Forks, Washington, USA, 2005
[Edward kicks open Carlisle's office door (at the hospital). Carlisle spills his coffee on his robes.]
Edward: It went fine!
Carlisle (cursing): Not for me… Why are you here?
Edward: I want hugsies!
Carlisle:
Carlisle: Excuse me? No
Edward: Admit that you're proud nothing happened at school~
Carlisle (sighing): … Alright. Come here. You did good
Taken from tumblr thread by escullen (on Pinterest):
Forks, Washington, USA, 2005
[It's 4AM and Carlisle is DoneTM with his children. He's been drinking too much of Edward's vampire alcohol and is now driving around Forks for some peace and quiet. But the fun is cut short when he drives past Charlie Swan and is stopped for an alcohol test.]
Charlie (concerned): Dr Cullen your blood alcohol content is literally 100% how are you not dead?
Carlisle (fucking wasted and shirtless): Au contraire I'm absolutely fucking dead
[No Carlisle has no idea where his shirt went. Out the window, probably. And yes he gets a ticket. Yes Charlie calls Esme to pick her husband up. No he doesn't tell anyone about whatever crazy shit Carlisle just said.]
{Achievement Unlocked! •Vodka Look at That?•}
(QuillMoores suggested the achievement name and it was too good not to use. Thanks love!)
Forks, Washington, USA, 2005
Edward: So, anyone gonna tell me why dad's a drunken mess and why my stash of alcohol has been raided?
[No one snitches.]
Edward (sighing): I was gone for five minutes, guys. Five minutes. How the fuck did he chug enough alcohol to— to—
Rosalie: Wow Eddie, I never thought I'd see you lose you tongue
Edward:
Edward: Shut up. And stop calling me that, Rosie
Rosalie: Pot, meet kettle
Edward: I usually love you, but right now I don't
Rosalie (theatrically): Oh dear, what do I do? I think I'm heart broken
Emmett: *snorts violently*
Edward: Screw all of you! And leave my alcohol alone!
Forks High School, Forks, Washington, USA, 2005
[The next time Edward shares a class with Bella, he can't resist. He takes a deep breath.]
Edward: Motherfucker!
Bella: ?
Entire class: Nani
Edward: Why do you smell so good? You're like a walking bakery!
Bella: What. What the fuck?
{Achievement Unlocked! •Walk of Shame•}
Forks, Washington, USA, 2005
Jacob: Sooooo
Edward (tearing up): I think this is the first time you've genuinely sought me out. Let me— Gimme a moment. I think I'll cry
Jacob:
Jacob: Fucking ew. Forget I said anything
Edward: Noooooo what can daddy do for you?
Jacob: *demonic screeching*