Chapter 9

After shift Gabby and Casey came home, exhausted. They had back-to-back calls all day. Shift was a nightmare yesterday. As they walked into their kitchen, Gabby went to grab the Tylenol. " My head is killing me." She tells Casey as she opens the bottle.

" Here babe," Casey said as he handed her a bottle of water. " Wonder if squad is still out on that call."

" I didn't see much of Severide all shift," Gabby said as she rubbed her head.

" That was a crazy shift with all the calls, I'm glad to be off the next two days," Casey said, he then noticed the envelope on the counter. " What's this?"

Gabby swallowed the water. " What is it?" she asked as he picked up the envelope.

" It's addressed to you and me." He tells her, giving her a confused look.

" Open it "

Casey opens the letter and starts to read it out loud. " Gabby and Matt, I want to start by saying thank you, for letting me stay and making me feel welcome. I am happy for you guys; you are going to be great parents. That kid is going to be so lucky and blessed. Matt, thank you for making my best friend happy, she deserves to be happy. I'm glad she found you, please continue to make her happy. You guys have a unique love, a love I always wished for. Gabby, I love you never doubt that, and I'm sorry for not saying goodbye. I just couldn't do it. It was easier for me to leave while you guys were on shift. Even though we didn't get to hang that much I did enjoy my time with you. You are and always will be my number one best friend. I am a bit jealous of your life. Maybe if I never left Chicago I'll be as happy as you are. The last twelve years have been hard, I've been through hell and back pretty much. One day I hope to be free of my thoughts and nightmares. I'm sorry I broke my promise, I know I told you I wouldn't hurt Kelly. That wasn't my intention, I didn't plan on him falling for me. Or me falling for him. I just wanted to have fun. But the universe had other plans apparently. He's a great guy. He deserves someone who can give him everything he wants and I'm not that someone. I told him a lot about my past and what I've been through more than I even told my therapist, but the one thing I didn't tell him, and the reason I got upset over your news is I can't have kids, they stole that from me years ago. Kelly deserves someone who can give him a child one day and love him without fear. I'm getting a tad emotional now, so I'm going to end this by saying I love you and please don't come and try to find me. I need some time alone. I promise when I'm ready I'll call you, Take care. Love Stella..."

Gabby was crying and looking at Matt. " I feel like I lost her all over again."

Matt wrapped his arms around her tightly. " I know, it's okay. You didn't lose her."

" I feel like a bad friend announcing my pregnancy and.

" Hey, you didn't know. Don't blame yourself." Matt said as he kissed the top of her head.

" Do you think she let Severide a letter too?" Gabby asked in between sobbing.

" Probably," he tells her, as he hugged her. Gabby cried into his chest. " He's going to be devastated." He said as he thinks about how happy Severide was on shift yesterday telling everyone he was officially off the market.

Kelly came home and went straight to his room, he was exhausted. He was kind of disappointed when he opened his door and his bed was empty. He threw his bag down. And walked over to the guest room. Got even more disappointed when he saw that bed was empty too. He figured she was already up in the kitchen with Gabby. He went back to his room. He wanted to see Stella but was too tired to go back downstairs. So, he sat down on his bed, he kicked his shoes off. And laid his phone on the nightstand. He threw himself back onto the bed. He noticed the envelope and picked it up. He saw his name written across it. He got curious, he sat up and opened it.

" Kelly, I'm sorry for leaving like this, I didn't have the courage to say goodbye in person. Part of me was afraid that I wouldn't want to leave you." He reread that first part three times, and as he connected the dots, she left, she left Chicago without a goodbye. His mind flashed back to yesterday morning before shift, her eyes laced with tears she was telling him goodbye, but he was so happy that he didn't notice. He looked back down at the letter, he started to read the rest.

"You made me feel alive, I felt things with you that I haven't ever felt in my entire life. Six days and I felt like I was falling for you. I opened up to you, more than I've ever opened up to anyone including my therapist. You listened to me, you understood me, and you made me feel heard. There was so much more I wanted to tell you, but the truth is you scare me. I'm terrified of letting you completely in, I'm scared of seeing myself more clearly through your eyes. Wondering if I'm good enough for you. Getting so close to you that I lose you. Something inside of me is broken, I hold on to anything that sets me free. I'm a lost cause so please, don't waste your time on me. I'm not worth it. I'm damaged beyond repair. Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams. For years I've been dying inside little by little, with nowhere to go but going out of my mind in an endless circle running from myself. Till you gave me a reason to stand still. You found a light in me that I couldn't find. A light I didn't even know was there. I'll always be grateful for that. Kelly, one day I hope you will find someone who can love you and treasure you the way you deserve. Move on for me and be happy Kelly, I want that with all my heart. Love Stella."

Kelly sat there speechless, he wasn't expecting her to just up and leave. He crumbed up the letter and threw it across the room. He felt like he was hit by a truck. His chest felt heavy with a crushing sensation within him. He started pacing back and forth. His mind trying to piece together what happened. They were happy at the cabin, they agreed to be together, and they were trying out the whole boyfriend and girlfriend thing. He just told everyone at 51 he was officially in a relationship, and now she's gone. He ran his hand over his head, he was annoyed, angry, and irritated, his emotions were all over the place. He grabbed his phone and called her, it rang twice then straight to voicemail. He called her again, voicemail again. " Damnit" he shouted as He threw his phone against the wall, " she sent me to voicemail." He yelled. Then turned and punched the mirror, and glasses shattered everywhere.

A few minutes later, Casey and Gabby ran upstairs. " Severide what... " Casey said but stopped when he saw the mirror.

" Severide your bleeding," Gabby said, as she went to grab his hand. Blood poured from his knuckles.

" Stop, it's fine. Let it be." He yelled at Gabby and pulled away from her.

" You could have glass in there, let Gabby check Severide." Casey insisted.

" I'm fine, can't feel it anyway I'm too numb to feel anything. "

Casey picked up the pieces of glass. " You could have warned me," Kelly said to Gabby

" Warn you about what?" Gabby asked confusedly.

" I know you knew she was leaving, and you let me tell everyone at the firehouse yesterday that we were officially together and never said I word. You could have warned me. I could have stopped her." His tone was resentful. " Some friend you are."

" I didn't know Severide," Gabby said matching his tone.

" Bull, you knew. "

" I got a letter just like you this morning, I had no idea," Gabby yelled. " Don't start with me."

Kelly shook his head. " Whatever."

" No, it's not whatever, I get your upset, I'm upset too. But don't take your anger out on me." Gabby said, bitterly, as her tears fell.

Kelly ignores her response. " She sent me to voicemail, I fuckin called her, I called her twice, the phone rang twice and she fucking sent me to voicemail." He told them his voice was bitter and cold. " Voicemail she sent me to voicemail " he repeated. " How do you tell someone thank you for helping you find your light again, and then say I hope you find someone who can love you? I did find someone. Someone who made me happy, made me feel things I never felt before, someone who was so broken but yet so beautiful... " He trailed off, his eyes looked so broken.

Casey and Gabby exchanged looks.

"So beautiful, that every time you look at her your knees tremble, your heart just melts, and you know right then and there without any reservations that there is order and meaning to the universe," Kelly tells them, or he was talking to himself. They weren't sure. He sat down on the edge of the bed.

Gabby sat down beside him and started cleaning his hand. " Maybe she'll be back. Maybe she just needed some time alone to process stuff." Casey said.

Gabby looked up at her husband. " I agree, meeting you and her devolvement feelings for you wasn't something she was planning on. And she got scared. Let's give her some time. "

Kelly sighed. " She basically told me don't waste my time on her she's too damaged beyond repair. Told me to move on. " He laughed bitterly. " I don't think she's coming back."

Gabby bit her lip, she too felt the same way. But wanted to stay optimistic. " She will."

" I know it's crazy because I've only known her for six days, to have such a strong connection with her. She touched my life, she's in my dreams, she's all I think about. I always thought I'd stay a single man, living in the moment, never making plans. Fill my loneliness with alcohol, and my nights with different girls. Finding love wasn't in my plans. Funny how when you least expect it everything can change. " He paused and looked down at the floor. "It felt so right when she was in my arms. like she was always supposed to be there. I thought my lonely days were gone. The plans I was making for us, are just down the drain now. "

The room fell silent Kelly staring at the floor, Gabby was holding his hand, not exactly sure what to say because anything she said to him wasn't going to make him feel better. Casey leans up against the door frame, watching his wife and best friend. Millions of things going through his head but not wanting to upset them anymore than they already were so he kept his opinion to himself.

" Gabby?" Kelly said, looking over at her, his voice so fragile.

Gabby looked up at him, her heart breaking seeing the hurt in his eyes. " Yeah."

" What am I supposed to do now?" he asked, as his tears fell. " What do I do with all these feelings I have? " He asked her, he never had feelings like this before. "What if I can't let her go? " he said, as he looked down at the floor. "What if I never get over her? What do I do then?" He whispered the last part. "Maybe I'm not meant to be happy, love just isn't in the cards for me."

Gabby didn't have any answers for him, part of her wanted to say hold on and give Stella time, and the other part wanted to say you do what she asked you to do, you move on. But instead, she just said. " I don't know Severide. I don't know."

The next morning Casey found Gabby sitting outside looking into the distance. " You okay babe"

" Not really, I called Stella." She tells him in a sad hurtful tone.

" You did?" Casey said, in a surprised tone.

" Yeah, but I was sent to voicemail too." She sighed. " Guess, she doesn't want to talk to me either."

Casey sat down beside her, " I'm sorry." He tells her as he squeezes her hand. " She's probably going through the same emotions you and Severide are going through and she just needs time. I think we need to respect her wishes. She'll come around when she's ready."

" Severide is a mess, and it's all my fault." Gabby cries.

" No, it's not, you didn't cause his pain "

" She's my friend and if I didn't invite her here, they would have never met. And he won't be hurting right now."

" You didn't see this coming; no one saw them falling for each other. It's not your fault. "

" It sure feels like it."

Casey gave her a small smile, " I need her number." he tells her.

" Who's?" Gabby asked confusingly

" Stella's, I need her number."

" Babe, she didn't take mine or Severide's calls what makes you think...

" I'm not calling her I'm sending her something," Casey said cutting her off. " Something I think she needs to see."

" What are you sending her?"

" I recorded Severide's little breakdown, she needs to see how broken he is. " Casey tells her, as he shows Gabby the video. " I know if he's this torn up, she has to be too."

Stella lay on her couch watching the candle flicker out in the morning glow. She hasn't moved from her couch since she got home. Yesterday afternoon, she didn't want to move, she didn't want to talk to anyone, she didn't want to read her mail, or water her plants. She just didn't want to do anything. She tried to sleep, but she didn't have the peace to sleep at all. Her mind was on Kelly, and wondering if he was okay, if he hated her. If she would ever see him again. She missed his kisses, his reassurance that everything was going to be okay. Being in his arms, making her feel safe.

He called her last night, and her heart skipped a beat when she saw his name flash across her phone. But she wasn't strong enough to hear his voice without breaking. Her phone rang this morning and she wanted to answer Gabby's call, she wants someone to talk to but she knows Gabby would have told her how Kelly was doing and she didn't want to know. She was scared to know. Especially if he was hurting, she never wanted to be the reason for his pain.

Her head is pounding from all the crying she did last night. She feels incomplete, she feels like a part of her is missing, and she's confused about how someone could touch her so deeply in just six days. You can't fall in love with someone in six days, that's impossible.

She sat up and grabbed her phone "Siri, can someone fall in love in a week?" She knew it was crazy to ask a virtual assistant. But she didn't have anyone else to talk to. It's not like she had friends in New York.

"There is no absolute rule, [Falling in love] can happen instantaneously or take weeks, months, or years! It happens differently for everybody and takes different forms."

Stella's eyes widened as she listened to Siri's response. Her phone dinged. She arched her eyebrow and noticed a new message for an unknown number. She opened it " I'm not trying to hurt you, or make you feel worse than you probably already do. I just think you should see how broken my best friend is, Stella, we didn't really get to know each other, but I know if he's this broken, you're probably in the same boat. I hope you have someone there to help you through this. I will try my best to help Kelly. I know you felt something for him too. "

She swallowed hard before hitting play, her heart literally broke when she saw Kelly's face. She cried as she watched him slowly breaking in front of them, telling them how beautiful she was, and how he was falling in love with her, he cried as he asked Gabby what he was supposed to do now. She stopped the video and laid her phone down. She couldn't watch anymore.

She walked around her small New York apartment. She asked herself why was she so scared of change. She hates it here, she doesn't have any friends no one to talk to anymore, she hasn't had anyone to talk to since Misty died. She smiled as she thought of Misty if she was here right now. She would tell her to take the risk with Kelly, and not let him get away. Go to Chicago and be happy. The most important decision you can make is to follow your heart.

She sighed, as she looked out her window, life is pretty lonely for her, she spends every moment alone. Unless she gets really lonely, she hits up a club so she can find someone to bring home, and not feel lonely for a few hours. But she doesn't want someone to keep her occupied for a few hours. She wants someone she can talk with, laugh with, feel safe with, someone who can make her heart skip just by looking at her.

She picked up her phone and called Kelly but it kept ringing. She waited a few minutes and called again but he didn't answer. She wanted to hear his voice, so she called again, but he still didn't answer. And honestly, she can't blame him.

Gabby and Casey were talking in the kitchen when Severide walked in carrying a bag. " I'm going to New York" he announced as he dropped his bag on the kitchen floor.

" You are?"

" Yep, I have to she needs me."

"Severide... Casey started. but Kelly interrupted him.

" I need her, I want her, I don't want to be here without her. " He paused. " I can't sleep, her smell is all over my bed, her memory is all over my room. Every time I close my eyes I see her, I feel her. She needs me, and I need her."

" Severide, I don't even have her address, how are going to find her?" Gabby asked.

Kelly shrugged. " I don't know, but I will."

" New York City is a big place, you can't just go there without knowing where you're going," Casey told him, not liking the idea of his sudden decision to go after Stella alone.

" The firehouse," Gabby said. Making them both look at her.

" What?" Kelly asked.

" We can probably find the firehouse she is at; they might be able to help us. " Gabby said, in a happy tone.

Kelly nods, " That could work."

" We don't even know which firehouse she is at?" Casey tries to reason with them.

Gabby sighed. " We can call them all."

" Misty," Kelly said. Gabby and Casey give him a crazy look. " Misty is her lieutenant she's the one that convinced Stella to be a firefighter. She will probably help us."

" True," Gabby said as she grabbed her iPad. " I'll Google Firehouses in New York. "

" Casey let me borrow your phone "

" Why?"

" I don't have one right now," he tells them, as he rubbed the back of his neck. " I kind of threw it against the wall yesterday. The screen shattered. "

" Oh," Casey said as he handed him his phone. " Did you book a flight yet?"

"No, I kind of just decided before coming downstairs. " He said, in an unsure tone.

" Okay, there are over two hundred firehouses in New York, so I'll call some, you call some. We can see if Stella Kidd or Misty is working there. " Gabby tells him.

Kelly calls the first number, and Gabby calls the second number. " I'll book a flight for you, " Casey said as he got his laptop.

After about forty-five minutes, Casey had a flight booked for that evening. And Gabby was exhausted from calling over forty firehouses. " I can't believe we haven't found her yet," she said, as she laid her phone down.

Kelly walked back into the kitchen. He looked a little uneasy. " Any luck," Casey asked him.

" Umm... " He sat down on the bar stool. " Yeah, I called Boden and he called his friend in New York, the one that he made when he volunteered to help when 9/11 happened."

" Oh yeah, I forgot about him," Casey said. " So, was he able to help?"

"Yeah, he was a tremendous help." He told them, as he sighed.

Casey looks at Gabby and then back at Severide. " And? Did we find her?" he asked, in a curious tone.

" Yeah, we found her... " He trailed off. He was lost in his thoughts.

" Severide what is it? " Gabby asked, getting concerned. Not liking the look on his face.

Kelly sighed. " Well, you know that Misty woman she talked so highly about?"

" Yeah."

"She died in a gas station explosion almost a year ago." He said as he thinks about all the people Stella has lost in her life. It just seemed unfair to him.

Gabby and Casey were shocked. " She didn't say anything to me," Gabby told him.

" Me either, but that's not all." He paused. " About two months ago, Stella quit, she's not a firefighter anymore. "

" What?" Gabby was shocked. " I can't believe that."

"Me either, but he said that Stella was an amazing firefighter, they had high hopes for her. But she told them she wasn't firefighter material and didn't deserve to be a firefighter anymore." Kelly wasn't sure what to think, he knew something had to happen to make her up and quit out of the blue

Gabby was confused, " She loved being a firefighter. That doesn't make sense."

Kelly looked at her. " Well, I'm going to New York, and I'm bringing her back. There is nothing in New York keeping her there, Misty's gone, she's not a firefighter anymore. "

" But you still don't know where she lives?" Casey told him.

" He gave me an address, the one he had on file. So hopefully she still lives there." Kelly tells them. "I'm going to convince her Chicago is where she needs to be. "

" What if you can't convince her?" Casey asked.

" I'm not leaving New York without her," Kelly tells them in a determined tone.

Stella lay in her bed staring at the ceiling, she hated herself for causing Kelly pain. He never called her back last night so now she knows he hates her, and that thought broke her heart.

She can't sleep, she can't eat, she can't think straight. She can't control her thoughts. Her chest feels heavy, her head hurts, her eyes are swollen, and she feels trapped. Last week in Chicago she felt the weight of her world being lifted off her, now back home the weight is back heavier now, and the guilt is back too.

" Kelly, could never truly love me if he knew the truth, the whole truth. " She said to herself. She curled up in a ball and cried again. She wants to be free, free of stress, free of guilt, free of feeling worthless, free of feeling ashamed, she wants to go back to fifteen and start all over. She wants to just be happy... " Why can't I just be happy?" She whispered while looking at a picture of her mom by her bed. " I wish you were still here."

A few hours later her doorbell rang. She slowly got up out of bed. She sighed as she ran her fingers through her hair. She ordered a pizza, and even though she doesn't have an appetite she knows she needs to eat something she has eaten in close to three days. And she doesn't have any food in her apartment, she can't recall the last time she went to the grocery store. She's been living off coffee, chocolate, and wine for the past few weeks before she went to Chicago. She wasn't planning on coming back home.

She grabbed her taser and walked towards the door. She lives in a nice neighborhood but she doesn't trust anyone so she keeps a Taser with her at all times. She looks out the peephole. And pulls back suddenly, she wipes her eyes, she looks again out the peephole. Her eyes widen, her mind is playing tricks on her. She's hallucinating. She shakes her head and looks again. She must be really tired. She takes a deep breath and calms herself down. She thinks she's going crazy, there was no way Kelly was at her door, she is missing him so much that she is now seeing him. " Get yourself together Stella." She tells herself. Before opening the door. Her heart stopped as their eyes locked. " Kelly." She whispered, still not believing her eyes.

" Hey Stella," he said, as he stood there with his hands in his pockets.

" What are you doing here?" She asked, still not sure if she was dreaming or if she was going crazy.

He smiled at her. " I'm here for you, I'm taking you back to Chicago where you belong."