Forks, Washington, USA, 2003
[Jacob runs up to Edward one day after school.]
Jacob (whispering in Edward's ear): You're vampires!
Edward:
Emmett:
Alice:
Jasper:
Rosalie:
Rosalie: Fuck you Edward, now we have to kill him
Jacob: What
Edward: No one's killing anyone!
Alice (having a vision): Ooh puppy!
Jacob: What
Edward: We're vampires, you're a werewolf, we're all magical creatures, surprise!
Jacob:
Jacob: You what now
Jacob: I WAS JOKING
Edward:
Edward: Uh… oops?
Forks, Washington, USA, 2003
[Edward and Co have taken Jacob to their house to talk in private. Jacob is not happy.]
Edward: Why did you think we were vampires?
Jacob: You're pale as shit—
Edward: Language
Jacob: —you never eat—
Rosalie: How do you know that?
Jacob: I spy on you sometimes, so what?
Emmett: That's a bit creepy
Jacob: Shut up! You're the vampires here!
Edward: And you'll never reveal this to anyone, right? Welcome to the fam, pup
Jacob (sobbing): Stop calling me that!
La Push, Washington, USA, 2003
Jacob: Stop following me
Edward: Why don't you turn into a wolf? What am I doing wrong?
Jacob: For the millionth time, I'm not a werewolf
Edward (scoffing): Of course you're not. Stephenie Meyer fuck up your family's legends. But you are a shapeshifter, though you can only turn into a wolf. Therefore, werewolf
Jacob:
Jacob: How much cocaine did you take today?
Edward (grinning): Bold of you to assume I need any
Jacob: Touché
Port Angeles, Washington, USA, 2003
[Jacob and his father Billy are out shopping when… Yeah, you can guess by now.]
Jacob: —and he keeps calling me pup no matter what I say and I think I'm going to call him vamp or something similar and—
Edward: Hey, what's wrong with "pup"?
Billy: …
Jacob: Do you see this, dad? He's following me everywhere!
Billy: I hope you haven't forgotten the promise, pale-face
Edward:
Jacob:
Edward: Rude
Jacob: Not you too dad, please not you too
Forks, Washington, USA, 2004
[Rosalie enters the back garden. Edward is hiding in the bushes and scares the shit out of her.]
Rosalie: And why are you hiding there?
Edward: I'm thinking
Rosalie: In mum's roses?
Edward: It's in vogue, didn't you know?
Rosalie: I'm serious, why are you here?
Edward: Well. I'm panicking
Rosalie: … What? You, Edward Cullen, are panicking? Over what? Is that even possible?
Edward (snorting): Thanks for the confidence, but yes, it is totally possible for someone as amazing as me to lose my cool
[Rosalie rolls her eyes.]
Edward: So yes I'm not doing very bueno right now
Rosalie: Which is why you're hiding by the roses?
Edward (winking): Why so obsessed, dear sister? Don't appreciate me being so near your namesake?
Rosalie: Why do I bother
[Rosalie leaves. Edward doesn't move, just watches the leaves fall from the forest trees.]
Edward (miming): I really don't want to meet Bella