Somewhere in North America, ca 1950s

Alice: Howdy! My visions said we should join you. This is Jasper!

Jasper:

Carlisle: … Sure.

Edward: Howdy Alice, Jasper, welcome to the fam. This is Carlisle, our father; Esme, our mother; Rosie—

Rosalie: Call me that again and die.

Edward: —my moody sister; Emmett, my brother; and me! I'm Edward *waves*

Alice: Hello, fam! I have visions of potential futures.

Carlisle: Oh no, not another one.

Somewhere in North America, ca 1950s

[Edward is in the kitchen again, cooking. Alice and Jasper join him out of curiosity.]

Alice: They're gonna appreciate that a lot.

Edward: Was that important enough to have a vision about?

Alice (snorting): No; I don't need visions to know that looks delicious.

Edward: Well, thank you!

Alice: Question.

Edward: Answer.

Alice (grinning): How come you're the only one without a mate?

Edward: Because I don't need one to be happy, I guess? I'm fine as I am.

Edward (thinking): And then there's Bella. But… fuck that noise.

[Having noticed Edward's pink wardrobe, Alice comes to a… conclusion.]

Alice: Hm…

Jasper (cringing): Alice, no.

Alice: Alice, yes!

[Alice runs off.]

Edward:

Jasper:

Edward: Should I be worried?

Jasper: Yes.

Ciel_of_the_Night's Contribution Part 2:

A rainy town somewhere in North America, ca 1960s

Edward: Alice, seriously, where are we going? We've been driving for hours.

Alice: mentally counting backwards in Latin, her new favourite language. I told you, we're staging an intervention.

Edward: What does that even mean?

[Alice starts to mentally sing a made-up tune about sucking on popsicles. That should have been his first clue. Edward is ushered into a dark basement blindfolded. Suddenly, the blindfold is janked off and he is greeted by a party (heh) of people, most of whom he's never seen before. There's one detail they all have in common, though (besides being dead) - they're all guys.]

Edward (to Alice): What is this?

Alice (ignores him): Let's get this party started people, our guest of honour has arrived!

[Edward has no choice but to join in the celebration, though it isn't until the third guy has propositioned him that he realises.]

Edward (to Alice): … Did you seriously?

Alice: We want you to find someone, Eddie! Even if that someone has the same appendage as you :D

Edward: For the HUNDRETH TIME, I'm not gay!

[Every vampire in the room turns to look at him.]

The closest vampire (a youngish looking guy with shoulder-long blond hair and impeccable taste in clothes looks him up and down): That's too bad ;)

{Achievement Unlocked! •Best Gay Guy Friend Graham•}

Inspired by tumblr thread by escullen:

A city somewhere in the US, ca 1950s

[Rosalie and Emmett finds Edward in the kitchen]

Rosalie: More food for the home— *sees all the vials and dilution equipment* What in the fresh fuck is that?

Emmett: New recipe?

Edward: Of sorts. I am so fucking tired of not sleeping so I'm making alcohol. I'm also sure we can drink 100% of it because immortality but that doesn't make us drunk so I gotta figure that out too

Rosalie: Edward no

Edward: Edward yes!

[And for the first time in vampire history, three vampires got drunk off their arses. Edward also made bank on selling alcohol to vampires.]

{Achievement Unlocked! •Liquor might not solve all your problems, but it's worth a shot•}

Same city somewhere in the US, ca 1960s

Rosalie: I can't take it anymore!

Emmett: Come on baby, we've only got one year left

Rosalie: What? No, I don't care about that. I just want to kiss you without Edward singing about it from across the room

[Edward enters the chat]

Edward: ~Rosalie and Emmett sitting in a tree~

Rosalie: Murder

Emmett (snorting): Remember, you love him

Rosalie: Not right now

Emmett: Okay… Hey, I've got an idea!

[A few days later, they fake their death and yeet across states to get some privacy]

Charlie (sighing): Why can't my children be normal?

{Achievement Unlocked! •Rosalie and Emmett Sitting in a Tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G•}