"Okay, my question for you guys," said Harry, picking up the next black card. "'Old MacDonald has _. E-I-E-I-O'."
"Apparently we're ruining nursey rhymes now," said Ron.
"Surprised you know about that one," said Hermione.
"Well, I'm guessing our one was a bit different," said Ron. "Old MacDonald had hippogriffs and dragons on his farm."
"Is he related to Hagrid?" asked Luna.
"Possibly," said Harry. "Anyway, if you guys are ready…" Harry picked up the first card. "Oh dear God, the first thing Old MacDonald has is 'A night of Taco Bell and anal sex'."
"More like E-I-E-I-Eww," said Neville.
"And on that note, we're moving on," said Harry, grabbing the next card. "He also has 'My dead son's baseball glove'."
"He wasn't the one to kill him in the first place, was he?" asked Ron.
"Well, we'll know for sure when we see how psychotic the other three cards make him," said Harry, grabbing the next answer. "Well, he has 'Weapons grade plutonium'. That's definitely not helping his case."
"Uhh…" started Ron.
"Radioactive substance," said Hermione, before seeing Ron's blank face. "It makes you sick and kills you. Hopefully in that order."
"Gotcha," said Ron, as Harry grabbed the next card.
"'Pork products'," said Harry. "Pretty sure they're called pigs."
"Actually, they don't become pork until after they're killed," said Hermione.
"No-one asked for that clarification," said Ginny.
"And finally," said Harry, grabbing the last card. "'Cool 90s up-in-the-front hair'. I didn't realise that was ever cool."
"To be fair, were you even cool in the 90s?" asked Ron.
"I was at Hogwarts, sometimes," said Harry. "It depended on what disaster had just happened."
"Well, you were always cool to me," said Ginny.
"Aww, thanks Gin," said Harry.
"Of course, then I married you and discovered you weren't, but still…" said Ginny.
"Gee, thank Gin," said Harry. "Anyway, who had weapons grade plutonium?"
"The card, or…" asked Ron.
"That would be me," said Hermione, taking the point. "Okay Ginny, you're up."
Ginny took a card, read it to herself, and chuckled a bit. "Boys, you'll want to be careful how you answer this one," she said. "'Can a woman really have it all? A career and _?'"
"What do you mean? My wife isn't here," said Neville.
"Yeah? Well mine is," said Harry, playing his card, before quickly adding. "Not that I'm playing an offensive one."
"You better not be," said Ginny, giving him a look while the others played their cards. "Now, let's see how bad this is."
"Do you really need to ask?" asked Ron, as Ginny grabbed the first card.
"'A teenage boy gunning for a handjob'," read Ginny. "That sounds illegal."
"Cougars don't tend to mind," said Luna.
"And we're moving on before that gets any more disturbing," said Ginny, grabbing the next card. "'Chris Hemsworth'. I don't know who that is, so I honestly don't know if that's a good thing or not."
"He's a movie star," said Hermione. "And from what I know of him, a fairly attractive one at that."
"Done some personal research on him, have you?" asked Neville.
"…hey Ginny, what's the next card say?" asked Hermione.
"'A respectful discussion of race and gender on the Internet'," said Ginny. "I…don't know what to make of that."
"It's almost impossible for the Internet to do that is what it's getting at," said Hermione.
"Hermione, you know she's not going to pick that one," said Harry (who noticed Neville looked disappointed at that comment).
"I know, it's just…if I know something, I need people to know that I know it, you know?" said Hermione.
"Trust me, I know," said Ron.
"Okay, that next thing a woman can have is…" said Ginny, grabbing the next card. "'Object permanence'. Great, now we're babies."
"So that one's not winning either?" asked Hermione.
"Hmm…" mused Ginny. "If I say no, will whoever played it look disappointed?"
"If they know what's good for them, they won't," said Hermione. "So we don't know whose arse to kick."
"And now they know to keep their poker faces on," said Luna.
"Ron seems to already be doing that," Neville pointed out.
"Ah…" started Ron. "Maybe I just don't have anything to contribute?"
"You just keep believing that," said Ginny, picking up the last card. "And the final answer is 'Meatloaf, the man'. Again, no idea who that is. Is he a hottie like this Hemsworth guy?"
"He's a singer, and no," said Hermione.
"Right, so I'm sticking with Hemsworth then," said Ginny.
"I'll take that," said Harry, claiming the point. "Ron, you're up."
"Please be better than last time…" whispered Ron, picking up the next black card. "God damn it. 'As the mom of five rambunctious boys, I'm no stranger to _'."
"I always knew Hermione wore the pants in your relationship," said Harry.
"Fuck you Harry," said Ron.
"You wouldn't cheat on your husband, would you Ron?" asked Hermione innocently.
Ron sighed in frustration, as the others played their cards. "I just want to get this over with," he said, picking up the first card. "Okay, the first thing I'm no stranger to is 'Butt stuff'. Feel like that's not true, otherwise you wouldn't have five kids."
"Depends how rambunctious the boys are," said Ginny.
"And on that disturbing thought, we're moving on," said Ron. "'A chimpanzee in sunglasses fucking your wife'. Wait, is the kid the monkey in this case, or…"
"Sounds like it," said Luna. "And he's so cool he won't even take off his sunglasses while he does it."
"Please move on before this gets worse," said Hermione.
"Do you really think we're going to top that?" asked Ron, picking up the next card. "Okay, apparently we are. I'm no stranger to 'Driving my daughter to her abortion'."
"Jesus fucking Christ," said Harry. "Surely it'll only go up from that."
"You'd hope so, but…" started Ron, as he picked up the next card. "Actually, this one isn't as bad. 'Unlocking a new sex position'."
"I can't believe we've reached the point where THAT is the improvement," said Ginny. "How did we sink that low?"
"Well, we're playing the game to begin with," said Harry. "That probably had something to do with it."
"Also, it was the abortion card that sunk us this time, so what did you expect?" said Ron, picking up the last card. "Anyway, the last card says I'm no stranger to 'Goblins'. So, does she go to Gringotts a lot, or is that what she's calling her kids?"
"If she's a witch, probably both," said Hermione. "So, who wins?"
"The abortion one," said Ron. "I like the fucked-up nature of it."
"That's a point for me," said Neville, taking the point. "Hermione, you're up."
"Okay then," said Hermione, picking up the next black card. "'Oi! Show us _!'"
"Show you what?" asked Neville.
"Probably some idiot's why of asking for tits," said Luna.
"Well, they're gonna be sorely disappointed at my card then," said Neville, selecting a card to play.
"Same," said Ginny, playing her card.
"Same," said Ron, playing his card.
"How dare you disappoint the perverts like that?" asked Hermione, as the last couple of cards were played. "Well, let's see how you disappointed them." Hermione grabbed the first card and read it out. "'An evil man in evil clothes'."
"How is that something they're interested in?" asked Ron.
"I think we've already established that practically none of these answers will be good," said Neville.
"Speaking of which…" said Hermione, grabbing the next card. "They want to be shown 'The World of Warcraft'."
"With how it's capitalised, I assume it's something important?" asked Ron.
"Ah, Ron? I haven't shown anyone else the card yet," said Hermione, laying the card out on the table.
"…oops…" said Ron.
"Well, now that I know which one was Ron's, let's see what else we've got here," said Hermione, picking up the next card. "'A fully-dressed female videogame character'. I'd have thought they'd want the opposite."
"A naked male real-life person?" asked Harry.
"…maybe not quite that opposite," said Hermione, picking up the next card. "'An AK-47 assault rifle'. I guess they're American then."
"I…" started Ron.
"America has a huge gun problem," said Hermione.
"Thank you," said Ron, as Hermione picked up the last card.
"And the last thing they want to see is…'At least three ducks'," said Hermione. "Wow, you guys really did have nothing for this card."
"So, who do you believe had the least worst?' asked Harry.
"Least worst is right, I don't want to give it to any of these," said Hermione, looking over all the cards over and over again. "Ugh…I'm going to go with…" Hermione looked away and pointed at a random card. "This one."
"Wait, I actually won this round?" asked Neville, staring in shock.
"Yeah, sure, let's go with that," said Hermione.
"Wow, okay," said Neville, confused as he took the point. "Guess I'm up then?"
"What have you got for us Neville?" asked Harry.
"Here goes," said Neville, picking up the next black card. "'Senator, I trust you enjoyed _ last night. Now, can I count on your vote?'"
"Given that some of us work for the government, we should keep things somewhat tame, right?" asked Hermione as she played her card.
"Nah," said Harry, playing his card.
"Why would any of us do that?" asked Ginny, playing her card.
"Yeah, we know what politicians are like," said Ron, playing his card.
"Okay, so the clean card is Hermione's then. Got it," said Neville.
"Hey, it could be Luna's," said Hermione.
"I don't know if mine's clean or not," said Luna. "But it does sound bad, so…who knows?"
"Alright, let's see then," said Neville, picking up the first card. "The first thing the senator enjoyed was 'Nickelback', whatever that is."
"They're a rock band, and twenty galleons says that was Hermione's card," said Harry confidently.
"You can't prove that," said Hermione.
"Does anyone doubt me?" asked Harry.
"Well, no-one's taken you up on the bet," said Ron.
"…fuck you guys," said Hermione.
"Okay, the next thing the senator enjoyed is…," started Neville, picking the next card. "'Violating the First Law of Robotics'."
"And that'll be Luna," said Ginny.
"You don't know…" started Luna. "Ah, who am I kidding, yeah it was."
"Next up we have…" said Neville, reading the next card. "'Waking up half-naked in a Macca's car park'."
"Didn't we have that card already?" asked Ron.
"No, the other one was a Denny's," said Hermione. "Not that there's much difference."
"Next," said Neville. "'Fucking my sister'. Sounds like a Ron and Harry situation there."
"And I did enjoy it, thank you," said Harry.
"I didn't need to know that," said Ron.
"And finally," said Neville. "'Scrotum tickling'. Hoo boy, that sounds like they had fun."
"You'd hope so," said Harry. "So, who won?"
"I've gotta go with the 'fucking my sister' one," said Neville. "It's just fucked up enough for me to love it."
"All I needed to hear," said Harry, claiming the point. "Okay Luna, your turn."
"Okay, here goes," said Luna, reading her black card. "'Madam President, the asteroid is headed directly for Earth and there's only one thing that can stop it: _'."
"So basically, what Hermione would hear if the wizarding world is asked to stop an apocalypse," said Harry.
"Pfft, I'd just send you in again," said Hermione dismissively as she picked her card.
"If everyone's ready," said Luna, as the final card landed in front of her. "The first thing that's getting used to stop the asteroid is…'Rising sea levels consistent with scientific predictions'."
"Well, if the ocean's high enough, the asteroid won't do much damage to the world, will it?" asked Ron.
"Yeah, because everything will be underwater," said Hermione.
"Yeah, but it won't kill anyone," said Ron.
"Because everyone will already be dead," said Ginny.
"Yeah, but there's no casualties," said Ron.
"I don't think this conversation is going anywhere," said Harry.
"Do you want me to read the next card?" asked Luna.
"Please do," said Neville.
"Okay," said Luna, picking up the next card. "The only thing that can stop the asteroid is…'Geese'."
"We're trusting the fate of the world to those chaotic bastards?" asked Ron. "We're fucking screwed."
"Yep," said Luna, picking up the next card. "Unless you want to trust 'Clenched butt cheeks' to save us."
"I'm not sure that'll help us much either," said Neville. "Unless you're clenching hard enough to block the asteroid?"
"Well, if it's that close to the planet, you might as well," said Hermione. "It's not like you'll have many other options at that point."
"Probably the worst part is that you're entertaining that idea," said Ron.
"But is it as bad as the next answer?" asked Luna, picking up the card. "Which is…'Kanye West', whatever that is."
"He's a rapper, and he'd probably just made the situation worse," said Hermione.
"What's a rapper?" asked Neville. "Is it like what you get around sweets, or…"
"It's a type of music," said Hermione. "And this Kanye guy is…kind of an idiot."
"That's putting it nicely," said Harry.
"Well, whatever the problem with him is, he's probably better than…" started Luna, reaching for the final card.
"No he's not," said Hermione.
"…'A man from Craigslist,'" finished Luna. "Which is…"
"A website for classified advertisements," said Hermione. "Though I have heard some…interesting things get advertised on there."
"And you're going to maintain that a random guy on that site is a better choice to stop an asteroid than Kanye West?" asked Ron.
"…yes," said Hermione, only somewhat confidently.
"In any case, it's not up to you who's qualified to stop the asteroid," said Harry. "Luna, who's the winner?"
"Hmm…" Luna pondered. "I sort of want to say Kanye to see what Hermione says…"
"You've gotta be kidding me," said Hermione.
"…But I prefer the idea that geese are our only hope," Luna finished.
"So close," said Ron, as Harry claimed his next point.
"Okay, what's next?" asked Harry, reaching for the next black card.
Author's note: The current scores are:
Harry, Hermione, and Neville: 5
Luna: 4
Ron: 3
Ginny: 2