A/N: Rated M for mature language, ie cursing. Crossposted on AO3 with the same name

Chicago, Illinois, USA, 1918

[Carlisle bites Edward, and the teenager turns into a vampire, loses his memories and gains new ones from a previous life as a Twilight-reader.]

Edward: …?

Carlisle: I apologise, but it was the only way to save you. I promised your mother that I'd take care of you.

Edward: … What did you do? How'd I get here? Who are you?

Carlisle (thinking): Is it amnesia?

[Carlisle introduces himself, explains who Edward is, as well as vampires and the Spanish Flu-situation.]

Edward: I'm who? I'm what?

Carlisle: You… You are a vampire.

Edward: So I'm immortal? Sweet!

Edward leaves the bed.

Edward: Oh damn, I sparkle. Ew. Can I turn that off?

Carlisle (thinking): What in the Holy Trinity is happening?

Edward: Could you maybe think a little quieter? It's… weird to listen to.

Carlisle:

Carlisle: Pardon?

{Achievement Unlocked! •Immortality For The Win•}

{Achievement Unlocked! •The Father and the Son and the… Holy Spirit?•}

Chicago, Illinois, USA, 1918

Carlisle: Why… Why are you so calm? Aren't you… thirsty?

Edward (shrugging): Oh yeah, I'm extremely thirsty. It's annoying, really, but I'm immortal, so I'm not very worried.

Carlisle:

Carlisle (sighing): Please, why aren't you normal? Where'd your bloodthirst go?

Edward: Majorca, most likely.

{Achievement Unlocked! •You Little Shit•}

Ciel_of_the_Night's Contribution Part 1:

Chicago, Illinois, USA, 1918

[Carlisle seeks out an old vampire friend. His letter (bc yes, they met during the Renaissance) asked for "urgent help with questions regarding the nature of vampirism".]

Old friend: So, I'm here. What's up my dude?

Carlisle: I'm sorry for making you come all the way over here, but I have a very important question.

Old friend: Go on.

Carlisle: … Can turning into a vampire make someone… gay?

Old friend: …

Carlisle: Don't look at me like that! He was all moody and dark before, now all he does is wear pink and cooks for homeless people!

Old friend: And I came all the way here for this. Reimburse me my flight money.