Kenny smiled at the food in front of him. Stan kept making him food and Kenny thought that maybe his brother and sister must not be too angry because nothing too horrible had happened recently. His and Cartman's locker was still defaced on a regular basis and he suspected that Cartman was still receiving rude phone calls and maybe even some vandalism had taken place at the Cartman residence but neither was speaking of it and they certainly weren't sharing that information with anyone.

They were at lunch now and Stan always packed for him and made sure he ate it. Kenny usually ate most of the food, he would even if he didn't like it, just to please Stan; it was a bonus that the food was amazing and tended to melt in his mouth and Kenny very much looked forward to getting his meals now.

Kenny was quiet but that was nothing unusual. He talked more now than he had before, but it still wasn't much. He left the talking mostly to Cartman because it was just easier that way. He shot a quick glance Kyle's way to see where his attention was.

Kyle wasn't looking at him, thankfully. They had developed a bit of an odd relationship as Kyle often sought him out, demanding to see his arms, checking his veins, and even demanding to check his feet at times, checking him thoroughly for any track marks that might be left behind. He was mercifully spared from having Wendy check him and Cartman either didn't seem overly concerned or knew Kyle was handling it. Kenny would heat up with shame, embarrassed he couldn't share this with Stan, and wondered if Kyle had. Stan never said anything alluding to it, so Kenny's guess was that Kyle was keeping quiet for the time being.

It'd been nearly three weeks since their little drug detox weekend and Kenny had no desire to be put through that again. From the anxiety that surfaced in Kyle's eyes when he thought he saw something resembling a track mark, Kenny could easily guess that Kyle also had no desire to go through that weekend again. He was sure Wendy didn't and he knew Cartman would not be pleased. All of that didn't prevent Kenny from still managing to sneak in a couple of uses here or there.

There was a light touch on his hand and Kenny glanced over to Stan, who was looking at him with concern. The chatter around their table continued, Butters was regaling the table with his adventure from last night that apparently consisted of him running into a group of teenagers in the woods; Butters still wasn't quite grasping what had happened but the others at the table were able to guess he'd stumbled into an impromptu party that involved a lot of drinking as Butters had been showing signs of a hangover all day.

Everyone else melted away and their voices became muted while he was under Stan's gaze. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Kenny vaguely wondered if he was becoming more codependent than was healthy. "Everything okay?" Stan asked quietly so as not to distract anyone from Butters' enchanting tale.

Kenny squeezed his fingers lightly, hoping his touch was as reassuring as Stan's were and gave a quick nod of his head. Stan smiled and let the subject drop, always one to take Kenny at his word and not push for which Kenny was forever grateful.

Ω

Stan grinned widely at Kenny, whom he'd talked into going to the Conservatory and Botanical Gardens with him. When they'd been in elementary school together, the class would frequent the place on field trips. Stan had considered asking Kenny to join him at the theater or for dinner, but Stan wanted to interact which wasn't really feasible at the theater. At least conversation wasn't feasible at the theater and he didn't want to push his limits in any other areas. His own dietary restrictions made him nix any restaurant plans.

He wasn't really sure if this would be considered a date, but it'd probably be the closest thing. Plus, it's not as if they were trying to woo each other, he just genuinely enjoyed spending time with the other. They had spent a considerable amount of time together, just talking and playing games. Stan's only complaint was that he sometimes felt like Cartman was part of the relationship.

It would be nice for it just to be the two of them. Kenny hadn't made moves to initiate anything physical and that was fine-Stan figured the more he waited, the sweeter it'd be. He was a romantic at heart, after all. Stan spent a few nights over and Kenny's nightmares were still awful, though Stan was thrilled Kenny wasn't reaching for needles.

Simultaneously, he felt guilty because he was still hiding his own addiction from Kenny, but he was scared Kenny would push him away if he knew. He'd experienced that pushing away from Kyle, from Wendy, and he suspected other friends once they realized how much he relied on the alcohol. He'd been better but knew he couldn't use Wendy as a crutch forever.

The Gardens seemed the best place to go as it was educational and Cartman would have no desire to tag along. There was an interactive exhibit that Stan was interested in checking out, he'd read good reviews about it on Yelp and heard from word of mouth that it was pretty fun.

Kenny allowed himself to be pulled through the Gardens by Stan, admiring the displays of colorful flowers, appreciative of the signs Stan read aloud that went into detail over what the specific plant was and how it contributed to the ecosystem.

Kenny was relieved that Stan simply read the signs without question. It had been horribly humiliating when it had come out that Kenny's literacy level was severely lacking. Kyle was tutoring him during study hall and sometimes after school, which provided cover for Kyle's frequent drug inspections.

They walked through a sprawling butterfly exhibit and Stan cringed when he saw the sadness in Kenny's eyes. He should have known the butterfly exhibit might remind him of Karen. He didn't ask as he wanted the outing to be remembered in a more positive light. He hurried through the butterflies and Kenny made no complaints. He'd saved the best for last or Stan hoped it would be the best part.

"I've heard really good things about this exhibit," Stan gushed, happy to be away from the butterflies and still excited he was getting to spend time with Kenny sans Cartman and nightmares.

Kenny perked up, the last vestiges of sadness from the butterflies fading quickly at Stan's excitement.

They approached the exhibit and stopped before entering it. On a small, white platform was a journal and a pen, inviting guests to write what they thought when they exited. "It's called Field," Stan explained to Kenny as they walked through the door to see the exhibit. "It's a projection and it reacts to motion." Inside the exhibit room, it was dark with a long wall to one side.

"It reacts to motion?" Kenny asked, glancing around, noting a projector mounted high up, opposite of the wall they were facing. There was another projector cleverly hidden in the floor pointing upwards towards the wall as well.

"Yes," Stan said and stepped so he was right in front of the wall that both projectors were trained to. He made a wide motion with one hand, jerking it downwards in an arc and colors sprang to life in front of him. There was bright blue, pink, and purple hues. Stan waved his other arm across his body and more colors burst forth before him.

Stan grinned while Kenny laughed, pleased. Stan glanced back at Kenny, who was still hanging back. "Come on," he encouraged, beckoning with a hand, creating more swirls of color and activity from where he moved his hand. There were tulips blooming on the wall now and little butterflies and bees weaving in and out of the field that was coming to life before Stan.

Kenny joined Stan in front of the wall and moved his arms about in wide arcs, laughing again as more colors sprang to life. The bright hues began to meld into each other, more flowers forming as the two continued to move. Stan grinned at Kenny, "Hey, watch!" He took off at a light jog towards the opposite end of the wall and colors chased him as he moved.

Kenny laughed again and went the other way, a stream of colors following along. They stopped and met back in the middle, both smiling and still waving their arms, trying to get pieces of the wall they had missed, swiping down low and up high until the whole wall was dancing with the image of a vibrant, colorful field. After the entire wall was full, the projection vanished, leaving a blank wall before them again.

Both Stan and Kenny were laughing and waved their hands, creating more color. Now the colors were darker hues, red, dark blues, iridescent orange. More laughter joined them and they turned to see a family entering the exhibit, two young children running around and jumping wildly in front of the wall, delighted giggles at the images that projected onto the wall with their movement. One of them began running about, past Stan and Kenny, grinning at them. The parents shot the two teenagers apologetic looks but the teens just smiled at them. Stan was thrilled that the exhibit was as entertaining and as fun, as he'd hoped. Kenny was just happy to feel some semblance of normalcy.

When Kenny and Stan left the exhibit, they stopped by the platform with the notebook. Stan looked over at Kenny. "What did you think of it?"

"Amazing," Kenny assured him with a wide smile. Stan returned a wide smile of his own and wrote that single word down in the book.

Lather that evening, Kenny stared up at the ceiling listening to Stan's rhythmic breathing. As usual, the other had made sure to grab his hand under the covers in an effort to reassure him that he wasn't alone. Kenny really couldn't figure out why Stan kept coming around; what was he getting out of this?

He was always willing to show up and just be there, no questions asked. He spent so much time with him. Yes, he said he loved him, but it kind of seemed like there wasn't much Stan didn't love or care about. Above all, he believed that Kenny was still worth something, an idea that Kenny himself had trouble grasping considering everything that had conspired regarding his family.

Even putting all that aside, Stan had gotten beaten up, teased mercilessly, involved in more than one fight, and who knows how many times he'd been in trouble with his parents. And all for what? So he could offer comfort and sanity and ask nothing in return.

Kenny's fingers slipped out of Stan's hand and he rolled onto his side and propped himself up with his elbow so he could see his friend sleeping next to him more easily. They had done nothing since Stan had kissed him, he had said they wouldn't do anything else unless Kenny initiated it.

Kenny had been surprised of all the changes that Stan had been through during those missing years. It hadn't really occurred to him the entire time he'd been away that Stan wouldn't be dating Wendy, he thought for sure they'd be together. He was also surprised that Stan even had any interest in him.

Or that he had any interest in Stan that way. And he hadn't, not initially, until Stan had gone out of his way to show how much he cared. He briefly wondered if the attraction he felt was because he felt indebted. He discarded the idea. After all, he didn't feel this way about Eric and if he owed anyone anything more than Stan, it was Eric. He guessed Kyle or Wendy could probably answer any sexuality questions he had since those two were basically walking encyclopedias but both terrified him so they were out of the question.

He never thought he'd see the day where he was actually so unnerved by someone he once considered one of his best friends. It just unnerved him so much that Kyle knew. He practically knew everything. All he needed was one or two heart to hearts with Eric Cartman and he would know everything and Kenny didn't like feeling this exposed. Not to mention Kyle was unnerved with Kenny and he always seemed angry or annoyed with him. Kenny wasn't sure if he was imagining it or not. It was like Kyle had truly morphed into Sheila in these last few years. He wondered if someone would say he'd turned out to be just like his own parents.

Wendy scared him on an entirely different level than Kyle. He knew it had been her to break things off with Stan and it didn't escape Kenny just how much more attractive Wendy had grown over the years. Sure, she was with Token, but from the conversations he'd managed to eavesdrop on, it sounded like the two weren't serious and were in a more off-and-on-again relationship, just biding their time. Token was always talking about hot chicks with Eric in homeroom so it's not as if the rumors were totally unfounded.

He refocused his attention on Stan. He stuck his hand out hesitantly barely touching the other's cheek with the back of his hand. He froze for a moment, half expecting his siblings' spirits to burst forth and threaten to torture him or, worse, Stan. He wanted so badly to show affection and more to his friend and he knew that the other likely craved it at this point. As if sensing his thoughts, Stan leaned into the touch. Encouraged, Kenny moved his hand slowly from the cheek to the forehead, twisting it so his fingers were now slowly grazing across Stan's forehead until he brought them slowly down the cheek and across the lips, imitating what Stan had once done to him.

Kenny let his fingers rest on the lips, watching the other sleep. They stayed like that for a minute until Stan's mouth twitched and the tips of Kenny's index and middle fingers were against teeth. He probably should have moved them but he didn't. He watched as the other's body became more aware of something foreign in his mouth, Kenny felt the tongue through the teeth and Stan made a couple of confused noises in his sleep. Kenny grinned. It wasn't every day someone had a couple fingers in their mouth while sleeping. He debated whether to take them out and trying to go back to sleep but abandoned the idea when he realized Stan was starting to wake.

Stan managed to pry one eye open, confused as to why he had a weird taste in his mouth; he had definitely used mouthwash so this was not okay in his book. It took him a minute as he thought he was having another one of those dreams again. Kenny was looking down at him intently and there it was again; that look in those sky blue eyes that Stan recognized as a different kind of hunger. Stan realized the taste he had in his mouth was from fingers, more specifically Kenny's fingers in his mouth.

He glanced up at the other, unsure if he should move or speak. Hesitant but curious eyes peered down at him and Stan couldn't think of anything else to do except open his mouth a little wider to get more of the fingers in his mouth, first to the knuckles, and then to the base of the two fingers. He swirled his tongue around them and sucked lightly, his eyes never straying from Kenny's. He wanted to know that Kenny was okay with him. So far, he had just stared down, looking on fascinated. If this was all Stan was going to get, he was going to make the most of it. He sucked a little harder and a moan escaped his lips. He broke eye contact feeling a little embarrassed at the noise, he hadn't really meant to moan.

Stan took his mouth off the fingers and kissed them before going back to sucking on them. The lower regions of his body were definitely responding to this. He couldn't help but moan again. He looked back up only to see those blue eyes darkened with something Stan had yet to see in the other. A strangled sound came out of Kenny's throat and suddenly the fingers were gone and lips were smashed against his mouth, a tongue forcing its way into his mouth, replacing the fingers. Kenny rolled himself til he was over Stan, propping himself with one arm, the other hand finding its way into black strands.

Stan hadn't ever felt such force from anyone he'd shared saliva with before, this was even more desperate and insistent than their first kiss had been. Kenny's tongue explored his mouth, running along the back of his upper and lower teeth, feeling along the roof of his mouth. Stan was finally able to get his tongue into Kenny's mouth once he recovered from the initial shock. His own hands went up to Kenny's hair, running his fingers freely through it. There was a deep groan from Kenny and Stan shivered, enjoying the feel of it in his mouth and knowing the need that went along with it. He was sure Kenny had neglected this area of his life for the past few years, likely out of some preconceived notion he didn't deserve to feel pleasure.

There was another groan again as Kenny leaned further into Stan, choosing to drop himself over the other completely, bringing the other hand up to run through the sleek black hair. Stan sucked in a breath at the sound and the sudden weight on him. He wanted to hear that groan again and caught Kenny's tongue with his mouth, sucking on it hard. He got what he wanted, throaty groan after groan the only thing Stan cared to hear. He pressed the other closer to him, wanting him to feel the reaction he had stirred. Kenny responded by emanating more pleasurable sounds from his throat and Stan worried he might just be satisfied with the sounds alone.

After a minute, Kenny suddenly jerked away, leaving Stan cold and alone. "I can't, I can't," Kenny was muttering, his hands reaching up to pull at his hair. Stan closed his eyes for a couple of minutes, steadying his breath, and trying to push aside his disappointment and worry. He grabbed Kenny's hand.

"It's okay, Kenny, it's fine. I've told you before, we don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

"They're here, they see me," Kenny stated flatly. Stan said nothing in response, just tightened his hold. Kenny was sitting up now, back to Stan as he stared into the darkness of the room before him. Stan remained laying down, unsure what to do. Finally, Kenny asked into the darkness of the room, "Don't you want to know, Stan?" He turned so he could look down at Stan, "Don't you want to know what happened?" Stan had never asked or broached the subject of Kenny's past.

Stan stared up at him, sincerity fierce in his eyes. "Only if and when you want to tell me."

"You don't want to know anything about it?"

Stan simply shook his head slightly, propping himself up on the pillow beneath him. "Like I said only if and when you want to tell me." He realized it was true and he had another thought, one that scared him deep into his core. He didn't voice it, focusing more on reassuring Kenny, "I love you."

Even if it was you, I'd still love you.

Ω

It was another day and Kyle was checking Kenny over. Kenny squirmed uncomfortably, squeezing his eyes shut like he normally did, wishing it would be over soon. Since Kyle had started officially tutoring him, Kenny was seeing even more of Kyle than he cared to. Today was their first official after-school tutor session at Kyle's house. By official, Kyle would finally start getting school credit for the effort he was putting forth. Kenny had managed to evade Kyle's house for some time now, only having to do brief tutor sessions at school. Today, though, he'd had no excuse and even Cartman didn't offer him an out to escape this session.

"Okay," Kyle finally stated after a few tense moments. The air was tense but Kenny figured it would just always be tense between them. He wasn't sure why entirely. He'd just accepted that maybe Kyle didn't like him. It was fine, he was sure his siblings didn't think he deserved to have anyone like him.

"Yeah," Kenny replied, unsure what to say, pulling his sleeves back down to his wrists. He fiddled with the ends of them uncertainly. After a moment, he slid down to the floor, leaning up against the bed, waiting. Kyle moved away from him and grabbed the book Kenny had brought with him. It was an English assignment and Kenny really didn't understand much of it. He was having trouble with history. The only subject he was doing decently at was math. He wasn't stellar by any means, but he was passing.

Kyle flipped the book open and glanced at the notebook that contained some of Kenny's childlike-looking handwriting. It was clear he had gaps in his years of schooling. Kenny desperately wished Kyle would say something because it was starting to feel like he couldn't breathe and maybe he needed something just to deal with being around Kyle. He fought down the urge to bolt through the door and flee from the house, wanting to get in Kyle's good graces. He was Stan's best friend, after all. Stan had made considerable efforts to impress Eric.

Some paper rustled, breaking the silence and Kyle deciphered what was written in the notebook. "All right, so," and Kyle was all friendly business about the tutoring, easily settling onto the floor next to Kenny. Kenny could see why he tutored as he was good at it, he didn't make Kenny feel stupid when he asked questions, though Kenny was always half expecting him to. He didn't belittle him for any of the questions asked or roll his eyes or anything. He simply explained and explained and didn't seem to mind repeating himself if needed.

Kyle assured Kenny he wouldn't understand everything right away, but that was okay, that was part of being tutored. You would just have to keep at it until it sunk in and keep asking questions. As they were wrapping up, Kenny decided to try to get some things out in the open.

"I'm sorry," he said, rather lamely. He had been planning on asking why Kyle always seemed so angry or annoyed at him. But after this tutor session and Kyle's seemingly endless patience during the other tutor sessions, he just felt like he needed to apologize. He had thought of it doing so a couple of times at school but feared they'd make a scene. Now seemed like the perfect opportunity.

"For what?"

"I don't know, just. That stuff." That stuff you said.

Kyle exhaled heavily. "You mean that stuff I told you that weekend?" Kenny nodded miserably, unsure what else to say. He felt tears pricking at the back of his eyes at the memory. Kyle sighed again, long and sad. His words were weary, "It's- I mean, I can't say it's okay. I didn't want to be so harsh, but…" Kyle trailed off, running a hand through his hair, knocking his hat off.

"Do you hate me?" There. He'd said it. Something Kenny had often wondered especially in recent weeks.

Kyle looked shocked for a second then shook his head, a sad smile on his lips. "No, I don't hate you, Kenny. I worry about you and I worry about Stan. And…"

"You worry that I'm bad for Stan?"

Kyle pursed his lips for a moment. "Sometimes, yeah."

"Am I?"

Kyle raised his brows at the question and shot back, "Are you?"

Kenny shrugged. "I don't know. I don't think so. He seems happy."

"He is happy," Kyle agreed. "I just…What if one time you don't come back?" Kyle asked, voicing the fear he'd had been trying to keep a tight lid on since he realized that his nightmares and reality were the same thing. "What happens when you die for real? When you stay dead?"

"I haven't died in almost a whole month," Kenny was quick to point out.

Kyle laughed a little at that, the sad laugh that one had when something heavy was weighing on their chest. After a moment, he put his hands up to his face, enclosing his nose and mouth, and inhaled and exhaled deeply. The hands dropped away and he shook his head. "That… see, that is the issue, Kenny. That you even have to say something like that…"

"I can't help it," Kenny protested, starting to get offended.

"I know, I know you didn't choose to be this way," Kyle quickly cut him off. "I'm not saying that. But I am glad that you aren't dying like you were. I probably haven't said it, but thank you for that. I know the drug detox was hard and it'd be easier to just keep doing it and dying and thank you for not doing that."

"Eric has said before that the deaths are hard on him. Are they really that hard?" After all, the one dying was Kenny, not them. Kenny couldn't help but think it was a bit unfair. Kyle's reaction shocked him.

Kyle put a palm over his own mouth and then turned to look at Kenny with wide, disbelieving eyes. He blinked hard a few times and Kenny was stunned to realize Kyle was blinking back tears. He didn't think he'd ever seen Kyle falter or come across any type of way except harsh and irritated like Sheila.

Kyle let his hand fall to the floor and looked away from Kenny, eyes downcast, staring hard at the floor. "Yes, Kenny, it's really hard," he got out in a strained voice. "When you first got back, it was so good to see you. And then you died nearly right away. That was horrible, it was like you had finally come home just to die," Kyle's voice dropped lower as he spoke.

"But I'm still here."

A strangled sound came out Kyle's mouth, somewhere between a laugh and a sob. "Yeah, but for how long this time? Every time, I wondered if you were going to come back. At first, I thought I was crazy, Kenny. I thought- I thought I was imagining you. That maybe you really had died already and there was someone impersonating you. I was so confused. Then everyone would act like there hadn't been a funeral and that you'd never died!"

Kyle knew he probably wasn't making sense; it was hard to make any sense of that part of his life. Kyle looked at Kenny again, silent tears in his eyes, a few having already slipped out. "Kenny, what happens if Stan starts remembering all this? What then?" There was a pause and Kyle admitted through tears, "You scare me."

Kenny was gutted. He hadn't realized that Kyle was trying to keep such a tight lid on his emotions and basically trying to stay sane, it sounded. It also sounded like Kenny was partially the root cause of the imagined insanity. Not only that, but Kyle was genuinely fearful of him and what he entailed. It never once occurred to Kenny that someone might be legitimately frightened by all of this- Eric had never been frightened but Eric had known since before grade school. Kyle had only recently found out and Kenny had started dating his closest friend in the meantime.

Kenny reached out, lightly touching Kyle's arm, hoping that was okay. Kyle simply nodded his head, not trusting himself to say anything else, feeling very much on the verge of a total breakdown. A minute later, Kyle was leaning heavily against his shoulder, taking in large breaths between quiet sobs, and Kenny found himself the one muttering assurances of I'm not going anywhere and I won't kill myself again and I promise. It was an odd feeling, being the comforter instead of the comforted but it was also refreshing, a nice change of pace for him.

Kyle spoke again after several long minutes of companionable silence. "If you could change it, would you?"

"You mean make it so I'd stay dead?"

"Yeah."

"I don't know. I mean, I don't want to do this for eternity. But I'm not sure. I stopped thinking about it a while ago."

"Oh." There was more silence and Kyle piped up, "Cartman is clearly manipulating you if he's saying your deaths are hard on him." Kenny cracked up and even Kyle smiled. Some things never change.