[The second act begins with the Long John Peter group riding in their pirate car looking for their new victim to rob from, being the Goldman Pharmacy]
Narrator: With the pirate crew together, they were the most powerful criminal organization in Quahog.
[Inside the Goldman Pharmacy, Mort is busy putting supplies on the shelves of the pharmacy, when Peter and his pirate crew swing and crash through the window near him]
Mort: Aah! Kristallnacht!
[Mort tries to run in fear, but gets stopped by Francis, who's holding rope]
Peter: Yarr! 'Tis Long John Peter 'n his merry scallywags come seekin' plunder. All yer Tucks medicated pads be ours.
[Francis then begins to tie Mort up to the cash register with rope while Peter takes a handful of medicated pads]
Mort: Aah! Oh, my God! Oh, God, what are you doing?!
[As Peter takes the pads to the car, Seamus tears down a magazine stand while Randall tosses items like lotion, food boxes, money etc. from the pharmacy into a bag Francis is holding. After their bag is full, the group gathers around Peter, who now brought their portable cannon into the pharmacy and holds a match]
Seamus: Blisterin' barnacles. Fer no reason, we be goin' t' fire this cannon all o'er yer store.
[Peter lights it up and he and the crew laugh as the cannon shoots a hole into the pharmacy. Francis' eyes then get drawn to something else in the pharmacy]
Francis: Blow me down. [pointing to the display off-screen] Fearful pharmacy toys. We'll see t' it that no sprog ever receives these as a last-minute gift hastily bought on the way t' the party.
[Francis redirects the cannon and lights it up to blow up the toy display, destroying all the toys]
Randall: 'N here's one more cannon fer the road.
[As Peter lights it up for a third time, the pirate crew laugh again until their cannon shoots a bag of nickels into Peter's crotch from the opposite direction. Causing Adrianne Beaky to fly off Peter's shoulder as Peter gets to the floor to cry in pain]
Peter: OW! Why?
[It then cut to sometime around noon on the road where Phineas and Barnaby were dressed as vikings and drive a car decorated like a viking boat]
Narrator: They spared quite literally nobody from their wrath...
Phineas: I say, Barnaby - great day to be cosplaying as vikings for the Viking Convention.
[Peter car drives by their car and Barnaby notices them]
Barnaby: Why, Phineas. Looks like there's pirate cosplayers.
Phineas: Remember to wave.
[Phineas and Barnaby wave to the crew, which Randall notices]
Randall: One-Eyed Seamus, those Vikings seem t' be wavin' at us. Wha' shall we do?
Seamus: Blast ye... They could be jus' wavin' in appreciation. But also could be lurin' us into a false sense t' let our guards down 'n attack us.
Peter: Let's blow 'em up.
Seamus: Totally blow 'em up!
Peter: Feel the wrath of Long John Peter and his merry crew!
[They fire a cannonball at the Phineas and Barnaby's car and cause their car to spin out and crash into a tree. And the four laugh at the duo's misery as they pass them. It then cut to the Channel 5 News Station]
Narrator: And held nothing back from their attacks.
[Inside the studio room, Tom and Diane were there at their normal news stand]
Tom: I'm just saying, there's attractive and then there's you.
[Peter and his pirate crew then crash through the door with their portable cannon]
Francis: Yarr! Terrible news anchors. We'll make sure no pitiful person ever sees such propaganda.
[The cannons start to fire off right as it cuts outside the studio. But judging from the screams, shattering glass and rummaging around, it's not a pretty such. It then faded to dusk, with Peter returning home alone in his car with a bag of loot.]
Narrator: Soon, evening has come quite fast and the crew split their loot and call it a day.
[It cut to inside the Griffin house, where Meg was watching television with Lois and Stewie is on the stairs calling to Lois in his PJs.]
Stewie: Hey! I need to be put to sleep, you know!
Lois: Stewie, mommy's too busy waiting for daddy to tuck you in. Brian, can you take of Stewie?
Brian: Sure thing, Lois.
[Brian carries Stewie on his back and heads upstairs, though not without Stewie giving Lois a taunting face that went unnoticed as Peter entered the door and Lois immediately gets to him]
Lois: There you are mister! Do you know how much trouble you've been in?! You were all over the news! And not in a good way!
Peter: Thar's no such thing as bad publicity, me naggin' beauty. Any publicity be good fer me crew!
Lois: YOU ROBBED THE NEWS STATION WHILE IT WAS GOING ON! And what the hell's in that bag you're holding?!
Peter: Me share of our loot.
[Peter dumps out all his loot from his bag onto the coffee table, shocking Lois]
Lois: Oh my God, it's worse than what I saw on the news!
Meg: [gasps] No way! You got a golden bracelet!
[Meg reaches for it, but her hand is slapped away by Peter]
Peter: MY TREASURE!
Meg: Dad, it's one bracelet among the multiple items, I'm sure it'll be fine if I just take one-
[Meg had barely reaches for the bracelet when Peter grabbed his hand]
Peter: [while tightening his grip on Meg's wrist] Hands. Off. MY TREASURE!
Meg: Alright, I'm sorry! Jeez!
[Peter lets Meg's wrist go and Meg rubs her wrist to cool the pain]
Peter: Hey, where's Chris? I needs t' make sure he knows hands off me stuff.
Lois: Oh, he just left to go on a date with a girl at some restaurant.
[We then see where they are: Italian Food (not on a dish of it, but a dinner called Italian Food). Chris and Anna are at a booth nearby a window]
Chris: So, um, where did you come from, Anna?
Anna: Oh, just from a town over. Just moved here a couple of weeks ago with my family and two dogs.
Chris: Did you make it with one of the dogs?
Anna: What?
Chris: I mean, did you enjoy your appetizer?
Anna: It hasn't come yet.
Chris: Oh! Um... I mean... did you ever make it with one of the dogs? NO, [slaps himself in anger] STUPID!
Anna: Chris, just relax.
Chris: Um, okay. So, what kind of stuff do you like to do and junk?
Anna: Well, I really enjoy tending to the animals at my house and my animal shelter from my past home. Ever since I was a little girl I have loved working with animals. I also really enjoy some of the music black people have been coming up with lately, and making aggressive use of all new forms of electronic communication so I can feverishly discuss reality television with my friends on handheld devices. But I do it, you know, with my own cutesy girlish twist.
Chris: Wow. I'll bet you're the only girl like you on Earth.
Anna: You're so sweet.
[Anna gives Chris a cheek kiss and causes Chris to widen his eyes]
Chris: You know, Anna, when I first saw you, I thought you were the most beautiful girl. And now all I wanna do is show you my innermost self. B-but I'm afraid you'll reject me because you won't like what you see. Or that you'll see my scrotum and see that seam on it and then you'll think I'm made up of two guys sewn together - because that's what the doctors think happened - and..!
[Anna puts her finger on Chris to silence him]
Anna: Chris, I like you.
[She then leans in and gives Chris a kiss. Not a cheek kiss - a LIP kiss]
Anna: You don't have to try so hard.
Chris: I'm sorry. When I'm around a pretty girl, I get all worked up like a kid watching a toy commercial.
Cutaway #4
[It then shows a commercial advertising a new toy from Hasbro]
Announcer: Kids, kids, kids! Shiny, gooey, stretchy, fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky, yummy, bouncy, fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it!
Kids: Yeah!
Announcer: Toss it!
Kids: Awesome!
Announcer: Swim it!
Kids: Ahh!
Announcer: Eat it!
Kids: Whoa!
Announcer: Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids! Kids! ARRGGGHHH! IT'S SO AWESOME!
[Cuts to reveal Stewie in the living room, having watched the commercial, jumping up and down excited]
Stewie: I want it!
End
[That night, Chris was in his bed, dreaming seeing Anna on a bed, twirling her hair and in a sexy bikini. Chris heads up to her to kiss her and the two undress themselves and turn of the light going to town, until...]
Anna: EWW!
[Anna turns the light back on while covering her parts]
Anna: That's not how you do it! You did sex wrong! I'm gonna tell the president and Wonder Woman that you did sex wrong!
[This causes Chris to snap out of his dream, sweating]
Chris: NOOOOO!
[As Chris takes some deep breaths, he notices his armpits sweating]
Chris: Oh man, not again!
[Chris takes off his shirt and throws it on the floor to show two other sweated night shirts on the ground. The next day, Cleveland, Quagmire and Joe are relaxing at the Drunken Clam watching a movie on the TV]
Announcer: We now Doing Stuff in the Rain Makes it More Meaningful.
[On the TV, a guy named Ben is standing in the rain with a newspaper over his head and in front of the doorstep talking to a woman named Jessica]
Ben: It just so happens I'm in love with you, Jessica.
Jessica: Ben, you're bangs are wet, so I believe you.
[The two come together for a kiss as it cuts back to Cleveland, Quagmire and Joe]
Cleveland: [shaking his head] These movies are getting more unrealistic by the day.
[Horace comes to the three with beer jugs, that instead of having the usual beer have a unusual red color]
Horace: Here's your drinks, boys. Unfortunately I couldn't get you guys beer as someone robbed the Clam's supply last night, so I substituted it with Red Bull. Though drink slowly, those guys I gave it to seem to react strangely to the Red Bull.
[Horace points to the other side of the bar, which shows the other bar drinkers bouncing off the walls and acting hyperactive from the Red Bull]
Customer A-A-ANOTHER ONE, HORACE! A-A-AND DON'T HOLD BACK!
[Back to Horace and the guys]
Horace: Yeah, I'm cutting them off. [sits at the booth with the guys] Hey, you boys ever think about retirement?
Joe: Absolutely! You got to have a plan for your old age.
Cleveland: I just want to get to a place with my finances where I can just sit around eat shrimps and wear cologne.
Joe: Bonnie and I are saving up to buy a cabin in the mountains. We're going to hike all summer and ski all winter.
[A beat happens where Quagmire, Cleveland and Horace stare at him blankly]
Joe: SHUT UP!
Horace: I'm planning to retire in Florida and spend my time in my home getting drunk. How about you, Q-Man?
Quagmire: My plan? I'm going to shoot myself through the neck when my penis stops working.
[Chris then enters the Clam and comes up to the four]
Chris: Hey, fellas. Um... I have a question. I went on a date with this girl that I really like and likes me back. And if you don't mind, I was hoping I could ask you a few questions... about the birds and the bees.
Cleveland: Ah, sure Chris.
Horace: Came to the right place.
Joe: Chris, what you always wanna remember is that sex is perfectly natural.
Chris: Well, uh, sorry, Mr. Swanson, I wasn't really talking to you.
Joe: Chris, I know a lot about sex.
Chris: Yeah, and I'm sure you have fond memories. But I was hoping to get advice from someone who uh ... isn't broken from the waist down.
Joe: I'm a father!
Chris: YOU'RE A TWO-WHEELED MONSTER!
[Joe then begins to cry because of what Chris called him]
Chris: That had to be done...
[As Chris leaves the Clam, Quagmire has his phone out, revealing to have recorded Joe crying]
Quagmire: That's gonna be my new ringtone. Cleveland, call me.
[Cleveland calls Quagmire and the sound bite of Joe crying is heard]
Quagmire: Ha-ha-ha.
[As Chris walks out of the Clam, Long John Peter's car speeds by the bar at quick speeds before rounding a corner to stop for a second and laugh at their recent act of havoc - attacking Town Hall and stealing some of Mayor West's priceless artwork.]
Peter: Well done on stealin' the Mayor's valuables, you barnacle-munching scallywiggers.
Seamus: Aye. Ol' Mayor West didn' know wha' hit 'em!
Cutaway #5
[It cuts to the new destroyed office and the poor Adam West in a fetal position, clearly traumatized]
Adam West: I-I-It all happened s-s-so fast!
End
Francis: Now who shall we loot from next?
[With that, everyone started looking around for the perfect person or place to loot from. But their search wasn't long.]
Randall: Ooh! Ooh! Let's rob that one!
[Randall points to something off-screen, which is revealed to be a homeless shelter]
Francis: Woah! Hey!
Seamus: Hey! Woah!
Peter: Fargus, have some standards! We're not that cruel!
Randall: Wha? No, not the homeless shelter; him!
[Randall is seen now pointing at what he meant to point at - British man Shelley Boothbishop loading his British car - complete with the driver wheel being other side - with crate boxes before he looks at his watch.]
Shelley: Dear me, it's almost 3:00. I've got to get this shipment of sugarcane, tobacco and spices to the harbor before day's end.
[He then enters his car and drives off, and Peter and the crew share a mischief look]
Seamus: I reckon we all know who we be lootin' from next.
Adrianne Beaky: Squawk! [while flapping his wings in excitement] This is gonna be exciting!
Peter: Everybody ready?
Francis/Randall/Seamus: Yep!
[Peter rams the gas and follows Shelley's car from behind at fast speeds and Shelley looks in his rear-view mirror to sees Peter's car]
Shelley: That car is coming up awfully fast. And what's that flag?
[He then gets a closer look and sees that the car has a pirate flag on its antennae]
Shelley: Oh, no, privateers. No doubt they're after my sugarcane, tobacco and spices. Well, Shelley Boothbishop isn't about to let you over-egg this pudding.
[Peter's car comes up to the right side of Shelley's car]
Peter: Yarr!
[As the pirate group laughs, Shelley turns a hard right to a corner, with the guys following behind him. Upon getting close to him again, Peter draws out his sword]
Peter: Prepare to be boarded.
Shelley: You'll never take my cargo!
[Shelley draws out his own sword - or rather a rapier - and clashes his sword with Peter while driving, causing both cars to move left and right of the road. As the two get close to each other in their fight and grit their teeth in front of each other, their attention is brought back when a car driving the opposite way honks to them to get out of his way, which both cars pull to let him pass. After looking from behind to see him pass them, Peter and Shelley continue to clash their swords until Peter decides a new attack]
Peter: Load the cannon, Ruthless Francis!
[Francis and Randall push the cannon out to the open window behind Peter at the same time Shelley does the same with his own cannon! Francis and Shelley lit their respective cannons and both cars now engage in shoot cannons at each other's car. Eventually, they got to a point where they shot the roof of each other's car off - with Shelley's car receiving such a knock it put him on the sidewalk and made him accidentally crash into a mailbox and parking meter as he gained back control and got back on the road to fire a cannonball that sent the pirates' car spinning.]
Adrianne Beaky/Francis/Seamus/Randall: WAAAAAAAH!
[Peter thankfully jerks back control of the car just as Shelley fires another cannonball at Francis, who ducks in time and gets ready to fire another cannonball at Shelley, but a bump in the road causes their cannon to go off course and fire at a telephone pole, breaking the top part off with some of the wires intact and lands in the center of Peter's car. And the large pole gets caught up with a sign that the pirates pass that says "Street Fair August 9th". When Shelley looks at the group, he sees that the sign now looked like pirate flags and helped the crew get closer to him]
Peter: I have an idea! Beaky, take the wheel and get us close to that car!
Adrianne Beaky: On it!
[Adrianne Beaky flies off Peter's shoulder to take control of the steering wheel as Peter takes the wires from their new pirate pole and swings over to Shelley's car onto Shelley's right side. Getting his attention, the two engage in another sword battle and leaves Shelley too busy to notice Beaky driving close to his car.]
Adrianne Beaky: Go for it, boys!
[Francis jumps over from Peter's car to Shelley's passenger seats to take Shelley's boxes and toss it over to Randall box by box. And by the time they get down the last box, Francis hops back into Peter's car with that box in hand]
Francis: All clear, Cap'n Peter!
[Getting the call, Peter stops his sword fight with Shelley and backflips back into the driver's seat. And Shelley finally notice his boxes of supplies taken from him]
Shelley: Hey! My sugarcane, tobacco and spices!
Peter: Thank you for your generous donation. Now, shoot it again!
Randall: What? I didn't understand that.
Peter: [dropping the pirate act for a second] I said, "shoot it again," but I said it pirate-like.
Seamus: If you were going to say that pirate-like, you'd say "Shoot yer again" Not, whatever that was.
[Francis then lights the cannon and shoots at Shelley's car, which causes Shelley to lose control of the car and crash into a road barrier and into a lake. Thankfully for him, it was shallow enough to let his car float and not let him drown, but it means he can still see Long John Peter's crew park their car in front of where he crashed to laugh and mock Shelley]
Peter/Francis/Seamus/Randall: [in between laughing] Woo!/Brilliant!/Thank you no thank you!/Oh yeah, we won!
Shelley: You've haven't seen the last of me you pesky pirates! I will have my revenge!
Randall: But how? We're a four men group, and you'll just a weak British man.
[The group laughs again at Shelley but fail to notice his progressively angry expression. Getting more and more anger that by the point it reaches its peak, one of his glasses lens cracks!]
[Meanwhile, Chris is at Herbert's house and with Herbert on his couch]
Herbert: So, what brings you by today, Chris?
Chris: Mr. Herbert, um, I was wondering ... could you teach me about sex?
[Beat]
Herbert: Could you excuse me for a moment?
[Herbert gets up and moves outside with his walker, begins to start dancing happily as seen out the window. Doing splits, leg crosses, silly dances and even balancing on his walker and jumping off to strike a dancer stand move. And he then goes back inside like nothing happened.]
Herbert: Okay, let's get started. Why don't we go down to the basement where the lighting is better and there's more padding on the walls?
Chris: Uh, I don't know. I think I need to go.
[Chris then walks out Herbert's house as Herbert stares on]
Herbert: [darkly] You know, I'm in this for the long haul.
[Back at the Griffin home, Chris enters through the kitchen entrance to see Lois working on a turkey while Brian and Stewie are currently eating from a dog bowl and a bowl of Cheerios on the kitchen table respectively]
Chris: Hey Mom, uh, I have a question? I went on the date with the girl, and um, I'm kinda of scared 'cause I don't really know ... um ... Look, I need to know about sex!
Lois: Well, well, our little boy's growing up even faster! Come on, Chris and let's talk about the birds and the bees.
[Lois leads Chris to the turkey on the stove and takes a baster]
Lois: Now imagine the man is this baster, and the woman is this turkey. The man takes his baster and [while slowly inserting the baster inside the hole in the turkey] very gently places it in the turkey.
[While Brian is drooling from this description, having possibly having ... interesting thoughts, Stewie's more disgusted]
Stewie: Ewww! Does the baster have to go into the dirty, smelly turkey? Why can't it just be with another nice clean baster?
[In the living room, Thelma is attempting a crossword puzzle.]
Thelma: Hmmm...a twelve-letter word for a someone you know that will screw up your life. Last name "Griffin". Griffin, griffin, griffin ... wow, today's puzzle is hard!
[Chris heads into the living room and slumps down on the couch]
Thelma: Something getting you down, hun?
Chris: I've been trying to get advice for a girl who likes me, but none of the people I went to for advice seemed to be much help.
Thelma: Maybe the issue is you're looking in the wrong direction for advice. What have you asked more for?
Chris: Well, mostly about sex.
Thelma: There's your problem. You're not looking for the right advice. I mean, you ever thought about the right way to treat a lady?
Chris: [gets a realization and starts to panic] Holy crap! I-I-I never thought about that!
[Chris then starts to hyperventilate which Thelma shaking him to calm him down]
Thelma: Chris, calm down! Dating doesn't need to be all complicated like you're making it. Dating can be simple. Just date as your friends. Then when it gets to the point where you want to take your relationship to the next level, sweep her off her feet. After all, that's what your grandfather did for me when he was younger...
[Lois enters, hearing their conversation]
Lois: Wait, Francis did that?
Thelma: Well, yeah he used to but, y'know with having a child and old age, whatever...
Chris: But Dad and Grampa say that a man needs to view a woman like an object and treat her like crap to get anywhere with them.
Lois: [annoyed] Don't listen to your father's advice. Don't ever listen to what your father or grandfather tell you.
Thelma: [annoyed as well] Nine times out of ten it's going to get you in serious trouble. Besides, Petey's got a bad track record for screwing up others lives through bad advice or through his own actions.
Cutaway #6
[In a flashback, Peter is shown emerging from the Brown-Simpson home, bloodstained, wearing one glove and carrying a bloodstained knife, and splits just before O.J. arrives and enters]
O.J. Simpson: Knock, knock. Nicole, Ronald, who's ready for Boggle? Oh, my God. No! Why?! Why?! My beautiful Nicole. My man Ronald. Who did this?! Oh, man, they were so good together! We were just establishing our friendship! They were about to get engaged! Oh, he was gonna ask me to be an usher! He already had enough groomsmen, so he made me an usher... but just to think I could be involved in the ceremony in any way.
End
[It then cut to around a few days from then, around a Friday night down near a back alley in Quahog. Shelley then enters down the alley, clad in a trench coat and wearing a fedora pulled low.]
Shelley: [huskily] Thank you for coming. I'm in need of your services. And I heard you're the best guys for this job in this city.
[It shows Phineas and Barnaby, as in fedoras and trench coats]
Phineas: [huskily] Sure are.
Barnaby: [huskily] What's your business reason for needing us?
Shelley: Pretty sure you've heard of a "Long John Peter".
[Phineas and Barnaby both gasp]
Barnaby: You know that guy and his crew?
Shelley: Even better... I know him and his father.
[Shelley pulls out a folder from his coat and hands it to Phineas and Barnaby, who when looking inside the binder see all types of information on Peter and Francis. Images on the two, current locations, ages, work occupations, and even doxxed addresses]
Shelley: I did some digging and found the true identity of Long John Peter and Ruthless Francis. And even better, I found their wives.
[Shelley pulls out two images from his pocket and shows Phineas and Barnaby, being revealed to be Lois and Thelma on one picture respectively]
Shelley: I want you two to go to 31st Spooner Street and kidnap these two women. If the other is not there, go to the Quahog Acre address. But when you get both of them, meet me at the ship near the Quahog Pier. Then I'll assign you two a new plan. We got a deal?
[The two muscular duo are narrowed in thought but grin with a sense of revenge. With the two reaching their hands to shake Shelley's extended hand: The deal was struck]
Shelley: Good. Now get going!
[The duo take off to Spooner Street as Shelley laughs menacingly - his plan was in motion. Meanwhile, at the Griffin home, Thelma is watching Channel 5 News on the couch while Lois is pacing back and forth. On Channel 5 News, Tom and Diane are still facing the attack as evidenced from the video and audio quality being noticeably worse than usual, the two new anchors being in plastic chairs, and their usual table being replaced with a foldout table]
Diane: Welcome back to the smoking rubble of what used to be Channel 5 News. Thanks to the Long John Peter attack from a few days prior, we're still without our table, our background or any decent audio and camera.
Tom: So we're forced to compensate with this older equipment and fold out table and chairs. I swear I feel like a elementary schooler using this, and that's not in the positive feeling.
[The foldout chairs immanently collapse on Tom and Diane]
Diane: Ah, damn it!
Tom: Gah, son of a bitch!
[The two then annoyed refold the chairs to sit back in them]
Tom: Are we sure this are the only chairs we have left?! This is like the fourth time today they've collapsed!
[Tom looks off-screen to a worker to see a sign from them to read and judging by his face getting more scrunched up, it's not a pretty sign]
Tom: "Get it myself"?! Oh, I'll get myself! [stands up from his chair and rolls his sleeves] In fact, I'll get more than that!
Diane: As Tom goes off to get into a slapfight with our director, we now go live to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa a more recent report of another Long John Peter attack. Tricia?
[It then cuts to Tricia behind of a smoking building]
Tricia: Diane, I'm standing behind a recent store that's fallen victim to another Long John Peter attack. Local police are at the scene of crime and were asked to give addition information any information ere's the update from the local authorities who are overseeing the search party's efforts.
[Cut to Joe in his police uniform and reviewing notes from the attack]
Joe: Well, from looking in the remains, the carpeting was ruined, approximately seventy percent of the products were stolen, there's three cannonball holes through the building and any or all photo frames are destroyed.
Tricia: And is the police force working to stop these terrorists?
Joe: We're trying, but our forces can't really predict them. Every time our forces think we got their pattern, they throw us a curveball and do something we didn't predict. It seems there's little consistency from their attacks.
[While their talking the above two lines, Shelley notices them from the foreground and walks up to them]
Shelley: Hey is this the news station?
Tricia: Why, yes. Would you like to give your opinion about the recent Long John Peter attack?
Shelley: [nods and takes a deep breath before yelling into the mic] LONG JOHN PETER, IF YOU AND YOUR CREW ARE WATCHING THIS, I WILL TRACK YOU ALL DOWN AND I WILL FIND YOU DICKS! I WHEN I FIND YOU, IT'S ON SIGHT, LONG JOHN PETER! DO YOU HEAR ME?! IT IS ON SI-!
[Not being able to take it, Lois just takes the remote and shuts off the TV and sits on the couch]
Lois: [groans in annoyance] Thelma, I'm really getting worried about Peter and Francis doing this pirate business. I mean, this is was more extreme than any of Peter's usual antics ever gone.
Thelma: I'll admit it's gotten a little... extreme. But it's nothing that can be considered going too far.
[Just then, with comical timing, Phineas and Barnaby crash through the same living room window that was damaged by the cannonball earlier and was just fixed]
Lois: Come on! I just fixed that window!
[Barnaby looks at the two knowing what needs to be done, but notices Phineas looking to see the photos of Lois and Thelma from his pocket to see if they got the right victims. Making Barnaby groan]
Barnaby: Damn it, Phineas, those are the women we need to kidnap for the boss!
Thelma: What?
[The two takes off, Thelma heading for the screen door in the kitchen and Lois heading for the door in the study room]
Phineas: Oh, looks like we got runners!
[Phineas leaps, and tackles Lois down just as she was so close to escape. And as he does this, looks up to see the photos of the Griffin family on the dressers]
Phineas: I'll say, you seem to have some nice children.
Lois: Why thank you, it took a lot of hard work and-.
[Lois used this loose guard to kick Phineas' groin, making him wince and allow her to punch him into a wall, grinning as she outsmarted him. But she didn't see Barnaby sneaking up behind her with a coil of rope until it dropped around her and pulled tightly against her, making her wince and fall to the ground. Barnaby heads up to Phineas and helps him back up]
Phineas: Nice thinking Barnaby.
[Phineas and Barnaby then drag Lois to the living room to show Thelma already tied up, but Lois starts to fight back so Phineas restrains her to keep her from loosening the rope. And the ruckus from that and the previous ruckus gets some attention as Meg and Brian head downstairs.]
Brian: Come on, Peter! Working my novel takes hard work and I can't be continuously interrupted.
Meg: Are you even halfway done with the book? Or completed a draft? Or even have an outline for the book?
Brian: I have an outline...
[The two look up and see Phineas and Barnaby holding the restrained Lois and Thelma down on the carpet]
Meg: Hey, let go of them!
[Sure enough, Phineas and Barnaby turn their attention to the two.]
Phineas: [snickers] Oh, you want to challenge us?
Barnaby: You two will make fine practice objects.
[Phineas and Barnaby place the tied up wives on the ground and get into their battle poses to fight Brian and Meg]
Brian: Well, prepare yourselves. This dog and daughter is gonna teach you a lesson on messing with the wrong family. [cracks his knuckles and looks to Meg] Ready?
Meg: Hmph!
[The two jump towards Phineas and Barnaby ready to attack]
Brian/Meg: RRRRAAAAAGH!
[However, as awesome as them defending their honor would be, it cuts to show they immediately lost and are tied up on the carpet and shoved under the couch]
Thelma: [sarcastic] Wow, you two really did a mark on them.
Brian: Shut up. This was all Meg's fault!
Meg: My fault?! You were the one to jump into action!
Brian: Well, you followed me!
Phineas: Come on, Barnaby. Let's get these girls back to the boss.
Barnaby: Wait, should we take her with us?
Phineas: Ugh! No way, nobody'd want to save her.
[The two leave the house with Lois and Thelma in tow and toss them in the van and drive off]
Meg: Come on! I'm pretty! I have some worth in being captured! Ask people in my school!
Brian: Meg, get real. Nobody'd wanna save you even if you payed them money to.
[Outside, Phineas and Barnaby drive the van through the streets with Lois and Thelma in the back, held in a cage]
Lois: Stop! Why are you doing this to us?!
Thelma: Is this related to me cancelling my prescriptions of People magazine? It was down to money issues, not because I hated reading it!
Phineas: Relax, we're just taking you to the boss for blackmail money.
Lois/Thelma: BLACKMAIL?!
[Barnaby slaps his face in annoyance of his partner spilling the beans and rolls up the back window to avoid hearing the upcoming shouting]
Barnaby: Phineas, if you keep doing that, we're gonna lose our money bonus!
[The two continue driving to the Pier while, not to nearby, Chris and Anna are standing outside of a movie theater, waiting to get their tickets]
Chris: You're gonna love Hero of Time, Anna. Its been in production hell for about five years, passed around from three directors, went overbudget, and yet despite coming out a few days ago is the most panning movie of all time!
Anna: That sounds awful.
Chris: I know! That's why it'll be funny to make fun of its failings. You know, like ironic watching.
Anna: Ooh.
Chris: Plus it's cheap! There's selling tickets for five bucks just to let anyone see it to make their money back.
Ticket Worker: Can I help you?
Chris: Yes, can we have two tickets to Hero of Time?
Ticket Worker: That'll be ten dollars, please.
Chris: Don't worry, Anna. Payment's on me!
[As Chris reaches into his pocket and gets his wallet to get the money, Phineas and Barnaby round the corner and when Phineas stops the van when he glances and sees Chris and Anna]
Phineas: My, it's that boy from one of the pictures at the house these two came from!
Barnaby: Think if we kidnap that girl we'll get bigger payment from the boss?
Phineas: Never know unless you do it, Barnaby.
[Just as Chris gets the money out, Phineas punches him in the stomach, bringing him to the ground]
Chris: Oof!
Anna: Chris!
[Barnaby grabs Anna and runs to the back of the van as Phineas gets into the driver's seat with the other goon]
Barnaby: Hup-ho! Hup!
Anna: Aah!
Chris: Anna!
[Chris gets up and tries to chase after Anna, but with the sudden stomach punch alongside Phineas and Barnaby being way faster than him makes him not even able to get close to the van before they shut the doors and takes off, leaving him left behind in their dust]
Anna: Chris, help meeeee!
Chris: Anna! ANNNNAAAA!
[As Chris stares off in worry that he lost his new girlfriend, Joe and Bonnie stroll up next to him]
Joe: Hey Chris, guess what we just did. Bonnie, tell him.
Bonnie: We had sex.
Joe: We had sex!
Bonnie: We had what Joe calls "sex".
A/N: Quite the cliffhanger ending! Next time, the Long John Peter crew go on a quest to save their kidnapped wives and Anna. Don't miss it!