Chapter 11

Kelly couldn't believe she blamed herself for Misty's death too. She carries a lot of guilt around with her. She blames herself for everything that's happened to her throughout her life. He held her closer as she cried into his chest. He stroked her hair. "Stella, it's not your fault; nothing that you've been through is your fault." He said he was trying to reassure her. "Someway, somehow, I'm going to convince you it's not your fault."

Stella closed her eyes, listening to his voice and hearing his heartbeat. She wishes she could believe him, but she knows that if it weren't for her, Stacy would be alive, Devin would be alive, and Misty would be alive. "You know I go through these phases, and I need you to know that when I go through one of my phases, I shut down and push people away." She paused. As she looked up at Kelly. "I am good for a while. I'll talk more, laugh more, sleep more, and eat normally. But then something happens, and all I am left with is the darkness of my mind. But each time it seems like I sink deeper and deeper, and I am scared."

Kelly cupped her face. "Scared of what?"

"I'm terrified that one day I won't make it back up. I feel like I am gasping for air. Screaming for help. Like a switch turns off somewhere, and I'm taken back in time to what they did to me. Like I'm that sixteen-year-old prisoner again. That's what happened... " She trailed off.

Kelly was very confused. "What do you mean that's what happened? What happened?"

"I was going through one of my down phases, around the time Misty died. What you read in that article is true, but it's missing the part of how Misty got there."

"So, tell me how Misty got there."

"I was standing inches away from the fire; the flames were getting bigger and hotter. I walked closer to the fire, and I saw my mom. I mean, I was hallucinating when I saw my mom. I guess—I don't know—my mind was playing tricks on me. I guess you could say she was telling me to come with her; it was time to let go. I heard someone yell my name, but I didn't care; I didn't stop. I kept getting closer and closer to the fire. I'm not sure what happened next; I just remember someone or something pushing me hard, and I hit the side of the building. Then, five seconds later, an explosion happened. I hit my head pretty hard and was taken to the hospital. It wasn't till the next day that I found out Misty had died, pushing me out of the way. She lost her life because I was ready to die."

Kelly's heart was breaking. He hated it when she talked about wanting to die.

"She sacrificed her life for my pointless life." She said, in a nonchalant tone.

"Your life's not pointless. Stella, your life has a purpose. I know you have been through some horrible things, things you didn't deserve; no one deserves what you went through." He cupped her face. "Stella, listen to me. What happened to you? We will never know or understand why it happened, but I believe that you survived it for a reason." He took a deep breath. "I know that the emotional and psychological trauma you went through shattered your sense of security, making you feel helpless in a dangerous world. It left you struggling with upsetting emotions, memories, and anxiety that won't go away. It also left you feeling numb, disconnected, and unable to trust other people. "

Stella couldn't believe he was pretty much describing how she felt, especially during her depression phases. Not even Misty connected with her on that level. She remembers reading a quote from an article she was reading a while ago. It said some people are soul medicine in the way they love you, support you, and believe in you. Maybe Kelly is her soul medicine if that's even such a thing. She bites her bottom lip as he rests his head on her forehead.

"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. Anything human is mentionable, and anything mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. I want you to tell me everything, even when you're going through your phases, even if it's something you think I can't handle or something you think will chase me away. I want to be the person you tell everything to," he said. "Stella, I'm not going anywhere. And I will never stop telling you that it's not your fault; none of what happened to you is your fault. And what happened to Misty, Devin, Stacy, or your aunt is not your fault. "

Stella closed her eyes for a moment. "Kelly, it is my fault; if I was never friends with Stacy and never brought her around Sonny and his friends, then nothing would have happened to her, and she would probably be alive today, and Devin, even though it was a car accident, and I honestly don't exactly know what happened because I was too fucked up on cocaine and all that other crap to remember. I know it's my fault; his mom said it was my fault. The accident happened on the street that I was staying on at the time, so he apparently was there to see me if it wasn't for me, and he wasn't trying to save me like he always did; he'll probably still be alive today too." She pulled away from him. And ran her fingers through her hair.

Kelly watched as she walked around in circles. He knows there's a chance she's going to always carry the guilt with her; she's never going to truly believe that it's not her fault. But that doesn't mean he's going to give up trying to convince her otherwise.

She stopped walking and looked at him. She crossed her arms over her chest. "And for the record, I don't have any guilt for my aunt's death. I carry a lot of guilt with me for my innocent friends losing their lives, and I'm going to carry that guilt with me for the rest of my life for them. I don't carry it for her; she played a big role in what happened to me; she helped them rape me. She never said she was sorry or tried to stop them. She allowed them to hurt me repeatedly. And maybe I'm wrong for feeling that way, but I honestly don't give a damn if she loved me like she claims she did; she would have never let them do anything to me; she would have protected me like she promised my mom she would. "

Kelly walked over to her and said, "I don't think you're wrong for feeling that way. She was your guardian; she was the one that was supposed to protect you from harm and not allow it to happen, so it makes perfect sense for you not to carry guilt for what happened to her; she made her bed."

Stella gave him a small smile and grabbed his hands. She led him back over to the couch. They sat down, and she curled into his side as he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. She laid her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. "My guilt for Misty is always going to be there if I don't zone out, if I don't have the urge to just walk into that fire, wanting to die. Misty wouldn't have come and knocked me out of the way. She would still be here. I wish that one day I could be completely guilt-free, but that's not going to happen."

Kelly kissed the top of her head.

"I will probably always carry the guilt of three innocent people dying because they knew me. I appreciate you wanting to help me come to the realization that it's not my fault. And maybe one day in the far future I will have a different view on each situation, but for right now I have made peace with accepting my fault in their deaths. And nothing you say to me is going to make me change how I feel, at least not at this point in my life."

Kelly let her words sink in for a moment. "I accept that." He tells her, as he lifts her chin so she is looking into his eyes. "And I appreciate the honesty."

"You should have been a therapist, not a firefighter," she jokes. "Or maybe like half a therapist, half a firefighter, or a firefighter therapist, you know, something along the line." She laughs at his confused look.

Kelly arched his eyebrow. "No, I'm just a firefighter, and I want to stay just a firefighter."

Stella smiled. "You're easier to talk to than my therapist, whom I have had for like 10 years."

"Well," he begins as he runs his thumb against her lips. "I'll keep my firefighter job because I love being a firefighter, but when it comes to you, I'll be your therapist; you'll be my only client."

"I like that." She tells him as she pecks his thumb. He leans down and kisses her softly; the kiss lasts a few minutes. "I'm really happy you're here." She tells him as the kiss breaks.

"Me too," he replied.

"About," she said as she thought about something. "I think it was three years ago that my therapist suggested I write a letter to Sonny and send it to the prison he was in."

"Did you?" he asked curiously.

"I did; it was the hardest thing I've ever had to write; it was about four or five pages long, front and back."

" Wow! That's a lot."

Stella shrugs. "First, it took me like possibly a month, to even write down the first line in the letter. I thought maybe paragraph that's all I'm going to write, it's all he deserves from me, nothing more." She laid her head back against the couch. "But once I got into the letter and I started to write down how I was feeling about everything from the first time I met him to the first time he touched me, the words came out easily; it was therapeutic for me to write it all out like that. I was finally able to tell him what I thought of him, what he did to me, how he hurt me, how he ruined me—things that I've wanted to say to him since I was 16—and I felt so relieved afterward. I mailed it to him, and he responded."

Kelly studied her face; he could tell whatever his reply was, wasn't what she was hoping for. "What did he say?"

She laughed sarcastically. "Pretty much what he always said to me, what my aunt said to me He said it was all my fault; I made him do that stuff to me because I was so beautiful and so sexy and curvy, and my body asked to be pleased; he was just answering the call. " She closed her eyes. Kelly kissed her forehead. "He never even mentioned the babies that he killed; he never said he was sorry; he had no sympathy, no guilt, no remorse, nothing. He kept repeating over and over in the letter, "It was my fault, all my fault; he played no fault in what he did."

She snuggled closer to him, her head lying on his chest. She looked down at his chest. "For a long time, I believed it was my fault. I did something that made him do what he did to me. You know, like I dressed too slutty, I flirted too much, I was too caring, too open, too trusting, etc. To be native, I allowed him to do things to me," she said, as she drew imaginary circles on his chest.

He rubbed her back smoothly, trying to comfort her. "No, it wasn't your fault, Stella; you didn't do anything, sweetheart; he was in the wrong; what he did to you was wrong, not just because of your age, which is a big factor, but because it's never okay to do what he did. I don't care how old you are, what you wear, what you say, or what you do. If you were too trusting or native, that doesn't give him the right to put his hands on you. Rape is never okay, no matter the situation."

"I know now that it wasn't my fault; it took me a while to finally accept it."

Kelly kissed the top of her head and rested his chin on her head. What he would do for five minutes alone in Sonny's prison cell He hated that bastard for what he did to her and what he took from her.

"The therapist said that Sonny didn't show any empathy because she believed he had an antisocial personality disorder."

Kelly arched her eyebrow; he had never heard of that. "What exactly is that?"

"It's a disorder that some people have. Antisocial personality people go after what they want without considering the consequences for themselves or others and without feeling any remorse or guilt, including disregard for consequences and for the rights of others, and use deceit and manipulation to get what they want."

Kelly had never heard of anyone with that disorder before. "I don't give a damn what he supposedly has, what they claim he could have been diagnosed with, and all that bullshit. What he did to you was wrong, regardless of what his diagnosis is."

Stella smiled; he had the same reaction that she had when her therapist was telling her what Sonny could have. It was pure bullshit to her too. " My therapist said people with an antisocial personality disorder may commit unlawful, deceitful, exploitative, and reckless acts for personal profit or pleasure and without remorse. I felt like she was making an excuse for what he did like she was taking his side. You know, he couldn't control himself because he has this disorder."

"Do you still see your therapist?"

"No, I quit after she told me about the disorder. I felt like it was pointless for me to continue to go back to her, like she wasn't understanding me; she wasn't connecting with me; she was connecting more with Sonny's side than mine. You know your therapist is supposed to be someone that you trust, someone that you feel comfortable with, and someone that is easy to talk to. I didn't feel anything like that with her, even though I've seen her for almost 10 years. I've told you more about what I was truly feeling than I did her in the 10 years I went to her."

Kelly smiled at her words: "I'm glad you chose me to open up to."

She looked up at him. "Like I said, you're really easy to talk to; you make me feel safe. I feel comfortable with you."

Kelly leaned down and kissed her lips. Their kiss deepened. Stella moved to straddle his lap. He pulls her closer as they continue to kiss. "Did you make out with your therapist like this after every session?" Kelly asked in a teasing tone.

Stella laughed. "No, she probably wished, though." She tells him as she kisses his neck. "You are the only one who gets the pleasure of my kisses."

"That makes me happy," Kelly replied as he closed his eyes, clearly enjoying her lips on his neck.

"We should take this to my bedroom." She said in between kisses on his neck, jaw, and ears.

Kelly moans Yes, he most definitely wanted to continue this, but he also wanted to finish talking. "I would love that, but first, can I ask you something?"

Stella pulled back and looked at him. "Sure, ask me anything." She said it with a huge grin. She played with his ears.

"I know you are telling me things at your pace, and I respect that, but I'm just curious about something." He watches as she gives him a confused look.

Stella swallowed hard. A part of her knew what he was about to ask. "I told you to ask me anything. I want to be an open book to you; I want you to know everything, and technically, I told you pretty much everything that has happened except a couple of things. So, I think I know what you're about to ask me." She paused, "So ask me already."

Kelly could tell she was nervous, but his curiosity wouldn't go away. "I'm just curious: Why did you quit being a firefighter? Was it because you lost Misty? Was that what made you walk away? If that's the reason I understand, it's hard losing somebody you love, someone that you looked up to, someone that changed your whole life and made you the person you are today."

Stella's eyes filled with tears. "Losing Misty, it hit me hard; it was one of those unexpected life tragedies. And like I said earlier, her death is something I'm going to carry with me for the rest of my life. The guilt will always be with me." She paused and removed herself from his lap. "To answer your question, no, her death is not the reason I walked away from being a firefighter."

Kelly's eyes widened; he thought Misty was the reason. "So, what happened? Why aren't you a firefighter anymore?"

Stella closed her eyes. She knows she told him she wants to be honest with him and wants him to know everything; she does, but this was the hard part. This is the part she is more scared to tell him about. He's told her over and over that he's not going anywhere, and she wants to believe him; she really does. But what she's about to tell him is going to change his whole view of her; he's going to see her in a different light and probably walk away from her. She broke a firefighter code, and being the respectful lieutenant that he is, he's not going to be able to look past it, what she did. The line crossed that day can never be uncrossed. She can't go back and fix it. She can't make it right. What's done is done. There's no going back on the crime that she committed.

Kelly's curiosity grew as he watched her battle within herself. Whatever caused her to walk away from a job that she loved more than anything else had to be something big.

She stood up and walked over to her favorite window. Her tears started falling; she didn't want him to see her crying. Even though he's seen her cry more in the short time she's known him than anyone in her entire life, this time is different; this time, he was not going to want to wipe her tears away. He's going to see what kind of person she truly is. and all those words he said won't matter, and all those promises he made to her are just going to go away because there's no way he's going to be able to forgive her for what she did. What she did is unforgivable, at least in his eyes and anyone else's that happens to find out the truth. She carries a lot of guilt with her for what happened to her, for what happened to her innocent friends, and for what happened to Misty. But she is guilt-free for what she did; a lot of people would tell her she should feel guilty and have trouble sleeping at night. What she did should always be on her mind, but it's not. She's happy it happened, and if she's honest with herself, if she were faced with that situation again, she wouldn't change a thing.

"Stella," Kelly said as he slowly walked over towards her. "Hey babe." He turned her around to face him. His heart broke as he saw her tears. "Hey, it's okay; you don't have to tell me. Sometimes my curiosity gets the best of me, but you don't have to tell me, and I will never ask again, I promise." He tells her as he wipes her tears away.

She closes her eyes for a second, and part of her wants to say okay and never bring it up again. She wants to stay in this moment with him, where she's happy, safe, and excited about her future with him. But her other part wants to be completely honest with him. Her mom always said honesty was the best policy. She doesn't want to keep anything from him; she wants him to know her better than anyone's ever known her. She doesn't want to keep any secrets. Because secrets can ruin whatever they build together, she doesn't want to look back years from now and the secret comes out and changes everything for them. "No, Kelly, I want you to know; I need you to know. I meant what I said: for me to connect to you and to have a real relationship with you. You have to know the truth; I'm just scared of your reaction."

He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer. "And I meant what I said: I'm not going anywhere; there's nothing you can say or do that's going to convince me to give up on you. We all have a past. We have all done things in the past that we were not proud of. We have all done things that we wish we could go back to and change. To me, the past is the past, and what happens in the past should stay in the past. So please believe me, whatever it is. I'm not going to judge you, and I'm not going to walk away. You're stuck with me."

Stella gave him a hopeful smile. "Well, let's hope you still feel that way. After I tell you the reason, I'm no longer a firefighter and never will be again," His voice is laced with so much sadness.

Kelly hears the sadness in her voice. "Babe, whatever the reason is, it shouldn't stop you from doing something that you love. You love being a firefighter. You can come to Chicago and be a firefighter at 51. Casey is holding a spot for you."

"He is?" Stella asked in a surprised tone.

"Yeah, I was hoping to come here and convince you to come back to Chicago with me and be a firefighter again. If that's what you want." His voice is full of hope.

Stella gave him a warm-hearted smile and said, "I do miss being a firefighter. I miss it a lot." She took a deep breath. And shook her head. "But I can't be a firefighter again, and I accept that already."

"Stella, just because you quit doesn't mean you can't go back; you...

"Stop Kelly." She said it in a louder tone than she intended to as she interrupted him. "I am no longer a firefighter, and it doesn't matter if I still want to be or not. I can never be a firefighter again."

" Stella..." Kelly began but was cut off by Stella's lips capturing his. She kisses him hard and passionately. He's surprised but doesn't stop it; he would never stop her from kissing him; he's addicted to her. "What was that for?" he asked with a captivated smile after the kiss broke.

Stella caresses his face softly. God, she loved his smile. "I just wanted to kiss you one last time before I crush you with what I have to tell you." Her voice is out of sorts. "I did something unforgivable, something that I should be locked up for." She watches the confusion on his face turn into a look of disbelief, and she can tell he's about to say something. She knows she needs to quickly say what she wants to tell him while she has the nerve. "I killed someone..." she said, in a low tone, but he hears her, and he wished he didn't.

Kelly pulled back from her, giving her a questionable look. The look of horror and heartbreak echoed on his face. " I..." He started but didn't have the words; he was speechless.

Stella looked down at the floor, and spoke words she's never said out loud before. "I killed Paul, and I don't regret it."