I was working double time to get everything secure for the move to the new Watchtower. A lot of programming had to be done, and security protocols had to be written and put into place. I didn't realize that after recruitment was done, I was going to be the IT person. Nonetheless, it had to be done. Security needed to be tight, with no room for error.
"I still think biometric scans are necessary for Watchtower personnel," I said to Clark as we walked on the catwalk to the next terminal I needed to check.
"I don't think we should act like Big Brother to these people. We need to show some trust, just like they are showing us trust," he replied purposefully. He wasn't just being diplomatic.
"Is this you trying to even the trust score? Because you could rip my heart out right now if you wanted to or blast me right in the face," I asked lifting my head from the tablet I was working on and raising an eyebrow in suspicion.
"That was blunt," he replied looking at me like I just killed his puppy. Maybe I had gone too far, but I was tired and cranky. Still, what I said was true.
"I know that wasn't very tactful. I just worry that you are too trusting to overcompensate for your super-ness."
"We are doing extensive background checks on people and the pick-up locations will be secret," he said crossing his arms and glaring at me.
I rolled my eyes at him, "Without the biometric scans, there are security gaps that can't be filled. Hopefully no one ever just steals the I.D. cards and finds out where we will be beaming people up from that day."
"Barbara, it will be fine. You have to stop worrying so much."
I just ignored him and kept working on the terminal.
"When was the last time you actually slept a full eight hours," he asked looking concerned.
"I dunno Clark. When have I had time, to you know, be an actual person? I can't remember the last time I actually got to cook a meal. I barely have time to do laundry."
"Sorry I'm just-" I stopped him immediately.
"Some of us are normal human beings that have to work for a living. We don't have the luxury of super speed or a butler," I charged back. He looked at me a bit scared like I was going to bite his head off. Good. I'm sick of people telling me to take care of myself and then giving me a list of things they need my help with.
I stormed off to the next terminal crossing another catwalk when the feeling hit me. My stomach dropped and my heart started to pound. For a few moments, I was terrified of falling. I could feel my legs quiver.
"You've been going non-stop for the past few mon-" Clark paused as if he noticed something was off. I felt a gust of wind and soon Clark was right next to me. "Barbara, what's wrong?"
"I'm fine. Just tired ok," I said batting him away. I just couldn't deal with it now. I had too much to do.
"Are you sure," he asked. It sounded like he didn't believe me. My mind settled. It must have been some fluke.
"I'm fine really," I said continuing with my work, "I just didn't realize how high up we were for a moment."
We later made our way up higher. I was going up a ladder when it happened again. My heart was beating quicker and my breath was shallow. I felt like I was having a panic attack. My knuckles were white as I grabbed onto the metal bars for dear life.
"Hold on Barbara?" Clark said from above.
I was paralyzed. I felt like I would die if I took one more step up or down that ladder. Then it dawned on me and old memories flooded back. I know this feeling. I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I can't believe this is happening again. But how? My rational brain was fighting, but my instincts were winning.
"I need to get down," I said white knuckling the sides of the ladder still. Clark floated next to me. Wish I could fly right now.
"Barbara, what is it," I looked over and saw something I knew in my head wasn't possible. Scarecrow. Floating in the air as Superman would. I tried to calm myself down. This is just a hallucination. You are in the Watchtower. Scarecrow has been in Arkham. There is no way you got dosed with fear toxin again.
"Just get me down please," I said screwing my eyes shut trying to at least cut off the false images. I felt Superman's hand on mine.
"You have to let go of the ladder before we can go anywhere. Don't worry I got you," he said. I reluctantly let go, but still kept my eyes closed. I had a death grip on him behind his neck as I buried my face into his chest so that I didn't accidentally look down. Even though he floated slowly to the ground, I still felt a little like I was free-falling. When we got to solid ground, I finally opened my eyes and he set me down. He didn't look like Scarecrow, but I still felt on edge.
"I don't understand what is going on," Clark said very concerned.
"I-I need to check something," I stammered as I turned away and stormed off to the med bay. I could tell he was close behind me. I need to act fast and I might not have much time till I am in full-blown fear mode.
Clark called after me but I ignored him and I immediately went to the blood testing kit once I entered the med bay. Tears were coming down my face and I didn't even know it until I saw them fall.
"What is it that you have to check," he asked hesitantly. I just focused on breathing. I could beat this thing.
"I-I need you to call Arkham. See if Johnathan Crane is still in there," I said shaking a bit, "and I need a shot of norepinephrine." I said as I looked for a norepinephrine pen, hoping it would calm me down a bit.
"I'm going to call Bruce," he asked as he approached me. I don't know why, but his slowly approaching me made me nervous.
"I really need you to stay back," I said getting a tourniquet out. Clark stopped in his tracks and just watch me while I used my right hand and teeth to tie the tourniquet to my left arm. I found a vein quickly and poked myself with the needle to get a vial of my blood.
"It's okay Barbara it's just me," he said slowly approaching again. For some reason that set me off.
"You need to give me some space for a few minutes and let me think. I need to see if I've been dosed again with fear toxin," I snapped back as I started to test my blood. Then I heard the other voice.
"You're infected again and stuck up here in space with me," I turned and saw Scarecrow.
"I have to say your dream last time was so intriguing. I wonder what nightmare you'll whip up this time," he said with a menacing grin.
I closed my eyes and focused. When I opened them again, Clark was there studying me. My heart was beating faster and I felt sweaty but cold.
"You've been up here the past couple of days. Why do you think you've been dosed with fear toxin," he asked hesitantly. I just focused on breathing...I could beat this thing.
"Because I'm seeing things that aren't here," I said shaking a bit. I began rummaging through our supplies, still trying to find a sedative that may calm me down.
"Damn it," I yelled. I couldn't find anything and I couldn't focus.
"Now this is interesting," another vision appeared but this time it was me, dressed as Batgirl but my costume was torn up, cowl off, and my face was battered. The worst was that I was white like a sheet and I could see blue veins on my face like I had been dead for a while. Blood ran from the corner of my mouth and my neck had a slight bend to it.
"Remember when I was your worst nightmare," she gave me a wicked grin as she took both hands and placed them on the sides of her head. She used her hands to jerk her head opposite of the bend in her neck. It made the sound of a large crack like she was realigning her broken vertebrae. "That feels so much better," she grinned.
"You are not real," I said out loud staring her down. I did my best to show no fear, thinking it would help the situation.
"No I'm not, but in a few minutes you will have a hard time convincing yourself that the things you see are not real," she looked around a bit, "The worst part is that you know he will have to come to your rescue...AGAIN!"
I closed my eyes again trying to focus and trying to shut her out, but I could feel her circling me.
"God you are so pathetic," she laughed, "you are just a weak impetuous child. You shouldn't be out there with the big boys. Not only are you a liability to the real heroes out there who have to watch your back, but you are one to Dad too. One day you're going to get killed, how is he going to deal with that?" There was a huge pregnant pause. I could feel her grinning next to my face. "Do you smell smoke," she asked the last part right in my ear.
I opened my eyes again and she was gone, but the room changed. It was on fire. I ran outside the med bay and looked out the window of the hall. Earth was getting closer and closer. For some reason, the Watchtower was hurtling towards Earth and burning up on re-entry. The walls and ceiling around me started to go up in flames as well. I had to get to the controls! I made a run for it but when I got through the doors, I saw Bruce.
"Barbara, what are you doing here?" he said struggling to keep the controls steady and on course.
"I-I came to work on the Watchtower," I said confused. I was desperately trying to remember something but I couldn't. What am I forgetting? I was trying to remember something but it wasn't clicking.
"You weren't supposed to be here," he said furiously.
"I'm sorry," I cried. I really felt remorseful, but I wasn't really sure why.
"Letting you be a part of the team was a mistake. All it's done is cause problems. You caused a rift between Dick and him. All because you wanted to be the hero," dead me in the Batgirl suit reappeared again behind Bruce. She was slowly walking her fingers across his shoulder. He did not react at all. He didn't even see her. He just continued to pull on the controls to the Watchtower, trying to control the descent to earth.
"I didn't mean to, that wasn't my intent," my eyes started to water and I could feel a lump in my throat grow bigger and bigger.
"Those sad glassy eyes aren't going to work on me," she said venomously, "You know if you weren't here, he'd probably be able to make it out alive, but once again you just come and distract and get in the way."
I shook my head, "That is all twisted! It's not like that!" Earth came even closer.
"Barbara I"m sorry I can't save you from"- a ball of flames cut him off and engulfed us both. I felt the fire burn my body and melt the flesh off of my bones as I watched it do the same to Bruce. Everything was in a slow agonizing motion. I tried to cry out, but the flames burned my lungs already. I don't understand. How is this happening? This isn't real. It can't be. None of this makes sense!
Then I heard his voice calling out to me, "Barbara! Barbara!" I desperately looked around. The flames began to disappear and the rest of my surroundings came rushing back. Bruce knelt down in front of me. I was on the floor with my back against the wall and my hands were balled up into fists.
I noticed Bruce was in his regular clothes. His usual black turtle neck and grey slacks. He must have just dropped everything and immediately came up to the Watchtower. He grabbed my hands and pulled my fingers back so they were flat and not making a fist anymore. My palms were stinging. I must have dug my fingernails into them. He held both my hands between his.
"Just breathe with me," he said looking into my eyes as he got closer.
His face was maybe an inch away from mine. I screwed my eyes shut and rested my forehead against his. I listened to his breath and followed along. I felt like I was drowning in a pool of fear. The only lifeline I had was his voice.
"Good, you're doing good," his voice was a bit soothing, but I still felt panicked.
"It-it's Scarecrow some-somehow. I feel the same as I did when," I stopped myself because I could feel myself getting emotional. Tears streamed down my face and my chest tightened up. I still had my forehead against his, desperately trying to keep my grip on reality.
"Whatever horrible things you are seeing are not real," he said gripping my hand tighter.
"It hurt so much," I mustered out, unable to control my sobbing.
He pulled away to get a better look at my face and I felt his eyes searching. He was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. The last time I saw his face look like that was when I woke up from the fear gas dream I had three years ago.
"How did it hurt," he asked examining me.
"It burned," I replied as flashes of it came to my mind, "it got to my lungs. I-I couldn't even scream."
"Did it feel like this at all the last time you were gassed by Scarecrow?"
"No-no. Last time I fell off of City Hall and broke my neck and I-," I stopped talking because I didn't want to think about it. That feeling of my body broken entirely and my lungs collapsing was the worst pain I had been in in my entire life, well until very recently.
Bruce looked horrified for a moment realizing what I was saying. Not only did I hallucinate horrible things, but my body's pain receptors reacted to them. His face finally softened as the shock wore off. "God Barbara I'm-I'm so sorry", he said.
"Bruce, her blood pressure is through the roof and her heart is going a mile a minute," I heard Clark's voice. He must have been using his x-ray vision to monitor my vitals.
"The norepinephrine," I said. Bruce looked towards Clark and nodded.
"We are going to figure out what's wrong," he said putting both hands on either side of my head. The concern on his face had me worried.
"Could you be a little bit more convincing," I said upset.
He gave me a slight smile, "I'm a stubborn ass right?"
"Constantly," I remarked.
"Then I will figure out what is wrong," he said confidently, "when you wake up you will be fine. We are going to give you a sedative now."
I nodded and felt a pinch in my arm. After that, everything went black.
I had been trying to wake up for hours but had no energy to move. Forcing my heavy eyes lids open took a lot of energy. The room was dimly lit but I could see a figure of a man sitting in a chair next to my bed. I saw his dark hair and square jawline. I knew it was Bruce. Memories started to fall into place.
My lips were chapped. I moved my arm and I realized I had an IV attached to it. "Bru- Bruce," I croaked out as I sat up in the bed.
"How are you feeling," he asked getting up and moving closer to my bed.
The trauma of what happened hit me like a ton of bricks.
"I feel like Bane and Solomon Grundy have been throwing me around like a rag doll," I said wincing. "How long have I been out?"
"About eight hours," he said. He looked tired. I have seen that look on his face before. It was the look he had when he was truly anxious and worried about something.
"What happened," I asked trying to piece my thoughts and timeline together.
"You had an episode. You were trying to figure it out, but the hallucinations got the best of you. There was nothing you could do," he said looking empathetically.
The fog started to lift and I began to remember what had happened.
"You drew your own blood and started doing tests. Clark was trying to keep you calm but every time he approached you, you were hallucinating someone else so he kept his distance."
"I don't understand. I wasn't gassed. I've been up here since yesterday," I said still trying to find my voice.
"The toxin that Scarecrow used on you left its mark. It seems like you had a relapse and unfortunately, you may have one again, but I was able to come up with something that would treat your symptoms and allow you to just sleep through the episode. Whenever this happens again you might be out for a few days, but will be back to normal once it is over," he said giving it to me straight.
"So this will happen again," I grimaced.
"There is no way of knowing," he replied.
"Fantastic," I remarked sarcastically. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
He kept quiet and didn't say anything for a moment, "Perry thinks you came down with pneumonia. I held off on giving an excuse to your father," he said.
"So, who else knows about my episode," I asked hoping to minimize my embarrassment.
"Just Clark, J'onn, myself, and Alfred," he replied, "Alfred wanted me to have you call him whenever you are up to it."
I smiled at that. I really did miss Alfred.
"Thank you," I mustered out.
He just grunted a bit and nodded.
"Who is holding down the fort?" He knew I meant Gotham.
"Dinah and Wild Cat grabbed a small team and headed down there. Dinah said it was a good chance to assess their field experience," he said putting a thermometer in my mouth.
"Your temperature is back to normal,' he said a bit relieved.
"Was I running a fever?"
"You were up to 105 degrees. We had to give pump you with IV fluids and Ibuprofen," he said putting everything away. I looked down at my arm where the IV was.
My mind was racing with the news. I didn't know what to think. I just wanted to be alone for a moment so I could cry. "I really would like to take a shower," I said. I stumbled a little as I got out of my bed.
"I'll get you some towels and clean clothes," he replied trying to help me walk.
"I have all my stuff in the locker room already. I'll be fine," I replied slightly irritated. I knew he meant well, I just wanted to be alone right now. I wanted to cry and I didn't want to do it in front of him.
"Can I at least help you get to the locker room," he asked getting the message.
I looked up at him and saw his face. He looked worried. The man just saved my life...again, and I was pushing him away. Ironically, this is what I have been wanting all this time. I've wanted to be around him and for him to talk to me, and now because I don't want to be vulnerable I am pushing him away. I'm such a hypocrite.
"I suppose you could," I said allowing him to take my arm. The Watchtower was empty. Personnel wouldn't start showing up till next week. It was weird to think that this place was going to be swarming with people soon. Having my arm hooked together with Bruce's was strange. I had barely talked to him in the last three months and every time we did it was in front of other people. I hadn't been alone with him since that day in my old apartment in Gotham.
He left me at the locker room door and told me he would be sticking around for a while in the control room. I was in the shower for a little while. I let the hot water just pour down on me before I began to cry. All I could think about were the crackling of the flames and the smell of burnt hair and flesh. When I was initially gassed by Scarecrow I had dreamed I fell from the top of the City Hall building and hit my dad's patrol car at full speed. I could feel everything. Scarecrow hit me and my stomach dropped as I fell down hundreds of feet in the air, unable to get to my grappling gun before I impacted on the hood of my father's patrol car. An icy-hot pain enveloped my whole body. I felt all the air leave my lungs and I struggled to refill them as my father looked at me in horror as I lay still and broken on the pavement. I do not know if that is how it really feels, but I was definitely in pain. It was like that this time too. It took me a few months to stop having nightmares, I wondered how long it would take this time.
When I was done changing into clean clothes I walked to the control room to see if Bruce was still there. He was working on what I had been working on earlier. He looked frustrated, then I remembered that he probably didn't know the shorthand that me and Mr. Terrific came up with when programming the system.
"Here, let me show you a faster way," I said putting a hand on his. I didn't startle him but he did look surprised to see me.
"You should be resting," he replied concerned.
"I've been stuck in a nightmare for days, sleep is the last thing I want to do," I replied nudging him aside. He reluctantly complied. I know he took a beat to stare at me and assess me.
"I think I'm missing something here. For some reason the program is making me type out everything over and over again for each cycle," he said letting me take over.
"Well if you turn caps lock off and type this short cut….whala, there you go," I said.
He sighed a bit annoyed. "Me and Mr. Terrific programmed some shortcuts. We didn't know anyone else would be doing this," I said back at him as I took a seat on the steps up to the computer consoles. I hugged myself a bit. I wasn't cold, but I was shaky.
"You don't have a fever again do you," he asked coming up to me and putting the back of his hand on my forehead.
"No, I'm just a bit shaky is all. I think my nerves are shot," I replied trying to explain it away. Or perhaps you are extremely stressed out and your body is finally shutting down.
"Side effects. They will go away," he said as he sat down next to me. I sat there and breathed in his scent, it was a calming mixture of spice and mint.
"How much of it do you remember," he asked. I know he was trying to assess me that's why I didn't mind him asking.
"Most of it," I said. I knew this conversation was going to happen at some point. Might as well be now.
"What happened this time," he asked quietly.
My throat got tight and my eyes began to water.
"I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked. You had told me something during it and I'm concerned," he said. I know we aren't on the best of terms, but I found myself wanting to tell him though. I wanted him to know because frankly, he was the only one who could remotely understand without too much explaining.
"I was in the Watchtower and it was plummeting toward earth. I went to the control room and there you were, manually guiding the Watchtower. Then a large ball of flames consumed us both. It was like it really happened. I could smell our burnt flesh and hair and could hear the flames crackle in my ear. The pain was unbearable. I tried to scream, but my lungs were burnt," I said without even really thinking. "The worst was that there was this version of me, dead and in costume. She was the version of me who-who fell off City Hall. She was basically spelling out to me all my fears. The things that I shove deep down and try not to think about."
"Like what," he asked concerned.
"Like how I'm a liability to you, my father, and every hero out there. How I am responsible for the rift between you and Dick. How I am going to get you killed or others killed by being an impetuous child."
"Barbara," he said gripping my hand. He looked very somber. "Impetuous and child are two words I would never use to describe you."
"What about liability," I asked looking down.
"Do you really think that," he asked cupping my face with his hand. "First what happened between me and Dick was a long time coming. It would have happened whether you became Batgirl or now. Second, I trust you with not only my life but with Tim's life. Liability...far from it. You are an asset to me and you always will be."
Barbara knew he wasn't lying, because lying about someone's abilities was something Bruce would never do. He knew doing that could lead to someone's death.
"You are the most strongest and caring woman I have ever met Barbara. Even now, you are more concerned about others," he stroked my hand with his thumb absentmindedly. "I had no idea that you physically felt everything that happened to you in your dreams."
"I didn't think it would ever happen again, so I never brought it up. I really just wanted to forget that part," I said looking down at my hands.
"Promise me that no matter where we are in our lives or how we feel about each other you will call me when this starts to happen again," he said with much conviction.
Tears welled up a bit in my eyes. "I will," I replied shakily.
"I mean it. I promise that I will be there for you. You will never have to endure this alone," he said gripping my hands even tighter.
I nodded as more tears fell down my face. He brought me into an embrace and didn't let go. I don't think I have ever cried that hard in my entire life. It was like all my frustration, anger, loneliness, and sadness poured out of me. My body shook with every sob. "You're safe. I've got you," he said softly.
"God I can't believe I'm doing this. You know I'm supposed to be pissed at you right," I said finally pulling away from him.
He wiped some tears off of my cheek as he looked at my face. "I'd be nice if you weren't. I get enough of it at home. I can tell Alfred and Tim have not been too pleased with me lately."
"Why? Are you being an ass," I asked sincerely.
"I think we all just miss you," he replied, "but I'm glad you are here and so is everyone else. We would have not gotten to this point without you."
My face had to be red cause I could feel the heat in my cheeks. I was blushing.
"You know when you try, you aren't such an ass," I said looking back at him. He was hesitant I could tell. The last time we were this close to each other things got out of control. We both knew that it would be for the best if we didn't act on our feelings.
"I'm sorry, for what happened before you left," he said. An apology from Bruce Wayne never happened so I was a bit shocked. "I shouldn't have said those terrible things and I shouldn't have left you like that after we..."
"We were making out," I said finishing his sentence for him.
"We can't be together. Maybe if we were different people with different lives it would work, but we just wouldn't work the way we are now and I don't want you to not be a part of my life," he stated. He said it in a way that made me sad, but happy he could be honest with me. He wasn't trying to be mean. He was trying to be kind.
"I get it and I think I agree with you, but you're always going to be really special to me," I said giving him a peck on his cheek. Now he was blushing. "I'm lucky to say you're my friend."
"Me too."
"Wow look how mature we are," I said elbowing him. He gave a small smirk.
"Why don't you show me how far you have gotten on the security protocols," he asked.
"And the taskmaster is back. That was short-lived," I got up and went to work with him. I avoided sleep for the rest of the night and stayed up with him going over protocols and coding. My heart was very happy at the moment despite the tinge of sadness. I know we couldn't be together romantically but I at least had my best friend back.