Chapter 51

The Emperor's Advisor

Yzma stood at a desk, mixing chemicals and concocting potions. She wore a white lab coat, black rubber gloves, black boots, sunglasses, and a blue headband. Her hair extended straight backward a few feet in length, remaining straight and defying gravity. Her assistant, Kronk, watched her work. He was a muscular man with a thick jaw and black hair kept in a mullet. He wore a similar uniform to her, though rather than a headband he wore a short conical hat with a feathery antenna on top.

"Kronk, bring me the extract of cat," the elderly alchemist ordered.

"Cat extract. Got it," Kronk affirmed before running over to the cabinet to search for the sample.

A man with long silver hair who did not follow the proper safety dress code for a laboratory environment approached Yzma from behind. "I must say, this is an interesting backstage you have here," Kuja said, getting her attention.

"What are you doing here?" Yzma asked, a biting tone in her voice, not bothering to turn her attention away from her experiments.

"Oh, I don't mean to disrupt. I merely wished to see how you were faring," Kuja replied. "I already completed my assignment for the day. As it turns out, when you spend the morning starting a war in a Germanic nation and then rip your target right off of the throne of the monarch whose army you incensed, the afternoon becomes rather droll."

"Fascinating. How did you even find my lair?"

"I asked the guards where I could find you. They told me you were in your secret lab and pointed down the hall. Three of them also warned me not to pull the left lever. I tested it with a Shadow simply out of curiosity and I was left to question its necessity."

Yzma let out a tsk. "Well, if you must know, I used my authority to search the palace for the item. However, the emperor twit had taken notice of the fact that I had been… How did he put it? Ah, yes. Doing his job. Handling the matter of starving peasants and political responsibilities behind his back. Like that impulsive moron could do any better. And so, he fired me! Me! I practically raised him! This kingdom would be dust without me!"

Kuja frowned. "The nerve of those emperors," he snarked. "I suppose that makes your part of the job a little bit harder."

Kronk returned, holding a small vial containing a few long white hairs. "Cat extract, coming right up," he said. He looked up slightly when he noticed Kuja. "Hey. You should probably wear something a little more protective in here, ma'am."

Kuja narrowed his eyes in mild annoyance. "I thank you for your concern," he said dryly.

Yzma took a set of tweezers and pulled a single cat hair from the vial, then dropped the hair into the beaker. The concoction bubbled and a pink cloud burst from the opening. She chuckled, then poured the contents of the beaker into an empty vial with the illustration of a cat taped onto it. She stuffed a cork into the opening of the vial and handed it off to Kronk, who ran over to place it in the cabinet, then returned to her side.

"So, what shall you do next?" Kuja asked. "Will you pack your chemistry set up and cart them off to the fortress? Because it appears as though if he's still around to find out you're still around, you won't be around here for much longer."

Yzma stood up straight and grinned wickedly. "That's it! I'll get rid of him!" she exclaimed. "You see, it's perfect. With him out of the way and no heir to take the throne, I'll take over and rule the empire. Brilliant!"

But Kronk was confused. "So, how will that work with you being fired and all?" he asked, noticing an obvious hole in the plan.

"The only ones who know about that are the four of us," Yzma explained, holding up four fingers, "soon to be the three of us." She lowered one of her fingers.

"And I'm one of those three, right?" Kronk double-checked.

"Of course not. The third one would be the emperor whom she just voiced her intent to kill," Kuja responded sarcastically.

Yzma grinned mischievously. "Ooh, how shall I do it?" she muttered to herself. "Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then, I'll put that flea in a box. And then I'll put that box inside of another box. And then I'll mail that box to myself. And when it arrives, I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER! It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say!" She laughed maniacally.

"Well, points for the theatricality," Kuja commended.

Yzma shrugged quickly and ran over to the cabinet. "Or to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this," she said, reaching in and pulling out a tall pink vial, holding it up for both Kronk and Kuja to see.

Kuja clapped. "Subtle and quiet, but I like it. Not only will you have free access to wherever the artifact may be hidden, but we will have a world to control in the process."

Yzma handed the vial to Kronk. "Take it, Kronk. Feel the power."

"Oh, I can feel it," Kronk said.

Kuja held his hands out. "May I?" he requested. Kronk handed the vial to him, and he examined the potion and vial. He studied the label and smirked with amusement. He handed the vial back to Yzma. "Well, then, madam, I wish you well in your game. Good luck claiming the throne and the treasure to our victory. Now, I bid you farewell." A Corridor of Darkness appeared behind Kuja, and he walked backwards into it.

Kronk stared in awe as the portal closed. "Well, you don't see that every day," he said.

"Now, Kronk. Our moment of triumph approaches!" Yzma said, letting out another cackle. "It's dinner time!"