AN: For those of you who haven't found me already, I have started a page on facebook, pop over and say Hi !
Please continue to review on stories, it really fuels the creative fire, but if you would like to chat or have any direct questions about the stories that you would like an answer to, pop on over to the page ! Love Ems. x (P.S ...I also take commissions)
"You're talking like he raped me Severus"
The words were quiet and cautious
"Didn't he?" He countered and she was silent, for she had no fitting answer for him.
She was quiet for a long while, her full attention focused on swirling what was left of the wine in her glass. She looked morose, and he felt horrendously guilty for making her feel so, the one person in his whole existence who cared a jot for him, and had spent the day selflessly helping...had over the course of the day gone from the happy smiling woman that greeted him at the door, to the maudlin creature sat before him.
You ruin everything you touch.
"Apologies, I spoke out of turn." He said quietly, but she just shook her head with a sad smile and downed the rest of her glass. "The one downside of breast feeding they don't tell you about" She said gesturing to him, by saluting with her empty wine glass. "I've never much cared for it, but now that I can't have more than one a day it's as though I've never needed it more and my body has decided that all life's problems can be cured at the bottom of a bottle."
He said nothing. He couldn't. For if he had the funds to do it, he would no doubt be easily found drinking or smoking whatever he could get his hands on.
She inhaled sharply as though to prepare herself "I don't think -" she began but he cut her off. "Please, do not push yourself, you do not owe me an explanation and I spoke without considering your feelings, for that I apologise"
Then she reached across the table and placed her small hand in his, giving his hand a light squeeze.
"It's alright, I think I need to get it off my chest, you know? and you're the first person I trust to speak about it freely"
He couldn't more than nod sharply in ascent, words completely failed him. Not just at her declaration of trust, which was astounding in its own right, but at the small warm hand that still held his own. No-one had ever held his hand before. He was not prepared for it, the gentle touch given so easily and It entirely unmanned him. Keeping his head bowed, he gave the illusion of offering her some semblance of privacy from his gaze while she spoke her peace, but in reality it offered him the opportunity to at least attempt to regain some sense of his composure which had promptly shattered at her gentle and friendly touch, though she began to speak none the wiser to how her gentle touch had all but demolished his weak hold on his composure.
"I don't think I ever allowed myself to use that word for what Ron did. A part of me wanted to, but another part...wouldn't allow me to even think of it really. How could I? It seemed laughable to even compare what Ron did, to what Fenrir did. In my head I thought, at least Ron wasn't trying to hurt me, not that first time. I thought that, like he said, that I could at least give him this... because in a way he'd been cheated too...because I wasn't a v-virgin anymore."
His murderous black eyes snapped up and met hers at her softly spoken statement and she would've flinched at the intensity, if she hadn't known for certain that his anger wasn't directed at her.
"Just because Fenrir used all the incredible violence that his twisted mind was capable of, does not negate Weasley's actions. Rape is defined by consent, not by the force in which the aggressor uses. Nor in my eyes does it make his crimes any less barbaric, in fact I believe it could be argued that Weasley's crime was much worse... made more atrocious because of the emotional connection you shared with him, and the trust that he shattered with his actions. You were injured, frightened, traumatised. This boy, this ignorant, selfish excuse for a human, who only existed because you kept them both alive for so long, coerces you into an intimate situation you do not want and he dares...he dares to use the selfish, misogynist opinion to even imply that you had somehow been ruined for him because you were no longer untouched? The fact alone that he cared more about staking his claim over an inconsequential bit of tissue, like a dog pissing on a lampost, rather than your own emotional state at having your first intimate experience be a traumatic assault... shows who we was as a person. As much a vermin as the rat he carried about. Be thankful he is dead and gone already witch, for I would've made Fenrir's ferocity pale in comparison to what I would've done to that swine had I found out how he treated you that day. Let alone his actions afterwards, towards you and your child. The one time he even dared to even insinuate that you. You, the smartest, bravest and kindest witch to leave Hogwarts in it's living history, to insinuate that you were in anyway diminished because of the experiences you survived, experiences that would've crushed the pathetic mind of a boy like him, I would've had him begging for an Avada when I was through with him!"
The anger he felt burned his blood hot, and he realised he was squeezing her hand somewhat tightly and that she was staring at him in mute wide eyed silence. His skin turned clammy when he saw her eyes fill with tears and he fought back the bile that threatened at the thought he had terrified her with his outburst.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
"Thank You" Came the tremulous responce, and it threw him off so much that he answered "For what?" the heartfelt gratitude in her words and the fact that her hand was still tightly grasping his, making the usually eloquent man lose all sense of equilibrium.
"For seeing it... for not burying your head in the sand like the others did, but for validating that I was right to feel...violated... by the way he treated me...And for offering to kill him for me. It's one thing having someone like Harry who'd be willing to die for you, but it's another thing entirely having someone who'd be willing to kill for you...so thank you"
He couldn't meet the gratitude in her gaze, so merely turned away and nodded with a sniff. "It is no less than you deserve"
She busied herself with clearing the dishes from the table and after a moment he kicked himself for allowing his mind to wander, and stood to assist her. "You're a guest" She chided softly as he stood by her at the sink, but he waved her off.
"You've done enough for me this night, witch"
Gently nudging her to the side, he took over washing the plates, the muggle way as she had been. "You had better dry them, for I do not know the proper place for their return"
They washed the pots and pans in companionable silence, apart from the moment where he wondered to himself why she had not likewise charmed the sink, the way she had done the bath upstairs. She must have sensed where his thoughts had wondered to though because she broke the silence .
"I know a spell would be quicker. But some things I just like to do the muggle way...it's cathartic, you know?"
"Indeed" He answered, for he did understand. Growing up in a muggle home just as she had, there were things that he too found cathartic to do the muggle way. One of those was brewing tea from leaves, as she had done before, what had been part of his daily routine at Hogwarts had quickly become a luxury he could no longer afford, which had only increased his enjoyment of the tea she had prepared for them earlier.
As they both dried their hands there was a chime from the washing machine, signalling that his clothes were clean once more, though to Severus it was the proverbial death knoll and dejected he glanced from the washing machine, to looking sideways longingly at the teapot on the table, before turning to face her and almost blushing when he realised she was looking directly at him, hoping she hadn't caught his wistful gaze towards the still half full teapot.
"You know, wizarding clothes don't always stand up well to the tumble drier, so they won't be dry until morning if I put them on the clothes airer... you should stay the night if it isn't an inconvenience to you? I have a spare bedroom, and the little man has had a long day too, it would be a shame to wake him now"
He swallowed the lump in his throat, but nodded once, before hesitantly meeting her gaze. "I daresay it is you that would be inconvenienced by our presence, you have been nothing short of a miracle this night Hermione, and I am in your debt, moreso than I was already"
She scoffed and waved it off, but he was having none of it.
"Do not be so quick to dismiss your actions, I can count on one hand the number of people I have been able to trust over my life, and even fewer would I call an actual friend. I am well aware of the fact that you're the sole reason that I have the freedom that I have and am not still languishing in Azkaban, or dead on the floor of that shack. You're also the only person tenacious and persistent enough to keep friendly contact with me, when I am anything less than pleasant in my infrequent letters. And all that is before the events of this day, do not doubt that I am in your debt, witch."
She was silent for a moment, before in a move that both rooted him to the spot and shook him senseless, she wrapped her arms around him in a solid hug. His arms trembled as he returned her embrace, and she spoke into his chest.
"It is you that shouldn't sell yourself short Severus, must I list just some of the ways you have saved me over the years? In my second year you both rescued me from my poyjuice induced foray into feline nature and cured me of petrification. In my third year, you put yourself between me and a werewolf, in my fifth year you put me back together when Dolhov tried his best to turn me inside out, in my sixth year you did everything you could to try and teach me the skills to save myself and for the last 20 years you dedicated yourself to trying to make the world a safer place for students of my heritage and nearly died in that fight and that isn't mentioning the numerous times that I am certain you saved my life without my knowledge, of which I'm sure there is many. So do not speak about debts Severus, because I can assure you the scales are evenly balanced, or if they're not its because they tip in your favour. If anything, I should be asking what I can do to make it up to you."
She pulled back from the hug, subtly turning to wipe the tears from her eyes and providing him a convenient oppurtunity to do the same unnoticed.
"So, will you stay the night? If you need me to sweeten the deal, I've been told I make really good waffles for breakfast"
He barked out a surprised laugh, and even more surprising to Hermione he pulled her back into a quick one armed hug which she returned with a smile.
"I could be persuaded...especially if you have any more of that coconut cream"
To his delight she just laughed and went to pour them some more tea.
And he couldn't help but smile, that the true hell of his existence had been put on hold for another 12 hours at least.