Sumire's POV
Tensed and nervous.
This is how I'm feeling at the moment because the exhibition I wanted to attend is happening today. It's the first time I've joined an art competition so my emotions were as expected since this is an entirely new experience for me.
Having no idea whether people would like my work or criticize it made me anxious, but the possibility of winning the exhibition thrilled me at the same time.
The opportunity to be able to showcase my work was enough for me since I am aspiring to pursue a career as an artist, but I admit that I would be ecstatic if I could get the monetary reward because I'm presently trying to establish a civilian life here at the city of Shizukamachi. Winning the prize would certainly aid me in that goal.
I had nothing to do for the day so I arrived at the venue as early as I could to make sure I wouldn't be late for my first art show. But I guess I got here too early because the organizers weren't even here yet, so I patiently sat on one of the benches by the entrance of the venue with a book in hand to pass the time.
The literary work I am currently reading at the moment was one of the books Eiji gave me a few days before his departure- a book about botany, specifically about flora that were known to be poisonous.
Currently, I am on a chapter about nightshades. I've read that it's a classification of plants that has many interesting uses. Some could be eaten or used for cooking, several are used as ingredients to create products like herbal medicines and the likes, but a variety of it should be avoided because of its highly toxic properties.
My reading was interrupted as one of the organizers approached me and asked, "Excuse me, are you here as a participant?"
"Yes, I inquired about it a few days ago. I was told to bring my artwork here and register my entry before the show started so I came as early as I could." I enthusiastically explained to the woman since I was excited to participate in the art event.
The woman handed me a piece of paper, "Just fill up this registration form with your personal information then I'll show you the spot where your artwork would be put on display."
I glanced at the form in my hand. I felt apprehensive to use my name in the event so I asked about the possibility of using a different one instead, "Is it mandatory to use my real name here? I value my privacy and I'd like to remain anonymous if it's possible."
"No, it's not mandatory." The woman gave me a kind smile as she explained, "Several artists actually prefer to have a pseudonym to protect their privacy, you're free to create one and use it for your registration in this exhibit if you want to."
I gave a genuine smile to the woman as she walked back to the registration table. It's my first time dipping my toes into the art scene as an aspiring artist, so it's clear to me that I have so much more to learn about how things work in the creative world.
I thought hard about what to register as my alias, whatever I put in here would probably stay with me all throughout my artistic journey, that's why I should think of a name that would really suit me best and it should be nice enough to catch other people's interest whenever they heard the name.
My eyes landed on the book I have in hand, the page was currently on the chapter about the nightshade plants.
A nice idea popped in my head as I stared at the words printed on the page- The Nightshade.
Now, that's a catchy name. It could denote a lot of things depending on how one interprets it.
In science and botany, it's associated with a family of plants known for both their culinary uses and as herbal ingredients, which exhibits the positive and practical aspects of it. However, it can also be the lethal variety of nightshade, its flowers and fruits look very appealing to the eyes but it can induce symptoms of poisoning and even death, emphasizing its fatal risks to the world.
In the realm of art, poetry and literature, the nightshade symbolizes elements of peril and betrayal. It's also associated with the underworld in some cultures and symbolizes danger, deceit, and death because of its toxicity.
Finally deciding what my alias as an artist would be, I wrote "The Nightshade" in my registration form.
I believe it is the perfect pseudonym for me because it encapsulates the duality of my identity.
Like nightshades, there are certain aspects of myself that's good and exude positivity. I give kindness to people if I think they deserve it and extend my hand to help those who are in need of my assistance to the best of my ability.
But similar to the nightshade, I also pose a threat to those around me because danger and death clings to me effortlessly. I have killed people before- it's not something I'm proud of but it's a fact I cannot change. I've caused either death or suffering to both friends and foes alike, it brings me sorrow to admit it but it's a truth I have to live with for the rest of my life.
"Here you go," I forced a smile as I handed my completed form to the lady manning the registration table. The woman accepted the piece of paper before guiding me to where my artwork would be displayed for the duration of the event.
This marks the beginning of the journey towards realizing my dream as an artist. I am filled with immense happiness and contentment at that thought because something good is finally happening in my life.
I may have encountered multiple unfortunate incidents before in my youth and now in my adolescence, but I was now able to look at the silver lining of those bad experiences. If I wasn't forced to escape the town I grew up in, I wouldn't be able to stumble upon this unfamiliar city and have the opportunity to join an event like this where my aspiration as an artist could be fulfilled.
Little did I know how much my life would change for the better afterwards.
Kakashi's POV
The past week hasn't been nice.
Konoha is in the middle of a heat wave because we're in the midst of the summer season already. The scorching temperature is unbearable but I am forced to leave my apartment because I needed to attend the scheduled appointment I had for the day.
With sweat dripping from my forehead, I sat in the dimly lit reception area of the Torture and Interrogation Unit of the ANBU headquarters and waited for my name to be called inside the department head's office.
I have been intentionally missing out attending this appointment multiple times already by keeping myself busy during the scheduled dates I've been given, but the head of the T.I. Unit was persistent in rescheduling every time I did not show up.
The sandaime hokage had been reprimanding me about missing my appointments too many times, the old man warned me that this would be the last time they'll reschedule and I would be permanently removed from my duties in the ANBU black ops if I wasn't able to make time for it.
The old man temporarily pulled me out from doing missions, as I quote his reasoning behind it, "You're undoubtedly a skillful ANBU operative, but I'm not sending you out on a mission in that state."
Apparently, according to the hokage and his council, I needed an evaluation and was required to attend sessions with the mind expert of Konoha to correct my ways.
Why?
Because I've been a total wreck ever since that Tanzaku Gai mission happened. I am nowhere near fine even after the four months that had gone by.
I'm a complete mess, very devastated and heartbroken.
When Team Ro was called in at the hokage's office a day after we returned from that mission, I showed up forty minutes late with a hangover. The sandaime let it slide the first time it happened, but my tardiness was only the beginning of something they have to put up with afterwards.
Whatever advice the hokage and my friends gave me regarding my misbehavior enters one ear and directly exits the other. Their helpful words just didn't settle in my consciousness no matter how hard they tried.
If Hideo oji-san was awake, he'd probably give me an earful of how unprofessional I've been these days.
There were a lot of changes that slowly became a normal thing for me to do- reading the smut books written by Jiraiya-sama shamelessly in public, dealing with people carelessly and indifferently, and showing up as late as I could possibly be in every instance where my presence was required.
In other words, I just didn't give a fuck anymore.
My bad habits kept getting worse to the point that they needed Inoichi Yamanaka's intervention since he is an expert when it comes to the mind stuff. But I doubt it would be of any help because I am self-aware that I'm hard-headed and very stubborn. It would take more than his expertise in understanding how the brain works or his prowess in mind-jutsus to fix me up.
Too many bad things have happened to me ever since I became a shinobi at the age of six. I've been on an emotional and mental decline since then and the only reason why I kept going was because of her.
But having my heart broken by the same girl who brings out the best in me was the last straw that led me to change so much. I know she probably didn't intend to hurt me and I might have the wrong assumptions about her relationship with that guy in the photo, but it isn't the only reason why I was feeling this way.
I just couldn't understand why she didn't find me. She had the means and freedom to do so, but why couldn't she do that?
I'm probably being selfish about it and not really trying to view things from her perspective but I just couldn't come up with a plausible reason why she decided to live her life as if someone's not waiting for her at Konoha.
She knows I am here.
She's aware because I send her pulses every fucking day.
She is informed of my feelings for her because I'm pretty sure my actions when I met her at the shores of the Land of Sea proved it.
She understands I'm ready to die for her because I took a blade in my gut for her.
She knows I'm here and I exist, but why does it seem like I do not?
If our tables are turned, I wouldn't waste a day to find her again no matter how fucked up my situation might be because I love her so much and everything else wouldn't matter.
Unlike her, I am a permanent resident of Konoha and it isn't hard to figure out where to look for me because everyone knows I've been living in the same fucking village for the past eighteen years of my shitty life. Even my enemies knew where I was most of the time for fuck's sake.
She had no reason to give why she didn't bother to look for me other than she just didn't want to and it's chewing me up on the inside.
If only I had the knowledge of knowing where she's at, I would've gone to see her in a heartbeat and maybe I wouldn't have to feel like this at the moment. But I guess she doesn't just have intense feelings for me as I have for her and it hurts so much to think about it.
My musings were interrupted by the sound of a creaking door and a familiar voice. "Let's start your session now," Inocihi Yamanaka said as he opened the door wider and gestured for me to sit on an empty chair across his desk.
The feeling of regret for coming to this damn appointment washed over me as I took a step inside the T.I. department head's office. This would probably take long and my instinct tells me that I won't like every bit of it.
The sessions that Inoichi had with me did not help at all, it is just as I had expected. Upon his final evaluation of my mental state, he deemed me fit to continue my work as an ANBU operative despite the flaws in my character.
I'm not even a bit surprised by the result.
My actions and conduct had nothing to do with my skills and abilities as a shinobi so I don't get the reason why they needed to fix me in the first place. I still get any mission done just as well as how I did in the past and be able to stand my ground against opponents just as efficiently as before.
I may be a broken man, but I'm still that "cold-blooded Kakashi" on the battlefield.
I am currently outside her father's hospital room.
WIth a deep breath, I opened the door and faced the unconscious man lying on the bed.
Hideo oji-san still looked the same even though more than a decade had gone by with him being in this state, the only proof of his aging were the few wrinkles that now lined his face but it's barely even noticeable. His hair was naturally light since it was silver-blonde so there's no telling that he's been advancing in age just by looking at it.
I held his hand as I admitted my shortcomings, "I'm a complete idiot, oji-san." A tear rolled down my cheek as I contemplated the next words to say, "You'll probably be disappointed with how I turned out."
The place was too silent and depressing.
Oji-san's room lacked natural light since he was placed in the basement level of the hospital where only limited people were permitted access. The Senju clan head is an important figure in Konoha and him being hospitalized for this long had been a classified information that very few people knew about.
The only sound emanating within the confines of this place was the constant buzz of the medical equipment that was hooked up to the man in front of me. The quietness, despite the hushed beeping noise in the background, would be unbearable if ever oji-san became aware of his surroundings.
The stark white walls of this room would make anybody feel lonely and trapped, so I hope that Hideo oji-san would be transferred to a different section in the hospital if his medical state improved.
I heard from the medic assigned to him that he's been better than ever before.
I was informed about his improvement and was advised to visit him more often. They mentioned that anyone who's personally close to the patient in coma must talk and interact with them because it somehow helps in the recovery.
There's a high chance that he would finally wake up and all I could do now was hope things would continuously get better from here on.
"Please get well soon and wake up so you could put some sense into me." A soft smile graced my face as I looked at the man I highly regarded ever since I was young, "I know I'm behaving irrationally these days and it's all because of Sumire. It's not really her fault but I get unreasonable when it comes to her."
I sighed in frustration, "I guess she had that effect on me even when we were young, but it's even more evident now that I am an adult. She causes me to have all these crazy feelings and it's too much for me to handle these days."
The one-sided conversation I had with him somehow makes me feel better and lighter on the inside. I couldn't disclose any of this to other people because I didn't trust them to the extent of how I do with Hideo oji-san because I can freely tell him my innermost troubles without difficulty.
"If you're awake, you're piercing red eyes would probably burn holes in me because you'd be mad at how I let my emotions fuck me up." I slightly chuckle at my own words, "You'd probably scold me for using vulgar words casually, but I've changed so much since the last time we've had a real conversation."
It's been so long since I actually talked to him.
The last time I did was when he and Sumire had left for the capital. Oji-san had said farewell to me and my father before they departed. I hated that dreadful day to my core because it's when my life started to crumble. It's the beginning of my miserable existence despite being so young at the time because my troubles only kept piling up one on top of another afterwards.
I was only six years old then- an inexperienced genin who didn't really have a clue how the real world works, a young boy who had no idea how unkind life really is for most people.
I was still uncorrupted by this cruel world and wasn't tainted yet with the blood of my first kill.
I was merely that boy who Hideo Senju dotes on the same way he does with his daughter. His talented godson that he was proud to have because many labeled me as a prodigy before.
I was someone pure and innocent back then, and it is entirely the opposite of what I am now.
"I hope you won't be too displeased with me once you learn about the kind of person I've become," I told the unconscious man before I stood up and headed for the door to leave the hospital.
Why do I have such depressing thoughts these days?
I'm definitely neck-deep in my own misery.
One more fucking negativity and I'm sure I'd definitely snap and wouldn't be able to function like an acceptable human being in the society anymore. My current behavior was questionable and already very alarming to some.
The name Kakashi Hatake had several connotations attached to it already- the ANBU captain, cold-blooded killer, sharingan wielder, and the copy ninja. I just hope being labeled as crazy or insane wouldn't be a part of my moniker because people would never be able to handle me if that ever happened.
A shinobi of my caliber, having the skills that I possess and the rank I hold, going haywire is the last thing the leaf village needed.
The last time something like that happened, it caused panic and disarray in the shinobi ranks of Konoha. It was the incident involving Orochimaru of the Sannin, and I hope that I won't get to a certain point in my life where I would lose myself the same way that he did.
I know how much damage I can inflict if I fail to use my intellect in making good decisions or if I allow my emotions to lead to actions I might regret later on. So I need to hold my shit together or I might fall down into a bottomless pit that would be impossible for me to crawl out of and recover from without dire consequences.
I just hope the tides would turn in my favor soon.
I pray for some change that would bring out something positive in my life because no matter how fucked up I became, I believe I am deserving to have a bit of reprieve after all the damned things that happened in my life so far.
Don't I?