Rachel looked through the periscope, and honestly, I didn't know what she was finding so interesting about seeing torrential rain falling outside for the second day in a row. Not that it made any difference, because my mood was terrible. Mike and Tina left me that way, as wonderful as the baby news was. They were leaving, and apparently there was nothing we could say to change their minds. I looked at the hand-drawn map. I was never a good student in geography, but if my memory serves me correctly, they would have to cross several states, cross Maine to reach a fucking island in Canada that apparently proclaimed itself a country. In a brand new world where governments and economies have simply collapsed, indeed I can declare that the bunker is a country now that everything will be alright. I can declare myself the owner or queen of any piece of land, as long as I am able to defend it.
I looked at Mike, and I wanted to continue the discussion. I wasn't resigned and very little convinced that his plan would work. My uncle and Mike planned an emergency escape from the island, prepared cars, supplies, and everything. What happened later? We lost everything a few days later to a fucking militia. We couldn't get out of Ohio since that fucking doomsday! Finn lost his life, Father Hugo lost his life, and Daniel chose to join the militia. How did Mike expect to get to Canada without any disaster happening in the road?
"Do you think it wise for Tina to travel in her condition?" I insisted and everyone else rolled their eyes, because they couldn't stand to see Mike and me in this endless debate.
"Better now than if she is at an advanced stage of the pregnancy."
"It will get cold soon enough for the reapers to migrate south again... or hibernate. You should wait."
"Santana!" It was Brittany who caught my attention.
I hugged my legs and groaned. The fucking rain kept pouring down, no one came out of the bunker, and to top it all off, Blaine got a bit cold from all the rain we got in our heads to rescue Mike and Tina at the ranch.
"Fuck! How are you going to get to Canada without dying?" I couldn't hold back.
"Santana!" It was Rachel's turn to complain.
I glared at Mike and Tina. They weren't looking at me with anger, but with bewilderment. They seemed pretty sure they wouldn't want to raise their kid in a bunker lost in the middle of the woods with six other adults around. To be fair, a child would need an environment of civilization, where it could relate to other children. I know that was Tina and Mike's concern, but I couldn't help myself. I was emotional and terrified that they would leave and, even worse, that something would happen to both of them. I had lost too many people: my parents, Abuela, my uncle, Joe, Finn, Kurt, the Hummels. Not to mention all the other people I left behind in Lima. I know that all my friends in the bunker had the same losses as me, but I was emotional at that moment and I was scared.
I felt my girlfriend hug me because I started crying of all this, because of all this pain. Those people were my family, and I couldn't bear the thought of losing anyone else.
"I know it wouldn't be fair to ask you to come with us." Mike said in a blurry voice, he was emotional himself. "The bunker is a safe haven, and I have no right to ask you for anything to follow a daydream. Santana is right, this is a long shot, and it could be a deadly gamble."
"Santana..." Tina said in a soft voice. "Don't blame Mike. This idea wasn't his. It was mine. I'm the one who needs to get out of here. I won't bear to have my child in this place. It's not because of you, because I know you'll only have love to give it. What I can't stand is the idea of having my child in an environment without possibilities, when I know there's still a world out there. Canada is an idea, but there's nothing stopping Mike and I from finding a safe town along the way where we can stay. I need to get out of here, and it won't be long. It has to be before winter and even before my pregnancy progresses so far that I can no longer travel."
"What if we go with you?" Sam asked and I looked at him in astonishment. "I think Mike and Tina will be more likely to do that with us than traveling just the two of them."
"Sam, I would love for all of us to go together, but this is not my decision." Mike said in a still weak voice. "This is not a majority decision either. It is an individual decision." We fell silent, each pondering the possibility.
"You're wrong, Mike." Brittany objected. "This is a family and we have to decide as one."
It wasn't an easy decision, whatever it was.
...
You know what I missed most about Kurt? Because in Burt and Finn's absence, he was fixing mechanical problems. Sam and Mike are very poor substitutes for them. We had already spent more than twenty minutes guarding the boys while they tried to resuscitate one of the abandoned cars in the city. Mike and I learned a lot about engineering, but the truth is, we left the car mechanics part aside. In all honesty, I wasn't thinking about riding in a car any time soon.
"Do you guys need some help?"
I got scared and almost shot the person who came forward. It was Paul. He was different from the last time we saw him. He got new clothes, he shaved, took a shower and even improvised a spear by tying a knife to an iron bar. He was just still very thin, which was obvious, because no one puts on weight in a few days rationing food.
"Paul." Rachel said with cordiality.
"Girls and… Joe… and another guy. Glad to see you here."
"How have you been these days?" Rachel asked politely.
"I took some things for myself from that house and followed your advice. I got a little more food from other houses." He said with a sincere smile on his face.
"I am happy." Rachel nodded, but I remained attentive.
"Do you need some help?" Paul repeated the question.
"Only if you understand cars." Mike replied.
"I understand a little bit, Joe." I saw the look on Sam's face wondering why Paul was calling Mike as Joe. "Can I see it?"
Mike seemed to hesitate for a moment, but we had the upper hand here, and Paul didn't seem to have second thoughts. Mike nodded and Paul walked over to the car to have a look.
"Were you a mechanic?" Sam asked.
"No, I was a teacher at an Elementary School. My father sold second-hand cars, and my brother worked with him. I ended up learning something about cars." Paul checked the car. "The battery is okay and…" He took the tools the boys had brought and tinkered with a part I didn't understand. "Could you check if it works?"
Sam turned the ignition on and the car started. We celebrated, but not much, as the noise started to wake up zombies that were nearby. Mike lowered the car hood and gave the signal for Sam to go. He would drive the car up to the cell tower, and from there, it would be prepared for the trip. Mike, Rachel, Paul and I hide to lose the zombies. When we felt that we had avoided those fetid creatures, Paul smiled at us and said in a whisper.
"Are you leaving?"
"None of your business, Paul." Mike answered a little crossly.
"Okay… but hey, if you want cars, why don't you go to the dealership? All you'll need is to put in some gas and maybe revive the batteries. It's better than picking a used, abandoned truck."
In a way it was nice to have people who stated the obvious to us and made us look like idiots. We went to the dealership shop, which was a representative of the Nissan, Kia, Hyundai and Honda brands. Halfway there was a small gas station. Paul and Mike tried to see if there was any fuel left and started pumping by hand. The fact was, it did have fuel, so we filled three gallons. At the dealership shop, the cars on display inside the store didn't interest us, but those on the outside patio did.
Going into the store to get your hands on the sports cars meant running the risk of encountering a reaper along the way. In the patio, it was safer, and in fact there was only one zombie still dressed around, who didn't get up anymore. The spear in his head was an act of mercy for this guy who got contaminated and died probably in the opening moments of the apocalypse in Logan. The car Sam drove was a regular pickup truck, but there we chose two Nissan 4x4 double cab pickup trucks. Paul helped us revive the cars and we put little fuel in them, but it was enough to get us where we wanted to go.
"When are you leaving?" Paul asked with some sadness. "Not that I want to impose myself on you or take any notice."
"It's a family matter, Paul." Mike tapped the man on the shoulder. "You know a little mechanics, you know how to get some food, and you know you still have fuel at that gas station. You can get out of here whenever you want."
"Or stay and be king of this city." He smiled.
"As you wish."
Mike drove one of the trucks while Rachel and I got into the second. It was weird driving for the first time after months and months of not touching any wheels, and I struggled a bit at first, having to face a certain suspicious look from Rachel Berry. Fortunately, we had no more mishaps, and I was able to drive the car to the abandoned cell tower.
Once back in the bunker, we saw that Quinn, Blaine, Tina, and Brittany had already done a good deal of the work, which consisted of sorting out our travel supplies. Of course, you've guessed by now that the family's decision was to follow the two stooges. Mike wanted to get to such a Canadian island that it was now a country in its own right. Blaine and I were the only dissenters. Since I wasn't going to be without Brittany or even the others, and Blaine didn't want to be alone, travel was the way to go. So we got some road maps and planned a route.
"There is still fuel at an old gas station in town." Mike told the others. "The plan is to leave everything tidy in the cars and, on the day we leave, stop by this port to fill our reserves in the cans. We're going to have fuel to get to Canada without having to look for fuel on the road. This will reduce our risks. We leave in two days. It's officially a countdown."
I just nodded. I wasn't much in the mood for conversation these days beyond the essentials. And it wasn't just because I was outvoted. The issue was that we had a structure here, we had a safe place, a protective forest at least while there was daylight, we still had industrialized food for two or three months, we had a vegetable garden, we had hunting opportunities, we had huge fishing lakes an hour's walk, and a smaller one 20 minutes from our house. I did think of leaving the bunker when our resources were scarce or in case we identified a real and imminent danger. None of that happened. What happened was a pregnancy and first-time parents scared of a future in that environment in a world equally without a future. Mike didn't understand or didn't want to understand: our old society is dead.
...
It was a day of farewells. Instead of supplies, my travel bag held my clothes, toiletries, my slippers, and soon enough, my sleeping bag. I was sick of seeing so much optimism and expectation from my friends and my girlfriend. It even looked like we were leaving for Disney World or, I don't know, like we were on the eve of a school trip to Europe. I looked down at my leg holster. I hadn't worn the accessory for months.
"I'm going to the waterfall." I warned the others.
"Do you want me to go with you?" My girlfriend smiled, making the others look bored or envious.
"Not this time, my love." I kissed my girlfriend on the cheek, put my revolver in my leg holster and went for a walk, enjoying the slightly cloudy day, but no rain.
I walked leisurely through the forest and, deep down, I knew I would miss it. The waterfall was with large volume of water due to the rainy season. It was also the transition to autumn, and soon the rains would ease up. At least that's how it always worked in Ohio. I sat on top of a rock and watched the waters. I was melancholic, a little blue.
"Hey." Rachel approached cautiously. I was so distracted, I didn't even notice she followed me. "I know you wanted to be alone, but we still have rules, and we must travel through the woods in pairs at the very least."
"Okay." I tapped my hand on the rock and invited Rachel to sit next to me, and that's exactly what she did.
"Anxious about the trip?"
"Duh."
"Me too. I confess that I was torn between staying and going with Mike and Tina. On the one hand, I got used to it from here. On the other hand, I have that concern that there must be something resembling an organized civilization left over in which we might still have the possibility of doing something relevant."
"Something like Broadway?"
"Something like being able to sing again." I noticed that I wasn't the only one a little blue that day. Rachel looked at the waterfall and wiped away a tear. "He would like it here." Rachel started to cry. "He was so close to get here."
"I know, Rach. I'm sorry I couldn't save him."
Rachel wiped away the tears.
"I know you and Quinn did the best you could."
"I saved the wrong person."
"You saved who you could save." Rachel tried to regain her posture. "Today he would be turning 20."
"Today is..."
"August 24th."
"Wow. I guess I stopped keeping track of the calendar."
"You will turn 20 in three days, on August 27th."
"It seems crazy. 20 years old?"
"I've always found it interesting that you and Finn's birthdays are so close together, and that you share the same zodiac sign. Virgo."
"That sign never had anything to do with me."
"Down-to-earth, rational, systematic, attached to the everyday stuff, emotionally complicated... You and Finn are more alike than you'd like to admit. No wonder you were always teasing him."
"Okay, but to say that Finn was rational is a bit of a stretch."
Rachel laughed and wiped away another tear.
"He had his moments. I think Virgos are good natural leaders. Finn was a natural leader and a such good person despite the many flaws, just like you are."
"I didn't know you were into this zodiac sign business."
"I don't mind it, but I've always enjoyed it as an exercise in curiosity and entertainment."
"What's your sign?" I was curious, because even though I knew what my zodiac sign was, I was never really interested in these things.
"Sagittarius. Eccentric, exaggerated, indiscreet."
"Oh, that's quite Rachel Berry!" Rachel smiled and agreed that she was a bit of all that, despite going through a phase of introspection, a very quiet one, especially after Finn died. "I remember the first time I saw Finn Hudson." I thought if I shared some memories, Rachel would feel better on the birthday of the love of her life, at least so far. "We took Spanish class together. I don't know what Finn was doing there, but I was after an easy A. I remember he walked into the room in his letter jacket, because Finn played football in that awful middle school, and he went to McKinley already invited to join the football team. I confess that I thought he was a good-looking boy, but I lost interest as soon as he talked. He bored me at the very first time." I said in mock indignation and Rachel smiled.
"The first time I saw Finn was also in McKinley. We passed each other in the school hallway. He was wearing his famous letter jacket, along with other guys on the football team. I thought he was so handsome, but I spent a lot of time trying to get that out of my head because guys like him didn't get involved with theater kids like me. If I knew better..."
"Maybe there are things that are already written, Berry. You two were meant to be. You met and loved each other until the end of it."
"I think so. I knew we were meant to be from our first kiss. Even with all the inconvenient things that happened, I knew we were going to be together."
"Inconvenient things?"
"While we were making out on the auditorium stage, he got an erection and that was the inconvenient part."
"When was that?"
"Sophomore year. After Mr. Schue took over the choir and we performed Don't Stop Believin for the first time."
"Wait a minute, Finn was still dating Quinn, right?"
"Yes, he was dating Quinn."
"Oh, Rachel Berry, the homewrecker."
"That was something I never really felt guilty about."
"I liked him, you know?" I looked at Rachel. "I didn't like him romantically speaking, of course. But I liked him as my friend. He tried to be a good friend to me, and we weren't closer because I wouldn't let him. He respected me even the day I took his virginity as a mere cold and foolish display of power on my part. And even after everything, Rachel, even after a two-minute mechanical act where I just wanted to get out of that hotel room and never look at his face again, Finn asked to talk and bought me a snack. He was gentlemanly, he asked how I felt, like I had never done this before. I was a bitch to him. That's when he confessed that after the act, he was a little sad that it wasn't as special as he imagined it would be. I know he was talking about you. That if he was with you, then it would be really special. I have to agree with him, because when Brittany and I made love for the first time, that was the most special moment I've ever had when it comes to sex. Brittany was my first in many ways, but I wish she had been my first in that too."
"My first time with Finn wasn't a particularly happy time for him. But it was special because it was with him. I felt all those things that I think happens in the first time...a little pain, a little blood, a long way from having an orgasm. But I didn't regret it for a second, because it was with him. Afterwards, we improved considerably with practice." Rachel wiped away another tear. "I miss him so much… I loved him so much… Finn was the love of my life. I tried to move on with Sam, but there's no connection between us other than friendship. It's frustrating to feel so alone. It's frustrating to think that the only person here I feel a connection, who I believe could make me move on… this person is hopelessly committed...and in love with someone else."
"Are you talking about Mike?" I was very cautious at this point.
"No Santana, I'm not talking about Mike." She glared at me and then started crying again. "I'm very sorry. I didn't want to… feel this way. I know that if we make it through this road trip and make it to Canada, maybe I can meet someone who will make me move on from the both Virgo persons of my life."
I didn't have anything else to say. The only out of the ordinary gesture Rachel had with me was when she briefly kissed me at the New Year's party in the bunker. After that, she went back to acting like normal depressed Rachel Berry. I never suspected there was something more. I couldn't be what Rachel wanted me to be. I wouldn't cheat on Brittany either. So I consoled her like a friend: I hugged her and let her cry on my shoulder.
...
We had three pickup trucks in our convoy. Two brand-new ones, and one older, worn-out one. In the buckets were part of our provisions, and our traveling bags. The weapons and ammunition (and the water) were inside the cars, along with us. Sam and Blaine drove the older truck. Mike and Tina had a truck to themselves. I was driving the third one with Brittany, Quinn and Rachel.
My girlfriend was next to me, and she would occasionally put her hand on my leg and smile at me. Whenever that happened, I avoided looking in the rearview mirror and seeing Rachel at all costs. Rachel's confession didn't make me change how I felt about her. But because of Rachel's admission that she had feelings for me other than friendship made me automatically try not to get too affectionate with Brittany in front of her. I would take everything more calmly and naturally as time went on, but at that moment I was very uncomfortable. I spent months and months sleeping between Brittany and Rachel in that bunker and I never suspected a thing. Even because Rachel really hid her own feelings from everyone and everything. It may seem irrational, but I could only blame Finn for all of this. If he wasn't a good guy, he wouldn't have gotten shot and died, and Rachel wouldn't have fallen for me. Fuck you, Finn Hudson!
First, we stopped into Logan and pulled into the gas station we knew still had gas. It took nearly an hour for us to get the fuel pumped into the cans that were in Sam and Blaine's truck. In the meantime, Paul showed up to say goodbye. To my surprise, Mike handed him a map as a gift. It was the way for him to get to our bunker, the ranch and the garden, where he would find a safe place, some food and everything else we left behind.
The road was open, and the butterflies in my stomach were constant. Honestly, I had no idea what was coming.