Wiping his tears, he gathered together what little of the baby things he had found, and searched frantically through the drawer. Finding the piece of parchment he'd been looking for, he checked the address and apparated away from his dingy bedsit, and to the one place he hoped and prayed he'd find the help he needed.
He arrived with a crack, in the front gardens of the quiet and quaint little cottage. It was a small village, with only a handful of farm houses, a post office and a small shop. He longingly looked at the gardens of the house, for they'd clearly been planned out thoroughly but were getting a little bit overrun, due to lack of maintenance. They'd be perfect for potions ingredients. He thought wistfully. And that shed would easily be converted to a lab with a few carefully placed extension charms. The house itself was white, and there was ivy growing up the side, and colourful flowers in a window box. The whole house looked warm and inviting, like it was straight off of a postcard and he could not help but feel like he was so out of place as he stood in his dirty worn robes by the farmhouse door.
Once more the blow to his pride was almost a physical pain, almost enough to make him turn around with a sneer and apparate home. Something stopped him though. Taking one look at the small boy in his arms he knew that there was nothing else for it, bracing himself he stepped forward and knocked on the door. He felt the thrum of her wards around the property when he knocked, strong and impressive. He smirked a little when a cheeky otter patronus popped through the door, and he heard her voice spring forth. "Hello, Who is it?"
"It's me..." He managed to choke out to the otter, unsure of what else to say, yet it was enough for the otter gave him a nod and shot back to it's owner. He was surprised when barely a moment after the otter returned the response to it's sender, the door was opened almost immediately. He was stunned when she smiled at him warmly, and fondly greeted him as she leant against the frame, as though as she was actually pleased to see him.
"Severus! How are you -... " It was then she must have noticed the state of him, and the small burden in the carrier in his arms. Her face dropped and instantly she stepped back with wide eyes, ushering him inside without another word.
"What on Earth? Severus what's going on?" She asked with concern, and he realised that now he was there, in the face of her open concern he just couldn't find the words, so he handed her the parchment that came that morning. She read it quickly, her hand covering her mouth in shock as she took in the words.
"How did she die?" She asked shakily and he answered softly, as he held the carrier with the whimpering child closer. "She killed herself. Her b-body was still there when I...when I went to get him, I had no idea she was even alive, let alone pregnant...we were not close" He hated himself in that moment. For the tremor in his voice, for how it shook.
"Gods Severus" She whispered, as she made her way over to him "Is her body still there?" He nodded, and she sent her patronus off to Potter at work, telling him to boot the aurors up the arse and get them to deal with it.
She approached him, "May I?" She asked, pulling the dingy blanket back to look at the small boys face as he nodded his permission, she gasped "Severus he's filthy! is this?...this is vernix! from the birth! How long was he alone?"
Her wide shocked eyes cut through him, and any pretence he had of holding it together promptly fell apart, much to his utter horror he found himself trembling with restrained emotion as he told her everything.
"Hours" He managed to croak out. "When she realised he was mine, she drank herself stupid before she killed herself, the ministry didn't send the owl until at least 4 hours after she died"
The boy whimpered and he held the carrier tighter to his chest with a small sob that he tried desperately to contain, and hated himself for being unable to do so. How he loathed himself in that moment.
"I don't know what to do" He whispered and his voice shook on the admission. It was painful to admit, especially to her, but he knew of all people she wouldn't judge him. Though that didn't make it much easier. His pride was in tatters and shame rocked his body, but he forced himself to continue. This is not about you anymore Severus. You must do what you must for him.
"I know he needs cleaning, but I was afraid that the water would be too hot or-or too cold, or the soap would make him itch or give him a rash, and his umbilical's too long I think and I-"
"Severus. Calm down" Warm amber eyes met his as her hand settled on his cheek, and he found himself instantly calming and getting lost in her warm gaze. His eyes beseeching her to please, just tell him what to do. Just give him instructions that he could follow.
She saw the desperate need in his eyes, and he saw the Gryffindor resolve in hers and it calmed him somewhat.
"First, let's get him out of that carrier, he's way too young for it and it's not safe for him"
"I'm sorry" He groaned, barely a father for an hour and he was already hurting his son with his ignorance, Severus you imbecile.
But she quickly cut him off with a soft look and a hand on his arm "It's alright, you didn't know, I'm guessing she bought it?"
He nodded and lifted the boy out of the carrier gently, and Hermione hissed through her teeth when his bottom half was exposed as the blanket fell away.
"He's covered in meconium, did he get any in his mouth or ears?" She asked rather urgently and Severus shook his head. "Severus are you sure?"
"I-I don't think so, this is exactly how I found him, he was still on the bed with all the blood and afterbirth"
She winced once more, then gestured to him. "Come on" She said and urged him to follow her, which he did after taking his shoes off at the door, hoping she wouldn't notice the holes in his socks. There was only so many times clothes could be magically repaired before they gave up the ghost and would disintegrate.
They made their way upstairs into the nursery and she gestured for him to be quiet, as her own child was sleeping in the cot. Rose was sleeping in the middle of a very large and expensive looking carved wooden cot. It was beautiful, and looked bespoke, made out of a delicate white wood and Severus noted purple butterflies decorating one side. She was wearing a plush looking little onesie, and a mobile of magical creatures was revolving above making soft music and light, of which Severus had no doubt was of her own creation. "Try to be quiet, she's a very difficult sleeper"
He nodded mutely. Once more he felt the physical pain in his chest, as shame rose in him, which was becoming frighteningly familiar by this point. This is what his son deserved, but would never have. He could never afford to give his son these nice things, he was likely to go to Hogwarts in second hand robes just like Severus himself did. If I manage not to kill him with my ignorance before then.
"Changing room is through here" She said quietly and he followed her through, to the small warm room. There was a white wooden changing table with drawers on one side, and the other side held another set of drawers that had a large inlaid basin, easily large enough to bath a small child in.
She set the tap running. "This water is charmed for the right temperature, but if yours isn't you test it like this" She dipped her elbow into the water. "It should feel just slightly warmer than you are, not hot or cold alright?" He nodded and she offered him a small smile.
This was easier. This was is why he came to her, she wasn't judging him or lecturing him, or gods forbid pitying him. Just giving him the facts, plain and simple.
She went to reach for the boy in his arms, but he found some instinct in himself slightly tightening his grasp and leaning back. Instantly she stopped, but instead of being offended as he expected at his reluctance to let go of his son, she smiled at him before he had the chance to apologise. "Do you want to do it?" She asked gently and he, unable to find his vocabulary, just mutely nodded in the affirmative.
Guiding him over to the sink, she encouraged him to lower the baby into the water. "This water is shallow, and the basin is charmed, but you always have to remember that at this age he can't support his own head" She guided his hands until his son was laid in the basin, with Severus's hand supporting his head and neck."A baby can drown in just 3 inches of water" He gulped and nodded, and she let go of his arms. He quickly looked to her with panic in his gaze, but she did not leave him, merely stood to the side with a reassuring smile, so he turned his gaze back to the boy in his arms.
"Use your free hand to cup some water onto him, but avoid his head for now alright? I'll do that this first time"
Once more he nodded, and began to rinse the grime and dirt covering him. She was praising him now, a constant litany of platitudes that he should have found aggravating coming from the know it all, but since her statement about drowning in his heightened state of stress and shock, he only found her words reassuring.
"Wash his hair now, but be very gentle with his head, they're very delicate at this age" She was stood close by him, arm to arm. She was so free with touch, and was constantly touching his back or arm as she spoke, to reassure him and he relished the friendly contact even as he almost wept in shame at the state of himself and his son. He was well aware that his robes were shabby, his hair was greasy and he was probably pretty ripe himself, not having expected any of this to happen this morning, and him having been doing his best to stay clean by just using cleansing charms.
Soothed by the warm water, the baby yawned and stretched, and opened his eyes for the first time since they arrived, and blinked. Hermione instantly cooed to him. "Well hello handsome" She smiled "look at those beautiful eyes, you look just like your Daddy" She smiled and held his little fist in her hand, running her thumb gently over his hand. Severus's hands shook at her casual acceptance, of both him and his son. She noticed the tremble and looked at him questioningly but he simply shook his head and wouldn't speak, so she rubbed his arm soothingly.
"We should be ok to get a sponge now" She said, and retrieved a luxuriously soft one, from one of the drawers. Severus fought a cringe as he looked at it, mentally totting up what it would cost him to replace. It looked like one of those really posh and expensive ones from some muggle designer outlet, that no doubt cost about £20 for the damn sponge alone. "May I?" She asked and he dutifully nodded, holding on to his son, he allowed her to gently sponge down the mess off the boy's body. "He can't see you clearly yet" She said softly as she worked "But he can hear you, so you should be speaking to him often"
"What do I say?" He asked just as softly, and the boy kicked in response in his arms. "See" She smiled "You must've already been speaking to him, he likes your voice already"
"I-It's alright" He whispered. "You're going to be alright little man"
Hermione smiled in gentle approval, as she carefully cleaned his face and gestured for him to lift the now clean baby as she retrieved a towel. She wrapped the towel around the wriggling boy and brought Severus by her side to the changing table.
"Pop him down here" She said gesturing to the soft padded top. He gently placed his son down, as she gathered a few items from various wooden drawers.
"Now he can't turn himself over yet, but he can roll off the edge if you're not careful-..."
His hand shot out and quickly rested on the boy's belly as if to stabilise him and she chuckled, resting a soothing hand on his back "This table is charmed, but good reactions" He flushed with embarrassment, but she carried on as though she hadn't see. "Never lay him on his front, as he can't hold himself up yet and may suffocate. Always put him on his back, until he's old enough to hold himself up and turn himself around"
She brought out numerous products, and he quickly scanned them trying to take them all in.
"He's got a really bad rash, so I'm going to put some sudocrem on first, alright?"
"What's that?" He asked suspiciously as he looked at the muggle grey plastic tub. She handed it to him with a raised eyebrow and he quickly read the label, before giving it back to her with a nod.
"This is pretty bad" She gestured to the red rash that had been revealed under all the grime they'd removed. "If it doesn't get better soon, you may have to take him to see the doctors"
She lifted his feet and began applying the cream to his bottom, and then laid him back down to do his front as well. "Well this is a first isn't it mister?" she said jokingly as she applied the cream to the boys genitals.
She chuckled when she noticed Severus's face flaming at her words and actions. "Sorry, but you're a parent now. You can't be squeamish about this sort of thing and you've got to be thorough. In a boy a rash like this could easily become an infection in his genitals and that will be really sore and uncomfortable for him, you have to make sure you clean him thoroughly everywhere or even nappy rash can quickly turn into a yeast infection"
He fought his mortification to nod in response and then watched as she talked him through putting on a nappy.
"We need to clip this off" She said then, gesturing to the boys umbilical. "Luckily I kept Rose's" She retrieved the plastic clip from one of the drawers and cast a scourgify, as Severus hovered nervously beside her.
"Are you ok for me to do this?" She asked him his permission.
"Will it hurt him?" He asked, as he looked distrustfully at the piece of plastic.
"He won't feel it, there's no nerves in the umbilical" She assured him and at his nod, she placed the clamp, near the boys navel.
"The rest of the cord needs to come off, there's too much. Do you want to cut it?" She asked, as she produced a pair of sharp scissors which she scourgified once more.
He took the scissors and looked at his son, both longing and fear evident in his gaze. "It won't hurt him?" He asked once again, hating that he needed her reassurance once more. "He won't even feel it, but it needs to be done as its dangerous to leave it too long"
She gestured where for him to cut, and steeling his breath he did so. Only letting it out when the boy continued on none the wiser.
"The rest will dry up and fall off in time, Well done Dad" She said gently and his eyes snapped to hers before quickly dropping the scissors out of the way. She vanished the excess cord they'd cut, and then retrieved a small pale blue outfit from one of the drawers.
"This should fit if you'd like it, its never been worn" She said "Do you mind?"
He shook his head no, and watched as she carefully dressed his son, cooing to him all the while.
"Thank You" He said, the words were resonant and they both knew... it wasn't just the clothes he was thanking her for.