Her other hand stroked through his hair and she rocked and shushed him and whispered gentle promises of care, protection, friendship and even love.
He stayed there in her arms until blackness took over his vision and he surrendered to it like the blessing it was, thinking to himself in his most shameful of thoughts, that perhaps if she were to keep holding him like this forever, he wouldn't be so disappointed to wake up again.
oOo
He awoke in her arms, still curled in the foetal position on the floor. It was hardly the most comfortable position to be in, especially seeing as at some point he'd gained an extra carer in the form of Sacha, who'd wedged himself into his arms and Severus found that he was holding him to his chest like a giant Teddy Bear for comfort much to his consternation, though the great beast didn't seem to mind in the slightest. He did notice at some point she'd cast a cushioning charm beneath him though, because there was no way that the plush carpet was as soft as it was beneath him, and his weary bones thanked her.
Hearing a soft noise from the room, Alexander, his body tensed, prepared to go to his son but Hermione just gentled him with a soft shushing noise and a hand weaving softly through his hair. "It's alright, they're both still sleeping"
Muscles going lax, strings cut and all energy drained from him despite the impromptu nap he'd just partaken in, he felt like he'd ran a marathon and was as equally exhausted, both mentally and physically.
They stayed there a bit longer, it was hard to keep track of time. His face hurt and his sinuses were clogged from all the sobbing he'd done, his muscles ached also but the shame of it all was what was choking him.
What a state he was in, how the mighty hath fallen. He was once one of the most formidable wizards in Britain and here he was reduced to this disgusting miserable husk, holding onto a tiny woman as though for dear life, head in her lap like a scolded child and snuggled up to a giant pink dog on the carpeted floor of a nursery.
His defences, shields, everything were obliterated. He didn't think he could occlude everything back away the way it had been before, and reaching a hand to cover his eyes that were once more leaking tears, he didn't believe for a moment he had the strength to do so, even if he'd had the motivation.
"What you must think of me" He choked out, on discovering first hand the mess he was in. Skin flushed and sweaty to the touch, hair greasy and his face a mess of tears and snot. "What a pathetic wretch of a man, what a waste of air, holding onto your apron strings and balling like a damn child, I would have been better off if they'd just killed me"
The last words ended in a sob, he'd cried more in the last 9 months than he'd done in the 40 years prior.
" I don't think you're any of those things Severus. I think it's a testament to your strength that you haven't broken down before now. I think perhaps you've never had anyone in your life to tell you this, so I'm going to. You're allowed to be broken, Severus. You don't have to pretend that you're alright, that nothing has affected you. You don't have to be made of stone. Not in front of your friends at least, not in front of me. After everything that you've been through in life, everything you've survived, you are completely justified to be bitter and angry if that's how you can cope. There is nothing wrong with being damaged, unhappy, hurt or scared…but what would be the point in living a miserable life followed by a miserable death? You are alive, that means that you have the opportunity to remake yourself a new life, a happier future for yourself"
He was quiet as the weight of her words ran through him. No one had ever told him anything of the sort, that it was ok to just…be. To be damaged, to be hurt and angry for his lot in life. His whole life people had scolded him and looked down on him for his attitude and disposition, even after Lily's death, even after his almost death because of James Potter…he'd always been expected to just get over it and soldier forgive, forget and move on, as though those events hadn't affected him the way they had. But here this tiny slip of a woman was, holding him close and soothing him and telling him it was alright to be bitter and angry and damaged, it was ok to be a miserable bastard if that's the way he felt. That his feelings were justified, they were allowed. That he wasn't a horrible person, because he was affected by his past and couldn't pretend that he wasn't.
"And your son Severus? What about him? He would have died if you hadn't been there to rescue him."
"He would be better off with you, better with any other than me. What life can I offer him? What life can any child have, with the Sins of the Father hanging over their head"
She didn't answer and though her hand never faltered in the soothing gestures, he felt a sudden tenseness run through her. He glanced up at her, and saw the haunted look in her eyes before his stomach dropped and his blood froze when he realised the weight of his emotionally charged words.
"I apologise , I am a blasted fool, I didn't mean to imply that Rose -"
"It's alright Severus" She smiled but there was pain hidden behind it and he cursed himself 10 times as a fool for being the one who put it there.
He forced himself to sit up and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pulling her into his side and reversing their roles.
"Rose is a wonderful baby Hermione, and she will grow up to be just as brave, beautiful, courageous, intelligent and caring as her mother. That is what she will be known for. I will make sure of it"
She leant into the hug and returned it before pressing a kiss on his cheek. "And that is why Alexander will grow to be a great man, just like his father"
The confusion must have been clear on his face, because she began to explain.
"Here you are Severus, at your rock bottom, emotionally broken and torn apart and not even having had time to clean the tears from your face or to lick your wounds and get yourself together but the second… the second… that I showed any signs of unhappiness, you forgot about your own issues just for a moment, in favour of comforting me. You put everyone else above yourself. Because at your heart and soul you are a good man Severus, a Great man even. And I will make sure that your son and everyone else knows it." And she pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek. "But first I have to work on, making sure that you yourself know it. You are a Good Man Severus Snape, and don't ever think otherwise"
For a moment they just sat there, and he hoped she wasn't disconcerted by the way he was staring into her eyes, but it was as though she was magnetic and he couldn't pull away. She seemed to be having the same problem. Thankfully they were saved by Sacha who leapt from their laps with a suddenness that startled them, though all became apparent a few moments later when the noise of the babies stirring began to filter through to them.
Spell between them broken, they jumped up quickly as though scolded and both took a moment to sheepishly get themselves under control before they walked together to the main room of the nursery where the babies were both stirring in the cot.
Sacha was on two legs, front legs draped over the edge of the cot as he gently nuzzled his stirring charges.
Whereas Alexander was simply whimpering softly and shaking his fists in mounting displeasure, Rose was whining already, kicking out in agitation and was letting out soft sobs that threatened to become crocodile tears very quickly.
His long strides meant that he was the first to reach the children, he quickly grasped Alexander, holding the boy to his chest and burying his face in the soft fuzz atop his head, focussing on the weight of him, the soft feel of him, the sound of his gentle breathing as the fussing boy almost instantly quieted in his arms. He used his other hand to gently stroke Rose, in a way he'd found that Alexander was comforted, and though she didn't settle, she did quiet some, by the time Hermoine reached them.
There were no words needed, as Hermione placed a gentle and grateful hand on his arm as she copied his actions and brought Rose to her own arms. It was a simple and unconscious gesture on his part, but to Hermione with a colicky baby like Rose, it meant the world. Sniffles led to wails, wails led to hiccups and hiccups led to colic. Those few seconds, that gentle soothing hand could have saved her a day of colicky crying, and as they soothed both babes in unison, she bumped her hip into his, a gesture of companionable thanks and he smiled as they they echoed each other's movements, gentling the children until they were soothed enough to be fed.
Hermoine settled into the chair and took both children to nurse, waiting until both children were settled and latched on, before she began to speak once more.
"Have you seen a healer?" She asked him gently. Making a point of not meeting his eye, doing her best to give him as much comfort room as she was able to, while they discussed the sensitive issue at hand.
"I am a healer" Was his answer. The tone was final and brokered no argument, if she were still his student she would have been cowed and heeded it. But she wasn't.
"We both know that is not the same thing."
"Have you seen a healer?" He turned the question back on her, not expecting her immediate answer.
"Yes Both Muggle and Magical."
That seemed to make him lose the wind from his sails, she could see the arguments he had built up, crumbling around him. As he tiredly wiped a shaking hand over his face.
She answered his unasked question.
"My Second Cousin. His wife is a muggle Doctor, they met in the army, she used to be a military trauma surgeon. They are aware of the magical world, but not a part of it. Though their daughter starts Beauxbatons next year."
Though he didn't answer, she could practically see the thoughts whizzing through his head. He eyed her, clearly weighing something up in his mind.
"Do you trust her?"
"Implicitly. I was going to suggest we take Alexander to her for his newborn checkup, she would see us off the books of course."
Silence reigned supremse for a few moments. The only sound in the room the gentle noises of the children and the soft snuffles of the dog as he made sure Hermione didn't accidentally damage his little chargers. Severys finally looked at her, the children in her arms and then back to her once more.
"Alright"
She could have said many things when he capitulated so quickly, could have asked him if he was certain, asked him exactly what he was alright about, though reading his state of mind and monosyllabic answer at this moment she decided she would follow his lead instead and answer him in kind.
"I will make the arrangements for you both"
It wasn't a question. He sniffed, nodded and walked out of the room , after touching Alexander affectionately on the head.
He left the room, quicker than she was used to seeing him move. He was usually so composed and graceful and lithe with his movements that it was almost disconcerting to see him rushing out of the room. Sacha sensing the situation, followed the man out of the room, never being more than a hair's breadth from his side. A moment later she heard the sound of the shower, before it too was silenced.
Looking at the boy in her arms who had finished nursing and was settling in her arms, she rocked him gently.
"It's going to be alright little man" She pressed a kiss to his head and the tears she held for Severus finally fell.
"You're both going to be alright my boy, I swear… I will keep you both safe"