(Unlocked Spoilers ahead)
When Sophie went up to her room, she was exhausted. All she wanted to do was curl up into her bed and sleep for a week, but first, she wanted to check in with Keefe and let him know what had happened. Their victory against the Neverseen was a bittersweet marker of the beginning of the War and although she wished she could go back and change parts of her plan, Sophie was happy with her decision. She would deal with the caches and the scrolls tomorrow.
Or so she thought.
The letter on her desk wouldn't have caught her eye had Sandor not done a sweep before and told her about it. After a lengthy inspection, he finally left her to read it for herself, giving her a weird look before leaving the room. When she opened the letter she immediately recognized Keefe's handwriting and took a moment to sit down.
This wasn't going to be good. He shouldn't have been here nor should he be writing a letter when he could have told her himself. That was unless he... no.
She read it quickly. And then another time slowly, trying to process what he had said before it really hit her.
She let the paper drop to the floor.
There was nothing she could do but fall to her knees, tears streaming down her face as she tried to hold herself up.
Sandor burst into the room almost dragging a very concerned Edaline behind him. Her confused expression quickly turned into horror as she watched her daughter sob on the floor. She took a quick look at the paper and ran to Sophie's side.
"Oh Sophie," she whispered as she rubbed circles on her back.
Part of Sophie didn't know why she was crying so hard. He had done this before, it could almost be expected for him to do this again, but too much of her had been teetering on the hope that he wouldn't. That maybe, just maybe, their friendship mattered enough for him not to hurt her like this. A selfish thought, but she decided that she was going to take a moment and be selfish before she gathered herself up to drag his butt back where it belonged.
She hadn't slept, her heart was mending from her breakup with Fitz, from finding out Oralie was her mom, and her tears wouldn't stop. Edaline held her tight. It was moments like this she felt like she needed to stop everything, to be able to stop existing for a moment so she wouldn't have to face her emotions. She started hyperventilating as she tried to breathe but she found only sobbs.
"It's going to be okay," Edaline assured her. "I know that the world is changing, and it feels like you can't take a breath sometimes, but lean on me. I'll hold you up so you don't have to. So you can take a breath".
Sophie looked up at her and tried to calm down. One breath. Then another.
She almost collapsed against Edaline as she began to breathe normally and found her energy gone. She looked Edaline in the eye and whispered, "I'm going to kick his ass into tomorrow".
Edaline laughed and ran her hands through Sophie's hair.
They sat together on the floor, Edaline rocking Sophie back and forth and murmured a lullaby. Sophie took a moment to appreciate that for once, she felt safe. In the back of her mind, there was a voice screaming out that she needed to prepare for the war she just escalated. That maybe, she should leave Keefe be until she could finish the Neverseen and deal with this when she was supposed to. That she should put duty first.
A bigger part of her knew that she couldn't. As awful and reckless as that was, she couldn't let Keefe go. Not without a fight, not like this.
"Am I a bad person for wanting him back," she whispered.
Edaline gave her a careful smile, "No honey. I know you're looking at this like there are only two options. Go get Keefe and abandon your duty or leave Keefe behind and be a leader. Do you want to know the truth? It isn't that simple. This isn't a video game where you can either be good or evil. Brilliant or selfish."
"But it is selfish," Sophie sighed. "To spend my time looking for someone who doesn't want to be found, who's scared out of their mind and needs time to himself to figure it out. To bring him back to a place he doesn't want to be just so I can have him in my life. To abandon all the other people who need me".
Edaline pulled away from Sophie and gave her a hard look, "Sophie. Look at me".
She looked up.
"It is not selfish to want Keefe in your life. Yes, you're right. He is hurting, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to be found. That he needs to be alone. This isn't like the other times and you know that. He isn't running away with a plan, he's running away from himself. You know him better than anyone, I've seen how you are together. When you were going through something like this with your inflicting he was there for you the whole time. Now it's your turn to do that for him. It is not selfish to want to help your friend". Edaline was holding Sophie's hands now, trying to make Sophie believe her.
"What about everyone else, I need to be there for them. I need to protect them, to be their Moonlark," Sophie insisted.
"I am going to repeat some very wise words, 'You don't need to be anything but Sophie Foster'. I know a lot rests on your shoulders right now. I know you want to solve everything as fast as you can, but right now Keefe needs you. This doesn't mean you're abandoning anyone, you just need to take a step back and be strategic. Make a plan for what you need to do with Team Valient and then go find him. You're going to need each other to get through this".
Sophie processed her words and gave Edaline a small nod before getting up to go to bed. Nothing she has ever done has been easy, but a part of her knew that she was never going to leave Keefe forever as he asked. That decision was so easy it didn't have to be made.
It took time to get everyone up to date on what Keefe had done and what her plan was to get him back while also preparing for war. Everyone insisted on helping her but she redirected them to preparing for the Neverseen, assuring them that this was the best use of their time while she went to find Keefe. Plus, no one had any helpful information for her. They knew as much as she did about where he could have gone, which was pretty much nothing. She had expected more opposition from Forkle and Grady but they both seemed to think it was a good idea for her time find him. Grady had a weird reaction that made her suspect he knew more than he was letting on but she didn't press him until she was sure she couldn't find him.
One thing was clear, Keefe had gone to the Forbidden Cities. Hope flared in her heart but was soon squashed as she realized how hidden he could be. He could be almost anywhere. He was a polygot surrounded by millions of human emotions and no money. Not to mention he is a minor in most parts of the world. Between research with the Council, Missions with the Black Swan, and homework from Foxfire she had little time to spend looking through all the cities and towns. But she did.
After two months of searching and following pointless leads, she found herself in front of a small apartment in Paris. Forkel had told her that someone of Keefe's description had been around the area so she grabbed her bag and teleported her way over. The place was nowhere special, just a regular cafe with apartments above. Sophie knocked, expecting to see another Frenchman who would be thoroughly confused as to why a 17-year-old girl would be knocking on his door at 5 in the morning but she was surprised by the silence she was met with.
If someone lived there they would most likely be home at this point in the morning and able to come to the door. That was, unless that someone did not want to be found. For the first time, a part of her believed that she might actually see Keefe again as she knocked again, unsure if she should speak in case it scared him off.
She heard footsteps shuffle to the door and grumbling about the time. Sophie met those shocked ice blue eyes in the doorway and covered her mouth with her hand.
"Sophie?" Keefe asked, hesitant to step any closer.
"Keefe," Sophie replied in relief. "Can I come in?"
Keefe paused in the doorway, cautious, but a look of defeat came over him and he stepped aside to let her through. She looked around and saw the room he had set up for himself. It was a studio so his bed almost touched the Kitchen counter, but he has covered the walls with sketches and paintings. She saw a lot of famous pieces that he had copied in miniature like the Mona Lisa and The Lock. Pieces from the Louvre. A part of her broke as she thought about him walking around Paris and experiencing human artwork for the first time. She wished she could have been there with him, and under better circumstances.
"Sophie I'm so sorry-" Keefe began.
"No". She stopped him, "Keefe as much anger as I have for how you left, you don't need to apologize". She walked over to sit on his bed and patted the bed for him to follow.
He gave her an anxious look and sat. "You're not supposed to be here. I told you not to come. Everything I do only hurts people. I can't keep doing it".
"First of all," she gave him a very serious look, "I don't know how you could think I wouldn't come after you. It may have taken a few months but I did find you. Second of all, I know you tend to be hard on yourself and you think you've caused a lot of problems but that's just a part of being huma- well, elf I guess. If there is one thing that I want for you to take away from this conversation it's that no one blames you. We all make mistakes Keefe. I've made some pretty dumb mistakes, to the point of getting people like you hurt. Life is pretty messed up we just have to try to do our best to get through it".
He shook his head, "You don't understand how hard it is for elves to make mistakes, as pretentious as that sounds. Before you came, messed up stuff like this was only found in history books about humans and even then we didn't learn about that much. When you came and things started to change, well, none of us knew how to deal with it. We've never seen anyone have to deal with it, never had an example of how to act correctly. That's part of what makes you so strong you know that?"
Sophie looked pained, trying to understand a childhood without knowing the horrors of what the world could be like. "I'm not that strong Keefe, we've lost almost every battle we've fought".
"I don't mean that kind of strong, I meant more emotionally. When other elves got hurt or found out something unpleasant, their emotions were always way more intense than yours. Well, intense isn't the right word. More, fresh? Like they weren't used to feeling certain feelings and they didn't know how to deal with them. That was what was so mysterious about you at first. You felt things but you knew how to handle those feelings, you knew what to do. And you kept getting bombarded with awful information but you stayed strong, you never... ran away". He looked down and fiddled with the edge of his shirt. This was the second time she had ever seen Keefe in human attire but she noted that even in the human world, he was still quite fashionable.
"Running away doesn't make you weak Keefe. Sometimes when you're going through something hard you have to make a choice on whether or not it's worth it to stay with something that's harmful to you. Sometimes leaving is the smartest choice you can make. But leaving doesn't mean I can forget you, I'll never forget you Keefe. It's not my decision for me to stay in your life but I'm here to ask if I can be. Because I want to be. Because nothing you have done has ever made me want to stay away from you. You don't know how many times I've told Forkle I want to quit, to just give up and go home, but for me that never ended up being the right choice. If you want out from the Black Swan and the Neverseen that's fine but you have to know that living in the Forbidden Cities does not make you safe. Your mom is still going to try to get you, the Neverseen still hate humans and their cities. There is nowhere to go to truly run away from this, if there was I'd already be there and I would have grabbed you all to come with me".
Sophie wanted to reach over and hold his hand, to comfort him, but she wasn't sure he would be able to ever touch her again. She was surprised that he was speaking aloud given the last time she saw him. She didn't want to cross a boundary and make anything worse for him.
Keefe sighed and looked over at her, he noticed her hand twitch in his direction and smiled. "Don't worry Foster, I kind of got my powers under control," he said as his face turned slightly pink.
She smiled back, "That's amazing! Can I ask how?"
He leaned back and began telling her about what it was like to arrive in the forbidden cities with a new sensitive power and countless emotions bombarding him. It took him a week just to be able to walk near another person without throwing up. The commands burning his throat. But after a few weeks, he started to gain control as he fought off the emotions and commands constantly in such a busy city. He told her about going to the Louvre and experiencing french art. Going to cafes, movies, and the different gardens around town.
She wasn't even going to ask how he got the money to do any of this.
When he finished, they smiled together but the silence that followed was tense. Sophie glanced outside to the dying sun and looked back at Keefe.
"So what's it going to be Sencen, will you come back?"
He gave her a look like he wasn't sure how to tell her bad news.
Sophie sighed and reached over, stopping until he nodded that she could, and held his hands. "It's not going to be easy, I realize that. I pulling out my last line of defense to convince you though, I didn't spend 2 months searching for you to give up now". She wasn't sure how to say the words, or how he'd react really, but knew it was time. "Ro told me."
Keefe pulled his hands out from Sophie's and stood up, red covering his face.
"What exactly did Ro tell you," he said slowly, unable to face her.
Sophie stood up too, "She basically said that you liked me, that you had for some time but never told me".
Keefe was running his hands through his hair stressfully.
"Here's the thing about that Keefe, a part of me already knew".
His face whipped around to hers, mouth open in shock. "No, you were always so oblivious. No offensive or anything Foster but you never reacted in any way that let on".
She shook her head and tried to explain, "I didn't really know. Never thought the words officially and took time to understand, but the heartbreak I felt when you left. When I read that letter. It wasn't like anything I'd felt before, a part of me recognized that. While you were gone I connected some of those dots. The guilt I felt when I went to you instead of Fitz, how you always knew just what to say to make me feel better, how I... needed you. I think," she paused. "I think I never saw your feelings as real because I didn't want to acknowledge my own".
Keefe gave her a sad stare and sat back down next to her, "Because you didn't want to have feelings for me".
She grabbed his hands again, "No! Keefe it wasn't that at all, quite the opposite really. The feelings I had for Fitz were so easy, I liked him because my heart would skip a beat in admiration. But admiration is not love. A crush is not love, so when we dated and there was nothing beyond that mutual admiration it was like: we knew how dating was supposed to work but the real heart of it wasn't there. We could hold hands all we wanted but we were just playing house, sort of. With you," she squeezed his hands a little tighter, "the feelings were so big and unlabeled. Like a part of me knew I was safe with you no matter what happened between us, that our friendship mattered more than anything, and the thought of losing that friendship was scary because a part of me knew I was losing more than that and I'd have to face those big scary feelings. And then you left, all wild ideas confirmed. The love lost. Ro could see the change, I think. When I realized what I felt. I don't think she would have told me otherwise".
Keefe smiled at her, tears starting to form in his eyes. He squeezed her hands back, "I do love you Foster, but that's why I can't come back. I can't let my mom use you to hurt me. I can't see you get hurt because of me, or anyone else for that matter".
Sophie wiped the tears that were running down his face, "Keefe you can't protect me by running away. I'm never going to let you disappear to protect me, I will hunt you down every day until I can convince you that having you in my life is worth any risk. So you have two options: I can spend my time loving you from afar, chasing you until you decide that running is no longer worth it, or," Sophie leaned in, "I can love you up close and we can fight each battle together".
Keefe sucked in a breathe, his eyes searching for an answer in her face. Finally, carefully and slowly, he leaned in and met her lips against his. Sophie smiled against the kiss, not wanting to ruin the moment but not able to stop herself.
"Are you crying," Keefe asked worriedly when they pulled away, "I swear I'm not that bad at kissing... I think, I mean I guess I wouldn't really know".
Sophie laughed, tears still streaming, "No I'm just relieved. I wasn't sure you'd want to stay with me so," she gestured to her face, "Happy tears. Also the kissing was good, don't worry about that". She blushed, suddenly not meeting his eyes.
Instead of the smirk-filled retort that she expected Keefe leaned back on the bed and huffed in exhaustion. "Do we have to go back tonight?"
She smiled, "No, I can go so you can rest and come back tomorrow to help if you want".
He bit his lip, "What if you don't go and you help me tomorrow".
She gave his words some thought and then leaned back down to met him in his lying position on the bed, "Okay but if you snore I'm going home".
He laughed, the first real laugh she had heard from him in months, and gave her a peck on the cheek, "Don't worry, I've got some earplugs somewhere".
They took some time to get settled in for the night and finally went to sleep not long after. Sophie, who has never been one to sleep through the night, looked over at Keefe's peaceful face and whispered, "You're going to be okay".