Forks, Washington, USA, 2005
Edward: Okay, so, lemme guess. Your sister's childhood friend Bella just moved in and she's cuter than you expected
Jacob:
Jacob: How? How the fuck? How did you know?
Edward: I'm a bit of a… mind-reader *winks*
Jacob:
Jacob: You can actually read them, can't you
Edward: Yes. Yes I can
Jacob: I hate you
Forks, Washington, USA, 2005
Edward: Just so you know, pup, you can take her
Jacob: ?
Edward: Because I sure as hell don't want that empty doormat of a person
Jacob: Excuse you, but what the fuck—
Edward: Language
Jacob: —are you on about?
Edward: So it doesn't matter what fate or destiny or Stephenie Meyer wants, I don't like her so you can have her
Jacob: Stop ignoring me!
Edward: Sorry, did you say something?
Jacob: *screeches*
Forks High School, Washington, USA, 2005
[It is once again Biology. Since Edward didn't fuck off to Alaska and he and Bella can be near each other, their relationship is less frosty than in canon.]
Bella (like one week into moving): Sup Eddie?
Edward: Did you speak to Alice or Rosalie, perchance?
Bella: Alice is adorable and precious and I will fight you for her
Edward:
Edward: I can help you fight Jasper for her if you want
[He cannot contain his hope.]
Edward: Are you lesbian?
Bella:
Bella:
Bella: Most definitely not, no matter how hot Rosalie is or how adorable Alice is. I am afraid I'm as straight as a ruler
[The corridor outside explodes in Emmett's roaring laughter.]
Forks High School, Washington, USA, 2005
[It's been a while. Edward has done nothing to hide the fact he's a vampire, at least no more than usual. Bella however doesn't seem interested.]
Edward: I actually think I might survive this!
Alice: How so?
Edward: Bella is completely ignoring me! I'm freeeeee
Rosalie: Aw that's sad, mother did say she was excited for the new addition
Literally all her siblings: ?
Edward: Did— Did you just suggest we turn Bella into a vampire?
Rosalie: You thought I was serious?! Of course not!
Edward: Thank God! I really don't wanna get stuck with another OP sister
Emmett:
Jasper:
Rosalie:
Alice:
Jasper: Isabella Swan has powers?
Edward: Fuck
Forks, Washington, USA, 2005
[Cullen Family Meeting #286]
Carlisle: What do you mean you've reincarnated?
Edward: Fort eh thousandth time! You turned me and my old memories returned. How can you let that go? I'm more worried about mother dearest genuinely wanting to make Bella a vampire!
Carlisle (looks at Esme): We're having a talk after this
Carlisle (looks at Edward): Why didn't you tell us sooner?
Edward: I honestly didn't think you'd believe me and would it really have changed anything?
Carlisle: I… don't know.
Alice: Does this count as yet another power? I'm sorry Eddie—
Edward: I think I understand how Jacob feels…
Alice: —because it looks like you're the overpowered one
Edward: You know I actually can't communicate with the Ghost Adventure crew, right?
Alice: Of course, but you have to admit it's weird that you can read thoughts and access latent memories
Edward:
Edward: Huh. I've never thought about it before
Rosalie (grumbling): Of course not…
Edward: Either way, I don't consider it a power and it doesn't matter that Bella has one because she's gonna stay human thank you very much
Esme: Are you sure—
Edward: Goodbye