A/N: Hello! I am alive!
Updates, as you might have noticed, have slowled down significantly. That's because summer's here and I needed a job - so I got one and now I work 8-17 five days a week until the end of August. This means I have little to no time to write, so updates will keep on suffering for at least the whole summer. Genuinely sorry about that :/
Anyways, onwards with the story!
Seattle, Washington, USA, 2005
Edward: Graham, if you're taking me to another gay bar, I swear to God—
Graham: You're not even Christian
Edward: Rude, I could be Jewish!
Graham: Was your mum one?
Edward: Well, no
Graham: Then you're not. Either way~ You won't know what it is until we get there~
Edward: End me now
Inspired by tumblr thread by jaaaaaaaaaackfrost (Pinterest):
Seattle, Washington, USA, 2005
Stranger: Bite me
Edward:
Graham:
Edward: Ex— Excuse me?
Stranger: You're vampires, right? Bite me! Turn me!
Graham: Fam, you don't want this—it's kind of a curse
Edward: Yeah! You can't eat, you can't sleep and you can't even go out in the sun because you sparkle like a damn disco ball!
Stranger:
Stranger: Dope. Bite me!
Edward: Fine! Your funeral
[Edward does indeed bite the stranger. He looks at them in annoyance as they fall to the floor in agonizing pain.]
Edward: Fuck that's nasty
Graham: O.o
Edward: They're, like, anemic or something. Super fucking disgusting!
Graham: All right, calm down—
Edward: Hey, weirdo, takes these iron supplements and vitamin D—you really fucking need them
Graham: Sweet mercy, you curse a lot
Edward: Of course I am! I'm angry!
Stranger: Do I— Do I need this? I'm a vampire now
Edward: Fuck you and your vampirism, you're taking the supplements or I'm roasting you where you stand
Stranger (quietly): Okay
{Achievement Unlocked! •Gross Meal•}
Forks, Washington, USA, 2005
Rosalie: Do I need to tell you how utterly stupid you were?
Edward: I am well aware of that fact, thank you very much, dear sister
Graham: I tried to stop him!
Edward: You didn't do shit
Graham: Because you didn't LET ME!
Rosalie: Why do I put up with this. Why. I don't need to. Emmett! Pack the bags, we're faking our deaths again!
Carlisle (from across the house): DAMN YOU EDWARD YOU'RE TEARING THIS FAMILY APART
Edward:
Edward: Rude. Also, what do I do with Baby Vampire over here?
Rowan (Stranger): *waves* Hello
{Achievement Unlocked! •Oh, So I'm The Bad One?•}
Forks High School, Washington, USA, 2005
Edward: Bella, gimme love
Bella: !
Bella: Yes my king!
Edward:
Edward: Nevermind I take that back
Bella: Nooooooooooooooooooo
Forks, Washington, USA, 2005
[At Bella's house, after school.]
Bella: So you made a vampire?
Edward: Yes
Jacob: Dad said that's against the rules
Edward: What he doesn't know, won't hurt him
Jacob:
Jacob: I'm not lying to my dad
Bella: Yes you are
Jacob: *sad puppy noises*
Edward: Either way, their name's Rowan and I haven't figured out their gender. I think they switch—
Bella: Cool!
Jacob: Wtf does that mean
Edward: Ssh, you're too young to swear
Edward: Anyway, Rowan lives with us right now but I think we'll send them to the Denali coven, or maybe Graham's gang. Either way… Bella, what're we gonna do with James?
Jacob: Who?
Bella (groaning): We're ignoring the fuck out of him. No baseball matches, no confrontations, no nothing
Edward: Thank God. I really don't want to go through that!
Bella: At least you're not the one getting thrown around like a ragdoll and tortured for shits and giggles
Edward: Touché
Jacob: Hey, quick question. WHAT THE FUCK