Love?

Yeah. Funny. Killua is laughing so fucking hard right now.

Love was dead.

The sheer amount of embarrassment that Killua was feeling is impossible to put into words. He had never felt so ashamed in his entire life. He wanted to crawl up and die, but he also wanted to crawl up and cry.

Because now, no matter what he could have tried or what excuses he could have made, his friendship with Gon was destroyed.

Gone.

Fucking wasted.

All because I was stupid enough to kiss him…

All because I was stupid enough to believe that he liked me back.

Fuck, I hate myself so much right now.

When Killua woke up the next morning - the morning after he'd made a fool of himself, kissed Gon, and lost his one and only best friend - his phone was swamped with more notifications than he knew were possible.

All of them were from Gon.

Killua cringed so hard that his neck sparked with pain. He chucked his phone across the room from where he'd been leaning over to grab it off his nightstand, and then flung himself back under his mountain of emotional support blankets. Unfortunately, though, no number of emotional support blankets could fix the enormous hole that Killua had dug himself into.

Forty three missed calls.

Seventy six unread text messages.

Twenty nine unopened Snaps.

Fifteen Instagram dms.

Even a couple of Tik Tok messages.

All of them from Gon.

Killua groaned, though it sounded more like a broken sob. His face was burning, and his eyes were starting to well up with tears again. He'd cried the entire Uber ride home - and made his poor driver real fucking uncomfortable at that - hadn't he cried himself out yet?!

No, apparently not.

Because no amount of grieving would ever prepare Killua for what he was about to lose…

He'd never see Gon's beautiful smile, hear his laughter, or watch him dodge cracks in the sidewalk ever again. He'd never see Gon ever again. Killua had ruined fucking everything, and now he was going to have to learn to live without the love and light of his life.

Killua buried his face in his pillow and squeezed his eyes shut tight.

He really didn't want to be awake right now…

…

Killua woke up with a start.

"Fuck!" he gasped, flinging his blankets off of his body and launching across the room to hunt for his phone. He found it and flicked on the screen–

9:34.

He was due at work at 10:00, and it would take twenty minutes to make the drive.

God fucking dammit.

"I can't believe I fell back asleep," Killua hissed to himself. He winced when his brain registered all the notifications from Gon. Now there were eighty three missed calls… Make that eighty four.

Killua's throat thickened.

"Shit," he whispered.

With shaking fingers, Killua unlocked his phone. He navigated to his contacts…

And he blocked Gon's number.

Tears plopped onto his screen. Fuck, he was being so stupidly dramatic right now. Why the hell was he crying this much?! Killua blocked Gon on every social media platform he had, dismissing all of those notifications and shoving all of his problems under a rug.

I can't talk to Gon right now.

I don't know what the fuck I'd do, let along what the fuck I'd say. I can't see him after something like that. I just need to… calm down. We'll never be the same again, so I might as well go ahead and rip the bandaid off.

Killua had never imagined that getting rejected would hurt this bad. It was like he'd been turned inside out, shot up like a target dummy, and left to bleed out naked in the streets. Even so much as thinking of Gon sent a shiver of embarrassment up Killua's spine. His face had been flushed with shame nonstop since he'd run out of Gon's apartment in the middle of the night…

If Killua saw Gon, he'd fall apart. He'd either break down crying or completely freeze up with embarrassment. The only option was to hide from Gon, because he couldn't imagine what Gon would say if he got back in touch with him.

What would he do, the fuck would he say?!

Was he disgusted right now? Would he ask if Killua had been joking? Or worse… would he tell Killua that he understood his feelings, but only liked him as a friend? Would Killua get the friend-zone speech?! He couldn't handle something like that.

Maybe he would have been okay a couple weeks earlier, but not now. Not now that he loved Gon this much. The knowledge that he'd destroyed their relationship burned like fire in Killua's mind. He'd never known just how much he'd loved that idiot… not until he'd gone and fucked it all up.

He got ready for work in a rush. He couldn't afford to be late, he needed the hours if he wanted to have the money to fucking live over the course of the upcoming semester. Fuck, the last thing Killua wanted to think about right now was classes. And they'd be starting back up within a couple of weeks, wouldn't they?

Thinking about the end of the break was making Killua even sadder… All this shit with Gon had happened over the course of winter break. Once it was over, it would be official. Him and Gon? It would be nothing more than a distant memory.

Killua made it into work right as the clock hit ten. His hair was unbrushed and messy, his face blotchy from all the crying, and the bags under his eyes made him look like some sort of fucking racoon. All paired with his facial expression, that dared anyone to approach him. He fucking dared them.

If anyone so much as said one measly word to him then Killua was going to rip their head off.

Killua stormed through the door into Beanz right as Ikalgo was flipping the open sign. The shorter male startled when Killua burst through the door like Dracula, hat pulled low over his eyes as he awkwardly tied his apron around his waist while he walked.

"Hey!-" Ikalgo quickly caught onto Killua's mood, and shut up. His face morphed into one of concern, but the silver haired boy was gone too fast for him to ask what was wrong.

Killua walked past the counter without so much as looking to see who he'd be working with, and shouldered through the door to the back to clock in. He scanned his thumb print right at ten. He could feel Leorio and Zepile's questioning eyes, but he ignored them.

With a shuddering sigh, Killua turned on his heel and headed for the front of the house. He didn't care if he was assigned to work the front counter, he was going to work the drive and no one was going to fucking stop him.

Killua headed for the drive through with his hat angled low over his eyes. It was a Saturday, which meant they'd be busy as all hell. That also meant that they'd have all hands on deck to deal with the constant influx of customers. Ikalgo, Chrollo, Palm, Shoot, Kurapika, everyone. Just fucking great, Killua really did not want to deal with the entire crew but the universe was making it clear that it hated Killua with a burning passion.

"Hey, bestie!" Chrollo greeted as Killua marched for the drive. "How was–"

Killua snatched the headset right off his head and retreated into the corner with Shoot, who startled when he appeared out of nowhere looking like he'd just killed someone in the parking lot.

"Uh…"

"Just let him be," Ikalgo whispered, bumping Chrollo in the arm. The two gazed over at Killua, who was brooding in the drive through and begging for a customer to come so he could be distracted from the shit hole his life had become.

Shoot, Killua's unfortunate drive buddy, looked like he genuinely feared for his life. The guy's hand drifted subconsciously to his pink pony tail, his eyes darting nervously from Killua to the floor and back. The guys all took the message and left Killua the fuck alone.

Palm on the other hand…

Killua called her a stupid hoe for a reason, he'll leave it at that.

"What's with the face, Zol-dicks?" she asked, waltzing over to stand beside Killua. Uncomfortably close. Close enough that their arms brushed. Asshole. "Did you commit a murder?"

"Shut up, Palm," Killua said through gritted teeth.

Shoot audibly swallowed.

Palm just rolled her eyes and reached over to flick the bill of Killua's hat. "Don't just walk in here all negative and crap," she scolded. "The least you can do is tell us what the fuck is wrong."

"Did something happen?" Ikalgo asked slowly.

"Do you need to talk to Kurapika or…?" Chrollo trailed off, clearly ready to run off and grab their work mother.

"It's nothing," Killua said. He didn't want to talk about it. If he ignored all of this and bottled up all these emotions, then it would be a lot easier to move on. He needed to start forgetting about Gon now, because there was no way in fucking hell that he was confronting this mess he'd gotten himself into.

"Killua? You look upset," Zepile said. He and Leorio were leaning out the doorway to the back of the house, like bloodhounds on the trail.

"I said it was nothing!" Killua said in exasperation. "Just leave it a–"

"-Leorio!"

All of the blood drained from Killua's face. That was Gon's voice.

Leorio perked up and glanced towards the counter. "Gon?" he asked.

Once again, Gon was fucking materializing at the worst possible second.

"Shit," Killua hissed. Chrollo, Palm, and Ikalgo fixed him with curious glances. They were onto him.

"Leorio!" Gon panted, stumbling up to the counter. Killua could see him from his hiding place in the drive through, he looked totally out of breath. Like he'd been running all fucking morning. "Is Killua here?!" the raven demanded, his hands white knuckled where they gripped the counter.

"Killua?" Leorio blinked. "Well he's–"

"Mother fucker," Killua cursed. He acted immediately, flinging the drive open and diving head first out the window a split second before Gon leaned over the counter to check the drive through. Killua grunted as he tumbled across the asphalt outside the drive through window, he clutched his head and quickly hit the wall to make sure that Gon didn't catch sight of his silvery hair.

A worker from the sushi shop next door was looking at him like he had two heads. Killua flipped him off.

"What the hell," Killua whined. He buried his face in his knees, shivering in the cold. Snow still coated the city in a white sheet, and Killua's pants grew uncomfortably wet as they soaked up the puddle slush he was sitting in.

Why was Gon here?! Hadn't he called enough fucking times to know that Killua didn't want to talk to him?! Yet here he was, showing up at Killua's place of work as if he didn't have enough problems already–

The drive window flung open, revealing Chrollo and Palm. "Killua, he's going around to check the outside!" Chrollo exclaimed.

Killua startled and lurched to his feet. Chrollo and Palm held their hands out and tugged him back in the window, where he tumbled to the floor in a heap and hunkered down under the sill to hide from Gon as he jogged around the perimeter of the building on a hunt for Killua.

"He didn't believe us when we told him you weren't here," Palm explained, sounding annoyed.

"Typical," Killua muttered, his heart racing and face flaming. His stomach was acting a damn fool. He couldn't tell if he was going to hurl his guts up or spew his organs out his belly button like a fucking pressurized hose. "Is he gone yet?"

"Yeah, he's probably left by now. He's gonna check your apartment next," Ikalgo said.

"What the fuckkkk," Killua whined, dragging his hands down his face.

"What the fuck is right," Palm snapped. "You gonna tell us what the hell is going on?!"

"Yeah, what happened to you guys sucking each other's dicks?!" Chrollo demanded.

Killua sputtered, "What?! Where'd you get that idea?!"

"That's not the point," Ikalgo huffed. He dropped to the ground and sat before Killua. "Tell us what happened! You were so excited yesterday, what went wrong?"

"What didn't go wrong?" Killua mumbled.

Everyone dropped to the floor and huddled around Killua like it was fucking rug time in elementary school. Leorio, Zepile, Meleoron, and Kurapika (the nosy assholes) drifted from the back of the house to join the crowd around Killua. They stood behind the others, expressions of concern on their faces as they waited to hear what their crew was flipping out over this time.

"Killua," Palm said, her voice having lost its usual bitchy edge. "What happened between you and Gon?"

The silver haired boy sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose. There was no getting out of this one… he was going to have to confront his problems. His coworkers were too invested to let him compartmentalize in peace.

"Well…"

Everyone leaned in closer.

"A lot of fucking shit happened. Me and Gon went to Target yesterday to get Christmas decorations for his and Zushi's apartment," Killua began. "It was really fun like always, and I even convinced him to get coffee with me afterwards. While we were at Starbucks we happened across the topic of my gayness, and I finally got an opening to ask Gon if he's gay or not."

"He said yes," Leorio said, sounding very confident in himself.

Killua glared at him before continuing. "He said that he didn't know."

"Damn it," Leorio muttered under his breath… before solemnly passing Kurapika a twenty.

Killua rolled his eyes. "Yeah, he doesn't know if he's gay or not. He's still trying to figure that out, and I was all supportive and junk because I'm nice like that."

"Of course," Ikalgo agreed.

"So we know that he's not straight!" Chrollo declared, slapping a fist against his hand. "That's good, right?"

Killua nodded, "Yeah, in theory."

"Doesn't surprise me," Palm muttered. "Straight guys don't make out naked with other dudes on bathroom counters."

"Tell me about it," Killua grumbled. "I was feeling all sure of myself after Gon told me this, and I was relieved that he finally knew that I was gay."

"'Finally?'" Kurapika asked disbelievingly.

"Oh shut up!" Killua snapped. "While we were leaving Target we ran into some people in the parking lot, and I immediately knew who they were because–" Killua cut off. Damn it… he'd never actually told his coworkers about the fact that he'd kissed Gon drunk. "Because I, like, recognized them or whatever."

"Are we missing something here, or?" Palm prompted with a raised eyebrow.

Killua's face stained red. "I knew Gon a while before Alluka introduced me, because he kissed me drunk under a mistletoe at Ikalgo's party." He braced himself for the impending disaster.

Zepile passed Kurapika a five.

"Oh yeah, we already knew about that," Ikalgo said with a flap of his hand.

"It was the blonde chick you recognized, right?" Chrollo asked.

Consider Killua dumbfounded. "Wait, what?! How do you guys already know about–"

"Alluka told us," Palm said.

"Alluka…" Killua's jaw dropped. "Fucking traitor," he hissed. Stupid Alluka! "So you guys knew that entire fucking time?!"

"Yeah," Ikalgo snorted. "Zepile bet that you'd never tell us, but Kurapika said that you'd be forced to cough up the goods eventually!"

Kurapika waved the five in their hand.

Killua cursed under his breath. "I fucking hate you guys."

"We know we know, just tell us what happened!" Meleoron demanded.

"Fine, whatever, it's not like my privacy is important in any way or form," Killua huffed. The others just waited for him to continue his tale. Nosey assholes. "Well blondey's name is Zazan and she's the only person aside from me that knows about Gon having kissed me at Ikalgo's party. And of course the second she saw me she fucking recognized me."

"She didn't bring it up, did she?" Chrollo asked, looking concerned.

"She brought it up."

"Damn it," Chrollo muttered, begrudgingly passing Kurapika a ten. The blonde took it with a smirk.

"What did Gon say?" Shoot asked, biting his thumb nail and hanging off Killua's every word. He hadn't been involved in any of this drama from the start yet here he was, salivating over the disaster that Killua's life had become.

"Zazan was in the middle of saying that I was the guy Gon kissed at Ikalgo's party, but Gon interrupted her," Killua explained. "...He… he asked what Zazan was talking about, and said that he'd never kissed me before."

"What?!" was the collective response.

Killua rested his chin on his hand and waited for the news to settle.

"But what about Alluka's bathroom?!" Leorio demanded.

"And my Tik Tok video?!" Palm added. "It's right here, I'll fucking pull it up–"

"-Please don't do that," Killua ordered. "And I'm just as fucking confused as you guys are, because even though he doesn't know about the party he damn well knows about all the other fucking times! But he denied it, and told Zazan that I was his friend, and 'not to make it weird.'"

"Oof," Ikalgo said sadly.

"That hurts," Meleoron agreed.

"I know, I was there," Killua complained. "I totally freaked the fuck out, I had been fully dedicated to making a move on him and if Zazan hadn't shown up than I would have fucking died! But then Zazan started teasing Gon about being embarassed, and he started blushing like crazy before grabbing me and getting the fuck out of there. So I was super confused because I couldn't tell if he was homophobic or gay panicking."

"This boy needs to get his shit together," Kurapika muttered.

"Tell me about it, he got me totally fooled! I convinced myself that his reaction to Zazan's comment was nothing, and we both acted like none of that had happened. We hung out at his apartment for hours, and it was so fun. It was just like it always had been, and I forgot about everything that had happened in the parking lot. We decorated the tree together, and I got all caught up in the moment. I… I kissed Gon, and he looked so… so… it was bad. I ran off and I haven't seen him or spoken to him since."

Killua's coworkers blinked.

"So… you kissed Gon?" Kurapika clarified.

Killua nodded, his eyes starting to well with tears of mortification as he replayed that horrible moment once again.

Zepile, Leorio, Palm, Chrollo, Meleoron, and Ikalgo each passed Kurapika a twenty.

"What– just how much have you guys been betting on this?!" Killua sputtered, effectively ticked off.

"Enough to make bank," Kurapika responded smoothly, fanning themselves with a fat stack of cash freshly lifted off their foolish coworkers.

"Kurapika's a fucking witch," Chrollo muttered, glancing over his shoulder at the blonde in suspicion.

The menace just grinned and waved.

The crowd on the floor recoiled in fear, and that was where Killua had to draw the line.

"Hey, stop turning my suffering into monetary gain!" he yelled.

"Business is business," Kurapika replied.

Killua flipped them off. "You guys are supposed to be my emotional support system," he complained, "Now emotionally support me!"

"Aww, poor bestie," Chrollo pouted, scooting across the floor to flop against Killua. "We didn't think you'd be brave enough to kiss Gon! Sorry it turned out all sucky like that, bro." He patted Killua on the head.

Ikalgo launched himself into Killua's lap. "Don't worry, you don't need Gon! You've got the coffee squad! We'll get revenge, just you wait! Palm can curse him with black magic!"

"I'm a medium, not a demon," Palm huffed with a flip of her hair… though she crawled over to Killua's side as well. She slapped him roughly across the back in her own… "comforting" way. "It's okay, baby. I'll shit on his doorstep for you."

Killua stifled his laughter with a hand, "No, don't do anything like that. I don't want you guys being mean to Gon or anything."

"I don't care what you say, I'm spitting in his coffee," Chrollo grumbled.

"Please don't," Killua sighed.

"How come?" Chrollo asked.

"Yeah, since when does Killua Zoldyck turn down an opportunity to exact revenge?!" Ikalog gasped.

"Since I fell in love with a fucking idiot," Killua choked out, wipping his eyes with his fingers.

"Awww, he's crying," Palm pouted.

"Bitch," Killua snapped.

"Shhhh, it's okay, cry into my bosom," she whispered.

"Ew, fucking gross!" Killua gagged violently and lurched out of the dogpile on the floor. Palm cackled as he ran to hide behind Kurapika. Crying was effectively driven off with pitchforks and torches.

"I'm glad you're feeling better, child," his work mother said. Kurapika rested a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry things turned out this way. Gon seemed like such a nice guy."

"Yeah, he did!" Leorio spat, crossing his arms in a huff. "I refuse to believe that he's homophobic!"

"What else would that reaction mean, then?" Killua demanded. "You should have seen the look on his face! He looked horrified! Fuck, does anyone have some bleach? I think I'll chug it real fast–"

"-Don't do that," Kurapika scolded.

"I'll take the bleach with you," Chrollo declared loyally.

"Me too, I've been searching for someone to commit triple suicide with!" Ikalgo cackled.

"Don't joke about that, it's not funny," Shoot complained, pulling at his hair.

"And you thought I was joking," Killua laughed.

Kurapika slapped him upside the head.

"Ow, god, sorry," he muttered.

"You should have seen the look on Gon's face just now," Zepile said. "He's clearly just as distressed about this as you are."

"Yeah, of course he is, his supposed best friend just kissed him!" Killua snapped. "That's not a very best friend thing to do!"

"He's looking for you like crazy," Leorio added, "He said that he's called you a hundred times but you won't pick up!"

"Well I blocked him so he needs to take the hint," Killua huffed. Ikalgo nodded and gave him a fist bump.

"He thinks that you're dead," Leorio added grimly.

"What?! Why the fuck would he– I'm not dead!"

"The point is that Gon clearly wants to talk to you about what happened last night," Kurapika said, ever the voice of reason. "You said that you ran off because of Gon's negative reaction to you kissing him… but did he ever say that he didn't want to kiss you?"

"Well, no–"

"-So how do we know for sure that Gon doesn't reciprocate your feelings?" Kurapika asked.

"Because of the look on his face!" Killua responded. "And everything he said in the parking lot! He said that he'd never kiss me, he said not to make it weird! And knowing his opinion on kissing me I went and made it weird! I fucked everything up and crossed his boundaries. I can't take any of that back."

"That doesn't mean that you can't apologize," Zepile said wisely.

Killua didn't have a response to that…

"I think that you should talk to Gon," Kurapika added.

"Yeah!" Leorio agreed passionately.

"I can't do that," Killua mumbled.

"How come?" Kurapika asked.

"Because… because how can I face him after all that? Maybe I'll talk to him at some point… but not now. Not after I made a total idiot of myself like that. I just need to… calm down. I need some time to get over it."

"I understand," Zepile nodded. "If you need more time to prepare for the conversation then take all the time you need. Just don't avoid it entirely. I know that Gon means a lot to you, but are you willing to lose him entirely over a five minute conversation?"

Killua brushed his fingers across his lips… he could still feel Gon's mouth stiff and motionless against his. Even if Gon wanted to make things right and move on after all that, he could never take back everything that moment had said. Those actions had spoken louder than words ever could, and even if Gon apologized now… nothing could heal the wounds of unreciprocated feelings.

And Killua didn't think he could handle something like that.

He couldn't move on as Gon's friend in good conscience with all this out in the open.

Maybe Gon wanted to try and make it right again, but things would never truly be the same. He'd always know that Killua had feelings for him. He'd feel guilty about not returning those feelings, and their friendship would turn strained and awkward. You couldn't just… try to kiss your friend and move on as if nothing had happened.

Gon could… but Killua certainly could not.

"I can't imagine going back to life without Gon," Killua said sadly, "But at the same time… I can't continue being his friend after something like that." Who would want to be friends with someone knowing that person was in love with them? How awkward would that be? It was one thing if they'd simply confessed to clear the water, but if they'd tried to kiss you after just assuming?

No. Killua didn't want to watch Gon salvage their friendship out of pity. Maybe it was selfish of him… but he didn't want to see Gon again if he'd be friendzoned. He couldn't endure the embarrassment, let alone the pain. It was better to drop him entirely. Killua deserved it anyways.

Leorio and Zepile frowned. Chrollo patted Killua's shoulder and Ikalgo slipped a mini cup of coffee creamer into his hand.

"Does Gon want to stop being friends with you?" Kurapika countered.

Killua winced. "So what if he doesn't? He'll be better off without me anyways."

…

It felt strange not being contacted every five seconds. Killua hadn't realized how much he'd grown accustomed to his phone buzzing fifteen million times a day. He found himself anticipating the inevitable Snap notifications every time he opened the drive through window. Inevitable notifications that never came… because Killua had blocked Gon.

Whenever Killua would find something funny or have to deal with a psychotic customer, he'd get excited thinking about telling Gon about it… only to realize that he'd blocked him and there was no one to tell.

It was lonely, going about his day without having five different conversations with Gon on five different media platforms.

He didn't even get to see those dank memes on Gon's Instagram story any more.

Life without Gon in it was lonely, that was for sure. But Killua had to keep reminding himself that this was for the best. He'd been the one to go and fuck things up, and now he had to live with the consequences.

The worst part of his day had to be leaving work and not seeing Gon waiting for him directly outside the front door. Leaning against Tsubone the Motorcycle and holding the spare helmet with a wild grin all over his face… just thinking about it made Killua's heart warm and crack at the same time.

Driving himself around was suddenly incredibly lonely. Killua hadn't been using his car as often once Gon had deemed himself his official chauffeur. Sitting in rush hour traffic was dreary and depressing without a companion.

By the time Killua got home he had been so incredibly sick of thinking about Gon all day. So - naturally - he'd gone to his unhealthy coping mechanism! …Though not thinking about the fact that he'd recently friended Gon on Greed Island. The second he opened the game up he was informed that Gon was online as well.

To which Killua had immediately closed out of the game before Gon could message him through the server.

Daydreaming about himself and Gon making up over Greed Island was tantalizing, but Killua refused to allow himself to get wrapped up in romance plots. Him and Gon were done for. Over. Through. No matter how much Killua wanted to run to his apartment and bust down the door, he knew that talking to Gon was a terrible idea. That would mean that he'd have to confront his problems, and Killua did not want to do that.

Even watching Netflix wasn't the same, because television wasn't a powerful enough distraction, apparently.

When Killua's phone erupted with Alluka's personal Angel Attack ringtone, he answered in a mad dash, desperate to get his mind off of all this bullshit.

It was a facetime call from Alluka, and Killua had never been so grateful to see his sister's contact photo in his life. He joined the call and almost cried when he came face to face with the greatest person to ever walk the face of the Earth.

"Alluka!" Killua whimpered the second the call connected. "You have no idea how–"

"-Killua, why are you being mean to Gon?!"

The boy in question choked on his own saliva, he had not been expecting - or wanting - to hear that name. Alluka glared at Killua through the screen, accusations written all over her face.

"Alluka, I really don't–"

"-Why are you ignoring Gon?" Alluka demanded. She panned the screen out to show that she was sitting in Gon and Zushi's living room, the tree they'd decorated (and kissed under) last night was sitting clear as day in the background. Zushi himself was sitting next to Alluka on the couch, looking very distressed.

"Why are you with him?!" Killua demanded.

"Because Gon is inconsolable!" Alluka snapped. "Why are you ignoring him? What did you do? Gon's been freaking out all day and he won't explain why! He's locked up in his room right now playing Greed Island!"

"He hates Greed Island!" Zushi added, eyes frantic.

Killua frowned. "Well it's not like the entire fucking world is on it's head." Why is Alluka on Gon's side?! He's the one who rejected me like that! She's my sister, shouldn't she be on my side?!

"Killua, tell me what happened! Did you hurt Gon's feelings?!" Alluka demanded once again.

"He's the one who hurt my feelings!" Killua exclaimed… a hell of a lot louder than he'd meant to.

Alluka and Zushi blinked in unison, and then shared a glance.

"Well what the heck happened?" Alluka asked, the anger in her voice having lessened.

"I've never seen Gon like this, he won't tell me what's wrong!" Zushi whined.

Killua scoffed, already feeling the tears burning in his eyes. Why the hell couldn't he be mad without crying?! It wasn't fair! "Why don't you ask him what happened, huh? If you're so willing to make me the bad guy," Killua said shortly.

Alluka blinked, and then glared. "Brother, shut you're ass up and tell us what the fuck happened."

Killua winced, Alluka was using her sisterly powers on him. "I– I… it was last night."

Alluka and Zushi leaned in closer.

Killua rolled his eyes, he hated telling this stupid fucking story over and over again. "I kissed Gon and learned why you don't kiss homophobic assholes."

"Wait, WHAT?!" Alluka squeaked.

"You kissed Gon?!" Zushi all but yelled. "Why?!"

"Because he's Gon and I love his stupid ass!" Killua yelled, his voice cracking. Fuck, he really hated telling people about this. It was like living that awful moment over and over again.

Alluka and Zushi gawked at Killua, blinked, and then shared a glance.

"Stop doing that!" Killua snapped.

"You seriously made a move on Gon?!" Alluka gasped. "I didn't think you had the balls!"

Killua flushed. "Well I do have the balls, and now I'm thinking about cutting those stupid balls off cause they've ruined my relationship with Gon."

"Wait wait wait, back up," Zushi said.

"Shut the fuck UP, Zushi!" Killua snarled.

"Brother," Alluka scolded.

"You kissed Gon?" Zushi continued, ignoring Killua's death glare. "And you're saying that it ruined your relationship?"

"Yeah, are you fucking deaf?"

"Brother."

"I don't understand," Zushi said, "What the hell happened? And why do you think that Gon is homophobic?"

"I kissed Gon and he freaked the fuck out, okay?!" Killua sobbed. "I got all caught up in his stupid eyes thinking that he liked me back, and then I kissed him like a total fucking moron. But he didn't kiss me back, and when I checked his reaction he looked fucking mortified. So I ran off because I fucked everything up."

"Oh, this is bad," Zushi whispered.

"Yeah, dipshit, I fucking know that!" Killua snapped.

"Killua, you and Gon need to–"

"-Talk?" Killlua laughed in Zushi's moronic face. "Yeah fucking right! As if I could face him after something like that?!"

Zushi opened his mouth to speak but Alluka beat him to the punch.

"Brother, I'm so sorry," she said, eyes shimmering with sympathy.

"Oh, so now you're on my side? Real fucking loyal of you, sister–"

"-Shut up Killua, I didn't know the whole story!" Alluka argued. "All I knew was that you and Gon were fine last night and today you're not answering you're phone and Gon's acting like the entire world fucking is ending!"

"Oh? So what I'm hearing is that he knows he fucked up so he's not explaining what happened to turn you against me?" Killua asked, his words spitting acid. "I wouldn't put it past him, fucking asshole–"

"-Killua," Zushi pleaded, "Please don't be mad at Gon–"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, Zushi!"

"Go talk to Gon," Alluka said, shooing Zushi away before Killua could kill him through the screen. The brunette nodded and scurried off to crawl up at Gon's side like the fucking dickless pussy he was.

"Brother, tell me why you're upset," Alluka said. Her voice was calm, reassuring.

Killua sighed, he could never stay angry with her. "I'm mad because I read into things and thought that Gon could ever like me back. I thought that he liked me, but it was only because of stupid fucking mistletoe. I misread all his signals, kissed him, and ruined us forever."

"Did you tell Gon how you feel?" Alluka asked.

"No…"

"Did you explain why you kissed him, or did you just go for it?"

"I just went for it, you know I can't pull crazy heartfelt stunts–"

"-Brother I think that you need to talk to Gon."

"What?" Killua demanded, "Why? I can't! I already know that he hates me, I can't handle him right now!"

"You don't know that–"

"Yes I do!" Killua said, his voice cracking. "You should have seen his face, Alluka. And right after he told me that he was questioning his sexuality. I can't believe I did that! Fuck, I hate myself so much."

"Killua, please don't say that," Alluka said softly.

"But if I weren't so fucking stupid then I wouldn't have lost my only best friend," Killua said shakily, angrily swiping the tears off his face. Dammit, why was he crying so much over this?! It was just stupid Gon, wasn't it?! Just Gon… just stupid Gon.

"Brother, you need to talk to Gon and tell him how you feel," Alluka said. "You should come clean, and you and Gon can talk it out."

"How can we talk it out?" Killua whimpered. "How can we ever move past that?"

"You're being dramatic, you know how nice Gon is! He could never hate you, brother, he loves you so much–"

"-Yeah, as a friend," Killua replied sadly. "Last night proved that more than anything. All Gon will ever see me as is a friend, and I went and busted through every single boundary of his."

"He kisses you every time he sees a mistletoe, Killua, I really don't think that this boundary is as big a deal as you think–"

"-But it is," Killua interrupted. "You don't understand. There's a difference between kissing your friend and kissing your friend under the mistletoe."

"And what about making out with your friend naked on my bathroom counter and giving each other mutual boners in the process?"

Killua winced. "How do you know about that–"

"-Palm."

Killua cursed under his breath. "Should have known."

"Killua, I know that this hurts, but you need to talk things out with Gon! You can't just break things off with him without at least discussing what went wrong!"

"What went wrong is that I kissed him–"

"-Killua, I know," Alluka said. "And Gon knows that and all it entails and he's been trying to get in contact with you because he doesn't give a shit and wants to fix things with his best friend."

Killua was silent for a moment. "I… I know he's not a homophobic asshole," he mumbled. "Gon's the nicest person I've ever met… and I know that he'd never hate me but… Alluka I– I can't just continue on like that. I can't… be in the friendzone. Not after all that."

"Oh, Killua," Alluka sighed.

The silver haired boy broke her gaze to squeeze the tears out of the corners of his eyes. Dammit, he hated crying. Especially over boys. And double especially over moronic boys like Gon.

"I know it's hard but…" Alluka trailed off to gather her thoughts. "Ghost Gon if you seriously think that that's what you need right now, but at least try talking to him first?"

"No," Killua said. "I can't see him right now."

"Brother," Alluka whined.

"I'm serious," Killua huffed. "I'd either start crying or say something stupid. I'll think about talking to him I guess, but not now."

What about our Christmas party?" Alluka asked sadly. "I hate to see you guys fighting… can we still celebrate Christmas together?"

Killua frowned. That's right. Christmas was in five days. Mere days ago Killua had been beside himself with excitement to spend the night with Gon, but now he couldn't imagine so much as seeing him face to face.

"About the Christmas party…"

Alluka winced, already anticipating Killua's answer to her question.

The two of them startled when the slamming of a door was heard from the bowels of Gon and Zushi's apartment. Alluka's head snapped up as she turned to investigate the noise.

"Gon!" drifted Zushi's voice. "Wait, you can't just–"

"-Alluka! Is Killua still there?"

Killua's eyes snapped wide in horror, that was fucking Gon.

"Brother, don't you dare hang up!" Alluka ordered, bracing the phone in her hands as if holding it tighter could keep the connection. "You and Gon are going to talk this out and–"

"-Killua!" Gon cried, his voice audibly launching closer.

He ended the call before Gon could appear on the screen. Killua sat on his couch, staring at his phone with shaking hands and tears welling in his eyes. Dammit. Why couldn't Gon just take the hint? Leave him the hell alone? It was better this way. Better for Killua, and most importantly… better for Gon.