A/N: first of all, this story is currently in hiatus until I finish up the rest of my Fanfic projects. Next this story gets offensive in the middle, so trigger warning for that. And lastly this takes place during season 4 when everyone is still in the bunker. Enjoy!
Twas a month before Christmas and all through the bunker, there was some sort of, uh (bleep) what rhymes with bunker? You know what I'm not going to try to rhyme in this story.
So it was a month before Christmas, and our hero rust lord was sitting in his office in the bunker, feet on his desk feeling a bit nostalgic. And what do most people do when they feel nostalgic.
Rusty: they play childhood video games?
Good answer, but it's not right, they listen to music, so rusty decided to do just that. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it), he only packed a vinyl record filled some of the greatest Christmas songs in existence, and that's it. After all the preparation he did to make the bunker, you'd think he'd pack more than just a bunch of Christmas music. But, I digress. So he put the vinyl in the record sat back, drank his slurp juice and enjoyed his time being alive. He looked at a picture on his desk, it was a selfie of him and his ex Ghoul Trooper on Christmas Day. He looked at it then said
Rust lord: hey author, if at this point in the bunker timeline I hate ghoul troopers guts, then why the (bleep) do I have a picture of her.
it's supposed to represent how you still have feel... wait a minute "at this point in the timeline," how much do you know about the timeline.
Rust lord: *sweating* Uh... well you see.
this causes a big plot hole in the story and you know how I feel about plot holes.
Rust lord: wait no... I can pretend to be surprised when she arrives at the bunker
Oh *crackling knuckles* oh you won't need to pretend.
A few moments later and I've made him forget about the timeline.
Rusty: (dizzy like) what just happened?
So where were we, oh yeah, he looked at a picture on his desk it was of him and his ex Ghoul Trooper on Christmas Day. Pissed he said
Rusty: dumb (bleep)
He threw the picture in the trash and sat there listening to his Christmas tunes when Grill Sargent barged in looking nervous, but that nervous looked faded away suddenly.
Grill: good you didn't forget about Christmas.
Rusty: why would I forget about Christmas.
Grill: (pause) you forgot about Halloween yesterday.
Rusty: (thinks for a bit) HOLY (BLEEP) THAT WAS YESTERDAY!!!
Grill: yep, and the people were disappointed when we didn't celebrate it, now they're worried you're going to forget about Christmas
Rusty: ahh yes Christmas, and when is that again?
Grill: dude it's November 1st
Rusty: I know, I didn't ask what today was I asked when Christmas was
He thought hard for a moment and then realized...
Rusty: HOLY (BLEEP) THAT WE HAVE A MONTH AND A HALF TO PREPARE!
Rusty chugged the rest of his slurp juice and looked at Grill Sargent
Rusty: dude follow me.
They sped walked towards a part of the bunker that held everything they owned in a storage, including Christmas decorations. There was a keypad next to the Christmas storage, and rusty started typing a code into the pad.
Grill: dude stop worrying, a month and a half is more than enough time to put up a couple of dinky decora...
Rusty opened the door to reveal a (bleep) ton of decorations.
Grill: Wow! Uh, well a lot of we have a lot of Christmas skins in the bunker, so we'll have experienced people who can help us. I'll go get them.
He ran towards the food court where the self proclaimed "Christmas Crew" were located. The Christmas Crew consists Lazarbeam (Merry Marauder), Ilsa (Lazarbeams girlfriend (Ginger Gunner)), Lachlan replaced this poor sunofa(bleep) with his own skin, (Codename E.L.F.), Danny Gonzales' little nutcracker guy (Crackshot), Rudolph after Santa neutered him because of what he did to Clarice, (Red-Nosed Raider), that lumberjack the cops think is shady because he's black (I'm half black, I can make that joke if I want to. (Yuletide Ranger)), and that lumberjacks wife who the cops think is also sus due to the fact that she's married to a black guy, (again I can make that joke, I'm half black (Nog Ops)).
You know, the more I proof read this story the more I think that this joke section was unnecessary. So Grill gathered everyone and told them about how him and Rust Lord are going to decorate the bunker for Christmas, and they agreed to help.
Rusty: now we'll probably be working on this for the next month, and while it may sound long now, I have an idea to make the time go faster. we're going to decorate it in montage form.
Grill: dude, this is a WRITTEN FanFiction, and montages have only ever worked in anything you don't have to read, how are we going to do this montage.
Rusty: like this.
"It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" by Andy Williams plays*
Rusty, Grill and the Christmas Crew decorated the bunker, set up the Christmas tree, they strung the lights up around the bunker and they wrapped the presents for the people of the bunker (don't ask where they got the presents, that's a plot hole I choose to ignore),
They pranced down the hallways singing carols to all the merry people of the bunker, including "that one song that goes 'and to all the places we forgot... something something something," and, "that one song that was at the beginning of the only Charlie Brown movie people remember," and, "that one song that is the only reason why people know what figgy pudding is," just to name a few.
Christmas spirit was high and the closer Christmas got, the more joyful people got.
song ends*
'Twas the night before Christmas, and everyone was asleep because who (bleep) stays up until 11:00 pm. Rusty did. He was guarding the Christmas tree that they put up during the montage. Grill came up to him looking tired.
Grill: *yawning* dude why are you up so late.
Rusty: because man, this is a Christmas story, and you can't have a successful Christmas story without something bad happening. Watch a hallmark movie, you'll know what I mean
Grill: good point, well I'm going to hit the hay. Radio us in if anything happens.
Rusty: ok grill. Night.
Rusty drifted in and out of sleep for about 30 minutes until he heard a crash. He woke up immediately and looked around. He saw a man in a Santa costume by the tree, but rather than putting presents under the tree, he was taking presents!
Rusty: who's there!
He stopped his stealing and ran away.
Rusty: wait STOP!!!!
Rusty got out his walkie talkie.
Mean while on the Christmas crews side of the bunker merry marauder was sleeping peacefully when the walkie laying next to his bed perked up.
Walkie: Christmas crew come in Christmas crew.
Merry marauder (still sleepy), grabbed it and said
Merry: (groggy) this is marauder speaking,
Rusty: CODE GRINCH I REPEAT CODE GRINCH, SOMEONE IS STEALING CHRISTMAS.
That woke up Merry Marauder.
Merry: HOLY (BLEEP)!!
He got up and woke up the rest of the Christmas Crew, they armed themselves with the weapons that were provided to them (mostly Blue ARs and shotguns), and they rushed towards where rusty was. Soon the Christmas Crew (and Grill) were standing in front of rusty.
Rusty pulled out a map of the Christmas decorated bunker and laid it out on the table
Rusty: a man in a Santa costume is stealing Christmas, we need to stop him. On this map are the 4 P.O.I's he could've potentially stolen from. I'm going to stay here and guard the tree, and while I do that y'all are going to check all the decorated P.O.I's for our Santa dude, should you find this dude, bring him in alive. Men what I am asking you to do is, a fairly easy task, all there is to it is finding someone within a secluded bunker. Make me proud men.
And just like that the Christmas Crew (and Grill) became the Christmas S.W.A.T team (and Grill). And so they searched each P.O.I thoroughly, and one by one they found nothing else had been stolen, and there was no sign of the Santa dude. That was until they checked the fourth P.O.I, the food court. When the Crew (and Grill) stepped in the found the Santa dude, and he was hiding very poorly. I don't even think what he was doing counts as hiding, all he was doing was standing there was if a T Rex was hunting for him. When the crew found him, they all dog piled on him, the weight of the Christmas Crews (and Grill's) bodies laying on the Santa Dude knocked him out.
The Santa Dude woke up moments later tied to a chair in the Food court, with Rusty staring at him.
Rusty: now that you're finally awake, we can finally unbeard you.
Rusty ripped off Santa dudes beard to reveal... Skull Trooper!
Rusty: you, but why? Why would you try to steal Christmas
Skull: Why? I'll tell you why. You forgot about Halloween, I love Halloween, and ever since I entered this bunker I always thought it would be incredible to celebrate Halloween in this place, instead you forgot about it. I was willing to let it slide thinking you would also forget about Christmas. Then I see you decorating for Christmas and it made me think about how (bleeped) up it is that you forgot about Halloween but yet you still celebrate Christmas. I couldn't have this, so (I'm the spirit of the season), I dressed up as Santa Claus and tried to steal Christmas
Rusty: huh, that's actually a pretty solid motive. Now tell me, where did you put the Christmas presents you did manage to steal?
Skull: I ain't telling you.
Rusty: huh, ok then.
Rusty got out an old school Walkman and some headphones.
Rusty: you see this, there's a cassette tape in here filled with nothing but (bleepy) Christmas song remakes. It has artists like Taylor Swift, and Micheal Bublé just to name a two (see what I did there). If you don't give us what we want, I will force you to listen to this.
Skull: go ahead I ain't scared.
Rusty sighed and placed the headphones on skulls ears.
Rusty: you sure don't want to reconsider
Skull: I'm sure.
Rusty: ok then.
Rusty pressed start on the Walkman, and the second the music played skull started shaking uncontrollably and was screaming bloody murder.
Skull: BLOODY MURDER, BLOODY MURDER, fine I'll tell you, it's at the Durr Burger kiosk! Now please stop this madness
Rusty stopped the player and searched the entire Durr Burger kiosk and found the presents in Beef Boss's office.
Rusty: thank you skull for your cooperation, unfortunately your crimes against Jesus's birthday cannot go unpunished.
Rusty hit play on the walk man and Pentatonix's "Drummer Boi" started blaring into Skull troopers skull.
Skull: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Rusty and The Christmas Crew (and Grill), walked out of the cafeteria and into the area of the bunker where the tree is located and carefully placed the presents under them.
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas by Frank Sinatra plays*
Rusty And the Christmas Crew (and Grill) bid each other a "Merry Christmas" and went to their respective living areas to sleep the rest of the night away.
Rusty woke up on Christmas morning feeling at peace with himself. Usually he's worried about whether or not they have enough food to survive or if the people are happy with the current situation, but now, he felt calm and at peace. He walked out of his office (yes he sleeps in his office), and into the main room where the Christmas tree was, and saw people celebrating Christmas. They were opening gifts, watching classic movies, heck even Beef Boss and Tomato Head were even selling their patented Pizzaburger which quite honestly, looks (bleeping) disgusting. He looked at the people having fun, and couldn't help but smile, he had done it, he brought Christmas to the bunker. He walked back into his office, sat down at his desk, and drink a slurp juice, content with what he accomplished.
Then a knock came from his door. He opened it and standing outside was Grill holding a present. He gave it to rusty, who opened it and inside was the recipe to a "slurp juice cranberry" something that Rusty thought was lost when the meteor hit. Rusty looked up to ask how but grill said,
Grill: a magician never reveals his secrets
Rusty chuckled under his breath, and then he told grill to follow him. Rusty looked underneath his desk and pulled out a present and gave it to Grill. He opened it and in it was a deagle with the word "Grill" engraved on it.
Rusty: Merry Christmas dude.
Grill: Merry Christmas rusty.
And Merry Christmas to you reader! Thanks for reading, and see you next time.