now.
He begins doing so, and the other two help. Of course, now they don't have a direct route to the stage. This is mildly annoying, but not enough for someone to throw a tantrum. They begin moving the pieces that had fallen to the floor over to the stage floor, followed by the box and its remaining contents. They carefully put all the largest pieces together in one corner, smaller ones in another, and all the hardware pouches conveniently in the center. They are ready to work.
Mike: Uh, guys?
Almost.
Wario: Now what?
Mike looks at them, then around the room for some reason.
Mike: We don't have any tools.
Knuckles sighs and slowly rotates his neck.
Wario: Oh for Christ's sake... Mike, I thought you kept a bunch of tools somewhere here?
Mike: Well, yeah... I just, um... I can't remember exactly where.
Knuckles puts his hand to his forehead, rubbing the headache away.
Knuckles: They're in the storage closet by the back door, genius.
Mike: How did you know that?
Knuckles: You used them once because you wanted to fix a broken bar stool yourself instead of having Mew using his powers.
Mike: Really? That doesn't sound like me...
Knuckles: You were about two and a half cases of beer in, Wario was insulting your masculinity, and you decided you wanted to fix the stool yourself so you could prove you weren't totally useless as a handyman.
Mike: Part of me wants to ask how that turned out, but the rest of me knows better.
Knuckles: And all of me is going to tell you how you wound up in the hospital because Wario pushed you onto the upturned stool and you went to the hospital with a bar stool leg up your-
Mike: OHHHH YEAH, I REMEMBER NOW. THANK YOU.
He vaguely remembers his butt hurting for a few weeks a number of years ago, but not much more than that. I can't say I blame him for his response. I'm sure you wouldn't want to be reminded of something like that, especially in front of someone like Wario.
Mike: Um... where were we?
Knuckles: Tools?
Mike: Oh, right, tools, yeah, of course.
He walks to the storage closet in question, a fairly small room that was clearly designed to house a small amount of cleaning supplies. Definitely not enough for everything that would eventually wind up in there. So it comes as very little surprise when he opens the door and he's instantly covered in piles of junk like something out of a 1950s Warner Bros cartoon.
Mike: I thought I told you to go through the closet, Wario.
Wario: I did!
Mike: Really.
Wario: Yeah, like five years ago. You've just been piling more shit in there ever since.
Mike: Ugh...
He starts sorting through the pile, determined to find the tools he needs.
Mike: *sigh* Where's Mew when I need him... wait... guys?
Wario: What?!
Mike: What kind of tools are we looking for?
Knuckles grumpily snatches the instruction book and combs through it. After about two minutes of looking, Wario walks up to him.
Wario: You forget how to read?
Knuckles: I can't make sense of this, there's no words or anything, just pictures. It's like building a Lego set.
Wario: I mean... they do that on purpose to make it easier.
Knuckles does a double take of the first few pages of the instructions.
Knuckles: Am I just stupid or something?
Wario: I...
Knuckles: Don't answer that.
Shockingly, he doesn't. Instead, he calmly takes the book from Knuckles and flips back to the first page.
Wario: Okay, easy. We need a common and a Philips screwdriver.
Mike: Right, a common Philips...
Wario: No. A common AND a Philips. That's two different screwdrivers.
Mike: Then why'd you say a singular "screwdriver?"
Wario: Because I... ugh, forget it. I'm not doing this again.
He tosses the book over his shoulder and stomps over to Mike by the closet, where he begins angrily rifling through everything until he comes across a dirty magazine. Wario looks embarrassed, but we can't tell if it's for himself, or one of the others. He decides it'd be a good idea to start pointing fingers.
Wario: Alright fellers, two questions.
Mike: If we threw a rock at you, would it be considered a moon?
Knuckles: Are there any more karaoke videos of you on YouTube?
Wario: ... no. First, whose dirty magazine is this, and second, who the hell still reads dirty magazines when we've got smartphones?
Mike: Well then that rules me out. You guys know how nerdy I am.
Knuckles: You watch porn on your phone?
Mike: There are two kinds of men in this world. Those who have watched porn on their phones, and liars.
Wario: Yeah! You don't?
Knuckles: Why are you so interested? Besides, you seem like you'd be the most likely to have a dirty magazine here.
Wario: Even if it was mine, why would I bring one to work? Unless I lived in this building...
Knuckles: Ah, that's a good point.
They look at Mike.
Mike: It's not mine!
Knuckles: What's even in it?
Wario: ... I can't tell. Half of the pages seem to be glued together.
Knuckles: Gross.
Mike: How about we all agree it's either Wolf's or Mew's so we can move on already?
Wario: Sounds like something a guilty person would say.
Knuckles: He who smelt it dealt it.
Mike: Oh yeah? Well he who denied it supplied it!
Knuckles: He who started it farted it.
Mike: He who is the liar ignited the fire!
Knuckles: He who articulated it particulated it!
Mike: He who refuted it tooted it!
Knuckles: He who crafted it wafted it!
Mike: He who plucked it fucked it!
Knuckles and Wario stare at Mike.
Mike: Did I say that out loud?
Wario: You are a seriously weird guy, you know that?
Mike: Of course I am. I'm friends with you.
Knuckles snickers. Wario gives up on salvaging this conversation and continues to dig through the pile. I guess you'll never know who the magazine really belonged to. I mean, I do, but no one else ever will. Being a writer is fun. Hehe. Anyway, Wario digs a little more until he comes across a small toolbox.
Wario: There you are.
He takes the box over to the stage, where he opens it up, revealing the shiniest hand tools he's ever seen.
Wario: These have clearly gotten a lot of use. Look how clean they are.
Mike: I know! I take care of my stuff.
Wario: That's not what I... you know what, never mind.
A little disappointed that the joke flew over his head, Wario takes the appropriate screwdrivers.
Wario: Alright, let's see those instructions.
Mike: Why do you get to hold the instructions while Knuckles and I have to do the work?
Wario: Because Knuckles already tried and couldn't make heads or tails of it, and you'll just glue the pages together.
Knuckles: We all know that wasn't glue.
Mike: It wasn't?
Wario: No, it wa-Jesus, Mike, if you're that desperate to cover yourself up, you've gotta put in more effort than that.
Mike: But I really have no idea what you're talking about! I mean it!
Wario: Okay, so that means you're too stupid to read these.
Mike: Then you do it! Since you're such a genius. Go ahead and tell us the first step.
Wario: That's easy! Hm...
He studiously studies the instructions (yeah I used two variations of the same word in one sentence, deal with it).
Knuckles: Well?
Wario: Don't get your pants you don't wear in a knot, I'm just making sure we're doing this right.
Knuckles: Either that or you can't make any sense of it either.
Wario: You wanna try again, since you apparently know everything?
Knuckles: With pleasure.
He takes the instructions, sits on the floor, and reads the first few pages to get a feel of what they need to do. He then flips back to the first page.
Knuckles: Awesome. I think I've got it. I'll let you guys know what to do while you do the assembly.
Wario: I think not!
Mike: War, we've been at this for a long time already and we haven't even started. It's the first lead we've got. The sooner we start, then the sooner we finish, and the sooner we can get drunk and play Smash Bros.
Wario: *grumbles* Fine...
This arrangement is actually mildly successful for some time. With Knuckles in charge, he's able to get away with reading from a little book while Mike and Wario begin assembling Mew's new loft. Frustrations have been only mild so far, with the occasional wrong piece being grabbed, the wrong peg being hammered into the wrong hole, or the wrong screw going into the wrong screw hole. The guys just seem to be having a hard time getting things in holes today, I guess.
Eventually, Mike and Wario are beginning to realize Knuckles has no intention of swapping roles, an observation made obvious by Knuckles sitting against a wall, his legs crossed and outstretched.
Wario: Hang on, who put him in charge during this whole thing?
Mike: Hey yeah... Knux! When are you gonna start working?
Knuckles: We already tried that, remember? You guys are hopeless supervising.
Wario: Aha! I knew it! "Supervising!"
He stomps over to Knuckles and snatches the book.
Knuckles: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Wario: My turn, bitch.
He kicks Knuckles.
Wario: Get back to work!
Knuckles: You sure you want to be getting on my bad side right now?
Mike: Come on, he won't stop until we indulge him at least a little bit.
Knuckles: *groan* Fine...
Knuckles walks over to Mike, and initially the bar owner is actually very grateful. Knuckles has an eye for an attention to detail that neither he nor Wario possess. Before they know it, the frame of the loft is finally beginning to take shape.
Mike: Who'd have thought Wario was actually suited to the role?
Knuckles takes a large piece and prepares to fasten it to their project, but before he calls out for any hardware or tools, he finds himself having to do a double-take. Then a triple.
Knuckles: Whoops.
Mike: Now what?
Knuckles: We put the brace on backwards.
Mike: ...
Knuckles: ...
Wario: ...
Mike: You mean that piece we put on like 20 minutes ago that we've already drilled a bunch of parts to?
Knuckles: Yep.
Mike: How the hell did you not notice that?
Knuckles: Don't get pissy with me, WARIO is the one calling out the instructions!
Wario: Oh don't go blaming your screwup on me!
Mike: Does that mean we have to go back a bunch of steps to put the brace on right and start over from there?
Knuckles: Yep.
Mike: Goddammit.
Wario: You know what they say, haste makes waste!
Mike takes a heavy wood panel and smacks the back of Wario's head with it.
Wario: Ouch!
Wario pokes Mike's eyes, and he winces in pain. Mike retaliates by chucking a hammer at Wario, hitting him in the nose.
Knuckles: Guys, knock it off.
Wario gets in Knuckles' face.
Wario: Woobwoobwoobwoobwoobwoobwoob!
Knuckles: Oh, a wise guy, eh?
Knuckles grabs Wario's nose and slaps his own hand. Finally Mike, having just returned from the bar, throws water at both of them.
Knuckles: What's the big idea?
Mike: You guys needed to cool off.
Knuckles reaches out and punches them both with each fist before slapping their faces.
Knuckles: Alright, we done here? Let's get back to work already.
They duly return to the arduous task at hand, and sure enough, Knuckles and Mike have resumed undoing many of their previous steps while Wario "studies" the instructions. This lasts for a few minutes until Knuckles notices Mike angrily twisting a screw.
Knuckles: Having some trouble there?
Mike: This damn screw won't come out.
Knuckles: Are-
Mike: If you ask me if I'm turning the screw the right way, or if I'm using the right screwdriver, or if I charged anything, or anything else that is equally stupid, I'm going to shank you.
Knuckles: I... I was just going to ask if you're okay.
Mike groans, angry with himself, and twists harder. The screwdriver pops off the screw and leaves a huge scratch in the panel.
Mike: Goddammit! Wario, take over, it's my turn!
Wario: Fine. Let a real man show you how it's done.
Wario struts to the construction site, passing Mike and handing him the instructions in the meantime. Shockingly, he and Knuckles are working extremely well together.
Knuckles: Dammit Wario, hold that beam straight!
Wario: I am holding it straight!
Knuckles: Holding it straight doesn't mean consistently losing your grip.
Mike sighs and rubs his face hard.
Mike: Look... we've already been at this for a long time, and we can't be much more than halfway through...
Wario: I mean, it's not like we aren't doing our best.
Mike: Really?
Wario: Sure. This kind of thing takes time and it's never as easy as you think it's going to be when you're starting.
Mike murmurs a little, and soon starts staring into space. Knuckles finishes fastening a peg to the base of the loft, then takes a look at the guy who's supposed to be calling out instructions.
Knuckles: You alive over there?
Mike doesn't acknowledge him.
Knuckles: Helloooooo?
This snaps him out of it, as he blinks rapidly and shakes his head.
Mike: Huh? Oh, yeah. Sorry. Hang on.
Wario: Everything okay up in there?
Mike: Yeah, sure. All good.
Knuckles: You sure?
Mike: Well... this is probably just me, but does something feel...
Knuckles: Cold?
Wario: Sexually tense?
Knuckles: The fuck?
Mike: No, god no. Nothing like that. I meant... does something feel... I don't know, off?
Knuckles: What do you mean?
Mike: I mean, none of this feels right. Usually when we're all together we're working toward something.
Knuckles: Well, yeah, did you forget we're building Mew a loft?
Mike: Yeah, obviously, but I feel...
Knuckles: Uneasy?
Wario: Sexually tense?
Knuckles: Dude...
Mike: Strange.
Knuckles: You know, now that you mention it, this whole thing does feel a little unsettling.
Wario: Guys, we're putting together furniture. FURNITURE. Think about all the strange things we've done together in the past. This is the most normal thing we've probably EVER done in our lives. Knuckles, you spent your life protecting a gigantic crystal so your floating island wouldn't succumb to gravity. And Mike, you made your first living on capturing and training strange little creatures. We should be grateful that our biggest foe right now is an IKEA instruction manual. You seriously want to start wishing for all the life-threatening, transmogrifying bullshit we've had to suffer through?
Knuckles raises an eyebrow and stares at Wario.
Knuckles: So badly do I hate how much I actually agree with you.
Wario: Not to mention all the sexual tension I'm putting up with.
Knuckles: Okay, now I just hate you in general.
Wario: Why should today be any different? Besides, I know for a fact you don't actually hate me.
Knuckles: Oh, really?
Wario: Really. If you hated me, then why would you be here all the time? Why would you actually volunteer to spend time with me and help me with things like this?
Knuckles: Well...
Wario: Face it, knucklehead. You like me. You find me interesting.
Knuckles: You're full of shit.
Wario: No, I'm calling you out. You've needed a good calling out for a long time. You always try to come off as this gruff, mysterious lone wolf, but you can't get enough of the company. You think I'm interesting enough to hang out with me on many, many occasions over nearly a decade.
Knuckles: Well, I find you entertaining in the sense that you're just too easy to rip on.
Wario: You're not actually that toxic, Knuckles. You're a cynical asshole because you spent years and years coping with being lonely while you were Angel Island's guardian. You're making up for it by spending your time with interesting people. The problem is you have always needed to put up an image of someone who isn't to be screwed around with, and even though you're not a guardian anymore, you still feel this intrinsic need to prove to everybody that you don't need anybody.
Mike: ... what in the actual fuck is happening here?
Wario: You're not cool, you're not mysterious, you're not a loner, and you're not very nice. Hanging around with us reminds you that there's life outside of your island, and you love it. And deep down, like, WAY deep down, there's a part of you that loves us too.
Knuckles: ...
Mike: ...
Knuckles: So exactly how long ago did you decide you were going to completely psychoanalyze me?
Mike: I'm starting to think he might've been onto something with the "sexual tension" cracks...
Knuckles: What about you, Mihalis? You got anything you want to add? Since this apparently a free for all.
Mike: Why the hell are you calling me Mihalis?
Wario: Maybe because that's your name, dipshit. He asked you a question.
Mike: You're speaking for Knuckles now? I ask again, what in the actual fuck is happening?
Knuckles: Wario suddenly decided he wants to be Dr. Phil.
Wario: No, Wario is getting tired of you guys being so goddamn fake all the time.
Mike: Why are you talking about yourself in third person?
Wario: My point is this has been a long time coming. He's calling you Mihalis because now that I've completely dismantled his personality, he's suddenly feeling extremely insecure around us, and he's afraid of what other skeletons we might dig up from his closet.
Knuckles: I'm fully convinced now that it's only a matter of time before you actually grow a pussy and a pair of boobs.
Wario: And I've already started on the boobs. Yeah, I get it.
Knuckles raises his eyebrows, amazed that Wario beat him to his own comment.
Knuckles: Seriously, where is all this coming from?
Wario: It's coming from a guy who's had enough of being your personal punching bag. Every time you come over it's "Wario's fat" or "Wario's stupid" or "Wario's whipped" or "Wario's ugly." What does all of that actually do for you, hm? Answer me that, Knuckles. What do you actually gain from constantly ripping me to shreds?
Knuckles: Dude, you seriously need to knock off this whole oversensitivity thing. It's not like I'm actually being an asshole to you just for the sake of it. You've always been the instigator. If I had a dollar for every time you said or did something stupid, I'd be able to buy your share of the bar.
Wario: Is it really necessary to constantly point out behaviors you consider stupid? You're the one who's full of shit. You are an asshole, Knux.
Mike is simply sitting there bewildered.
Knuckles: You really think I'm that much of a complete prick?
Wario: YES.
Knuckles blinks so fast his eyes might as well be strobe lights. He turns to Mike.
Knuckles: Am I really that much of an asshole?
Mike: I'm just gonna say this. I love both of you guys. I really do. And it's out of love I beg you to keep me out of whatever the hell this is between you two.
Wario: See? At least he knows when to admit how he actually feels about someone!
Knuckles: I am so unbelievably creeped out right now.
Wario: Good. You're long overdue for a good freakout.
Mike looks at the instructions and scratches his head.
Wario: Something on your mind?
Mike: Uh… no?
Wario: Liar.
Mike: Guess I know why I was feeling off earlier. I'll be honest, Wario. I had no idea you harbored so much resentment.
Knuckles: I'll say.
Mike: I'm sure I'll regret asking, but… what about me?
Wario: What about you?
Mike: I mean, do you have any longstanding problems with me?
Wario sighs as he thinks of his answer.
Wario: Not really. For a while though, sure. Everyone we know has had a problem with you at some point or another.
Mike: Gee, thanks.
Wario: But for what it's worth, I've noticed you've been trying to improve for your own sake. You're still a sour, moody, miserable bastard, but that's not all of who you are anymore. I've been seeing the Mike I knew as a kid resurfacing more. The one who didn't take shit from anybody but was incredibly loyal to his friends.
Mike: Um… thanks, I think?
He ponders.
Mike: I guess we've been focusing on me a lot, what with the Sakura and Giovanni incidents. I can't remember the last time we focused on how you were feeling, War. I think I owe you an apology.
Wario: *sincerely* Forget about it. I think I've said my piece at this point.
Knuckles: Might as well get everything else out while you're at it so we can focus on getting back to work.
Wario: Actually, there is one more thing. Then I'll be good.
Knuckles: What's that?
Wario takes a deep breath, then punches Knuckles in the face, hard enough to send him into the unfinished loft and knocking the whole thing over.
Wario: Ahh, that was sweet. Now I'm good!
Knuckles: What the hell is wrong with you?! Now we have to start over!
Wario: Calm down. We don't have to start over. We just have to go back a few steps.
Wario takes the instructions from Mike and flips back a few pages.
Wario: Oh wait, we do have to start over.
Mike and Knuckles glare at Wario.
Wario: Hey, for the record, I never claimed to be a genius!
Knuckles: Let the record show accordingly.
Mike: Yep.
With their weird little therapy session concluded, the guys build the loft back to where they had left off before the punch, and make a substantial amount of progress. Of course there is still a bit of frustration and some mild finger-pointing, but they're able to complete the loft enough to where it has been topped out and can be stood up to look like an almost-complete piece.
Wario: So far so good!
Knuckles: Yeah, Mew is gonna love this.
From a distance, Mike examines the whole thing top to bottom. The others notice his eyes going up and down repeatedly, looking more concerned with each take.
Mike: Um, guys?
Wario: What?
Mike: It's crooked.
Knuckles: What do you mean it's crooked?
Mike: I mean the whole thing is leaning to the left.
Knuckles: Huh?
He walks over to Mike to take in the same view. He then groans loudly and roughly slides his hand down his face.
Knuckles: Oh, goddammit.
Wario: Shit. We were so close. Can't we stabilize it by adding some height to one of the legs?
Knuckles: Nope. We used one of the shorter beams for one of the legs. We're gonna have to replace it.
Wario: Seriously? We'll have to take so much apart and go back, like, 20 steps!
Knuckles: All the more reason to get started.
Wario: Ugggghhhhhhhh…
More signs and groans ensue as the guys carefully deconstruct their crooked loft, making their way back to the step necessary to make their correction.
Wario: Whew. Alright, so what do we do to fix this thing?
Mike: Let's see...
He finds the appropriate page and studies it.
Mike: Okay, so we need to replace the beam you just removed with one of the longer ones. It has to be the same length as the other three support beams.
He looks over to his right to find the missing culprit.
Mike: There.
He reaches for it and hands it to Wario and Knuckles.
Knuckles: Thanks.
He hands the beam to Wario, whom holds it in place while Knuckles fastens it with the appropriate hardware and screwdriver. He then stands up the skeletal loft to make sure it's stable, and it is.
Knuckles: That's more like it.
From there, they repeat all the instructions they'd just had to undo, almost bringing them to the point where they had left off when they discovered the slant.
Wario: Hey Mike?
Mike: What's up, War?
Wario: Can I ask you a question?
Mike: Sure dude.
Wario: This is something I've wanted to know for a really long time...
He listens intently.
Wario: What do you see in her?
Mike: I'm sorry?
Wario: Misty. What do you see in Misty?
Mike: You're asking me that now even though you've known her for nine years?
He is clearly uncomfortable.
Wario: Well, yeah. I mean, on the surface, it seems like she's always chewing you out, and she's got a wild temper. If it were me I don't think I'd be able to handle that.
Mike sets the instructions down and adjusts his sitting position.
Mike: Well... I think it comes down to time and loyalty above anything. And experience. We first hooked up when we were pretty young and neither of us had done anything with anyone before. Now we've been able to share a lot, and we've seen the whole world together. And the anger is something I take in stride because, on the other side, she's very no-bullshit. What you see and hear is what you get.
He rolls his neck in an attempt to pop it.
Mike: Plus, I dare anyone to be with the same girl for 20 years and have her look just as sexy as she did when they first met.
Wario: I don't know, man. I feel like I'd get fed up of that many years of nagging. I'll admit she's not bad looking by any measure, but for me the trade-off is pretty substantial. I've seen the way she talks to you sometimes, and it pisses me off.
Mike: I get where you're coming from, but when Misty is in one of her sweet moods, she's amazing. I appreciate you getting pissed on my behalf, though. I'll admit it's been hard sometimes.
Wario: You mean, besides the fact that she's like nine months pregnant and ready to pop any day now?
Mike: ... yeah, super pregnant Misty is about what you'd expect. God bless her.
Knuckles groans, stands up, and heads for the bar.
Mike: What are you doing?
Knuckles: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm getting a drink.
He pours himself a glass of wine. Mike and Wario look on curiously.
Mike: Yeah... hey, yeah! That's it! All we need is to get a good buzz going, then finishing this damn loft will be over in a flash!
Wario: Good thinking, Knuckles.
Knuckles: Uh huh.
Mike leaps up, displaying a miraculous boost of energy and morale, and walks over to his bar, where he pours two tall beers, one for him and one for Wario. Wario follows suit and takes one of the tallboys.
Mike: Well, cheers?
Knuckles: Sure, why not.
They toast their glasses and each take a swig before collectively sighing in relief.
Mike: Ahh... much better.
Wario: You're telling me.
Knuckles: Anyone would feel better with this after the day we've been having.
They all sit at the bar awkwardly, the only sounds heard being the industrial air conditioner and the occasional sip or gulp.
Mike: Hey Knuckles?
Knuckles: Mm?
Mike: How are things going with Rouge?
Knuckles: Fine.
Mike: You sure?
Knuckles: Yeah.
Wario: Well, you haven't brought her around in a long time. And she was pretty cool.
Knuckles: Why do you guys care? It's not like we're dating or anything.
Mike: You're not? I thought you spent Valentine's Day together in Mount Moon last year?
Knuckles: Sure, but it wasn't like that. We were just hanging out doing something we both enjoy.
Mike: I never asked how that went after the whole Jessie/James thing.
Wario: Oh Jesus...
Wario polishes off his first beer and immediately goes for the next after hearing those names.
Knuckles: Speaking of Team Rocket... have you heard anything from that area?
Mike: No.
Knuckles: Really?
Mike: Yes.
He mimics Wario's behavior and goes for his second.
Wario: So nothing's happened since you and your mom went to go help Mewtwo?
Mike: No. *drinks* Well...
Wario: Well what?
Mike: Well, he... did show up on my balcony shortly after.
Knuckles: He what? How the hell did he pull that off?
Mike: I don't know, and I don't really care.
Knuckles: Well, what did he say?
Mike chugs the entire second glass and pours his third.
Mike: He said he broke the team up and he tried acting all sorry and shit for everything.
Knuckles: You mean he was apologizing?
Mike: I believe he believed he was apologizing. I mean, shit, he almost killed my mom. And this being over thirty years after abusing her and knocking her up just for Team Rocket's sake. I don't care that he said he loves me, there's no room for that jackass in my life!
Wario and Knuckles spit out their drinks in shock.
Wario: He said WHAT?!
Knuckles: Isn't... isn't that a good thing?
Mike: It's nauseating. It's like getting a love confession from Eggman.
Knuckles: Gross.
Wario: Mike, don't kill me for saying this, but if you only listened to him when it was convenient for you, then aren't you just repeating one of his patterns?
Mike: Don't compare me to Giovanni, Wario.
Wario: I'm not. I know it's the beer talking, but I'll be honest, I'm jealous.
Mike: Jealous?! Did you spike your drink with methamphetamine or something?
Wario: No. Don't worry, I'm never doing that again. My ass still hurts. Almost as badly as yours the last time you tried being a handyman.
Mike: You're never going to let me live that down, aren't you?
Wario: Look, just hear me out, Mike. My dad died a long time ago, and you know what? I miss him. I'm man enough to admit that. From what you've described, your dad seems to really be trying to make things right with you.
Mike: Your dad was hysterical and smarter than he acted. He was awesome, that's the difference. Giovanni killed innocent people and Pokemon, stole the livelihoods of thousands of trainers, enslaved Mewtwo, abused my mom, and tortured Knuckles. Saying "I'm sorry" isn't going to make me magically forget all of that. I feel like it'd be easier if he was dead if he'd been great during his life. Then I could have held onto that legacy and been proud of it.
Knuckles: Damn.
Mike: I wish Emily was here. She always knew how to navigate this kind of situation.
Wario: Me too… *drools*
Mike stares at him, and he wipes the drool off his chin.
Knuckles: How is she, by the way? I haven't heard from her since she moved to Hyrule and became the princess.
Mike sighs.
Mike: Not too great, I'm afraid. Practically overnight she went from living alone in a condo working at the fighting dojo to suddenly being responsible for millions of civilians. She's been getting overwhelmed by the pressure.
Knuckles: Oh, really? Poor kid.
Wario: She still dating Link?
Knuckles rolls his eyes.
Mike: No.
Knuckles: Wait, seriously? What happened?
Mike: Nothing bad. They're still close. The stress of being a princess was affecting their relationship so they decided to take a break from it so she could focus on her people and her work. I'm sure they'll wind up back together before we know it.
Internally, Wario is screaming for joy, but he is somehow able to show restraint.
Knuckles: I'm guessing she told you all this?
Mike: Yeah, we talk all the time. Honestly, it kind of sucks seeing her going through that. I keep trying to bring her over so she can take a break, but you know how stubborn and dedicated my little sister can be.
Knuckles: Well, you are about to be a father in a few weeks. Maybe you can get her to come help with the baby. Seems like a good a reason as any, then she won't think you're just feeling sorry for her.
Mike: That's a good idea, Knux. I might just do that. It's a weird thought, though. I'm so used to Emily being the baby.
He smiles, remembering that, although she's grown up, she still regresses and acts like the little girl he raised when they're alone. It's very endearing and makes him feel that much more protective of her.
Wario: You know what else would be a good idea?
Knuckles: What?
Wario: Fixing this godforsaken loft that we keep getting distracted from.
Everyone: Ugh...
Knuckles: You're right. We're so close. Let's just finish it up and be done with it.
They drag their feet back over to the stage. They've accomplished their mission of getting a decent buzz going, but it (shockingly) hasn't increased their motivation by even the tiniest amount. They make some progress, but the whole time, Mike has been scratching his head fervently.
Wario: What's the matter with you?
Mike: Dude, my head's been itching like crazy all day.
He scratches harder and faster.
Knuckles: Stressed?
Mike: I don't think so? It's been doing this every now and then. It's like no matter how much I scratch I can't get rid of it!
Knuckles: When was the last time you showered?
Mike: Yesterday morning.
Wario: Are we seriously out of other things to talk about? The best we can do is Mike's itchy scalp?
Knuckles: Beats the little soap opera I was subjected to earlier.
Wario: Come on, we're all a bunch of smart, interesting guys. There's gotta be something of valuable we can talk about.
Knuckles: Value.
Wario: Huh?
Knuckles: Something of value.
Wario: What did I say?
Knuckles: You said "something of valuable."
Wario: I did?
Knuckles: Yep.
Wario: Well, we could talk about Mike's sister some more.
Mike: Because that always ends well for you.
Wario: The way I see it, she's 18, that's old enough for me to talk about her!
Knuckles: 20.
Wario: Huh?
Knuckles: She's 20.
Wario: What? When did that happen?
Knuckles: At her last birthday...?
Mike: Yeah. She's gonna be 21 soon.
Wario: Old enough to drink? You'd better be careful.
Mike: What's that supposed to mean?
Wario: Well, she's your sister. If she's anything like you she's gonna be another raging alkie.
Mike: I really don't think so. By the time I was 21 I'd already gotten it out of my system. I've been drinking since I was 15. Besides, Emily's never touched a drop of alcohol in her life.
Knuckles: No offense, but I find that hard to believe.
Mike: You also have to remember that we aren't blood-related. I didn't learn until a couple years ago that I was adopted, remember? So she's technically my stepsister. She's not automatically doomed to being prone to alcoholism. That's also one of the reasons I'm not the king of Hyrule.
Knuckles: I thought you said you weren't king because you didn't feel like it?
Mike: I did. The whole "absence of royal blood" thing was really convenient that way.
Wario: Why wouldn't you want to be king? You could get away with anything, dude!
Mike: Same reason why Emily's having a hard time being princess. A lot of pressure, a lot of fame.
He sighs and starts thinking about her, worrying about what she's dealing with right now.
Knuckles: She's a big girl, she'll be fine. And she knows she has us to call if she needs any help.
Wario: I-
Knuckles: Not you.
Wario: Dang it.
Mike: I think we're almost done here.
Wario: Hallelujah!
True to his word, the loft is almost complete.
Mike: I think I'm gonna miss building this thing together.
Knuckles: No you're not.
Mike pauses.
Mike: Yeah, you're right. Fuck this thing. Let's get it in the lounge.
He stands up and watches as Knuckles picks up the loft, setting it upright. It looks... okay. It clearly wasn't assembled by professionals, but it should serve its purpose.
Wario: Where do you want this thing, M?
Mike: Against the wall opposite the door, where Mew's fold-out bed thingy is. We'll face it long-ways towards the TV so he can lounge on it.
Wario: Okie doke.
The three of them pick up the finished loft.
Wario: You know, I feel like I really got to know you guys that much better today.
Knuckles: And I feel the most creeped out I've felt in possibly my whole life.
Wario: Oh, stop. You're loving all the deep bonding.
Knuckles: I'm really not.
Wario: Sure you are. I know you can't get enough of it.
Knuckles looks at Mike, worried out of his mind.
Knuckles: Is he messing with me?
Mike: Unnuh. *a lazy way of saying I dunno*
They get to the lounge door, awkwardly carrying the loft between the three of them. Mike and Wario are carrying one end backwards, while Knuckles carries the other side on his own, facing forward.
Mike: Alright, let's just twist through the door here...
They bump into each other at the door.
Mike: Okay War, you gotta squeeze in a little.
Wario: I'm already squeezed in, we need to go through one at a time.
Mike: We're both carrying this side, we need to go together.
Wario: We can't both fit in here at once, Mike.
Mike tries anyway.
Wario: Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa, hang on, hang on!
Mike: What? What?!
Wario: Look, set it down, set it down.
Wario drops his side, which causes Mike to lose his grip and for the loft leg to land on his toe.
Mike: OUCH!
Wario: Whoops.
Mike picks up his end of the loft. Of course, Knuckles didn't register that before dropping his end, causing the weight to shift to Mike again, and for the same thing to happen to the same toe.
Mike: Motherfucker!
He lifts it back up and takes a step back, hopping on his other foot.
Wario: Oh for god's sake, here!
Wario shoves Mike out of the way and picks up their end of the loft by himself.
Wario: Knux, go ahead and push.
Knuckles: Ugh...
The two of them, fueled by frustration-induced adrenaline, quickly scoot the loft into the lounge and against the desired wall.
Knuckles: There, how's that?
Mike: It's backwards.
Knuckles: What?
Mike: It's backwards, that end needs to face the other way.
Knuckles: Of course it does.
Knuckles and Wario rotate the loft 180 degrees. Mike takes a long, hard look at it.
Mike: Okay, a couple inches to the left.
They grumble as they slide the loft accordingly.
Mike: Whoa whoa, too far! Gotta go back a little.
Knuckles: Ffff...
It goes back a little.
Mike: Little more... little more... there! Perfect!
Knuckles and Wario sigh with relief. Then they take a few steps backwards, flanking Mike as the three of them look upon their creation.
Knuckles: It's over. It's finally over.
Wario: There it is, boys. One loft for Mew.
Mike: It looks great! I'm really proud of us. Just goes to show: great things can be made when the three of us work together.
The loft suddenly and completely collapses in place, leaving only a mess of splintered wood panels, jagged metal joints, and miscellaneous hardware spilled all over the floor.
The guys just stand and stare in disbelief.
Then they hear the bar's front door opening before they are graced with the familiar sound of the voice of their fourth comrade.
Mew: Hey guys! What's going...
He sees the pile.
Mew: What, um... what's this, guys?
Mike slowly turns around, and calmly walks out of the lounge and into the elevator. Similarly, Knuckles silently walks out the front door. Wario picks up the instruction book and shoves it in Mew's hands.
Wario: It's your problem now.
To be continued...
2023